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The No Contact Letter #54739
01/20/11 06:59 AM
01/20/11 06:59 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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Lil  Offline OP

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One of the first things a WS needs to do in order to show protection and care for the BS is send the OP an no contact letter. In this letter the WS needs to state categorically that:

-the affair was a mistake
-it caused great pain to their spouse and children (if any)
-they no longer wish any contact in any way with the OP
-any violation of the NC request will be immediately reported to, or shown to the BS
-it is final and leaves no room or requirement for the OP to respond
-it is not a goodbye letter, it is a permanent ending
-should be matter of fact, offer no emotion or expression of missing the affair partner
-it should not lament or morn the loss of the affair
-it should be written in such a way that the BS is happy with it.
-after writing 'ownership' passes to the BS to decide whether it is sent or not. It is recommended it is sent.

After the NCL is sent, any attempts at contact by the OP are to be IMMEDIATELY reported to the BS. This includes: Emails, cards, letters, text, phone calls. The aim is for the WS to provide total transparency so as to give the BS a level of security as to the honesty and commitment of the WS.

A handwritten letter by the WS, is preferable to a typed, or emailed NCL. Some people may like to send it registered mail to ensure there are no 'bunny boiler' style games of pretending it never arrived.

At no time should the WS acknowledge or respond to any attempts at contact by the OP.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The No Contact Letter [Re: Lil] #54742
01/20/11 07:03 AM
01/20/11 07:03 AM
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New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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Example NCL

Dear [put name here],

The relationship I had with you was thoughtless and cruel. It hurt many people, particularly my spouse, who did not deserve to be treated that way. I am committed to my marriage and determined to make up for all the hurt I've caused my family. I am going to work hard to be the best husband/wife that he/she deserves.


Because of the terrible offense to my spouse and the damage I have done to our marriage, I am permanently ending all contact with you. Please respect my wish to regain my integrity, and to heal my family. Please also respect my wish that you not attempt to contact me in any way at any time.

My spouse has all the details of our relationship and he/she will also be told of any attempts at contact.

Sincerely,

[name here]

original here


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The No Contact Letter [Re: Lil] #54744
01/20/11 07:12 AM
01/20/11 07:12 AM
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Lil Offline OP

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Another example NCL

<Other Person>,

I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that <Betrayed Spouse> did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay <Betrayed Spouse> for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she's been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,


<Wandering Spouse>

original here


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The No Contact Letter [Re: Lil] #54745
01/20/11 07:14 AM
01/20/11 07:14 AM
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Lil Offline OP

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3 more sample NCL's

Dear Other Person,

I am writing this letter for one reason only. All communication between you and me must come to an end immediately! If Husband/Wife and I are ever going to resolve our differences and re-establish the trust we once had, you and I cannot communicate with each other at all.

I realize now that I never should have considered trying to find <company name> products for you or even considered selling you my car.

It certainly isn't anything personal, but I'm sure that you can understand Husband/Wife's position on the issue and if you were in his/her shoes that you would feel exactly the same as s/he does.

I love him/her and s/he deserves a 100% effort from me to make our lives together as happy as possible.

I wish you well, and I will appreciate your cooperation in this matter.

Sincerely,

Disloyal Spouse

________________________



To:
I have behaved in a selfish and inconsiderate way that has resulted in much pain to both of our families. I know that marital reconciliation with my husband is the right thing to do, but will never fully repay the heartache I have caused. I deeply care about him and want things to work out so we can have a family and realize all of our dreams together. To protect him, I have decided and been required to break off all contact with you. All things considered, I think it is best that our families break off all contact as well. This decision, this promise to not ever contact you in any way, direct or indirect, is for life. I am so sorry for what I have done to my and your family. I ask that you respect my promise and never seek to contact me. I will refuse any such attempts to contact me and notify <spouse> immediately.
I am trying to do the right thing and set my family and my life straight. I have been completely honest with my husband about everything. He knows everything. The selfish and inconsiderate damage that I have caused can never be fully repaired but breaking off all contact is the first step towards a rebuilding of trust. I hope that in time you can forgive me.
Sincerely,


______________________________________________

To:

I am sending this letter to confirm for you that I have reconciled with my <loyal spouse.>
To protect her, I have decided to break off all non-professional contact with you. This decision--not to contact you or interact with you in any way other than as required to maintain a polite professional relationship--is permanent and not subject to change. I ask that you respect my decision, and never seek to contact me, or interact with me in any way other than as required to maintain a civil professional relationship. I will refuse all efforts to initiate other than professional contact with me, and I will notify our supervisor <name> immediately of any contact between us, as I have been doing after each and every communication you have made thus far, and I will continue to alert our supervisor to any effort made to initiate additional interaction. I have been completely honest with both our supervisor and my spouse about everything that has transpired. This is essential to rebuild a trusting relationship between <loyal spouse> and I, and I have committed myself to doing so.

I hope that this letter makes clear my position.

Originals here


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The No Contact Letter [Re: Lil] #54764
01/20/11 01:58 PM
01/20/11 01:58 PM
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Ace Offline
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Great letters, Lil.

I have an example of why the hand-written version is best.

We emailed the first no-contact letter after D-Day #3 and discovered later that OW thought I had written and sent it without my H knowing. (For some uncanny reason, he did it without his usual typos and grammatical errors...go figure!)

After D-Day #4, when OW declined to say that she would refuse to respond if my W?H ever contacted her, I melted down. My de-fogging WH offered to handwrite an NC letter (and sign it in blue ink) and we mailed it together with a signed return receipt required from the post office.

She finally got the message that my H did not want to contact her anymore.

That helped me tremendously and 4 years later we are still recovering.

Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: The No Contact Letter [Re: Ace] #55057
01/20/11 09:27 PM
01/20/11 09:27 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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Flick hand wrote out the marriage builder version (example 2 on this list I think) - it was the only one we knew of at the time, and gave it to me. I posted it a while later....about 30 seconds later.

I assume it worked as we have never heard from PQ in any way.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The No Contact Letter [Re: Lil] #116254
06/04/11 08:20 PM
06/04/11 08:20 PM
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 33
Los Angeles
L
Luvless Offline
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can't imagine many of the WAS to write one...


M44 H42
Married 20 Together 23
S19 D18 S16
Bomb Nov 09
EA/PA with 2 diff coworkers
I filed April '10
D final Dec '10




Re: The No Contact Letter [Re: Luvless] #119674
06/11/11 01:33 PM
06/11/11 01:33 PM
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Vittoria Offline
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Originally Posted By: Luvless
can't imagine many of the WAS to write one...

Hi Luvless, I'm wondering if you misunderstand the NC letter???
A walk-a-way spouse (WAS), without a third party waiting for them in the wind would have no reason to write a NC letter to anyone.

The NC letter is written by a wayward (WS) to the other affair person, when recovery with the betrayed spouse (BS) is the goal.

My H agreed to a NC letter yet avoided it for 2 months after d-day. Although he agreed to write the letter, he argued that there was no reason for it since they were 'pen pals, chit chat buddies, met for lunch once friends'.
When he finally did sit down to write the NC letter (the one from Surviving An Affair, like lil it was the only one that we were familiar with) he wanted to stroke many parts out, they weren't 'relevant' to his relationship with 'her'. At this time H was denying an EA and withholding the details of the PA aspect.
In the end the full letter was sent.
I was fairly sure NC was in place since I couldn't verify otherwise and I needed OW to be aware that she was not welcome to contact H. I wanted OW to know that I knew about their relationship. I led this whole NC letter thing cuz I knew that we had a good chance at recovery.
The best scenario for writing a NC letter is when the WS freely offers up sending one, rather than the BS having to guide it.

We went on to recover our M, not without a lot of turmoil first.

edit ..... out M to our M!


26 yrs. married
There's nothing more powerful than a woman with an open heart ......
Re: The No Contact Letter [Re: Ace] #119744
06/11/11 05:12 PM
06/11/11 05:12 PM
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Originally Posted By: Ace
I have an example of why the hand-written version is best.

I agree with this, the bolded.

Like Ace said, it leaves little doubt that NC is being requested from the WS.
Using email, a typed out letter or a text message CAN leave doubt that it's not the BS sending this message.
Then, in turn the other affair person may think that further contact needs to be more underground, since the BS is now onto the affair partners.

Leaving a voice message is weak, the other affair person can claim that no message was ever received.

I personally mailed the hand-written letter by H and sent it registered so I could be sure that OW would indeed receive it.
If OW ever contacted either of us after that, it wouldn't be cuz 'she didn't know' of the NC intentions.
I also kept that mail receipt and a copy of the NC letter in case OW insisted on contact and legal restraints were needed.

You just don't know what will happen and you should not assume that the affair partner will go away quietly. Some do, some don't.

This may seem extreme for sending a message of NC, it's not when you consider that contact can reignite an A quicker than a match to fire,
especially in the early stages of NC.



26 yrs. married
There's nothing more powerful than a woman with an open heart ......
Re: The No Contact Letter [Re: Vittoria] #125563
06/24/11 12:56 AM
06/24/11 12:56 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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Originally Posted By: Mark1952
Why write a no contact letter?

It can be said that unless the person having the affair really wants to end the affair there is little benefit to writing that letter. That is absolutely true as far as it goes. But the premise of this thread is that the one having the affair really does want to end the affair and attempt to restore the marriage. In that context, there might be many reasons for writing such a letter and I offer some such reasons from both sides of the marriage.

The greatest damage to the marriage as the result of an affair is that trust, once usually assumed based on a false sense of love, commitment and values is pretty much gone. The betrayed spouse does not trust the spouse who had an affair but they also don't trust themselves to discern when they are being deceived. If the person who had the affair wants to try to restore the marriage then trust must be restored in order to actually develop the kind of relationship that makes the work it takes to put the marriage back together worth the effort.

So what makes us trust someone who has demonstrated that they are capable of hurting us and ignoring our feelings when they act? An affair demonstrates a lack of empathy in a way that little else can do in a marriage. All of our assumptions, that empathy was present, that our spouse was willing to place our lizard on equal par with his/her own, that he/she would not willingly choose something that would threaten our emotional state, all of these are gone and have shown themselves to be false.

So from the perspective of the betrayed spouse, a no contact letter can go a long way toward restoring a level of trust. It demonstrates a clear choice to return to the marriage and try to fix it and soothes the lizard of the betrayed spouse. It says "I have decided to protect you" by telling the affair partner that the relationship the betrayer had with him or her was wrong, even if it made sense at the time and that real commitment to the marriage is their desire. It shows the betrayed spouse that the affair is being jettisoned in favor of the marriage and is often the first step toward reestablishing trust since it is the first step to remove the threat of the affair partner from the life of the betrayed.

For the one who had the affair it can also have benefit, if restoration of the marriage is what is desired, which I say again, is the premise of this thread. It accomplishes that in many ways not least of which is a move toward a returning to the balance of power needed for the marriage to fully recover. Rather than the betrayed spouse having to follow the betrayer around, verifying every possibility for hidden contact, it takes a step toward transparency that eventually allows the betrayed spouse to relax their vigilance enough for the relationship to stop feeling like jail for either one of them.

Since affairs are so addictive, as is the case with all "young love" situations ("young" applying to the love and not the age of the participants) a no contact letter can also give the one time unfaithful spouse who desires the restoration of the marriage a way to protect themselves from falling back into the excitement and addictive nature of the affair. It helps define clear boundaries for themselves and for the marriage relationship.

Assuming the goal is to restore the marriage, a no contact letter can make a huge leap toward that goal, even if done only half halfheartedly. Yes, contact can be reestablished at any time. Yes if the desire to save the marriage is not real it can be used as a form of deception. Yes it can become a sticking point for those not willing to write one. But if restoration of the marriage is really sought and trust is to be reestablished so that working on the marriage, including those problems that might have led to the affair making sense at the time it happened, then why not offer something that can calm the lizard of the betrayed, help the lizard of the betrayer find resolve and move the relationship toward a renewed balance of power that will be needed in order for the marriage to become what it has to become to make the whole process worth the work it is going to take?

The same can be said for a polygraph. The reasons for taking one can be debated. The validity of the results can be challenged. The reasons to demand one are questionable at best...
Yet refusal to take one is most likely a sign of yet hidden details or events that will likely deal yet another blow to the resolve of the betrayed spouse to taking back the spouse who betrayed them as an equal partner in the marriage.

Ultimately it is this balance of power that must be reestablished for the marriage to become a good one that is good for both spouses. This is what takes place in Gunzbrug's Phase II of recovery. The first phase being individual healing which is part of what the no contact letter or polygraph can help to bring about. Phase II is where the couple starts to heal again as a couple, that is, the power is rebalanced in a way that neither is in control of every aspect of life of the other and neither is seeking to gain advantage that will ultimately prevent real recovery from ever taking place. Like all the rest of this, this too is a process and does not happen magically overnight or as a single event.

A NC letter or polygraph can demonstrate and state without using words that seemed to have little meaning before and during the affair that there is a real commitment to healing the relationship.

This does not let the BS off the hook either. Since the list is meant to address what one person can do that is within his or her control and is not supposed to be an entire strategy for both people to follow, nor is it meant to be a check list to be used by one to monitor the seriousness and commitment of the other, each person has to be willing to work on his or her side of the process independently of what the other might choose to do if the goal is to recover the marriage.

Yes, the betrayed spouse typically has a lot of work to do as well, beginning with acceptance of the one who had the affair back into his or her life as what must become as rapidly as possible an equal partner in the relationship. Ultimately it must lead to forgiveness which is simply laying aside the right or requirement for vengeance. It does not mean forgetting that the events took place since the more emotionally charged any memory we have might be, the more profoundly it is burned into our brains. There are two parts to every such memory, the data or detailed part of the memory and the emotional part which can be triggered by seemingly mundane events when the details or data is accessed for whatever reason. With time and practice, this emotional reaction, which is a reliving of the same emotions as the original event can be mitigated or modified by layering new memories with better emotional content until little emotional energy is expended in recalling the events of the past.

Both sides need to heal, let go of resentment and move toward commonality for recovery to happen. As Al has said, one person must lead for a while most of the time and at other times the other person might take the lead. If both wait for the other to go first, no one moves, nobody leads and therefor nobody follows. If you want your marriage, then you must be willing to lead at some point and assuming the premise of this thread is restoring a marriage after having an affair, it should probably include things that can be seen as taking the lead in order to restore the balance of power to the relationship but also things that simply show leadership in commitment to the marriage.

More is accomplished by asking the question, "What can I do?" than by stating, "Someone should do _____." It's a good time to learn, understand and demonstrate healthy boundaries, which always define our own stuff and never that of our spouse or anyone else.

Yeah, it's probably all a lot of Master Talk, but if you want your marriage, then at some point you need to define what being married looks like, not from the past resentments but from an achievable goal sort of thing. It's a lot easier to sell if the person who has to buy it sees something in it for them as well, which is why the BS needs to work on the BS side and the WS needs to work on his or her own side, at least until some sort of healing has happened and the emotions are not the driving force in every interaction.

Mark


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The No Contact Letter [Re: Lil] #219271
03/30/12 01:37 AM
03/30/12 01:37 AM
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Lil Offline OP

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Interesting concept.

Quote:
...I disagree with Dr. Harley[about no contact letters] only in that I believe it's even better if this speech is given over the phone to the Other Woman/Man, with the betrayed spouse on the other line, unbeknownst to the Other Woman/Man. The reason for this is they can't say they never got the message (letters and emails can be 'lost' or 'deleted) and you can hear every word they say to each other, and know that your spouse did as you asked. The lover can also imagine that a letter or email was written by the betrayed spouse, but hearing the cheater's voice telling them goodbye is impossible to attribute to anyone but the cheater. They can't 'read anything into' it, if your spouse is using the correct words and tone, and you'll be there to hear it. You'll also notice above that it was stressed that the cheater NOT mention that the lover will be missed. That also goes for wishing them well, telling them to take care, or the cheater telling them they are sorry they had to hurt them. The cheater may (and probably does) feel all those things, but sharing those emotions with the Other Woman/Man just reinforces yet again that they are cared for, and feeds into the mindset that the cheater is breaking it off 'against their will'. Why give them anything to read into? It only makes it harder on everyone. My husband's goodbye letter was full of "I want you to be happy" and "I'm so sorry I hurt you" and "you're so beautiful, I know you can find love again"....UGH. I let him say it because I actually felt sorry for the girl. What she read was a letter from a man who had to break up with her but clearly didn't want to because he obviously still cared about her SO much. And the downside was, it wasn't goodbye. Not for months.


no contact phone call

Vittoria's Rebuttal

Originally Posted By: Vittoria
I put myself in the situation had my H suggested that he call OW with me listening on another phone, to covey NC. I would have spit nails at him. Going through my mind would be, 'you want to hear her voice', 'how dare you ask me to listen to her voice or a good bye sweet love sort of convo', 'why do you feel you owe her one last call'. My H wanting to speak to OW would have raised my suspicions of his sincerity to R. That's me and what would be going through my mind.

Is this something that unless suggested by the BS who feels they need this type of NC sent, are we sending a WS into a sitch that would do more harm than good???

Also a voiced conversation is more difficult to control than what is written in a letter. The WS, who may still feel a loyalty to the AP may find themselves in an awkward spot if the AP argues this NC.

Maybe it needs to be worded differently (cuz I understand that a BS might find this turbo NC helpful) ..... something like, 'If your BS needs to hear you voice your NC directly, by all means do so. Keep the conversation focused on the relationship being over, ignore all comments from the AP and keep it short.'

Here

Last edited by lildoggie; 07/31/12 09:41 PM.

AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The No Contact Letter [Re: Lil] #226766
04/24/12 03:56 AM
04/24/12 03:56 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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Lil  Offline OP

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Another NC letter




No Contact Letter to Former Affair Parter - ending affair

<name>,

The time has come to permanently end the relationship between you and me. In many ways this relationship was thoughtless and cruel.

In betraying my marital vows I was untrue to myself, my values, and my spouse. It is also unfair and unkind to you to create a relationship built on causing harm to others.

I have recommitted to my marriage and am determined to make amends for the hurt I've caused and to be the partner my husband/wife deserves.

I am terribly sorry for all the pain I've caused, including to you and those around you. As I said, I was thoughtless and cruel. I hope that you will find healing and peace.

Because of the terrible offense to my spouse and the damage I have done to our marriage I am permanently ending all contact with you. I would ask that you respect my wish to regain my ethics and integrity and to heal my family. Please do not attempt to contact me in any way at any time.

My spouse has been told all the details of our relationship and s/he will also be told of any attempts at contact.

Once again, I am sorry for the pain I've caused to my spouse, my family, and to everyone else who has been affected by our actions.

Sincerely (not love!!)

<name>

here


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The No Contact Letter [Re: Lil] #353654
07/02/14 03:04 AM
07/02/14 03:04 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
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Lil Offline OP

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More Advise For Writing NC Letters

There are two kinds of no contact letters -- the short kind stating your wish for no contact, and the longer, "have your final say" type.

People usually know in an instant which kind of NC letter they'd prefer, and simply begin writing. These letters typically take care of themselves regarding actual content. Once pen is put to paper or the computer is booted up, the process goes relatively quickly for most.

Toxic people commonly lie about what NC letters contain, and wage a smear campaign with the supposed "content". If you think this may happen, you can preempt it by keeping and sharing true photocopies.


We recommend the following process*:


Photocopy your finished, signed letter 3 times. Keep one copy for yourself and give the other 2 photocopies to a couple of trusted family members, such as an honest uncle and fair-minded sister-in-law. (Having it on your computer is not strong evidence - you should photocopy what you have signed and will send.)

Only after you have given the 2 photocopies to the people you've chosen should you mail the original to the person you are stopping contact with.

___________________________


Consider certifying the letter and purchasing signature confirmation for it. The post office offers this service for a very small fee. It enables you to verify on the internet the time the letter was signed for and the name of the signer, so you will have proof that it arrived and was accepted, regardless of any tales to the contrary. Doing this is especially important and helpful if you feel you may experience harassment or other forms of unwanted behavior, because your demand to be left alone is now documented evidence available for any potential future legal proceedings or meetings with authorities.

If you want to, you can make sure the addressee is the one and only person the post office will allow to sign for the letter, by purchasing "restricted delivery". The letter will not be left at the address unless it is signed for by the person you have specified - they won't be able to blame someone else at the house for signing for it and throwing it out, or for withholding it from them, etc.

Photocopying, sharing and certifying your letter also lets toxic individuals know that your intentions are serious, and it serves as excellent evidence that you made it absolutely clear they are not to contact you.



Carrying a copy of this letter in your bag or wallet, along with a copy of the receipt from the delivery signature will quickly enable any helpers, hospital staff, law enforcement, or others who don't yet understand the situation to get up to speed quickly and easily, and it will serve as clear evidence that cannot be refuted with lies and manipulations.

here


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The No Contact Letter [Re: Lil] #445541
05/20/21 09:19 AM
05/20/21 09:19 AM
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Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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Lil  Offline OP

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Bump


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse



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