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Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Lil] #1307
09/07/10 08:25 AM
09/07/10 08:25 AM
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serendipitous Offline
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Hi Lil,

just have to comment on how strange it feels to be reading today the old history of Flick's A and the beginning of your R knowing where you both are now. Just really really strange.

Does it feel good to write it out knowing how far you both have come or is it triggering you? I ask because I'm not sure how I would feel if I were to sit down and write out mine and BB's story? I might want to gave him a whack around the head if I spent too much time re-living his A. blush

It will be so good for newbies to read when you get to the end though. I would have loved to have read your complete story soon after my D-Day. It gives such hope for a great outcome.


The sun never says to the earth "you owe me"
Look what happens with a love like that.
It lights up the whole sky.
Re: Lil' Blog [Re: serendipitous] #1405
09/07/10 10:05 PM
09/07/10 10:05 PM
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New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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Hi Sere,

Its oddly reliving.

I've had the 'story' in my mind for so long and I have very much wanted to write it down somewhere. This has just sort of become the somewhere LOL. Each time I write a bit - and I find I can only do it in small segments - I feel initially a bit ill, or angry, but when I read over something I wrote say, 2 days ago, I feel nothing. It has become just a story I have read, not an experience I have lived thru. Also by writing it down its a bit like I have given my mind permission to stop holding it tight in case something gets lost or forgot. That might sound odd... I have a bad memory so I have always had to work hard at remembering things, and make use of lists. I even have lists to remember other lists. For some reason this A stuff is being retained better than I would have thought, writing it down seems to be doing the work of a list - I can forget what's written on a list because its safe there.

I dont expect people to read it, its very long and detailed and full of irrelevancies. Its just the stuff my mind has kept hold of, and I need to get it down.

Man, did that make sense at all?? LOL


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Lil] #1454
09/08/10 02:11 AM
09/08/10 02:11 AM
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Gladstone Offline
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Makes perfect sense. I feel the same way - I will hold tight to a memory so that I don't lose it... but once I write it down, then I don't have to hang on to it so tightly. And then I'm free to stop dwelling on it.

Here is a trivial example: there is a film that my family loves that irritated the heck out of me. Finally, I sat down and wrote a long article about why I thought the movie set a terrible example for people, and why the character of the beloved grandfather was actually a morally vacuous reprobate. Once I wrote the article, I could let go of the irritation and enjoy the movie again with my family.


**Formerly known as Cuthbert Calculus**

"There is enough sadness in life without having fellows like Gussie Fink-Nottle going about in sea boots."

Glad Tidings

Gladstone's Sucess Story
Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Gladstone] #1626
09/08/10 09:34 PM
09/08/10 09:34 PM
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faith3343 Offline
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lil, I have been reading every word. Did not ever read through all of your postings so I appreciate you posting this even though it might be painful for you.

How long did it take for you to fully reconcile with Flick?

Always helpful to hear about others struggles and their successes even though I haven't recovered my marriage.


You could put a white dress on a pig, guess what it is still a pig.

Formerly Hope3343
Re: Lil' Blog [Re: faith3343] #1627
09/08/10 09:45 PM
09/08/10 09:45 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
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New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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Hi Faith,

I hope you learn much here wink

And remember, never give up. I had an experience a couple of weeks ago when I was lying in bed and thinking about the bad old days and Flick reached over and held my hand. It was dark, he wouldnt have known what I was thinking. I just thought to myself "I wish I could go back to the Lil I was during the A and let her feel this, just for a moment. She wouldnt have to know it was Flick, just know happiness was there"

Start of A to the start of recovery was about 7 months, but I would say it was only after the 2nd antiversary of D-day before I started to feel recovered, and only the last 3 months that I was sure of it.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Lil] #1661
09/08/10 11:43 PM
09/08/10 11:43 PM
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Lil Offline OP

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A couple of hours before DH came home, I received what was to be my 3rd and final ever message from OW
Quote
Hi lildoggie. Its just me. Two things - comunication and fun. Keep both of these strong and your marriage will be fine.
I did not reply.

The false recovery - I didnt know that is what it was while I was in it. I should have guessed really.

He text me to say he wanted to come home, he had been 'such a fool' and that he had really enjoyed his time in Rarotonga together. I was so happy, I cried (again *sigh*) I asked him when he was coming home, he said in a few days. I couldnt work that out but I didnt care. HE WAS COMING HOME! The timing seemed miraculous as I as an hour or so away from posting the plan B letter to him.

He eventually left PQ's house about 5 hours after sending me the texts. He did ring home 3 times but I had gone out. When we finally got in touch he said he was going to his mothers for a few days (not far from FIL#4's) and going to the races. I also got email from PQ telling me to be strong and keep the lines of communication open between Flick and I. I did not respond. Later on that night I got a text from H with the first kisses in it for a long time and an email from his mum confirming he was at her house.

This is from my other blog:
Quote
had a long talk with WH and the basic facts are, he got there tuesday afternoon and she told him to tell his wife to stop sending letters about his joke of a marriage to her parents, they had been fighting previously before we went away, and when he logged onto his email and saw my note about what she wrote on my bebo and he read it...it all just clicked for him. he realised that there was no relationship and he would and could never live with her.
he is still a bit more foggier than i would like, wasnt keen on the NC because he 'still considers her a friend" i asked him if the friendship was worth losing his wife over and he said no. he said i can put up on bebo and facebook that we are back together but doesnt want me to put negative stuff about her to which I replied i didnt want to ever hear of or about her again.
I warned him that he may go thru withdrawl and that he may feel it was too hard but it was normal and would pass and he said he understood. i told him i would be emailing him a list of steps to recovery and he was okay with it. He comes home on Sunday.


I got great advice - which I promptly ignored. Request a NC letter. Set boundaries. Don't lower the bar. I had it so low an ant wouldnt have noticed it.

Quote
(while he was at his mothers still) I asked him at one stage about what I was allowed to do as for the last 3 months I couldnt hug him or say ILU and I didnt want to mess things up, he said "do whatever you like' which I didnt like. When i asked him about telling people he's coming back he was again short, but that time i just said 'you didnt sound very enthusiastic" which is when he said he didnt want me saying bad stuff about her.



AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Lil] #1668
09/09/10 12:31 AM
09/09/10 12:31 AM
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New Zealand
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Flick was making some effort, enough that a starved BW accepted the crumbs as mana. During the days he was away we talked on the phone a lot, he said I should learn HAM radio (one of his hobbies) I said he would have to teach me, and he said "we need a good looking person on the radio" (yes despite all evidence, I was still feeling very insecure about my physical appeal.) He also mentioned that he was thinking of selling the MLC car and the mini.

He told me that he was going to buy a portable cabin to put in the back yard for the radio and studio gear as the current room in the garage was too small for both of us, and it meant we could move it easier when we left the farm. By this point we had both agreed to move on from the farm when my contract expired. I was happy with the idea of leaving the town, I had a good church and friends, but there were a lot of bad memories and triggers. I though I would enjoy giving up farming as well, as I had essentially lost interest in it,(and everything else) preferring to concentrate on Flick and my M. I was so happy the day he told me he was on his way home and that he was looking forward to getting back his clothes he had left behind. Only a few weeks before hand he had stood in my kitchen, looked at me and said he missed NOTHING at the house

After several months in plan A, I had become very good at ignoring 'WH', not a great thing for early recovery. I had a mantra at the time :
Always show your love
Be the better person
Expect nothing
Accept what good comes


I put it up on the bedroom wall along with a list he had given me at my request of what he wanted from me. I gave him my list of requirements. He commented that it made him feel like a naughty school boy.

The first night he was home, I made sure the house was spotless, the girls and I were on our best behaviour and I cooked his favourite meal. He seemed unsure of his welcome, but was sweet and gentle with us all. I took him aside after eating and asked him if he had done anything about the NC letter, he said he hadnt thought about it so I said it was a non negotiable condition, and that it was a stand I was taking. Without it I would not feel he was taking me seriously. He still kept bulking at doing it so I told him how close he had come to not being allowed back, that I had written him a letter saying I was fed up and ended up with saying, that he had a choice of no contact with me or her.
He started laughing but had tears in his eyes. He got his cell out and told me he was deleting "some numbers". I didnt see what they were but I thanked him anyway.

I was really very naive. The tears were from him feeling the loss of her, and the deleting was actually him changing her name on his cell to her middle name.

I tried very hard to be the wife he wanted, while still trying to get him on board with the MB concepts. I told him about the forums and read bits out to him. I got a copy of SAA and read bits out to him. I did the historical honestly thing in SAA with him. I asked for a NCL. I snooped and found little things but didnt think they added up to much, such as a few old txt messages thanking him for cigarettes. I asked him to take an STD test.

He started to get colder and colder towards me. He would go to his cousins and stay there for hours. He would go to Wellington to see his mum and sort out FIL#4's estate and stay for days.He went into the bank and I followed him in (without his 'permission' and watched him chance his statement address to FIL#4 from our house) to the bank. I knew we were getting further apart, but I couldn't figure out why. I asked him for his cell and couldn't see anything. I asked him for his passwords but didn't get them.I asked over and over for a NCL.I came home one day to find him on the couch crying. I thought it was just withdrawal.

We got to the point where I would walk into the room and he would deliberately make sure he wouldn't catch my eye. It was miserable and I just wanted him gone. I was rapidly heading towards having nothing left in the love bank. One morning he told me he "didn't even like me let alone love me". The same morning I had to pick up a lease bike for an upcoming motorcycle handling cert I was doing:
Quote
I am so confused!
So we went into town, got the bike did the slow driving and cornering no problem. As soon as I tried the do the weaving thru the obstacle course, I dropped it, and again, and again.
I broke the freaking bike I had hired! So I said I [Bleep!] give up and made him drive it back to town since I cant and told them I would get back to them about hiring another and I rung the testing officer and cancelled the test.
I was so bummed, it was like what the [Bleep!] else can go wrong today. I walked into the house and saw SAA and the 2 workbooks on marriage his mum gave him and I flipped. I picked them up and biffed the lot into the bin and went outside to smoke...and cry.
I came in and he has pulled them out of the bin and put them on the coffee table. he said "I didnt tell you to stop reading the book" I said there no value in me doing it. He didnt say anything so I said did you want us to do those books. He said he hadnt even looked at them yet. I said I had flicked thru one and it seemed to be alot like the questions I had asked him last night (I had been reading SAA and he 'allowed' me to ask him some of the history questions. I actually liked that AND learnt 3 fairly personal things about him, like he is a lot more fragile emotionally than I thought...fear of not being liked, feels lonely)
He never said anything else about it and the books are still sitting on the table.
What am I suppose to do? He doesnt like me. Why is he here? How is this suppose to be 'fixed' when he wont do anything?




AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Lil] #1971
09/10/10 02:09 AM
09/10/10 02:09 AM
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New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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Its Friday afternoon in NZ, meaning the weekend is a-coming and neither Flick or I have work... woohoo!

Hoping he and DD14 will agree to a picnic tomorrow 'somewhere', anywhere that is not here.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Lil] #1975
09/10/10 02:18 AM
09/10/10 02:18 AM
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Telly Offline
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thanks for posting your story, Lil.

So heartwrenching.

But I did get choked up in a GOOD way when I read this:

"I wish I could go back to the Lil I was during the A and let her feel this, just for a moment. She wouldnt have to know it was Flick, just know happiness was there"


Married 13 years
D10
D5
Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Telly] #1989
09/10/10 03:14 AM
09/10/10 03:14 AM
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Posts: 2,219
Florida
Gladstone Offline
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I've been following this, too. It's nice to know in advance that this story has a happy ending. You don't always get to see that when following someone's situation in real time.


**Formerly known as Cuthbert Calculus**

"There is enough sadness in life without having fellows like Gussie Fink-Nottle going about in sea boots."

Glad Tidings

Gladstone's Sucess Story
Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Gladstone] #2329
09/11/10 08:38 AM
09/11/10 08:38 AM
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Lil Offline OP

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Awww thanks guys blush

Telly, I have thought that thought about Lil-dealing-with-Flicks-A before, but I think it was the first time the happiness was less "we're in recovery and I am happy or else" and more just normal happy and comfortable to be with my honey.

Still, I really do wish sometimes we could go back and comfort us when we were so miserable.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Lil] #2397
09/11/10 07:53 PM
09/11/10 07:53 PM
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Posts: 1,883
Gateway to the West
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{{{{{Lil}}}}

Just wanted to give you that......

Not

Ps...:I brought my luggage with me, but I still love you more.... wink


" If you couldn't change your partner when you were together, you sure aren't going to now that you aren't together..." Words of the teacher of the court mandated parenting class...and the ONE thing that stuck out to me!!!
Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Not2fun] #2937
09/14/10 02:35 AM
09/14/10 02:35 AM
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No, I am not updating. I am not allowing myself to do anything else until I get this final question done on the stats paper.

Oops blush



AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Lil] #3865
09/15/10 11:51 PM
09/15/10 11:51 PM
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Ok, school is done until next term, babies are fed and so on with our story....

While Flick had been going off to his mothers, I suspect he gave her the wayward version of events at home. In any case she decided the best thing for us after a mere 2 weeks of recovery would be if Flick went to England to 'paint his sisters house' and to 'give us some space from each other and the tension at home', as well as giving us all a chance to grief the death of FIL#4. My MB support group told me it was a terrible idea. While there was a good chance he would break no contact in early recovery, it was a guarantee that he would once away from me. I tried to talk him into having me come as well, but he made arrangements so that I could not. I was fairly gutted, especially with how our recovery was going.

He started keeping his cell on him at all times again AND started locking his car which had an alarm. The one time I was in it for a few moments I had a quick look in the glovebox and discovered a diary of sorts, but didn't get time to read it. Later on he had a shower and left the keys on the kitchen bench. I had never used a system like he had but amazingly managed to get the car open and photograph some pages with the digital camera, relock the car and return the keys before he came out. When he had gone to his cousins I read the pages and mostly they were about how very depressed he was and how he didnt want to be at home. I was very sad about it. I also discovered her address and phone numbers, and he was giving OW rather a lot of money.

I finally had enough the day we had gone for a drive up the mountain. It had been very tense as usual. He had made some comment that morning, about how he sometimes thought he should sell up everything, buy a motorhome, move down south and pan for gold. I had asked him where I fitted into this plan and he told me I didn't. Then he told me he didn't even like me, let alone love me.

So while we were in the car, to try and relax the atmosphere I started talking about a friend of mine and some issues she was having. He said to me he didn't care about my friends. A few other things were said with the result he said that "to care for someones friend, you have to care about the someone." I took that to mean to care about my friends, he would ahve to care abut me.

I went to MB and proceeded to write up my PBL. I had great help from one particular poster, who managed to give excellent advice to a very worn out and fed up woman. I printed out the letter and I had a bath, thought about it, came out and sat down across from him. I said "do you see a future with us?"
he put his book down and looked at me for several minutes and said "maybe."

I thought about it for a few minutes myself, and concluded that if he wasnt coming back from England as I had begun to suspect, then I had nothing to lose except 4 more days of heart break. I had had enough and really couldnt take any more of it. So I gave him the letter and went for a short walk outside.
I came back in expecting him to be packing and he was sitting on the chair I had left him in.
I made me a coffee and as a thought kept coming to me (Be kind) I made him him one as well. We sat in silence for about half an hour, then he said he was going into town and asked if I wanted anything. I said milk and I would pay him back.
He came home with milk, watched a little TV, and then went out to his HAM shed. I was a bit unsure what to do - why wasnt he leaving? I cooked tea, and sent him a txt saying it was ready. he came in, said it looked nice, thanked me for it after. Said he had been to a shop in town to look for a back pack (something he was going to get instead of a suitcase for the UK trip), took 2 asprin and went back to his shed. When he came in next, he had a very long letter which said he wanted to be home, wanted me to be me and that he could see a future with us.

I thanked him for his letter, and discussed several points with him. No surprises that most of it revolved around OW. He admitted he was still in contact with her, but it was not relationship, more to do with the money he was giving her. Their plan had been he would move in with her, and once he had decided against it he felt that he had created a problem with her being unable to pay rent and utilities so felt it was the right thing to do in the short term, but was not going to do it again.
I explained the need I had for transparency. A' person with nothing to hide, hides nothing'. I needed passwords, more for accountability than anything else. Also having to ask him for on going reassurance would annoy him more than just knowing that should I get the need, I could check up on him. That regardless of what common sense tells me, I couldnt help but feel that she had 'stolen' him from me, that for all her support of him when FIL died, I was angry because it should have been me, and that I needed to learn to be his wife in the important areas and he needed to show me. He wasnt happy but he gave me his passwords.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Lil] #3900
09/16/10 01:12 AM
09/16/10 01:12 AM
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Lil Offline OP

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We played nice for the next 2 days until he left for England, although he did wander in and out of the waywardness attitude. I rang him while he was at the airport and he was so cold and short I just said "oh well, only ringing to say bye, goodbye" and hung up. He txt me from Bahrain and then rang me when I didn't respond - I had been under the impression he wasn't wanting a response. Then I spent the next 3 days looking at his emails, social networking pages and watching him log on and off of his email which triggered an alert on a programme I had installed. I discovered he had shared personal things with OW that he had never shared with me, which hurt, but couldn't see anything concretely solid to go on.

On July 4th, WH MSN'ed me and was very short, and obviously very bored. I asked him about something and his only response was do whateva you want.
I got madder and madder so finally said "I'm sorry I'm so boring" and logged off.

I stewed on it for a while, "do whateva you want" was his 'tell' during the A. I used to hear it whenever he had been in contact with OW. After 30 mins I checked to see if he was offline which he was, and I logged onto his MEN only to find my concrete proof.

OW sent 4/07/2008 8:30 p.m.:
Hey WH its OW sister, OW said to tell you she is staying at mum and dads tonight and cant txt coz she got no credit but will message you tomorrow.
OW sent 4/07/2008 8:30 p.m.:
cya

I rang him, asked him where he wanted his stuff sent. He said 'to mums, why'. I told him what I had found, told him I'd had enough and hung up.
Then I rang his mother and told her why he shouldn't have gone to England. I heard later she rang him straight back and opened with "I have just had a call from your very irate wife..."


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Lil] #3910
09/16/10 01:35 AM
09/16/10 01:35 AM
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Lil Offline OP

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I was pretty angry at first. I emailed the PBL to him, and because of the time zone difference (he was asleep) I stated a real deep down search of his social networking page. I looked at bits I had never thought of looking in. I discovered he has writen to some woman on a facebook application that he had just been thrown out and he hoped he haddent burnt his bridges with his 'lady friend'.

It was about then I got a message saying that I had mail on an application I had on FB (Owned). It made me look at his Owned application and there I found the mother load.

The day I had come home to find him crying, he had made contact with OW, asking her if they were still friends. She said they were and added SHE had taken him off her pages and contacts to make recovery easier on me. There followed conversations where she hinted for money, which I knew he gave her from bank statements I had got. The conversation stopped abruptly - I found out later he had set up a 'secret' email account. The A was on again, but in EA form only.

I sent out a re-exposure email to those I felt it was worth exposing to, had a couple of arguments about my priorities and stance with people, and then slid into full on misery. I just could not believe he had done it to me again. I was really heartbroken, however this time I didn't go insane. I started to pack up his crap, and it was hard. The girls refused to talk to him and plan B'd him themselves. I stopped the phone/cell package (he said later the txt he got saying I had done that was very unsettling to him), and started removing him from my life bit by bit... facebook, bebo, MSN, yahoo, but only one at a time and the next a few days later. I was clinging by my finger tips, but believed it was over and plan D was ahead.

The farm was starting to crank up again and I was grateful. I would be busy enough over the coming months to not focus so much on the turn of events.

I went to the lawyers and got a legal separation drawn up. I cried the night YDD said he goodnight prayers and asked Him if she could have her daddy back for her birthday, July 27.

Apparently God listens to children's prayers, because on July 21st, after 16 days of plan B, I got the message the A was over and he was willing to do whatever it took to get our marriage back on track.




AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Lil] #4909
09/20/10 08:00 AM
09/20/10 08:00 AM
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Lil Offline OP

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I read somewhere once that you know your truly recovered when you have a domestic dispute with your spouse and its several hours later you realise that not only did it not trigger you, you didn't even think of the A at all.

It happened to me over the weekend.

Who knew an argument could be a blessing grin


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Lil] #5067
09/20/10 10:51 PM
09/20/10 10:51 PM
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believer Offline
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I stll remember that BD prayer and it brings tears to my eyes....

Re: Lil' Blog [Re: believer] #5312
09/21/10 11:45 PM
09/21/10 11:45 PM
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Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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Me 2 B.

Early recovery was difficult as early recovery is, but better, much MUCH better than the false recovery. Flick actually made an effort to go thru the motions. To start with we were not in a financial position for do MB couselling, and when the money did come, he didnt want to do it, so I made up a programme. I used bits from SAA, HNHN,BRF and a few of the articles on the MB website. Because of his reluctance and because of his lack of joy in reading, I had to read each and every 'lesson' to him, and we took about 10 weeks to complete it.

I made him start a thread on MB, which in hindsight I would do again, but only after a period of time had elapsed, in order to get him prepared for running the gamut, and to ensure only people with OUR best interested posted to him. The run of angry (predominantly BW) newly betrayed was alarming. I lashed out at some well meaning people which I did regret later, once I realised I was responding from fear. Fear that he would say it was too hard, fear that he would be turned off the idea of MB - something that I was not at all willing to attempt recovery without.

We had a lot of emotional ups and downs, but nothing outside of what I had seen from other recovery couples. Things went well-ish for the first few months.

In November our recovery got a hard knock from our ODD who ran away. The resulting police search and conflict from my ex, put us under significant strain. We did manage to reconcile with her of sorts by Christmas, but she was now moved out from home for good.

In march we flew to America and while I was there I got to meet many of the wonderful people I had met on MB. Co-inciding with the D-day antiversary was a visit to Columbia towers in seattle where I got to spend a large part of the day with 3 wonderful. funny, and wise women. I really wish everyones first DDA could be held in such a lovely gathering.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Lil] #5963
09/23/10 08:29 PM
09/23/10 08:29 PM
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OurHouse Offline
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Bumping this thread for Tinkerbell.

Re: Lil' Blog [Re: OurHouse] #6063
09/24/10 02:43 AM
09/24/10 02:43 AM
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Bump again for Tink.

Re: Lil' Blog [Re: OurHouse] #6654
09/26/10 10:28 PM
09/26/10 10:28 PM
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Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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Lil's very long and wordy Plan B Letter:

Dear Flick,
This is the most difficult letter that I've ever written in my life.

I have been doing a lot of thinking in the 3 weeks since you ‘came home'. I have finally come to some conclusions.
I still have feelings for you that range from great affection to love. This surprises me considering the amount of hurt I have felt during the last 6 months. I guess this proves to me that I did have a large love balance with you. It is because of these feelings that I still have that I have come to realise some things.

I would like to retain these good feelings and memories of you, I do not wish to grow to hate you.
So despite the fact that really I do not want to do this, the sensible part of me dictates that I have let you come home too early, too easily, and have not stood up for myself. I have allowed you to cross boundaries I shouldn't have. I have a strong commitment to my marriage, but not at the expense of my self worth. I want to stay a joyful person.

I want you to know that I am truly sorry for my part in creating the environment that helped to make this affair possible. I pursued my career without understanding my primary responsibility as your wife. I deeply regret that I did not give you the time, attention, and affection that you desired to be happy. I hope that one day you will forgive me so we can create a new future together.

Over these last few months, I have been learning what a marriage should be and I've tried to show you this during the times that we're together and I have learnt alot. It's like a light bulb came on for me and I think I know what's needed to make our marriage a happy, loving and supportive place to be. I have made so many changes. I believe I have shown to you that I can and am willing to make these changes. But the biggest thing I have learned is that there isn't anybody or anything as important to me as you are. I truly believe you are the man I asked God for, and that He sent you to me. However, every time I see you or talk to you now, my heart breaks because I want so much for things to be different. I want more than you are willing to give to me right now.

I am confident that we can overcome our problems and that we can start a new life together meeting each other's needs so that we can both be happy. Even if it involves moving away from dairying so that we can spend more time with each other, and enjoying our two wonderful girls, spending time doing new things together and with friends, making memories.

I've tried so hard to stay connected to you even under extremely difficult circumstances & I treasure every contact that we have. However, this situation has become too excruciating for me to endure. Knowing that you want someone else is tearing me to pieces. This is unbearable. Also I know you are still seriously grieving Fred. I want to help you with that, and be supportive; it was a very sad time for me too. I regret that we both couldn't have been of more comfort to each other

So I'm asking you to please understand that I need to protect my feelings for you so that if you decide to give our marriage a real chance, I will still love you and want to try again. The only way I can think of to do this is to end all contact with you until PQ is no longer a part of our marriage and you are truly willing to work on it. This kills me because this is not what I want. I haven't made this decision to punish you; it's to protect my feelings for you and our chances at a real reconciliation. If I carry on like this, there will be nothing left. I almost sent you a letter similar to this after Rarotonga, but you said you wanted to come home. I should have done it anyway. These last 3 weeks have been very bittersweet.

Please do not call, e-mail, or text unless you have permanently separated from PQ and have decided that you want to work on rebuilding our marriage with me. I don't want your relationship with the girls to suffer more so I will be as flexible as possible with visitation of them, however you can't have contact with me during pick up and drop off times. I would also like any of the regular communications between us to be handled through a mutual friend or relative of your choice, such as your mum, Nikki or Vikki D*****

It is not that I don't want you in my life, I want this more than anything, but I want all of you… and I want you all to myself. Sharing you is just too painful. I hope that one day you will decide to come back so we can begin again. I want to grow old with you.

Love Lil


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Lil] #6655
09/26/10 10:33 PM
09/26/10 10:33 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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Lil  Offline OP

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New Zealand
Exposure letter to PQ's parents:

Dear Mr and Mrs PQ's Parents

My name is Lil Doggie, I am Flick Doggie's wife.

I am writing as part of a recovery plan that I am in regarding this situation. I am not writing to stir or for revenge. My other reason for writing is to help you gain a better understanding of the facts of this situation.

Flick and PQ appear to have started a relationship of sorts around New Year while both were employed at the RS. This turned into a physical relationship around the middle of February. I was aware something was not right but had put it down to Flick recently finding out about his father's health, and the stress of waiting to see if the RS would be keeping him on as a permanent member of staff. As all marriages have up and down times, I believed it would pass.
I discovered the affair after 3 weeks of suspicion on March 9th. It came as an immense shock to me as Flick was still living with myself and our children and had not indicated that he was unhappy in the marriage, just life in general. The children and I still love Flick and wish him to become part of our family again. Flick has indicated that if it were not for PQ he would be prepared to return home and work on our issues. He did not move out from home until I discovered the relationship.

While Flick has been living in Wellington and caring for Fred, we have been in almost daily contact. He spent a long weekend here shortly after moving there, and I have had 2 one-week stays with him. We have discussed many things. I now believe we have no insurmountable problems, they can be fixed. During this time we have frequently been intimate. I need to tell you of my continuing love and desire for reconciliation with Flick. When you get this letter Flick, the girls and I will be on a family holiday in Rarotonga

I understand that PQ has bi-polar, something that can make a person emotionally and mentally fragile. I do not believe that PQ and Flick's relationship is in PQ's best interests. I realise that she is a consenting adult, but I think that you would wish to see your daughter happy and settled. Unfortunately, I now find Flick being sometimes untruthful to me, so it is probably both to PQ and me. If he is not being entirely honest in what he tells me, I wonder what Flick has told PQ, or if she is now set up to be badly hurt.

My parents too, wish to see me happy. I wish to see my children happy. We have a 16-year-old daughter and an 11-year-old daughter who is mildly disabled. It breaks my heart to see them feel they need to comfort me. I also grieve to see them losing faith in their father's love. On top of all this is the recent loss of Fred, a man I consider my father in law and the girls consider to be their grandfather.

I am hoping that you will discuss this letter and the points and issues I have brought up with PQ so she has a better understanding of what she is involved with.

I am happy to give you my contact information if there is anything you wish to discuss with me. Otherwise, I am very sorry that this letter is necessary.

Lil Doggie
84 Woof-woof Road
RD 15
Dogsville

PS. Keeping with openness and honesty, I will be emailing a copy of this letter to Flick for his perusal after the holiday.
LD


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Lil] #6658
09/26/10 10:36 PM
09/26/10 10:36 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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Lil  Offline OP

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New Zealand
I actually tried to ring PQ's parents but could never get thru, hence the parental exposure letter above. Being who I am, I did have a prepared script:

Hi is that mr [PQ's Dad]?

My name is Lil Doggie, I am Flick Doggies wife.

I am sorry to be ringing you but essentially my counsellor has told me to.

Flick and PQ started their relationship about 9 weeks ago.

I found out about it about 6 weeks ago

It came as a bit of a shock to me as Flick was still living with myself and our children and had not indicated that he was unhappy in the marriage.

The children and I still love Flick and wish him to become part of our family again. Flick has indicated that if it was not for PQ he would be prepared to return home and work on our issues. He did not move out from home until I discovered the relationship.

I believe that Flick is not being entirely honest when he tells his story to people, hence this call.

I spent last week with Flick and his father in Wellington and we discussed many things. I now believe we have no insurmountable problems, they can be fixed.

I know that this means nothing to you, but I just wanted to let you know.
II am happy to give you my contact number if you wish, otherwise, I am sorry that this call was necessary.

Lil


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Lil' Blog [Re: Lil] #6692
09/27/10 12:15 AM
09/27/10 12:15 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 162
Ohio
Chailover Offline
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Ohio
Thanks for this thread. I never really did know your entire story.


Divorced 12/09
ex BW
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