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Great new marriage forum #259932
10/06/12 12:36 AM
10/06/12 12:36 AM
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believer Offline OP
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http://marriagewarriors.net/forum/

I hope they will have great luck and be very successful.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Great new marriage forum [Re: believer] #259950
10/06/12 03:41 AM
10/06/12 03:41 AM
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poet Offline
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.


I thank God for all the times he saved my life, for putting all the people in my path who helped save it, and all the other people I met along the way.
Re: Great new marriage forum [Re: poet] #259951
10/06/12 03:42 AM
10/06/12 03:42 AM
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Mary Emma Offline
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I will them well!


Me 41
H 40
S 9
S 6

I want to live in a world where George Zimmerman offered Trayvon Martin a ride home to get him out of the rain that night. -Bishop G. Brewer
Re: Great new marriage forum [Re: Mary Emma] #259964
10/06/12 05:00 AM
10/06/12 05:00 AM
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LadyGrey Offline
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I do so love being Right.

Fascinating.

I'm sure they will be a veritable font of carefully considered, balanced and thoughtful information about marriage.


Bidden or not bidden God is present.
Re: Great new marriage forum [Re: LadyGrey] #259966
10/06/12 05:12 AM
10/06/12 05:12 AM
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Mary Emma Offline
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*I wish them well.


Queen of typos- sheesh!


Me 41
H 40
S 9
S 6

I want to live in a world where George Zimmerman offered Trayvon Martin a ride home to get him out of the rain that night. -Bishop G. Brewer
Re: Great new marriage forum [Re: Mary Emma] #259991
10/06/12 03:16 PM
10/06/12 03:16 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
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star*fish Offline
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There's certainly enough misery to go around. Sincerely...best of luck!


"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: Great new marriage forum [Re: star*fish] #259999
10/06/12 04:23 PM
10/06/12 04:23 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,690
SoCal
Chrysalis Offline
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SoCal
All the best!


Chrysalis
Re: Great new marriage forum [Re: Chrysalis] #260009
10/06/12 06:30 PM
10/06/12 06:30 PM
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Pacific NW
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DAISY! (mary) You're back!!!!


Formerly Baba, Stellakat, Bubbles

"Please remember that what I say here in this post is ONLY my opinion and it is not meant to offend in any way!"
Re: Great new marriage forum [Re: Kittycat] #260104
10/07/12 10:38 PM
10/07/12 10:38 PM
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Otherwise Offline
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I have no idea whether any of you are being sarcastic
but there does seem to be a huge amount of "history"
and cliques and fights on this forum.
Which I don't really know my way around, as a newcomer.
But it does make it harder to comprehend the advice here.

Re: Great new marriage forum [Re: Otherwise] #260106
10/07/12 10:54 PM
10/07/12 10:54 PM
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I'm not being sarcastic, Otherwise. Yes, lots of "history" here, and some have started a new site, and some post on both sites.

Like Starfish said, there are more than enough marriage problems, so we always support other marriage sites. You may find more "hardliners" there (but don't quote me), and it never hurts to get all of the advice that you can.

I'm sorry if you are having trouble comprehending the advice here. You can always ask questions and for clarification.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Great new marriage forum [Re: Otherwise] #260123
10/08/12 12:27 AM
10/08/12 12:27 AM
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LadyGrey Offline
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Originally Posted By: Otherwise
I have no idea whether any of you are being sarcastic
but there does seem to be a huge amount of "history"
and cliques and fights on this forum.
Which I don't really know my way around, as a newcomer.
But it does make it harder to comprehend the advice here.


Otherwise, mea culpa -- I was being sarcastic. I'm a sarcastic person which plays better in real life. I won "Most Cynical" in my high school class, something I am absurdly proud of probably because that is the only time in my life I've been recognized by my peers.

I'm working on it. I apologize (read: I am horrified) that my behavior has contributed to uncertainty regarding the advice. This is the first time it has smacked me upside of the head that tension between folks here actually undermines the mission -- that people might wonder if they are pawns in a larger game.

Your thread inspired me to begin work on an article on approaches that encourage communication between spouses. It is in the Construction Zone. It would be lovely if you could add your thoughts -- what you have read, what you've tried and how that has played out. I don't wish to cause you pain, but you had a long marriage with your first wife. Perhaps you have some thoughts on how communication worked in that marriage.

I have found that some things that should be a given just aren't. Dr. Harley (MarriageBuilders) says that conversation between spouses should always be pleasant. As in always.

Well, duh.

My very favorite thing I ever heard a marriage counselor (MC). say was described by someone (no idea who) on this forum. This MC began every session by having the spouses turn to one another and say out loud "you are not the enemy."

Well, duh.

I can't tell you how many times I have accessed the "you are not the enemy" concept when I've gotten frustrated with whatever. Currently, I'm converting our in ground sprinkler system to a drip system. When my husband checks in on how it is going .... (not so great today as I broke off a riser at the threads) -- I remember he is not the enemy.

In fairness to me, for much of our marriage he was hyper-critical.

We have been married for 26 years and together for 37. It's taken a good bit of work to shift my perspective on this "well, duh" point, but it has been extremely rewarding.

I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Sorry about the thread jack.


Last edited by LadyGrey; 10/08/12 01:15 AM.

Bidden or not bidden God is present.
Re: Great new marriage forum [Re: LadyGrey] #260182
10/08/12 09:25 AM
10/08/12 09:25 AM
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Otherwise Offline
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Originally Posted By: LadyGrey
I apologize (read: I am horrified) that my behavior has contributed to uncertainty regarding the advice.

This is the first time it has smacked me upside of the head that tension between folks here actually undermines the mission -- that people might wonder if they are pawns in a larger game.


Well, "no" to the first part of that and "yes" to the second

I.e. I wouldn't say your sarcasm caused me a problem, but I have been very conscious here of factions and agendas which made me wonder, exactly as you say, if I was a pawn, and some people's comments were part of a point-scoring picture

I don't know if you remember but there was a big outburst of reaction on my thread when I said that F&I might be mistaken about something. Like I had accidentally stepped on a landmine or said "well thats just your opinion" to the Pope.

Re: Great new marriage forum [Re: Otherwise] #260201
10/08/12 01:42 PM
10/08/12 01:42 PM
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Ace Offline
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Originally Posted By: Otherwise
I have been very conscious here of factions and agendas which made me wonder, exactly as you say, if I was a pawn, and some people's comments were part of a point-scoring picture

I don't know if you remember but there was a big outburst of reaction on my thread when I said that F&I might be mistaken about something. Like I had accidentally stepped on a landmine or said "well thats just your opinion" to the Pope.


Hi OW,

I just posted to your thread about another point but thought I'd lend a little insight here, too. Regarding what was perceived to be an "outburst" when you questioned the long post FI gave you when you first arrived, I took it to mean that folks were concerned that you may have looked past a huge gift without possibly considering that there might be some truth to what was being offered.

There was no point-scoring involved, IMVHO, only concern that you receive the best help possible....and FI had offered (and continues to offer) you her help for free with no strings attached. Others are, too.

As we all know, time and thoughts are very valuable, especially on a free discussion forum. They can be life-changing for some, which is one of the many reasons members want all, especially new members to receive the fullest of what is shared. Some of us are very limited in our ability to access MA but we care just as much as those who are here more often.

Hope that helps,
Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: Great new marriage forum [Re: Ace] #260223
10/08/12 02:52 PM
10/08/12 02:52 PM
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Posts: 527
night Offline
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Tecnically, it is just the popes opinion, and... what is F&I?


Success isn't measured by the money in your bank
Or by how many peoples heads you climbed upon and never thought to thank
It isn't about how many cars you own or holidays in the sun
True success is not being afraid to walk, while all the others run.
Re: Great new marriage forum [Re: night] #260282
10/08/12 07:11 PM
10/08/12 07:11 PM
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SFB Offline
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Originally Posted By: night
Tecnically, it is just the popes opinion, and... what is F&I?


Night:

F&I is Fire&Ice.

A poster who is trained in writing and speech pattern analysis.

F&I come up with some amazing insights....

SFB


Finding an ethical way to deal with pain, fear, disappointment etc..is part of the experience of becoming a stronger person...one who is driven by compassion instead of compulsion...ie I have a legitimate reason to be stressed out right now...however, my response to it will determine how others percieve me, and myself. (quoting Star*Fish)
Re: Great new marriage forum [Re: Otherwise] #260458
10/09/12 06:22 PM
10/09/12 06:22 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 2,791
Surface of the sun
silentlucidity Offline
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Originally Posted By: Otherwise
Which I don't really know my way around, as a newcomer.


Otherwise, there are some of us (well...me) that don't know their (my) way around it either. I've been here for a while, too. You are not alone

Re: Great new marriage forum [Re: silentlucidity] #261169
10/15/12 04:14 PM
10/15/12 04:14 PM
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 379
7
70.3 Ultra Offline
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Good to see some of the old DB members who joined MW also took the time out to join here at MA.

Sites supporting each other is always good news.



The logic of validation allows us to move between the two limits of dogmatism and skepticism.

Re: Great new marriage forum [Re: Ace] #269056
12/14/12 02:54 AM
12/14/12 02:54 AM
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Posts: 4,705
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ForeverHers Offline
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Originally Posted By: Ace
Originally Posted By: Otherwise
I have been very conscious here of factions and agendas which made me wonder, exactly as you say, if I was a pawn, and some people's comments were part of a point-scoring picture

I don't know if you remember but there was a big outburst of reaction on my thread when I said that F&I might be mistaken about something. Like I had accidentally stepped on a landmine or said "well thats just your opinion" to the Pope.


Hi OW,

I just posted to your thread about another point but thought I'd lend a little insight here, too. Regarding what was perceived to be an "outburst" when you questioned the long post FI gave you when you first arrived, I took it to mean that folks were concerned that you may have looked past a huge gift without possibly considering that there might be some truth to what was being offered.

There was no point-scoring involved, IMVHO, only concern that you receive the best help possible....and FI had offered (and continues to offer) you her help for free with no strings attached. Others are, too.

As we all know, time and thoughts are very valuable, especially on a free discussion forum. They can be life-changing for some, which is one of the many reasons members want all, especially new members to receive the fullest of what is shared. Some of us are very limited in our ability to access MA but we care just as much as those who are here more often.

Hope that helps,
Ace


Ace, count me as one of those who has been here "less often" since the Summer.....and for the very reasons Otherwise brought up.

So now there is another "marriage forum"? With predominantly the same people posting here and on other already existing forums?

Each to his/her own, as the saying goes.

I hope you and yours have a wonderful Christmas as we celebrate the reason for the season!

God bless.
FH


Re: Great new marriage forum [Re: ForeverHers] #269064
12/14/12 03:31 AM
12/14/12 03:31 AM
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Glad to see you again, FH.

I'm sorry you are here "less often" since there have been quite a few posters wanting a Christian input.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Great new marriage forum [Re: believer] #281479
02/22/13 03:10 AM
02/22/13 03:10 AM
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Ah, got my MEDC fix...

I'll have to visit there more often.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Great new marriage forum [Re: believer] #281516
02/22/13 12:15 PM
02/22/13 12:15 PM
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Wonderland
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Wonderland
I feel sadness for you.

Last edited by 20yrshurt&r; 02/22/13 12:44 PM.

Accept what is,
Let go of what was
and have faith in what will be.
Re: Great new marriage forum [Re: believer] #357686
07/25/14 07:47 PM
07/25/14 07:47 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,285
PEEKSKILL NY
Rich57 Offline
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Anybody know what happened?

Re: Great new marriage forum [Re: Rich57] #358236
07/30/14 11:46 PM
07/30/14 11:46 PM
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SFB Offline
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Someone didn't pay their bill.

SFB


Finding an ethical way to deal with pain, fear, disappointment etc..is part of the experience of becoming a stronger person...one who is driven by compassion instead of compulsion...ie I have a legitimate reason to be stressed out right now...however, my response to it will determine how others percieve me, and myself. (quoting Star*Fish)
Re: Great new marriage forum [Re: SFB] #358246
07/31/14 12:33 AM
07/31/14 12:33 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 17,282
The Castle Aaaggghh...
herfuturesbright Offline
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The Castle Aaaggghh...
Actually, I think there just wasn't a need for them to hang out and ruminate. People moved on. No more need for reliving the past.

Re: Great new marriage forum [Re: herfuturesbright] #358248
07/31/14 12:39 AM
07/31/14 12:39 AM
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Posts: 2,681
Carolina Blue Heaven
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Originally Posted By: herfuturesbright
Actually, I think there just wasn't a need for them to hang out and ruminate. People moved on. No more need for reliving the past.


Uh oh........I might need to follow this advice myself.......

Re: Great new marriage forum [Re: peppermint] #358263
07/31/14 01:50 AM
07/31/14 01:50 AM
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LivingWell Offline
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Could be meeting where it doesn't cost money or require volunteers to monitor and maintain. Just keeping out the spammers can be quite a task.

Re: Great new marriage forum [Re: peppermint] #358268
07/31/14 02:13 AM
07/31/14 02:13 AM
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right here waiting Offline
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Originally Posted By: peppermint
Originally Posted By: herfuturesbright
Actually, I think there just wasn't a need for them to hang out and ruminate. People moved on. No more need for reliving the past.


Uh oh........I might need to follow this advice myself.......


Peppermint , please say you're joking and that you won't even even think of leaving! Your posts are so helpful. I'm sure I'm not in the minority, thinking that.

ETA: LW, you're right about the spammers. They're like cockroaches. angry

Last edited by right here waiting; 07/31/14 02:15 AM.
Re: Great new marriage forum [Re: right here waiting] #358333
07/31/14 01:29 PM
07/31/14 01:29 PM
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SFB Offline
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Originally Posted By: right here waiting
Originally Posted By: peppermint
Originally Posted By: herfuturesbright
Actually, I think there just wasn't a need for them to hang out and ruminate. People moved on. No more need for reliving the past.


Uh oh........I might need to follow this advice myself.......


Peppermint , please say you're joking and that you won't even even think of leaving! Your posts are so helpful. I'm sure I'm not in the minority, thinking that.

ETA: LW, you're right about the spammers. They're like cockroaches. angry



Yes, Pep. You can continue to hang out...

wink

SFB


Finding an ethical way to deal with pain, fear, disappointment etc..is part of the experience of becoming a stronger person...one who is driven by compassion instead of compulsion...ie I have a legitimate reason to be stressed out right now...however, my response to it will determine how others percieve me, and myself. (quoting Star*Fish)
Re: Great new marriage forum [Re: SFB] #358447
08/01/14 01:29 AM
08/01/14 01:29 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 17,282
The Castle Aaaggghh...
herfuturesbright Offline
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The Castle Aaaggghh...
Exactly, pep. You are the kind of person who needs to leave. You are am asset.

Re: Great new marriage forum [Re: herfuturesbright] #358448
08/01/14 01:49 AM
08/01/14 01:49 AM
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Posts: 2,681
Carolina Blue Heaven
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Originally Posted By: herfuturesbright
Exactly, pep. You are the kind of person who needs to leave. You are am asset.


Well I really don't know what to say to that. Thanks?

Re: Great new marriage forum [Re: herfuturesbright] #358488
08/01/14 12:35 PM
08/01/14 12:35 PM
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Posts: 1,285
PEEKSKILL NY
Rich57 Offline
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Originally Posted By: herfuturesbright
Exactly, pep. You are the kind of person who needs to leave. You are am asset.

Did you leave a word out of this?
Or did I mis read it?

Re: Great new marriage forum [Re: Rich57] #358528
08/01/14 03:53 PM
08/01/14 03:53 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 17,282
The Castle Aaaggghh...
herfuturesbright Offline
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The Castle Aaaggghh...
Oops...are NOT THE KIND OF PERSON who should leave. Pep is a wise and valuable BS with good things to contribute.

Re: Great new marriage forum [Re: herfuturesbright] #358540
08/01/14 05:04 PM
08/01/14 05:04 PM
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Posts: 2,681
Carolina Blue Heaven
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peppermint Offline
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Carolina Blue Heaven
Originally Posted By: herfuturesbright
Oops...are NOT THE KIND OF PERSON who should leave. Pep is a wise and valuable BS with good things to contribute.


hug thanks for that, herf.

Re: Great new marriage forum [Re: peppermint] #358542
08/01/14 05:17 PM
08/01/14 05:17 PM
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Carolina Blue Heaven
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HERF,
When I reread what you wrote, i was surprised when I saw the BS. I don't think of myself in that way, nor do I think of my beloved as a WS. I guess I think of us both as survivors, and that is a very good thing. I really like MA and many of the members feel like old or new friends, but maybe it is time to move on for me too. I do want to say that I never think of you in terms of the "W" word, just as a fellow survivor. I hope you will come to see yourself the same way so that the judgements and hurtful comments will have no effect on you. As I told my good friend Marie, I learned that good people sometimes do bad things but they are still good people. You are good people, and I would be proud to have you as a friend IRL.

Re: Great new marriage forum [Re: peppermint] #358553
08/01/14 05:51 PM
08/01/14 05:51 PM
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midwest
Miranda Offline
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Originally Posted By: peppermint
HERF,
When I reread what you wrote, i was surprised when I saw the BS. I don't think of myself in that way, nor do I think of my beloved as a WS. I guess I think of us both as survivors, and that is a very good thing. I really like MA and many of the members feel like old or new friends, but maybe it is time to move on for me too. I do want to say that I never think of you in terms of the "W" word, just as a fellow survivor. I hope you will come to see yourself the same way so that the judgements and hurtful comments will have no effect on you. As I told my good friend Marie, I learned that good people sometimes do bad things but they are still good people. You are good people, and I would be proud to have you as a friend IRL.


You've captured what I've been thinking exactly Pep. I frequently forget which "side" of the infidelity thing folks who are recovered/former/whatever and still post here fell on back in the day. I just don't think of it that way. I don't think about myself that way very often either (although I have recently because of a couple of posts.) We are all just folks who have been through some stuff and who have seen some schiz and have some points of view to offer. I have respect for everyone's position because I know everybody fought hard to get where they're at regardless of which side of the field they played on. I know it ain't easy from either side. So I give a lot of kudos to anyone who is willing to stick around and offer advice and a shoulder to cry on for folks still in the trenches.

And that means ANYONE, that's not hyperbole.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Great new marriage forum [Re: Miranda] #358560
08/01/14 06:39 PM
08/01/14 06:39 PM
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LivingWell Offline
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Originally Posted By: Miranda
I frequently forget which "side" of the infidelity thing folks who are recovered/former/whatever and still post here fell on back in the day. I just don't think of it that way. I don't think about myself that way very often either (although I have recently because of a couple of posts.)

I was going to say the same thing, Miranda. Once someone gets past a certain point in the infidelity/marital crisis, there comes a point in personal recovery that I can't tell who used to be a W or a B unless they tell me. I have been stunned over the years at who has revealed that they used to be a W. I've also surprised others who thought that surely I was a W when I was actually a B (pun intended on that one LOL).


Quote:
We are all just folks who have been through some stuff and who have seen some schiz and have some points of view to offer.

For me, it's having points of view to offer while getting a need met for myself at the same time. That need has changed a few times since registering at MA but it all falls under the category of personal recovery.


Quote:
I know it ain't easy from either side.

I think it's very similar from both sides. In my view, except for some details during the time of infidelity, most of the issues are the same.

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