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Relationship Statistics #114086
05/31/11 08:23 PM
05/31/11 08:23 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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Lil  Offline OP

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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
A comment about rebound relationships got me interested in relationship longevity.

I am going to research the topic and link the studies and articles here.

Probonson.com
Quote:
TOPICS COVERED: Okay, what's not here is a page-long list of the rates of divorce around the world. Yes, we have those, and we're giving you a few of them. But the truth is that divorce rates are too easily quoted, too inaccurate, and most importantly too often misunderstood. (For a discussion on that, check out our Marriage/Divorce analysis page.)

What is much more interesting to us is the how, why and when divorces occur and that is what this memo is about. In Longevity of Marriage . . . , we look at how duration of marriage effects the likelihood for divorce. In Factors for Divorcing, we list a few of the factors that increase the likelihood of divorce, as well as the reasons people have given for getting divorced. Then, finally, we've got divorce statistics for the U.S. and internationally. (And if you're still just desperate for more on divorce rates, the reports in the footnotes include them, as do tables mentioned in the Sources page).


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Relationship Statistics [Re: Lil] #114098
05/31/11 08:32 PM
05/31/11 08:32 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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Lil  Offline OP

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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand

Last edited by lildoggie; 05/31/11 08:34 PM.

AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Relationship Statistics [Re: Lil] #114147
05/31/11 09:44 PM
05/31/11 09:44 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,407
Not quite here
Squeaky Tree Offline
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Squeaky Tree  Offline
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Posts: 5,407
Not quite here
Interesting Lil...

I think this is so so important.

My M is a rebound relationship, I'd only been split from my fiance a month when I started seeing J. (I was dumped) He'd only been split from his fiance a few months too (we'd both been with previous partners 5 years) - he caught her sleeping with someone else.

J was most things my ex wasn't. According to his mum, I was everything his ex wasn't.

It's been a real battle to get to where we are, from day 1.

It can work. I can't say if I had my time again I'd do things differently because of my 2 beautiful children....

but I would certianly put anyone else off having a relationship until they are happy with who they are and their single identity.


Married 22years (this year) ~13y since dday(?)
DD17 DS14
Which way do you like yourself? ~ Stosny
Re: Relationship Statistics [Re: Squeaky Tree] #114226
06/01/11 12:56 AM
06/01/11 12:56 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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Lil  Offline OP

Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
My M is not a rebound, but I did bounce into a relationship within a few weeks of leaving my ex. It didnt work out. Neither did the one that very shortly followed.

It wasnt until I have been alone for nearly a year, that I met Flick. We seemed to have done ok, except the A and the fact we were both unrealistic about marriage.

This is actually a topic I have been interested in, but unmotivated to look into. When I was on MB, I believed in and chanted the set of stats that were given there. Actually for a long time I thought they had been done by MB. However I gather they're actually from Shirley Glass. I guess I should track them down and post them to here as well.

Any way, I remember how very important stats seemed to be to me when I was a BS. I notice they still seem to be important to BS's.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Relationship Statistics [Re: Lil] #114237
06/01/11 01:21 AM
06/01/11 01:21 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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Lil  Offline OP

Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Relationship Statistics [Re: Lil] #114650
06/01/11 05:29 PM
06/01/11 05:29 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
B
believer Offline
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Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616

Last edited by believer; 06/02/11 01:07 AM.

"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Relationship Statistics [Re: believer] #240342
06/16/12 03:05 AM
06/16/12 03:05 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

Member
Lil  Offline OP

Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
In the book Private Lies by Dr. Frank Pittman, a summary is made of several reasons why second marriages between persons involved in an affair very seldom succeed.

Generally it is noted that disasters are inevitable when people use romance to jump from marriage to marriage without a rest stop between. Dr Pitman says that there is something inherently doomed in those marriages that begin as marriage-wrecking affairs.

He noted that in his practice while over half the people who get into romantic affairs end up divorced, only one-fourth marry the affairee. It is likely that over three-fourths of these affair marriages end up in divorce. He says that there is a greater likelihood that the divorcing partner will be back with the original spouse in five years that that the romantic affair will be a stable marriage at that time.

He gives 12 reasons for this phenomenon:
- Intervention of reality
- Guilt
- Disparity of sacrifice
- Expectations
- General distrust of marriage
- Distrust of affairee
- Divided loyalties
- The nature of infidels
- The nature of affairees
- Romance
- Scapegoating the betrayed
- Unshared history

Out of 100 couples, (Pittman's sample in his book private lies)
He said 50% of affairs couples divorced.
But, only 12% (12) actually married OP.
And then 75% of those failed (12*.75)= 9
Thus only 3 married betrayers are left

These are the defects he lists for marriages between the spouse and the OP.

1) The intervention of Reality: Divorce in these marriages tends to take place very early in the marriage. During the affair, the infidel and perhaps the affairee are in a state of intensely stimulating unreality. The second marriage itself seems to be a 'switch' that throws the lights on and illuminates the mess that has accumulated. It is as if the romance had seemed real, while the divorce didn't. Only after the remarriage did the divorce become real enough for the lovers to see that it was all a horrible mistake. The affairs that become marriages typically were so intense they were never questioned at all. During the divorce, reality never set in sufficiently to let the romance be evaluated and questioned. The romance was so romantic on one ever got around to asking if it was sane.

2) Guilt.. People who have wrecked a family have inflicted much pain, and they have a lot they could feel guilty about. As reality sets in, they see many things they were overlooking. They may have felt no guilt during the affair and divorce, and the guilt they feel after the romantic marriage may come as a surprise to both of them. It is generally assumed that people who dont permit themselves to be happy must be feeling guilty about something and are unhappy as a way of punishing themselves for their misdeeds. One aspect of guilt is the reluctance to enjoy ones ill-gotten gains. Another aspect of guilt is the urge to return to the scene of the crime and in some way make amends. As a romantic newly-wed resists the joys of the ex-mate who was deserted so blithely, the new mate can feel disoriented and betrayed.

3) Disparity of sacrifice... Divorces are expensive luxuries. Whatever the financial cost, the emotional cost is far greater. Anyone after losing that much, will be drained, exhausted and depressed. It is particularly difficult when the exhausted survivor of a debilitating divorce marries the triumphant winner of the struggle. If the romantic partner is marrying for the first time, and especially if the courtship has been treacherous and insecure, the new mate will be ecstatic. A new couple may feel a disparity in what had to be sacrificed to bring them together. The partner who has never been divorced may have difficulty understanding the complexity of emotions toward the previous family.

4) Expectations.. Then there is the feeling that anything that cost this much emotionally had damn well better be worth it. The greater the sacrifices, the greater the expectations from the new marriage. Now that the promised land has been reached, it should flow with milk and honey. But instead, the new couple are just 2 tired warriors with no fight left in them. Whatever these people were expecting, the best they are likely to find now is the ordinariness of real life, the dubious peace between glorious battles. The more people enjoy the battles involved in wrecking and escaping marriages, the less they are likely to enjoy the business as usual of the new marriage that was the destination of it all.

5) General Distrust of Marriage.. Of course, anyone who has been unhappily married is likely to develop a strong distrust of the institution of marriage. People whose marriages fell apart during affairs are likely to end up distrusting marriages rather than distrusting affairs. People who distrust marriage have a very hard time being in one.

6) Distrust of affairee..It might seem appropriate for someone to go out with them, or even to marry them, but not quite appropriate for someone to have an affair with them. Affairs are considered dishonerable acts, and people who feel guilty for having affairs believe that they are dishonorable and their partner must be dishonorable too.

7) Divided Loyalties..During the affair tnd the divorce, the romantic couple isolate themselves. It is not only the betrayed spouses who are erased from awareness, but also the children, the families, friends, anyone who attempts to pull the romantic couple from the quicksand of their affair. But after the remarriage, there may be a longing to reestablish connections with families and friends and this may be more difficult than expected. Each close relationship and some that were amazingly casual may have to be renegotiated in view of the hurt caused to others.

8) The nature of infidels.... People who get themselves into affairs have some specific characteristics that must influence the course of their subsequent marriages. Each kind of infidel is different. Most of those who end up marrying an affair partner are romantics who drift hypnotically through this romantic high without taking much responsibility. Romantic remarriage seldom works, not only because of th unrealistic nature of romance, but also because of the reality-avoiding nature of romantics.

9)The nature of affairees.... Affairees want whatever they want from a relationship, just as everyone else does, but what makes them unusual is that they seek their goals among the married rather than the single. They choose partners who are not in position to marry them, and who are engaging in the relationship at great risk. People like this are clearly angry with marriage, and perhaps with the opposite sex. They believe marriage doesnt work, and they demonstrate that by breaking up another marriage as they find a partner for themselves.

10) Romance.. People who believe in the chemistry of romance dont bother to learn much about the physics of relationships. When the romance begins to fade, romantics know little about how to solve those problems that they have relied on romance to transcend. It is painful to watch a romantic relationship dissolve. It happens so suddenly, and so totally. These people have already demonstrated that they would rather get divorced than learn physics, so it is far easier for them to follow the same pattern.

11) Scapegoating of cuckolds... During the affair and divorce, the romantic couple conspired to convince each other that the defective marriage was the fault of the cuckold. To acknowledge otherwise, now that remarriage has taken place, seems a betrayal of the rescue fantasies that fed the romance.

12) Unshared history... Even if the new marriage survives all of these obstacles, there is one further characteristic of all second marriages: The absence of a shared history that brings familiarity to relationships that began earlier in life. If a romantic marriage has wrecked a previous marriage or two, the history of the relationship is painful to both partners, and possibly somewhat embarrassing to others. The new partners keep thinking about it and justifying it, but it is hard to talk about lightly, in the familiar, safe manner of people who can tell their old war stories without guilt. However intense their commitment, people who share a guilty past are not totally proud of their new marriage.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse



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