You’ve heard about the “Wayward Fog” (also known as the “Affair Fog” or just “The Fog”). What is it? How do you know if it is happening in your marriage?
Are you faced with infidelity in your marriage? Has your Wayward Spouse begun describing a marriage unfamiliar to you and a history of which you don’t believe you were a part? Have you been told that the infidelity is your fault or that your spouse never loved you in the first place? Perhaps you’ve heard, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”
These are typical symptoms of the biochemical rush commonly known as the “Wayward Fog” or “The Affair Fog”. When The Fog comes into your marriage, what can you do about it?
Infidelity And The Wayward Fog
The Wayward Fog and the Affair Fog are terms often used by experts and victims of infidelity to describe the euphoria felt by someone involved in an affair. The Fog, while strangely named, is a real phenomenon. On websites supporting infidelity, it is sometimes referred to as the “affair bubble.”
The Affair Fog Rolls In
The Wayward Fog is described as similar to being brainwashed. The thrill of the affair envelops the wayward partner in good feelings and the excitement can be overwhelming. S/he feels a new high, a feeling of being “in love.” Comparisons are made between the marriage and the affair and, inevitably, the marriage suffers.
They Justify The Infidelity
Next begins a repeated internal dialogue of rationalizations, over and over again in their minds. The Wayward Spouse needs to rationalize with themselves in order to cover up and minimise their feelings of guilt. They may convince themselves that their marriage was already bad and that it had been for a long time, that their spouse doesn’t really love them, and that the affair partner must truly be their “soul-mate” because he/she is the only one who understands them. They may tell themselves, and the Betrayed Spouse, that the Betrayed Spouse is “better off without them.” Frequently this rationalization leads to inventing reasons for having the affair in the first place, including that the affair is like “therapy,” something they do for themselves. They say it makes them a better, happier spouse — “If I am happier, then how could that be bad for my marriage/family/spouse?”
Loss of Empathy
After a short time, they cease to think of anyone else’s feelings — not parents, not spouses, not children, not friends — only their feelings and the feelings of their Affair Partner. To a foggy Wayward, the Other Person is without flaws, weaknesses or selfishness. Soon the cheating spouse begins to believe the lies they’ve been telling themselves. They, therefore, act accordingly, treating their spouse with anger and hostility, and their affair partner in a loving and affectionate way. Despite all of this, the Wayward might not want out of the marriage. They enjoy the familial comfort of home, with the added excitement of the affair. It is as if they become addicted to the affair, needing the constant high it brings, no matter the total disregard for the Betrayed.
Thus beings a cycle of wash, rinse, and repeat and soon they are deeply entrenched in the fog.
A typical Affair Fog, also called The Wayward Script, includes:
* Re-writing marriage history
* Projecting blame for the Wayward Spouse’s guilt onto the Betrayed Spouse
* The typical “I love you but…”
* The proclamation that the other person is the Wayward Spouse’s “soul mate”
* The demonizing of the Betrayed Spouse in order to rationalize the Wayward Spouse’s infidelity.
* Gaslighting
An Addictive Fantasy
Of course, The Fog is nothing more than a fantasy created by the affair partners. They are under the influence of an addictive drug similar to that of a teenager in love. Unfortunately, it is very difficult to remove them from this Fog. The dopamine that is released in the brain is the same chemical that is released when someone uses cocaine or opium. It clouds judgement and makes people do and say things they would never do or say otherwise. This does not excuse the Wayward Spouse for their behaviour, it just partially explains what is occurring within their thought process.
The Wayward Fog Is NOT An Excuse
I cannot stress enough — The Fog does not provide an excuse for the actions of the Wayward Spouse. However, it certainly does explain where some of the behaviour comes from and how it can manifest. If you read any of the works of Dr. Helen Fisher, you will gain a clearer understanding of the dynamics of the human mating system and how dopamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin can affect a person’s judgement and personality.
Confusion and Uncertainty
For the Betrayed, The Fog makes for a very confusing and trying time. Not only has the person you thought you could always count on stabbed you in the back, but they are now acting totally out of character. They have probably rewritten your relationship history and are professing their love to someone else. If you can have a rational, calm discussion with your Wayward Partner, sometimes you can point out the inaccuracies and inconsistencies in their story. More than likely, however, if they are deep in the Fog, this conversation will be unproductive. Listen to the Wayward Spouse’s complaints and ask yourself, “Is there a kernel of truth in that?” While the Fog presents a warped perspective, often these complaints contain genuine grievances that were problems prior to the affair, and need to be addressed.
The Freedom of Understanding
Gaining a better understanding of what your Wayward Partner is thinking is beneficial to the Betrayed in that s/he can understand that the infidelity is NOT about them. Now is the time for the Betrayed to begin to take care of him/herself to further his/her own growth and healing.
Affairs are fantasy and even the blindest Wayward Spouse eventually realizes and acknowledges that his/her fantasy isn’t reality. But this realization of reality almost always happens after the affair has ended.
The lies those engaged in an affair will tell themselves can take many forms. These lies are not always about leaving the marriage or demonizing the Betrayed Spouse…but they are always bad for the marriage.
If you have to rationalize it — it’s wrong.
The right choice is evident and does not require explanation.
Sources:
marriageadvocates.com
talkaboutmarriage.com
survivinginfidelity.com
emotionalaffair.org
affairsurvival.com
I cheated on my husband of 25 years. Ok I was having some emotional issues. A old coworker hit me up on fb. I didn’t really know him. But he started the your beautiful bit on me. I fell for it. Oh boy did I fall for it. I continued this online long distant affair for months and months. Then he just showed up and it turned sexual.ill tell you what happened to me. He made me feel special. And when he showed up for a week I had talked myself into believing I was unhappy and should have a fling. I met him twice in one week. The first time didn’t last long and he was charming. The second time he has in a hurry and not charming at all. Not like his text messages. I loved my husband. But I never once thought about what would happen to him or my kids if they found out. The high was just to strong. Afterwards there was guilt. I pushed it aside and blamed my husband for this. My affair partner absolutely sucked in bed. I was so charged and excited and he treated me like a whore. I of course didn’t want to believe this. We texted for monthes until he showed up again. The third time was even worse. He was drunk and it hurt. I said it’s over but was to scared to say anything. The next six months he would text asking for dirty pictures. He wasn’t so charming anymore. I guess I went along with it hoping it would just die with time. I had a hard time believing this guy had used me. I didn’t love him, but I did like him alot at first. I tried to put the way he was treating me out of my mind. Then I got caught. I freaked out. I blamed my husband for it all. Then more bad things came out about my affair partner. He lied to my husband about everything. Telling him sexual things that I never did. The fog started to lift. I can’t tell you how shocked I was to see my big strong husband fall apart. I never thought that would happen. The fog was gone and I was crushed. I felt so bad. I thought everyday about killing myself. I hurt my children. What kind of a mother am I? And during my fog I never thought about it. It’s been two years. My husband still has problems. I am doing everything I can think of to help him. There is a fog. It is not an excuse for cheating. You know what your doing, you don’t think about the hurt your causing. It justifies your actions. It turns you into a monster. You can’t face reality. I hope God can forgive me.
I am a wayward jerk who has just come out of the fog…Everything here I read fit me to the “T”. The excitement, the addiction, the rationalizing, all of it. I am now in the grieving stage of my AP, and, I know it’s grief over a BS fantasy. My wife has no idea this was going on, or maybe she did, I don’t know. Regardless, I was guilty of Gaslighting her, and being very hostile, and creating fights(Excuses to leave) in order to see my AP. After 6 months, I had begun to see the horrible damage I was doing, and the weight of the guilt was too much to bare, and broke it off….I severed the relationship like a bad cancer.
Reading posts like this and sharing my story have been helpful to me in understanding what the hell happened chemically in my head and why having an affair is totally screwed up for everyone involved. I found a great program called Retrouvaille that my wife and I have started and it has been a game changer for our marriage. We are communicating better and have a deeper appreciation for each other’s emotions. AS we continue with the program I have felt more and more compelled to reveal my affair and let the chips fall where they may. That is not a decision I have made yet…any advice?
I would advise any guy or gal out there that cheating is not the answer to your perception of a bad or boring marriage. The tremendous Guilt and Loss you have during and after is hard to deal with. I still sometimes pine for my AP but I found a great technique to bring me back to reality. I have a pros and cons list. Pros and cons of my AP and of the affair. Over time, the Pros list shrinks and the Cons list grows. The brain slowly comes back from the fog and your rational thoughts will take over. that’s when you know that you can get past it and fix your marriage issues and hopefully have a productive marriage.
How can you hope build a good, true, equal-partnership marriage with your wife while keeping the truth about something this important from her? Or is it OK that it not be an equal partnership? Of course it’d be scary to tell her…she might decide to divorce you, whereas if you keep her in the dark, you don’t have to face the consequences and you can keep the upper hand.
Of course, there’s the chance she’ll find out some day (she may already suspect–many women have an uncanny sense about these things)… and then what? You look like a total louse. I hope you respect her enough to be honest. It’s as much her marriage to make decisions about as it is yours, no?
Is there anything the BS or friends/family could’ve done to help you see through the fog? My WH is thoroughly entrenched in it and although I’m working on myself, I can’t help but hoping he’ll see the light of day.
Good rule of thumb: do not beg, scream, do crazy things or let him see you in desperate mode. That said, we’ve seen, over and over on our site, that there is nothing you can say that will penetrate the fog. You CAN simply state your position in a simple statement, such as “I will not share you with another man/woman” and go about the business of taking care of yourself. That would include securing finances, getting legal advice (most lawyers will do a free, or at least reasonable, consultation), and protecting your kids and yourself from the drama.
For more on how to do those things, register on our site, marriageadvocates.com. There are sooo many folks there who’ve “been there, done that.” Much collective wisdom there. Regardless, know that this awful time doesn’t last forever. It will just feel that way. Hope you’ll join us.
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I don’t think there is a fog.
If children, finances, age and marriage were not involved, the wayward person would just leave and never look back. They fell in love with another person. It’s that simple.
The “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” is just the truth, not some fog.
What the waywards don’t realize is that after the excitement settles down, you have to see the other person for what he/she really is and start building a relationship with him/her from scratch. You dissolve a relationship/family to build another one without even knowing the results.
Of course some people might want to have only the “high” of a new relationship and when it goes “low” they leave. In that case, someone should never get married because they ruin other people’s lives.
I think that waywards are not the smartest or the most honest people in the world.
My husband told me about his affair in Sept. seemed like we were gonna try to work it out as I love him with all my heart. But then in Oct he moved out in november moved in with affair partner who also divorced her husband, and in Jan my husband says he wants divorce and has filed it will finalize in May. I still love him and want him back and would be more then willing to work on our marriage. I live in a state with no fault divorce so I cant fight it so I have to let divorce happen even though I dont want it. We have been intimate since he has moved out. When this all took place in November he told me the whole hes been unhappy for a long time , he loves me but not in love with me stuff, didnt know if he is in the FOG? Even though we are divorcing is there a chance that he will exit this affair fog and come back one day or will they end up together? Anybody who has divorced and gotten back together or any any thoughts about this would be great.
SrC, I’m so sorry you find yourself in this position. Although your husband confessed his affair, he clearly didn’t end it. If he’d been “unhappy for a long time,” he had better options than run from the problem and take up with another woman! As you’ve discovered, you cannot convince him of anything, given his current state of mind, the best you can do is protect yourself. (Speaking of protecting yourself…please see your doctor for the full battery of STD tests, if you haven’t already. More than anything, you need to take care of you!)
Of course there have been folks who’ve divorced and remarried, but you cant count on that happening. Rather than think of you pining for that day (maybe indefinitely), we’d rather help you get a plan for coping with the situation and making your life better than it is at the moment. You’re worth more than putting your life on hold while he indulges himself at your expense. Really, you ARE.
Please come join us on the Marriageadvocates.com forums. You can sign up anonymously and talk online with people who’ve been through what you’re going through. They’ll share what helped (and hindered) their recovery from the devastation of infidelity. You will find much good advice and support there.
He will come back, in most cases when it is too late, don’t let him hurt feelings of your then partner (if any).
*mommy is cold
Right here waiting:
I have been dealing with this for a while and all lawyers have said that i should serve her papers. That if I dont do anything, i will continue to be treated, like im being emotionally abused. And at the same time, she will get a dose of reality. However that could have 2 different outcomes. 1) she reacts angrily and now we have a war, but she gets what she wants and moves on with her life. 2) she realizes at this point, what am I doing? Of course that would be the preferred result. However she is not herself and some alien has taken over her mind and body!The lawyers have said that if I serve her then I am protecting my finances and that we would make you have the children the majority of the time. That is the most important thing to me ( the kids ). I know this is affecting them as well. We do not fight in front of them, however mommy is called and daddy is a roommate. To much stress when you are a faithful and loyal person, which seems to be rare today! She is definitely not the same woman I married. Looking for answers? It really is a shame when you sit there and watch the spouse destroy herself and our family and I cant do anything to help her. In the process, I struggle daily with Anxiety and hurt. There is no affection and you miss your wife
When asking the WS about situation and they just deny. They throw the, “its always me, my fault”. Then the BS starts feeling like I dont get anywhere with her and I dont want to fight. She intimidates the BS
John, everything you’ve said in these three posts is painfully familiar. Under the circumstances, the first thing you should do is see a lawyer to protect yourself and your rights to the children. If the worst happens and you do divorce, you want to maintain as much custody as you can.
You need to have a PLAN that will not only protect you and the kids from their mother’s (hopefully) temporary insanity, but to take steps to break up the affair, win her back and build a better marriage than you had before. I hope you I’ll join us on the forums at Marriageadvocates.com. There are many of us there who’ve been through what you’re going through, and we’ll help you make a plan for dealing with it.
In the meantime, do NOT cry, beg, plead with or yell at her–it will only help her justify what she’s doing.
Also there has been nothing physical or emotional during this time between us. I personally have been faithful to her from the beginning and realize my faults and things that I have been working on. Prior to this time raising kids definitely took a toll. It was hard to maintain our dates and time for ourselves. I tried many times and was constantly getting rejected which makes a person stop trying and hoping that your spouse takes a step in your direction. Confused
After you feel that your wife is having an affair and is basically destroying what you have had with them? I realize that working on yourself and being very supportive of your children is key. However, waiting for someone who is planning on moving out soon and wants to leave kids at our house so that they do not get shuffled. Sounds like she is lost in her fog and is defiant with everyone in her family as well as me. She has depression and hormonal issues that she doesnt deal with. Possibly her affair has been going on with someone out of the area for almost a year now. She travels for work and ends up staying the weekend before coming home. Should I serve her papers and give tough love. Right now being nice allows her to manuever herself and control everyone. I am also doing marriage fitness, and am in a tough spot. Serve her or just let her move out and move on with someone else? Very tough considering we have been together a long time and have two small children. And through all this I still love her and miss her and want to reconcile. It takes 2, what do you think? Obviously one gets to the threshold and says thats enough. I feel I am getting close to making a decision and dont want to lose my family in process
Remember you have kids, leave her alone and wait until she comes to you and reveal the truth about her foggy actions. Consider she is not on this planet, keep yourself and your kids happy and occupied without her most of the time.
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Excellent article from the perspective of the other person. I’ve been adding to my journal at http://brokenheartjournal.com and this will be a great share to my readers,
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Forget my last question. I just read through the blog here and got my answer to how long the fog last. I have another question though.
I just found out my husband has had several affairs so I’m thinking he is basically a serial cheater. Can serial cheatesr be in the fog each time too?
I don’t understand this behavior. My husband was very, very,very good to me all the years we were married (18 years). How can cheat with all these women and then be so good to his wife as if he is the perfect husband? Of course the last 5 years our sex life wasn’t what it should be either, but I don’t think I deserved to be cheated on.
Last night he told me this…He has cheated on my several times throughout the marriage. He said he doesn’t like himself and feels like a scumbag. He said he doesn’t understand how he can have a heart of gold on one hand and be a cheater too. I need advise on this too. Please help.
Marie
Hi Marie,
I am so sorry. It is a horrible thing to discover your spouse has had an affair. To discover it has happened multiple times is like being kicked after falling down, again and again.
As I dont have much experience with serial cheating, I have posted your question on the forum here Please check it a few times as people add their comments to it.
May I suggest that you register with Marriage Advocates There are many people there who would be more than happy to encourage and support you as you cope with this.
-Lil
Lil,
How long does the Wayward Fog last? Can you give me an average?
Ok…So a lot of this sounds very familiar.
My cheating spouse is certainly in a fog. In a fantasy fog. She cheated with someone 17years younger. This OM was a friend of mine. She has left her home to move closer to him…possibly living with him 2-3 hours away. She outright told both of the Dads to take care of the kids. 2 from a previous marraige that went with their dad and step-mom now; and my son, who lives with me.
I really don’t see any chance of us getting back together. I initally wanted to work on it…but she DID NOT. Flat out told me she would rather work on her relationship with him then me. Despite us having a good marriage…not always great due to financial issues, some depression issues…it never was that bad. Never rally fought much until the end when she was starting fights with me…was really forced it felt. Anyways…with her actions, and her continuous lies to family and friends…I just don’t like her as a human anymore…let alone a friend or wife.
The – Justify The Infidelity & Loss of Empathy is totally going on. It makes me sick because – this person is not the person that I fell in love with. She’s not the mother that I thought she was. The reason I wanted kids…was because she WAS a fantastic mom. She now sees them every other week…sometimes less…sometimes a little more. It depends on her social obligations.
I’m 3-4 months since I discovered the infidelity. I’m trying to stay focused on taking care of myself for me and my son. It’s been hard…but going to therapy, went to a parenting through divorce class, joined a few online support groups, and I’m going to a support group through church after the holiday. I want recovery and I want to move on. Having a hard time with it. I know it’s early…I’ve been told that. Any helpful suggestions on websites, books…advice – PLEASE and THANKS in ADVANCE.
Hi Troy,
I am so sorry for the circumstances that lead you to this article, I am pleased it has helped you a little in understanding some of why your wife is acting like she is.
Well done you, for working hard on personal recovery. We often say its more important than marital recovery, and you are a case in point. I am not really sure what i can suggest in the way for books etc. Marriage Advocates does have a divorcing, and ‘single again’ forum where others in your shoes share advice and support each other as they navigate this new direction. Perhaps look here at our ‘Moving On Forum List’
and Register for Marriage Advocates here. Those who post regulary there will be able to help you with your search for more info.
regards,
-Lil
I am not LilDoggie but would you consider joining the forum and posting your questions there?
I can tell you that while you may have some faults they were probably not the ones that caused the affair.
Seriously though you will get a lot more support on the forum.
Hi Lildoggie,
Thank you so much for getting back to me. I need some more advice. When my husband sees me, he looks at me as if he is still attracted to me. I see him checking me out (since I did loose weight because of our separation). In the past he always said he was attracted to me. But part of the problem of what has lead to this other woman is that he said I never acted like I wanted to be intimate (like I wasn’t attracted to him). He said he got tired of me rejecting his advances and this eventually made him feel cold inside and he lost his connection with me. I know there is no excuse for an affair, but to be fair he did tell me about a year ago that he didn’t feel close to me and that we weren’t connected and he wanted to be closer tome. However, we fell into our habits and things pretty much stayed the same. His libido is dfferent than mine. I feel that women loose their libido and that’s why a man might stray. I don’t know for sure. During this time though he still did things for me and acted like he loved me. Of course now it could have just been guilt because of the affair. I don’t know.
I feel like him leaving me for another woman is my fault. I didn’t express to him how much I truly loved him. Now I feel it’s too late. He is acting like a kid in a candy store with his new place. He even came to the house and got our old Christmas tree out of the attic and put it up, then took a picture of it and put it on Facebook. That hurt me to the core since I am in no way in the Christmas spirit. I haven’t even decorated my house at all. It’s like he did that on purpose. Like he is mad at me and it’s my fault he had affair. That’s how he has been acting since I found out about him and the other woman.
He comes and goes at the house and takes care of the yard and our dogs. I’m so confused because he only talks about us in past tense like we have no future and the divorce is gonig to happen. He said he lied and cheated and that he can’t forget that. Please give me more advice. Thank you.
Maire.
Oh Marie,
I am so sorry. it hurts so much when the WS acts like this, I know. Your WS is behaving in VERY typical fashion. This particular behaviour is called cake eating. Basically the WS wants you AND the other person. So they often will do just enough to keep both people happy, ensuring they continue to provide to boost the WS needs. This might be to their ego, their sense of family respectability, or just to make them feel better about them-self. Unfortunately, it can be very destructive to the betrayed spouse. An article that may help you is this one:
Pulling Away From The WS
On Marriage Advocates we do not promote marriage at all costs, but we do offer support to those wanting to make an attempt to give it the best shot they can. I think you really would find it more helpful to register here, and start a thread on the forum. In particular we can help guide you in how to stop your WH cake eating. We offer a degree of privacy for those concerned about it with hidden forums that cannot be seen, except for registered members. In those you will be offered advice, suggested books and resources, and encouraged every step of the way. We cannot promise you will recover your marriage, but we will help you recover you. IF your marriage does recover, we will help you work towards having a better marriage than you ever had dreamed you could have.
My husband of 21 years of marriage began an affair over a year ago and left me for her about 6 weeks ago. He is 42. I am so devastated. Just the other day he assured me that he was very happy with her. The woman used to live in his old neighborhood when they were teenagers and was the neighborhood slut. I told him she still has a very bad reputation and he said he doesn’t care about any of that. He is happy with her no matter what. However, how can he know if he is happy with her since the affair has only been known for 6 weeks now? For a year they were sneaking around. He said they click and have things in common. Before the affair was discovered, there were a lot of lies and I know he couldn’t have seen her that much since none of his habits changed at home to raise my suspicions.
He kept telling me over and over again that he was happy with her. My heart is broken. I need some advice on this.
I also posted this same comment on another article, but this seems like what my husband is.. A foggy Wayward spouse.
Marie
Hi Marie,
I am so sorry for the events that has lead you here. Your WH (wayward Husband) sounds exactly like a typical foggy babbling WS. It has often been commented that nearly ALL WS’s say and do the exact same thing while in the affair fantasy – almost like there is a default wayward setting. There is that little difference between then. Even waywards from different countries.
We have a brief guide for the Betrayed Spouse, with information regarding health and Safety, Legal Advice, and Personal as well as Marital Recovery. You can find that here: Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse
Please consider joining the Marriage Advocate forum by clicking on this link: Register here and start a new thread. There are many on the forum who have been in your shoes and will be more than happy to provide support and advice.
If you would rather not, please do have a look around the forum. There is a tonne of advice and recommended resources, and it is all freely available to you.
Take Care.
My 33 year marriage ended after repeated episodes with the fog.
Yes there can be a natural chemical fog—but consider who your partner was friends with and their activities. Actual drug use, along with paid professionals who confirm what their well pocketed clients want to hear can keep this insanity going for a very long time. And what one cannot see can only be guessed.
Do not give your life, youth, fertility and vigor to a liar. “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.” Save yourself–free yourself from the selfishness of an adrenaline junky.
Also, sadly, the apple does not fall far from the tree. If affairs run in your partners family, consider how those marriages have evolved. I saw the light and had to run for my life for many years. It has now been six years since my divorce and I am just finding some sense of center. Liars will lie about EVERYTHING.
Hi Gigi,
I am so sorry for your experiences. Yes drug use, enabling friends, and well intentions but misinformed ‘professionals’, will only feed the entitlement of the wayward spouse. And again, you are correct, children learn from their parents, and often infidelity does seem to run in the family. It certainly was a factor in our case.
Marriage Advocates does not believe in ‘marriage at any cost’, and personal recovery is considered to be as important as marital recovery. Please consider joining the Marriage Advocate forum by clicking on this link: Register here and start a new thread. There are many there who have been where you are, and would love to share tools and ideas that helped them become the person they want to be.
Hi KtZ,
Firstly, I am so sorry for what is going on. You have my deepest sympathy.
I cannot give you a precise date at which the fog will clear. What I can do is share with you what we know about the wayward fog.
Most affairs will end between 3 months to 2 years. Estimates vary but it is believed to be around 75%. Of those that continue just over 23% will end within 6 years. This leaves a paltry 1.75% becoming a successful relationship.
There are several factors in why this happens – the affair partners cease contact with each other, a drop in the love chemicals, the affair relationship becoming mundane, and the affair partners realising the consequences of their actions have far out weights the thrill and excitement. As the Betrayed Spouse, there is nothing you can do to hurry this up. Right now, you need to primarily focus on yourself and your children. Everything you have mentioned sounds like your husband is a fairly typical wayward.
We have a brief guide for the Betrayed Spouse, with information regarding health and Safety, Legal Advice, and Personal as well as Marital Recovery. You can find that here: https://www.marriageadvocates.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php/topics/249942/Re_Infidelity_Guide_for_the_BS#Post249942
Please consider joining the Marriage Advocate forum by clicking on this link: https://www.marriageadvocates.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php?ubb=newuser and start a new thread. There are many on the forum who have been in your shoes and will be more than happy to provide support and advice
How long does it usually take for the wayward spouse to come out of this fog? This whole page pretty much sums up everything I’m going through. My spouse claims he’s in love with his affair partner that we had a bad marriage before the affair which is totally untrue. He has used the line I love you but I’m not in love with you. We have 2 kids, and another on the way he didn’t care who he hurt the past 6 months, I am trying my hardest to stick it out because I really do love him, I’m just terrified he will keep going back to this woman because of the thrill. How long do I try please help I’m desperate so in love and so hurt. I want my loving husband back!
KtZ, I’m no expert, but from the research I’ve done it seems that there really isn’t a lot of reliable evidence out there. A lot of figures are thrown around, but it seems like these are often anecdotal, and what empirical evidence could be tainted itself by the ways in which it was collected (e.g. interviews with both spouses present). I wrote a post about this on my blog a couple of months ago. (You should be able to click the link; if not, I’ll repost.) In summary, the most reputable sources I’ve found indicate that it lasts anywhere from a few months to a year, sometimes longer, sometimes shorter. The general timeline appears to be 15-18 months for a wayward spouse to truly come off that drug and begin the process of awakening, so thus by 2 years most affairs would have substantially ended. There are exceptions, of course. One source cited the 15-18 month figure by saying that, even if you did nothing, there would be a 70% chance of the wayward spouse returning to the marriage within that time frame.
I began working the Marriage Fitness program (Mort Fertel) about a year ago, and the counselor I’ve worked with told me that the duration of that fog is different for everybody. That makes sense, as all situations are different in their circumstances. But, they are not different in their essence: affairs are deceitful relationships that are based in lies and mistrust, and it is those deceitful actions that poison the relationship from the beginning and lead it to end.
I think the single most important factor in dealing with adultery is to work on yourself while you’re waiting for the affair to end. I do think that, while many marriages go on to heal, a lot of them don’t, or do not heal fully, because the betrayed spouse did not take the affair as an opportunity for soul searching and self-improvement. While the affair is not your fault per se, in the sense that your spouse had the opportunity to make a different decision, you do have joint responsibility in that affair beginning, in that both husband and wife contributed to the conditions that led to the breakdown of the marriage to the point that an affair became viable.
Hope that all makes sens.
Firstly, I am so sorry for what is going on. You have my deepest sympathy.
I posted your question on our forum, and we have had several replies to it. You can find that here: How Long Does The Wayward Fog Last?
I cannot give you a precise date at which the fog will clear. What I can do is share with you what we know about the wayward fog.
In brief, most affairs will end between 3 months to 2 years. Estimates vary but it is believed to be around 75%. Of those that continue just over 24% will end within 6 years. This leaves a paltry .75% becoming a successful relationship.
There are several factors in why this happens – the affair partners cease contact with each other, there is a drop in the love chemicals, the affair relationship becomes mundane, and the affair partners realise the consequences of their actions have far out weighted the thrill and excitement. As the Betrayed Spouse, there is nothing you can do to hurry this up. Right now, you need to primarily focus on yourself and your children. Everything you have mentioned sounds like your husband is a fairly typical wayward.
We have a brief guide for the Betrayed Spouse, with information regarding health and Safety, Legal Advice, and Personal as well as Marital Recovery. You can find that here: Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse
Please consider joining the Marriage Advocate forum by clicking on this link: Register here and start a new thread. There are many on the forum who have been in your shoes and will be more than happy to provide support and advice. Many of us – myself included – have successfully recovered our marriages to have better, more loving and fulfilling ones than we could have ever believed
Sorry lildoggie I didn’t give much info , but I’m BH . This all took place twenty years ago . We are still married .Sometimes things trigger these memories not often but once in a great while . When I posted this question was one of those times.
As my name here implies I sometimes try to find some logic as to what and how things went the way they did . I have never totally blamed my wife for what happened for I know what part I played in it . I know the decisions she made were hers but , I have always felt if we were closer at that time, things never would have happened the way they did. Then again sometimes you wonder if that’s just an excuse to use .
We were basically young and dumb . Not smart enough to tell each other what we were feeling deep down or scared to tell the one another back then .
Thanks for the ear ..
Not at all. Thank you for sharing your success story
What if there was ” no in love feeling ” just the exciting sex that carried on .. Is that still considered to be a fog ?
Hi there,
As you did not describe your situations, I can only assume you are a wayward spouse and that you are having an affair.
I believe that there are 2 parts in answer your question. Firstly, yes I do believe you are in a fog. Anyone who can have sex with someone who is not their spouse, while remaining in a marital relationship is foggy. The chemical cocktail of PEA, oxtocin etc mutes the WS’s ability to see the red flags that any onlooker can see.
Secondly, it may be that the reason the fog hasnt turned in to love for you is a mixture of personality, history, and the fact that you are getting those needs met within the marriage.
The main reason affair sex is exciting is the forbidden quality of it, and the hormonal body wash of initial attraction.
There is a thread discussing your question on the forum, and it can be found here: What If There Was No Love?
Was your story one of “Once a cheater, always a cheater, no way I’ll take you back!”, or were you able to overcome your initial disappointment, anger, disgust, etc. and find a way past this to save your (otherwise great) relationship?
Help others understand different possibilities by considering sharing (together) your story, which ever way it ended up.
Hi Faith,
My story, and many others who experienced ‘The Wayward Fog’ can be found on the following thread – Success Stories and Inspiration
In answer to your question, yes, we were able to move past the affair and build a new, more caring marriage.
Thank you for your comment
Regards,
Lildoggie