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Re: Some Sequels Should Not Be Made [Re: dday101798] #173655
11/01/11 05:43 PM
11/01/11 05:43 PM
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flowmom Offline
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Dday, I think a good starting point is for you and your W to figure out what the beer/weed are "fixing" for you. Are you self-medicating? What needs are being met by drinking and smoking up? Once you identify the needs, you can look at ways of addressing them alternatively. I highly recommend attending a 12 step program for yourself, as well as Al-Anon. These are problems that can be fixed - many families do. As the excessive drinking and pot use are addressed, the personal/marital/financial recovery can be addressed as well. It's about taking responsibility for your lives, role modelling that for your children. In practice that means all the tiny choices that we make throughout the day.


we: me44 + my husband Pookie :9: + S9 + D6
Re: Closet of skeltons, who's are they? [Re: CajunRose] #173658
11/01/11 05:47 PM
11/01/11 05:47 PM
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Originally Posted By: CajunRose
, my xH could have a few beers and not show it in any way. What have you done to address the issues that caused you to divorce?


I'm pretty much one in the same s your xH, folks would actually prefer being around me when I'm in my 'comfort zone'. I'm sure as you would also know from your xH that there can be at times a fine line where that 'comfort zone' ends. That is my current situation taht I am working to cease.

Our issues of the divorce we all laid as said in my 3 post of this thread. We tackled everything, no holds barred and talked it all out, why we acted/reacted the way we did and what not to do in the future. Of course, that takes some practice. The first couple months were pretty bumpy. Then everything feel into place, obviously a little too easily.


I'm not a professional.... and I don't go exactly by the book.... but I did get the second chance to get things right. smile TIME.... Patience.... Self Investment.... smile
Re: Closet of skeltons, who's are they? [Re: CityGirl] #173660
11/01/11 05:51 PM
11/01/11 05:51 PM
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Originally Posted By: CityGirl
Yet you prioritize stashing a few bucks away for a "boys night out" each week. Well a few bucks a week won't totally change your financial situation in a month or two it would at least be a start. You seem unwilling to make changes. Is there nothing free you and your friends could do?


No no, misuderstood again. NOT "boys night out", an US night out, (x)W and I, together. To talk, reflect, plan, and repair without distractions. It was VERY effective in getting our relationship on a new track.

That said, the rest of your post I agree and couldn't have said better myself.

(still tyring to get my "what I meant to say checker" patented with microsoft wink )

Last edited by dday101798; 11/01/11 05:53 PM.

I'm not a professional.... and I don't go exactly by the book.... but I did get the second chance to get things right. smile TIME.... Patience.... Self Investment.... smile
Re: Closet of skeltons, who's are they? [Re: dday101798] #173661
11/01/11 05:53 PM
11/01/11 05:53 PM
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spot on flowmom.

That's what I was trying to convey with her. Sure I can do it alone, but I'd rather much do it as a team.


I'm not a professional.... and I don't go exactly by the book.... but I did get the second chance to get things right. smile TIME.... Patience.... Self Investment.... smile
Re: Closet of skeltons, who's are they? [Re: dday101798] #173662
11/01/11 05:54 PM
11/01/11 05:54 PM
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LivingWell Offline
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I think that what you called a boundary isn't actually a boundary......but since that thing isn't an issue now, I'm not sure that it would be productive to discuss further at this point.


Originally Posted By: dday101798
And we discussed all this yet again in detail and ended the conversation acknowledging, we both need to be stronger and work at those problems together. And by being stronger, holding each other up together, we can overcome the obstacles that face us today and set goals for the future, together...

I have concerns about how successful you can be if you only have a *together* plan and not one of your own.......because I saw a lot of blaming your wife for your drinking and other things.

What do you think about taking a look at Alanon or Nar-Anon to see if it might help you with the ways that you are affected by your wife's drinking/drug use?

Re: Closet of skeltons, who's are they? [Re: LivingWell] #173665
11/01/11 05:59 PM
11/01/11 05:59 PM
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I'm not really sure how I could have misunderstood you "again" since I have never posted to you before. That being said I do apologize that I misread your post.

I agree that one on one time without interruptions is an important part of a relationship. I do think though that given the financial situation you are in there are ways to have one on one time outside the house without spending any money. Or, agree to spend money once per month and challenge each other to find interesting things to do for free during the other weekly outings.

If money is an issue there are many free programs available to assist with the drinking and drug issues. Honestly, as much as you both want to make this work until those issues are really tackled for good I'm not sure anything will change. Not because you both lack the desire for a good relationship but drinking and drugs that have caused ongoing problems will continue to cause problems.


Re: Closet of skeltons, who's are they? [Re: LivingWell] #173670
11/01/11 06:05 PM
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It so funny, when on the other side of the coin I can convey my point perfectly to whomever's thread I'm replying, but I always seem to cloud up mine. frown

My intent ws not to blame her flat out. As flowmom put "self-medicating" a true definition and I actually read an article on that a few weeks ago. What I do have an issue with in her regard is I could have had an entirely under control night and am ready to call it a day. But, someone will pop up out of the blue, a friend, brother, what have you, and they go off to do "their own thing", and I just get to thinking 'well, why do they / she get to go off and have fund and I get 'sent to my room' because what their doing is something I do not partake in? Again, yes I know, not exactly proper thinking, that's what I'm acknowledging.

Alanon is just not an option for me. Their program is total abstenance, not control. I've over the years quit cold turkey, just did over the weekend. I have no problem with that until I feel I've cleansed my system and am ready to partake in a 'normal' and controlled fasion. If that's not possible, then heck, a non-alkey it is.


I'm not a professional.... and I don't go exactly by the book.... but I did get the second chance to get things right. smile TIME.... Patience.... Self Investment.... smile
Re: Closet of skeltons, who's are they? [Re: dday101798] #173671
11/01/11 06:06 PM
11/01/11 06:06 PM
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Agreed citygirl.

MY apologies, "again" was in general statment. frown


I'm not a professional.... and I don't go exactly by the book.... but I did get the second chance to get things right. smile TIME.... Patience.... Self Investment.... smile
Re: Closet of skeltons, who's are they? [Re: dday101798] #173674
11/01/11 06:10 PM
11/01/11 06:10 PM
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Alanon isn't for you to stop drinking and it isn't to give you ways to get her to stop indulging. It's for you to see how her behavior is affecting you, how you are enabling, and what is in your control versus hers. I agree that it would be helpful for you to go at least a few times to try it out.



Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Closet of skeltons, who's are they? [Re: dday101798] #173683
11/01/11 06:23 PM
11/01/11 06:23 PM
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Originally Posted By: dday101798
My intent ws not to blame her flat out.

Flat out blaming her or not, blame is blame. And blaming her instead of taking responsibility for your own choices and actions can give her control over you. Is that how you want your relationship?


Quote:
What I do have an issue with in her regard is I could have had an entirely under control night and am ready to call it a day. But, someone will pop up out of the blue, a friend, brother, what have you, and they go off to do "their own thing", and I just get to thinking 'well, why do they / she get to go off and have fund and I get 'sent to my room' because what their doing is something I do not partake in? Again, yes I know, not exactly proper thinking, that's what I'm acknowledging.

It doesn't sound *under control* to me if someone else using is all it takes for you to use.


Quote:
Alanon is just not an option for me. Their program is total abstenance, not control.

I think that you're referring to AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), not Alanon or Nar-Anon.

Alanon and Nar-Anon are for those who are affected by other people's drinking or drug use. The *other people* can be family members, coworkers, friends, neighbors, etc, and they don't have to be full blown alcoholics or drug addicts......only that their drinking or drug use is affecting you.

If you wanted help to stop drinking or using drugs you might go to AA or NA......if you wanted help to deal with someone else's drinking or drug use then you might go to Alanon or Nar-Anon.

I hope this helped you to understand the difference. smile


Re: Closet of skeltons, who's are they? [Re: CajunRose] #173687
11/01/11 06:29 PM
11/01/11 06:29 PM
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Originally Posted By: CajunRose
I agree that it would be helpful for you to go at least a few times to try it out.


I have previously. The approach of total abstenance just is not who I am and sometimes they are down right nasty there. To me, that is a program for someone who does not realise they have a problem or the scope of that problem, are in denial of the problem and should completely remove that problem indefinately.

I do not deny I have a problem and I do not deny the impact of that problem and I know that time off to cool off and get a hold of myself and face life's problems without that problem being a problem is what I have done before and can do again.


I'm not a professional.... and I don't go exactly by the book.... but I did get the second chance to get things right. smile TIME.... Patience.... Self Investment.... smile
Re: Closet of skeltons, who's are they? [Re: dday101798] #173689
11/01/11 06:34 PM
11/01/11 06:34 PM
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You very well may have cleaned up before and got a hold of things. But now you are sort of right back where you started. IMO that indicates a much bigger problem.

It's sort of like going on a radical diet that doesn't allow carbs, flour, sugar or fat. Sure, you will lose lots of weight quickly but the second you start incorporating those items back in your diet the weight will return.

Taking a break from the drinking doesn't really mean the underlying issues are fixed. It just means they are on hold for a while. Now you are in this cycle again. What will change this time from a new cycle starting? That is why I do think you would benefit from treatment. You may be able to stop again (and that is important and the first step) but I think there needs to be more than just stopping.


Re: Closet of skeltons, who's are they? [Re: dday101798] #173691
11/01/11 06:35 PM
11/01/11 06:35 PM
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CajunRose Offline
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Again, dday, you are confusing AA with Al-Anon. Two very different purposes, two very different audiences.


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Some Sequels Should Not Be Made [Re: dday101798] #173697
11/01/11 06:45 PM
11/01/11 06:45 PM
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I agree - AlAnon and AA are different and it doesn't sound like you are familiar with the differences.

Being able to stop or control the drinking behaviour doesn't address the underlying issues (the underlying needs), that if left unaddressed will continue to undermine family recovery efforts. AA is just one program that addresses the underlying issues. If that one doesn't work for you, there are others.

Originally Posted By: dday101798
But, someone will pop up out of the blue, a friend, brother, what have you, and they go off to do "their own thing", and I just get to thinking 'well, why do they / she get to go off and have fund and I get 'sent to my room' because what their doing is something I do not partake in? Again, yes I know, not exactly proper thinking, that's what I'm acknowledging.
^^^ You've identified part of the problem here. It will take some personal work to set your own goals and take responsibility for meeting them, regardless of your W's choices.


we: me44 + my husband Pookie :9: + S9 + D6
Re: Some Sequels Should Not Be Made [Re: flowmom] #173702
11/01/11 06:53 PM
11/01/11 06:53 PM
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The Castle Aaaggghh...
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The Castle Aaaggghh...
I guess I am wondering why you "get sent to your room." I did not have a drink of alcohol until I was about 35, but I had many adult friends who drank. I didn't leave the room or the restaurant. I just had my tea or diet coke, said no thanks, and enjoyed their company. Why do you HAVE to partake just because they are?

I mean, the idea of "it's not fair that they can and I can't" is kind of....childish.

Re: Some Sequels Should Not Be Made [Re: herfuturesbright] #173707
11/01/11 07:01 PM
11/01/11 07:01 PM
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Same here. I don't like the taste of alcohol, so I choose not to drink. I have lots of fun with my friends who do drink (and I win all the card games when they are drinking, bwahaha).

It seems pretty clear that the bigger problem for you to address is how the drinking and drug use affects your marriage. That's the point of Al-Anon. I don't see any way around dealing with that issue if you want your marriage to last.

And I think your older children realllly need counseling.


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Some Sequels Should Not Be Made [Re: CajunRose] #173719
11/01/11 07:35 PM
11/01/11 07:35 PM
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dday101798 Offline OP
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I'm personally content with the current approach that for the most all of you are tyring to convey.....

We each respectfully deal with our repective habits....in progress

Once those are quelled, effective communication will improve (part of what brought me here)......in progress.

From there we can discuss amoungst eachother and aide eachother through our daily dilemmas which for both of us are one in the same; a home of our own, financial stability, are the two key items. By working together to accomplish these versus going off and do our own unproductive activities (due to the seeminlgy unreachable heights they are in) there should be no reason to be "right back" in this type situation.

Times are hard. The article I recently refered about "self medicating" focused around this very thing: peoples finances going down the tank, running the risk of foreclosure or unemployment and keeping food on the table. And unfortunately, quite a few people have blundered along the way in the same fashion. Again, no, I don't condone it, but I can't fault or comdemn someone in a moment of weakness (barring mental/physical harm of course to self or others).

We know exactly how each other's actions effects the other. Again, communicating that seemed to go to the wayside, something that can't be allowed, nor the mindset, "it's all about me" because it's sure as heck is not. I've spent what 2 weeks trying to get that accross and we've come to that agreement.

Since putting the pieces back together almost 2 years ago, I have thrown family counseling out there many of times. As with anything, you can't force someone into counseling and expect them to go along. I'm fairly certain that should she feel we need to go seperately as couple, she would indeed this turn around. I had my own and she saw how I had changed for the better and would be willing to try.

The older boys, well, they are teens. They've been through a lot and in most aspects are boys acting out. They mantain good grades and are overall good kids and know that should they want couseling, they are more than welcome to it even if it's a financial hardship.

Last edited by dday101798; 11/01/11 07:36 PM.

I'm not a professional.... and I don't go exactly by the book.... but I did get the second chance to get things right. smile TIME.... Patience.... Self Investment.... smile
Re: Some Sequels Should Not Be Made [Re: dday101798] #173727
11/01/11 08:10 PM
11/01/11 08:10 PM
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dday101798 Offline OP
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wow,

taking a look around the rest of the boards, I'm so glad that we've cleared A LOT of stuff. And really come a long way. That was a memory lane trip.

too bad all my journalizing each day while going through our sitch is on a different site (if it's still there). Used to help me quite a bit in keeping focus.


I'm not a professional.... and I don't go exactly by the book.... but I did get the second chance to get things right. smile TIME.... Patience.... Self Investment.... smile
Re: Some Sequels Should Not Be Made [Re: dday101798] #173928
11/02/11 02:10 PM
11/02/11 02:10 PM
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Originally Posted By: dday101798
taking a look around the rest of the boards, I'm so glad that we've cleared A LOT of stuff. And really come a long way. That was a memory lane trip.


Funny I had this thought. Now a few days into this and seeing the err of my ways after clearing my head, I've lost sight of quite a few things learned about myself and life principles in general while going through, dealing with the divorce and making changes.

How quickly and easily we fall down.

Biggest rememberance this morning while walking to work: life changes are for you, no-one else. I can't remember how many times I read and said myself to others, "don't make changes for the purpose of winning your walk-away back, make them real and for you, in the end, they may caome back, they may not, but you're not going anywhere", something along that line. (kinda all still coming back).

Scary to think how life's daily challanges can get right back in the way of some of the biggest progresses.

Guess my point right now is for those still hoping for reconcilliation or in progress of it, keep your head clear and chin up, you could just find yourself spiriling right back into the same old issues without even realizing it. shocked

(x)W is starting to take note that I'm serious and need to get back on top of things, for us, our family and future. Making dinner last night, her (still) visiting brother from out of town and her other brother that lives with us were at the usual nightly routine, grab some you know whats and let's hang out while I'm still here. And so did (x)W and plops one on the counter next to me. I pick it up and put it over by her. She then picks it up and puts back by me and looks confused "this one's yours". Calmly and politely, 'hon, we've had this conversation, I can not have nor do I want that, too many things to get straightened out, thank you, but no thank you'.

She kind of had this blank & stunned look going on, with yet a warm smirk. Must have been testing me as she knows the first few days are the hardest. I don't think she finished the one she had.


I'm not a professional.... and I don't go exactly by the book.... but I did get the second chance to get things right. smile TIME.... Patience.... Self Investment.... smile
Re: Some Sequels Should Not Be Made [Re: dday101798] #173932
11/02/11 02:15 PM
11/02/11 02:15 PM
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Good for you for sticking to your decisions.


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Some Sequels Should Not Be Made [Re: CajunRose] #173933
11/02/11 02:23 PM
11/02/11 02:23 PM
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dday101798 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: CajunRose
Good for you for sticking to your decisions.


Thanks dancing

More a mandate rather a decision. lol

Once work slows down, gonna venture around the boards some more and if I can loan my $.02, I will. Doing so also helps me think of things I may be doing wrong, could do better or should or shouldn't be doing in my own situation. nod


I'm not a professional.... and I don't go exactly by the book.... but I did get the second chance to get things right. smile TIME.... Patience.... Self Investment.... smile
Re: Some Sequels Should Not Be Made [Re: dday101798] #173971
11/02/11 04:44 PM
11/02/11 04:44 PM
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Originally Posted By: dday101798
Scary to think how life's daily challanges can get right back in the way of some of the biggest progresses.

Scary, yes......but how life's daily challenges are dealt with can also lead to some of the biggest progress, too.


Quote:
(x)W is starting to take note that I'm serious and need to get back on top of things, for us, our family and future...
...Calmly and politely, 'hon, we've had this conversation, I can not have nor do I want that, too many things to get straightened out, thank you, but no thank you'.

I like how you said "I" instead of "we".....how you are taking responsibility for yourself in the situation. I also like how you told her that your goal is to straighten things out without getting more specific than that at the time.


Quote:
Must have been testing me as she knows the first few days are the hardest.

Change of any kind.....even good change.....can be hard for a lot of people. But in the case of alcohol or drug use, there is always the possibility that physical addiction/withdrawal might be part of why it's hard to change habits.

You've said that you've quit cold turkey before....and then gone back to it......so I want to mention this in case it helps you in your ongoing assessment.....

There are specific times during the first year that are harder than other times for many alcoholics/addicts who are getting clean and sober and it is advised that they increase their recovery efforts to help them get through it without relapsing. In your situation, I encourage you to notice if your times of wanting to go off the wagon seem to follow this pattern....so that you can use that information in your assessment of yourself and in your decisions that you will be making while working toward the life that you want. The times are 30 days, 60 days, 90 days (can be a doozy), 6 months (another doozy), 9 months and 1 year (doozy time).


Quote:
I don't think she finished the one she had.

If you find yourself monitoring (or comparing) her alcohol/drug use rather than maintaining your focus on your own alcohol/drug use goals, Alanon or Nar-Anon might be able to help you deal with those issues so that they don't prevent you from being able to be successful in achieving your goals.

Hope this information helps. smile

Re: Some Sequels Should Not Be Made [Re: LivingWell] #174723
11/05/11 12:34 AM
11/05/11 12:34 AM
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Hey dday. Just wanted to say hi and that I am sorry that things have taken a turn for the worse in the recovery of your M.

I don't have much advice to give, as I am still struggling with moving on from my own D, but I do think you are getting great advice here from the others. They are very knowledgeable and very helpful. Take their advice seriously.

I used to smoke a lot of weed and the cost does add up, along with the beer. If you are financially strapped, better to give it up for now or at least cut way back. It WILL make a difference.

Also, quitting the weed made a big difference in my life in terms of productivity and my general outlook. I had gotten to the point were I needed to smoke in order to feel normal. If I didn't smoke, I got very irritable and was tough to be around. Didn't take long to get over quitting and I think I was better off. Although I did end up D 12 years later.

I'll keep following along and post if I feel that I can add anything.

Keep working at it. Spend quality time with her, ask about her day, how she is feeling, what you can do to help. Try to focus on making suer that she feels like you care and making sure you do what you can to help her.

Best of luck with your continued recovery and thanks for all that you did for me early on in my sitch. You were a great help to me.


Me45 - S13, D11
Disconnected 7/1/12

I'm a brand new sky to hang the stars upon tonight......
Re: Some Sequels Should Not Be Made [Re: Danf] #174936
11/05/11 11:16 PM
11/05/11 11:16 PM
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t/j - I definitely need new glasses. I could have sworn the subject read: Some squeals should not be made.

ROFL


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Him: 53
Together: 34 years
Married: 27 years

"Aspire to Inspire before you Expire" Author Unknown

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Re: Some Sequels Should Not Be Made [Re: soolee] #174938
11/05/11 11:17 PM
11/05/11 11:17 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 2,090
soolee Offline
Member
soolee  Offline
Member
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 2,090
...apparently other squeals are perfectly acceptable. lol


Me: 53
Him: 53
Together: 34 years
Married: 27 years

"Aspire to Inspire before you Expire" Author Unknown

Welcome to Marriage Advocates! Please click here to join the group: http://www.marriageadvocates.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php/ubb/newuser
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