Reposted with permission
I'm a BW.
I wanted to weigh in here on the letter idea.
About two or three months ago, I was feeling very low. It was about the one year anniversary of d-day, combined with the holidays, and his cancer surgery anniversary as well. I was about as low as low can go.
I was thinking of walking away from the whole mess.
I BEGGED FWH to just tell me 3 things he liked about me. Just list 3 things on a sticky note, 3 things that were "okay" about me, that he didn't find "repulsive" or "disgusting" about me (see what I mean about feeling low about myself????).
He was in shock!
I thought it was because I asked him to write it down. So I said, "Could you at least, right now, just NAME ONE THING, so I can hang onto that?"
He wouldn't name one thing. Just shook his head, and remained quiet, with his eyes looking at the floor.
I was devastated.
He left the room, and I cried. He couldn't get past the fact that I thought he didn't love me, didn't think he could find even one thing likeable about me, and that I had disregarded his whole year of efforts to show me his remorse over the affair. That I had ignored his efforts, had not seen his changes, and that he had NO chance to fix things.
I was devastated because I was just so depressed that I was feeling worthless and could not see his side at all.
I thought we were NOT communicating.
But he did hear what I said. I was sitting there focused so much on myself, my pain, my devastation, and FWH was listening - and I thank God for that. I thank my FWH for his ability to see my pain and do what he did.
He went to his computer and started on a list.
He came back about 15 minutes later, and told me that he couldn't write it fast enough to make it "okay" tonight. That he would just have to hold me for now, and dry my tears, but he needed time to think about the list. But that he WOULD write my list. I focused only on the fact that he had to THINK to come up with something he liked about me (you see, I was in so much pain, I still thought he just didn't even like me). I was wrong.
Turns out, the list was not a list at all. It was a love letter with three things he loved about me. Each paragraph started with "I love you because..." and he finished each paragraph with so much more than just a list.
The last sentence said that he had trouble keeping the list to just three items. That he had trouble listing the "top three", because there were so many that could have been the top three. And that anytime I wanted, he would add to the list.
I have not needed him to add to the list.
Because he has been there for me, and has done everything I have needed him to do to help me through this mess.
So yes, write the letter.
And tell him why you love him. Tell him the best things about him - about who he is INSIDE, what he DOES that makes you love him.
Because he needs to know that you see it.
And, because he needs to know that you REMEMBER it.
And because he needs to remember it himself.
And because YOU need to remember it, too.