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Some Sequels Should Not Be Made #172733
10/28/11 04:31 PM
10/28/11 04:31 PM
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dday101798 Offline OP
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hello all (new and some familiar names still defecting from the "other" place)!

I'll use this first post just for a "brief" history, lol, I do have a knack to ramble off.

I had been an fairly active member and endorser (obviously) of keeping to your guns no matter what on the "other" site during and after my situation, and after reconcilling with (x)W, trying to keep the message out there: SOME DO COME BACK.

I defected over here for a little bit, but then had to back off as I found too many situations I was "assisting in" reminding me of the places I had been in our problems and the nightmares that lye within, and just didn't want to rehash them anymore.

That said, regretably, I'm back, needing to cash in the flip side of the coin and get some post reconcilliation help, or maybe just to vent or think out my thoughts before presenting them to (x)W (although I'm fairly certain, I know what I'm doing) and perhaps get some opinions, or insight on things I'm doing wrong I may not be realising.

So the story (hopefuly in abbreviated format frown lol).......

As the name implies, married 10/17/98...

Over the next 2 years, my motley arrray of friends was slowly dismantled, "I don't like you talking to so and so" became the norm, new friends thereafter had to be "screened".

2 years in, the honey moon was over (anybody notice how most problems start at the 2 year period??? hmmmm). (x)W was working nights, coming home later and later. Hanging out with a male co-worker who was "of no threat" that would call the house and hang up when I'd answer. After months I was determined an affair was going on. Communication became non existant. I finaly started venturing out wih co-workers. This drove an even larger rift in communication and more "I don't like so and so" and "so and so is your GF". After enough of this and her own questionable actions, I did in fact find myself in a situation I didn't belong (my own affair shocked ) It was brief and started off just being an emotional one. OW wanted the next level and feeling neglected, I subcombed, hell where was (x)W ANYWAY? I ended it quickly and confronted (x)W we need to just stop and fix things. She agreed, sighting we had both acted inappropriately. Regretably, knowing what I know now, this is "sweeping things under the rug" with no definatve answer or acknowledgement.

EVERY year there after we would have problems during the time frame the above had occured. Every year, it was you did this and you did that. She never admitted to what she did, thus, why should I?

2004, the housing market permitted us to buy into to a home bigger than our means....begin the financial downfall, also the home having a wall to wall, end to end literal tavern, it became the "party zone", friends (99% only hers) came and went nearly daily.

2006, after a 5 year long battle with cancer, (x)W's mother succumbs to cancer and puts her on the emotional spiral.

3/2007, merely 6 months after MIL's death, we lose what would have been (at the time) our 3rd child to a "stressed pregnancy".

From that point on, party was the way of life, the more booze and pot she could do, the better she could handle daily life. Not knowing what to do, I fugured she'd burn herself out of it. wrong. frown

3/2008, (x)W seemed to have reached epifany to her lifestyle. Asked for my assistance in ending the party atmosphere of our home (read as "kick MY friends out please") and realised our M had become one of convenience.

We enjoyed from there the best time of our M.

until.....

5/2008, enter the catalyst. (x)W relapses, accusing me of barring her from her friends, holding her hostage. Wokring nights, she would once again come home later and later, drunker and more stoned. Not accepting this behavior and wanting to know she wasn't doing anything to harm our M, I permitted the "party zone" to reopen. BIG mistake, this only enabled her to get further out of hand. I don't "smoke" and find her HIGHLY annoying at times depending on what she "does". That finally forced her to take the party elsewhere, the catalyst's house. Where she would start to not come home and further raise suspicions.

7/2008, fears confirmed. (x)W had not come home for the 9th time in 3 months. Tensions on the high, suspicions abound. Called catalyst figuring (x)W was there, she was not. But when she finally returned my calls, said she was and was coming home. Patiently I sat on the front porch to see what I expected..(x)W's car coming from the wrong direction.

This reverbed the problems of "sweeping under the carpet" the problems 8 years past. (x)W decided she owuld spend the follwing weekend at her father's house (empty) to "get her head together". Curiousity to confirm getting the better of me, would find her and OM there. GAME OVER

8/2008 - 6/2009, (x)W moved out of house, the staggering WAS back and forth (help me....no I don't want your help, be my friend while I date OM and be MARRIED to you) ensued. Physical confrontations abound, divorce in progress, her removing our 2 sons to live with her... I began to move on. Found a FWB (friend with benefits), made new friends, started going out doing new things going new places (getting A LIFE). Having no kids anymore and unable to mantain finances on the house while waging war in the court room, I moved in with family.

06/09/2009 - divorce done. ME- "fine honey, you win, you got what you want, ENJOY. All I had to worry about was making child support payments and being the best 96 hour per month "father" I could. I hired a phyciatrist (something I should have done a long long time ago (much longer story), and ultimately after the last dealing with (x)W trying to "warm up" and be "friends" only to reneg, I subconciously did the ONE THING ANY WAS HATES....reversed the roles, with me saying, "well, it's over" time to move on, becoming the WAS and leaving her, in waffling to become the LBS. (HINT-HINT to those struggling LBS out there!)

So that's the life and "death" of the marriage.

Next post will cover the most unexpected moment of my life....



I'm not a professional.... and I don't go exactly by the book.... but I did get the second chance to get things right. smile TIME.... Patience.... Self Investment.... smile
The Reconcilliation Delegation.... [Re: dday101798] #172765
10/28/11 06:19 PM
10/28/11 06:19 PM
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So............

From 7/2009 - much of 11/2009, I as was beginning to live again. I let go the pain, hurt, confusion and toxticity of what was the insanity I'd called a M to fight for. With the help of my 'shrink' who would finally set me off on my own after I had just finally "let go" of it all, I called enough is enough with FWB. And began to map the path to the next stage in my life.

Funny, (x)W while LIVING WITH ANOTHER MAN immediately after I busted them together WHILE MARRIED TO ME, giving no adjustment period for our kids would be "jealous" and upset that I had FWB?

mid 11/2009, since I no longer had a desire to speak to (x)W whom wasn't anyways, I had to give her a letter reminding her of her court appointed duty to communicate with me concerns of school matters which she was not doing and I would get calls at random from the schools notifying me of problems where the kids were concerned out of the blue.

The letter in turn opened a line of communication. One that was established by me with the simple flat bottom line: "We need to communicate and co-operate solely for the kids. What's done is done, the past is the past, and NO, I will NOT be your friend, this is strictly the business of helping our kids succeed despite the hard life ahead of them".

Now, I barely touched this in the above post...but at several occasions, usually 4 months apart after not speaking during the divorce process, (x)W would try to warm up, "be my friend please, maybe sometime we can be friends enough to work past everything". Hell at the mid-point of everything, New Years 2009, she wanted to come over :screwy: She had even hugged me once so hard during one of those moments. Everytime only to go right back "into the fog" when I stood my ground, "I REFUSE TO BE FRIENDS WITH MY WIFE WHO IS DATING SOMEONE ELSE!"

Anyway, my letter brought about another of these "warming ups" over the next couple weeks. I figure, meh, what the hell, you can call me to randomely chit-chat, what do I care???? Your OM's problem now, my ties with you, other than the kids are over.

12/03/2009 - After weeks of loose communication, even a few group dinners with the boys and no major issues, barring (x)W wanting to come to Thanksgiving dinner to which I said not a good idea as OM dropped off the kids for, she calls me at random. I was in good spirits, looking forward to my company x-mas party the next day, perhaps maybe even acting upon my interests in a few prospects on who to seriously date there. Naturally I was upbeat. (x)W asked why I was so giddy. I said, well, I have my x-mas party tomorrow and I'm going out tonight for a bit. She asked where and I told her, it was a place we used to frequent. (x)W says "I wish someone would take me out, I could use it". Not even thinking about it, I said 'I'll be passing by your general area at 9 if you're interested'. (x)W says, "OK!". shocked

[skiding tires sound effect please]

Hanging up the phone with the premise she thought I was joking, I ask myself 'what have I done?' 'eh, no matter, she'll back out of it, surely OM won't allow her to bar hopping with HER EX-H, right???'

I heard nothing while getting ready. While driving, I test the water and message asking if she's going or not. Again she replies "really?!?". And I reply sure why not? She replies that she has to get ready. So I go blunt, 'what about OM?'. Not to worry is the respone I get.

I ran the gammott and low and behold we were out for the night.....ALL NIGHT. Unintentionally but unavoidably, the past was brought to the table. And we laid it ALL out, no holds barred, if it hurt, oh well, it's done. The conlusions, no she didn't infact have a physical affair in 2000, emotional yes, and that got with current OM to get back at me for mine. The fact that I felt controlled all the while. Having to hide things from her to avoid confrontation. Her party lifestyle to "help her get by" while I had no idea how to help her. All the while the last 2 years of the M I had indulged into heavily drinking myself and living in solace. Most importantly, the fact that we just simply didn't cummucate effectvely or with respect to each other or ourselves. Everything was defensive, or kept secretive to avoid further fighting.

It just all came out. Over and done. In the flushing moment of relief, her eyes just lit up and I coudn't resist but to gently lean over and plant one soft kiss on her.

In the end on the OM front, yeah she used him to get at me, but was trying to get out of the situation quickly after it started. But, figured to use him further as she couldn't drive, so he was "her chauffer" amongst other things, otherwise "completely useless" and their dwindling relationship had been all but 'dead' since just before what would have been our anniversay 10/17/2009.

That night, set forth a chain reaction of future event that inevitably brought us back together. My truck got criticaly hit and I developed some health issues.

A few months later and OM completely obliterated from the picture, I found myself moving in with her at her father's house against "my plan". My plan had been if this were to be a true reconcilliation, we would get our own place (our previous house was still in her father's name), get remarried and perhaps have our little girl we soooo wanted.

As with anything, not the plan, as said I found myself moving in with her at her dads, we set a marriage date, only to have it bumped as you guessed it, baby on the way 02/14/2011.

Along the way, we hit some bumps, mainly hiccups of things we agreed were 'dead' issues. But, whenenver I'd give something a hard cleaning I'd find some remnant of OM's existance, clothing hidden under beds, cards between them, and most noteably a bag in the basement containing pictures of them together in hot tubs, and a "love note" from her to him.

None the less, we persevered on and overcame that saga, I rarely ever have a thought about that now.

We have our 3rd boy, now 8 moths old and is the light
of our life.

BUT....................

With halloween round the corner, here come the skeltons.....

Next post, the current situation.



I'm not a professional.... and I don't go exactly by the book.... but I did get the second chance to get things right. smile TIME.... Patience.... Self Investment.... smile
Closet of skeltons, who's are they? [Re: dday101798] #172774
10/28/11 06:55 PM
10/28/11 06:55 PM
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And here we are today....

Once again living under her father's rule. Trying to get our own house, but with credit requrements being so harsh, not looking good. All of us pile up in a place too small and with the baby. We won't even go into how dwindled finances are frown

What once was a flourishing relationship between both us and our older boys (13 & 14) as result of the D has diminshed into bickering and disrespect from them towards both of us. I've lost track of how many times I've been told life was better without me around. frown

Either way, (x)W and I work these problems jointly.

However, the financial stress, the having to answer to her father all the time about things, the fate of our old house, and feeling 'stuck in a rut': going to work, coming home, cleaning, taking care of the baby and feeding everyone has taken us both back to some bad habits.

I willingly admit, I once again drink too much. Conversely: I had asked her NOT to "smoke" in presence if she has to do it. She does, and drinks at times quite equally with me.

For me, it's simple, yes, I (we) love beer. The norm should be coming home, having a drink or two together, talking about our day and then getting on to business.

But, that's not the case. Lately, I get home and she's either already high or sitting in the truck out front getting so, or already on HER 3rd beer or so, or even combo of both. In that state, she is the one encouraging me to catch up.

If that does not occour, either her brother or a catalyst friend will randomely stop over, and they'll "smoke". So what am I to do? Go to my room?

On the last few weekends, her friend, the aforementioned catalyst will spend the night and usually the two of them at even 7am, "let's have a 'wake and bake". Again, what am I to do? I get irritated with my own self that on 2 occasions I had been typsy by noon as a result of "keeping up".

Then, there's the queen killer: the nights she goes off to catalyst friends house again. Now I trust her 150% about her loyalty. I pray to God that doesn't come back to bite me in the a$$.

Anyways, this has all led to tension. And I agree, I need to slow down. "So do you". Heck the other day she was complaining to her brother that she almost got busted arriving at work at 8am because she smelled after "smoking" something he did something wrong with. 8AM!!! on a weekday...

But as you'd have it, somewhere, that darn communication system is on the blink and it's getting bad. I thought I got through to her the other day when she complained about me, and YES I have cut back, yet she has not when she agreed she needs to as well.

Then last night, the other problem rears it's dirty head: we've been having a somewhat SSM the last few months, however not to accord, she says last night it's been a month? Umm no, the last bunny rabbit rounding was last weekend?!?!

I don't know, she bursts out she's "not happy", "can't sleep in the same bed with me anymore", can't seem to recall the above paragraph, and that I'm the only one who needs to change. It's once again all MY fault.

The scary part about it is, I'm sure who the potential WAS is here if things don't improve. shocked

I miss my financial stability I worked so hard for when she left. Once again all my friends have been skimmed down. All I ask for is to set money aside to go out one night a week, not only to get out, but to have a free area where we can talk without interruption of the boys and avoid problems LIKE THIS, but it doesn't happen unless I stash a few bucks away here and there. I overall feel controlled again. Whereas I give her full trasparency, I leave my cell phone, email, and FB account unlocked so that she may view at anytime I have nothing to hide, yet she can go over to her friends house, sometimes after I have fallen asleep for the night in secrecy.

I just don't know if I have it in me to put up the fight again if what is being communicated is not being adheared to. The main thing I have going right now is the fact that I refuse to just sit back and wallow / remain and be walked over as I used to, NOT HAPPENING, yet not be defensive.


Something's gotta give.....


I'm not a professional.... and I don't go exactly by the book.... but I did get the second chance to get things right. smile TIME.... Patience.... Self Investment.... smile
Re: Closet of skeltons, who's are they? [Re: dday101798] #172787
10/28/11 07:25 PM
10/28/11 07:25 PM
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Originally Posted By: dday101798
Something's gotta give.....

My advice is to start with your drinking. Go to AA, to outpatient rehab, inpatient rehab, counseling, whatever you need in order to get your own drinking dealt with.....in a way that doesn't blame her for it and in a way that does not minimize it just because *she's worse*.

Then check out Alanon or NarAnon.....to deal with your issues of being affected by your wife's drinking/drug use.

If you need money to go out once a week, why not use your beer money? Your beer money....not hers.


Re: Closet of skeltons, who's are they? [Re: LivingWell] #172796
10/28/11 07:54 PM
10/28/11 07:54 PM
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Thanks for taking the time to read through all that Livingwell smile

I can get myself under control, that's not a problem. Been there done that, I simply let the pressures of everyday life take it out of hand. I do have an employee assistance program in the event I can not tackle it by myself, but I am more than confident that should not be neccessary.

For her, well, much like me. She needs to take the good look at things to say, wow this is a problem. When things came to head the other day that it was just "me", I politely pointed out her story of 8 in the morning at her work of all places and it got her thinking.

"beer money", is our beer money. We're in the process of segregating bank accounts again because we were doing so much better financially that way. I live in the 21st century, online banking, moble banking, bank by text, etc and no exactly where my account(s) are when it's solely only me using it. She...(no offense hon smile ) is just getting the hang of proper text messaging and "balances" her account by sitting at the table pulling what she thinks is all her receipts out and adding them up on a piece of paper and subracting from the last "known" balance.

You're point tho, is already in effect. smile


I'm not a professional.... and I don't go exactly by the book.... but I did get the second chance to get things right. smile TIME.... Patience.... Self Investment.... smile
Re: Closet of skeltons, who's are they? [Re: dday101798] #172799
10/28/11 08:02 PM
10/28/11 08:02 PM
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It seems to me that you base when and how much she *should* be drinking/getting high on when and how much you do. That, to me, sounds like a problem that will interfere with any kind of marital recovery.

If you're confident that your drinking isn't an issue that needs to be dealt with first, then I think that it might be a good idea to check out a few meetings of Alanon and/or NarAnon to start dealing with the ways in which you are affected by your wife's drinking/drug use.

What do you think?

Re: Closet of skeltons, who's are they? [Re: LivingWell] #172806
10/28/11 08:21 PM
10/28/11 08:21 PM
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dday101798 Offline OP
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No, I think you misuderstood...

I DO realize that I have my problem to deal with. Heck in the thick of things, I removed ALL liqour in the house and started to box itup on the back porch. She asked what I was doing. I said, I don't need this stuff, and I don't need it being a threat to us. I mean, I CAN just go cold turkey, not a problem there.

She knows "characteristcally", that to not have an occasianal beer is simply not me. Conversely, nor is the person who over does it as I have lately. So I see it and she sees it. And by boxing everything up, goes to show I am more than prepared to eliminate my problems from the equation first.

For her problems... I've dealt with mine enough (hell I still don't drink ANY where as close to what I did during the divorce) to know that ONLY the person with the problem can take that critical step back and say to themselves that they in fact have a problem. I can't fix her. I can only say like I did politely as did she to me. And to force someone can lead to resentment.

The JOINT (no pun intended) problem is the events that led up to this week. As said, I had asked her, actually more or less made a boundry that appears to have been side stepped, not to "smoke" in my presence or be around when on it. I just want to know where, when and with who, as sometimes she just gets downright annoying and that was a real problem in the downfall of the marriage.

I don't know, does that make more sense? I've always been misintrepreted frown

Last edited by dday101798; 10/28/11 08:23 PM.

I'm not a professional.... and I don't go exactly by the book.... but I did get the second chance to get things right. smile TIME.... Patience.... Self Investment.... smile
Re: Closet of skeltons, who's are they? [Re: dday101798] #172809
10/28/11 08:27 PM
10/28/11 08:27 PM
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Yes, that does clarify some things a little more. I'm sorry for the misinterpretation and thanks for more explanation.


Originally Posted By: dday101798
The JOINT (no pun intended) problem is the events that led up to this week. As said, I had asked her, actually more or less made a boundry that appears to have been side stepped, not to "smoke" in my presence or be around when on it. I just want to know where, when and with who, as sometimes she just gets downright annoying and that was a real problem in the downfall of the marriage.

That's not a boundary according to my understanding of boundaries......it's more like a demand or even a request. One that she is not going along with.

Would you like to hear more of how I view it?

Re: Closet of skeltons, who's are they? [Re: LivingWell] #172810
10/28/11 08:32 PM
10/28/11 08:32 PM
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Guess I left more out. frown

I concider it a boundry as: yes, if you MUST do it, then I am fine with it, just not around me during or immediately after.

When we initially got back together she said she wasn't doing it anymore as she knew I couldn't handle the person she'd become sometimes (overly emotional for no just reason). Then, I busted her a couple of times trying to hide somewhere and do it. I said that type of sneaking around defies the open-honesty our 'new' relationship is supposed to be based on and made the above boundry with her.

fire away........


I'm not a professional.... and I don't go exactly by the book.... but I did get the second chance to get things right. smile TIME.... Patience.... Self Investment.... smile
Re: Closet of skeltons, who's are they? [Re: dday101798] #172819
10/28/11 08:59 PM
10/28/11 08:59 PM
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Quote:
fire away........

I hope not! Will you do me a favor and tell me if it feels like you're in front of a firing squad? (I'm serious)


Quote:
I concider it a boundry as: yes, if you MUST do it, then I am fine with it, just not around me during or immediately after.

How do you enforce that boundary?


Quote:
I said that type of sneaking around defies the open-honesty our 'new' relationship is supposed to be based on and made the above boundry with her.

A boundary is something that we make for ourselves. Can you explain what you mean by making the boundary *with her*?

Re: Closet of skeltons, who's are they? [Re: LivingWell] #172826
10/28/11 09:06 PM
10/28/11 09:06 PM
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LOL, there's a few folks around here, if they're still around that know I can pretty straight to the point too. Don't worry about that and if I don't thinkI get the point, I'd ask for clarification before whining off. smile

The enforcement was supposed be doing so was a deal breaker. I guess I kind of have lost sight of that. That's really the reason we're in a bind today I think is the a few lessons learned and pacts made have dwindled off out of sight and allowing some of the old problems to filter back in.

Either way, it was a boundry for myself so that I did not have to deal with her erratic behavior while influenced by it.

Last edited by dday101798; 10/28/11 09:07 PM.

I'm not a professional.... and I don't go exactly by the book.... but I did get the second chance to get things right. smile TIME.... Patience.... Self Investment.... smile
Re: Closet of skeltons, who's are they? [Re: dday101798] #172828
10/28/11 09:10 PM
10/28/11 09:10 PM
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Originally Posted By: dday101798
Either way, it was a boundry for myself so that I did not have to deal with her erratic behavior while influenced by it.

What was your plan for enforcing the boundary?

It might not be that there's a problem with the boundary......the problem might be in how you chose to enforce it. If you chose something that you didn't want to do, then you probably wouldn't follow through.

Last edited by LivingWell; 10/28/11 09:11 PM. Reason: finished thought
Re: Closet of skeltons, who's are they? [Re: LivingWell] #172833
10/28/11 09:22 PM
10/28/11 09:22 PM
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Enforcement = dealbreaker, the reconcilliation can't work. That was set in everything's infancy. But, at this stage of the game, there is too much on the line for that infraction, other than to make it a "request".

Bottom line before I have to leave for the day is I certain that mutually, we can assist each other with these isssues. The core of the reconcilliation is still intact: no lies, total openess, transparency, respect and admiration.

What we've lost sight of is getting too caught up in our own issues to notice the other's, perhaps leaving eachother feeling neglected, hence why she said she's not happy last night which scares the spit out of me as saying that is a precurser to setting one foot out the door. Hence why I'm back on here.

Tonight however, is all about communication. We have not been able to communicate freely in quite a while (kids always butting in) and that is a MAJOR problem.



I'm not a professional.... and I don't go exactly by the book.... but I did get the second chance to get things right. smile TIME.... Patience.... Self Investment.... smile
Re: Closet of skeltons, who's are they? [Re: dday101798] #172837
10/28/11 09:28 PM
10/28/11 09:28 PM
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Originally Posted By: dday101798
Enforcement = dealbreaker, the reconcilliation can't work.

I don't get what you mean by enforcement = dealbreaker......do you mean that you intended to move out permanently?

Re: Closet of skeltons, who's are they? [Re: LivingWell] #172863
10/28/11 10:16 PM
10/28/11 10:16 PM
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CajunRose Offline
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Who's taking care of the baby if you are overindulging and your W is high?

The first 18 months of living with a baby is tough. You know that - you've done this before. Everyone's stressed and tired. Add in a relatively new reconciliation, problems with the older kids, etc, it's worse.

Are the older two in counseling? This has to be a huge shock to their world.

Do you and your W have any kind of formal plan for remaking your marriage? Time carved out for talking, time carved out for doing things just the two of you, agreed-upon plans for ensuring that you can both meet the pillars you've set out for yourselves?



Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Closet of skeltons, who's are they? [Re: CajunRose] #173016
10/29/11 07:28 PM
10/29/11 07:28 PM
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believer Offline
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I love beer and weed too. I reserve it for the weekends though, because it is hard to stay motivated in a stressful job.

I'm in Seattle now, and have been taking a break from it, and found that I save about $1,000. a month. That would be my first suggestion to you and your (x)wife. It will enable you to get your own place, instead of living with a parent.

The added plus is that when there is no weed or booze in the house, a lot of the friends/freeloaders won't hang around.

There are a couple of other things that I'm worried about - your children. If you are wasted, who watches the baby? At that age one needs to be very vigilant, just to keep them alive. Also, are your teens living with you? Do you have family meals, see that their homework gets done, and drive them to sports/after school activities? And if you are driving any of your children, I hope you are not driving under the influence of alcohol/pot.

Lot's of people think they drive just fine loaded, but accident statistics prove otherwise.

I'm interested in your story, and waiting for the "successful" part.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Closet of skeltons, who's are they? [Re: believer] #173565
11/01/11 10:45 AM
11/01/11 10:45 AM
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Medc Offline
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dday,

after reading over your posts, all I can say is that I feel sorry for your kids.

both you and your wife have some serious maturing to do. Sad to say though, parenting does not allow for on the job training. That your kids are teenagers and have witnessed this behavior certainly adds a level of uncertainty to their future(and trust me, I am being VERY KIND with that assessment).

Your wife's behavior is the least of your problems in my opinion. YOU are failing at the primary job of a parent.

Try and get your act together...your kids need at least one responsible parent.



Don't go shaking the [Bleep!] tree and expect an angel to fall out.

Liars lie and cheaters cheat...know it and don't be surprised. Protect yourself.

Re: Closet of skeltons, who's are they? [Re: Medc] #173577
11/01/11 12:49 PM
11/01/11 12:49 PM
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Quote:
Lately, I get home and she's either already high or sitting in the truck out front getting so, or already on HER 3rd beer or so, or even combo of both. In that state, she is the one encouraging me to catch up.


Really?

I have no idea why some people become parents.

Look, I don't mean to beat up on your dday, but do you realize the role that parents play in raising healthy and responsible children? It doesn't appear as though you or your wife have the faintest clue about what it takes to be a good parent.

In my humble opinion, your kids would be better off in another household. Perhaps you have a responsible sibling or friend that would provide better role models for the kids?



Don't go shaking the [Bleep!] tree and expect an angel to fall out.

Liars lie and cheaters cheat...know it and don't be surprised. Protect yourself.

Re: Closet of skeltons, who's are they? [Re: believer] #173579
11/01/11 12:50 PM
11/01/11 12:50 PM
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Medc Offline
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Quote:
found that I save about $1,000. a month.


$1000 per month in beer and weed?

Seriously?

Have I stepped into Seinfeld's Bizzaro World???




Don't go shaking the [Bleep!] tree and expect an angel to fall out.

Liars lie and cheaters cheat...know it and don't be surprised. Protect yourself.

Re: Closet of skeltons, who's are they? [Re: Medc] #173586
11/01/11 01:43 PM
11/01/11 01:43 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 17,282
The Castle Aaaggghh...
herfuturesbright Offline
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The Castle Aaaggghh...

Re: Closet of skeltons, who's are they? [Re: herfuturesbright] #173632
11/01/11 04:59 PM
11/01/11 04:59 PM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 48
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dday101798 Offline OP
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Nice touch on the Seinfeld clip.

You know, I can take constructive criticism just fine. However, bashing one's ability ot be a parent because the have problems I can not. You do not know my whole background other than what I have lightly posted here.

Let me tell you, I certainly believe the theory that dependancies can be classed heridtary. Or atleast in the sense, monkey see, monkey do. My mother was quite the drinker, right in front of me and out in the open. Who, when pointed out at the ripe age of 14 that it's a problem by me, threw my a$$ out in the streets on top of years of non supportive parenting to fend for myself.

I may not be perfect, but I assure you this, my kids have never been in danger from my problems, nor neglected. In fact, it's te other way around. They walked out on me and part caused me to get out of hand to that point because they once again had their father back, full time after a 18 motnh divorce and simply, their free fun of lack of dicipline was over.

Someone asked to know when "my successses" would start to roll in? That in itself is the single largest success story of my life. My (x)W asked me when we were getting married..."why" and one of my reasons is that simple, to provide a secure and nuturing enviornment and most importantly, to provide a far better life for them than I had.

Wow, someone asks for help, admitting their are unacceptable issues, and the approach is crucification to their downfalls? I'm the only person who didn't go through a divorce, have my parental rights terminated by the person who promised for better or worse and didn't come out unscaved?

It's not like I sit (sat) and pounded a case down from start to finish in one sitting. Research calls excessive "4 or more a day". So, yeah, that couple here and there when the kids are out with their friends, I'm cooking on the grill baby is napping or YES with a "responsible" party is grounds for my damnation, understood.

Look, I admitted I had a fault, came here for support to get through the communication gap in my realationship to get my (x)W on the same page with me.

geesh.

You know what's even funnier? I've previously assisted some of my "brother's in divorce" with the VERY same problem, in fact, some are divorced BECAUSE OF IT. But never did I fault their times of weakness.

I'm not happy about who I am and who my x(W) is right now. My (x)W is not happy about who she is and who I am right now. We lost our way, we lost each other. Isnt that what this is about?


I'm not a professional.... and I don't go exactly by the book.... but I did get the second chance to get things right. smile TIME.... Patience.... Self Investment.... smile
Re: Closet of skeltons, who's are they? [Re: dday101798] #173636
11/01/11 05:15 PM
11/01/11 05:15 PM
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LivingWell Offline
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Originally Posted By: dday101798
I'm not happy about who I am and who my x(W) is right now. My (x)W is not happy about who she is and who I am right now. We lost our way, we lost each other. Isnt that what this is about?

That's what it is about for me.

If you help me understand, I will try to help if I am able. Will you go a few posts back and take a look at my question about what you meant?

Re: Closet of skeltons, who's are they? [Re: dday101798] #173639
11/01/11 05:25 PM
11/01/11 05:25 PM
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CajunRose Offline
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This
Originally Posted By: dday101798
It's not like I sit (sat) and pounded a case down from start to finish in one sitting. Research calls excessive "4 or more a day". So, yeah, that couple here and there when the kids are out with their friends, I'm cooking on the grill baby is napping or YES with a "responsible" party is grounds for my damnation, understood.


and this
Quote:
I willingly admit, I once again drink too much. Conversely: I had asked her NOT to "smoke" in presence if she has to do it. She does, and drinks at times quite equally with me.

For me, it's simple, yes, I (we) love beer. The norm should be coming home, having a drink or two together, talking about our day and then getting on to business.

But, that's not the case. Lately, I get home and she's either already high or sitting in the truck out front getting so, or already on HER 3rd beer or so, or even combo of both. In that state, she is the one encouraging me to catch up.


sound very different.

My advice is generally given with the following priorities:
a) the interests of the children
b) the interests of the marriage - which includes very much personal recovery

You have admitted that you have a problem - one which you think you can kick yourself, and one which you are willing to address. I want to make sure that there is a plan in place for the kids, that they aren't being neglected in any way while any of this behavior was going on (or still is by your W). From my personal experience, when my dad finished his second drink of the night my sister and I made ourselves scarce. He was not drunk, but he loosened his inhibitions enough to have everything be said with a nasty edge. On the other hand, my xH could have a few beers and not show it in any way. Ask someone else to judge your behavior, and keep that in mind when you're deciding whether or not to drink around your children.

Are the older kids in counseling? This entire scenario has to be a huge shock to their world, and I think they probably need counseling, espeically if they are giving you problems. That's a cry for help in navigating this new situation.

Do you and your W have any kind of formal plan for remaking your marriage? Time carved out for talking, time carved out for doing things just the two of you, agreed-upon plans for ensuring that you can both meet the pillars you've set out for yourselves?

What have you done to address the issues that caused you to divorce?


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Closet of skeltons, who's are they? [Re: LivingWell] #173640
11/01/11 05:25 PM
11/01/11 05:25 PM
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If you and your W are not happy with yourselves as individuals or as a couple the options are to (A) start making changes today or (B) separate forever.

You can't force your W to change but you can. And if she chooses not to make changes that will better herself as a woman, mom and wife then I think the answer is pretty clear.

I guess what I see on your end is lots of contradictions. You say you are in such a financial hole and miserable living at your father in laws house. Yet you prioritize stashing a few bucks away for a "boys night out" each week. Well a few bucks a week won't totally change your financial situation in a month or two it would at least be a start. You seem unwilling to make changes. Is there nothing free you and your friends could do?

And if your financial situation is so grave why is your W jeopardizing her job by going to work smelling like pot or still under the influence.

FTR - my WH and I used to smoke weed from time to time and it isn't inexpensive. Why is she spending money on drugs? Drugs that are harming your marriage and financial situation?

And I do think part of the problem with the two of you connecting emotionally or physically is due to the drugs and drinking. The drugs and drinking are obstacles to clear communication. While your children might disrupt conversations I don't think that is the entire problem.

Sounds like your W is using pot to escape. What I think though is the pot is stopping her from being able to really "escape" many of the problems.

Until the drinking and drug use is totally removed from both of your lives I do think communication, respect, trust and connecting will continue to be an issue.

I guess I would suggest to tell your W that you desire a clean and sober marriage. If she is unable to commit to that then I'm not sure what you have to build on. The two of you don't seem to have any goals or guidance along with all the logistical issues.






Re: Closet of skeltons, who's are they? [Re: LivingWell] #173649
11/01/11 05:39 PM
11/01/11 05:39 PM
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dday101798 Offline OP
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Hi Livingwell,

Your question regarding "dealbreaker", yes, correct, "if you do this that hurts me, my feelings, then, we are done". That was at a time however, when we had just starting putting all the pieces back together.

It's not a logical option anymore. Unless things get wildy extreme.

The beest possible option right now is what we are doing. Addressing our displeasure for the other's actions as they are harmful in every sense of the way for everyone else involved.

We had a "rough" weekend getting to that point and I damn near left.

It was that tense and painful moment that I needed to start to take a hard look at myself. I spent the entire day yesterday relecting on myself, andhow I let all the "little things in life" morph together into this big ball of.... well, blach! Who am I? This isn't me. I am much stronger than this.

She saw this, and got on board, and realised, we're not going to get far if we dont do some growing up and handling everday problems in a more productive manner.

Thus, this is our innaugral week to doing some serious 'house cleaning'. Heck we finally just had a phone conversation during her lunch break, an extreme rarity versus texting. That was nice. And we discussed all this yet again in detail and ended the conversation acknowledging, we both need to be stronger and work at those problems together. And by being stronger, holding each other up together, we can overcome the obstacles that face us today and set goals for the future, together...

smile



I'm not a professional.... and I don't go exactly by the book.... but I did get the second chance to get things right. smile TIME.... Patience.... Self Investment.... smile
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