The question “How long do affairs last?” comes up in almost every discussion about affairs, for a variety of reasons. It is often one of the first questions asked by people who have recently discovered that their spouse has been having a secret relationship with someone else. I think it likely that the reason the question is so important to most people is that it implies other, more foundational questions, the real answers to which might be more devastating to discover.
How Long Do Affairs Last?
The answer to how long affairs last is that the range can be anywhere between a drunken one night stand with no emotional attachment, and a life-long romantic affair that occurs without the affair partners ever actually meeting in person to consummate the relationship. About half last longer than one month but less than a year. A large percentage last two or three years, while a few last a lifetime.
What are some of those underlying questions that really need to be answered when someone asks how long an affair might last?
Is my spouse’s affair real LOVE or something less?
The answer to this is a definite “maybe” on both sides of the line. Your spouse might be experiencing true love. You fell in love with your spouse at one time and decided to act on that by agreeing to spend your life together. In all probability, your spouse once fell in love with you as well. One thing to consider is that falling in love more than once does not mean that what you shared was any less real, or that your spouse’s love for another person is any more real than the love you have shared. That likely does not make you feel any better about the situation you are facing, but it is something you should keep in mind as you try to decide what you are going to do.
The idea of romantic love as the entire foundation of marriage is what makes this question something to consider. It has been known for some time that early phase romance is marked by our brain being bombarded by a chemical soup that includes chemicals such as dopamine, oxytocin, norepinephrine and testosterone, along with the often talked about Phenethylamine (PEA). Together these chemicals cause us to feel short of breath, increase our heart rate, sharpen the focus of our attention and make us more aware of and more sensitive to nonverbal signals and cues. Evolutionary psychologists might say that all of these things (and a lot of other things that happen during this phase of romance) make selection of a mate more probable. They can also lead to obsession, depression and other symptoms of what would typically indicate mental illness. Falling in love can be a wild and crazy series of events.
Just like you and your spouse fell in love once before, it is possible that he/she or you might fall in love with someone else at some point in your life. You must also consider that it is also possible that you and your spouse can fall in love with each other again as events and circumstances change, which living on this planet almost assures will happen.
What is real love?
This question is a close sibling of the previous one, and should be answered when deciding if an affair might be “real love.”
Today we have a model for love in popular culture that seems based in magic, fate or kismet. In books and movies, even on television, people fall in love almost against their will and often with the most inappropriate partners–and at times, even less appropriate. Falling in love is sometimes portrayed as something beyond our control, overpowering, something we are helpless to resist. Once it happens to us, there is nothing we can do about it except submit to the crazy ride that follows.
I’d like you to consider another model for “real love.” In this model, real love is a shared experience and history combined with an agreement to care for each other, and provide for each other’s welfare and happiness. This is more than just feelings and a rush of chemicals, though it contains elements of a strong bond that might be chemical in origin.
You probably fell in love with someone before you fell in love with your spouse. You felt all those chemical reactions and a strong desire to be together, maybe felt an almost overwhelming attraction for each other. If you are like most of us, you experienced this more than once in life, perhaps many times before you eventually found the one you committed to spending your life with. Yet in spite of all that emotional investment and mind-warping feelings, those relationships usually ended. You found someone new and moved on with your life. All of those feeling are related to what is called limerence. It might result in “real” love, but it feels like the emotional equivalent of running logic and clear thinking through a blender.
Just like those strong, mindboggling feelings of your early relationship with your spouse eventually mellowed and were replaced by what you intentionally did for each other and a bond that came from a history together, feelings about your spouse’s affair (or your affair) will probably wax and wane over time. Once the emotional upheaval slows, that history you and your spouse share is likely to remain. Seldom do affairs result in marriage between the affair partners.
This leads us to another question…
Do affair partners end up together?
Like the previous question, this can have different answers. Some affairs do result in marriage. Some even become happy and healthy long-term marriages that last a lifetime. The probability of such a thing happening, however, is actually not very high. Research shows that between 3 and 5 percent of affairs end in marriage. When other statistics are thrown in, that any at all do is little short of miraculous. Among other statistics is that 75% of second marriages fail, a rate half again as high as first marriages.
Frank Pittman and many others have conjectured about why affairs eventually fail to produce lasting and healthy relationships. Most experts point to several reasons why affairs die, including:
* Part of the energy of an affair is the taboo aspect and secrecy that marks most affairs.
* Affairs, in general, are selfish events. They survive more on what is gotten from each other than what is invested in the relationship.
* Affair partners often look back on the sacrifices they made to be together and (one or both) realize that what they gave up is much more than what they now share.
* As relates to sacrifice, often one will discover (or feel) that his or her sacrifice was much greater than what the other person had to sacrifice, and this can lead to resentment and disillusionment.
* Sacrifice is one factor that sometimes drives an affair. When there is little left to sacrifice, there is nothing left to feed the relationship.
* A relationship begun on a foundation of betrayal and lies has a difficult time transitioning to one of trust and loyalty.
These are only a few of the things researchers and experts toss out as reasons that affairs usually end, however long they last in the interim. The significant part of the whole ordeal is that in the vast majority of cases, they do end for a variety of causes, just like any romantic relationship might end for any number of reasons.
Can my marriage be saved after an affair?
This is really the question that matters most of all, isn’t it? Or put another way, should it be saved?
One thing about discovering betrayal by a person you have shared so much history and connection with is that it can make you question a lot of things about your life that you always just assumed or took for granted. We begin to question the value of the relationship in light of investing or sacrificing even more to keep it in our lives. What makes answering the question more difficult is deciding whether we even want to try to save it.
Unless you have some sort of super powers most of us never possessed, figuring out whether you want to try to salvage the marriage or just walk away from it and start new somewhere else is going to yield one answer at a given moment and something else completely hours, minutes, even seconds later. Your emotions will run the gamut from deep longing and feelings of great loss to anger, resentment, and a need for revenge. Emotional reactions change more rapidly than weather patterns on the plains of the Midwest in April. For both betrayed and betrayer, intimate betrayal is linked to increased suicide and intimate homicide.
When confronted by a crisis like finding out our spouse is romantically involved with someone else, our sense of reality is shaken to its very core. Very few events challenge our beliefs and values the way a spouse’s affair can. Because our emotions are so unstable, figuring out what to do is going to be an exercise in self-control and commitment.
This brings us to one final question for this article…
What should I do when my spouse is having an affair?
The answer to this really depends a great deal on what you eventually decide you want to happen. If you want to try to restore your marriage once the affair ends, there might be things you can do that make that easier. There are also a lot of things you might do that make it harder, should you get the chance. Knowing what you should be doing (and avoid doing) is something only you can decide, since you are the one who must be willing to do those things that bring about what you want in the end.
If you choose to divorce as quickly as possible, there are things you should do right away to make the process go more quickly and smoothly. There will also be things that will give you an advantage or some leverage to help your cause in the divorce. Not all from either category will be beneficial the other way around. So, as in choosing to try to save your marriage, choosing to divorce is going to hold many options, not all of which are compatible with your goals.
One thing you can do, whether you hope to save your marriage or seek the least painful divorce you can accomplish–or even if you haven’t yet decided which course to pursue–is to register for our online community and find support for whatever you determine is your path forward. You might find advice from others who have walked in your shoes, or learn about a program, book or method that has helped other people. You can also come by just to vent your anger and frustration while you work on your decision so you don’t burn any bridges you later might wish you hadn’t.
Answering the question of what to do is a big part of why Marriage Advocates exists. Many people have had a similar experience to yours in the past. Unfortunately, many more will go through the same thing in the future. Join us for a discussion of what works and what doesn’t.
Struggling here to survive, my best friend, lover, mother to my children, left me 3 days before my birthday on April 23. I cried and begged her to stay but have now found out through my cell carrier that she had been talking to a co-worker for over 7 years. She had told me someone was hitting on her but she took care of it (ALL LIES). My biggest problem now is we live in a tiny town of less than 5,000 people. She is flaunting this affair going to a different church, Wal*Mart, restaurants, School events as if she dropped me and picked up this new guy in 24 hours. They even spent 6 days in Gatlinburg (Where we honeymooned 25 years ago). Why can the courts decide in cases like this, this woman will get 1/2 of my 401k, 1/2 of my house, vehicles. . . etc. She is the one who is committing adultery and I am an idiot. (I still love her with my whole heart, mind and soul.
Signed, Broken and crushed !
I am reading post from wayward spouses and they act like the affair was their spouses fault. That is a load of crap, look at yourself, no one put a gun to your head to cheat and you made a choice to do it. Since you feel so bad to your SO, let them go so they can be with someone is true and loyal.
Hello,
I usually don’t take the time nor do I have the courage to post anything but I am in such bad shape emotional that I need help. I’ve been with my husband for 15 years, have two beautiful children, and even though it wasn’t always great I was happy with our family and deeply in love with him too. I recently found out that he was having an affair with a sister of one of his employees. For two months I watched him coming home at 2 am, never spending time with us, never hoe and always getting angry when I’d ask him why he was doing this. He’s always say that he is stressed out and just thinking about everything. Come to find out after much investigation that he had been seeing her and trying to sleep with another woman as well. I was devastated! A week later I found the woman and confronted her.. later that evening he became enraged towards me after she told him what happened. He attacked me in front of our kids and I called the police. He was arrested and prohibited from coming home for an unknown period of time. It’s been 3 months since I’ve seen him, I’ve cried, stopped eating, spent countless hours in my bed and in the meantime he has been living with her.. and continue doing this without remorse. I’ve found where he moved her and I’d find myself driving by at 1 am to see if he was still going to be with her. I’ve gone online looking for “distraction” just to chat but somehow found myself getting attached emotionally to a man who seems perfect except he is married! We text everyday, it’s been about two months now but it wasn’t physical until a week ago when we actually found the courage to meet. It was a quick meeting but we did share a kiss. I feel horrible and lost and so does he but we can’t seem to stop talking. How can I do this? After it was done to me. I’m confused and this isn’t like me. Part of me feels like I am trying so desperately to find compassion or affection from a man that I not thinking like myself..
I read your story and it could be mine. I’ve currently been seeing a married man. It’s been going on almost 10 months, but as studies show most affairs and between a month to a year, it’s on it’s last leg. This may actually hurt more than my husband’s affair (which did I mention was with one of my best friends).
Hmmm. I’m not sure how my affair relationship is still in limerance after 5 years? He is 15 years my senior. We love one another. I always had a connection to him or I wouldn’t have started this relationship. He was the man who took my virginity. Never in a million years did I aspire to someday become a married man’s mistress but here I am, five years later, still going strong. It isn’t all about the sex anymore, although the sex is still incredible. In the beginning, you are devoured by how good it feels. You really do not think past the moments you share together. But eventually real life does set in, as it has for us. And it prompted me to question our relationship. And whether it would be sustainable long term. He has questioned it, too. We both have different reasons to be weary. Me, because there is no future here. Because it’s soul destroying to be with a man who isn’t and can never be yours and has a whole other life. Him, because it’s stressful living a double life compounded by fear of discovery. Yes, I know this because my rational mind tells me so. I have fought with this concept once the fog wore off. Why am I settling for a married man when there are single and available men out there who could commit to me full time and share a future together? Why do I continually put myself through
this unrelenting emotional torture? Why?? Because I love him. And love hurts. Real love, that is. And this is how I feel. Nobody can tell me I don’t love this man. I guess that love isn’t a good enough reason? Or I couldn’t bare to live life without my best friend? The man who has been with me, and stayed with me through all the storms we have weathered during our time together? Because I can assure you there have been hundreds. How do two people hold it together for so long, always work it out and continue to stay strong when so many forces have come close to tearing them apart? People tend to minimize affair love. Well, they aren’t all covered by blanket statements, judgement or generalizations. Love is love. Sometimes it chooses us when you least expect it. And unless you have found yourself tempted by a force so powerful, then you will never truly understand. He has been with his wife for 25 years. He can’t throw that away. Not because he loves her. And he does, as his life companion, but because their lives are intertwined. Because of extended family, mutual friends, kids, grandkids, joint finances, a retirement plan, etc. People say a man who loves his mistress should jump ship and land wherever they land into the abyss. Well, not all men are the same or willing to take such risks. So, they carry on with two women. Both meet different needs. His wife no longer has sex with him. They have an intellectual connection whereas we have an emotional and physical connection. He has called me his second wife. I will admit it’s been tough being a mistress. But I have hung on. Through thick and thin. So has he. When one of us is drowning, the other is there with a life preserver. I would have drowned long ago if it wasn’t for him. We’ve kept each other afloat. He takes incredible risks to be with me. And despite those risks, he remains unwavering in his commitment to me. Love is not always all encompassing. Love doesn’t mean you always throw caution to the wind. Love isn’t what the fairytales tell us. In real life, there are varying shades of grey. Not everyone is the same and neither is every situation. I dare say we have beat the odds in the affair game.
Amanda,
I think that there might be at least two likely responses that you would typically get to your post.
The first response, from those who have been betrayed, at least recently, is likely to be a scathing attack on your moral weaknesses and a venting of significant anger at how cheaters and homewreckers are somehow less than capable of true love. I’m not going to go down that road.
The second likely response would be to offer support and assurance that you should follow your heart and do what makes you both happiest in life. It seems to me that you have already taken that path, so I’m not going to go that direction either.
You mention that “love hurts.” I actually take exception with that statement. “Love” doesn’t hurt. Betrayal hurts. Lost love hurts. Death of someone close to you hurts. Lying hurts. Deception hurts, maybe self-deception more than being deceived by someone you love.
You also state that “love is love” and that “it choses us.” I disagree with that as well. Love is something you choose to do. It isn’t simply about how another person makes us feel. It’s about caring for someone. Not merely a feeling, caring is about exhibiting care and striving to provide, protect and support someone to help them get the best out of life. Love is placing another’s needs and feelings ahead of your own. Love is something you do and not just something you feel.
You talk about temptation as if other people have never been tempted and found the ability to resist it. This sort of temptaion is so powerful, I would assume, that we are helpless to walk away rather than acting on our desires and I’m not simply talking about our sexual desires here. I once owned a car that was fast…I’m talking significantly faster than most on the highway. It was red and looked fast. It was the kind of car the cops wanted to write a ticket for at the stop light because he knew I either was going too fast, had been going too fast or would be going too fast. I was constantly tempted to drive faster than the speed limit. In fact, it was hard to drive the speed limit at less than highway speeds. What kept me from driving over the speed limit was that I knew that there were consequences for doing so. I could quickly lose my license to drive at all. I could wreck my car, maybe lose my life. I could wreck someone else and maybe take their life. I might cause so much chaos and damage that I would be sued, lose my house where not only I, but my wife and children lived and lose my job becausae I had no way to get to work.
I know you are sure that it isn’t the same sort of temptation but I can assure you that all temptation is pretty much the same. There is no force in the universe that compels us to act on our temptations. If everyone were to simply give in to temptation when it shows itself, the consequences for our world would be pretty significant.
I’m not going to tell you that you aren’t in love with your married lover. I won’t waste your time trying to convince you that it isn’t real love or that he doesn’t really love you or he would want to marry uou to be together with you on holidays, birthdays, to build a life and home with you. What I am going to do is ask you a direct question about your relationship with him
Is it “right?”
You see, that is the beginning of every affair, convincing yourself that it is the “right” thing to do. It begins with the feelings, that limerence thing you have long outgrown. We first convince ourselves that anything that feels so wonderful can’t possibly be wrong and so it must be right. We tell ourselves that it is inevitable or a matter of fate or some sort of irresistable cosmic force and the choice is out of our control; the choice is being made for us and resistence is futile.
A friend of mine is a motivational speaker who speaks with high school students. He says that there is a principle that applies to every choice we make in life. That principle is that we reap what we sow. We can’t plant potatoes and harvest carrots. We can’t sow radishes and harvest grapes. Even more important when it comes to our choices is that whatever we plant is what we will have to eat. We will experience the consequences of every choice we make in life. Every choice has consequences, some immediate and some delayed, perhaps for years, but they are still inevitable and are the direct result of the choices we make. We don’t always know what those consequences will be until we look back on our life and see the price we paid for some of them.
You already know some of the price you pay for having a long term relationship with a man who is still married to someone else. You won’t automatically inherit anything from him. When you are both old and unable to sneak off to be together you won’t be sitting together to watch the sunset from the porch of your home, built together, and surrounded by children and grandchildren you raised together. Your hours together will add up to perhaps months but not years and you will never experience what that intertwining of family and friends he shares with his wife is all about. Even if for some reason he decided to leave his wife, he will still be conected with his family, his inlaws, his children and grandchildren and the best you can hope for is that you would be his second wife. You can never share the joy of watching his children grow up, sing in the school play, hit his first home run or go on her first date.
The reason love hurts so much is because you aren’t really in a loving relationship. You are in love with him and he might even be in love with you but you have to share him with his wife, his family, her family, friends they have in common and his responsibilities to a whole world you can never be a part of. As long as you are with him as his mistress, you will never be a part of his family.
So I’ll leave you with another question.
What price are you paying for the choice you have made to have a relationship with a married man?
Hello Mark. What’s the price I’m paying?
The loss of my sanity. The loss of my self esteem. Never feeling safe. Never having peace of mind. I realize that the woman I once was before the affair started has ceased to exist. And I will never be that woman, ever again. He took my innocence you can say. And I was vulnerable enough to allow it.
I pay for my choice every day. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t suffer for this man.
I feel like he is a crutch in my life and I am afraid to let go.
He has recently begun to tell me that he is selfish and self centered to keep me because he knows I deserve better than him. That I am more than he deserves. Then he tells me he never wants to let me go. It’s like he feels two opposite ways pulling at each other. And so do I. The emotions are so conflicting. And it really is excruciating. One one hand you know it’s bad for you but on the other hand you love that person and just can’t let go. So you keep living in this conflicted state. Little by little the pain begins to surpass the joy. And we’ve been close to leaving each other many times. In fact early in our relationship, he left me 5 times and came back to me. Because he came back, because he holds on to me, I have convinced myself it must mean something; I must mean something. It must be love.
He told me he loves me again yesterday. He told me because he loves me he should set me free because he can never be the man I want him to be. I don’t understand why he is saying this now? I constantly worry that he will replace me with someone new and exciting because after all I am no longer his goddess after 5 years. He sees all my flaws as I see his. And he still wants to be with me. And I with him. I have even drooled all over him and he’s ok with it. He told me that I need him and that his wife doesn’t need him. That he likes that I need him. He likes to treat me like a woman but sometimes like his little girl. He calls me his Princess.
But the trust issues are causing me anxiety and depression lately. As well as PTSD. I am always worrying about worst case scenarios. I feel like I’m walking a tight rope with no safety net. I’ve had these issues all along, just worse the more time that passes. Because there will always be someone with more fire than me because I’ve entered the attachment phase which has moved beyond sex and infatuation. But I am not sure if he has? He says he loves me but I just can never be sure. He is cheating on his wife and tragically, I know what he is capable of. So I am always loving him, then holding back. Afraid of giving too much. But I need to give. I need a deeper love now. And I worry he is happy with the status quo while I fall more deeply. I worry to this day I am just a hobby or distraction and soon enough, if not already he will get bored of me and find another woman. He denies all of my worries. Tells me I am wrong, have a vivid imagination. He says I am the only woman he will ever want. But he is charming and I worry he can use that charm on someone else. I fell for it. He seems to trust me and not worry I will find another man. Even though I am younger and very attractive. I’ve stayed loyal and commited to him. I just feel pretty trapped. Some days I think I am happy and others I am miserable. It’s never steady, it’s never stable. Its like riding a rollercoaster and to be honest, that becomes draining. I feel emotionally unhealthy. And I find it’s become hard to live my life. I never forsaw any of this when the fairytale began. I guess I’m still the princess desperately trying to hang onto that happy ending.
You can never be the same again.
Something “changes” inside you…
Amanda,
I have in the exact same situation with the difference that I interact with his family because we share a child. He manages to spend holidays with us and we go out as regular couple. Is like he lives a double life. We have known for 12 years were together for 5 month didnt see each other for 5 years then are back again 5 years ago. I dont even know how I got my self into this. I am strong independent woman stubborn not easy to deal with, but no matter how many times I left him. He would not leave me alone and would be consistent and would not leave me. He just does whatever I ask him to do. So now I just use it for my own convenience.
Mmm. I had an affair with an old coworker. Started online. Boy did he make me feel special. Lasted two years. Here is what I remember of my affair: he changed into a controlling ass. The sex was bad…very bad… he wanted video chat so he could masterbate. Hounded me for nude pictures constantly. And I remember the look on my husbands face as his heart broke when he found out. That will haunt me forever. My husband was not a bad man. We just didn’t communicate our feelings. Our sex life was great. I cheated so I could feel special with a man who used me like a whore. What does that say about me? My husband still has ptsd issues three years later. He has convulsions when he try’s to sleep. Major depression. And I caused that. Because I couldn’t communicate. And I was selfish. I ruined him. That’s what affairs do. Those are my memories.
Exactly! I also did the same – couldn’t communicate and hurt my husband and he eventually left me for another woman. He couldn’t get over the texts I sent to another man. Our marriage was not perfect but I loved him and he loved me but communication was poor and I acted out. Don’t do it! The pain I have endured for the past 4 years not to mention my daughter’s pain is the worst I have ever experienced and if people would just communicate all could be avoided.
Since you feel so bad about what you did your husband, let him find a woman who will be loyal to him only. Your selfishness hurt a good man who did not deserve that. Guess what you deserved to be treated like a whore for what you did.
I am responding to a July 21, 2017 post from Elizabeth who was responding to a an earlier post. My heart dropped when I read Elizabeth’s post because it was identical to mine. The only difference, I’m a 63 year old married man in love with a 42 year old married woman. Moreover, I applaud Elizabeth for sharing her story because it took me out of a depression I’ve been feeling since our affair was discovered by her husband. Additionally, we were planning to leave our significant others until the discovery. As a consequence, her husband has made her life beyond miserable. He not only threatening to kick her out of the house on a moments notice (he’s in title, not her), he also threatening to legally sever her from their shared mutual business. He also Facebooked all their friends and family of the affair. The shaming alone drove her into such despair she withdrew from everybody and everything. She sought counseling and is now convinced she’s a “broken person” and has to start anew. Subsequently, she has turned against me and has severed our relationship. On occasion, I will receive a communication surreptitiously from her telling me how much she loves me and misses me, however, also tells me not to communicate back. Bottom line, Elizabeth is right by saying “it’s just hard for you to admit that your marriage has been dead long before the affair.” Our problem, we didn’t act on our gut instincts and end our marriages. Sadly, four lives are in despair versus two being happy.
I hate to say it Gary, but your morals died long before your marriage did. Some marriages need to end, in cases of abuse or unsafe conditions but this “epiphany” that you married the “wrong” person is a crutch used by people who don’t understand the Godly concept of love and don’t understand the stages of a marriage. The Bible gives a perfect description of love, and I hate to say it but the feelings of love in an affair isn’t love. If you two actually loved each other, you would have done what was best for the other person…which would have been one of 2 things. ( allowing time to divorce your respective spouses, heal from the divorce and then begin a relationship. Or allow each other time to repair your marriages and fix your broken concepts of what a marriage even is). When you commit to a marriage, you commit to it for life. It’s no different than committing to caring for an ailing parent. Do you drop that commitment as soon as it becomes inconvenient or as soon as you have something better to do? No, because you love and respect them enough to sacrifice for them. That’s what a marriage is, and that’s what you vowed to do. There’s no need for others to beat you up about this, because you are probably already beating yourself up about your life decisions. Depression usually follows self reflection and the fact we’ve not only failed the people in our lives but failed ourselves. There are many parables that Jesus taught, it might benefit you from studying their meanings and trying to apply their concepts.
This is so hard for me I never thought it would happen to me..I’m gonna try to tell u a bit of how things happen. 15 years ago I had a boyfriend Robert, we were together foir a year he was nice kind we had a nice relationship but he was my manager so someone found out and he had to choose and he chose his job his career. We broke up and moved on…I met Carlos who is my husband now from the very beginning he kinda stated what he wanted and how things were gonna b he has a strong temper,he did hit me and insulted m but I wasn’t gonna let happen to me twice like I didn’t wanna break up again I guess..we got married and got a daughter she is seven years now,and he would still hit me till 5 years ago and even hit my daughter,he would asked m to leave but I had nowhere to go so I always came back and begged to try again he used to tell m just to agree to everything don’t argue back and everything will b the same..So I guess I got used to it but everything was stressful could b 5 mins late had to have his lunch ready and packed or he wouldnt take it..silly things like that would piss him off..one day I got an email from Rob he said he was looking for me for years,he divorced his wife and now he has an issue w his leg and it might get amputated…we met and nothing has changed everything was the same,he even smelled the same..So we kept talking and things got out of control…I started cheating on my husband…still at home I had fights w my husband and Rob asked m to move in w him,one day my husband said he was gonna hit m if I didn’t rush to do something he needed it and threw a piece of paper at my face…He kinda started noticing things but didn’t really say anything…I started swing him different didn’t want him to touch me and one night we fought he said he was leaving and I decided to leave instead with my daughter and moved in w rob…Everything was fine there my daughter was happy Rob is very nice h makes my daughter’s snack takes her to the library has coffee for m every morning makes m feel beautiful sexy I can wear things I wasn’t allowed w Carlos but things got crazy cause of the problem with his leg he was taking poll sleeping when. I got home barely seeing each other I started complaining that he ruined my life that I was better w Carlos he got fed up and asked m to leave the house..I did and now Carlos has been trying to get us back he is going to the church he says he changed but I really cant even kiss him I feel I love Robert
I am 23 years old and have been married for 5 years, I was 17 when I eloped. I was “young and in love” and went against my parents’ wishes to marry. My husband is a good man, he takes good care of me. We have two young children together. I care deeply for him but I feel as I do not love him. I have felt this way for a long time, before I began my affair, even.
The man I am having an affair with is much older than me, he is 46 years old. When I met him, I was instantly attracted to him. I enjoy spending time with him, he is smart and funny. I always feel safe and taken care of when I’m with him. He makes me feel wanted.
My husband found out about my affair and has forgiven me and proposed with go to counseling. I have not been able to end my affair because I have grown close to this man. He is also married and with children.
I know the right thing to do is to end it and try to mend my own marriage before I wreck his, but I cannot find the courage.
I don’t know what to do anymore. Currently thinking about a divorce as I feel it is not fair to my husband to lead him on when I have feelings for someone else. I am very disappointed in myself for not respecting my vows and destroying my family. I will never forgive myself for these selfish decisions I’ve made.
Has anyone else been in my position?
I am currently going through this situation, on the other side of the table. I am the husband and my wife and I have been married for almost 5 years. She was 18 when we eloped and got married against her parents permission. We have two beautiful children together, a two year old and an almost four-year-old. She has been having an affair since November 17th and left me on January 1st. She is already moved in with her affair partner, however; she knows that I love her and have forgiven her and I too have proposed marriage counseling. She is not willing to end her affair. You said yourself you care about your husband, so I believe I would end my Affair and if he’s willing to forgive you, get your butt home.
“I know the right thing to do is to end it and try to mend my own marriage before I wreck his, but I cannot find the courage.”
“I always feel safe and taken care of when I’m with him. He makes me feel wanted.”
And it’s likely that this revelation would hurt your husband just as much as the affair itself, because it’s very likely he would wish to provide you with the same. What you need to do is have faith in him and find out together how that can happen.
You do not say you having trouble finding the goodness to end the affair, but the courage. That suggests you are afraid of life without it. You are afraid of going back to the way things were before. You are afraid of the depression that will come with withdrawal. You need to find ways to address those fears and overcome them. Some have suggested antidepressants for the latter. Only fixing your marriage can address the former, but you can’t do it from here, so you’re going to have to have faith that you and your husband can change. He wants to make it work so think: Where there’s a will there’s a way.
“I don’t know what to do anymore. Currently thinking about a divorce as I feel it is not fair to my husband to lead him on when I have feelings for someone else. I am very disappointed in myself for not respecting my vows and destroying my family. I will never forgive myself for these selfish decisions I’ve made.”
You already led him on by getting married and having kids, you can’t take it back now.
It is for your husband to decide whether your actions should mean divorce, and he hasn’t chosen that. You can’t control your feelings, the only way to avoid them was not to do what you have done. But you can choose to stop acting on them any time, and not long after that they will start to decrease.
If you seek divorce because right now you FEEL like not doing what you know to be right, that is //not// better than the status quo! If your husband wanted a divorce he would be seeking one.
Even if you don’t “have the courage” this instant, if he’s hanging in there and putting faith in you to find it, then so should you.
If your husband has given you grounds for divorce, the only way you can deal with that is with your head screwed on. End the affair first, cut off contact, give yourself space from the other man, then try to reconcile and get what you need from your husband. If that doesn’t work, go through the divorce process before you start on any other relationship. If you want it to have a chance, start it honestly, don’t let it be something started in cruelty and destruction.
By the way, to feel “in love” with your husband again is totally feasible – once you are emotionally available for it. It won’t be the same euphoria as just picking a new person … but it is something that can change readily based on your own actions, you act in love and your brain will go along with it. There are lots of different resources on this topic.
There are people who chase that euphoria again and again, a succession of relationships lasting 6 months to 2 years. But marriage means learning to love the one you’re with. If the headstart got used up it’s still just a question of being willing to make the effort.
Oh man do I need advise. I am husband and married 25 years in a sexless marriage now for 7 years. We don’t touch, hug only if something really bad happens and there for support.
We are amiable house mates. Sleep in same bed but don’t get near each other.
She put on 25 pounds and stopped working out and said “I’m done and not trying anymore…just going to do what makes me happen”
Its a long story. I was never physically attracted to her, she then lost 30 pounds, size 4, worked out with weights, dieted. Was a head turner. Then I married her and it was over. We had kids. It was like she did it to get me, have kids, she stayed home with them. I love them I love her in a deep way as a friend, mother to my children. We have NO common interest, have never gone out, no mutual friends. She has friends and is social.
I am SUPER lonely. So I meet someone who takes my breath away. She is married but husband left and lives across the country. She has a girl…kind of single mom.
This affair is much easier for her because no husband around to hide from.
Its killing me because I feel I met a soulmate. Too early to tell but I dont want to throw away 27 years of history with my wife. I selfish part of me wants to stay married in my housemate situation and keep the affair. I would even love for my wife to meet someone who could make her happy. I care about her more like a sister and best friend but this is not and never will be again intimacy.
Hi Confused. I am the husband of a wife who had an emotional affair with someone else. My wife and I have 4 wonderful boys together and we too became roommates unintentionally. We both loved each other but our emotional needs were not being met. This put her in a really dark place which led to her emotional affair. It was mostly texting and phone calls. They only met twice. The affair ended back in November and I have learned so much about affairs since then.
I’ve learned that resentment is the fuel that feeds the fires of an affair. She kept going back to that place in our marriage when we were younger and I was not there for her emotionally. Dwelling on that painful time in our marriage gave her the permission to pursue the affair. She convinced herself that I no longer cared about her because of how busy we were with the kids. We no longer went on date nights and rarely slept in the same bed at the same time. I realize now that neither of our needs were being met. For me, I withdrew emotionally because I believed she no longer valued her time with me. This in turn, made her believe I no longer cared for her. This is the negative cycle. But the truth was that we both loved each other more than anything but because we lacked intimacy our needs were no longer being communicated or met in a meaningful way.
Chances are your wife has felt your distance just as I felt my wife become more independent and stopped investing emotionally in me and our marriage. When it finally came to light, I was completely blindsighted by the affair and did not realize just how lonely she felt. Once we were able to reconnect emotionally and open up about our true feelings, she stopped investing in the affair and started investing in our marriage again. It was like we were dating all over again. We looked forward to each other’s texts and messages and we were finally experiencing true intimacy. I forgave her for her infidelity and she forgave me of my emotional neglect and we stopped resenting and started filling each other’s love tank which had been on empty for a long time.
The reason you are seeking out this affair is because you feel like your needs can no longer be met by your wife. But that is not necessarily true. Chances are your wife loves you very much but doesn’t have the emotional tools to tell you how she feels about you. You must see past the anger and resentment and remember why you married her and had children with her. You must be open with her about how you really feel. It may feel counterintuitive but the more you tell her everything the more she will eventually open up to you again.
Please, if you still want to save your marriage listen to this podcast. There is hope for you!
https://healingbrokentrust.com/learnmore
Marriage isn’t just a commitment not to have sex with someone else.
Not to put out and then to expect someone to remain celibate is totally unreasonable and a violation of everything a married person should expect.
My advice however is not to approach your wife with an ultimatum, but instead to think about what you can do yourself to inspire her to change. It needs to be sudden, it needs to be big and it needs to involve reaching out to her consistently.
If that fails then I would seek divorce.
Don’t start a relationship with this other woman, however suitable she may seem you are a married man. Get the divorce process underway. If your wife is happy to divorce rather than make any effort towards participating fully in your marriage then it’s weeks not months. Even the divorce process gives you both a chance to reconcile your marriage, and it – NOT an affair – may be the wake-up call that is finally needed, and it should be completed before you begin anything or get your head messed up with an outside involvement.
Remember, everyone starting an affair thinks they met their soulmate. 1 in 50 of them end up marrying. 1 in 200 end up staying married. Because if she gets involved with you, that means she’d get involved with a married man and be a homebreaker in a situation that you have not attempted to resolve without her being involved. Don’t overlook what that would mean about you both.
Infidelity is never the answer. Divorce might have to be, infidelity is not.
Same as you. I’m confused. I’m a wife. Married with a daughter. Hubby overseas. Met the guy at a workplace. Never thought he’d awaken something in me. Makes me feel so special. He went back to abroad and I thought it was the end for us but here we are still chatting for 1 year and 7mos. I think I’m in love with him. Not sure if he feels the same way. And so I’m confused.
My husband of 6 years and 3 beautiful kids and one on the way is having an affair with my best friend of 10 years. I’m not sure what to do. I want to fight for my marriage but I’m at wits end. He leaves us here (I’m on bedrest due to preterm labor at 27 weeks) to go be with her and her 3 kids over night sometimes ( all whome have grown up with our kids) he’s told our son that she’s going to be his step mom… her kids now call him daddy. Neither of us have filed for divorce yet but he wants to go at the end of this week. He doesn’t know I know about the physical affair… I don’t know what to do.
I believe you have to let him go and explore that seemingly perfect relationship. Once he is with her, the honeymoon phase ends and her 3 kids start being a headache he will realize what he lost. The best thing you can do now is to trust that he will return. I know you love him, let him go and he will return. Also it’s very important that you don’t argue with him, stay calm and let him walk away. I promise you it won’t be long before he returns
I’m 42 my husband just turned 50 we have 3 boys 15 14 and 3. My husband is having the affair as we speak.. He lies about it. Locks his phone. Goes to great lengths to hide things from me.. I’m not going to end my marriage.. Over this due to my sons.. I’m just asking how to cope.. With all of this..Right now I’m trying my best to ignore it. Like nothing is wrong.. I’m just working on myself right now.. losing weight, working out..Trying to love me again.. Any ideas please…
I am so sorry you are going through this. I know this is devastating and life altering. Please know that his actions are separate from you even though it feels like a direct hit on you. He may be torn between the two different lives he’s living and not sure how to proceed. He may very well love this other woman, but doesn’t want to rip his family apart, therefore, he stays in the marriage. It is hard to “compete” and it’s almost impossible to win him over in this way. The reason being is he is may be deep in emotions with this other person.
Please know that affairs are not always about the other person being better, more beautiful, skinnier, or educated. It’s new, fun, different, a connection that isn’t being filled or that he didn’t realize he needed. BUT it gets old after awhile, the hiding, the lying, the conflicted emotions, and the seperate lives. Even so, affairs can last months and even years.
It’s not impossible to rekindle your marriage, but he needs to end his affair before he can refocus his love and attention on you and him.
His actions doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t love you.
Stay true to yourself and don’t sway from being the woman you are proud of and yoir kids love. This is so important through the healing. Know that God is with you and will never abandon you. He loves you unconditionally. I will be praying for you and your family.
13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
Philippians 4:13
Hi Kellie,
I totally disagree with Amanda, the trust is gone, it is not the others persons fault who your husband is having an affair with, it is your husbands fault. He made the choice. I went through it and you will have to go through it and it will hurt for a long time and it will pass. I am sure the affair is hurting now also. I would say though be very sure you are right that he is having an affair and most likely you are because you just know don’t you, it is a strong feeling.
Anyway I wish well no matter what:)
Here’s my story but first my question… after 18 months post discovery … sometimes I think my accidential discovery affair and resulting devastation – hitting rock bottom and slowly climbing myself out… and insisting he end affair – prevent him from hitting rock bottom. If I was less emotional and devastated at time of discovery, Summer ’16, I might have said… go ahead… move in w/her – she’s long distance, don’t see our kids all summer… and see how long it lasts before you come crawling back. I would have given it 4-6 weeks to implode completely between them or for him to realize how much he was going to lose by being w/her. Instead, he ended it for “me” and because he got caught. Did I make a mistake doing this??… not letting him see the full devastation of his affair and will that lead to him doing it again… thoughts? My story… .28 year marriage, one teen child with disability, one with critical illness who is young adult; highs and lows and highs of 28 years together, he started w/her on line texting and sexting and it became physical after 14 months when she traveled to our city from her home in South West. We live in New England. He is trying to make amends. We’ve spent small fortune on recovery. I’m getting best results for restoring myself through Al Anon. Future uncertain. Would welcome your input. I treat his affair like alcoholism… I didn’t cause it, I couldn’t control it and I can’t cure it. Dettaching with love but dettaching slowly and surely. I have lost a sibling and parent and I can say w/o a doubt that being cheated on is worse. When I a person dies, even under terrible circumstances, there is a sense of peace eventually. No peace yet – even 17 months later… it stinks and it’s expensive and it’s the worst. Be a real man or woman… have integrity and some loyalty to your spouse – even a shred will help and end the marriage rather than cheat. It’s so damn ugly. Peace to all those this holiday season who were betrayed and are trying to heal. MM
“Instead, he ended it for “me” and because he got caught. Did I make a mistake doing this??… not letting him see the full devastation of his affair and will that lead to him doing it again… thoughts?”
No, you did not make a mistake. Withdrawal, coming from him, is a FAR better outcome than you or he allowing things to take their course. You demanded his re-commitment and you got it. You need to appreciate that however wrong his actions, he went through significant pain including the pain of letting down the other woman.
He sinned against you and he knows it. Guilt leaves people feeling that they are dirty and might as well sin again. Forgiveness wipes the slate clean and sets them up to hold themselves to high standards in the future.
You need to understand why it happened and build a narrative . Good luck.
” Dettaching with love but dettaching slowly and surely. I have lost a sibling and parent and I can say w/o a doubt that being cheated on is worse.”
Correct, and people report it is worse than being raped.
Detaching from your husband? Terrible idea, unless he refused to properly end the affair. If he has cut off contact with the other woman and is serious about trying to regain your trust, then you need to see this clearly. You have a 2-way choice. Either tell him you’ve had enough and you’re ditching him, which you could have done in the first place. Or accept that to make a marriage work you are going to need to find it in you to forgive him – with him understanding the hurt and damage he has caused. Find ways to rebuild your trust. The fear that he will betray you again is understandable and forgiveness is not forgetness, but you can’t go on together with suspicious minds.
My husband was having an affair with my best friend, who was also married with kids. She hit a rough patch with her husband and I tried to be a friend to her and helped her out by staying with me, her and her kids! Her husband was verbally abusive and started to get physical and the kids would see this. So like a good friend I did the best I could with good intentions and she lived at my home for a good month and sometimes spent the nights. She was a couple years younger than me and we had a sibling relationship. She went home to visit family and while visiting she had an accident and never came home. She died and left 2 beautiful boys and a betrayal between her and my husband that came crashing down like a million bricks to my heart. Since that betrayal things in me and my marriage will never be the same. First my husband told me they only had an emotional affair because she wanted to hear the things her husband once said to her… bullshit! Then I get a call from her husband telling me they did have both a physical and emotional affair and he could prove it with emails… they had emailed daily and she would send him porn videos of herself masterbating saying his name. ( her husband and mine had the same name) ain’t that s kick in the head. Ugh! But he said it wasn’t for him obviously because they weren’t sent to him and she never called out his name when orgasing. My husband just denied it for so long until I couldn’t be his fool anymore and I wouldn’t stop asking him about it. It took almost 2 yrs for him to finally confess about the sexual act that I knew about deep in my gut and in my heart. He fessed up to it and I wanted all details of everything and I hate to say it but everything he’s told me and will ever tell me, will always be second guessed. I will never trust him again!! I looked up divorce and was content about it and made up my mind about it. I didn’t know how I would do it because we have 4 children together but I decided I couldn’t do this to my self and stay after all the hurt that he had done to me. I told him we were just roomies and didn’t want anything to do with him anymore and as of now he had no say in what I did in my life and we were done. I was very honest with him about it too. I started to see another man and felt head over heals for this man but deep inside I know I only did it for my self gratification and insecurities. He had given me a reason to smile again and felt pretty and better about myself. My husband knew and had seen pictures and it drive him crazy. I guess this is where I begin to say I didn’t divorce my husband and I’m trying to heal after all these years, some days are harder than others. It’s hard when things pop up on Facebook and it shows like a countdown where or what you were doing at a time in your life… the anniversary’s are hard. My husband said that it was easy for him to have an affair because he never thought I would ever leave him and he took me for granted. When I became honest with him and didn’t care of his whereabouts or gave two shits about him and decided to do everything on my own, that’s where he panicked and had an emotional breakdown of him actually losing me. The truth is he has lost me in a lot of ways, emotionally and I have started to find myself spiritually and I know I’m worthy of having a beautiful life. If any word of advice to anyone is learn to love yourself!!! I wanted to die in my depression and had a lot of suicidal thoughts and that’s my biggest regret. I should have never let anyone have so much power over me to make me feel so little about myself. So, “yes, love yourself!” Another thing I learned was life is too short! I started letting the ones I love know how much I love them.
“I guess this is where I begin to say I didn’t divorce my husband and I’m trying to heal after all these years, some days are harder than others.”
So the revenge affair petered out?
You won’t heal while you’re still taking revenge.
Mine just left me for another woman last week. He said he had been in emotional lockdown for a long time, and that this other woman unlocked his emotions. I found out about it on Facebook when he posted pictures of them together. I’m devastated by it. I’ve lost 15 pounds in the last week. We were together four years. From what I can tell, they have little in common, and we still share two Facebook pages together, one of them a Christian page. We have a call on our lives together. I love him still, but I feel so betrayed. In what percentage do they return?
I am just beginning to come out of limerance myself. I am married to a verbal abusive man and had a 5 month emotional affair 5 years ago with a co-worker. I ended it after it became physical.
My co-worker and I were assigned together again beginning on 2017 and we started up again. This time it got much more intense. We were talking about being together when our kids finish college (15 years down the road). Fast forward…he began to fall out of limerance 3 months ago and I began to act “clingy” as he worded it. He has also been getting a little impatient with me and a bit “snappy” when I voice my yearning to be with him more often. I have never been told ever that I am “clingy”. It was an eye opener. I also began asking him if he loved me, etc. I began demanding his time at lunch and coffee breaks. I was acting this way because I could sense that he was taking a step back. He has recently admitted to me that he loves me, but is not “in-love” with me because we don’t spend enough time together to achieve real love. I agree. Real love takes time. I thought I WAS falling in-love with him and last week, I even told him I’m in-love, but after thinking, I am asking myself “what am I in-love with”???? How can I be in-love with someone that says they are not in-love with me and cannot promise any long-term plans with me?
I’m beginning to think I’m being duped. I don’t want to be with someone to help them prop up their marriage. We’ve been having intimate moments in stairwells and washrooms. I feel like such an idiot, I could really begin to despise myself soon. I think I’m finally falling out of limerance because of the new dynamics in my affair.
I thought that we were meant to be together and that he was my soulmate. We can talk for hours and we really do have a wonderful connection, but I hate acting so desperate and insecure. This is not who I am.
He said that in time, he can fall in-love with me as he continues to get to know me. After 6 months of telling me that we can be together 15 years down the road, he even said last week that nothing is 100% and he doesn’t want to tell me what I want to hear. I told him that I’m afraid of investing 15 years only for him to stay with his wife. His response was not assuring. My gut is telling me that even though he appears to be wonderful and sweet, I’m better off focusing on trying to fix things with my husband.
My husband can be verbally abusive, but I know and feel in my core, that my husband really loves me. My husband is impatient and has a bad temper and this hurts our marriage. Our school aged son is a handful and this has created many problems since the birth of our son. My son and my husband butt heads and it often puts my husband in a bad mood. It’s not fun being married to him anymore, but I’m not ready to give up yet because he really loves me and we were once very close.
Am I making any sense??? I’m such an idiot.
Hi Louise,
I would love to talk to you more maybe by email or text or Kik. Your situation is almost like mine. I would like to charity someone who has a similar situation. Can you email me or Kik message me??
My kik is: countryfarmgirl4u
What makes sense is that the other man is being honest about his feeling that for him you are just the bit on the side — (which to be frank is better than if you were not, after all his wife is a real human being too) — and you ought to take it at face value. If you still see yourself going off into the sunset given what you say, you are certainly not out of limerance.
You have a broken marriage and you need to work on it and see if your husband will change. You could be surprised. Having an affair isn’t the answer, how could dallying in stairwells make your husband be nicer to your son. You can help him to change but only if you get closer to him.
You cannot do it while you are emotionally invested in a distracting affair. Put the affair behind you, change jobs to avoid future contact. You are damaging your marriage even without being discovered. And I guarantee you that if you have unmet emotional needs you have been quenching with another man, your husband will have emotional needs unmet by you as well. Start there.
Verbal abuse is a behavior it’s quite possible to change. Your husband might benefit from anger management counseling to find out the factors underlying his hot temper.
My story….I’m 43 years old, and he is 60 we have been having an affair for the last 18 years at the beginning it was primitive, none of us expected anything else but an adventure… however that quickly changed, we realized we could not stay away from each other, it wasn’t just sex… Some Nights, or days we would just hold each other and cry, because believe it or not we felt guilty! We didn’t know how to stop! he’s a Physician, and I worked in Patient Care, so no matter what I would always run into him, even then, we couldn’t keep her eyes off of each other, my heart would pound and he would tell me later that his heart was pounding too…There was extreme passion. then after two years on Christmas Day he got on his knees and told me for the first time that he had fallen in Love with me, and I was able to tell him I felt the same way… once again we cried, he said what are we doing?! Honest to God throughout the years we have tried to stay away from each other, but now 18 years later he’s saying I swear by God I Love you more and more each day, some would say if he loves you why doesn’t he leave his wife? And I would say I haven’t ever asked him to, and I never would! she doesn’t deserve to be betrayed thats true! however she also does not deserve to be abandoned, and yes there is more at stake if he were to do this, however I will continue to be with him, and love him until he says no more! and because I love him I will let him go when he is ready… he is a good man because if he wasn’t he would have abandoned his wife a long time ago… and even if it seems so wrong that we are continuing this affair after 18 years, in all honesty if I weren’t in his life he would be miserable or even dead, he talked about taking his own life several times before me, Believe it or not in some way I’m actually keeping him with his wife… for her it’s really just to portray an image..that’s really all she cares about, Not his Heart! His emotions! Or his true needs, she just wants the image of a perfect family! but when it comes to his Heart, I know I have it! she has what only matters to her! at this point the house, the money, ect… unfortunately some marriages end up this way cold towards one another just living a routine day in and day out, so a lot of women on here are complaining about being cheated on, and acting like we took your husband, that’s not always the case sometimes it’s just hard for you to admit that your marriage has been dead long before the affair.
I’m praying for you. I pray that you read the bible about adultery and how God feels about marriage. You are missing out on the true blessing of being in a loving relationship. This man does not belong to you. He is in a covenant marriage and to God – only that relationship matters. I pray that God takes the blinders off of your eyes and the plugs out of your ears. God will be your final judge. Please think more about your salvation and your relationship with Christ. Please….
Hi Elizabeth,
I understand what you are saying. I am 35 and he is 50. My husband worked with him and invited to our house one hot summers day where we were formally introduced. By the 3rd meeting, it was clear that there was an undeniable connection. We hit it off and before you knew it I was at his house evry few weeks were we would be intimate physically. We convinced ourselves that it was just sex but we talked for hours and hours and knew there was more to it but just didnt want to admit it to eachother. After 5 years of meeting up at his place, his wife came home early one night and basically found me hiding in her closet. He had survived a heart attack after a year of stress dealing with her crying and trauma. They saw the doctor together and she asked to be prescribed sleeping pills but the doctor refused them, put his hand on her shoulder and said sympathetically after he told him he was having an affair “hun, if a man isnt eating at home, he is eating somewhere else” She was now sleeping in another room and they started living like sharemates. No matter how he tried, things were got worse for he and his wife. A year of no contact having and my 2nd child; he found his way back into in my life. At this stage we knew it was more than sex. We could be together and talk about our common dreams and aspirations aswell as the lack of desire our partners had for the same.
He told me that problems in their marriage were there even before we met. They never had children. No sex, difficulties in holding lasting conversations and no adventure. Its quite bizzare because both the wife and my husband are the same. Grew up in different culture with belief that sex is not important in marriage. They were content to just watch TV every night after work, not to be amourous with their partners.
He came from a family where his mother was not treated well and she didnt show love to him or his older brother. Which drew him to a loving Japanese woman who was all about being a caring woman. He and his brother were raised here in Australia. He would tell me.stories about how his father went abroad to work for months on end and his mother was never home so he would just be worried all the time. She even blamed her situation and unhappiness on he and his brothers existance.
I was born here and although my parents were good, my mother yearned for a divorce apparently since I was a baby. I saw my mum go through what I am going through now….my father not wanting the adventure my mother wanted and only wanted to work…this eventually after 2 more childen and unforgettable dramas since year 6 ; my parents ended up in divorce just as I finished highschool. I recall the days in which my mother was on the phone telling her lover not to call my house. The lover ended up being a close family friend of ours….
We are now at a point where we think and breathe eachother everday. From day one he didnt want to destroy his innocents wifes heart so he chose not to tell. For me I have children: a 5 year old and 13 year old. My 13 year old and i are close and I talk about these kind of topics with her of course withoit divulging or details. We live in a new world where divore / seperation is normal. I wish my mother spoke to me from her heart the way I do to my daughter. This I promised i would do with my own childen. As for him, I feel what he is doing taking care of his wife is noble. If he was cold hearted he would leave her, but he wants her to make that call when she is ready.
My man yesterday has advised that he wants to come clean to his wife. She suspected something was going on and basically said that if it were me again; that they were definitely going to seperate. He beliebes shes finally coming ro grips with the reality that it is more than just sex and that we have a genuine connection. He rings me up all the time just wanting to hear my voice, tells me.he loves me and just cant deny it anymore. He promised God that he would promise to love his wife in the caring sense. Make sure she is set up so that whatever happens, she will have a roof over her head and his support if she should ever need it. I too wish the same for my children and even my husband. We both dont want to end our marriages bitterly, but want our partners to understand that there are parts of our marriage that no longer work and that if areangements for an open marriage can be agreed upon, this would be the best scenario. I have a proud husband however and i know this will not go down well.
People need to understand that marriages fall out early than they suspect it to. Were all human. To err is human, to forgive is divine. Every human wants to be happy…and anyone with a heart would want all those who would be affected to also be happy.
For now, we are riding the storm and will see where it goes. All I know is that things are slowly starting to change and eventually all truths must come out.
Elizabeth, what a horrible deceitful person you are. You confess of this passionate love for this man, this so called goodman. He is as deceitful and selfish as you. For 18 years you have both betrayed this mans family in the most heinous way possible. You have both done it out of your own selfish, horrific needs.
And I laugh at how pathetic you really are when you state that you have prevented him from from self harming, that you have his heart, his wife only the materialistic part of him. You are a fool. He has you were he wants you and for 18 years you have only been an adulterer, nothing more. You only know what he wants you to hear about his wife, so that he can continue to have this affair. If you really were of any value and importance to this so called man, you wouldn’t still be the adulteress.
My marriage ended because my husband had an affair and I can say with 100% certainty that he did because of his lack of morals and addictions. I adored my husband and he was well cared for believe me. His sexual addiction killed our marriage and his weakness to get help showed how weak he is. Like Tiger Woods, he would rather get sexual gratification from elsewhere. The woman he is with now, will be gone and it will not last. Yet they both absolutely destroyed me and showed me the pits of utter desolation. Something I would never wish on anyone.
You Elizabeth, while you state you will freely release him when he wants to go, how absolute shallow of you. I laugh in your face, because you have wasted 18 years of your life, believing in your fantasy, with him stringing you along. You are nothing to him. 18 wasted years when you could have been with someone who truly loved and respected you, whereas you have only had seconds from a married deceitful man.
You Elizabeth have wasted 18 years of your life
I would expect this
You should be ashamed of yourself. There are about a gazillion other men in the world. God will never give you another woman’s husband.
And shame on him more for being a selfish man.
Hi..I’m 29 and married for 7yrs.. Blessed with two sons..My husband has hardly speaks to me or gives me attention..Only on social media calls from frens business and football matches.. doesn’t spend time with me.. has no clue wats happening to me at work.. he his very strict n soon to anger so I don go to talk much to him..Tats wen I met my friend who s also married n has a son..V don’t want our families to know tat v speak but allow it go on for how ever long it wud take.. but… First time in a scenario like tis… I wonder wats next.. Living in fear..
Hello everyone,
I’m glad I found this board, as I’ve found it both insightful and comforting to see others getting through similar hardships.
I’m 37, wife is 34. We’ve been together 16 years, married 8. We have 4 awesome kids (15, 6, 4, 11mnths). About 4 years ago my wife and I were going through a rough spot, we were both little depressed, my mother had moved in with us, I’d suffered a personal loss, etc… Around this point she made the decision to start working out and get back into shape. In the midst of our “rut” my (my working every day and her working out everyday + caring for 2 boys), she fell head over heels for a fireman (our age) who was also working out there.
A few months later a mutual friend called me to let me know my wife was leaving love letters for another guy at the gym. So, after some snooping in her facebook page, I found the messages she was sending him. After the confrontation and lot of self thought about issues she was dealing with (rejection of her father) we determined we would work through it – with transparency (no more fb, gym, etc).
I took this as a wakeup call to reinvent our marriage with date nights and more affection. However, I also wasn’t taking care of myself physically (stopped exercising, up late at night trying to earn my degree while working and raising three boys, energy drinks, etc.)
Fast forward toabout a year half ago , I had a gut feeling something was awry, then I snooped through her messages again and saw where she had activated her page and gave him directions on where to find a “letter” she left him at the library….. So I raced to the library myself and found the note. Like some fantasy from a romance novel, I read what look like something that was written from a 14 year school girI to her badly wanted crush. I could feel my heart tearing in half as read the letter and the hopes she was offering to this other man. While letter gave the indication that nothing physical had happened between them, she obviously wanted badly to pursue a relationship with him. Again I was devastated and confronted her with what I had found.
…. Again, we agreed to move past it and get counseling. Unfortunately, I never made the appointment and she herself reinvested into the marriage – everything seemed ok. In fact it was around this time we realized she was pregnant with our last child. Everything appeared to be going well. However, our life at home still had its challenges (my mother, animals she didnt want, maintenance, etc), and although I finally finished with my BS from our local university (all while working 60hrs/week), I still found myself at the the same job and we hadn’t moved into a new home like I planned.
Another thing I should mention that constantly bothered my wife, till this day, was that we never had a “real wedding”. We eloped and it was a really shitty wedding with no ceremony. I had promised to make this day up to her a few times, but never followed through. This has been one of my biggest regrets in life and one I still planned to make happen.
About 4 months ago, my wife became increasingly distant and on her phone all the time. However, I understood and recognized the challenges she was facing (raising four kids while im at work) and tried to excuse her “absence”, as “her time”… but then finally it all came to a head about 3 weeks ago, when I got the dreaded “we need to talk” text…..
After days of trying to figure out what the issue was, she just said she “didn’t want to be married anymore”. Needless to say, I was devastated, but did my best to keep my composure and try to reason with her. Prior to her “announcement”, she had been indicating that she wanted to go back to work again (waitress). After her third night of coming home from work and going off into her own world I just told her to “come out with it, because I already knew”. Then she admitted to having been talking to that same person (fireman dude) over the past several months.
After she continued expressing wanting to go live at her girlfriends house, I reminded her that the door was there, she could leave whenever she wanted. Well…. she left. We agreed she could take the oldest and the youngest, while I kept the 6 and 4 yr olds. So shes been there at her friends (6000 sq ft home) around the corner. I do like her friend and husband and they have three boys about the same ages as ours.
Since shes been gone, we’ve been doing the kid/van swap every day between our work schedules. For the first week, I reminded her almost every night that the door was still open and she could come home, but she said “she was happy where she was at”. So for the last 2 weeks I’ve just gone with the flow, tried to look as relaxed as I can and keep it “light”.
We still keep in touch daily and finally went to our first marriage counseling session this past wed. Although she fell short of saying she willing to give it her best try, she did show up and agree to do the homework that our counselor gave us. She called me yesterday to see how I was doing. I just told her that I miss her, but other than that I was good.
I know she does love me, but I don’t want to be “best friends” I want to be her husband again. I want my family back. I don’t see how she believes this 34 fireman, recently divorced, with no kids of his own, is going to fulfill her fantasy dreams like her beloved romance novels.
I’m torn between giving herself the space she needs to make up her mind and just letting her understand exactly what its gonna be like to raise these kids on her own with the simple child support I send her. I want to tell her that I’m not gonna continue being “daddy day care” for her while she saves her money to move into her own apartment, while pursuing a relationship with this guy. She said she only communicates with this person online and that her time away at her friends house has been a “healing time” for her as she decides what she really wants.
My oldest son asked her if shes coming back with me and she told him that “it took a long time to get here and its going to take a long time to get things right”.
In the meantime, Ive been taking the advice I’ve read online and; got back to the gym, started eating better, new wardrobes, projects around the house, new life, etc. I see she notices and keep hoping that it brings her back home and our family back together.
Thanks for your time, I know this is a long one, lol. – my thoughts are with everyone here going through their own difficult times.
I don’t know who you are, but God does….You sound like an amazing husband and a blessing to your wife…. I will pray that God removes the veil from her eyes and gives y’all a godly love for each other…that no man can separate….I honestly don’t believe that your wife truly understands what she is doing….I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this….
Thanks for sharing. I read the whole thing. It is good to hear from the male perspective. I began an affair 19 years ago with an old friend. It has been off and on. He is also married. I don’t want to leave my spouse. I love my spouse. I don’t love me. I enjoy my spouse and lately don’t really like the other person. But I have trouble not goin running when he calls. If I were caught I would lose all and be devastated. I cut him off over 2 years ago physically but the threat is still there because we talk as friends. It is painful. Your wife knows the right thing to do. It is hard once you open the door to close it. I have not ever been with any other man nor desired to. Just him. I would not want to be his wife but it is hard to ever have him out of my life. I know what I have to do. I will do it. Nothing is worth losing my family. If your wife leaves you for him don’t feel it is a short coming in you. It is her. It is me. It is not that she does not love you , she does not love herself. If she leaves she will regret it. I wish you the best
Are you raging? I am and I’m incredibly puzzled by your understanding
Just make sure you protect your heart in there somewhere.
The whole concept of an affair is pure carelessness, teenage wanna-feel-like, SELFISH by all means and destructive PURE NONSENSE. I understand that as humans we have feelings and wants and SOME are automatically attracted to whoever is available to provide what they feel they “need” to live.
Wake up call for you all AP, WP and BS……
WE DON’T need anyone to make us feel complete….that is something you have to understand. All the suffering that is going around is all based on the believe that you NEED another person to feel whole…. wth is that?
In other words, you have litteraly placed you future in the hands of another person who is as or more confused them yourself to dictate your level of happiness.
I can’t think of another reason then this being the most pathetic cycle a person allows themselves to get tangled in.
STOP…..
BS… if your spouse says he/she “loves” the AP and can’t let them go…..do yourself a favor… don’t bother trying to convince your spouse or the world as to why the cheter should stay with you….. let your spouse go to their AP…. let the AP deal with his tamtrums once the high of the affair wears off.
See, reality will kick in and guess what?…. yep! ….. realife situations will now creep in their illicit “relationnship”.
BS, stand back, heal on your own (like real woman with self respect do instead of leaching on to whoever is weak enough to get manipulated) and while you are embarked your journey to wholeness and healing…. you will discover a secret that none of the two “luv leaches” have no clue about, which is, the gift of knowing that happiness, love, respect, admiration, pure honesty starts within and anpartner is just someone you wnat to share that with not a person who you “NEED”.
You will learn that any type attachment that only serves to satisfy your insecurities are toxic and you will run from such. This is what the AP and the WP are doing…. they are addicted to someone they percieve is the cure for their despest insecurrities. They are too weak to self reflect and find themselves… they prefer to run and hide from their pain and USE the AF as that cover up.
Its a matter of time for all to explode… but, while they were wasting their time playing hide and seek in a house made of quicksand, you, the BS have already built a building of self love, emotional maturity and boundries that your spouse will have a whole life time to pass through.
The WS will be let with three options:
1) stay with affair partner and forever stay stagnant/imprisoned within their inability to face themselves. The affqir partner will live all their lives trying to bendsidways to please the WS, because they mnow deep down that if they fail, the WS will stray.
They need to prove to the whole world things were meant to be even if that means to fake it to the end.
2) leave the affair and face the consequences of all the pain and devestation of the illicit relationship..choose to work on the marriage.
3) or leave affair and divorce and do deep digging and self reflextion and mature or jump on the neck pity wagon (another temp relationship to cover the pain)
Whatever the outcome… one thing is for sure. A persons conscious is a powerful thing…. and no matter how deep one wants to bury a wrong doing…. it will fester and explode when you least expect it.
Doing whats right is not usually what feels right… but, that is aomething only an unselfish and emotionally mature person would understand. It is of no use to explain this to someone who is in denial.
AMEIN! Best explanation ever! Right on the point! I have searched for an answere but this is the best one ever. My spouse is betraying me since a year after 20 years of marriage with an AP that is half his age. This shows how desperately he tries to fill his own emptiness inside. It just can’t work. I have forgiven him but his selfishness and wrong pride makes him think that he deserves his happiness by throwing his beautiful family and forgiving wife….because she was soooo imature to not have met HIS needs.
I met him when I was 14yrs old and he was 15yrs old, We lived on the same street. We started dating and broke up 2 years later. We were each others first everything, Love, intimacy and heartbreak. He started dating someone new while we were in school. We never contact each other again, but I never stop loving him. He got married to the girl he started dating after me and I moved on and married someone too. He has 3 kids and I have 2 and we are still married. We recently reconnected thru Linkedln after 24 years. He confessed that he has been looking for me and that he never stop loving me. We talked and continued to communicate for 2 months and finally met in person. We had an affair the first for both and we feel guilty. I am going thru a divorce and have been for the past 7 months. He says he has no issues at home and he has no excuse for doing this to her, other than the fact that he has always loved me and he is not in love with her. I am so confused, this man is the love of my life and I have never loved anyone the way I love him. We are in different states and have tried to stop communicating but we haven’t been able to. We are both Christians and this is really affecting us. But still can’t stop talking and can’t let go even though we know is wrong in God’s eyes.
Keep asking myself the same questions…. Why? Why did our paths meet again.
I don’t want to put his family in jeopardy.
I’m still in love with him with the same intensity I was when I was 15!
Simple….you still believe in a fantasy romance, like you once did as a teen. Real love is about commitment, sacrifice, loyalty… you are just focusing on a feeling you felt when you were a teen and think that this emotion is going to hold down a REAL relationship with this other man.
As a christain woman you claim to be, di you really think our Lord will bless you KNOWING you are only after a selfish desire to relive a moment when you were clearly immature in the first place. If you claim to be christain you MUST KNOW that you have already committed adultery with your thoughts. You already are laying out a smooth parh to your destruction, the other mans destruction AND innocent people along the way. If you decide to embark this journey to self mutilation and pay a price you never thought you could FOR LIFE, then buckle up tight…. because you are in for a long way down. Believe me when I tell you that nothing is ever blessed if it has stemmed from wrong. Whatever you think you need from this men… you should find within yourself first.
You both probably are just in the midst of a midlife crisis and are lost in your search for what ever it is you think will bring you happiness.
It a out that time to step back before you sign you soul for eternal regrets. Betrayal brings forward unimaginable pain for EVERYONE involved.
Hello.
I am at the end of my wit. My husband of 7 years, together for 10 and 4 beautiful children later, left me 5 months ago for a girl at his work… i have fought for him for 5 whole months but i cant anymore? I feel I should just go and file for divorce but cant get myself to the court?
He moved in with her after a month with his parents… but here is the run down. I had fallen into such a bad depression, that he would just walk past me and i would call him names… we werent sleeping together, we were living past each other and completely lost each other in the process… we were both in a very bad space in our lives. As my husband, i expected him to help me out of it, instead he leaves us ?
A month ago, he started feeling doubtful of what he had done, but never said he wanted to come home. Although he would say things like “even if i did come home”. I have since stopped asking him to come home, asked him to go get the divorce done if that is what his heart truly wants, and he still has not filed. I dont know what to do from here, where to go? I just want to have one conversation with him about us, just him and I, alone, with nothing and no one else involved…. His mother told me that he told her that he is happy because she makes him feel appreciated.
I dont allow the kids to go to their house at all, as I feel things could change at any minute and it would be unfair to confuse them anymore. (They are all under 8) So he just doesnt see them because he refuses to come to our home, because he knows and I know (he has admitted it) that he will fall back into comfort at our home and not want to leave.
PLEASE help, do I file for divorce knowing i do not want a divorce and deep down I know it is something he does not want either? Do i continue to fight for him to come home or even fight to have a conversation with him?
I am heartbroken, end of my string emotionally, and i just want it all over with.
Thank you
Do not fight for him. You wanting him is only pushing him further away. Trust me on this!! If you pretend that you don’t care and put distance between yourself and him, he will want you more! With an affair, the new love will get tired. Things will fall into a routine with the new female and she won’t be as fascinating anymore. He only knows if her what she has shown and once she gets comfortable with him I’m certain he’ll see a different person.
Forgot to add….affairs are normally good only in the dark! If he knows he has you to fall back on, there is no reason he will want nor need you. Once he sees you have moved on, he will more than likely want you more. Seriously believe me on this if nothing else.
A year ago I posted about not being able to leave a married man I was seeing for about a year. He is 37 and I am 24, and he has two kids. I am not proud of this but I am still in the same place. Time only made us closer and life without him seems unbearable every time I try it. I did not want him to leave his family, and my plan was to get to a place i could be friends with this man. He loves me and i love him, and 2 years i believe is enough time to figure out whether you love someone. However, I could not take all the hiding, lies and most importantly feeling like a second choice. We travelled a lot and spent a lot of time together and it felt like we were really together. I told him unless he comes clean to his wife about the affair I won’t see him again. He said he would, and would leave after to be with me. However, he kept postponing it to a point I could not stand it anymore. I stopped talking to him and told him not to contacting me unless he has come clean to his wife or I will tell her myself. He was not able to do it, but he came back to me asking to give him more time. We got in to a huge fight and I demanded he tells her or I will. He said I could call and tell her which I did while he was there, which to this day haunts me. This happened two months ago. He hopped she would kick him out that day he went home after finding out but, she insists they work it out. She started telling him she would move to a different state with their kids if he decides to leave her. He does not want to take the mother of his child to court, and tells me he is going to keep living at home to convince her to stay in town. He would do anything for his kids, and he says he can’t leave her like this cause she would leave with the kids. At the same time he says he can’t live without me and needs me to give him more time to convinced his wife to stay here. I am tired of waiting for him even if he tells me he is trying his best to move out and I don’t want to suggest he does anything. What do i do?
OK, so it’s been a year and, despite all his promises, nothing has changed. What does that tell you?
He’s stalling. And he will continue to say whatever it takes to keep you on the line.
The problem is, regardless of what he says, HE likes the arrangement as it stands. He has the comforts of wife and home life… and you on the side. Why would he want to give ANY of that up? Believe me, he won’t. I’m afraid there’s no happy ending here.
I know this is very painful for you, so I hope can you break free before you find yourself middle aged and still waiting for him. Summon your inner strength, girl–there’s an eligible single man out there waiting for you.
I’ve been in an affair with a married man for almost 2 years… He also has 2 children… I’ve never asked him to choose me over his family, and he’s never talked about it either. We’ve never said I love you, although I love him more (by far) then I’ve ever loved anyone… I’m not sure if he loves me. I go back and forth on that. I’ve decided to just keep it as it is, for now. I know he would never leave his family for me…. But I also know I will never love anyone anywhere close to the amount I love him. So I’ll just take what I can get.
It just amazes me how people let themselves get involved with someone who IS ALREADY INVOLVED and to just make things even more twisted, you still don’t get what you are doing wrong.
I will not sugar coat any of what I am about to share with you guys…. Ask yourself this VERY SIMPLE QUESTION…. if you were to marry this man you “so much love” and another woman comes along with the same entitlement you clearly posses of wanting to ” keep” your husband…. what exactly would you do?
Let me guess…. it not be something you would consider correct…. you would try to keep your family together at all cost, because you will understand that a family is SACRED and if there are children involved, it all becomes complicated… because, as a wife… you will not just be fighting for a man( like all mistress only care to see), but for a father…. for a husband.
See a mistress may feel that you love and the man will be better of with yoh and your world is all about him….. get this…. HE WAS NEVER YOURS TO START WITH.
You are so much in denial to think that you are the means to his happiness…. dont you see that he is a broken man that is using you to avoid facing himself… and what exactly do you think a married man is sullose to tell his mistress about his wife??? …. good things????… of course he wont sit down with you and tell you THE WHOLE STORY and of course you want to believe all he says to you, because its the only way to justify all the selfishness between two self obsorbed and broken people. How else is he going to get you to sleep with him???
Ask yourself what is it in YOU that feels like you are his hero and need to rescue a grown man…. what is it in you that thinks that you are “the one”…. what makes you feel entitled to another womans husband?… why have you settled for seconds? Why do you feel as if you are in a competition, when in reality he is still slipping in your pants because you fell his lies.
You might think you love him… when in reality you both are addicted to the illusion of your self created fantasy.
You fell in lo e with the thought of what you want him to be and choose to only see one side of the picture… the side that best accommodates you.
I am sorry to be so blunt, but the delusion and addiction is off the roof here. The wife is not your enemy… you are the intruder…. the husband is not
Your savior…. he is your jailer….. you lost yourself in a fantasy and have a hard time snapping out of it.
If I were you ladies… I would shake of the mess and find myself first… heal… and move on to someone WHO IS available.
Based on statistics alone…. affairs are based on lies, fantasy and manipulation….
Real love…MATURE LOVE, is never build on those weakness… even if he leaves her for you… you just ended with a mess you will never be able to fix.
I am in a similar situation and whatever is causing him to cheat on his wife will always be there …. unless he gets help…You are not that help…. your relationship is a symptom not a cure….
Both of you need to do a lot of self examination and healing and find out why you are doing this to other people and don’t care how badly his wife and children are being hurt… I know so many adults that are suffering because their parents were divorced when they were children… It is devastating to their spirits and who they are as humans…
And I know this from personal experience ….
I want to give you some advise. Please move on with your life. Is this married man, worth you burning eternally in HELL? Please think about your life and your salvation. We all will have to go before God, and when you do. Will you be willing to tell God that you loved a married man, more than you loved yourself and HIM?
Hi
Hopefully someone can help.
My husband been having a affair since last year. In februrary he left to move in a flat with his 17 years old son. Saying he need time apart to think. His OW moved in with him too unknow to me. She also apparently tjought i knew. Well he lived a double life for 6 months untill i pull the plug and contacted the OW. All his lies came up. But they decided to give a go.
Unknow to her he still texts me and call me. Also call me his best friend and soulmate. That he will fight for our friendship . We also have a 9 years old daughter.
He says he keeping those texts and calls a secret as she is not ready to accept our friendshio but once she is secure in their relationship he will tell her???
He also said she lied to me and agree those lies where nasty. Really why do u want to stay with someone nasty???
I could have been nasty to her but i choose not to. I am better than that.
Its like he doesnt want to let me go.
Also if he loves her why does he portrait her as nasty selfish and so on to me?? I would have thought he would portrait her as nice and understanding not the opposite???
He also admitted that him moving together with her straight away was more convenience at the time to do with finances. And if to do it again he wouldnt??? What does that mean???
I said to him that what he saying come across as he is trying to make out the best out of a wrong situation. He said yeah maybe but that is my mistake to make and to deal with.
So why all this?? Why keep hugging me kiss on cheek?? Why calling me is best friend and soulmate?? Why saying he will fight for friendship?? Why believe she will accept it?? I know she wont. Dont think any woman would as she doent trust him and wont trust fully ever again.
Why saying if she doesnt accept it well tuff on her or she accept or she can leave???? Really??? Who would say that??? Or are those just words?? And why saying that to me???
I just dont know what to do. Sometimes i do see his old self. Sometimes i see who he is with her and that is not a nice person. He is totally different when she is around. Even let her call him by his full name wich after 14 years together i never used as he always hated it but he let her?? Even so he told her he doesnt like being call that she still does which tell me she doesnt really care about his like and dislike?? Could be because his full name sound posher!!As she loves branded stuff and is all about apparences. Branded stuff he use to hate as to much look at me but wear now because she has been bying him all his clothes like what he had before is not good enough and lets erase it. Or erase who you were before.
I dont know what to think and what to do.
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Hi CONFUSED,
Again no cushion talk from my end here…after reading your situation, it was clear to me that boundaries are nonexistent here. You have basically placed aside your needs to “accommodate” the WANTS of your husband.
He is married to YOU, yet moved out to live with his mistress, BUT wants to keep you on the side line (just in case it does not work with his new toy) AND he does not want his mistress know that he still communicates with you, because she is “not ready” to accept such idea (maybe this is just a tactic to make you feel special).
You have just been placed on hold. He has completely reversed you role as a wife to the position of an “OTHER WOMAN” position. You are stuck on the need to me wanted by this man, that you have allowed to be pushed back and placed in the position of a mistress, while he has given the mistress the position of a wife.
There is so much wrong here.
You need to completely remove yourself from the equation here…there is no such thing as being friends with your husband while he is in an affair. When you remain in the picture, you are contributing to his mess by becoming an emotional rug that he knows will be there if things turn out bad with the mistress.
Snap that rug off his feet and let the mistress take all of him. Don’t think for a minute that in doing this he will forget you…on the contrary….time apart and no contact will force him to think more of you and compare what he thinks he wants with what he knew he had.
See, he is trying to keep both, but not give 100% to either of you. Step back and let her have him 100%…let REAL life kick in and what it does, you will see how things shift at a very different direction.
It is like a child who has just discovered a new toy and in time that toy will eventually become “that same old toy”. By then, he will have to either settle with this “new-old toy” or will want to go back to the “original toy”.
By then he will learn that changing spouse is not the solution, but changing himself is.
On the mean time…while he is playing house with fake barbie, you take that time to find yourself again. Build up your spirit, recreate yourself the way YOU always wanted to be and then you will decide whats best for you.
Do not give him or his mistress any head space, because in reality, they are just lost souls playing tug-of-war….in the end one will always hit face first in dirt and the other will drop back without nothing to hold on to.
Do you not see what just happened here?
You are in complete denial to the point where you are just focusing on one thing….and that is…the need to still feel wanted by this man…no matter where he places you in his life now.
You have just been lured into the position of “the other women” WHILE STILL BEING THE WIFE!!!!!!!!
You have allowed this man to reverse roles here like a king. He made his wife, his mistress and his mistress his wife- WITHOUT THE TITLE.
He is clearly playing emotional games…using your insecurities as the tool to lure you in his selfish ways.
He does not love neither one of you, he is strictly USING both of you for his personal needs. When secrecy is involved, there is a 100% chance that is the base line for manipulation, lies and control.
If you allow yourself to get pulled in and be placed in this twisted “friendzone”, still being his wife, then you are going to be there for life.
I have read nearly most of other posts and no one has come close to my story with advice or a solution I am in love with a man who has been married 63 years he loves me. For further past 30 years I am 70 we are not sexual but I look forward to our secret get together if he was. Free I would not marry him but I love him with a heartfull of love
Someone is in pain more then your feeling of happiness. Let the man alone.
I know this is an old post, however I can relate to this love between you, and this married man, My story….I’m 43 years old, and he is 60 we have been having an affair for the last 18 years at the beginning it was primitive, none of us expected anything else but an adventure… however that quickly changed, we realized we could not stay away from each other, it wasn’t just sex… Some Nights, or days we would just hold each other and cry, because believe it or not we felt guilty! We didn’t know how to stop! he’s a Physician, and I worked in Patient Care, so no matter what I would always run into him, even then, we couldn’t keep her eyes off of each other, my heart would pound and he would tell me later that his heart was pounding too…There was extreme passion. then after two years on Christmas Day he got on his knees and told me for the first time that he had fallen in Love with me, and I was able to tell him I felt the same way… once again we cried, he said what are we doing?! Honest to God throughout the years we have tried to stay away from each other, but now 18 years later he’s saying I swear by God I Love you more and more each day, some would say if he loves you why doesn’t he leave his wife? And I would say I haven’t ever asked him to, and I never would! she doesn’t deserve to be betrayed, however she also does not deserve to be abandoned, and yes there is more at stake if you were to do this, however I will continue to be with him, and love him until he says no more! and because I love him I will let him go when he is ready… he is a good man because if he wasn’t he would have abandoned his wife a long time ago… and even if it seems so wrong that we are continuing this affair after 18 years, in all honesty if I weren’t in his life he would been even more miserable, he talked about taking his own life several times before me, Believe it or not in some way I’m actually keeping him with his wife… for her it’s really just to portray an image..that’s really all she cares about, Not his Heart! His emotions! Or his true needs, she just wants the image of a perfect family! but when it comes to his Heart, I know I have it! she has what only matters to her! at this point the house, the money, ect… unfortunately some marriages end up this way cold towards one another just living a routine day in and day out, so a lot of women on here are complaining about being cheated on, and acting like we took your husband, that’s not always the case sometimes it’s just hard for you to admit that your marriage has been dead long before the affair.
My husband had affair with coworker 11 years younger then me. I knew something was going on but all he would say was I didn’t do anything wrong. This was his answer for 34 years. Who was he protecting. I have no one to talk to and in his words just let it go. He hasn’t answered many questions but volunteered that he went to her bed before going to work. The hurt is unbearable. I get sick on my stomach, lost 16 pounds in 4 months since he finally said there was something. He said it was a mid life crisis. I really don’t think I’m going to make it much longer. This is a man that no one would believe that he would do such a thing. Because of our age I really don’t have many if any options. We are to old for any intimacy even if he wanted to. I’m lost.
Betrayed, sorry for the delayed response. I’m so sorry for your pain. Unfortunately, the trauma of infidelity often causes an inability to eat and sleep, so please take care of yourself. See your doctor, tell him/her what’s going on so he can help with anti-depressant and/or anti-anxiety meds. Important to get tested for STD’s, as humiliating as that will likely feel.
I hope you will join our community and let us help you on our discussion forums, where you will find sympathetics folks who’ve been where you are. (How-to-register Link:
https://www.marriageadvocates.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php/ubb/newuser) You are not alone. Others have walked your path and healed, with or without marital recovery. You WILL get through this. Let us help.
Betrayed, I know exactly how you feel. My husband was having an affair and for the first 2 years I was oblivious. Then one after another family and friends asked me who was the woman who was always with him. I had noticed show tracked into the passenger side of the car over 2 winters but if I asked who had been in the car it was always nobody has been in the car. Finally he said in a nonchalant tone..oh, that would be Sue. So much circumstantial evidence he was having an affair but they would both say..oh, no. we are just very good friends. Those very good friends had an 8 year affair. Hot, wild, passionate sex. She was 15 years younger than me and 16 younger than my husband. Although I had suspected for 6 years, it sent me on a nosedive when he confessed. She has a very bad reputation but he defends her and says she’s a nice person. All the years he was with her he never wanted any intimacy with me. Not even a hug. It has killed my soul. He isn’t having sex with her naymore and tells me they broke it of 2 years ago but he never approached me during those 2 years either. It has destroyed me. He was 60 and she was 49 when it started. I see very little chance of having any kind of physical relationship now and am struggling emotionally. He was a barber and she was always at the shop. every day. sometimes all day. customers and people who worked in the area though she was his wife/partner. I am humiliated, crushed and angry. My brain never shuts up. It’s like thousands of arrows shooting in all directions. It is tough, betrayed. I get it. despite his long term affair, I want to try to salvage what we can. I agree, at my age, what can I do. On top of this, 3 months after he confessed he was diagnosed with esophageal can, had major surgery, lost 50 pounds and is trying to regain his strength. One thing after another.
Betrayed. I was wrong about their ages. She was 45 and he was 60.
Hello,
You will make it. You are not alone, you have God. Seek him and rest in his promises. You will make it through this. Your marriage will survive.
Well i was married for almost 15 years before my wife Cheated on me which she really turned out to be the Low Life Pathetic Loser that i never knew since i was the very Loyal one at the time which it Wasn’t good enough for her. I was a very Loving And Caring husband that treated her like a queen which i was very Committed to her as well and i even thought that i was going to have children with her which that Never happened at all. And now being Single And Alone again does really Suck for me knowing that i could grow old without meeting another woman that i can trust again since the Divorce Rate these days are very much out of control now Unfortunately.
I’ve been married for 15 years but have been together for 25. He has worked away from home a lot and I know he has had multiple flings. Usually that’s what they were because he would be moving on to another job. I began to realize on the last job since it was fairly long that something was out of the ordinary. He would avoid calls at time and say that he was out with the boys. Then always being on the phone texting when he did show up for a day here and there. He has recently came back home and I believe his side chick has found out he is married or maybe she already knew. But he seems to think things should go back to the way the always did.
I just don’t know if anyone has gone through this but I don’t feel anything anymore. its like that part of me has died. Can I ever get those feelings back?
Four years ago my husband left to move in with another woman–and up until that point I’d had no idea whatsoever he’d been cheating on me. We were married in 1993.
She left her husband too.
I firmly believe that marriage is UNTIL DEATH do you part, not divorce.
For several months there was this back-and-forth, he couldn’t decide if he wanted me or the OW. I was not about to file for divorce. I refused to. He wound up doing so months later. One hearing was continued because he was talking about reconciliation. Sad to say it went through a few years ago. After that we sat together on a bench and talked, and he was talking about possibly remarrying me, as strange as it sounds. He had also told me that the OW got him further into debt and he’s falling out of love with her.
Eight months after the divorce was final he married her. A mutual friend confirmed it–he never told me to my face. The OW thinks she’s entitled to him and views me as a threat–good!
Yes, I do want my husband back. If you divorce your spouse and marry another, it’s adultery. The vows they said do NOT supersede the vows my husband and I made to each other almost 23 years ago.
I do not pursue him. I don’t stalk or harass him. I only initiate contact if it has to do with visitation (we have a special-needs teenaged son who wants his father home). I’m nice and pleasant to him. From what I can see, and from what others have observed, the OW is rather controlling. She wants him to be nasty to me to discourage me, which he said he wouldn’t do because it’s not right. Two days before our final hearing, in fact, I asked him flat-out how he felt about me and he said he couldn’t say, she’d grill him and find out. He did say in a roundabout way that he still loves me.
I am not free to find anyone else. The Bible says that a woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives–not until he bails. It’s not an easy road to take, but it’s the right one.
But see the craziness, though? That’s a major reason why I don’t initiate contact, even though he told me after it was final that communication is open. I’m staying off the rollercoaster.
God has given me peace through all this. My in-laws have said that they can tell that my husband is not happy (I do not believe there is any such thing as an “ex” spouse). They still consider me family, and I think they consider the OW as an interloper–which she is.
If you ask me what happens if my husband doesn’t come back, I’ll tell you what I told my husband. One of two things will happen: either we’ll reconcile or I’ll stay “single.” I am leaving the door open for reconciliation. Remarriage of either spouse does NOT close the door to reconciliation. His marriage to the OW is not legitimate in God’s sight. Believe me, I have studied about this to figure out what my options are. I am on the right road.
The bible also says that is the mate departs, let them depart for God has called you to peace. Is your husband a believer or unbeliever?
Baby he has moved on and i think you should also. He is married now! You have to face the reality of it. He just don’t want to hurt your feelings sounds like to me. She has his heart currently so you need to move on and not wait on him bc even if him and the ow don’t work doesn’t mean he wants you bc if he did he wouldn’t have never married her. That tells you a lot right there. That was his choice so it’s time you let that go and find you someone who loves you or just be single.
If it’s meant to be it will be, but I wouldn’t waist my time waiting on him. Have faith, wait on God he will provide what’s best for you! Never let what you feel make you forget what’s real. Facts over feelings. Don’t let your emotions overpower you intelligence! Think about it He’s married now….
My story is very similar to yours and I hold to the same bblical stance. Where are you now?
Continue to stand on the word of God. Do not listen to anyone else. If God has called you to stand for your marriage, then stand for your marriage. You don’t have to explain to the WORLD absolutely NOTHING…
I had been together with my husband for 19 years with 3 kids when he started making comments about my weight. I was working night shift at the time (very bad shift for your health and relationships ) and I had gained some weight but I kept those hours because it worked around his schedule. When I found out he was having an affair. It was a very rocky and dramatic road but he swears the relationship is over but they are still friends. It has been 2 years now and he dosnt act the way he was during the affair but I know she still calls him and him her and he has told me they click in a different way. They grew up with a very similar in the same area. Sometimes I don’t know what to do. I know he loves me and we have been through so much together but should I accept their friendship? If I don’t it may mean our separation. But if I accept it, will it mean I am accepting an emotional affair or a deep friendship. I am confused and anxious. Any advice?
Loraine,
Thank you so much for that! Despite how much I wanted us to stay friends I thought it would be wrong but I would regret it if i don try, especially if there is people out there who are able to do it.
Adam, I can’t believe you mentioned suicide and no I have never thought of it. I know what i did is wrong whether you look at it from a religious or any angle but it is very insensitive to put that in your comment.
You are not alone in what you feel.
I’ve been in this situation for over five years. Ours was a very deep emotional affair with only 3/4 periods of intense physical interactions which slowed down when one spouse became suspicious. We’ve been there for each other every day in constant contact. We connected on so many levels it was unbelievable. The fact that we were bonded emotionally meant we couldn’t move past it,or let it fizzle out.
I had many times when I was in turmoil be cause I kept being told his marriage was devoid, but he just couldn’t leave. I loved him so much it hurt to be away from him, and I still do.
When things should have got better for us, they didn’t and although he kept up the same contact, saying the same time things to me, meeting me, all with the same intensity, I began to feel we were stuck in a vortex and told him so.
Then he was found out a few days later and I was thrown into hell.
Along with lots of confusing messages, I left it a week before confessing to my spouse. If nothing else, I wanted him to hear it from only me.
I suppose I thought I’d be running off into the sunset, two spouses who apparently had no marriages worth saving, and two people who’d each found the love of their lives? But no, I was left confused, waiting for contact, having to sort my own mess out at home, and in total agony.
I was slandered, all the blame lay with me on his side, all the usual home wrecker accusations and I almost had a breakdown. He’d told her we’d had a short physical fling and had not seen each other for months, played me down as now being just a friend because he’d wanted to work on things with her.
I will never get over that. We’d had many discussions where I’d said I’d understand if that’s what he wanted to do, he always said he didn’t because it was me he loved. He still kept seeing me, calling me etc. I was devastated and knew I had to end it. I couldn’t have him returning after it settled down like nothing happened, not after he’d allowed her to think that way about me whatever his reasons were.
Not a day has gone by when he isn’t on my mind, all that time, just to be dismissed without even an explanation.
I’m having to think of it as though he passed away, that is how it feels, and I’m also trying to come to terms with the fact that I should have ended it many times before.
Maybe if it had just been physical it would have been easier, but that it was always deeply emotional hurts like hell, a promise of forever love all gone.
I think he needed to know we could be friends after D day, but I could never have been just his friend, and although it was me who ended it I don’t think it will ever be over in my heart.
Just too long and too deep to let go of instantly, but I do hope I can move on and one day only remember the nicest times.
I won’t ever allow myself to feel love like this again.
I have never posted anything online before, but I had to tell this story somehow because i am in a serious need of help. I am 23 and i have been having an affair with a married man who is 35 years old for about a year and a half now. He has been married for 5 years but been with his wife for 15, and has two kids. We met at a bar and it was an instant attraction. He felt very familiar, and we talked for a few weeks before he told me he was married. He always said he doesn’t want to hurt me but would like us to be friends. but it was always more than friendship, we have this crazy chemistry and before we know it we were seeing each other every chance we get and texting constantly. He is very persistent, which I grew to like and always made me stay. i always felt bad about the whole thing, i am from a family that puts a huge value into marriage and never imagined i would be doing what I am doing. He says he is happy with his life and he loves his wife, and would never leave her, which i don’t want him to do. He also says he loves me and has never felt the way he feels when he is with me with anyone else. We tried so many times to stop, I blocked his number, travelled abroad for a few months and told him to leave me alone several times. But a year and a half later, after several attempts to stop we are still texting everyday, all day, and meeting up every chance we get. He has become my best friend and i have become very attached. But every time i think about his wife and his kids i feel sick to my stomach. His wife has no idea and he would never tell her. I love this man, and i know he loves me. I don’t want him to leave his family, but i don’t think i can live without him. i have completely forgotten who i was, and what i did before i met him and can not imagine not having him in my life. If we cut out all the physical stuff, could i be friends with this man?
Hi Anna – First, thank you for sharing. I can feel in your post your raw honesty and desperation. Second, you need to know you’re not alone. Others are out there going through what you are – the difficult part is finding them and using them for support. I think the most important thing for people like us is to know we are not alone in our situation. I hope you have a couple of confidants you can talk to as you work your way through this. I am sure you have thought of everything by now and you know that this affair is not going to end well in any scenario… someone(s) is going to get hurt bad. I completely appreciate the love you feel for this man and the love he feels for you and how nearly impossible it is to stop seeing each other. We are truly fortunate when we run into someone on this earth that we click with right off the bat and have soul mate like chemistry with. I would guess that you have probably even started thinking about suicide at this point thinking that is the one option that would make this all go away. There has to be another way. I don’t know if you are religious, but I encourage you to pray. Praying for me is like dreaming… it reveals subtle yet very important insights that give us peace and help us through the most difficult times. Also, priests can be excellent resources (especially the older wiser ones) because they probably have heard and worked through with people situations similar to yours. If all this religious talk is making you sick – I understand – it has helped me but I realize it’s not for everyone. The toughest pill for you to swallow is realizing, using critical thinking that this affair can only go on if he chooses to leave his wife for you. It can be done… he needs to do it or you two should be honest with each other and simple accept the pain (the very very hard pain) of knowing it is best that you are not together. One way or another this is going to end… women and wives are very smart and they pick up one the most simple of differences in behavior and investigate them. His wife will find out and that will end things and a lot of people will get hurt. If he does not have the courage to end things with his wife and choose you – then she will do it. He is the one that has to make decisions too – not just you. You’re not married right? Hang in there. I will pray for you – know that you’re not alone OK?
Hi Anna,
I stumbled on this website and felt like I was reading my story when I read yours. I was in your exact position 5 ½ years ago with a great man that I knew loved me and cared about me but was married with kids. He gave me many reasons why he wouldn’t be able to leave his wife and be with me. I first got mad at him but I came to realize I wouldn’t be happy if I made him break his family and start new life. But despite all that we are now great friends. To answer your question, YES you can absolutely be good friends with this man. It might seem weird in the begging but it works it self out. Him and I now have great relationship. I am in a relationship and he is still with his family but we talk often. He understands me on a different level. I am very grateful that I didn’t remove him completely from my life. Ignore all the noise you are getting from some of the posting on here and go with your heart. You don’t want to look back and regret it. I recommend that you stay friends (at least try) because it’s really hard to find a person that understands you well in this world. Good luck!
Anna,
You have an interesting approach to this whole thing. Most people would want the person to leave their significant other to be with them. I like how you care about this person and to a certain extend and respect the other side as well. I agree with Loraine and Adam. Prayer is a strong method for overcoming issues. But like Loraine said you should totally try to remain friend and cut out the funny business. Especially if you really think of the person the way you describe him. I am normally against this proposition but I think it can work if you both are willing to try. Keep us updated.
I think you are both a disgrace! Why someone would think its ok to be sexually involved with someone’s husband and father is so disturbing! And what type of man disrespects his children’s mother this way! He sounds like a big coward! I can guarantee his wife is better than both of your pathetic selves!! I hope she does find out so she can move on with her life with a real man. One thing I can promise you, until you decide to live life right, nothing good will ever happen to you! Karma is a bitch!
Get out of this now. You are 23 and have plenty of time to get over it. Implement no contact and distract yourself from thinking of him at all. He is married and has two children, who will hate you for the rest of your life if you destroy that marriage. My husband of 21 years (been together for 23) has recently become limerent in an older, dominating woman. I have a daughter with three diagnosis and I moved from Tennessee to Sweden to be with him. She has pushed him to filing for divorce and selling our house. On July 1, my children and I will have no home, but he will be living with the other woman. Limerence puts a man in no-think mode. Once he dies, he will hate her for making him do this to his family. No more married men. It will end badly for you, him, and his family.
Hello, Anna,
This does not mean I’m ok. I hurt, bleed every day wanting the love of my life by my side, hate every morning because this all is not a dream but i never feel i lost him, he comes back to me every night and the feeling of loneliness in unbearable even when he hugs me and even when we have the best sex he have ever had before. She does not know about any of this. He does not tell her the detailed nature of our relationships.. well she never asks as far as I know and I guess for it not to be the reason of break up an go through that thing they have as it is.. Whatever.. all i am trying to tell you is that i do not think you know what they have. You will never know. When i talked to her she told me that we do not have what they do and he loves me only as a mother of his children and respects me as a woman and that our marriage is over.. this is how she sees it.. i said nothing.. I know more than she thinks I do.. after all I read their texts every time I need to.. Sometimes it helps me see how “not himself” he is with her and it’s just that curiosity you have when cheated.. you want, simply need to know all details and just not to get crazy about it he gave me all the access to anything.. Guys at your age the world seems too simple to you.. Everything is much more complicated.. a couple who has a story of going through tough times (which is impossible not to have if you raise children together), lots of dramatic moments you may even not know about, and the love story itself, which made them a man and a wife is not just “marriage”, it is way deeper than you can understand from where you are right now. I can understand that you seem to be in love.. Everybody feels like that but trust me, breaking someone’s life cannot be the part of being happy. You are very young and will get over this soon.. You will meet a person who is going to give you all the love you need and make you fall crazy in love with him.. i guess you will go through what i and that woman are going through someday, because as it seems everybody does eventually.. If this happened to my husband and me it can happen to anyone.. Just do not blame yourself, it’s just feelings after all, you cannot control them but you can make right decisions.. Try to walk in the wife’s shoes. I hope you will never have to wear the same ones one day. Nobody becomes a wife not loving a man and being a wife means giving your life, all of you to a person you love. Trust me there is no more pain i have ever experienced in my life and there’s been a lot, i lost my closest people but what i constantly feel now is nothing that can be explained in words.. what we, wives do, is keep loving our husbands, confused and lost ones, let ourselves hurt, bleed and choke breathless every day but still stand there hoping that this affair will “wax and wane over time” as the article says and our love story will have new, fresh and cleaned pages through all this pain and lessons this kind of situations teach people. I hope you will get over this someday soon and not hate yourself. It’s not your fault! Life happens 
Take care 
This is my first time ever posting anything online too but i could not leave this without reply. I read you post and had the feeling that is my husband’s mistress writing. Everything sounds so similar.. even your age. except some facts: she knew he was married with 2 kids from the very beginning, they met on a business trip, we have been married for 10 years and together for 12, he told me everything ‘cos he could not stand lying to me anymore and, i do not know if this one matches with you but she is a virgin and they do not have sex. It means a lot to me to see things from your perspective because i have known it for a month and i steel cannot understand the nature of this kind of things happening. Their story is on for almost two years and he has been telling her the same things but the moment we spoke about it, everything crashed, i died, the world has lost its meaning but we both started to realize how much we were connected and it is impossible for us to loose what we have. I do not thing you can understand how deep is the connection between a man and a wife who are in love. I even called her and wish her well because i let him go. He refuses to leave even for a day. I even started to tell him that i don’t love him anymore to push him away and set him free but it almost killed him. So, long story short, we decided to go through this because we love each other more that it ever seemed possible for both of us. He keeps seeing her every day to experience all the things with her not to crave in case the break up. I know this must be really hard to understand as much as it is hard to explain but i understand it. He says that i am the love of his live and he will die if there is even a day without me in his life.. and i trust him, because i know when he lies
No. You can’t pretend be “just friends”. If you try to pretend to be just a friend when you actually both want each other all the time, the frustration and pain won’t outweigh whatever sense of validation you get from knowing he can’t live without you in his life. You were never a part of his “real life”, no matter how much it may have felt like it. It will keep you from moving on and finding an awesome, available, wonderful man who doesn’t have a wife and kids keeping him from loving you the way you deserve, the way you should expect to be loved (completely and with no barriers or betrayals involved). Please don’t fool yourself about this. It’s such a waste of lifetime.
Adultery is Adultery..this man is married to another woman. Please move on with your life. He is someone else’s husband. God did not send you a married man. You are missing your blessing by being with a married man. Move on with your life.
I am having an affair with a married man now for 3 months and we are absolutely head over heels in love. He is a kind hearted, sensitive man and a wonderful lover. He has been married to a woman for ten years, and it seems he primarily married her to immigrate to Canada escaping a hard life in the Caribbean. She is turning 70 (and looks it), he is an athletic 60 year old who looks 40, and is such a hard worker making a decent living (so not financially dependent upon her). He has been unhappy in his marriage for five of the 10 years they have been together. They sleep in separate quarters (no sex) and her cell phone/computer and Buddhist leader activities are more important than him (he says she is always counselling someone over the phone, seldom talks to him, so she is neglectful). You would think she would have the skills to realize that she is making her spouse very unhappy and unappreciated. They have no children together. We had met and there was an instant soulful connection and chemistry, the sex and affection we share is amazing. I give him the undivided attention he craves. We have many shared interests. He makes time to see me every Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Sat nights – so apparently his wife doesn’t care, if you’re spouse is gone from 5 pm until after 3 am without consequence most of the week then she obviously knows. Either that or she is turning a blind eye hoping that he will tire of me (no chance). We are soul mates and he is already planning on being with me by this summer, though we both know it will be a challenge (he is mainly worried about his Buddhist congregation what they will think of him, she is a leader in the city, and this is the main reason he had tried to stick it out in this unhappy relationship). However his love for me is so strong that he is now willing to take the step to leave his situation to live a better life with a more suitable partner. From my perspective, I am a attractive fit 50 year old Native Canadian woman who has never been involved in an affair before. No other man have ever treated me like a queen – cooking for me, giving me gifts and money, fixing things around my house. Every Monday morning he picks me up and drives me to work, just to start his week out with a positive note he says. So many stats say that affairs do not work out, but are they believable? I know of many people who have been married for years now with their affair partner, it was the right decision in their lives. Yes affairs can be destructive if you have young kids involved, but this isn’t my situation and I don’t feel an ounce of guilt.
Well, you SHOULD feel guilt. Children or not, affairs are destructive. If he truly wasn’t happy with his wife why did he not take action sooner, why didn’t he talk to her? End things before getting involved with you.
You sound like my wife’s new partyner – totally deluded that you’re doing the right thing, totally without remorse for the devastation you’re leaving behind – likely because you don’t have to deal with it – when the fog wears off and the ‘relationship’ stops being exciting – we’ll see where you are then.
Baron, not buying your argument, just because your situation ended badly and you are bitter, doesn’t mean that anyone else who have met positive people who enhance their lives are destined to the doom and gloom perspective you seem to perpetuate. The only destructive thing about my affair is that a marriage that was doomed from the beginning is finally ending, with only one person who should be rightfully remorseful – his wife who should have loved him enough to make him happy. He did try to talk to her, and she literally shut him out (of the bedroom, out of meaningful conversation). As a so called “leader” in their sect, she also should have been able to initiate a conversation regarding something that worked for both of them in the marriage, not selfishly neglecting/rejecting him because she no longer desired his company. After five years of enduring this loveless relationship, he finally is making steps to make a better life for himself, and I am helping him. We are soulmates who have finally found each other and our love is true, we have discussed in detail the logistics of his moving on and in with me, and there will be of course challenges, like all relationships. As for the excitement fading, this is true of any new relationship regardless of how it began.
You are truly a Winged Unicorn. The vast majority of affairs are destructive. With that said, there are a handful that turn into meaningful relationships, albeit rare. I just follow the rule of natural law that wrong decisions yield wrong answers. Your married man is having his cake and eating it too. I know because I tried that. I ended up hurting both women in my life. After the affair ended, my AP was broken up beyond belief and I lived in hell for years pining over her while dealing with the consequences. I once believed as you do now, that I could have it all. The Universe doesn’t work that way.
Hi – I am of a different opinion than the others. I think that you being in this affair is not nearly as bad as the ones where the married partners still want to stay together and have kids. From what you have described, it sounds like his wife probably knows and does not care. I always think about the consequences if an affair is found out, and from what you’re saying it does not sound like the consequences would be that bad. Yes, his wife would be a bit hurt but she is living in La La Land if she has not realized already that her husband is having an affair or their marriage situation (separate beds, no sex, and him being away so much and her not caring) is ripe for an affair. I say continue on as you are, enjoy this man, enjoy the fruit of love, and when your ready ask him to leave his wife and join you if that is what you want.
Adam,
I see it in an entirely different way. The other man’s marriage might be in bad shape. It might be a marriage in name only but it is still a marriage. If it is so awful that only having sex with someone else seems reasonable, why not just end the marriage and begin with the new partner?
That’s actually a rhetorical question. You see, the reality is that the marriage is still functioning, just not in the bedroom. If it had nothing holding it together, he would have left before finding a new sex partner. So the affair isn’t really about his terrible marriage. It’s about what he gets from the affair.
He still gets enough of why he married his wife in the first place that he isn’t willing to leave her or he would be gone, divorced and free to begin a relationship with anyone he chooses.
The flip side of that is the affair gives him something that is missing from his marriage. This means that his marriage, still too valuable to let go, remains functional because he is getting the sex in the affair. The affair, great sex but not enough to leave his marriage for, lets him stay married while getting sex without having to fix the problems in his marriage while deluding himself that he is staying loyal to his commitment.
If a marriage is so bad it has to be left, then leave it. If it still has enough value to hang onto, then keep it and look for ways to make it better. Don’t confuse getting the part that is missing in your marriage from an affair with the affair being more valuable than the marriage. The affair actually damages the connection and intimacy between the spouses while avoiding any work to address unmet needs or missing pieces.
Despite the naysayers, my man has since told his ex he is leaving her by the end of Feb, she accepts it and is helping him with moving arrangements. As I had said she had initiated this split years before I came into the picture, and they had talked about him moving out before I met him. She also wants to meet his new girlfriend (which is weird) In my opinion there is really no need for me to meet this woman, I would only be open to this if they had kids together (which makes sense). He is fully committed to having a future with me and we are a very happy, soul mate match.
How much of all this is fact, and how much is just what he’s told you to justify his affair?
The very fact that he’s gotten involved with another woman behind his wifes back should set off warning bells that he’s not at all trustworthy.
It’s the end of Feb now. Has he left her? Or has he made an excuse to delay things even longer?
He has moved out this past wknd, and we set up his new digs. Celebrated with a romantic bajan style dinner he cooked. Happy and in love, together forever
Since most romantic relationships, including his marriage, begin as “forever” and “till death” deals, I’m afraid that it is at least a bit premature to claim forever as where you have arrived.
Would it be possible for you to check back in here a year from now? Two years from now? Five years from now?
I’m not going to tell you that you won’t be together forever but statistically speaking, if you make five years you will already be an outlier.
thanks for all your comments – I was trying to show a positive outcome from my personal perspective, while continually deflecting negative comments which insinuate that my relationship is destined to fail. Like any relationship there will be challenges, but I am very hopeful that we have found forever true love with each other, since we have taken positive steps towards our future together. I hope that those that have had negative experiences with infidelity will move on in their lives and out of unhappy marriages to find someone who is worth sharing their life with. I know my love did exactly this and is happier for it. I am blessed
Clearly, you haven’t been in an affair before but you are 50 years old so I’m going to need you to be a bit wiser. His side of their story is so generic, meaning it fits in with what cheating men tell the other woman (ow). That’s who you are, not the queen. He is a husband, someone else’s, so he knows what to do for a woman. Cheaters are masters at the art of seduction. You don’t really know him but she does. In three months time a man is not showing you who he is; he’s showing you who he has practiced being. Anyone can be ‘head over heels in love’ when limited to four nights per week for a shift of hours. All you’re doing is making her marriage more manageable. Until he marries you to get you into the country, then you don’t have the level of commitment and sacrifice he was willing to give this woman. He is deeply infatuated with you and will tell you whatever it takes to get what he wants out of the situation as cheaters do. How do you know how old the woman really is? How do you know what he tells her about his whereabouts? Consider that cheaters will lie and a liar will cheat. No judgment here but I just want you to be more rational about your situation given that you have known this person long enough to be so completely convinced of everything he says. He’s a pro and you are being an amateur. Be careful and guard your heart with your God-given mind: THINK!
To everyone having an affair, please take a look in the mirror and ask yourself some questions that might actually help:
If your spouse seems cold and unappreciative, seriously ask yourself. Do YOU really appreciate them and act warm toward them? If you feel like they don’t care about you. Do YOU really show that you care about them? Is it possible that your actions are negatively influencing the marriage too? When you have an affair, to alleviate the feeling of guilt, you have to place blame on your spouse for the state of the marriage. (ie. I’m a good person, my spouse is just not affectionate enough, so I need to have an affair. I wouldn’t do this if he or she was ______.) So, while claiming that your spouse’s behavior is influencing yours, you need to honestly consider that your behavior is also influencing theirs.
The problem with having an affair is that it solves nothing and makes the marriage even more toxic. It’s very likely that your spouse feels lonely and unhappy too. You two could work together to change that or you could let each other go. Either choice would be a better solution than infidelity. It is likely if your spouse catches you that you will not have a choice in the matter of being let go. It is also highly likely that the affair relationship will destruct. Everyone thinks their relationship is special, but only 1-5% of marriages began from an affair make it. Who is to say that all of those people are even happy. It is not uncommon for people who have affairs to simply find themselves alone after being dumped by two people.
So, ask yourself: Is this really worth it? Is there maybe a better solution?
I hope for your own sake, you really think about this.
Janna,
In the case of my wife, she’s been getting ill from stress. Spending more and more time at my house and trying to force people to accept her new partner any way she can.
Everyone who knows her can see she’s more stressed than she ever has been in her life and is doing ridiculous things that seem designed just to prove a point to everyone, and herself (like getting engaged to the guy 2 weeks after moving in with him) it’s clear to everyone that she’s unhappy with her decision but is too proud to admit it and will stick it out to save face – hence she’s forcing the relationship onward just to make a point.
Janna, I have heard a different stat, that 25 percent of affairs are successful, so not sure why you keep quoting 1-5 percent numbers. I know of many couples who left their marriages and are now together for decades. Most marriages are doomed to fail from the start anyway (including marriages born of affairs), and a high number of young people are choosing not to marry at all. Most will not remain with a spouse like they did in the past (like so many, mainly long suffering wives who didn’t have financial independence or because of outdated religious ideals). They will move on if unhappy, with or without another partner. While it’s sad if young kids are affected, there are so many kids with divorced parents regardless, that it is hardly significant if the parent left because of an affair or because of other reasons. People have a choice nowadays, which is a good thing. No one should ever be stuck in a unhappy marriage, if they can be happier with someone else
I don’t respond much to the comments here any more but your statistic of 25 % of affairs being successful makes me wonder where such a number comes from. It might be that different sites spin the statistics differently in some cases in an effort to support a predetermined point of view. Often terms can be tightly defined in a way as to narrowly classify what “successful” might mean, but only one stat pertaining to 25% of affairs comes to mind right now.
The only 25 % I have encountered regarding affairs becoming successful long term relationships, is that about 25 % of marriages born of an affair remain successful long term relationships. What should make that number terrifying to anyone contemplating ending a long term marriage to pursue a relationship with an affair partner is that only about 3 % of affairs end in marriage. So, 25 % of marriages that began as an affair end in happy and relatively healthy relationships over the long haul but that is 25 % of 3 % of all affairs. If you look carefully at that you will realize that it actually suggests that 3/4 of 1 % of affairs result in long term satisfying marriage.
So, as it applies to all affairs ranging from a one night stand to a decades long love affair, less than one percent will end up happily ever after.
I have no idea if you have registered for our forum but even if you don’t register you should spend a little time reading some of the stories of people who have been involved in affairs both as the unfaithful the betrayed spouse.
I can also tell you that of all the things I have learned in recent years is that happiness, like any emotional response, is at best fleeting and temporal.
The late Peggy Vaughan did a bit of research and published the results in a book called Help for Therapists and their Clients. You can download a copy of it for free in PDF format from her website at http://www.dearpeggy.com. One thing that jumped right out at me the first time I read it was that it is statistically more likely that a person having an affair will, in five years, report being in a happy and strongly committed relationship with his or her original spouse than to even remain in an active relationship with the affair partner.
You see, happiness is a temporary condition, as is unhappiness. Leaving an abusive relationship for personal safety aside, perpetual bliss is not attainable and the best long term relationships are those in which both partners are willing to invest time and effort into caring for each other and commit, not to sticking it out in an unhappy marriage but commit to finding a way to make the marriage a happy one for both spouses.
Totally agree with your comments, it takes 2 people in a relationship and not 3, work on the problems together and work on yourself. Affairs are the most destructive thing that someone can do to someone, and I always think that what goes around comes around, affairs are usually conducted by people who have no self respect or self esteem and certainly no morals.
I agree with a lot of your perspective, however the reality is that affairs do happen for various reasons. We ALL agree that they are wrong even when they feel so right (pardon the cliche). Affairs are not the solution but people aren’t always in a position of strength or judgment to find or actively implement the correct solutions. The condition of being human makes us fallible to life’s challenges. We have opportunities to grow, correct and move on. The pain is inescapable and some people are bound to learn the hard way just like children. Some children can be redirected easily and some children have to touch a heater to know what ‘hot’ will do for you. People get their needs met in the way they know how or in the way that is most comfortable. There are people who are evolved to a higher moral compass so they overcome temptations more easily than people who only have or subscribe to base instincts. One need can override another. If someone is starved for understanding, attention and affection then an involvement with someone who provides those things may override a painful, moral position. So for the time being the person is willing to make the wrong move until either the original situation is corrected or until the destruction you spoke about occurs. There is righteous then there is self-righteous – we all have strengths and weaknesses but we love to harp on people who have weaknesses that we do not have. God will judge each and every one of us all on His own. I don’t remember Him deputizing anyone to help Him out with that since ALL have fallen short of the glory of God and our righteousness is as filthy rags to Him. But you do have a good point.
People keeps cosigning adultery all you want. If someone is married you do not get into a relationship with them..(period).
I stumbled on this site trying to break off an AFFAIR of more than 3 years. We met as teenagers. I never believed in love first site but it was when we met. Obviously it was short lived being that we were in our teens, however, we reunited summer going into my 1st year of college and had a 3 yr relationship during college years, in which I thought would lead to marriage. We split, moved on and eventually we both ended up in different states from the state we’re from. We have reconnected through certain significant life events that brought us back to our home town…and after a few meetings, innocent meetings for a few years has led to a full fledge affair in the past 3. I am single after many years of marriage, he is not married but has been in relationship by default due fathering a child & feels obligated to stay in a situation because of this child. I commend him for being in his child’s life because we know there are too many who are fatherless. We both justify this affair…ei: first love, college love, and always felt like we belonged together but the timing of life didn’t allow it back then. The guilt has plagued me during these 3 years and I end it to find myself back into it again and again. It has kept me from being able to date anyone else. I don’t know if he will ever leave his situation. We avoid making promises because we know that anything can happen in life. I don’t want to waste my life waiting for something that may never happen but I struggle with the idea of closing the door on this person/relationship. We’ve known each since we were teens (more than 30 years) and it’s hard to imagine not having him in my life. I keep passing up opportunities to be with another because of my constant feelings of guilt of not being true to someone else because of this person occupying my heart and mind 24/7.
I feel bad for the woman he is with–I put myself in her shoes as one who has never won his heart but only there by default. Nevertheless, they are a family and parent a child who is now a teen. It’s complicated and I want badly to have the strength to END it and move on without HURTING so bad. Every time I think I can do it, I back out and here we are 3 years later.
I have been in that position before – more than once. A couple of things….
Relationships are difficult to undo and it takes an extraordinary amount of time especially for people who are either committed or used to having cake and eating it to. He has become accustomed to have this set up. He has a bond with the mother of his child that extends beyond parenting because a child does not not not float a relationship. He is comfortable with her – that is his woman. The nostalgia of your relationship with him is just that – nostalgia and that is essentially all you are getting out of it. You have made that nostalgia all important and committed yourself to a fraction of a relationship (a bond).
If that’s all you want then the relationship is perfect as-is. You don’t have to feel sorry for her because she has a life with him – you called it a family. She has the commitment, the shared public space and time with him and she is not holding a gun to his head to have it. Your relationship is tangential in his life. You are important to him and he is important to you – nothing wrong with that. Do you want a full relationship? a commitment? a life with a man? Then you have to reconcile yourself to the fact that an affair will not provide that or else it isn’t an affair. He’s who you want but he isn’t available. You are wrapped up in someone who cannot wrap up in you outside of words only. His real life obligation is to her and his child. Do not believe that she doesn’t have his heart. Men can love different women in different ways. He has had the space to do that. You have not given yourself the genuine opportunity to let someone else have that space without comparing. You cannot look for him when you are dating. You have to realize that what you want doesn’t include him. Longing after someone who you cannot have in real life is that ole tragic, tired love story we like to tell ourselves because we don’t have the courage to love ourselves enough to be comfortable alone until who we truly deserve comes into our lives. You are cock blocking yourself. Keep the nostalgia but let go of the fantasy and grab hold to your own reality if you believe your deserve it.
I am single and I’ve been in a relationship with a married woman for 20 years. I have no doubt that she will never leave her husband and every time I try to end it she goes completely psycho. It used to nag her constantly about getting a divorce but there was always some reason why she couldn’t. I pretty much want out but she just won’t ever leave me alone. Anyone ever heard of an affair as long as this one and have advise on how to end it? I feel like this has been a huge waste of 20 years and has pretty much ruined my life. I have no hope of ever finding my own wife and building a family at my age and that is making me bitter.
what you and her have been doing is very wrong, morally and biblically, you sould end it as soon as possible and repent along with confessing your sins.
You Sir are a dirtbag!!!! You need to leave this woman alone and her family. If she ever had wanted or needed to be with you and only you she would have left a long time ago. She is having her cake and eating it too, and you sir are helping her. She is manipulating and screwing with both of you, except You are not her husband! You ruined your own life! You knew exactly what you were doing and it was all fine with you until you wanted out and now she wont leave you alone?! Work as hard at getting rid of her as you did trying to get her into bed and carrying on an affair for 20 years and you should be fine!
I am sorry for what you are going through. I am not going to call you names because you are a human being with feelings and who deserves compassion for the pain you are feeling. All judgment aside. Who am I to judge? I am having an affair with a married man for 2 1/2 years. He is older and married 25 years. I am a single woman. I did not seek it out but we just felt this instant connection from the start and I was vulnerable too as I had just broken up with another man at the time. This man was there to pick up the pieces and make me feel whole again… wanted, cherished, beautiful, like I mattered. So many will say he preyed on my vulnerability but he didn’t. He could not do a thing without my permission and willingness to get involved with him. He was such a charmer. Not great looking but he just had an “it” factor for me. His wisdom and experience and caring for me like a daughter made me feel safe and protected. I guess I liked that. Still do. He is like my calm in the storm. Affairs are an addiction. We stay as long as we do not necessarily because we love that person. But because we are dependent on that person. It is a co-dependent type of relationship. It is as if both parties can try and try again yet fail and fail again to break apart because deep down they know it’s the right thing. But the problem is they need the “hit” of the other person, they depend upon it, especially if they have been with their affair partner for a long time, to feel whole, alive, to feel good about themselves. That other person but more so the feelings the other person elicits in you is what keeps you from going off the edge. Healthy people do not enter affairs. People who have demons, deficiencies, who are seeking escape, who are unhappy, who cannot cope with real life are looking to self medicate. What better way to do that than an affair? Where every time you are together you feel euphoric. It is like the hit of that drug is all you need to go on with your day, your week, your life, so that you are able to cope. It is your security blanket. Your happy place. Your coping mechanism. Clearly your affair partner is unhappy and you are her happy place. Despite having a husband and family herself, she fears falling apart without you. You are medicating her. Keeping her afloat. Keeping her from sinking. You are her life preserver. Her anchor. Do you see this? That is why she is going insane when you try to leave her. She is terrified of being without you. You are a hard habit to break. As I am sure she is too at this point. It is like damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Between a rock and a hard place. Either way, the decision you make will hurt you. Staying together hurts. Leaving one another will hurt. Which hurts less? Staying together. So that is why it continues for this long. It is an addictive and abusive relationship on many levels. To actually get out will require some serious therapy and will power. As in no contact forever and you will be depressed for a long, long time trying to deal with the emptiness and aloneness you will feel after losing your JOY in life. That person who brought you joy. So if you decide you need to move on and you will be happier without them, you are going to have to suffer a little or a lot is more likely. But you have to make that decision to leave and never look back. It is drastic but the only way to end it forever. She will suffer. More than you will ever know. And it hurts you I am sure to be the cause of such deep suffering. But eventually, you will get over it. And life will go on….
The way she is treating you sucks, but you did have a role to play in getting into this mess. You have every right to break off a relationship with another person. No one can force you to stay.
There really isn’t a magic way to end this that will guarantee a calm reaction from her. You simply need to tell her that “You are sorry, you realize now that this relationship is unhealthy for both of you and that you need to end it.” I know it sucks, but the suckitude of having to tell someone it’s over will be worth it. If she is physically violent at all, I would suggest seeking out help from the domestic violence hotline before breaking the news. If she’s just reacting verbally and emotionally to your attempts to break it off, then just be brief and firm and leave. Please don’t tell her she’s psycho or give her a long list of faults, that will not help the break up go smoother. Maintain no contact and block her on your phone and social media so that she can’t contact you. Repeat firmly that you wish to cease all contact if she won’t give up. Do not agree to get back into a relationship to placate her. Feel free to seek assistance from counselors for advice in breaking this off.
I would suggest therapy anyway to help you recover emotionally so you can later start a healthy relationship with a woman who is single and emotionally available. They are out there. Don’t settle for less.
End it now. You have the leverage in this equation, her unknowing hubby. If she goes nuts just remind her that if she doesn’t let you go, as if she had that kind of power and authority, the hubby is gonna get a phone call. Then get over it and find yourself a suitable, available mate.
Well, here’s the thing…if you have been involved with her for 20 years, you are more used to that cycle of behavior than you are tired of it. It is your norm. Habits, especially relational habits are very difficult to break without help. It sounds like there is some mental health and possibly substance abuse involved. I agree with the person who discussed co-dependency. Go into individual counseling immediately and at least 8 sessions. You will need to heal and a safe place to do it. You will have to set a goal for what you want and an action plan to attain your goal for YOU. Life goes on….until you are dead. Since you are still among the living, you can determine that you want to let go of the bitterness and be happy within yourself. A good therapist will help you get there.
Jodie,
What you are feeling is limerence. It is intense, overwhelming and almost impossible to resist. It is not sustainable and usually tapers off, even vanishes after a time. It usually burns hot but burns out after six months or so and seldom lasts 36 months. Because it is so temporary it is a really bad basis for the destruction of your family. Because it is so so intense it is really hard to walk away from.
I realize that you have probably already declared your affair as being an exception but the truth is that nearly all affairs are over by about two years. Very few become marriages and only a small percentage of those last beyond a handful of years. In fact, you are more likely to want your old marriage back than to be happily married to your lover in five years.
Affairs can happen for different reasons, and sometimes the complexity, depending on ones personality, is only as complex as the cheater wants it to be. It can be as complicated as childhood issues and as superficial as mere lust. The bottom line is that it is wrong, and to focus on anything but that is enabling, an excuse. Too bad that realization is discovered too late for some.
To all those having affairs – if you knew how much it would hurt your spouse – if you could feel even a fraction of the pain – if you ever cared for them at all. You’d stop. Right now.
6 weeks ago I discovered that my beautiful, compassionate, wonderful wife of 8 years (together for 12) was having an affair. It had only been 4 weeks since she’d started it – but I confronted her, she admitted it and then was convinced by the other man to leave me. She’s moving in with him in two days time.
We have a 4 year old daughter about to start school. Her life has been disrupted and will be living 50% of the time in different houses.
I meanwhile am left abandoned, hurt and alone.
The other man hasn’t just taken my wife, but the entire life I’d worked so hard to build. If she’d just been honest with me, ended our marriage when she realised her feelings had changed and given me time to get used to being without her it would have been so much easier. Instead, she started a relationship with a man while still playing happy families with me – so one minute I’m happily married – with NO SIGNS AT ALL that anything was wrong, then the next, before I can even blink she’s shacking up with someone else.
If you ever loved your spouses at all – END YOUR MARRIAGE BEFORE HAVING AN AFFAIR. There is NO excuse. All it does is cause more heartache than I thought possible.
I was a happy-go-lucky guy who let nothing bother me. My life changed so much overnight that I attempted suicide. If not for me getting an image in my head of my daughter being raised by the man who stole my life away, I wouldn’t be here now.
My heart goes out to you and your child. My prayers are for you to forgive her when she returns. God Bless.
Thank you Alicia.
I forgave her immediatley, in an attempt to stop her leaving so we could rebuild. What kind of man would I be if I can’t forgive the woman I love for the only thing she’s ever done that needed it?
No sign of her returning sadly.
Sorry to hear about what happened to you but I know how you feel in a way my husband is cheating on me as we speak it has been going on for two years he is denying it and it’s the lies that are doing my head in I have never felt more betrayed in my life but I’m learning to live with it as there isn’t any thing I can do about it I have a good life and I’m not going to give up my life just because he can’t keep it his pants I have learnt to put it away some where although I’ll never trust him again. I have a eight year old son and I can’t take him away from his dad he loves his dad and his family why should he loose everything because of his dad if I have to sacrifice my happiness for him to be happy that’s what I have to do. So people can move on from this type of trauma and I know how hard it is I’m living it but I have no other option. Sorry if you think I’m selfish by talking about me but I have no one else to talk to as I have never felt so alone in my life .
Tiffany, you’re very brave.
I wanted to do the same as you, forgive my wife. Forget what happened and try to salvage what up until then had been a very happy marriage.
Unfortunatley, she decided to leave me for him because she couldn’t bear to cut ties with him, but knew that I would always be in her life because of our daughter. She gets to have her cake and eat it, while I’m miserable and alone.
I’m under no illusion that things wouldn’t have been different between us had we stayed together, and appreciate that your situation must be very difficult.
There does come a time though when you have to think about yourself. You shouldn’t put yourself through that kind of anguish – I know you’re thinking about your son, but you can make an amicable arrangement with your husband that will allow you both plenty of access – that’s the one good thing from my split, unusually for a father, I get my daughter 4 nights a week and it’s made us closer than ever.
And don’t worry about being selfish – believe me I’ve been the same. From someone who’s going through similar – you’re welcome to email me if you want to get things off your chest. Believe me it will help.
Exact same scenario – husband of 12 1/2 yrs (together 15) having an affair with a close friend of mine (the wife of his best friend). One minute it’s “I love you and can’t live without you” and then it was “I don’t love you, never loved you, she is the love of my life and I am leaving to be with her”. For two months he had this affair without every hinting at anything being wrong. Even sleeping with both of us to keep up the lie. We have 4 kids. Oldest 2 are older teens and because they refuse to accept “her”, he isn’t seeing them. The younger 2 (10 & 7) he wants 50% of the time, even though his work schedule can’t take them to school or pick them up. He tells me that’s ok because SHE will do it. So because I refuse to allow his new girlfriend of 4 months to be their “mother”, we are now fighting in court over custody and I am the bitter monster. His family has abandoned me as if I never mattered. The entire thing is just devastating. But financially I am secure, and I know I deserve better. He has said I cheated first with work, kids, a 3 hr a month book club, but it is all just lies and excuses to justify his behavior. He is her 4th affair, so if he thinks this is real life it is yet another lie he is telling himself. I can’t wait to watch them crash and burn.
I can absolutely relate to your situation. I was with my partner for 12 years. We have an 11 year old and 4 year old. We weren’t one of those on again off again couples, and although we never married, we essentially were husband and wife- without the paper. He didn’t show any signs of being unhappy with me. He told me I was the love of his life, and he would never leave. Two years ago, he got a job in a town 2 1/2 hours away. We all moved over, and things were going fine. He was advancing in his career, the kids were happy, I was completing my degree, and our relationship was thriving. Last October, he started acting restless, saying he wasn’t sure if the town we were in was where we should be, he was thinking of a transfer to a town where we both had family, and I had access to a better college. So he put in the transfer and to save money, we moved to the town 2 hours away, and stayed with my mom. He had to stay working at his job for 2 more months before the transfer was complete, so he stayed with a coworker and came home on the weekends. It was very strange. In 12 years we had never lived apart, but he kept reassuring me that it was only temporary and we were doing what we needed to do to get to where we wanted to be. Around November, things started getting bad. He was acting resentful, and just different. This was the man I thought I knew more than anyone, and he became hard to recognize. I kept asking what was wrong, he would say “nothing, I just miss my family.” I would tell him we’d all be back together under the same roof soon. Then he became uninterested in intimacy. We had always been rather active in that department, so it really worried me. I asked if there was another woman, his reply (every time I asked) : ” Of course not! You are acting crazy, I love you.” Then I started finding receipts in his truck when he came home. Expensive meals at restaurants he didn’t normally go to, flowers, even lingerie stores. He had an excuse for everything, and called me crazy. I began to think I was, and that his behavior was caused by me being so “crazy”. Things went on like this for a while, my heart dying every day that past. Then in May, I found a receipt in his wallet for an expensive diamond ring he bought in February that I never received. I knew it was a valentines day gift for another woman. I confronted him and he finally admitted he was seeing a girl from work. He was remorseful, I was broken. He left back to work for the week, and I didn’t eat or sleep for 3 days. I had my mom take my kids, so they wouldn’t see me in complete despair. Over the next few months we began talking like we never had before. He assured me things were over between them, it was a chain of really terrible mistakes, he was so sorry he did it. We planned to move back in together, and were working things out everyday. Then I found out from his sister that he was living with the other woman. In fact, there had never been a “guy from work” that he moved in with, only her. He told me it started out as a roommate situation and then developed into a “stupid fling” with a “homewrecker”. He said he was only still living there because he was saving money to move out. He makes really good money… We talked about what our future held, he promised over and over it was over with between them. He couldn’t wait to get out of that town and have his family back. He has been living with her for a year. As I write that, I realize how crazy it really is. I began believing him again, that he had his own room, wasn’t interested in her and things really had ended with her when he told me they did. He couldn’t wait to get out of there and come home to me. Over the course of many hours of conversation, sweet gestures from him, and family vacations, I began to think he was telling the truth. He was the man I’ve known and loved all these years- this nightmare was ending. Then 3 weeks ago, I had a wedding to go to 8 hours away. So I took my daughter and he came to be with our son for the weekend (since he still comes every weekend). I was gone for 2 nights, and when I got home, I knew something was off. He told me he stayed with his sister in the town his job is in. But promised me I had nothing to worry about, he didn’t take our son to his house and why would he? Things were over with her, and he’d never bring our kids around her. I felt uneasy, but thought to myself that I had to trust him to build things back up. He left for work for the week, and I sat at my computer to catch up on emails and whatnot that I didnt’ have a chance to read over the weekend. I hopped on Facebook, and saw pictures posted from the fair he took our son to. In one of the pictures, I saw her standing in the background. I asked my son who she was, and he said “dad’s friend. we went to the fair with her and stayed at her house.” I smiled and said ” Oh that sounds like fun, I’m going to take a shower.” And went into the shower to break down without the kids knowing. This man has lied to me over and over again. He has betrayed me in ways I cannot even voice, but this isn’t the person I have loved all these years- that person isn’t here anymore. Through this whole thing, I keep wanting to call him and tell him about this horrible life changing event that happened to me, because he’s always been my support, but HE’S the one who did it. I know, it makes no sense. I miss him so terribly my body hurts, but I am grieving a man that is no more. Of course he denied the whole thing, said she just “showed up” at the fair, said they couldn’t stay at his sisters so he took our son there, but they weren’t around each other at all. I know it’s all lies. We didn’t talk at all for the last 3 weeks until last night. He told me ” I don’t know what I want or what the future holds.” ” we are broken up right now, so why do you need to know every detail?” and so on. I always told him, I’d rather be broken up with than cheated on. I don’t understand why, even after I found out, he continued to lie. HE STILL WONT’ ADMIT TO BEING WITH HER! It makes no sense. This is where things stand now, sorry about the length of my post, this really is the condensed version of the story.
Baron,
I truly empathize and sympathize with you. Just keep in mind to take care of yourself, become a better you for you and your child. Also remember, affairs do not last! She is in the infancy stage of her fantasy-land, affair fog and everything is perfect for her right now, but with her moving in with him will only speed up the demise of her relationship. I believe strongly it is only a matter of time when she is done with her land of make believe. Be someone she wants to be with if that’s what you want when shes done. Also really consider if this is the women you really would want to take back if that’s the case. Either way I would not concern yourself with the low-life she’s with. He will be a distant memory soon. Just be prepared for what you will do when that time comes…God Bless
I’m so sorry! Unfortunately, I do know your pain firsthand. My ex kept cheating on me and I finally divorced him. I can understand why you felt suicidal when hit with that shock. I am glad that you want to be here for your daughter. You are a bright shining light in this dark world and your daughter needs that.
It hurt very badly when the person I thought was my best friend lied to me, betrayed me and told me that I wasn’t normal. I felt like something was really defective about me and wondered if anyone could love me or even want to be my friend. I finally realized if my best friend could treat me like that, I clearly needed new friends! No one wants to learn that your best friend could do something like this.
The only upside to this crap is that this gives you a chance to build a new life on a stronger foundation with people who are loyal to you. I have learned that there are friends out there who are much more loyal and encouraging than my ex-spouse. There are many, many people who would appreciate having a loyal, honest person such as yourself in their lives. Please remember that you are valuable to the world because you have character.
When I went through this, I went to DivorceCare. (Some of the people there were kind of in limbo and still unsure if their spouse would divorce or not, so it doesn’t have to be final to attend). If you are interested, there is a website divorcecare.com that lets you search for support groups near you. They also have resources on that site to help you through the dark days. There is a blog called Divorce Minister that ministers to people who have been through this kind of betrayal. I also like Chump Lady. It’s a blog that tells it like it is and helps people see infidelity in an honest light since much of what you can read is filled with excuses and blameshifting.
Please know that you are a gem with a lot to offer this world. Being abandoned and betrayed sure didn’t make me feel like I was worth much, but the truth is another’s poor decisions don’t have much to do with your worth. If anyone tries to tell you otherwise, it means they’ve got their own issues and you shouldn’t listen to them. One person may not appreciate you, but many others will.
If your spouse does come crawling back, please only consider reconciling with her if her actions show that she is truly remorseful and willing to change. To accept someone who isn’t repentent, invites a cycle of emotional abuse and further infidelity. Trust me, I went through it. I finally gave him an ultimatum and decided to file for divorce.
Thanks everyone. Yes – it was without doubt the single most traumatic experience of my life.
5 months on, I’m doing better – still not great. For the first time in my life I suffer with depression, anxiety and even PTSD.
I still yearn for the life I’ve lost and my wife has become increasingly distant and even more cruel – she forgets sometimes that she’s the one who hurt me, not the other way around.
But, i’ve begun dating, and i have my daughter. Living alone is hard, but not as hard as I expected it to be and my daughter and I have grown closer than ever.
Baron – Thank you for your post. My heart goes out to you as well. This is trite, but I pray you can pick up the pieces of your thoroughly broken heart and get back on your horse and keep riding though life. You will find love again and you will feel happy again. Hang in there brother.
Adam,
Thanks man. Slowly, but surely, I’m getting there. The pain isn’t gone, but I’m better at ignoring it.
i can relate to much of what you are saying baron, i will have been married for 13 years in 2 weeks time. my husband left me 6 months ago to move in with the other woman n i was clueless to his budding romance with her n all the other one night stands he’s indulged in the last 3 years which she gleefully told me about. i feel like he never cared or loved me at all to keep hurting me this way or giving he ammo with which to hurt me. i wish he had divorced me years ago before establishing a relationship which causes me to feel replaced. i am an 8 yr stroke survivor n i was not neglectful of him i just could not provide for hi in the way an able bodied person can so he sought elsewhere leaving me abandoned n devastated
Baron,
It’s now November 2016. Is she still with her affair partner? My wife, too, initiated an affair seemingly out of the blue with an “old friend” she re-met and began texting with. Our marriage had been a difficult one for about 2-3 years due to financial woes, among other issues. I wasn’t easy to live with, for one. Nevertheless, an affair is a terrible way to end a marriage, and a cowardly one. Like a lot of women, they want another vine in their hand before they let go of the other one. It’s called a safety net. She even left him 4 months after the affair and told me she wanted to reconcile, then 2 weeks later I found condoms in her purse and at first she was mad at me for my invasion of her privacy, but when pressed she admitted she had gone back to him. That was little over a week ago. So it goes. The affair has gone on for five months now, nearly six. The OM has some serious “baggage” and is “stupid” according to my wife, which is why she considered leaving him, but the addictive element was too strong. She also has deep-seated issues with me due to years of so-called “emotional abuse” which are not helping in the comparison department. He is all sparkly while she and I have a history. But that history is not all doom and gloom, and she admits that I am the only man who truly “understands” her. But that could all be letting me down easy smoke. I have no doubt in my mind that she is in the “limerance” stage – the affair is clearly based on an old unrequited love, thus nostalgiac. Moreover, my wife has some unmet needs from childhood which have profoundly affected her but to which she seems blissfully unaware. I – and others in her life – keep waiting for the affair to eventually end its inevitable death but who knows? I mostly feel sorry for our son, who is a total innocent in this, and at a terrible age for his parents to separate and then inevitably divorce. I just wonder where you are now 1 1/2 years later… if she is still with the OM, or what.
He didn’t steal your life. your wife was a willing paticipant. However, you can restore your marriage. Seek God and everything will fall in to place.
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Marriage is a union between two people who vow to remain united in good and bad, to love trust and respect their significant other. How in the heck can two people (despicable cheaters) claim to be “In Love” when they have proven through their actions to be deceptive, liars, untrustworthy, sinful, selfish, adulterers!?!? It’s not love, it’s a cheating fantasy that is simply lust and temporary.
That is nice… on the surface, but often a love affair (which often has sex involved) is way more complicated than that. I love my wife – been married for 20 years. We were “in-love” at one time and then settled in to the business of life: raising kids, mortgage, jobs, schooling, vacations, church, retirement planning – she is my rock and I am committed to her in good times and bad. But I am human and I have feelings and I fell into an affair for many small reasons all coming to a head at one time. It’s not temporary – I could quit the affair, but another will happen again unless I get help and find an alternate outlet for my emotional needs. Maybe I need to get a fast car, a motorcycle, sky dive, take up drinking, become a work out fein, a workaholic: these are all answers to possibly the same questions I had – would you want your husband or wife to simply do anything else… but just do not have an affair? Unless you take the time to understand why people do have ongoing deep affairs – how dare you judge.
All the possible alternatives you mention might all fill some sort of void. However, they do not fill the same void or voids.
The actual solution is for you and your wife to learn how to meet and fulfill the specific needs, including emotional, that you each have. Yours and hers are very likely very different. As a guess, you probably don’t meet her needs perfectly either. So, instead of you each having alternate outlets, you both find your outlet in each other.
It requires work, usually a bit of help and a true commitment, not just to avoiding divorce, but an all-in push to not stop until you both learn exactly what your spouse needs to not have any voids to fill.
The”till death” part is only valid if the “forsaking all others as long as you both shall live” part is fully functional.
Not all affairs are rooted in lust. Some affairs are real relationships in which sexuality is the expression of other or overall attractions. I am having an affair that was initiated by the married man. I have no way, at this time, of predicting the future, but he’s very clear that he won’t divorce his wife, and frankly, I never was going to ask him to. The night we first became physical, I asked him whether he wanted me or wanted the sex. There was no right or wrong answer that would have changed the outcome of that evening. There were already a lot of signs that it was about me, but I wanted to hear it from him. He said he hadn’t thought about it and sat back quietly for a moment before he answered, “Right now, I’d have to say it’s about you.” The fact is we’re often together just to talk for hours about whatever without there being any sexual component. Ours is as much — if not more of — an emotional affair as a sexual one. The fact is that “till death do us part” was possible when people married at 20 and lived to be 40 before one or the other died. But now that we live four times as long, it may be an unrealistic expectation that we remain with the same person. Many people simply outgrow one another. The reasons people have affairs can be complex and very individualized.
My real name is not Henry,
This is the problem from the beginning, all lies, lies, lies….The lies to keep this going is staggering, it is absorbing, it is exciting, it is guilt ridden, it is all consuming personality changing. In an instant, only she matters and nothing else does….its crazy….
I wish I had met my affair partner before I got married. We simply get along, its that’s simple, something my wife and I never did. I knew my wife and I did not get along from the beginning, yet I did it, things were moving quickly and I felt trapped. Interesting enough, I have heard this from other men as well….I’m weak I admit it, i have a passive personality….. Also, when I say affair partner, I use this reluctantly, she is a human being, a beautiful women with feelings and emotions. I really dislike labels.
Its easy to blame me and I accept responsibility for my actions, yet what no one sees is the abuse that I took/take behind closed doors. The one off insults that me me feel like nothing.
Its been 2 years now and we are ending the relationship. Its hard but I know I can go anywhere without having to look over my shoulder. its a good feeling. I am a good person. At the end of it all, I have one question that I need an answer too.
Why did this happen to me?
Your comment is hard to follow, which relationship are you ending after 2 years? The one with the woman you had an affair with? and who abused you behind closed doors?
Hi Jane,
I am ending the relationship with the woman I had the affair with. Its a hard thing to do, yet at the same time, I feel this great weight has been lifted off my shoulders, no more hiding and sneaking around, no more lies, no more guilt, no more double life, no more double life !!, and that in itself has “real” value.
I was not looking to have an affair, we just fell into it, I was weak (I admit it).
As for the abuse behind closed doors, my only advice to people is watch what you say, Words Hurt, they really do! At least now, if I end up ending my current relationship, I will have a clear conscious about going forward. I was thinking about counselling for myself at this point. One thing is for sure, for the time being, I just need a break from it all….
Hi Jane,
I am ending (have ended) my relationship with my affair partner. Its a hard thing to do, we were together totally (in mind), something I have always wanted, yet the unbearable burden of living in 2 relationships (one good, one bad) was overwhelming and could not be sustained. There were strains and it was showing. It’s really a heartbreaking situation. Anyways, its over now, and I feel better, no more sneaking around, no more lies, no more guilt, no more looking around to see if anyone may see us, ZERO Percent chance of being caught now and I feel like a huge burden has been lifted…Its a great relief.
My only advice would be this: Every relationship is about power to some degree, there must be a balance (seek a balance), else one day, you will be in a situation that does not benefit anyone. Also, watch your words, they Hurt, they really do. Usually people seek counselling when its too late. Don’t let it get that far….As for my current (bad) relationship, there are 2 kids involved and everything that goes with that. If it ever does end, at least I can move forward with a clear conscious now. I’m still hurt and sad that it had to end, but it was really for the best, i know it now. As for my affair partner, and again I say, she is a real person with a real name, a good person from a good family, thru some unfortunate mistakes she made by marrying “Wrong” at a young age (and she knew it), now has to deal with so many other issues, me included.
I was thinking of counselling for myself, not sure if it can help, but the best counselling advice and action I took was to end my affair.
I am still left with one question…Why did this happen to me?
Hope this answers your question Jane.
Regards….
Thank you for your honest post. I am 2 months into my first affair and I keep asking myself Why am I doing this? My wife is great – a great friend, lover, wife, mother to our kids – everything. Why am I doing this – and I don’t have a strong answer for that yet. It’s a combination of a lot of things I think… an addiction to pornography that has finally manifested itself into action, wanting to feel young again (I am 42), the feeling of freedom by having a secret that’s my own, a feeling a being a real man by being able to juggle two love affairs, variety in sex (which is a fantasy for many men I believe). But at what cost am I doing this? I am a Catholic and for the past two months I cannot even face God to pray and talk through this – which is scary for me. If I die suddenly, my legacy will be this lie which is sure to be found out. Why am I doing this? But I do think I love this other woman and really do want to be close with her beyond friendship – we both agree we think we can handle this love affair long term without compromising our families or personal sanity. Right now we are on thin ice as I am not functioning well at work and long to tell and talk with someone about all of this – yet I must keep it a secret deep down in me. My wife I think is seeing a difference in my behavior. I think for now my affair is having a positive affect on my home life… but only on the surface… deep in me I feel something has really changed or is changing and I just don’t know how this is going to end up. My affair lives far away now but we talk everyday and exchange text constantly and do risky FaceBook posts and plan on meeting again someday… sometimes I feel exhausted and feel like this is all going to come crashing down on me or her and hurt our families. It is so selfish of us. If I was really a man and cared about everyone I would quit this childish behavior – but right now this is something I am doing just for me and day in day out all I do is give give give working long hours and loving my kids and listening to my wife and being the good respectable husband… this is one dirty selfish thing that I am doing just for me – God understands I have convinced myself.
I am sorry if you are being abused by your wife, but being unfaithful is pretty much abusing her back. It also really doesn’t help anything, which I’m sure you realize. Counseling for yourself sounds like a great idea. It would also be awesome if your wife was willing to go to counseling with you, so that you two could work to have a healthier marriage. Even honestly separating from your wife would be better than continuing this toxic dynamic that you two have.
For your own sake, please realize that you have a role to play in this dynamic by having an affair to run from your problems instead of dealing with them. Being honest with yourself about that is the best way to have a healthier future. No one “drove you to it”. You made that choice.
Remember that your affair partner was a fantasy. You only knew the fun, illicit, forbidden fruit side of her. This is why only about 3 to 5% of marriages that began from an affair actually last even though everyone thought their relationship was different. It is extremely tough to make an illicit relationship last. There are many people out there who you might be compatible with if your marriage doesn’t work out, so giving up the affair isn’t as horrible as it may seem right now. In fact, an honest relationship began after a divorce has a better chance of lasting.
I am in my first affair right now. Married for 19 years with 3 kids, a good job, a nice home – everything pretty status quo. I pursued this woman because I was attracted to her and I wanted to feel young again. She is married with one kid in a good marriage as well. We were family friends before it happened. I am playing with fire – because I know that if we are found out a lot of people will be very hurt. It needs to end, but I am in love right now and just can’t. I wish I was a better man, but right now I am being very selfish. I keep thinking “how does this, or will this, end?” Right now I feel no guilt, just pain for having fallen in love again. I still have not figured out what was wrong with my situation as to why I would be interested in having an affair. I really think it is because I am over 40 and life is pretty “set” for me now and that feeling made me feel sort of like life was over and I did not want to accept it.
Hi. You answered it yourself. You wanted “to feel young again”.
The romance of an affair is intoxicating, but know that you are risking your “set” life if discovered. I’m not saying right or wrong….I’m saying think and comprehend the consequences if your partner finds out.
YOU can control YOUR attitude and set rules/guidelines agreed with your lover. But there is a risk. For me, the risk is worth the reward.
I am 50 years old and I have had an affair for the last 4 years with my married boss (same age). At the time our affair began, he had been my boss for 10 years, however, in total he was my boss for 14 years, until just recently leaving his position. From the very beginning, other than having one big blowup at first meeting and having to stand up for myself, we grew to have a great deal of respect and trust for one another. We always got along exceptionally well and we always knew that we could count on each other.
During the first 10 years of this boss/employee relationship, I was also married. My husband was a good man and father to our two kids, which he adopted from my first (physically abusive) marriage. However, he was also a high functioning alcoholic with ocd, which overtime caused us to grow apart. Although he was never a mean drunk, he was always a depressed drinker and over time I felt like I was falling further and further down his list of importance, until he wanted sex, or a dumping ground. I had asked him for over 15 years to get help for his drinking and to go to counseling, but he never felt he had a problem and as a person with ocd and perfectionism, going to counseling made him look bad in his mind, so that was never going to happen. Needless to say, I was living in an indifferent marriage with no hope of ever truly feeling alive.
As for my boss, his wife works at the same company as we do, so I’ve had many opportunities to see how the two of them interact with each other, at least in public. Many people view her as very distant and aloof when it comes to how she relates to him, as well as how she relates to everyone around her. During the last 4 years that we have been together, he has shared many things with me as far as how their relationship is at home; and although, I am not naive, when it comes to all the many things a person will say to start and maintain an affair, I truly believe in this case that he too is living in an indifferent marriage. We have both said that, hindsight being 20/20, we now know our marriages were for stability. We both had young kids from previous volatile marriages and our main priority was to ensure they had stability in their lives. My boss and his wife never had children of their own and both of our kids are of adult ages now, which clearly does not make this situation any easier.
Once our affair began, I decided that I needed to get out of my marriage, which I did almost a year later. I didn’t leave for this affair, I left because I knew I deserved more and better in my life. Right now you’re probably thinking, “so going into an affair is giving you more and better”? No, I know it’s not. I know that having an affair makes me look weak and selfish and I know it makes me look desperate and like a scumbag. Believe me, not only do I know it makes me look that way, but it also makes me feel that way. There have been a few times throughout the last four years, when I would think to myself, “I should have just stayed where I was”. At least there, I had a house, toys, vacations and someone to do things with (even though I was always the chauffeur because of the drinking); but immediately my thoughts would change to, “I still wasn’t happy and truly in love with my spouse and I no longer wanted him touching me for his own gratification.
So now we’re at a point where serious choices need to be made. I have waited for this man for a few reasons over the last four years, and although there have been numerous times I’ve wanted to end it all, I truly felt that his reasons were legitimate. Reasons like reaching his 25 years at our place of employment so he can retire and find new employment elsewhere because we can’t keep working together (done), his son graduating college so he no longer has to pay his tuition (done) and finding the right time to tell his wife he wants out once those first two goals were achieved (not done). So, for me, there are no more reasons. I told him a week and a half ago that we need to stop all contact and it’s not to punish him or pressure him, it’s that I feel we’re at a crossroads now and I can no longer be a part of whatever decision he makes. I told him we both knew this time was coming and I truly believe it’s here and now. I told him that I know his decision won’t be an easy one and I know, if he chooses to leave his wife, it will take a long time for everything to work itself out. All I know is I don’t want to be involved if he makes a decision to leave because I don’t want him resenting me in the long run.
I know I’m taking a huge risk at never seeing this man again, but I love him enough to let him go. I have no idea what will happen from here, but I do hope all of the statistics I’ve read aren’t true in our case, and that true love was found.
So the way our affair began stemmed from a really great friendship. Quite honestly, it took us both by surprise and it wasn’t something either one of us searched for or had ever done before. We were just living our lives believing that what we had was all there really was ever going to be in this life, and unfortunately through an affair, found that there could be more.
I am in the same boat as you, however I am 31 and he is 33. He has 2 young boys. We were both in ten year relationships, married but not as long as each other. We both are madly in love. We both want to be together but I cannot continue this charade, knowing he is still married and I have been separated for a year and now knowing we both love each other. I feel all the awful things people think about people who do this. I feel desperate, weak, selfish,….I asked that he not contact me. That he take space, figure out his situation – if he isn’t with me, spend times with his boys – and decide if he wants to be with me, and start a life with me – or stay committed to an unhappy, very volatile marriage for the sake of the children. It’s hard though, from here – do I wait? Do I sit and decay and feel even more desperate? I am an amazing person, full of life, I have tons to offer – this is why i left my marriage in the first place – none of those things were appreciated, it was sexless and emotionless…we lacked intimacy. I don’t want to wait for long. I am young but not that young. Like you, I feel like at least i loved….
Dee, I think the hardest part about waiting is the statistics I spoke about. I want to believe that the love we share is within the 1 – 5% success range, but at the same time, as I said earlier, I’m not naive either. For me, I had to tell the man that I love that I will give him until a certain time in July to make a change in his life, but during that time, all contact will be cut off. I told him if nothing happens within that time frame, we’ll be finished for good. I finally decided that as hard as it will be, and as hard as it’s been for the last 2 weeks now (a lot of up and down emotions), it can’t be any more difficult than the last 4 years have been. I think the hardest part for me right now is the not knowing. I trust this man more than I’ve ever trusted anyone in my life, but I still don’t know what the end result will be. He’s always said material things aren’t as important to him as being in love, but you never know what a person will do when it comes right down to walking away from everything you’ve worked so hard to build in your life. I think the one thing I have in my favor that, unfortunately, you don’t, is that there were no children born between the man I love and his wife. However, it doesn’t make it any better or easier because I still feel like a huge part of the reason he would be leaving his wife, although he’s told me numerous times that his marriage was over long ago. The bottom line is there is nothing fun or easy or good about being in an affair relationship.
For me, the only way I seem to be getting through this right now is knowing that I have given him all that I can and not just sexually. I have given him my entire heart and soul, as he has given his to me. He knows with every fiber of his being that he is deeply loved in every way that matters to every human being. And like you said, as far as I’m concerned, this has to be his decision as to whether or not he wants to stay in a relationship with no affection, no intimacy, no real indepth communication and basically just live with a roommate (his words) for the rest of his life. I know they’ve been to counseling in the past and he said that it never worked for either one of them, so what happens from this point on is anyone’s guess.
You asked, “do I sit and decay and feel even more desperate?” and my answer to that is hell no! You said you’re 31 years old and I’m sure you have a lot of friends still at your age. You need to go out and try to have a good time, you need to keep your mind and body active in things that don’t revolve around the man you love. We both need to try and remember who we are and who we want to be because that’s truly who these men fell in love with in the first place. We need to be strong and love ourselves enough to know that we deserve more than we’ve been giving ourselves and if they truly want their lives to be different, they know what they need to do. We can’t do it for them, nor would we want to.
I like how you commend yourself for being an an amazing person, who’s full of life, and has a lot to offer. I feel the same way about myself and that alone shows what strength we have and that we deserve someone who will fight for us instead of waiting and feeling like we’re begging for them. We need to keep moving forward the best we can and if they catch up that would be great, but if they don’t, then it just wasn’t meant to be.
I sincerely wish you the best of luck and love in your life
I feel your pain – thank you for sharing. Right now for me the question I am wrestling most with is “why am I doing this?” Aside from the obvious typical, legitimate reasons: attraction, desire, gratification, love, feeling free, the high of living a dual life – why am I doing this when I think I am in a pretty good marriage? I wonder if your mate will end up leaving his wife or not. My wife is demanding and cold a lot of times and I resent her often for not seeing or appreciating all I do and taking me for granted, but after 19 years, I think I can understand and accept that. My lover says I deserve better – a better life – but I think this is just life and it will end up this way eventually no matter who I am with. I am in the early stages of my first affair – I wonder how I will be feeling a year from now. I think about your long affair and I think that is rare – it sounds like you two really love each other and I hope you don’t get hurt. Please let us know.
I wish I could answer, why you’re having an affair, Alan, but I think everyone’s reasons are different. Unfortunately, a lot of people think that affairs are just about the sex, and for the most part they’d be right, but I also believe that there is much more to it than just being black and white.
You never really said how the person you’re having the affair with feels about the situation. When you say you ask yourself, “how is this going to end”, I think it’s clear that it’s going to end with extreme heartache and pain for someone. You said right now you don’t feel guilt, only pain for having fallen in love again, but have you and your affair partner asked yourselves, if you were to be found out, what your responses would “truly” be then? Aside from all the hurt and pain that would be going on, would you feel guilt then, or would you stand up for the love you believe you’ve found? Would your affair partner do the same? Because you’re new in this affair, I think you still have many questions to ask yourselves, and honestly, because I’ve been through it for four years now, I can say that I would suggest you know the answers to those questions before you continue on with your affair. Speaking for myself, I knew with every fiber of my being that had my affair been found out, I would have stood up for the love I knew I found, even if it meant being alone from that point on for the rest of my life. Sadly, that’s what it came down to for me. My family did find out.
It’s been 3 years now since my divorce, and believe me when I say, I destroyed my family. My ex-husband and children were completely devastated because they, like everyone else around us, believed we had the perfect marriage and on the outside it absolutely appeared that way, but not on the inside of me. As I said in my earlier message, I had everything going for me in my life too, but I reached a point, because of finding what I believe was my true love, that I was no longer willing to settle in my life with just anyone regardless of the “things” I had in my life. I believe many people stay in marriages because it’s comfortable and safe, and that’s okay, I don’t judge, but for me I needed to be true to myself regardless of what the outcome of my life was going to be. I will forever be deeply apologetic for what I did to my family, and right now I am alone, but I still have my kids who love me no matter what. It’s very difficult at times, but luckily for me, I don’t get lonely just because I’m alone. I often wonder what will happen with my life because being 50 is still very young and I don’t have many girlfriends to just go hang out with. I do hope my affair partner will follow through with the plans we’ve talked about, but I can never be guaranteed that will happen. In fact, right now, I don’t expect it to happen. All I can do is have faith in the love I know we have and live each day with hope, whether it’s hope of being together some day or hope that being true to myself will eventually make me feel truly alive one day.
Hopefully this gives you a little insight as to what will happen. I guess what I’m saying is you really, REALLY need to search inside your soul. It is your soul that will be truthful with you, not your head. Your head will take you all over the damn place, but your soul will set you free to what is truly intended for you in this life. The reason I say to end your affair now, while you still have a chance, is to give yourself, and your affair partner, every opportunity to really discover why it is you’re doing what you’re doing and whether or not it can be fixed. You never said whether you and your wife have ever tried counseling or whether any of your issues have even been brought up with her. I know my affair partner has the same issues with his wife being demanding, cold and unappreciative and they have been to counseling for it, but as mentioned before, neither one of them felt it did them any good. I must say though I do ask myself why you’re willing to accept it. I don’t believe it’s okay that a marriage runs that way, and who knows, maybe your wife is feeling things too, but that’s why it’s so important to at least be honest with her about your feelings so she has the chance to be open and honest with you as well.
The last thing I will say is, your affair partner is right, you do deserve better … all of you do. And as far as you feeling like all relationships would eventually end up the same way, I guess that depends on why you’re getting involved with them, why you’re staying with them and why you’re marrying them in the first place. For me I got married the first time because I was young (22 yrs. old) and stupid and thought I knew it all. The second marriage (now looking back) I had two small kids, was 30 years old, and wanted stability and dependability, more than anything else, in our lives. I loved who my ex-husband was as a person, but I know now that I was never truly “in love” with him. Hell I never even knew what that meant and I really never believed it even existed. My affair partner experienced the pretty much the exact same thing. He got married young, had a child, and the first marriage was a rollercoaster ride. His second marriage, was more for the stability and being truly “in love” was not what really mattered most especially when he too never really felt it existed anyway. But now we do believe that it can and does exist and we know that our relationship with each other is for us and no other reason. It’s what feels right for us to the very core of our souls.
Alan, I sincerely appreciate you hearing my story for what it truly is to me. I wasn’t sure what to expect when I put it out there on this website because it is such a taboo topic. I’ve read many websites, full of hatred and judgement and when I read this one, it felt a little more forgiving and that I could actually give a different perspective of what an affair can mean. As I said, I absolutely know what I have done is wrong in society’s eyes, but what I also know is that not all affairs are meant to be malicious, nor are they always started intentionally. I also believe that what I have with this man is rare and I do know that we truly love each other, but for me, 4 years was long enough. I met all of his time commitments that he had with his job and his son and now it’s up to him to go from there on his own. I hope I don’t get hurt either, but as I said before, it can’t be any worse than what I’ve already experienced through all of this, and for now, all I can do is expect the worst and hope for the best, but continue moving forward with my life.
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Alan, and I will definitely let you know the outcome of mine. I don’t know about you, but I do wonder about sharing so much of our stories this way, only because I’ve never put it out there like this until now. Not to mention, I tend to speak novels instead of paragraphs
Tell me your thoughts on that and take care in the meantime.
Our forums are filled with stories of affairs from the point of view of both the unfaithful spouse and the the betrayed spouse. Some couples restored their marriages after an affair and others did not. Many are currently working through dealing with an affair and a few are trying to end one.
No matter where in the process you are or which side of the affair you find yourself on, our members are here to help.
If you click this link https://www.marriageadvocates.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php/ubb/newuser you can register to participate in the discussions and share your story with folks who understand and can offer support and encouragement for your situation. Many could use the experience of other people in dealing with the situation they find themselves in right now. It is the experience of those who have lived through it all that can help the most.
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Sharon, you mention looking desperate because of your affair. I don’t think that’s necessarily true. As the affair partner to a married man, I think the same might be said for me, if it weren’t for the fact that men approach me literally every day at the grocery store, the gas pump and online. And I’m not a supermodel, even a bit overweight. I have a choice of men interested in me. It happens that the married man I’ve chosen means I don’t have to settle. How can that be since he’s married? Because I am not trying to marry or live with a man. I’m perfectly fine with him staying with his wife. I also don’t agree that the married affair partners are selfish. Often their partners are selfish in not meeting the needs. For instance, when one spouse forces the other into a celibate marriage, it’s often that the spouse refusing to put out has perpetrated a fraud because, whether spoken or unspoken, a central expectation under the marriage contract is the ready availability of sex. When a spouse refuses sex, he or she has broken the contract. One of the guys here talked about an abusive spouse. There’s nothing selfish about trying to keep a family intact in the face of abuse, if that’s true. That means a great deal of sacrifice.
Thank you Sharon.
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I was married 15 years, two children and now divorced because my ex husband got caught by me having an affair with a younger woman. It’s been three of divorce and three and half when th bomb was dropped. I work at a school the school my kids go to. Now he has decided to take his girlfriend to all the kids events. He says time has past and I should get use it . I’m very uncomfortable when they are at these events besides being my kids events it’s my workplace. Feel very disrespected. I have been very patient and nice with ex as well as polite. Always inviting him everywhere for the sake of boys I want him to be a part of my kids life and co parent. He is rude and angry with me all the time and does not meet his fatherly responsibilities . Yet when he is in front of my boys I am polite and easing always with him no matter what. But now he expects me to do same when he and girlfriend are at these same events as I . I basically go opposites sides and hellos are not exchanged . I just can’t be friendly or polite to them together. I can to him alone but not the girlfriend . Feel I’m saying it’s ok to cheat to my boys. Am I wrong ?
Hi
Someone please help me. I was married for 5 years, toxic marriage. He never loved me, I loved him very much but his verbal and physical abuse destroyed my love for him. I left home with my 4 year old, he wouldn’t even let me take a knife or a fork. I have to start my life from scratch at the age of 40 for me and my son (also his son). I started a new job and my married boss gave me a lot of attention and this made me feel so good, I needed it so badly. But his just using for sex, I might be emotional damaged but I am not stupid. The thing is I can’t do it anymore, just not cut out for this affair stuff and think I have also fallen for him. When ever we have sex I cry afterwards not in front of him, I feel so terrible. Amazing how something that made you feel so incredible good when started can now make you feel so terrible! I want to end it but so scared I CAN NOT loose my job, it’s all I’ve got. I know your thinking well just get another job, wish it was that simple. I was unemployed for 7 months it took me that long to find a job. What do I do?
I think you should start looking for another job. The affair is not fair to his wife. I have been the one getting cheated on and it does not feel good. I think your heart is telling you its not right. I would pray for another job and at the point, you find one tell him its over and dont ever talk to him again.
I agree that you have to start the long process of looking for another job. You should also start looking for love (emotional and sexual) somewhere else to help smother the feelings you have for your boss and the needs that relationship is taking care of in you. You will feel much better when you find a new partner and start taking steps towards a new foundation for your life. I wish you all the best – I am sure your heart is breaking.
Affairs hurt! Two years ago I learned my wife was having an affair with the neighbour. The affair took place for five years, in our home, the neighbour’s home, our vehicles, his, the woods nearby, my wife’s workplace and job-sites he worked. I saw texts, emails, naked pictures between them. My life and world was over, I had suspected for years, even asked; she always denied and called me jealous and irrational. The family next door were friends, our children were friends.
With counselling we are still together, we both want this marriage and most days are good. However, even after 2 years I have days I question my sanity, those annoying pop-ups of them together forever enter my mind. Some days I can dispense them as easily as unwanted ads while perusing the internet, I’ve gotten better at it, other times I can’t and they linger and fester. A good nights sleep always helps.
I don’t believe in Karma, life isn’t fair and seeking justice doesn’t work. There is no satisfaction for me in hurting my wife of 19 years. When I found out, I wanted to hurt her, even tried to hurt her emotionally, but came to realiz e I was only hurting myself.
We cannot control others actions, only ours and I work to take pride in my behaviour, to work through our marriage for me, my wife and our 4 children. I’m worth it, so are they.
Our marriage isn’t the same, it’s not easy to smile every day, but I feel our marriage is stronger today, however my happiness isn’t always. Sometimes I long for the days of blissful ignorance.
It was in September of 2012 that I confronted my spouse and he finally broke down admitting to his affair. It was a 13 year relationship. It’s been almost 3 years…of counseling, lots of self help books, late nights, lies and confession and more lies and confessions . No matter how much the change, how hard they try, how much interpersonal work I do, nothing will ever be the same. I realize I am going thru the grieving process. I suspect you are as well. For me, and maybe this will help you, I tagged it ‘facing the ugly truths’. Why ugly? It is all the conclusions, formulated from all the talks and self help affair/marriage books, that hurt the most. Accepting this truth, what I had is gone and never will be again, I am letting go. I see all the progress and effort of my husband and I commend him because he doesn’t want to be that kind of man anymore. I am happy for him. But here is the ugly truth, the damage is done and that won’t ever change, not just damage to me and my feelings but to him also. For each person the damage details will be somewhat different, but the damage is the result of choices and actions. At one time I trusted and believed in our love. It was something special, something that comes only once in a life, if at all. Gone. I embrace the painful truth and relinquish the past and the long held beliefs I had of youthful love. Yes, it is sad and change is frightening but necessary. I am still here, but I have changed. This event, this heart shattering experience has forced me to look deep into myself. I have learned things about myself I never knew and felt what no one should EVER have to feel. Leaving, staying, loving, not loving..they matter but they don’t. Somehow I am finding my way thru a maze I did not want to enter and for which I do not see the exit, but it is okay, And I think you will be okay to.
1 month ago I found out that my wife had been carrying on a sexual relationship for at least 6 months. Back in October we agreed to separate but were living in the same house. As far as I know she started a sexual relationship around the time we talked about separation. I think it has been going on longer but I have no proof.
Come to find out she has been introducing this new person to my 4 year old on multiple occasions, she even went so far to take my son and her boyfriend to San Diego for valentines day weekend. All while we were still living together. The day I moved out he moved in. I found emails of her reffering to my son as “our son” to her new boyfriend. More emails of him saying he is going to be a good father figure to my son.
She doesn’t know that I have read these emails and has for the most part lied about everything. She is still denying things even though I have read her words. Which I can’t tell her I know because I handed them over to my attorney.
So now here I am confused and very hurt. I always thought we would work it out and I put our marriage on the back burner whole I was focused on my last few months of college. I was under the impression that it was more of a trial seperation, yet I was still living with her. I am so hurt and angry I can’t sleep or eat most days. I am now going for primary custody due to some of the creepy nature of their emails. Not sure how it will turn out, but for right now my lawyer has managed to get her to sign a document stating she can not bring her boyfriend around my don until the divorce is final.
I am sick with the lying and deception.
Robert,
I’m so sorry that you have to go through something like this. Be sure you take care of yourself during this traumatic and stressful time. Be sure that you sleep and eat properly and surround yourself with those who will be supportive. If you want additional support or the advice of people who have lived through very similar situations, sign up for our free online community by clicking this link… https://www.marriageadvocates.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php/ubb/newuser
I wish you peace and a sense of purpose during this period of crisis.
I had a 3 year affair with a married man. I am also in a long term relationship. I fell pregnant to th other man and kept the baby. My partner must know, the child looks nothing like our other children,he hasn’t said anything yet. The child’s father called off the relationship when child was born. He still sporadically contacts me to tell me he loves me, misses me etc. What a tangled web we weave.
My husband and I have been married for almost 32 years. I found out about his affair with his co-worker (she is 20 years younger) when he told me about it. He only told me about it because a friend of the woman involved “leaked” the news of the affair on Facebook. I was devastated. I have never been given the chance to try and get over the affair either because every six months or so I find out that he is still in contact with her. He can’t see why they can’t remain friends. She has tried her best to come between us by sending me letters and following me around the town we live in and have friends of hers knock on our door only too happy to let me know that she is still in contact with my husband. I have only ever loved my husband and his affair has just devastated me and I still haven’t recovered from it. At first we went to counselling and five times he has told me over the last three years that he is leaving me but never does. Last spring I almost left him and he was devastated. He begged me to stay and give him another chance so I did. Guess what? He is still “friends” with her. I know I should kick him out but I can’t bring myself to do it. I guess I have no one but myself to blame for my situation then really.
You are a doormat woman, just leave him, this is truly pathetic, he will never give her up.
Jo,
In your very short response to Teresa you made several points. I’m going to address each one as I see them.
You say she is a doormat.
Not leaving is not what makes a person a doormat. It is what one does that can turn you into one and I know many people in marriages where one is treated as a doormat with no affair being involved at all.
You say that she should leave him.
She has invested 32 years in a marriage and as a result it has significant value to her. It is often difficult for those looking in from outside to measure that sort of value because those on the outside have never invested a single second in the relationship.
You say that this is pathetic.
I would call it tragic. A marriage of 32 years is under attack and one spouse is trying desperately to find a way to defend it while people on the outside continue telling her how hopeless it is. Yet our forum is filled with people who have saved and repaired marriages at least as broken. There are unfortunately also many other people fighting the very same fight as Teresa.
You end by saying that he will never give her up.
This is almost too easy. You use the word “never.” As a guess, almost anyone who has ever been in a committed relationship has believed that it is forever and therefore will never end. Somehow the divorce rate does not support that. The most likely explanation for your certainty might be that you are in a relationship you are sure is forever or you were in one you thought was forever but ended under similar circumstances. A third possible explanation could be that you are the other woman, either the one involved with Teresa’s husband or some other woman’s husband. You might consider that statistics show that most men involved in affairs do not leave their families and in fact do leave their affair partners.
Whatever your own circumstances might be you appear to have a simplistic and magical view of relationships. Since nearly all affairs end, most within two years or so, the likelihood of Teresa’s husband leaving his affair partner is well in excess of 90%. It is true that many marriages do not survive an affair but many more marriages survive than affairs.
Thank you Mark! That is exactly what I feel! It feels so good to actually see someone else put in to words how I feel.
I am a married woman, who has been having an affair with a married man for 3 years. I am not leaving my wife, and nor is she leaving her husband. Neither one of us are IN love with our spouses, but we don’t mind keeping them around. Although we are not attracted to our spouses romantically, will still have a love for them, like a friend.
I know people may say, if you don’t want them, let them go… No.. I need my wife to continue to cook, clean, take care of my kids, wash my clothes, etc.. I am familiar with my wife, and not exactly ready for permanent changes. The wife just caught me at a good time, because if I had known my married lover before I met my wife,. I would have married her instead.
I look forward to being with my lover. My wife is a bore, but I married her, made a commitment so I put up with her, only to save face because I can’t go and tell my friends and family that I don’t want her, without feeling bad for it.
My married got mad at me once, and told my wife about our affair, I didn’t care, but I had to stop talking to my lover until the air cleared, and then I was right back with her… I will say this to any married person being cheated on… It doesn’t matter how much you cry, jump up and down, yell, scream until you are blue in the face., the affair will not stop because you are the spouse… I would recommend that you shut up and sit down and deal with it until they finish.
There’s a difference between what you want to do,. Vs. what you are suppose to do,. Most time our nagging mates are trying to get us to do what we are suppose to do, but don’t breadline that your nagging about it, provides us with the excuse and reason needed to leave for a few moments to be with who we want. Real talk.
Teresa,
My heart goes out to you as I have been married for 41 years and my husband has been involved with a women 20 years younger than him. I kicked him out of the house 10 months ago and he has been living with her. I too believe that I have invested a lifetime with this man. My biggest concern is finances as I have a lot to lose. We are also close to retirement. He has ruined our credit because he has wasted all of his money on this other women and I am not sure if we will ever recover from this. I never expected anything like this to ever happen to me. I am totally devastated, but am managing on my own, because I am a survivor !! Not sure however what the end results will be.
I think it is tough to get out of some affairs once they have been solidly established. Not as easy as just walking away. There can be a solid friendship under the affair that a person may not want to let go of and if the affair ends the friendship probably will go too. I commend you for working so hard with your husband to get through this.
Teresa, my husband left me for another woman 3 months ago. I have been living a real hell with him and this situation. I read a book that really helped me to understand everything, and I think that it might help you in your situation. Unfurtunately my situation I think its all over, but I felt the need to recommend you the book since you might have a chance.
Hope everything works for you.
Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Families in Crisis. by James Dobson.
I don’t think you should leave him. But, clearly, you are in a situation where neither you nor he can make the significant leap. Though I know it’s not what you signed up for, what you apparently have is a polyamorous situation. My suggestion is that you lean into it, rather than trying to fight it. The fact is that by his deception, your husband obviously feels some love for you because he is trying to keep you in his life. He keeps coming back to you. It may be that the best way for you to show your love for him is to understand that no one person — in this case you — can be everything to another person. It’s an unfair burden we place on one another in this society. The reality is that you likely feel something akin to jealousy, but you don’t need to because he’s there with you. If you let go of that and set up some rules, you might find that this whole situation is manageable.
My situation is quite different from most , my wife of 18 years had an affair with a co worker which lasted about 18 months till his wife found out and forced hi to end it and leave their place of work . It was 6 years after it ended that I found out quite by accident and when I confronted my wife she admitted it but all she would say was ” yes , I had an affair , its over , it really didn’t mean anything , I don’t want to talk about it ”
Well my response was , ” you obviously no longer loved me when you started your affair and for the last 6 years the foundation of our marriage has been built on unfaithfulness , lies and secrets , now I understand that I no longer love you nor will I ever believe you or trust you again ” and I moved out of the bedroom to a spare room . We had 5 children at the time of her affair between 3 and 15 so neither of us were really in a position to leave when I found out . We have lived in a loveless household for the last 12 years and still done a good job of being supportive parents . I know many people say not to stay together just for the children but it has worked for us , we have been able to live separate lives within our arrangement . I know I have never been happier and I’m sure she is the same even though we have not even shared a kiss over the last 12 years
There are different types of arrangements that can work in a relationship. Sounds like you both have a measure of respect. Maybe, and i am not saying that you don’t have love, someday you will find your way back to feeling inlove.
I have been with my husband for 7 years and got married this summer ( I am in my late 20s him in his late 40s.) We had been having issues for quite sometime, he was no longer really interested in sex and would only sleep with me once or twice a month. About one month before our wedding I started a fling w my boss (he is also in his late 40s, married w kids) it started off innocent him telling me about how fridgid his wife was and the lack of sex at home. I have been extremely attracted to this man from the moment I had met him. Our conversations became more heated/frequent and about a week later we kissed for the first time and ended up sleeping together shortly after. This has been going on for 7 months now and we meet up once a week. At first it seemed fair to me to be doing this since my husband and his wife were both completely uninterested in sex and we have great chemistry. But as time went on it became all more real and I am deathly afraid of hurting my husband. Emotions have also grown for the other man and its not soo easy to keep him in the a “box” like it was at the begining. I don’t think I am capable right now to give either of them up. The reality is this is not sustainable, and if we get found out we will hurt both our spouses and his kids deeply, whereas if we end things we will only hurt ourselves (which we deserve.) I know what I need to do but it is just so hard because this is someone I see everyday at work and do have a real connection with, even when we spent weeks appart during the holidays we maintained contact and longed to see eachother… I am sad confused and will eventually hopefully do the right thing before others get hurt because of our selfish acts…. yet a voice in the back of my head is saying who are you kidding, you don’t have it in you to end it.
I am in a similar situation. We have been together for a total of 9 years. I started seeking an affair in in August after growing tired of his lack of affection/sex (which he recently told me is due to my increased weight and supposed decreased attractiveness) and passive aggressive behaviors. I eventually met a great guy in November who is fun and very sexually attracted to me, but it is very difficult to have a double life. Just know that you are not the only woman going through this. (((hugs))))
Hi:
Figured I would share my story with all of those who visit. Maybe my story will help you in some way.
Wife and I were married for almost 10 years, together for 12. She had a son from a previous relationship, but for both it was our first marriage. We met in July of ’02, engaged a year later and bought a house together, married in ’04, had a son together in May of ’05. Looking back all that happened real fast, less than three years!! Her son was a big stressor in the marriage as she felt I shouldn’t discipline him, problem was that he was lazy, never helped out and was a total slob. I admit I lost my cool at times over stupid stuff. This bothered her quite a bit. We began to grow apart about two years ago, she started sleeping on the couch with our new dog, we didn’t even say I love you or kiss much anymore. Roommates more than a married couple. Then, on Valentine’s Night of 2014, she went on facebook and located an old boyfriend who broke up with her about 4 months before we met. They began messaging each other, it moved to texting, and eventually into face to face meetings. By late March of 2014 we agreed to divorce, unbeknown to me was that she was “falling” for her old boyfriend and that was encouraging her to get the divorce done as quickly as possible to get me out and him in. She was not happy at all, and he was divorced for three years from the women he chose over my ex years before. When they broke up years earlier, she was devistated! There were days she could not get up off the floor, she cried constantly, and even briefly contemplated harming herself. She thought he was “the one”. Of course I NEVER knew about any of this until after we filed for divorce and I discovered their affair.
I found out about their affair in early April of ’14 when I saw a text from him on her phone. Even though we had filed for divorce, I was devistated!! I still am! I lived at the house until July of ’14, we were divorced in May of ’14, only 44 days after we filed, thats how bad she wanted to be with him. They were dating while we were still married and while I was still living in the house…complete hell!!!! As I write this they are coming up on their 1 year anniversary, still going strong. My ex feels that this is a second chance at happiness with him and she has given herself to him totally and has forgotten our 12 years together. Even went so far as to say that she should have been with him the entire time and they should have never broken up! That made me feel really good! My family wants nothing to do with her, some of her family dosen’t want to meet him at all, even her best friends and her are all but estranged over this! I know I wasn’t the perfect husband and I made many mistakes but this was not deserved. I feel as if our marriage was a sham because she kept a flame burning for this guy for 12 years. She wishes that everyone forget and just accept who they are and what they have and move on. I was passive about this for 7 months hoping she would change her mind, but when I saw that wasn’t going to happen it turned to anger. We barely speak anymore, she has just plugged him into her life and forgotten about me and our life together. It has been extremely hard the last year, but I have learned much about myself and continue to do so. I have had a few dates but none in the last 5 months. I still need some time to sort things out. I am seeing a counselor who has helped me out quite a bit. I am hopeful that the next year brings peace to me and my family and that our kids aren’t affected too much by this upheaval.
Hey Sean,
I am so sorry to hear about all of this. Hope you find your one true love. I bet you will
I discovered my husband’s affair (to someone 11 years younger) 6 months after it started and gave him a chance to save the marriage. He said he loved her and not me, so he got the divorce papers a week later and I had the divorce finalised within 4 months
I have no idea how long the affair would have continued if it hadn’t been discovered.
He moved out into a flat and was there for 6 months until we sorted out the finances, then they bought a house together. 5 years down the line there was no sign of marriage, so, with her biological clock ticking away the affair partner (who was now well over 30 conveniently got pregnant and they got married about 7 months later.
I am convinced that my exH was “cake-eating” and didn’t really want a serious relationship with this woman, but he deluded himself into thinking is was “The Real Thing”. So I set him free to be with her.
The Karma bus has already paid them both several visits, so I don’t think that things played out the way either of them wanted.
Dear Heartbroken, I’ve read a lot over the last few years but your story truly moved my Spirit to reply. I spent 35yrs in a. , “marriage” then got a disclosure of what had really been going on All those yrs. Hmm come to think of it today it’s been 3yrs since. What’s changed (nothing except me), it has been tragic (the feeling of always knowing who u were & khaving to acknowledge u will nnever b the same) however I promise u will & can b much more (in fact u always WERE) and u wiil know this again in a much deeper Spiritual sense. thru Our Loving Lord Jesus. In time u will also b able to know your husband was already dead (Spiritually, emotionaly, psychologicahis) & his problems were Faasrrr beyond u being able to fill that abyss (there would NEVER been Enough of ANYTHING or ANYONE to fill that endless hole. Today my H is still looking for acceptance!! From me of All people (looking for salvation from the one he betrayed sooo deeply). It really is Insanity & Mental illness to the Ummpth degree. These persons (affair partners included) r essentially “no ones”, incapable of truth as u found out. When there is No Truth in a person, they Are sepetated
I hear a lot about the lies of affairs and here you say the affair partner is included. The fact is a lot of the lying in these situations is less about the affair and more about the state of the primary relationship, which leaves it susceptible to the affair. The affair partner often is referred to as a ‘homewrecker,” but in reality, the relationship likely was unstable long before the affair partner arrived on the scene. Also, as the affair partner, I am not a liar because I have no one to lie to. And in my situation, our affair is an open secret. We don’t really sneak around. I’m not sure why my affair partner chooses to be indiscreet, but that’s entirely his decision. His wife knows about me, though she may not fully understand my role, but it shouldn’t take much for her to put two and two together.
My wife decided to leave me for a co worker. We’ve been married for almost 9 years. She claimed he’s her soul mate. She had never for anyone like this before. They are openly dating in front of me. She’s determined to jane this relationship work. They’re trying to have a baby for that is it’ll force them to be together forever.
My wife did/ is doing something similar. Sounds like she’s in a full blown rebound relationship. As characterized by most rebounds, things are generally hot and heavy very quick, but they also fizzle out pretty quickly too in comparison with “true love” which is characterized by mutual understanding and acceptance. Once that passion starts fading, the affair partners either come to terms with what they’ve done and end it, or they try to force the relationship to be something that it’s not in order to validate their actions. The forbiddeness and social taboos that fueled the passion in the first place are probably putting a strain on their relationship and they’re trying to find a way to salvage it.
It has been 4yrs since my husband cheated, it was with a co worker he lost his job and told me he had been groping her. I believed him as he had not been keeping odd hours and the place they worked was busy full of customers so I thought groping was all they had time for. He died 17 months after he was caught (by his boss) two days ater his death I found photographs of the woman in his car. After a lot of detective work some of which was done whilst organising his funeral I found out the truth. He had been sneaking out of the house early morning to meet her at their place of work and they were having sex on the shop floor whilst security cameras filmed them. I have spent the last four years trawling the internet for answers that I should have been getting from him. Some days I don’t know if my tears are from grief that he has died or his affair, my life has been turned upside down. Friends and relatives have told me to move on, he is not worth the pain I feel and I have reached the point where I no longer talk about what happened because the are tired of listening to me. Each day is an internal struggle to accept what has happened, sometimes aching for the man I loved, other days thinking badly about him I want desperately to come to some decision about which way I feel and live with that. Reading your posts I know exactly what you are all going through but I also feel envious that you have your spouse there to speak to and get some answers I know you may not believe all they say but they are there in front of you and you can see and hear their responses and get some idea of what they are thinking or feeling. Every moment of every day he and that woman and what they did are in my thoughts. I did contact her but she at first lied and then refused to answer my questions, I have found out my husband was not her first affair she is a married woman. I know no one can help me the only person who can is dead and I feel so lonely and abandoned I try to look to the future and put on a brave face for my children but all i see before me is a life full of unanswered questions. To those on this site who are cheating THINK about the psychological ,emotional and physical pain you will no doubt inflict on someone. I only hope there is life after death so my husband can see how is has destroyed a person and their life, cheaters murder their victims but leave them still breathing.
What are your opinions about long term affair (7 years) with a coworker? Both parties have no intentions of leaving their families but still carry on with the affair. I would think that after 7 years, it is more than just a physical thing. There must be some emotional aspect to it as well. From what I read, most affairs don’t tend to last that long and is it possible to continue to be in a marriage and an affair?
Confused Cheater,
I think that the majority of affairs, once beyond some kind of one time drunken hook-up are “more than just a physical thing.” I would even venture that the ones that are less physical are the most likely to go on the longest, since most aren’t really about just sex. We have seen many Emotional Affairs, enough that they have their own abbreviation (EA). Some never become physical and in some cases the affair partners never actually meet in person. Yet many of these affairs spell the demise of the marriage of one or both of those involved.
As for staying in a marriage and an affair, that is almost the very definition of an affair, isn’t it? If two single people meet, develop a relationship and hook up, that isn’t really an affair. If one or both are married, then that is an affair. If they divorce and the affair becomes the only relationship for both, then it is no longer an affair. So, it is only when someone who is married to someone else is involved that it is really even an affair.
I’m guessing that you wanted an answer suggesting that a long term affair is somehow “more than just’ an affair or more than just sex or more than just… whatever label would make it feel wrong and degrading, somehow making it “just” and right.
I won’t try to tell you that it is somehow not “real.” I will say that no matter how long an affair has lasted, it is still “just an affair.”
Generally speaking, affairs that last as long as the one you have described are fueled by a lack of emotional fulfillment at home. This generally fuels the initial actions that lead to the affair in the first place, and, in turn, continue to deprive the marriage of the very thing that the affair fuels. Until the status quo changes, affairs can continue until they are either found out, or the participants decide to reinvest that energy back into their marriages. It’s a vicious, continuing cycle. You cannot have a full and fulfilling marriage without fully investing in the marriage, which drives you to continue the affair, which continues to deprive your marriage of the energy needed to become the full marriage you are seeking. The affair itself also lacks the emotional fulfillment which the marriage provides, which is probably why you also have difficulty ending the marriage. If you left your marriage partner in favor of the affair partner, things might work for a while until you realize that all of your needs are not being met, in which event the relationship would end. This is the reason why so many affairs that turn into relationships fail. Honestly, until you choose to reinvest in your marriage, you’ll probably continue to find it lacking.
Great answer Cole. I understand that individuals can feel they aren’t invested in a marriage anymore, it happens. If the partner is made aware of the activity the other is participating in and in agreement then have the affair. The partner has a right to know what’s going on so that they can decide what’s right for the, Don’t you think that is only fair?
i have never asked online, my husband of going to 11yrs broke the news that he was seeing someone and thinking of marring her “if i agree”, we have 2 beautiful daughters 9 years & 4 years old. i am so shocked and dont know what to do..Because of work, he is in another country, we do meet every month ..and he never fail to meet us for all family occasion.I told him , because of children and my love for him, i cannot let this happen, he is very good father to children and never happened like this before. he said he doesnt want to divorce me. later he promised me that he will stop. what should i do..should i trust him again..i really dont know i am so lost..children are with me , i am taking care of them.i do love him.please give me some advice.
I am confused about my own story – – wondering if anyone has any comments…
I am not proud of the fact that I was a married woman who had an affair with a married man. Both of our marriages were in the process of ending and we found each other to be soul-mates.
Excitement, travel, love, laughter – everything we could ever want. We have been together for 7 months but he has been unable to stop texting his wife and recently told me he felt he should be redemptive and give her another chance. Well… he has now moved on that – and the night before our 7 month anniversary he sent me an e-mail telling me how very much he loved me, but it wasn’t fair to me anymore. I am now alone. I love him deeply… but he is unreliable, lies, betrays and is not a good man in general. I feel devastated. I want him back – – what is my problem?
Nothing. Affairs are an addiction. The intimacy shared releases all sorts of chemicals in your brain which can lead to the feeling of being “in love”. The trouble you are encountering is the trouble that many affairs encounter. In a healthy relationship, both parties are “free” to pursue each other and, eventually, build a life together. Affairs, on the other hand, are not healthy relationships. They are built on deception, secrecy and passion. Once that passion fades (not necessarily for both parties at the same time), you are left with a relationship that was not built on a solid foundation in the first place. It fails, as the article above describes. Try going no contact for 60 days. Take time for yourself, analyze your actions. What led to the affair? If you reinvested that energy it took to pursue the affair back into your marriage, could it be stronger and more emotionally fulfilling than it was before? How did the affair make you feel emotionally? Once you take the time to actually analyze your actions, you might find out more about your needs and what you truly want out of your relationships. I also recommend researching the ‘rebound relationship’ and see if it fits the description of your relationship. Either way, no contact will give you time to break the addiction, and truly heal you, which from what it sounds, you have not given yourself the time to do.
My story is little different. I am with my husband for 8 years. His ex – who is 10 years older than him had made effort to come back to him almost every year when we were dating. Till we are married only he successfully block her contact.
However recently mid this year she found him on social media and start contact him too. And they having affairs – then he start to blame & start with how unhappy is his life and how unbearable I was as his wife.
And he move out from home. At that time I already suspect because that women.
But he deny it till 2 months ago I found out.
He always said that he dont want that women because she is too old and he was back to home 3 time but then still cheat with her.
It make me wonder may be what they have is true love
We had a wonderful son together . The situation is very devastated to me.
I also found out she came on to my husband because she broke up with her partner. ( not sure for how long)
I was hoping she is mature enough not to destroy my family- my son life and his life.
She is very selfish. So do him.
I never understood their relationship.
Emma,
See part of my story below. It is very difficult being on the other side of your situation, I am a wife that was cheated on by my husband and he did return back to me. We have a history together and sometimes no matter what they say, they still love their wives. Most times when married men cheat, it’s because their wives are rejecting them and they want to replace that empty feeling or rejection. Or simply, they want some excitement that has been long lost from their marriage. But let me share with you that when a spouse has an affair and the betrayed spouse discovers it, their world is shattered. I have been through a very devastating 2 years and am now starting to rebuild my marriage. I know how much in love you must feel, but those feelings are there mostly because you were going through a bad marriage and found someone else to replace him. I just don’t understand why you chose to have an affair with a married man. My husband’s affair was with a married woman as well and he told me that not once did he ever thought of leaving me for her. When I discovered the affair, I did all that I could to convince him to leave my home, but he refused and kept the affair going. It finally ended with her getting upset because he wrote her a no contact letter. She revealed to me some parts of their affair that I did not need to know and it really hurt. The pain a betrayed spouse goes through is like no other pain in the world and it takes a great deal of time to heal from it. My advise to you is to move on with your life away from this married man. If you think you want to save your marriage, there are a great deal of people on this forum that can advise you on what you should do. If you do not want to save it, then get a divorce and move on with your life, but don’t go back to the married man, have pride in yourself. If you haven’t already done so, register here and get the help you need to survive this.
Hardtostay
As comforting as it is to read through all of these stories, and know that I am not alone in the crazy emotional roller-coaster my fiance’s affair has caused, I haven’t seen a story very similar to mine.
My fiance and I have been together for 8 years not. I have 2 children (12 & 10) from a previous relationship, we lost our daughter to SIDS in 2007 (she was a month old), and we share a son together that is (5).He has always treated my older children like his own, and has never thought twice about providing for them whatever they may need.
Our relationship became serious very early on. Within the first couple of weeks he was spending the night at my apartment every night. I knew he was married, but separated for months from his wife. She had left him for another man and moved out of state. During the first few months I would discover that he had been talking to her, as well as sleeping with her ( I just found this out last month at our couples therapy session!!). He has always been verbally abusive somewhat, and I suppose I should have ended our relationship years ago, because no woman, or mother deserves to be treated the way I was year after year. Throughout the past 8 years he has always told me how much he loves me, even to the point of crying and begging me to come back when I’ve left him. Until I found out about the most current affair, I seriously thought he loved me more than anyone ever could, almost to the level of obsession. We have had ALOT of ups and downs, hard times, and good times.
Sick of being treated like crap after I did everything for this man except wipe his behind, in 2011 I cheated on him with one of his friends. The affair between us was mostly emotional on my part. We had amazing chemistry and could talk for hours. That’s how it was for weeks before we actually slept together. The affair didn’t last long, but after an argument with the man I cheated with, which took place in front of my fiance, he exposed our affair to my fiance and showed him the text messages between us. He then posted the text messages on Facebook, along with my full name to basically humiliate me because I embarrassed him in the argument we had (He was extremely cocky and had an ego like no other).
Well, here we are, 3 almost 4 years later and I find out my fiance of 8 years has been sleeping with the same women, at least once a week (“Sometimes every 2 weeks” like that makes it any less hurtful than once a week..) for the past 6 YEARS!! Of course, he didn’t admit this to me. He received a blank text from “a man he works with”. I immediately thought this was strange and something wasn’t right. So I asked him the next day who it was and he told me it was a girl he was talking to – but never slept with, while we were separated. He said he told her the day before she text that she had to stop calling because we were back together. That wasn’t good enough for me, so thankfully I had written down the number when she sent the blank text (he was in the shower) . I text her and asked her to have respect for not only a mother and her children, but also for herself. Boy, did that set her off! She text me back and said “It’s about time you found out, 6 years later”.
In a different mind set, on a different planet almost, I carried on a short conversation back and forth with her. Whom wasn’t very hard to insult due to her poor grammar and legibility. But at the same time, my true mind was.. just.. stunned! To say the least. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, like someone had their hands around my throat. I didn’t cry at that point, yet. I was SO angry!! Ironically and unbeknownst to me, he was on his way home from work early “because he didn’t feel good” while these text back and forth were happening between her and I. I heard his truck and immediately ran in the bathroom and locked myself in. I thought he was home because she told him that I had text her. I sat there on there bathroom floor, fumigating, numb, and wanting to just choke the life out of him. I finally came out when she said he had just text her on his way home and asked if she was home. I flipped out and screamed at him, I don’t even know what I said. He told me it was only about the sex, because we didn’t have it often enough. (Which I admit to being true, but never thought it would result in this). He told me one of them would text each other to see if they could meet up, he would pick her up, and they would have sex for 5-6 minutes (I believe the 5-6 minute part). Then he would drop her off. He said they never talked about anything and they never kissed. I must really be an idiot for believing this!! He said that was why I never found out, because they were only together for 15 minutes at the most. I stopped asking details about the sex because it made me sick. Although I think of new questions I want to ask almost every hour of each day. Eventually the anger turned into sadness (close to the emotions I felt when we lost our daughter), then came the next phase of grief/loss, which at the time I thought was an amazing breakthrough on my part, and turned out to be a false sense of inner strength.. it was denial. All I can say is WOW! This phase was almost like the pain I felt from the anger and sadness put together (When I realized it was denial, that is). For a day or two, after a lot of tears, and apologizing/promising it was over on his part.. I felt an amazing sense of calm. Like everything would be o.k. We were already in therapy, so this may have actually been a blessing and curse to actually bring us closer together, and make our relationship stronger than ever. Well, that feeling was short-lived. As I was transferring a bunch of paperwork that had accumulated for the past 8 years, It seemed like every document, every piece of artwork from one of the kids, every birthday/anniversary card reminded me of the affair. I broke down and have yet to get back up. That was about a week ago. Since then, EVERYTHING I look at reminds me of the affair and how he saw this woman week after week for 6 YEARS. That’s all that continues to play in my mind what seems like every minute of every day. 6 YEARS! 6 YEARS?? 6 YEARS!! EVERY WEEK FOR 6 YEARS!! It’s like a record playing in my head. I swear this is living hell, torture.
I have been a stay at home mom for the past year, with very little work history, no college degree, and no friends or family to help me. I feel as though I’m stuck in a sense. Like I am being forced to just deal with it. And in his words “Just get over it”. I hate the stress this is putting my children through. They see mom every day with red, swollen eyes from crying so much. I know they can feel the agitation and hostile energy between their father and I. I just don’t know what to do, or where to turn. I’m an emotional wreck. As much as I would love to believe him, again, and work on building trust in our relationship, I can’t stop searching the internet for answers. Will he see her again? Does he love or care about her? Does she love him? Is it possible for a man to really cheat just for sex?
To anyone who was kind enough to read my story in it’s entirety, and can relate to any of these feelings, I wish that we both are able to achieve peace of mind, and strength to get through this. Any comments are welcome, even constructive criticism lol.
Brave,
I want to start by letting you know that I too have been through what you have, only my husband of 16 years did it for 2 years with OW he met at work. I can only tell you that I know exactly what you are going through, it has only been 9 months since I discovered it and the pain does subside and life somehow does go on. I have been going to a marriage counselor with him, but that did not work because from day one, they told him to end his affair and he never did. He lost his job last month which is why he is no longer seeing OW, but I know for sure that if he was still at work, they would still be together. I called you brave, because this is what you must now be BRAVE. I have a 10 yr. old and she was the one that discovered his cell phone with pic and text of his love for her and believe me, this broke my heart more because I would never had exposed her to such devastation. She sees me crying as well, but for her sake, we are trying to save this marriage, but at times I am afraid that it is too late because there are times that I hate him more than I love him for doing this. An affair is a selfish act from the person committing it because there is a price to pay, and usually it is the spouse and children that pay for it. I know, I am doing hard time for a crime I did not commit, pain, financial lost and broken dreams are my prison, but I know that there will be a time in my life that I will be free from this and you will too.
Hang in there brave but not stupid
Hardtostay
when married men cheat its because its something new, and exciting, this causes a rush of energy and most times make the marriage better,(in the mans eyes) Your husband loves you, or else he would just leave, consider this as his release and nothing else, that other women is just a vagina…. its that simple, their relationship would never last through any real problems,,(like urs has and will) its a dream. nothing more nothing less.
Most married men cheat, ,,,, it bites but its true, its how we are programmed, and any man that denies this is not being real to their self.
Brave,
I read your comment in its entirety, and can understand everything you are going through as I’m going through the same thing myself. Sometimes I think the pain and anger will destroy me. The pain is Unbearable. On a good day I can not think about it and go on with my life, on a bad day I can hardly function.
The only thing That gives me some peace is prayer. Here’s to hoping all of us going through this can heal.
Wow. You have describe my nightmare to a tee… My thoughts my emotions my endless love. My life seems to be a joke as I am the wife of a controlling husband Oh and don’t forget I’m one year older than my selfish little sister who decided that not only did she want what I had as a child as a teen bit to no avail she had an affair with my children’s father, my life, my husband. My sole mate. I don’t talk about this at all as my heart breaks daily in disgusted with the thoughts daily every hr every min. I nearly ended up dead from an overdose twice in a two week span.. I almost lost my life. My boys my children. Geez oh peet I wasn’t clearly thinking. How in the world could I let myself get so wrapped up in my mind to be so selfish… I’ve tried to analyze every situation. And I still don’t come up with a clear answer for any of this powerful dream I’m still dying inside of..So ill get to the story and tell all from the very first day i met him.
I was 20 years old a single mother of a 2 1/2 year old little boy. My mom was watching him and me and my sister were hanging out headed out of town to go shopping at the mall. Before we left town we stopped by the carryout to get some snacks for our ride. When my sister Kim walked out of the store hopedin the truck and said don’t pull out yet there’s a good looking guy about to come out and he’s hot and looks like he’s totally your type. I laughed put it in reverse and then stopped suddenly. Daing he was so good looking I knew right then it was love at first sight. I had her introduce us although she didn’t know him. I got his number. Whoot whoot.. He had the most amazing smile he was so handsome. I actually waited a week before calling him. I didn’t wanna seem like a looser. He was a bit conceited,even questioned my not calling right away as he felt the attraction same as me.. It was love true love. We dated for a few months moved in together a within 4 months. Soon after I became pregnant with our lil boy. We were the happiest couple ever. He had 2 boys and a daughter ranging from 3to7 he had the kids alot and well at my age I was overwhelmed with kids and just having a baby and adjusting to our joined family’s and our new baby. I could say I got a lil on the depressed side. Postpartum Depression to be a fact. We started arguing about stupid things and our relationship was in turmoil. Although nothing we couldn’t work thru. Soon we fought all the time. He decided to move to his grandmas house for a few to give me a break with the kids our son was now a year and a half. I realized. I was 2 1/2 months pregnant two days after he left. Realizing I was sleeping alot and now knew why. He wasn’t so ready to come back to quick as I had said some mean things. And don’t ya know. My sister would call hi. Up invite him to the bar with my worst enemy… I’m at the hospital with my aunt she had breast cancer and had one of he breast removed. After leaving the hospital I started having cramps and the most awful pain. I was walking out of the hospital with my mom my baby’s and in the process of miscarrying 3rd child. And in the meantime my man is at the bar partying with my sister and eventually leaving the bar with my worst enemy from highschool. I lost my baby that night. A little life was inside me and I will never forget the feeling of being alone that miserable night. So the next day my sister tells me what he did. I confront him he says nothing happened I practically had to force it out of him that he got a oral sex. And that’s all and had I not have been so depressed and hateful he wouldnt have left At all. And he knew if I thought he was with somebody else I would be driven to crazy love him once again. Ha WHAT A JOKE!! At that very moment I told him that if I ever found out that they had sex that I would sleep with an ex that was in the navy and when he returned in 4/5 years I would do him like never before. As many times as he did her. He however promised me he did not. Even swore on my children.. That’s probably why I never got to see my baby’s face or hold it. Yet being young and stupid. I forgave him and went on to later have another lil boy in 97.Matt had ask me to Marry him several times. I suppose that deep in my heart I felt lime he didn’t love me the same as I did him. After being proposed to in front of his parents on Xmas day I said yes and off to Vegas we went. Night before our wedding I ask him for the truth and said that I could move on and either Marr him or go have a blast in Vegas or go home sad and alone. But that I should be my choice as to marry him after the lie I felt he was still keeping inside. And I don’t want any lies or baggage going in to our Forever happily ever life.. I came from a divorced home my mother raised me. I valued my marriage as I do my children’s lives. I also told Matt that if I found out and I made him look me in the eyes and I told him that if I found out he lied I was still going to do the navy guy I used to date…. He looked me directly in the eye and told me He loved me. And to please never bring that up again as there was nothing to say.. Nothing happened. I promise and swear on our children… Im at a loss of words. Feb14/98 I got lied to by the man who was suppose to protect me love respect honor and obey. Words I took seriously. I however tan into that girls best friend at the thanksgiving day parade. I offered her 300 dollars to tell me what she knew… And well that’s when my heart was handed to me. I called my sister and she made some calls. I went home handed Matt the recorder I said you new the consequences and how dare you try to control me without giving me the choice as to weather or not I still wanted you
it’s not nor was it your call. I said I do for a lifetime based on a life of indefinitely. I got ready pretending like I was going to have a time of my life.. So here it is Navy guy me my sister one of her old guy friends.. And yes i did it. 3 times just like he did although tears roles down my face and my thoughts were at home realizing im so ashamed feeling as though I didn’t have a choice I forced myself to do this. It was the most disrespecting thing I could have ever done to myself. Just felt wrong. Morning came I picked up the phone called home Matt could hear my tears as I sucked my crys back I hung up the phone. And called back a few sec later. He said Babe is that you. Speechless just sobs. I said how could u do that to us. He said come home come home. I will never say a word.. I love you. It’s all my fault I should have told you. So I went home… That was 98. Now this is April 2014 he tell me that in 2000 He slept with my sister 2 times. And that it was a mistake. Honesty in numb
can’t think straight. It’s disgusting.. She admitted it. Won’t say she is sorry. I went to her store where she works called her names. She called the law. Sad thing is me and he were so close we did everything together she new me better than anybody I know. As much as she and her kids were around I feel as though I was going on for 2 years not just two weeks 2 times. I can’t eat sometimes I can’t breath. He says drop I wont say anymore. I did however get up in the middle of the night about 3 in the morning and passed him on her road. He said he was driving by her house she was in bed and he was out late hoping she would give him an excuse to get in my house without me tripping. I went on to her house cried my eyes out to her told her I knew he was sleeping with somebody and ask her if it was her. She acted offended and tired and said how dare I say that. Now I fi d out that he had just left her house and I was standing in the very room that they made love in!! I’m trying to get my whit’s about me and the strength to leave a love I never really had. Sorry for my story being so long. I needed to express my thoughts.
I am married since 2005, and my wife and I are blessed with two kids.Last year december 2013, i was playing games on my wife cell phone, coicidentally, there was a message that came through, stating that I love you so much, and you make me happy, how are the kids doing. I confronted my wife with the news, she reacted defensively and she said she did not know the person, may he might have gotten her number on Facebook. I asked if we could destroy her sim card, so that she could get the new number where the person cannot get access of her number, we did that and we deleted her facebook profile.I decided to forgive her and we moved on, but i warned her that if it ever happend i won’t tolerate it. In 2015 October, i went to work, apparently, when i got at work, there was a protest,so i was denied entry,i immediately returned back home. I decided to use public transport that day,just for your insight my wife is unemployed, so she would be at home most of the time. When I arrived home, i could hear that my wife was on the phone, i decided to wait outside and listen to the conversation, i could figure out she was talking to a man on the phone, telling him how much she loves him and how she misses him, i waited until conversation was over, then i knocked and confonted her immediately demanded for the truth and the number of the caller, at first she was hesitate to disclose everything, i told her that i could only forgive her if she tells the truth, she told me that it was that men we once fought about last year, she knew the phone by head,so decided to phone him in may this year when had some differences. I wan to divorce this women, i have already informed both families.However, her mom says i should forgive her for the sake of the kids, what do i do, but i lost trust and feelings for her
In the e nd, is thi s going to be a common problem couples in marriages face. Infidelity, if not right away but at some point of the marriage?
I’d say in my own findings 80% of spouses cheat.
Maybe marriage is over rated in this day and age.
What’s the use of even getting married if thIs is the probability.
Why is this becoming the norm.
T,
Thanks for taking the time to read and make a comment.
You say that your findings indicate that 80% cheat. Just wondering how those findings were compiled. Most reputable statistical results indicate significantly below that percentage. If one were to only consider observed numbers on forums like ours, most often populated by those seeking help to save their marriage in light of their spouse’s affair, 80% might be a pretty clear number. Real statistical studies don’t usually come up with anything near that number, however. The reason they don’t get those kinds of numbers is probably because of a lot of reasons that include how marriages not in trouble seldom seek help for problems like infidelity, the fact that no matter how many marriages any of us encounter in any manner, we will at best still only experience a small percentage of all marriages and a list of reasons likely to be too long to go into here.
I think that the merits of being married, including advantages when it comes to such things as long term health, financial well being, having children who tend to prosper and live more fulfilling lives are all good enough reasons why marriage might still be an option worth considering.
If it is becoming the norm, that is because society tends to normalize it. We promote infidelity in books, television programs, movies and other media. We now have websites dedicated to helping people have affairs and even finding someone to have one with if time or social skills are lacking to find someone to cheat with. I know many who are outraged at such things but my outrage is that so few are outraged by it.
If you are not yet a member of our forums, take a look around and consider registering and participating in our discussions.
My husband has been having an affair with a coworker for 3 months now. He was mentoring her and one thing led to another and it is now a full blown affair. At first he would stay at work late and go off with her somewhere else but when I insisted he needs to be home around 6 pm, he started afternoon rendevouz’s. I know because I followed him one afternoon. He meets the woman immediately after she gets off work from teaching at 2 pm. He is a salesman so he can easily lie about his whereabouts. If you go to her house between 2 and 5 or 6 pm, he is there. Sometimes he even parks in another area and walks to her place so his car isn’t spotted. Many of his office colleagues know about the affair as well. I’m friendly with one of the coworkers. My question is, how long do I put up with this crap? I’m completely disgusted and feel disrespected. Our sex life is average but I’m sure it’s not as frequent as what this tramp is giving him. I have a mild illness and I’m getting tired of his cheating. I’ve suspected he’s cheated before. The woman in question is around his same age and attractive, but so am I. She is newly divorced. What kind of woman has an affair with a married man knowing his wife is ill? My husband is not wealthy, so it’s surely not his money. My husband and I have been married 30 years and have 2 children in their 20s. I think they suspect something as well. Will this run its course or is it time for a divorce? If divorce, then I may hire a private investigator for concrete proof.
Sue,
It sounds to me like you have investigated enough to have no doubt as to what he is doing.
Whether you are inclined to divorce him or wish to try to save your marriage, our forums are filled with those who have been through very similar crises and come out stronger for it. Some have restored their marriages while others have left that chapter behind. Please register and join the discussions already running or tell your own story to seek advice, ask for support or just to vent your emotions, which I am sure are prominent in your daily life right now.
I’m married and met a married man when on a business trip last month. I was not looking for anything, and neither was he. We’ve both traveled for a long time for work. We were not alone during most of the time we spent there, as he had other co-workers around. We all had dinners together and such. We had one evening alone at the end of our time and exchanged email and phone numbers. We have stayed in touch for the past month every day. I cannot imagine not having him in my life. I have no idea what will happen from here but I know that life is short and I’m going to make sure that each day counts! I love you.
Sorry that I didn’t approve your comment sooner, but I wanted to be sure I could respond in some way rather than just letting it sit without comment.
I’m not going to try to convince you that you aren’t in love or at least falling in love with this other guy. You might be.
I would ask you to consider whether or not you have an obligation to your husband (and he to his wife) both of whom were probably promised that they would be loved, honored and cherished.
I have never believed (at least not since I was a wee lad) that love is something magic or that happens to us by some mystical or outside this world force. Love, (the feeling) to my way of seeing it, is a reaction to our circumstances and simple stimulus provided by certain people. It is a chemical response in our brain, the part that doesn’t really process data very well, but that is where we tend to make our choices and decisions in life.
I’d like to suggest that you register for our forum and have a go at talking about this relationship with folks who have been on all sides of the equation. Our members include people who had an affair, those whose spouse had one and a good many who simply wish to help marriages survive and thrive and become a source of happiness for those involved.
OK, so here’s my situation….. I met my fiance last year, she swore that she never cheated on her X husband. Since the truth has come out…. The real problem is this, she continue’s to travel out of town with the guy she had the affair with, they work together and travel is part of their job duties. She swears that nothing is going on and that she will never do it again. I’m lost and confused about this…. Any advice?
Steve,
I would probably not feel safe as long as she continued having any contact with him and traveling together would drive me nuts.
Of course that’s just my opinion.
Why not register for our forum and seewhat some of our members think about it?
I don’t want to give any one false hope but sometimes they do return home. Over twenty years ago, my father had an affair and left my mother for the OW. He divorced her and quickly married the OW. It was one of the worst times in my life. My mother went through hell for the first two years before finally she improved. I saw first hand the mental anguish that both parents went through. During my father’s midlife crisis I at the age of 15 became his only confident. I watched the craziness that he went through. The things that he said, the things that he did, all were just completely out of character for him. The only way I can describe it is that they completely have a mental break down. I saw it in his eyes. He even once talked about killing himself. Thank god that never happened and I begged him not to do it. I pray for everyone who has gone through this and is watching someone that they love go through this. Now twenty years later, I have suffered the same outcome. My now ex husband husband divorced me and three months later married his affair partner. He has lost everyone dear to him. His oldest daughter no longer talks to him. All his kids have lost respect for him. He has lost many friends and they have isolated themselves in order to protect their fantasy life.
By the way, my father after three to fours years of this crap, divorced his OW and returned to my mother. Now he lives with regrets and now tells me that for him that part of his life never happened. He has swepted under the rug and plans on keeping it there. So yes, sometimes they do return home but it takes awhile. He was only married to the OW for a little over a year. The fantasy turned out to not be what he expected. Real love, well that seemed to be the better choice for him.
Now for me , I don’t know what will happen. A big part of me wants him back but I also know that he isn’t that man any more. That wonderful guy that I was married to for over twenty years no longer exist. So I’m moving on knowing that I deserved to find happiness and I’m not waiting. I also know that if (and that’s a big IF) the man I married ever shows back up (and I don’t have someone else in my life) then I’ll have a hard time deciding on what to do and a long, long, long road ahead of me.
Bo, Your not alone in this man. Same story as mine. Although it has been closer to two years since discovery of the affair and she is getting married to her affair partner next month. The affair partner has an impressive resume, except for he is ugly and looks like a pug. I have learned a ton over the two years man. I promise you will come out of this feeling normal again. Date online. There are tons of hungry women out there looking for a real relationship. Reading you story it is an absolute guarantee her affair is not going to work out. When she is alone she probably will reach out to you. listen to Keith Urban you”ll think of me. One you get healed from all this you will probably have the time of your life. I did for some time, then met a wonderful loyal women who holds me high. The fact is your ex wife is incapable of true love. the initial intimate romance love, sure she is, but to truly care for someone the rest of your life. She is in no form. You didn’t do anything wrong. Its character on her part and that’s what is missing. That is why until she hits rock bottom she will never learn. All her reasons are BS. There are a million reasons to cheat and none of them are good. She has to learn to love herself before she can love someone else. Clearly by her selection it is a clear cut she doesn’t love herself. She will do it again. don’t you dare take her back she will do it again. She would have to be by herself for years to learn to love herself. Man think about it this way if you got in a car accident and were severely disabled or came down with a terminal illness think you could count on her to be at your bedside or would she go for another man? You don’t want to married to that man. Find a loyal woman there are plenty out there. What is your responsibility is you can sit here a mope for years or you can do something about it. Hit the gym read relationship books and come out a way for fit husband for women. I have watched guys go down the drain turning to alcohol or swearing they wont trust another women. You think a women that has been cheated and left by husband feels the same way you do? Well you aren’t going to find her unless you keep yourself out there. There is women out there that feel and think the very same way you do. Its your job to find her. don’t make the same mistake and go after the same like similar women to your ex wife. I haven’t heard a single tune from my ex wife and I play it in my head the second their marriage doesn’t work out. which it wont. I will feel like I have some form of redemption and closure from it, but I’m starting to lean towards that will bring very little closure. I made out like a bandit in the divorce monetarily wise and it didn’t seem bring much closure or satisfaction to the pain I felt. your best answer is time. In time it will all seem like a distant memory Google affairs on ask Susie. That website helped me cope the best. and keep reading stories online a million people feel the same way you do right now.
My wife left me for one of her good friends boyfriend. She was 31 and he was 22. We were together for 14 years and married for 9. I never saw it coming. We do not have kids because we both wanted to adopt. We always got alone and had a great relationship until he came into our lives. I never noticed it until after she left. It got to the point where she seemed like she just did not want to spend time with me, just her friends and constantly in the mirror plucking gray hairs and doing her makeup, all she wanted to do was go out. She left me for broke while moving 3 hours away to the beach with him and started buying boats, houses, things for his.. get this his moms car he drove. 10 months later a new truck. I hired a PI for the divorce and actually caught him running around with another girl while she was away within a month and a half of her leaving me. See him on all kinds of dating sites constantly. I have a good relationship with her dad and I showed this stuff to him and once notified her about it which she still refused to believe. I loved her and still care and thought she should know about it. I still hurt and it has destroyed my life. I dropped the case out of feelings toward her, took nothing, just let her go while I struggled. I have moved on in ways but still feel like it has taken from my everyday life (personality) and some trust in any future relationship. I have read so much on Affair love, tried to understand it better for my sake!! Tried to understand if it really was something I did or did not do. I have no problem meeting women but I just feel like this experience has damaged me from a decent relationship right now, I don’t know maybe it’s too early. I just seen a person who loved and adored me completely write me off from her life like I was never nothing to her when I basically lived for her. Sure I had plenty of opportunities to hurt her with another but I never once acted on it because I knew in my heart that it would crush her and I truly loved this girl with all my heart. Her last email to me was back in Nov saying how she realized no one will ever love her as much as I did. I ask why did she leave me the way she did with the intent of destroying my life, taking the money, dogs and everything good in the house when she realized things like this? I see her pictures with him and cannot help but think why is she still with him when it is so obvious what he does and when I was always faithful and loved her like no other could? Why after 14 years, never breaking up, never an argument that lasted over an hour, 6 that I can remember…why did she all of a sudden treat me like I never meant anything to her? hates me, just want someone who was so good to her out of her life? Come home and the house is raided of the good and left with the bad. Money was never an issue as she did real well and I own my own business which was growing and getting bigger everyday until the depression of going through this hit me and has never recovered. We had a lot of close friends, her bestie was married to my bestie. She worked hard (never a question) and did drive me to be the best, she was one of the best ladies I or anyone has ever known. I don’t even see good in her anymore. She is with some pot smoking, pill popping, record for stealing and drugs momma’s boy who is taking advantage of her. My question is; I’m pretty sure I’ll will be fine in the long run, I’m better off without her that I know but that does not mean I have forgot or do not care about what happens to her and I’m not forcing anything on her just for my knowledge. Will she one day realize that what she is feeling is infatuation and that she is trying to buy his love? It’s been 10 months, and at first I did what any other crushed husband does and that was harass the hell out of them but eventually moved on. My family loved her and they were close, treated her no different than any of us but she has never picked up the phone to talk with any of my family since this happened. Will she one day pick up the phone to talk with them? One day realize she gave up true love for what (I) see as infatuation? and I know that is only my opinion and not what she thinks! It boils down to; I know it’s her life and I am no longer apart of it, she makes her own decisions and has to live with it, I understand I will be ok but it does not mean that for the ones who go through this do not want to understand better. From the time this first began I heard lie after lie from those I never imagined. I have lost my closest friends and have had to create basically a new life with new friends because of the feelings, really it was good because I found that some were not really as close as I thought. Unfortunately for those who go through this will find it to be the same. I would just like to know for those who have been through this; how long before she realizes who she hurt and what she did, what she is putting up with? How long before the honey moon is over? It’s been 10 months, I just have so much to say to her and I am out to prove to not only myself but to her that she made a huge mistake, I want her to see that, it’s my revenge. I am building again but it’s just in the back of my mind and what drives me. It’s selfish and some would not care for it but you better believe I want that phone call to see how I’m doing because that’s when I will know she is having regrets. If it never happens than so be it, at least I had a huge motivation behind me. I do want to see her happy but I want her to find it the way we did when we met, not by hurting another friend and falling for some mommas boy looking for a free ride! With all that being said; I feel almost confused at times wanting her to realize what a mistake she made but also still caring for her. I still worry about her though I shouldn’t; being bipolar runs very very deep in her family and I know people have tried to talk with her and disapproved but realize as I do that she is a grown woman who makes her own decisions. This I have come to except and realize there is nothing no one can say or do to change her mind. What is done is done and I know I have to completely move on but still crossing the paths of the places we went and people in our lives never let the mind rest of what use to be and I can guarantee you no matter the amount of success and happiness I find I will be praying that that phone call comes in. At least I will know she is having thoughts or remembering what true love was all about and hopefully needing it in her life again from someone willing to give her what she deserves. I don’t care what anyone says; there is nothing wrong with caring for someone from a distance.
Three years in a relationship, full of lies and manipulation, a complete narcissist, I dumped his arse after catching him for the third time. So after nine months of him having an emotional affair with her ( her name under another name in his phone, talking to her all night in his truck) he even still says now he didn’t sleep with her, but did stay at her place overnight when he should have been coming home to me. As soon as I dumped him, he went straight to her and they are having a wonderful time! I actually feel sorry for her, because right now she thinks she’s won the prize! But give it a few weeks, months, whatever, she will get the real man, and it ain’t pretty. I feel sorry for her husband who she is going to divorce for him. Bet the poor bloke hasn’t got a clue what’s been going on. The funny thing is this pair actually suit each other! They are both liars, cheats and manipulators! Hell, I’d love to be a fly on the wall for that one! I actually feel lucky to have dodged a bullet! I am running so fast in the other direction it’s not funny. Worst thing is, I have to see him occasionally at work. But when I do and I look into his eyes, and he is still wearing the same necklace that was a special momento of ours, I know he’s not over me. What a disaster for him and his new bird! She’s very stupid for a university educated woman! Good luck to them, I’m flying free, doing what I want, and I don’t need some lying manipulative controlling man telling me what to do anymore! Eek! He even wanted to marry me? What a load of rubbish, constantly future faking to keep me by his side, but nothing ever came of it. Just lies and more lies. Oh, and when I spoke to his ex wife, wow! I found out what he did to her! I’ve gone and had blood tests, just to make sure I’m ok. I told him that too. He was horrified ” but I didn’t sleep with anyone else while I was with you! ” he says, yeah right. If you’ve given me anything mate, I will turn your balls into a purse! It not fair when you give your whole heart and soul to somebody, honest from the start, and they can’t be honest with you. He may have made the decision to cheat, but he had no right not to give me a choice. It’s my body, my health he’s playing with and that’s not right. That’s not loving and caring for someone. Oh and he’s sorry, yeah right, only sorry he got caught. He wants his privacy at work, but everyone knows what he’s done. He prances around like a five year old, and people look at him and think, your just a dick. He is so self absorbed he doesn’t even notice it! I have my good days and bad days with this, but I know as time passes, I will get better, and I know I deserve better. He knows I don’t have anyone else at the present, and that makes him feel good, and I know he can’t stand the thought of someone else being with me. The day I do have another man, and I mean REAL man, I will make sure he finds out about it. Right now, I don’t want anyone. Not even a shag. I’m just not that kind of person. I know what I’m looking for, but will heal myself from this disaster so I can go into the next relationship, healthy, confident, and with my eyes open!
Hi, well here is a different perspective…I am having and affair with a married woman. I am a single dad and have in the past said no to any advances by any married women, there has been three in the past year. Having an affair is a human condition not a gender condition. This time I can’t put my finger on why I said yes. Before it became intimate i brought up questions about what she is potentially giving up, that you can’t unscramble an egg. We had known each other and been friends years ago and had written letters to each other in our twenties, now we are fifty. I had always wondered about her. I am in a very good place in my life and am very content with or without company.
The affair wasn’t about sex for me,( there are lots of lovely single women around) more about connection.
Those questions about how could you betray your husband and kids?
Maybe her benign life of servitude wasn’t fulfilling. She has four older kids, 15, and 19,20,21. One son at 20 who is ADHD and physically violent, all of them still live at home. She has diligently managed and been the matriarch of the family and the glue that holds them together. I guess her balance was out…yes what about her life., Her husband has moved out and there is no difference.
Relationships do run their course, and are dynamic. Humans aren’t labradors who sit by your side waiting for affection. I have asked her does still love her husband? she has been with him for 22 years. I feel for him but also want to slap him up the side of the head and say why didn’t you act like a man and look after her, instead of treating her like your servant. Oh, he is a good person just relationship naive.
Anyway she is so done and so doesn’t want to be there, she is willing to relocate 2000 kilometres to be full time with me. Do i see this as long term..forever thing.. well time will tell. I have seen plenty of relationships begin differently and still end. Right here waiting is right, it is about CHOICES. I also think it is about self awareness and knowing oneself. Never forgetting that we are all just humans navigating our way through a world that is complicated. So to all .. I really hope you get through what ever it is you are going through. That happiness is within you and not dependent on another person.
That looking after yourself allows you to look after others better. That looking after your body and mind will make your relationships better.
Just accept that people are fallible and that things change. and to never never never give up fighting for what you deserve. and never accept anything less than you deserve. Be strong and practice resilience. Ciao
You really believe everything she tells you?
It’s common for a cheater to denigrate her spouse and uplift herself in order to justify what she’s doing. She’s probably exaggerating and giving half-truths. Just remember, if she’ll cheat with you then she will cheat on you.
Nice comment just here waiting. Happened to me recently. My husband’s excuse for his AFFAIR what I didn’t do. Or did do. But I was going with needs unmet too . And that was my exact thought. Why didn’t he just tell me. He waited till someone else came along and abandon me and my mentally challenged son who almost died when everything blew up. I’m here no money scared car broke down in country and Noone to help me. I never thought he could be so heartless after 13 years. He goes to someone he ran away from years ago. I want to be happy too I want to have fun. By the way it’s been a lo g distance. I have spent this entire relationship waiting. And when I can travel with him. I get replaced. He is pathetic.. I don’t have anyone to lean on. It’s bs excuses.
Very confused, so sorry about your situation. While the cheater almost invariably blames the betrayed partner, the responsibility for their choices lies with them alone. You can’t make someone have an affair! It’s their own poor coping skills–or just plain selfishness.
You will need some support, and maybe some advice, during this difficult time. Come join our group at Marriageadvocates.com. You are not alone.
You could have just read one of the above comments from the females because they say the same crap. I just got off the phone with my British wife. She wouldn’t give me any sex for ten years. We were in Japan and I met a Japanese woman who was just wonderful and fell in love with her. It didn’t ‘just happen’ – it happened because men have needs and they have to be met just as females do. In the end my wife found out, told my supervisor, and then I wound up getting fired and she took my two kids to England (after screaming at me for about three months, and I mean screaming). But its always the man’s fault. Right. If you’re in a seriously unhappy marriage – get out and get out now. Ladies are favored in the courts so you’ll be just fine.
Formerfather,
Wondering about your screen name. Is it really possible to be a former father? Or you conveying that you’ve renounced your children as well as your wife?
Your story is tragic because your bitterness could have been avoided had you a) addressed the very important sex issue with your wife and a professional counselor (or did your resentment pre-empt any such effort?) or b) taking your own advice: get out of your unhappy marriage by having the decency to divorce your wife rather than replacing her while still married to her.
Finding a new love doesn’t seem to have had any effect on your emotional state–your anger and bitterness are palpable. I hope you will see a professional to help you work through that so it doesn’t sour your new relationship as well.
That is a bunch of BS the courts do not favor women. Every women who did not do what their husband wanted is not favored so you need to stop generalizing.
Hi i just wondered what people thought of my situation. I read frank pittman view on romantic affairs.
My partner of 8yrs has left me. I found out 8weeks ago that he was seeing a girl 14yrs younger who works with him for a week (i had a gut feeling as he was different for a week so checked his phone). We have 3kids together and i am pregnant with baby number 4. We were happy still intimate and just bought a new house so i was completely shocked. He is throwing everything away for this silly girl, they have now been living together for a week in a rented flat that they got together. He has hardly seen kids and this was a man who would have done everything for his kids Doesnt phone or txt to see if kids are ok or ask me about pregnancy. I did force him into moving out as i couldnt take it anymore, but he has also given up his parents and siblings as none of them want anything to do with him. Is this sort of relationship one that would last? I know he was stressed and has suffered depression at times throughout our 8yrs……..i didnt want to give up hope as we did everything as a family and we were so happy to be having another baby. Since he moved in with her i have stopped all contact with him as he had never showed interest in contacting me? What else should could i do in this situation?
Your situation is heartbreaking. I hope you have a good support network of family and friends to help. It is important that you get legal advice to protect your children. You don’t refer to your partner as “husband,” so you need to know what rights you have concerning support, but certainly he needs to provide for the children. It wouldn’t be wise to take his word that he will.
He is isolating himself. He’s alienated his family, and presumably they want nothing to do with his affair partner. So the two will live in their little fantasy for a time, but it will most likely implode at some point. Most affairs do. In the meantime, you owe it to yourself and to your children (including the babe not yet born) to first and foremost take care of yourself. You are probably upset enough that eating and sleeping have fallen by the wayside.
One thing you could do to break up the affair is exposé it to this girl’s husband (if there is one) and/or her parents. If you know her name you can probably find her on Facebook to see the names of relatives. Hopefully, they would react the same way as your partner’s family has.
If you’d like to get more information from people who’ve been in your shoes, check out the forums at Marriageadvocates.com. There’s a lot of support and practical advice there.
I have never posted a comment online before, let alone to one of these sites. I also found the article very interesting & comforting to know that most affairs do not work out due to the very nature that the are based on, deceit, lies & mistrust.
A couple of weeks before my husband & i went to NY (I’m from Australia) to celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary I discovered some emails he had been sending to a work colleague. There was nothing to suggest that they were having an affair but there was clear flirting on his part. I was more annoyed that he was emailing her from our house outside of work hours from his personal email. He assured me that they were just friends & nothing was going on & if I have trust issues with him that is my problem!
Anyway, we came back from our 2 week holiday where we had good & bad days. However, after our first week back the arguements continued (me accessing him of an affair etc) & I told him to move out because it was too hostile. I told him that we need time apart & depending how we feel in a couple of months we should get at least 1 counseling session to try & save our marriage given we have been together for 12 years. He said his mind was made up & it was over & that counseling is a waste of money!
Anyway, through her Facebook entries & his location from the phone records it seems evident that he has moved in with her already!
I’m finding it hard to deal with the fact that some “innocent emails” a few weeks earlier could turn in to a full blown affair less than a week after returning from our holiday. Who moves in together this quickly?
His ex cheated on him & his father cheated on his mother for 7 years & he always said to me he would never put anyone through the pain that he or his mother went through. I trusted him 110% but his behaviour & constant lies gave him away.
I admit this is probably the worst year of our marriage but I can’t see how cheating will solve anything. He is 42 & I’m wondering if he is going through some mid life crisis. He had a career change a year ago from a trade of 20 years to a corporate environment & bought himself a Harley Davidson (without consulting me) & I think all this attention he is getting at work (normal to those used to corporate but not someone used to working in a male dominated field) & how cool he feels on his bike has gone to his head. He had a bike in his 20’s & I’m wondering if he is trying to hold on to his long lost youth.
To top it off the other woman is not attractive at all & is rather butch looking but she has youth on her side (she is 30 & I am 43).
I could go on…….
Hi Katina. I’ve been married for over 22 years. In November/December 2009 my husband dropped the bombshell that he had an affair on me 10 years ago which he said nothing happened. He met this young woman through work as a fitness coach when he was doing private home training with her. One thing led to flirting and he said nothing happened. They got as far as getting naked and that’s it. It’s happened only on two occasions. He stopped all contacts completely with her shortly after that because he said he felt guilt and he loved me. He told me he was forced to do it because it was the time that I was not sexually intimate with him (which I reminded him I was sick to do anything like that at the time). Looking back, that’s the time he also started to become experimental with me sexually. I couldn’t express to him my confusion or my thoughts about this because he constantly reminded me it’s only normal for married people to experiment to spice things up. He also said that he wasn’t blaming me but because I neglected him that he started to wonder. Anyway, I ended up forgiving him and he thought his confession was enough without being consistent in proving to us that he was trying to better our marriage. He left me wondering with my own thoughts and unanswered questions in my head because he didn’t want to talk about it, he just wan to move on and forget about it (as he put it). As he said, it’s been 10 years ago. And my reply to that was, well it’s only recent to me. A few months went by I ended up telling his mother what he did in the hopes that she would help me find a way to move on and because I couldn’t talk to my husband. She used the information against me almost a year later and told my husband. He got so mad that I told his secret that he told me he can’t trust me again. I asked him what did I do so bad that he couldn’t trust me? Anyway the table turned and I ended up tying to prove to him that I could trust him that when he introduced a young woman 16 years younger (he’s 42) into our family and friends, I befriended her that I started to notice he would compete for her attention even with his own best friend who is single. I couldn’t say anything to him because I know in the past when I would suspect something he’d dismiss me and make it sound its nothing. Or he’d say it’s all in my head and I’m causing trouble. My husband is charming and charismatic the best of time, especially when he can get something out of it, or when he wants something. People like him and look up to him because of his profession. In 2013 he left and abandoned the family and the marriage without a word nor explanation to me. 2 months prior he got withdrawn and irritable (which I put down to tiredness because he’s always tired), 3 weeks prior to him leaving he’s so agitated that everything I said was wrong including our kids. That dreadful day, he managed to get me out of the house to meet with him for movie and dinner with friends and to meet them there which was unusual as husband and I would always go together. After over one hour of waiting and no one turned up, I came home to all his things and office equipment gone. I was lost and bewildered to say the least. I asked the kids and all they said were “he said he is gone and never coming back”. I must have been in shock because I didn’t cry. I just sat in the middle of our bed not being able to move. I checked our joint accounts the next day and all were closed which then meant I was left with no money except the weekly wages I was getting from my own work. I found out 3 weeks after, he was living with our mutual female friend and they moved in together. I fought with myself whether to expose them or not for 2 weeks. To which someone said to me “what’s the worst thing that can happen?” And that’s when I told both of them through text message that I know. I gave my husband a chance to save our marriage and to work it out with me. He didn’t reply to my message nor did she. 2 weeks later, they came out with their relationship. My kids and friends found out. It devastated them because my husband told our friends and family there was no one else, that we have been unhappy for a very long time. No one believed him except his family, especially his mother. 4 months after his abandonment, they got engaged. Now 7 months into it, we are still in the process of settling our property and I have found out they’re planning on getting married soon and now starting a business together as well. Perhaps a family soon too. I believe this is one of the fantasies he wants to fulfil. An itch he can’t scratch. I believe he thinks he has found someone who he is compatible with, she is someone he should have married. I also wondered if he is going through mid-life crisis (which is just a poor excuse for bad behaviour). I thought buying an expensive Harley motorbike would suffice the itch but noooo….he had to take it one step further and complicate our problem with another affair. He told me 2 months after he left that he didn’t have an affair with her, he left an unhappy wife who is hateful, unloving, cold and uncaring. I told him I was unhappy of the situations he keeps putting our marriage in, like he keeps sabotaging it when things were staring to get good. I haven’t spoken to him for about 5 months now. He has tried to text me but I have not responded to his messages as I have barred all calls and text. I don’t want to hear his voice nor do I want tot see him, because if all he wants to talk about is property settlement, we have solicitors for that. I also don’t want to talk to him because I’m tired of hearing every excuses, lies, and the way he is rewriting the history of our 22 years of marriage. It still hurts. I am still emotionally see-sawing all the time. I don’t deserve the way he treated me, the way he left me, the lies he told to rationalise his bad behaviour, especially the coward way he decided to “fix” our marriage. He disregarded and forgot the fact that we were best friends throughout our senior year in high school together. And now he tells my 19 yo daughter “at my age when you know, you know” after she asked her father “don’t you think it’s too soon?”
The marriage advocate said this kind of relationship won’t last. Here’s hoping. But how about this kind situation where he is so 200% sure he found “the one”? I hope it’s all worth it because he’s gambled a lot for an uncertain outcome.
Going through this as well. Married for seven years, have seven children, and he told me about a month ago that he’s been seeing someone. They’ve been together for three months now total. They are 100% together now. I would like to salvage the marriage, just because with the influence of alcohol, I don’t think he is genuinely happy. That’s what I keep telling myself anyways. And I feel like I’m just waiting for him to get bored of her and want to come home. It’s this normal? Am I crazy? Will he ever come home? He isn’t seeing the kids, a few minutes a week if that, missing their events, and I know that’s not him because his kids were his life. As was I. I don’t know what to think anymore, and my family is getting sick of me because I just keep wondering when he’ll come home.
I’m in a similar situation. Has your husband come home? My husband started his affair just a week or so before our son was born. I confronted him about it when my son was almost 3 weeks old. So the affair had only been going on for about a month. We were going to work on it and went to a counseling session, then he decided he didn’t want to give her up yet. Then we went to another counseling session because he wanted to work on us but then again he decided he didn’t want to give her up. I asked him to move out. He sees the kids a few ours a week. He doesn’t seem that happy and I suspect the affair is more of an obsession. He says he doesn’t know what he wants. He’s trying to “figure things out”. I want so badly for him to leave her and come back so we can start working on our marriage. I think he’s going through some sort of midlife crisis.
Oh ang
Im going through exact same situation…….I found out about him under a week into the affair we had just bought new dream house and i at time 5months pregnant with baby number 4, right now having contractions. He moved out to live with her after 6weeks and they have been together total of 4months….I think its a midlife crisis as well he is 40 she is 25 . He loved kids spent all free time with them and me now only sees them 4hours on a sunday…..also just told him ive started contractions his reply hes not going to be there and I have an attitude he hasnt contacted anyone for update on labour or anytbing. He has lost his whole family as well as everyone is on my side. I just wish he would wake up and see what he is throwing away
Wow, there really is “nothing new under the sun”. I also went thru the same thing. Just when we seemed to have everything to look forward to, a beautiful new home, and a 6mth old, I discovered my husband was starting an affair with his young student. I caught him less than a week after they started texting. We also went to counselling and he said he didn’t know if he wanted to save the marriage and had to think about it. I gave him time in hopes he would see the value of our marriage. He kept that “indecisiveness” up for months while he continued to see the girl. He denied it, but it was easy to figure out because he left evidence around, and everything about him changed (midlife crisis…regression to early 20s). We have since separated, and looking back, I now know that his game of “I don’t know” was just to avoid the reality of separation, because he knew I was hoping for reconciliation. He wanted to keep the marriage for social status and have his mistress on the side. He didn’t want to face the backlash from his family for leaving his wife. He didn’t want to move because he really liked the house, and the convenience of seeing his kids when he wanted (tho he NEVER HOME!) HE had no intentions to change.
“So you want me to Cook, clean, look after 2 very young children by myself all day, every day & spend my evenings alone while you go out & date, shop, eat out, come home so late it’s early again & ignore me in front of our children & then expect me to pretend we’re a happy family when it’s convenient for you so your family/friends are none the wiser but wonder why I look so down? Um…no thanks!!!”
One day it hit me…if I’m living & feeling like a single mom, I may as well be one, & spare myself the agony of worrying where he is (tho I know) and what he’s doing (tho I know). My X was very angry when I insisted we sell the house & separate…2years later I feel MUCH HAPPIER & SLEEP BETTER~no more garage door opening in the wee hours of the morning.
To anyone going thru this, I recommend the book “Tough Love” by James Dobson. If your spouse really wants to work on the marriage, they will be decisive about giving up the other person and put all their effort into it. They should have their own plan to regain trust, you shouldn’t be dragging them along. “A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still.”
I am going through the same thing. My husband had an affair and it ended because she died. It has been six months and im still an emotional wreck. At times I don’t kknow what to do.i go from being ok one minute to being depressed angry hurt the next. I want to save my marriage but it’s hard because im questioning yhe last ten years of my life. I have no idea what is truth and what was a lie. I see him trying but I don’t know if I will be able to open up and trust him ever again. Btw I have never cheated. Been faithful gor ten years.
Laurie,
I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve gone through this. This is a very difficult situation. Many of us here at MA have dealt with similar circumstances. What are you doing to help yourself through this time? We have an online peer counseling and support discussion board that you might want to consider.
Trusting again can be one of the biggest hurdles to overcome and success takes time.
Warm wishes!
Hi Laurie. I hope that by the time you read this that your marriage is getting stronger. At least your husband is still with you wanting to work this out. See this as a blessing. If I had my time again with my ex, I would set boundaries with my husband that he should allow you to discuss about your thoughts and concern openly to help you heal. And for him to avoid being alone with any woman without another male person or you present. He needs to tell you his plans up front and when to expect him home to help build the trust. Do not use this to be controlling, but purely to build honesty and respect back into your relationship. The worst thing he can do right now is to leave you with your thoughts and feelings by yourself to shift through it alone in your head as our imagination can be our worst enemy and can conjure up ideas or situations that may not be even happening. Only he can answer your questions or doubts or insecurities that maybe lingering in your head. Don’t be afraid to ask the question or say what you are thinking and feeling. Once he has helped you explain it, thank him and move on. He needs to understand that if you are to ever want to save this marriage that you BOTH have to be there for each other and he needs to remember that he put you in this feeling of uncertainty and inadequacies in the first place, so he has to be present and in the moment with you if you are both ever going to get through this trial in your marriage. And always remember to have room to forgive one another. All the best.
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Wow!!! I have asked myself all those questions and wondering if I was crazy by the way I was handling it and feeling…my day goes up and down…anything can set it off!!! I never thought I could feel so much anger,pain and hate towards my husband…and then there is the LOVE…Is that normal? I am so confused…and another fact is that I just was overcoming my battle with breast cancer and then I find out about his affair…cause I need more shit!!! So like I said my moods vary throughout my day…can you tell me that is normal…its only been 3 months since I found out about the affair that ended 3 years ago? I tell him it ended for you years ago and it just beginning for me…Is that normal also?
Kathy,
What you are feeling is normal and typical. Even things that might have once been great memories will suddenly feel as if they were all lies.
As you have already discovered, it is that you have no frame of reference for his affair other than a general time frame. He has all the details while you have none of them. You mind fills in the blanks around the information you have. So what you remembered before as being a great birthday party for one of the kids, you now wonder if his being late was because he was with her. Until you get enough details to stop that sort of filling in the blanks, the blanks are what will consume your thoughts
Consider registering for our online forum community. You might be surprised to find that a lot of other people are in the midst of or have previously experienced things remarkably similar to what you are going through. You don’t have to deal with it alone. Though none of us are trained or licensed counselors, we come from almost all walks of life and collectively have pretty much been there and done that.
To join our forum click this link: https://www.marriageadvocates.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php?ubb=newuser
It’s a pretty simple process and doesn’t usually take very long, though approval is not automatic. One of our staff will approve your submission as soon as possible.
Welcome to Marriage Advocates.
Mark
Kathy
Your story is so familiar. I was three years into my cancer recovery when I started to notice changes in my husband, distant, evasive, more contact with a co-worker and then she moved next door to us and became our neighbour, they worked shift work say no more He left me leaving a letter on the bench and emptied the house while I was at work. I went to hell and back, that was three years ago. We are now divorced. I can only say that time does heal if you want it to. there are days I still grieve for the loss of my 27 year marriage, there are other days I enjoy my new life and new experiences I make myself have. I am in the process of re-inventing myself FOR ME. Loosing weight, new hair style, new glasses, and a new trendier way I dress now thanks to a lot of caring friends. You too can move forward and begin to enjoy and love life again. All the best.
I love this and the other articles on here. Such a wonderful resource. A complete departure from much of the pablum shoveled on other sites and places.
The whole either/or faulty logic. It seems that because of the emotional trauma and damage it is also assumed that healing from that requires a sterile environment where messy thoughts and ideas are considered poison rather than a tool for healing.
Too bad. I may be delusional but I have faith in people. I believe that there are many that are capable of having some real solid self reflection and identifying weaknesses co-exist very well with the real, valid, understanding the choice to cheat is ALWAYS owned by the one that makes it.
Yep, affairs are selfish events. What is so often missing is that selfish event may be the only self centered choice that person has made in their life. If someone is a real novice at the whole self centered vs self involved/selfish core concept (yeah, Archer), it’s no surprise in the narcissitic fog of pain they miss the mark of healthy self centered protection/salvation by a country mile opting instead for the soul suiciding, ether haze of using another as anethesia or a floatation device.
Thank you for this site and these amazing articles. Lot of talent here!!!!
Thank you, Elle. We try our best to be a helpful and educational resource for those in need.
I also agree about affairs being possibly the one self-centered choice someone might make over the course of years of marriage, whether that being denying their need for affection, caring, more mental engagement, more time alone with their partner and not just being a parent-figure constantly. Then, after being found out, it can swing back the other way so they are controlled by guilt (and their partner). They’re then eager to sweep it all under the rug, make the problem (lover) disappear, without looking at the big elephant still left standing in the room.
This is a really helpful overview of the variety that can occur with this horrible situation. Having recently experienced something similar myself, I felt like my world was crumbling. I was determined to save my marriage but I respect those who choose to end it too. Infidelity is a truly awful thing that no one should have to experience.
I am going through this heart breaking event in my life right now. I am choosing to want to save my marriage. I am curious how it is going, Kim
Hi Nicole, how is your marriage going?? hope it got saved!!.
Hope.
Well, I’m a member, but haven’t been here in awhile. This is a good article. My husband is still with his trashy girlfriend. Every day I wake up I’m still amazed that he left me for the highschool [Beep!] from over 20 years ago. Not to mention she was a [Beep!] in his neigborhood too. I have a question and a concern and I think others might have this question too. My husband was sneaking around for over a year with her before I finally got it out of him that he was seeing someone. I find it hard to include the time he was with her while I didn’t know. I don’t see how he could invest much into the relationship with all the sneaking around and lying and stuff. It seems like he couldn’t really invest much time into the relationship until after he left me so I don’t even count the year he was with her without my knowledge. Any thoughts on that? Anyway, he left me last Oct so it’s been almost a year now since they are 100% together. However, I don’t feel any better. In fact I’m worse because I know the holidays are coming up and I dread it.
its been two years and my ex husband left me for his tramp and they were married last month. And get this, he was planning the wedding before he even filed for divorce. I am so devastated, humiliated, and broke. this man i loved sold all the stock paid all his bills off and still left nothing nor paid me the cash and equity he owed me from the stock. this woman even taunted me by saying her man and i need to let it go. how when he took everything. i do not understand how you can live happily ever after from destroying another. tell me how that is justice.