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Re: What advice would you give your children concerning marriage? [Re: catperson] #234463
05/21/12 12:18 AM
05/21/12 12:18 AM
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Has somebody already said this...if not, I was remembering what James Dobson once said....

That people should prepare for M/choose a spouse with their eyes wide open and then judge their spouse after the M with their eyes half shut....I didn't do the quote justice. But he said we tend to do it in reverse, which I think is true.

Re: What advice would you give your children concerning marriage? [Re: herfuturesbright] #234639
05/21/12 03:43 PM
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This may have already been mentioned. I know I talk about it now and then, and it's because there just isn't enough of it going on in my marriage:

Learn how to own your behavior and apologize. If you can't do this without a problem before you get married, my advice would be to either not marry or get this straightened out before you subject someone else to being married to someone who can't apologize.

It's a time thief and shaves, cumulatively, years off your relationship due to the silent treatment you will both endure. You both deserve better than that. Life is just too darn short.



Me: 53
Him: 53
Together: 34 years
Married: 27 years

"Aspire to Inspire before you Expire" Author Unknown

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Re: What advice would you give your children concerning marriage? [Re: soolee] #234978
05/22/12 05:57 PM
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Do not be unevenly yoked to an unbeliever.

Do go to premarital counseling (both of you) with a trained Christian marital counselor.


Re: What advice would you give your children concerning marriage? [Re: ForeverHers] #235003
05/22/12 06:50 PM
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Originally Posted By: ForeverHers
Do not be unevenly yoked to an unbeliever.

Do go to premarital counseling (both of you) with a trained Christian marital counselor.



Interesting insights. You can always be trusted to throw in some religious assumptions. What if the person getting married is either non-religious or non-Christian?

My point is that the advice only applies to Christians, at most.


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: What advice would you give your children concerning marriage? [Re: AntigoneRisen] #235009
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I'm not a religious person. However, I do think FH's advice is vital for a believer. How often do we have one spouse here who is religious married to one who isn't?

Also, a lot of the stuff in the Bible is excellent advice, even if one doesn't believe. The II Cor. 6:14-18 verse could apply in a lot of situations.

Marriage IS like two oxen being yoked together through life. It is good that people envision how that life would be with the partner they have chosen.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: What advice would you give your children concerning marriage? [Re: believer] #235086
05/22/12 11:16 PM
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I never believed it even as a Christian, although I respect anyone's right to believe it. In fact, most Muslims also believe this - as is their right. Hindu arranged marriage has similar principles...generally speaking. So, that advice would be valuable to anyone who held those values.

My point is to be careful to give the advice to those with those values. That includes your children. Otherwise, you are advising someone to swap his/her values with your own, and it can come across as an insult...a refusal to accept the values of the other as valid.

I know. My father gave me this same advice, which couldn't have been less welcome to me.

Just some food for thought.


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: What advice would you give your children concerning marriage? [Re: believer] #235087
05/22/12 11:16 PM
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Originally Posted By: believer
How often do we have one spouse here who is religious married to one who isn't?
Not sure how often, but that is the situation in my marriage. I believe it has helped us both out of our respective "boxes" and to go far beyond the restrictive boundaries of belief, dogma, and doctrine. These have nothing to do with the kind of life and marriage we both envision. And it has not impeded one iota our involvement in a marriage ministry.


"Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me."
Re: What advice would you give your children concerning marriage? [Re: Fiddler] #235115
05/23/12 01:12 AM
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I'm glad that it works for you, Fiddler.

My only point was that I do see an important truth to the Bible verse I quoted.

I won't address the Christian viewpoint right now, except to say this: when a partner in a Christian marriage needs advice about infidelity or marriage problems, there are built in remedies through the church. Someone else who is a believer can pontificate more.

For me, "unequally yoked" works. I don't want to end up yoked to a lazy ox, a mean ox, or a weak ox, because we should be pulling together.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: What advice would you give your children concerning marriage? [Re: believer] #235118
05/23/12 01:18 AM
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It was very important to me to marry someone who was a Christian to whom faith was important because it was such a focal point/foundation for my own life. I also wanted to participate with my h in ministry (didn't have to be "official" ministry) and base out lives on similar truths.

Sadly, I also wish we had taken such care to talk about our thoughts and beliefs in other areas of marriage in ADDITION to whether we both thought the Bible was God's Word.

Basically, if something is vitally important, and your spouse sees it is unimportant, that is a tough thing to overcome.

Re: What advice would you give your children concerning marriage? [Re: AntigoneRisen] #235352
05/24/12 01:46 PM
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Originally Posted By: AntigoneRisen
Originally Posted By: ForeverHers
Do not be unevenly yoked to an unbeliever.

Do go to premarital counseling (both of you) with a trained Christian marital counselor.



Interesting insights. You can always be trusted to throw in some religious assumptions. What if the person getting married is either non-religious or non-Christian?

My point is that the advice only applies to Christians, at most.


ummmm....perhaps it's more like you can always be trusted to throw in some Atheisitic, anti-Christian, assumptions? My response was On Topic, yours was not. Your response was a direct attack on me and my beliefs and an apparent violation of TOS. Shame on you.

For the RECORD, AR, the Question being answered was: What advice would you give your children concerning marriage?


You can tell your own children anything you want to tell them.

Re: What advice would you give your children concerning marriage? [Re: AntigoneRisen] #235353
05/24/12 01:48 PM
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Originally Posted By: AntigoneRisen
I never believed it even as a Christian, although I respect anyone's right to believe it. In fact, most Muslims also believe this - as is their right. Hindu arranged marriage has similar principles...generally speaking. So, that advice would be valuable to anyone who held those values.

My point is to be careful to give the advice to those with those values. That includes your children. Otherwise, you are advising someone to swap his/her values with your own, and it can come across as an insult...a refusal to accept the values of the other as valid.

I know. My father gave me this same advice, which couldn't have been less welcome to me.

Just some food for thought.

I prefer not to eat poison no matter how "appealing" it is disguised.


Re: What advice would you give your children concerning marriage? [Re: Fiddler] #235355
05/24/12 02:05 PM
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Originally Posted By: Fiddler
Originally Posted By: believer
How often do we have one spouse here who is religious married to one who isn't?
Not sure how often, but that is the situation in my marriage.


So who is the "religious" one and who is not in your unevenly yoked marriage? For the one who is the "religious" one, what is it that they believe and what "religious" type of group do you/she identify with? How important is your/her belief, especially when it comes to raising children?



Originally Posted By: Fiddler
I believe it has helped us both out of our respective "boxes" and to go far beyond the restrictive boundaries of belief, dogma, and doctrine. These have nothing to do with the kind of life and marriage we both envision.



If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. - (Rom 12:18 NIV)

To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. - (1Cr 7:12 NIV)

And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. - (1Cr 7:13 NIV)



"I believe it has helped us both out of our respective "boxes" and to go far beyond the restrictive boundaries of belief, dogma, and doctrine."

ahhhh....the restrictive boundaries argument. Let's not be so general there, Fiddler. WHAT restrictive boundaries are you referring to. Discussion of generalities is not very worthwhile, but since you put it out there as your opinion, let's deal with the specifics to which you are so against as to label them "restrictive boundaries."



Originally Posted By: Fiddler
And it has not impeded one iota our involvement in a marriage ministry.


I'm sure it hasn't. LOTS of people are making money "advising" others on how to deal with their problems, and the vast majority of them are NOT Christian Counselors who counsel others according to God's Word.


But that also has little to do with being unequally yoked....say a zebra and a lion yoked together....or a person heading for one destination and the person they are yoked to heading in the opposite direction.



Re: What advice would you give your children concerning marriage? [Re: ForeverHers] #235485
05/24/12 09:54 PM
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My wife and I are certainly not "unevenly yoked" - we are quite equal, thank you. We are both religious, and happen to have different beliefs. I get the impression you have a problem with that. Please show me to be wrong about that.

The most important issue in raising children is not to indoctrinate them into one narrow set of beliefs, but to prepare them to come to terms with their spiritual life in their own way. Someone I know in my parish told me that if we didn't raise them Catholic, they would go to hell. While I can't be 100% sure that non-Catholics will go to hell, I don't believe I get to make that choice. This is an example of a "restrictive boundary" - one I believe to be man-made, not God-made,

Originally Posted By: ForeverHers
LOTS of people are making money "advising" others on how to deal with their problems, and the vast majority of them are NOT Christian Counselors who counsel others according to God's Word.
I don't know whether "LOTS" of people do this or not. Perhaps you are suggesting that is what we do.

Quote:
But that also has little to do with being unequally yoked....say a zebra and a lion yoked together....or a person heading for one destination and the person they are yoked to heading in the opposite direction.
I have no idea what this means. I am not a lion and my wife is not a zebra (or were you saying it is the other way around?). Do you know the "destination" of either one of us? If so, then please enlighten me.

In the context of the thread, the people with the healthiest spirituality have been ones who have overcome their indoctrination and spiritual wounding imposed on them as children by well-meaning but misguided religion.

For a couple considering marriage, I would recommend having long and deep discussion about respective beliefs and level of tolerance. If it is a dealbreaker to have a spouse with different beliefs, best to know that up front and save a lot of pain and heartache. The other thing is to recognize that a healthy spirituality is not stagnant, but grows and changes (and hopefully deepens). So a couple should recognize that they both will change with time.


"Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me."
Re: What advice would you give your children concerning marriage? [Re: Fiddler] #235650
05/25/12 02:22 PM
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My xH and I had a lot of talks about religion before we married. He was Catholic, I was Methodist. We shared the same level of spirituality, but different beliefs. We developed a compromise plan for how we would raise our future children.

Fast forward 7 years...xH decided he didn't want anything to do with organized religion period and didn't really want our children exposed either.

It's great to have those types of conversations now...but also know how you would react if the other changes their mind. For a couple without much religious leanings, they probably also ought to talk about how to handle the opposite situation, where one of them might become deeply religious and the other doesn't.



Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: What advice would you give your children concerning marriage? [Re: CajunRose] #236220
05/28/12 08:12 AM
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Absolutely, Cajun. Very good consideration. It can and does happen.


Me: 53
Him: 53
Together: 34 years
Married: 27 years

"Aspire to Inspire before you Expire" Author Unknown

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Re: What advice would you give your children concerning marriage? [Re: soolee] #236457
05/29/12 08:47 PM
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I thought about this some more last night, Cajun, and I wanted to add that while the "in love" feelings are strong (PEAs) religion may actually take a back burner. Where previously your spirituality may have been a big part of your life, during the onset and first part of the relationship, it may not be your primary focus.

So, I think it is very possible for your partner to get an inaccurate read on your views of religion and spirituality while the PEAs are strong. This is another reason not to become engaged until they wear off. (Ha - right.)

Later on, when there is a life altering shift during the relationship, such as marrying and moving away from your FOO or getting pregnant, suddenly the religion you grew up with, that relationship with your creator, may take on new meaning and become an important focus again.

In my case, this did not hit me until I was married and living away from my FOO and became horribly homesick for all that was familiar to me - my parents, my relationship with God, my church, even my dog.

I set about filling the void by getting a cat, taking classes, gardening, working overtime - but it boiled down to me struggling horribly with what denomination to follow and what to do about future children and their spiritual upbringing. This went on for years. Years. It was pure anguish for me. It was very hard.

So, back to the point. Don't get engaged until the PEAs wear off and you can truly address the fundamental things in your life that you felt strongly about back before you two found each other. If you don't address it before you get married, trust me - those issues will come back to haunt you until you find a way to incorporate them back into your life or come to a compromise that you are honestly at peace with.

Last edited by soolee; 05/29/12 08:54 PM.

Me: 53
Him: 53
Together: 34 years
Married: 27 years

"Aspire to Inspire before you Expire" Author Unknown

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Re: What advice would you give your children concerning marriage? [Re: soolee] #236459
05/29/12 08:54 PM
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I'd even advise people to write down a list of what is important to you in life and in a partner! I know women who have a list in their head and throw it out the window as soon as they meet a man who is a little interested. Those who write the list down and refer back tend to be more willing to leave an early relationship that isn't going to meet those written criteria. Almost like a contract with yourself.


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: What advice would you give your children concerning marriage? [Re: CajunRose] #236460
05/29/12 09:00 PM
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Yes, and I think this is where it is better, honestly, to wait until your mid 20's when you're a bit more mature and truly know what things make you who you are and what things make you feel whole - without the other person involved.

Lust plays a guilty role in side tracking an otherwise rational, centered, focused individual like I felt I was prior to beginning an intimate relationship with my husband. Somehow you get this impression that "Love" will see you through anything, but what you don't realize is that it isn't "Love" in a genuine, long-lasting, to-the-grave form that you're feeling in those weeks and months. It's PEAs, lust, emotion.

You really do need to come back down to earth and see each other through many different challenges without the rose colored glasses. It's really so very important, especially if you are considering them as a prospective spouse.


Me: 53
Him: 53
Together: 34 years
Married: 27 years

"Aspire to Inspire before you Expire" Author Unknown

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Re: What advice would you give your children concerning marriage? [Re: soolee] #236564
05/30/12 06:43 AM
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I think the advice I give my children will be based on the mistakes that they have seen us make.

1) You can only control yourself.
2) Don't lose sight of what is important to you.
3) Take responsibility for your choices, which leads into
4) Be with the person you want to be with, not who you think you should be with.


Married 22years (this year) ~13y since dday(?)
DD17 DS14
Which way do you like yourself? ~ Stosny
Re: What advice would you give your children concerning marriage? [Re: Squeaky Tree] #236696
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Always have pre-marital counseling from an actual counselor who has at least a Masters in counseling and a specialization in marriage counseling, not a couple of semester-long classes in seminary school.

Let the religious leader counsel you in how to have God in your marriage.

Re: What advice would you give your children concerning marriage? [Re: catperson] #236698
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Also always save one hour a week for discussion of your relationship where you vow to be fair and honest and NOT merely defending yourself.

Re: What advice would you give your children concerning marriage? [Re: catperson] #236713
05/30/12 05:47 PM
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Always keep your career going and some money you can access because you never know when it will be just you. Your spouse can leave at any point. (My D15 says that was the smartest thing I ever did.)

Don't date or marry someone who is not tolerant of your religion.

Don't marry a man who doesn't understand the phrase "Ladies first" or it will really be "Ladies never".

Only marry someone who agrees that if either one of you requests MC you both have to go.

Trust but verify.

Spouse first, then kids, then rest of family. If you put the kids first, the marriage will fail which is the worst thing for the kids.

Watch how your spouse treats his parents.





I am working very hard to heal after 8 years in an emotionally abusive marriage.
Re: What advice would you give your children concerning marriage? [Re: Misty] #236714
05/30/12 05:51 PM
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Originally Posted By: Misty
Watch how your spouse treats his parents.
AND service workers.

Re: What advice would you give your children concerning marriage? [Re: CajunRose] #236761
05/30/12 09:43 PM
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Originally Posted By: CajunRose
I'd even advise people to write down a list of what is important to you in life and in a partner! I know women who have a list in their head and throw it out the window as soon as they meet a man who is a little interested. Those who write the list down and refer back tend to be more willing to leave an early relationship that isn't going to meet those written criteria. Almost like a contract with yourself.


I did this! I composed the list while married to my XH....probably 10 years before the divorce. I kept the yellowed piece of paper and pulled it out when the divorce was final. I made a few changes to it, and I WENT by it. It helped so much both in extricating myself from a toxic situation (post divorce) and in deciding that my now dh was marriage worthy.

I STRONGLY advise all single people who want to be married to make up a 'top ten' list that they keep to themselves. Oddly enough I do not believe one person has taken my advice!

Re: What advice would you give your children concerning marriage? [Re: SmilingWife] #236770
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General response:

What I told my kids about getting married:


1. Find someone who complements who you are, not someone who is exactly like you. Your spouse should be strong where you are weak, and together you should feel as though you are balanced. Where he is weak, you should be able to fill in those gaps, too. Because you will be a team for life, you should think of being able to fill in for one another in the areas where you will need each other most.

2. Remember that when you admire someone, you admire that person for a reason. Sometimes it might be for their accomplishments. Know that a person who accomplishes things WORKS for that. So if there are accomplishments, expect the flip side to show lots of work behind the scenes. Know that the person you see on the surface has something generating that underneath - so look for THAT in order to understand who you are dating.

3. Marry someone who talks to you.

4. Marry someone you love, and that you cannot envision your future without.

5. Remember when you fight, your spouse is not your enemy. He is someone you love, and right then you just are disagreeing with.

6. Disagreeing with a person does not mean someone is bad, or wrong for you, or that you are a bad person, or that the relationship is over. It simply means you disagree. Find the common ground. Figure out what your mutual end goal is. Figure out if you are viewing the issue as having just two possible solutions - and if you are, you are both probably not thinking it through as well as you can. Problems are rarely solved only one of two ways - so sit down and think of five different ways to solve it, and go from there.


7. Remember that people are not disposable.

8. Remember you signed on to be a team. Act like a team.

9. Never make a decision based only on what you need for today; instead, ask yourself what you would do if you were planning for yourself five years from today - and then decide.

10. Always come from a place of love. Before you speak, before you act, ask yourself, "Is this coming from a sense of love in my heart?" If the answer is a deep and abiding loving "yes", then you will know it is the right thing to do.





Some of you might have known me as Schoolbus.
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