Wow...I just found this very interesting article, and I'd love to hear thoughts from you guys.



http://break-free-from-the-affair.com/new/affair-articles/drbob/signs_of_cheating_spouse.htm

I think the distinction is very interesting.

Star*fish,

I'm surprised no one has yet commented on this.

There was a recent thread on another forum regard two types of people who get involved in adultery. The one it seems points directly to the cheater as defined in the article you linked. For the other an affair is really an anomaly and totally outside of his/her normal character.

Mark

The scary thing for me is that I was married to a cheater, what has been called a "serial cheater" by some and I took quite a bit of heat from people who told me there was no hope.

But I've never seen someone describe a true cheater as accurately as this guy. He talks about how for this type of "rare bird" (male or female) sex is more of a conquest, and not about intimacy. He has little inner conflict about having an affair. They have entitlement issues and want to be adored. They surround themselves with friends who will support their lifestyle (reminds me of Tiger). The "Fatal Attraction" thing threw me for a loop because something like that occurred in my case. They have a preoccupation with having an attractive spouse. (ummm yeah) The whole article is spot-on!

This quote, from that article:

"There is one problem, however. The problem of aging. Depending on his social context, you might become a liability as you increasingly fail to project a young attractive vibrant image. He wants those around him to reflect back beauty and perfection."

This sounds like narcissism to me. And fits with what I saw go on for years in a friend's marriage. (This narcissist is now her XH.)

Since narcissists are not a huge group in the population, perhaps this is why "cheaters" are confined to only one of the seven affair categories Dr. Huizenga lists?

Narcissists, by definition, do not change. Treatment/therapy is almost invariably ineffective.

Where are the definitions of "infidelity" -- the other six kinds of affairs? What am I not seeing in the article?

In the last section, listed as "signs of a cheating spouse," he describes the different motivations and dynamics of affairs.

a

Tinkerbell:




Ok, well, either one has destroyed my marriage and my girls family, my family, his family only he forgot us.

[color:#660000]Yep, he sure did. He made his choice. Now you have a choice. Learn enough to defeat the enemy - the adultery - or go to divorce court. Up to you.

I will direct the rest of my comments to you on your own thread

I think he is in the infidelity, do you know we went to eat and I went to the bathroom (this was when we were working on us) and when I came back to the table he didn't recognise me, he actually said he didn't that I looked so different, since I had dyed my hair and looked better.

Oh gee, sorry I actually look better now that I am not on deaths door so much in my cancer treatment. [/quote]

Larry

IN my opinion, there are several types of adulterers.

1. Entitlement - as described in the article. Call it serial cheating, serial infidelity, serial adultery, whatever. This type of person should NOT marry. But they do. Sometimes it is a buffer so those they have affairs with can be presented with the excuse that the serial narcissist is married and has to stay in the marriage [here insert the prepared speech]. Bob Hope is an example of such a person.

2. Romantic - see the 12 (or whatever number) steps to an affair - presented in different places with different numbers. Or, an abused wife looking for a White Chump Knight, or a woman looking for the next security plan before bailing on the old one they are tired of, or Michelle Langley's excuses. Take your pick.

3. Opportunity - ONS, the old saw about the Teacher in Cancun on vacation with the girls, the businessman traveling, the wife at home while he does, military affairs, yada yada.

4. Thrill seeking - see all the above with special emphasis on Langley's excuses expressed biological reasons. Basically both a lack of character/boundaries coupled with a fear to do it very often.

I don't buy what Dr. Bob is trying to sell in one detail. There isn't a hill of beans difference. Trying to parse the words is a sales technique to get people to read the article, which is spot on detailing one aspect of adultery.

And as lots of experts say, it really is a lack of boundaries. It is also a lack of respect for anyone but themselves at the time and depending on which type above.

It is also dirt stupid.

Larry

I always think about one-time murderers and serial killers when I think about this. I think if my loved one was murdered, in some senses I wouldn't much care which type of murderer the murderer was. And adultery is adultery. It is ALL reprehensible.

One thing I do believe is that once that bell has been rung, a person who rings it needs to up the protection ante. Once we have crossed the line once, we are vulnerable. So for the spouse who commits adultery, they had better reconcile themselves to being extra careful indefinitely. I firmly believe that I will never have another A.....but I'm not going to be an idiot and tempt fate either. Just like an alcoholic can never have "just one drink."

Infidelity is a character problem. But it doesn't have to be a lifelong character problem IF the person who is unfaithful is willing to change and do the work necessary. And if they won't, then they have no one to blame but themselves.

BUMP