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***Spouse Competitiveness, Sports & Recreation*** #12316
10/20/10 05:34 PM
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L4 just posted this observation on Jen's thread-killer thread.

Originally Posted by Looking4
#12296 - Wed Oct 20 2010 09:49 AM Re: I declare myself MA's first official thread killer

Boy... We are sure are a competitive bunch, aren't we.


DH and I had a chat about how both us being competitive helped AND hurt our marriage.

Chrisner and I started to chat about sports and how related competition affects marriage relationships.....so I finally decided to start thinking about beginning a thread on the subject.

DH said that he often wanted to be right, even if the results were wrong for our marriage.....for over 32 years. That takes its toll on any relationship, even without the A stuff.

Anyone else have thoughts on this?

Thanks,
Ace


Last edited by crazed student; 12/09/10 03:28 PM.

We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: ***Sports, Competitiveness, Recreation & MARRIAGE*** [Re: Ace] #12592
10/21/10 03:54 PM
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My STBX (and the one before him) *always* has to be right. Even when I point out that he's "right-fighting" (we're Dr. Phil fans), he can't seem to let go of being right. I'll admit to doing it a certain bit myself, and it's usually after stuffing down my annoyance with his behaviour for too long, and it busts out and I get like a bulldog and won't let go.

Not sure what the answer is, unless you can get both people to realize what they're doing, and commit to putting the relationship ahead of being right.


Let me not be so vain to think I'm the sole author of my victories and and a victim of my defeats. -- ze frank
Re: ***Sports, Competitiveness, Recreation & MARRIAGE*** [Re: TACticGAL] #12892
10/22/10 12:51 PM
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Originally Posted by theantichick
My STBX (and the one before him) *always* has to be right. Even when I point out that he's "right-fighting" (we're Dr. Phil fans), he can't seem to let go of being right. I'll admit to doing it a certain bit myself, and it's usually after stuffing down my annoyance with his behaviour for too long, and it busts out and I get like a bulldog and won't let go.

Not sure what the answer is, unless you can get both people to realize what they're doing, and commit to putting the relationship ahead of being right.


Hi TAC,

I think you've set the foundation (emphasis above mine) that describes what my H and I have begun to do. It is NOT easy but seems to be happening gradually for us because we are both working really hard on it. It also involves calmly eating crow often....which, actually, doesn't taste that bad if the end result is peace, harmony and intimacy.

We are both changing our levels of competitiveness, too and I'm hoping that this thread will explore the how/what/when/why this is important in using competition in sports, recreation and other aspects of life to build (not tear down) marriages for everyone.

Thanks for your input.

Ace



We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: ***Sports, Competitiveness, Recreation & MARRIAGE*** [Re: Ace] #12896
10/22/10 01:03 PM
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Yep, yep on the competitveness here-- a lot of our probs were about one upmanship in the beginning and me trying to prove that just because I didn't have a degree didn't mean i was any less intelligent or less of a person. In fact I think that was a huge chip I had - I don't think J was active in that competition... but I felt that career wise I had to go one better than him....

and swimming - I get a lot of satisfaction from swimming because I am better than him....

I'd love to here about competitiveness helping a M, please share

but actually he isn't bothered and he's a much better swimmer than I ever imagined he would be - he's all limbs, he's 6'4 and I'm taller than him sat down - I'm not quite 5'9

I don't swim anymore and I don't have a career anymore and so the buzz from winning is dying....

but I really don't think he is competitive anyway.

Or maybe he's given up competing cos I only compete in my subjects and I always win..........


Married 22years (this year) ~13y since dday(?)
DD17 DS14
Which way do you like yourself? ~ Stosny
Re: ***Sports, Competitiveness, Recreation & MARRIAGE*** [Re: Squeaky Tree] #13026
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Ace...I thought you were constructing a recreation guide LOL I think this thread belongs in "other topics". Mind if I move it? Or would you like to construct something???


"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: ***Sports, Competitiveness, Recreation & MARRIAGE*** [Re: star*fish] #13266
10/23/10 06:39 PM
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Originally Posted by star*fish
Ace...I thought you were constructing a recreation guide LOL

Hi Star....well, I could construct a Rec. guide but that hasn't really crossed my mind. (I'm probably not the best one to create that, though, considering I'm a recovering work-aholic who falls off the wagon often and has to be forced to take time off eek .)

I think this thread belongs in "other topics". Mind if I move it? Or would you like to construct something???

Thanks for asking. How refreshing. smile I would like to try to construct something based on what TAC and Stay have commented on how competition (from sports, recreation or other less expected sources) has affected their marriages. Feel free to put it wherever it might be the most helpful.


I think this topic might involve the ENs of Recreation Companionship combined with Admiration and Conversation. It could be a part of a Growing your Marriage from Good to Great forum, if we were to start one for issues that are related to improving OK marriages that are surviving and building them into marriages that become thriving.

Wives who consider themselves "sports widows" might benefit from several aspects of this topic:

* "Why does he choose sports over me?"

* "How can I want to want to join him in his recreational activities when I abhor everything about it?"

* "What can I do to help us overcome the excessive competitiveness that always seems to ovetake us when we try to attempt sports or recreation together and I end up wanting to quit?"

Those are just a few of the things that might generate thoughts and ideas that I haven't seen discussed here or over there recently.

IMVHO it does involve marriage so it might not be an OT thread. Maybe...maybe not. Is it OK if we leave it here to see if there's anything worth building surrounding the above questions?

Also, I have a poem I wrote years ago that I've adapted for this topic (changed the emphasis from kids towards marriage in addition to sports). I'll wait to see where this lands before posting it.

My DH recently told me one way that competition has improved our marriage that I had not even thought of before (but it's been fun to begin experiencing its effect). dancing :claps: thumbsup

Anyone else have any thoughts on how competition has affected your marriage negatively or positively?

Thanks,
Ace




We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: ***Sports, Competitiveness, Recreation & MARRIAGE*** [Re: Ace] #13331
10/24/10 01:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Sheri & Bob Stritof, About.com Guide

Marriage Lessons From Sports
What Sports Can Teach You About Marriage


Married couples can learn and apply enduring life lessons such as responsibility, respect, and fairness for their marriage from sports. Here are lessons the two of you can learn from popular sports.

Baseball: Keep them guessing.
This doesn't mean expecting your mate to read your mind. It means keeping some mystery and delight in your marriage.

Basketball: Wait for the right moment.
Although you should pick the right time to have a difficult conversation, don't wait too long before having the talk. If you waited 48 hours, you waited too long.

Bicycling: Know when to change gears.
There are times when a decision you made together just doesn't work out. Don't say 'I told you so!' Reevaluate the decision without blaming one another for the mistake.

Bodybuilding: Appreciate the importance of rest and the value of getting a good night's sleep.
Since the two of you will spend nearly one-third of your lives sleeping together, talk about your different sleep preferences and come up with solutions so you can both sleep soundly.

Boxing: Stay out of the corner.
As a married couple, you will have disagreements. Don't hide in a corner, walk on egg shells, or fear rocking the boat. One of the keys to a successful relationship is knowing how to handle conflict.

Camping: Before you fall asleep, make sure that the campfire is out.
Although we don't recommend staying up all night to finish an argument, we do think you should set a time within 24 hours to continue the discussion.

Cheerleading: A successful cheerleader never stops learning and looks for ways to be improve skills.
When it comes to marriage, there is always more to learn and more ways to enhance your relationship. Learn together how to make your marriage a great one.

Climbing: Build better anchors to stay safe.
If you want to have a long lasting marriage, one of the "anchors" should be showing your love for one another on a regular basis.

Diving: Don't balk, almost ever. Don't develop a habit of stopping every time you think something wasn't exactly perfect.
Accept that your marriage won't be perfect all the time, but there are ways to move from a sense of disappointment.

Exercise: You need to set specific goals.
Finances are one of the areas in your marriage where goals are extremely important. Talk with one another about your financial goals, both short-term and long-term.

Figure Skating: Be aware of what keeps you centered.
Even though your volunteer work may give you a sense of joy and fulfillment, if the time away from your spouse is creating problems, you should know when to say no to others and yes to your spouse.

Fly Fishing: Have patience. It is going to take time.
If there has been betrayal in your marriage, in order to heal and to forgive, you will need to give one another time. The healing process does not happen quickly.

Football: The object of football is to get the ball in your endzone more than your opponent.
Don't sabotage your marriage. In order to reach your goals as a couple, you need to work together as a team.

Freshwater Fishing: A GPS is an invaluable tool.
A new woman in our lives, a GPS unit, has a pleasant voice and keeps us from getting lost!

Golf: You're never too old.
As you approach the second half of your marriage, relish the quiet moments of your empty nest home and find ways to enjoy having alone time together.

Gymnastics: Along with strength, flexibility is critical to being successful in gymnastics.
Don't let stress, hurt feelings, unexpressed expectations, and miscommunication ruin your holidays. Keep the lines of communication open between the two of you and be willing to be flexible.

Hockey: A shootout in hockey is preceeded by a two-minute break.
There may be times when you are having a disagreement, that you need to give one another space. We're not talking about a separate vacation in the middle of an argument, but giving your spouse some time to gather his/her thoughts can result in a more healthy discussion.

Horse Riding: After a fall, do a quick assessment and check for injuries. Figure out why you fell off, avoid making the same mistake. There is no way to completely avoid falling off a horse.
If you make a mistake, admit it, apologize for it, fix it, and don't repeat it.

Hunting: Know when to turn back.
One way to know when to throw in the towel on your marriage or to know when your marriage has reached the point of no return is to ask yourself some key questions.
Inline Skating: Know your expectations.
Make time to discuss and fine tune your expectations about marriage.

Martial Arts: Start off in a strong position.
Along with taking a premarriage course, learn about what you can do before you get married to lower your odds for divorce.

NASCAR: You can win without being the fastest.
Taking one step after another as you journey together through life, is one way to stay connected and to make time to slow down.

Paddling: Getting out of your kayak can be tricky.
Dealing with relocating can be tricky, too. Make sure as you make your plans that you share both your hopes and fears about the move.

Paintball: A key to having fun in paintball is to have everyone on the same page.
To make sure you don't put yourselves or your marriage relationship on hold, talk about how the two of you can connect with each other each day.

Pilates: Using a fitness ball challenges you to stay balanced.
Keep balance in your lives by being aware of the warning signs that you may be running on empty.

Poker: Don't bluff just for the sake of bluffing.
If either of you have been dishonest or unfaithful, realize that although your marriage can be saved, it will take time to rebuild trust between the two of you.

Pool/Billiards: Visualize where you want your ball to go.
Don't just dream or think about a caring, respectful, loving marriage. Tell your spouse about the importance of mutuality to you.

Powerboating: Know your boat.
Know your spouse by using these conversation starters.

Rodeo: Rodeo has lasting traditions from its roots -- continued growth -- ability to change while remaining true to the spirit of rodeo.
Personal rituals and traditions can help you reaffirm your love for each other and keep you connected.

Running & Jogging: When you hit a plateau or find yourselves in a rut, don't give up.
Getting out of a rut in your marriage can be difficult. Remember it took time to get in the rut and it will take time to get out of it.

Sailing: Let the sails breathe.
You can reduce stress in your lives by making time to breathe together.
Saltwater Fishing: Enjoy the experience of just being there.
No matter how busy the two of you are, make time for one another.

Skateboarding: Conquer your fears. Take time. Practice. Commit.
If you want to overcome jealousy in your marriage, you need to face your fears about losing your spouse, admit your jealous behavior, set ground rules together, and be willing to seek professional help.

Skiing: Don't always try to go around the bumps.
As a married couple, you are bound to hit some bumps in the road. Talk about the issues. Don't bicker about them.
Snowboarding: Be prepared.
Be prepared to accept that your happiness must come from within yourself.

Soccer: Many folks play soccer because it is a simple game to understand, it improves your physical fitness, and it is fun.
Part of creating a successful marriage is scheduliing date nights, laughing together, relaxing together, and having fun together.

Surfing: Pick a wave that is not broken.
Sometimes love isn't enough. Know the answers to these deal breaker questions before you get married.

Swimming: Once you know water, it can be a fun place to be.
Make time before you get married to discuss these important issues.

Table Tennis/Ping-Pong: Get a grip.
Face it. nagging doesn't work.

Tennis: When playing doubles, pick the right partner.
This applies to your marriage, too. Pick the right spouse.

Track & Field: Gliding over hurdles without breaking stride is a basic skill for runners.
A basic skill to help you get over hurdles in your marriage is communication.

Volleyball: Practice makes perfect.
The more often you share what is in your heart and your feelings with one another, the stronger your marriage will be.

Walking: Pay attention to warning signs.
Your marriage is probably in trouble if you think it is in trouble. Know the warning signs of a troubled marriage.

Waterskiing: Don't overdo it. Be yourself.
Kristin Armstrong's advice to brides is to not "leave their true selves behind at the altar."

Weight Training: Know and understand your body clocks.
If one of you is an early bird and the other is a night owl, your sleep preference differences could hurt your marriage. One suggestion is to make the most of your "overlapping" hours together.

Wrestling: Know what's real and what's fake.
If you think your spouse is lying to you, ask questions and for clarification. You could misread your spouse's behaviors.

Yoga: If you decide to improve your physical fitness through strength, flexibility, and muscle control and concentrate on the present moment, your sex life may improve.
Here are other ways to keep the spark in your married sex life.

by Sheri and Bob Stritof, About.com Guide


Sorry the links seem to have not transferred but you can google <About.com Guide> to follow their specific suggestions.

I don't necessarily agree with all of them but most have solid ideas.

It's interesting what they connected to fly-fishing. My favorites are what they relate to horse riding and skateboarding.

Do any of these relate to your marriage?






We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: ***Sports, Competitiveness, Recreation & MARRIAGE*** [Re: Ace] #13596
10/25/10 03:18 PM
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I'm a little miffed that there was no curling reference. Something about how real men aren't afraid to sweep?

Several of these relate to our M. The boxing one would really raise DH's radar. He hates it when I do this. And he has said one of the reasons he married me was because of the "keep em guessing" part of my personality.....to keep his life from getting boring.


Re: ***Sports, Competitiveness, Recreation & MARRIAGE*** [Re: herfuturesbright] #13602
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Curling?

Curling is a game played with rocks and ice. That's why those silly Canucks are into curling; (And Swedes and Norwegians and Finns) they have plenty of both. (Was that a sweeping enough statement?)

We need TMTS here to weigh in on that, since he is a curler.

I just KNOW the boy would have something to say about curling (and maybe recovery) if we can get him here...

He's the one that taught me that the BEST rocks come from Scotland, BTW.

He also taught me that the real reason to play the game is the same as it is for softball...

An excuse to drink beer.

And I am dismayed that BASS fishing isn't on the list...

'Cause I got something to say about THAT.


mark1952.ma@gmail.com

I Was Thinking...

The secret to having a good marriage is to understand that marriage must be total, it must be permanent, and it must be equal.-- Frank Pittman
Re: ***Sports, Competitiveness, Recreation & MARRIAGE*** [Re: Mark1952] #13611
10/25/10 04:05 PM
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In the 1980's I was an expert in curling.....

curling irons, curling brushes, hot curlers (called hot rollers in the south)

But I guess that doesn't count.

Re: ***Sports, Competitiveness, Recreation & MARRIAGE*** [Re: herfuturesbright] #13617
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HRF,

So you were a competitive curler back then...


mark1952.ma@gmail.com

I Was Thinking...

The secret to having a good marriage is to understand that marriage must be total, it must be permanent, and it must be equal.-- Frank Pittman
Re: ***Sports, Competitiveness, Recreation & MARRIAGE*** [Re: Mark1952] #13635
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Yup! I even have some tiaras to prove it! (sadly, I actually do)

Re: ***Sports, Competitiveness, Recreation & MARRIAGE*** [Re: Mark1952] #13905
10/26/10 12:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Mark1952
Curling?...

We need TMTS here to weigh in on that, since he is a curler.

I just KNOW the boy would have something to say about curling (and maybe recovery) if we can get him here...

Do you have his email address or contact info? It'd be fun to have TooMuchTooSoon here....for more than his passion for curling.

And I am dismayed that BASS fishing isn't on the list...

'Cause I got something to say about THAT.



Well, this is the place to say it, Mark. Seems like the Fishing Thread could fit quite nicely on this page, eh? Great idea!

In fact, please add a few more planks to the above list starting with curling and bass fishing. What other sports have lessons to be learned that apply to marriage?

HRF...LOL on your curling championships...Congratulations. Can we see your tiaras?

Ace



We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: ***Sports, Competitiveness, Recreation & MARRIAGE*** [Re: Ace] #13913
10/26/10 02:01 PM
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Ace,

I have his email but we haven't had any contact in a while. I think Not has been in contact with him recently.

Have you let Laundry Boy know about MA yet, Not?

Mark


mark1952.ma@gmail.com

I Was Thinking...

The secret to having a good marriage is to understand that marriage must be total, it must be permanent, and it must be equal.-- Frank Pittman
Re: ***Sports, Competitiveness, Recreation & MARRIAGE*** [Re: Mark1952] #14495
10/28/10 05:26 AM
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Originally Posted by Mark1952
Ace,

I have his email but we haven't had any contact in a while. I think Not has been in contact with him recently.

Have you let Laundry Boy know about MA yet, Not?

Mark


I went the lazy way and just emailed him this post!!!... grin

It's been a while since I talked to him too. I think W2S keeps more in touch with him. I'll put a shout out to Lala and see if they hear from him.....TMTS doesn't check his the email I have for him regularly, so I don't know how long before he see's it....

Not


" If you couldn't change your partner when you were together, you sure aren't going to now that you aren't together..." Words of the teacher of the court mandated parenting class...and the ONE thing that stuck out to me!!!
Re: ***Sports, Competitiveness, Recreation & MARRIAGE*** [Re: Not2fun] #15370
10/31/10 01:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Not2fun
.....TMTS doesn't check his the email I have for him regularly, so I don't know how long before he see's it....

Not


Thanks for sending this to TMTS, Not. It will be fun to have him here sooner or later.

Ace


Last edited by Ace; 11/02/10 07:16 AM. Reason: second thoughts about personal ID info

We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: ***Sports, Competitiveness, Recreation & MARRIAGE*** [Re: Mark1952] #18368
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Originally Posted By: Mark1952
And I am dismayed that BASS fishing isn't on the list...

'Cause I got something to say about THAT.


Hey Mark,

Is it OK if we 'transfer' early posts from the original Fishing thread here? I'll have some time over the next few weeks and would love to share some of those fishing/marriage nuggats on this thread/page.

If you'd rather we wait until you have time, that's OK, too. But I'm offering so just give me the word and I'll start working on it. cool

Thanks,
Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: ***Sports, Competitiveness, Recreation & MARRIAGE*** [Re: Ace] #18376
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Ace,

I plan on trying to get them here eventually, but I think they need some edits and clean up for here and maybe a couple of rewrites to do away with the weak seque used a couple of times. If you want to take a shot at editing, send me the resulting word document and I'll see if I like the results.

I do need to make sure that references are to ideas that are not totally MB based without the context of what those things mean since people here are not likely to be familiar with those ideas. I should also look at things that have specific context to things going on at the time to see if the analogies still hold up or have lost meaning due to changes in what they discussed.

Wanna tackle any of that?



mark1952.ma@gmail.com

I Was Thinking...

The secret to having a good marriage is to understand that marriage must be total, it must be permanent, and it must be equal.-- Frank Pittman
Re: ***Sports, Competitiveness, Recreation & MARRIAGE*** [Re: Mark1952] #18387
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Originally Posted By: Mark1952

Wanna tackle any of that?


yuk, yuk...uhhhh ....tackle...fishing....marriage....I get it! ROFL

Sure!

Mr. Ace and I will work on it little by little and we'll share our results with you via word docs. It will be great for us to discuss these again, too! How ironic that now that I want to want to go fishing with him, he'd rather play baseball. That's not quite as good an RC activity for interaction but going/coming to/from games (and worldwide tournaments) is a great time for conversation.

Thanks,

Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: ***Sports, Competitiveness, Recreation & MARRIAGE*** [Re: Ace] #32812
12/07/10 02:31 PM
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Originally Posted By: Ace
Originally Posted By: Mark1952

Wanna tackle any of that?


yuk, yuk...uhhhh ....tackle...fishing....marriage....I get it! ROFL

Sure!

Mr. Ace and I will work on it little by little and we'll share our results with you via word docs. It will be great for us to discuss these again, too! How ironic that now that I want to want to go fishing with him, he'd rather play baseball. That's not quite as good an RC activity for interaction but going/coming to/from games (and worldwide tournaments) is a great time for conversation.

Thanks,

Ace


Wow....forgot about offering to help Mark re-edit/move/transfer the Fishing thread from the bowels of MB to the forefront of MA!

Pardon the delay.....

We were at one of those worldwide baseball tourneys last month but DH played 13 games in 6 days so the leisure time I thought we might have to talk fishing/marriage was very limited.

We did, however, talk alot about competition in our marriage and how it hurt us then (pre A) and helps us now.

1) H said that he feels like we are on the same team now.

2) I said that I feel like we are on the same team now.

Why?

From my perspective, it's because we are working on changing the focus of our competition. While we used to aim at "one-upping" each other (I'm right, you're wrong....I'm better, you're worse.....I'm smart, you're not.....ya get my drift), we are now competing against different concepts:

1) Who we used to be.
2) How we used to act.
3) Why we used to need to win in the little things.
4) When we used to have the urge to feel good by making the other feel badly.

The key for us is now WHAT!

What will make my spouse and our marriage better in the big picture of competition?

Here's an example:

We traveled around a 20 mile radius of what used to be an unfamiliar city for those 13 baseball games. At times we had our GPS but more often than not, I remembered streets and locations.

My H remembers sports stats and accomplishments from junior high teams but even though this was our 5th trip to this city, he chose not to recall the area where our hotel was located. How we got from point A to point B and back to our hotel was just not on his radar.

That used to irritate the heck out of me but it doesn't any longer.

Why?

Because it is no longer a bone of contention between us. He not only seeks my input for directions with a great attitude, but he also praises me for my ability to remember! I asked him why this changed and he said that he appreciates the way I share directions without my condesending attitude I used to have.

Did he always go the way I thought was best?

Nope.

Did I say things without his asking for driving directions help?

Nope....well, I need to qualify that.

If we were late for a game, I might have asked "would you like a suggestion?" but I think that only happened twice.

Competition....it can be kind to marriage or it can be a killer. For years, competing against each other nearly killed us. Now we're using positive competition against what used to kill us to resurrect life in our relationship.

There are times when we both slip back to old thoughts and behaviors. But when I can catch myself and ask "WHAT thoughts/words/actions are best in the big picture of things?" I can usually change directions fairly quickly.

Anyone else have any ideas on this?

Thanks for reading,
Ace









We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: ***Spouse Competitiveness, Sports and Recreation*** [Re: Ace] #33932
12/10/10 01:24 PM
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Originally Posted By: Mark1952

Wanna tackle any of that?


Sure, Mark, we'll tackle the task of transfering the Fishing thread soon.

In the meantime, I've decided to change the emphasis of this thread title to reflect a different angle than some may think this thread is originally focused upon.

How can couples recognize conflicts that arise due to the need to be right no matter what the costs and how can it be changed?

How does competitiveness between spouses hurt or help marriages?

How can sports and recreation competition contribute to enhancing marriage?

Actually, the focus is still the same but the new title merely emphasizes its desire direction.

Maybe it's not important to change the title but possibly it is.

Did anyone ever watch the short-lived comedy-drama entitle Sports Night a few years ago? IMVHO its title doomed it from the start; it was about a daily TV sportscast but focused more on the dramatic lives of the personalities who produced the evening show.

Because there was not enough sports to satisfy those who tuned in for that aspect, those viewers apparently left. Unfortunately many would-be viewers who might have enjoyed the show for its dramatic development were never (or seldom) attracted due to the mis-perceived "sports" aspect of its title. I think it only last 2 seasons due to poor ratings.

I say that to say this: Many are involved in spouse competitiveness and do not even know it. We were and it nearly killed us. This competition has little to do with sports even if there are elements that are similar. The new thread title refocuses on this aspect.

For us, realizing how (and practicing) to use our competitive natures in a positive way involves a new attitude in addition to action. As we learn to overcome negative competitiveness in our relationship we can help our marriage grow from good to GREAT!

In addition to the 'driving directions' example I've shared, in what other areas might spouses be unknowingly competing with each other?

Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: ***Spouse Competitiveness, Sports and Recreation*** [Re: Ace] #37864
12/19/10 03:54 PM
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Spouse competition and Sports competition just played a major role in a recent challenge my H and I worked to overcome.

I'm considering having this thread moved to the (((MAgnify your Marriage))) forum but I'd like other input first.

* Should Spouse Competition be separate or included with the topic of Sports Competition and Recreation?

* How can we include a thread on topics guys will relate to like Sports and Recreation (Larry suggested Football Flatulence and Beer as a title) so that guys might choose to read (and possibly apply it to their sitchs) like some* many have done with Mark's Fishing Thread on MB?

Ace

*Some have commented but MANY have read it according to the view logs.


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: ***SPORTS SPOUSES: Does Your Spouse's Sports Passion Affect Your Marriage? *** [Re: Ace] #362818
09/16/14 02:56 AM
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AntigoneRisen recently posted a marriage news story about how a swap in baseball team loyalties was forced by marriage.

I said I'd start a CZ thread and then found this thread dancing with crickets for nearly 4 years in the bowels of the Construction Zone. It's not exactly the same issue but seems related enough to continue the subject here.

Originally Posted By: Ace
Spouse competition and Sports competition just played a major role in a recent challenge my H and I worked to overcome.


As I mentioned on AR's news post, I initially blew off the guy I eventually married when he said he wanted to retire in FL so he cold play baseball year round. It wasn't because I was adverse to baseball; it was because I fear annual threats of hurricanes.

When we got married, H thought he might be able to change my mind about moving to Florida when we retire. Many things have changed over those decades:

1) We are facing reality that we may never be able to retire.

2) We discovered that the area where we live is the 2nd or 3rd largest location for senior baseball leagues in the nation.

3) H was selected for the regional area's top All-Star team that has won several World Series Championships over the past decade......in Florida. cool

My H's sports passion has definitely affected our marriage, mostly in a good way. (More details in our story linked to my sig line.)

Have any types of sports----outdoor, indoor, active, passive, team, individual, amateur, professional, recreational---affected your marriage?

Thanks for your thoughts.

Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: ***SPORTS SPOUSES: Does Your Spouse's Sports Passion Affect Your Marriage? *** [Re: Ace] #362821
09/16/14 03:22 AM
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Navigating sports was - and is - a part of my marriage. I can't say that it has affected the quality of it, but perhaps it would have if we hadn't handled it the way we did.

First of all, I'm a big NFL fan. I have been for years. My H most decidedly was not (being Indian). Second of all, my H is a big ICC fan (Indian team, of course). I most decidedly was not, being American and preferring my sports to have more action and not last 6-8 hours.

I taught my H the basics of football, and he caught on very quickly. He's now a big fan - perhaps moreso than I. I learned the basics of cricket, but that's been a bigger challenge.

The matches are not scheduled for convenient US viewing and they are very long. I watch some World Cup matches with him, although that has proved frustrating to me. For instance, during the 2011 Cricket World Cup - which India won - I watched the India/England match. The match lasted over 6 hours and ended in a tie. Six hours with no real outcome. I was frustrated, to say the least. grin

But - I've learned the players and the basic rules. I just have a hard time really caring about wickets.


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Re: ***SPORTS SPOUSES: Does Your Spouse's Sports Passion Affect Your Marriage? *** [Re: AntigoneRisen] #362879
09/16/14 05:16 PM
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Our marriage was positively impacted in the early years by the absence of sports. I remember being so grateful that my H did not obsess over sports of any kind and never neglected me because of some televised event. But we did begin attending live professional baseball games and enjoyed them.

When our children were young we began bringing them to the games. Fast forward, after 34 years of marriage, we are season ticket holders to the Dodgers, I manage the ticket accounts, our kids are all big fans, and the games are a big part of family life. II'm often the one who turns on the TV for a game we are not attending. We are on a quest to visit all the ball parks in our lifetimes, and just got back from St Louis and KC over the weekend. So the presence of sports has been good for our whole family.

There is a difference between tuning in to sports to tune out the spouse and family, and watching together as a shared activity.


Chrysalis
Re: ***SPORTS SPOUSES: Does Your Spouse's Sports Passion Affect Your Marriage? *** [Re: Chrysalis] #363353
09/19/14 06:35 AM
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Originally Posted By: Chrysalis
We are on a quest to visit all the ball parks in our lifetimes, and just got back from St Louis and KC over the weekend. So the presence of sports has been good for our whole family.


Have you considered going to the National Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, NY? H and I both want to go one of these days.

I liked baseball when I was in junior high because of the cute guys. We often volunteered to man the hand-operated score-board during games because it was behind the opposing team's bench; my girlfriends and I loved flirting with the players.

Fast-forward 8 years and I met and married a guy with a huge passion for baseball. Go figure.

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Re: ***SPORTS SPOUSES: Does Your Spouse's Sports Passion Affect Your Marriage? *** [Re: AntigoneRisen] #363354
09/19/14 06:42 AM
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Originally Posted By: AntigoneRisen
Navigating sports was - and is - a part of my marriage. I can't say that it has affected the quality of it, but perhaps it would have if we hadn't handled it the way we did.


So what could you have done differently regarding sports that might have impacted your marriage in a positive way and improved its quality?

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Re: ***SPORTS SPOUSES: Does Your Spouse's Sports Passion Affect Your Marriage? *** [Re: Ace] #363387
09/19/14 05:43 PM
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Well, I enjoy sports and so does he. We didn't have overlapping or competing teams (how could we?). We were both open to learning about the other's sport and to be involved.


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Re: ***SPORTS SPOUSES: Does Your Spouse's Sports Passion Affect Your Marriage? *** [Re: AntigoneRisen] #363395
09/19/14 06:02 PM
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I was going to comment about that, AR. I think one of the key things about this for me was my willingness to learn and engage.

I walked into a house full of boys. They had been on their own for a while, and had bonded as boys/men will. So I had to use my curiosity and willingness to learn, to take opportunities to engage with them on their turf and integrate with them. Yeah, I could have just wandered off during their Chicago Bulls fever and read a book. But look at how much FUN they were having! And it was important to them. So, even though I had no IDEA what it was about, I sat down, and allowed myself to be the "dumb" one for a change. They taught me, and laughed at me a little, and we all had a great time.

When the boys got older and played sports, I became a rabid fan of their teams. With cowbells, and airhorns, foam fingers, etc. It was good stuff.

DH and I will watch a game on tv occasionally now, neither one of us cares much. It's something to do on a boring afternoon when the weather sucks.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: ***SPORTS SPOUSES: Does Your Spouse's Sports Passion Affect Your Marriage? *** [Re: Ace] #445287
11/28/20 02:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Ace
AntigoneRisen recently (actually back in 2014) posted a marriage news story about how a swap in baseball team loyalties was forced by marriage.

I said I'd start a CZ thread and then found this thread dancing with crickets for nearly 4 years* in the bowels of the Construction Zone. It's not exactly the same issue but seems related enough to continue the subject here.


*Well, now it's been 6 more years but someone (or something) was reading this thread today so it's time to bump it.


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

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