Who's Online Now
0 registered members (), 3 guests, and 38 spiders.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
 Trending Topics(Posts)
1.How to deconstruct a marriage.0
2.I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support.0
3.SIHW is back and Dealing with issues....0
4.looking for some support0
5.Social Networking Sites and Infidelity0
6.Signs of Infidelity0
7.The Difference Between Cheating and Infidelity?0
8.Not really sure how to survive0
9.The Five Big Lies That Keep You From Changing0
10.Pregnant and getting put out of the house by my husband0
*By replies in last 2 weeks.
In The Media(Posts)
Woman urges NC lawmakers to end child marriage: For her it was a ‘life sentence’3
COVID-19 and the Increased Likelihood of Affairs3
Does anyone remember this story?3
Validation to find-win-win slutions2
Things men want3
These Are The Signs You're Dating A Narcissist3
Girlfriend's 'controlling' list of 22 rules for boyfriend goes viral: 'She sounds crazy'9
What Divorced Men Wish They Had Done Differently In Their Marriages7
Alienation of Affection / Criminal Conversation9
Would you pay your ex a 'break-up fee'? - BBC3
more >>
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Warm Fuzzies, Cold Pricklies and Rubber Bands and Boundaries #260372
10/09/12 11:19 AM
10/09/12 11:19 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,404
Utah
Kayla Offline OP
Member
Kayla  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,404
Utah
This is going to be a blend of disciplines. Consider it a stream of consciousness

Source

I learned in my formal sales training that most people are stroke deprived. My sales training also washed over into relationship building as a parent and as a wife, so while the article is discussing a sales environment consider the following insights into how we behave in relationships, why negative attention is preferred to no attention by some, and why we get caught in a trap of giving negative strokes to those so desperate.

I learned that I didn't want to get sucked into the dynamic of feeding negative attention. Back then, I was still teaching youth, and those who have been teachers know what I mean when I talk about feeding the stroke deprived child, who will do anything to get any kind of a stroke. But negative attention - negative strokes are not healing for this child.

Four types of strokes:
Verbal Strokes
Touch Strokes
Written Strokes
Time Strokes.

In the context of family relationships all are appropriate. In the context of this forum, the last two are most relevant. When we respond to someone's question or issue here, simultaneously, we are giving written and time strokes.

Each of these types of strokes come in one of three forms:

Warm Fuzzy strokes
Quote:
A stroke which makes you feel good is called a positive stroke. For instance, a genuine compliment, a pleasant phone call and a pat on the back are all positive strokes. These positive strokes are also called "warm fuzzies". For strokes to register as fuzzies, they must be sincere.


Cold Prickly Strokes:
Quote:
A negative stroke is a "cold prickly". People don't like these, but if they can't get enough fuzzies, they will find a way to fill up their psychological stroke counters with pricklies.


Rubber Band Strokes:
Quote:
These strokes start out seemingly positive, but quickly become negative. For example, if someone says, "Gee, I love your tie. I remember when I had one just like that back in the 80s." It started off sounding like a fuzzy, until the rubber band was yanked and it turned into a prickly. While it makes Henry feel Not OK, the person dishing out the crack gets a cheap OK feeling. Later that same person might experience his own Not-OK feeling - guilt.


Consider the strokes you give to your spouse, to your child, to your friends. And consider how you might be getting pulled into giving cold pricklies in your relationships and interactions on the internet. When you might not be a cold-prickly kind of person, but you're dealing with a stroke-deprived person who hates to be ignored? Choose to be in control of your strokes.

Consider that there is another important dynamic to relationships besides strokes.

I once had a life-changing experience of learning how every interaction with another human being builds them up or tears them down. If I ignore an opportunity to give them a "live" vote - to build them up, encourage them, then am I, in fact, giving them a "die" vote? A child needing attention, who is so stroke deprived that he will do negative things to draw attention to himself will call forth a lot of "die" votes from people who are not conscious of the nature of the interaction. And yet, when it's your child, or your spouse, how do you not get pulled into that exchange of negative behavior = negative strokes?

Al Anon was a really good medium for me to learn to be in control of my strokes, and my live or die votes. If there's ever a dynamic of negative behavior to negative strokes exchanged, it's the relationship between the addict and the anon. In that relationship you can't heal the addict by giving positive strokes. Anymore than you can correct bad behavior by giving negative strokes.

This leads to BOUNDARIES.

Boundaries define our own behavior. Not the other person's behavior.

If I have a person who is so stroke deprived that they've turned on their self-destruct mechanism, i.e. addictions, they will take their partners, loved ones, children, co-workers and anyone else in the vicinity with them - if those around operate under an unconsciousness to their own behavior.

So boundaries allow me to contain my response - to choose. what. I. will. do. given. a. specific. situation.

If I choose to not be around alcohol, and I choose not to be around screaming people, I leave. I did that when I was 19. Both were part of my home dynamic. It took me several years to detox from that situation.


Consider that we don't have to live with the consequences of our advice in your life. Act according to what you can live with!
Re: Warm Fuzzies, Cold Pricklies and Rubber Bands and Boundaries [Re: Kayla] #260403
10/09/12 02:58 PM
10/09/12 02:58 PM
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 2,344
O
ohmy_marie Offline
Member
ohmy_marie  Offline
Member
O
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 2,344
hi kayla-- thanks for sharing. interesting topic! thoroughly enjoyed it...

do you ever think about the "opposite" child-- the one who, in the same situation, takes the opposite approach and decides to excel (instead of acting out)?

i've always wondered what's inside THAT child-- how was it possible for him/her to learn to self-soothe, self-validate, and actually rise above the inequalities in his/her life?

then again, maybe we don't recognize this type of child because of the fact that they are excelling? if it looks good on the outside, it must be good on the inside... right?

i was a left-behind child... but i excelled in school and sports. i did OK with my peers based on the fact that i was active in school/sports (no bullying)... perhaps i found validation in grades and trophies?? even so, i still wonder what made me seek the "good" path -vs- acting out?

p.s. and omg, when did i LOSE that quality? 'cause as a WS in my adult life, i feel like i gave up on winning medals-- and started barking under the table.



may came home with a smooth round stone
as small as a world and as large as alone. -- e. e. cummings
Re: Warm Fuzzies, Cold Pricklies and Rubber Bands and Boundaries [Re: Kayla] #260464
10/09/12 06:38 PM
10/09/12 06:38 PM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 5,409
for to fade Offline
Member
for to fade  Offline
Member
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 5,409
Originally Posted By: Kayla
This is going to be a blend of disciplines. Consider it a stream of consciousness

Source
In that relationship you can't heal the addict by giving positive strokes. Anymore than you can correct bad behavior by giving negative strokes.

This leads to BOUNDARIES.

Boundaries define our own behavior. Not the other person's behavior.

If I have a person who is so stroke deprived that they've turned on their self-destruct mechanism, i.e. addictions, they will take their partners, loved ones, children, co-workers and anyone else in the vicinity with them - if those around operate under an unconsciousness to their own behavior.



I have a question, what do you mean they take from anyone around them, are you saying it is a comfort to them to say yes that is my family over there etc. they know the family is staying even though they are so addicted, and they are such a non fuzzy place they use the credit of a child in school or a true wife to make themselves feel better? Is that what you mean.

Ture alaon is a good medium it is no picnic needing it in my life though, I would rather not have had to use alanon.

I am living on rubber bands much of the time.

I really feel addicts of any drug or situation are in a lot of pain and can't find their way out.

In hard situations it is hard to hear someone say what are you going to do today, and not mention the crazy making person. I agree boundaries are for the person who is making them for their mental well being and life itself, and to those feeling trapped in any addiciton from themselves or anohter in their life, it sometimes feels very selfish to make a boundary for a better life for yourself, like you are a traitor.

Really like your thoughts.

Last edited by Tinkerbell; 10/09/12 06:42 PM.
Re: Warm Fuzzies, Cold Pricklies and Rubber Bands and Boundaries [Re: ohmy_marie] #260569
10/10/12 02:58 AM
10/10/12 02:58 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,404
Utah
Kayla Offline OP
Member
Kayla  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,404
Utah
Originally Posted By: ohmy_marie
hi kayla-- thanks for sharing. interesting topic! thoroughly enjoyed it...

do you ever think about the "opposite" child-- the one who, in the same situation, takes the opposite approach and decides to excel (instead of acting out)?

i've always wondered what's inside THAT child-- how was it possible for him/her to learn to self-soothe, self-validate, and actually rise above the inequalities in his/her life?

then again, maybe we don't recognize this type of child because of the fact that they are excelling? if it looks good on the outside, it must be good on the inside... right?

i was a left-behind child... but i excelled in school and sports. i did OK with my peers based on the fact that i was active in school/sports (no bullying)... perhaps i found validation in grades and trophies?? even so, i still wonder what made me seek the "good" path -vs- acting out?

p.s. and omg, when did i LOSE that quality? 'cause as a WS in my adult life, i feel like i gave up on winning medals-- and started barking under the table.


ohmy - I relate! I was an "opposite" child.

My solution when I was tempted by another man when I was a relatively newlywed - less than 2 years - I tried really hard to make myself immune to strokes from other men and from stroke deprivation in other areas of my life. I had a dream about my boss, which made me realize I saw him in a more positive light than just a boss, and I shut it down. Hard. Part of it was years of living stroke deprived but negative strokes were totally wounding to my soul.

If there was a competition I didn't know I could win, I wouldn't compete. I worked for "containment", so that I had fewer vulnerabilities. I started recognizing men that flirt with a woman who's wearing a wedding ring were truly vile, no matter how "attractive" their outer skin looked.

Stroke deprivation adds up though. For an "opposite" child, who does everything she can to get positive strokes, but refusing to compete makes it hard to get the strokes she needs. It leaves it's own brand of "messed up".

You chose to express your passion. I shut mine down. I don't know which is worse or more lasting. I won't compete with porn. I can't. I'm not attractive in my own eyes. And when porn keeps capturing my husband's attention (even though I know it's an addiction/compulsion), obviously I'm not attractive in his eyes. So the sex drive is gone. I won't compete. I'm not convinced he's done with it. So it's not safe to come out and express that part of my life.

Stroke deprivation is tough. I'd rather have warm fuzzies. Porn addiction is the ultimate rubber band.


Consider that we don't have to live with the consequences of our advice in your life. Act according to what you can live with!
Re: Warm Fuzzies, Cold Pricklies and Rubber Bands and Boundaries [Re: ] #260573
10/10/12 03:19 AM
10/10/12 03:19 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,404
Utah
Kayla Offline OP
Member
Kayla  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,404
Utah
Originally Posted By: Tinkerbell
Originally Posted By: Kayla
This is going to be a blend of disciplines. Consider it a stream of consciousness

Source
In that relationship you can't heal the addict by giving positive strokes. Anymore than you can correct bad behavior by giving negative strokes.

This leads to BOUNDARIES.

Boundaries define our own behavior. Not the other person's behavior.

If I have a person who is so stroke deprived that they've turned on their self-destruct mechanism, i.e. addictions, they will take their partners, loved ones, children, co-workers and anyone else in the vicinity with them - if those around operate under an unconsciousness to their own behavior.



I have a question, what do you mean they take from anyone around them, are you saying it is a comfort to them to say yes that is my family over there etc. they know the family is staying even though they are so addicted, and they are such a non fuzzy place they use the credit of a child in school or a true wife to make themselves feel better? Is that what you mean.

True alanon is a good medium it is no picnic needing it in my life though, I would rather not have had to use alanon.

I am living on rubber bands much of the time.

I really feel addicts of any drug or situation are in a lot of pain and can't find their way out.

In hard situations it is hard to hear someone say what are you going to do today, and not mention the crazy making person. I agree boundaries are for the person who is making them for their mental well being and life itself, and to those feeling trapped in any addiction from themselves or another in their life, it sometimes feels very selfish to make a boundary for a better life for yourself, like you are a traitor.

Really like your thoughts.


Addiction seems to have origins in stroke deprivation/self-soothing and a seeming willingness to accept cold pricklies. Truly it seems to be an excuse a lot of addicts use for using - to feel better about themselves. A sort of self-stroking in lieu of any strokes at all.

But keep in mind - I'm an anon. Not an addict. So that's my "judgment" rather than probably the reality as an addict would describe their motivations.

Stroke deprivation, or acceptance of cold pricklies and rubber bands have a negative spiral effect. The pain of negative addictive behavior, along with the negative strokes that come with it can't help but dig one deeper.

And the vortex sucks the family right into the hole, along with coworkers and anyone else who cares for the addict.

For the Anon, choosing boundaries, it's impossible to not feel like a traitor when choosing out of the vortex. And the addict will scream at the loss of his/her enabler, increasing the intensity of the guilt.

But we have to recognize one very important thing. Addiction recovery requires God to be involved. And we anons are not God!

One very wise person teaching me how to set boundaries asked me, "Do you think you are more powerful than God?" Then wisely, after I protested at the audacity of the question, of course not... she responded, "Then get the h*ll out of His way."

She pointed out that God was trying to reach my husband through repeated adversities to get him to be humble and reach out for God's healing power, and I kept intercepting the consequences. That's what Anons do. Intercept the consequences. The ultimate rubber band, we think is delivered by our addicted relations. When in fact, we keep stepping in front of the mack truck of consequences mowing down our addicted relations!


Consider that we don't have to live with the consequences of our advice in your life. Act according to what you can live with!
Re: Warm Fuzzies, Cold Pricklies and Rubber Bands and Boundaries [Re: Kayla] #260594
10/10/12 05:01 AM
10/10/12 05:01 AM
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 272
Kandyman Offline
Member
Kandyman  Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 272
Kayla thank you for a very thought provoking thread. On first blush it takes me back to childhood. Being stroke deprived at least positive strokes, I still needed attention. It was impossible to be good enough to get positive strokes in my childhood and there was competition for strokes in the family. To some extent there still would be if that family of origin was still really alive as a source of nurturance. Years ago and on in our marriage my source of nurturance shifted from that family to OUR marriage. Biblically this is what I believe is supposed to happen anyway but in my case it HAD to happen because the family of origin was not viable as a nurturance source anyway. It was a competition of siblings and rivalries and more based in forms of codependency and anon-addict patterns.

In my own experience I learned that I can take myself out of the family of origin but it's much more involved to take the family of origin out of me.

I find myself looking at some of the issues you raised here in the context you raised them for the first time.

Competition for example can be arguably good or bad, but in my foo (family of origin) it was often used as one child was held up as an example against the others in rubber band style. "See how well he did that, you should be more like that". In fact that was warm fuzzy to the sibling but cold prickly to me. I longed to be held up like that over anything but it never happened, When comparisons were made and strokes given I was always on the cold end of the scale and it was never really taken into account that my nearest sibling was years older than I was. I was never allowed to be a child when I was a child, I had to play by the adult rules and expectations and more often than naught the expectations of a sibling 7 years older than I was despite the fact that I didn't have his years to learn what he had in that time. Other siblings were double that age gap so it was hopeless for me to get treated as a child when I was a child. Childhood interruptus you might call it?

Neighbors used to call me "the little boy with the big words" and marvel at how "mature" I spoke and acted. Well there was a reason for that. It was called survival. I learned to act how I had to act to not be literately stroked with dad's whip, the choir directors baton.

I grew up on rubber bands and cold pricklies. My father who ran the family like a military training camp, didn't know any other way to lead. Once an army captain, taking him out of service didn't take the service out of him either. Military discipline is not based on warm fuzzies ya know? Think of the stereotype drill sergeant at boot camp and you get the idea. My dad tried to be kind about it (sometimes - at least to justify himself to himself) but it was still discipline by rubber-band and cold prickly at the core. He didn't start really learning to give genuine compliments without the rubber band whiplash until I was in my second decade of life. I don't particularly hold with Dale Carnegie sales training but I am grateful for the fact that it helped my father unwind some of the bullsh*t that came from his army life.

By that time however I had long since given up on trying at least consciously to ever get real genuine positive strokes from Dad. My emotional walls were feet think by then. I still wanted his strokes but it was hard to wait till his ability to give them matured. It was slower than watching grass grow, it was a decade by decade process not year to year. I simply didn't have that kind of patience or ability to endure the dearth of attention.

I had a time in my first decade of life where I do recall accepting negative attention as the only attention and even saying to myself something like, "well I guess it's better than nothing?". I since have wondered at that. Sort of like Hermoine Granger saying, "We could be killed, or worse, expelled!" I think my priorities were a bit whacked then but at the time that was the emotional truth of it. Negative attention was better than nothing. There was no hope of positive attention and as you say, "Why compete when it's hopeless?"

So with hope dead, pain and emotional needs unmet, I took what I could get.

Thanks for this trip down memory lane that I hadn't expected. lol

I hope it turns out well in the end.

As for the addict and recovery issues. I do know that in more recent years the topic of validation has been one that my nearest thing to a sponsor and I have discussed at great length and it seems to find it way underpinning much of the challenges I have with step two and step three. Step two involves coming to believe in a higher power to a sufficient level that I can have trust in doing the next step which is turning my will and my life over to that higher power. When validation is not forthcoming when I DO act in new and better ways and I have to simply keep at it persistently regardless of when, where or if validation comes and just sort of tell myself it's good enough and it's worthy and ok and praiseworthy, it DOES feel a little like I'm tooting my own horn or being arrogant or stuck up on myself or something to give myself credit when others don't simply because it's my due. So that's what it feels like from the addict's side. It seems sometimes like it's less valid coming from myself when I would rather it was coming from others but it isn't always forthcoming. I find myself sometimes praising myself and then ducking as I expect some kind of push back. Sometimes that push back doesn't come and it's the weirdest experience. Like a void of expectancy for the other shoe to come flying and it never does. That is then anxiety producing and no addict likes to live in anxiety. I know that many of my indiscretions trough the years have been attempts to assuage or mitigate these kinds of vacant, empty, limbo like anxiety feelings where validation and encouragement just can't be found. Supposedly that's one of the main functions of recovery fellowships to give this kind of support and validation and encouragement but reality is that in some ways it's like expecting turnips to bleed. They can't give it because they are as devoid of it themselves even after years of calendar sobriety many recovering people simply don't have the emotional sap back in the dry vine themselves and are as clueless where to get it as I have been.

Patience and waiting on God's timetable takes on a new dimension when you can't numb out to mitigate an emptiness and nothing is forthcoming to fill the void. It's then a choice I suppose to accept 'nothing instead of the negative strokes' which is the reverse of the choices I made as a child. We speak in recovery sometimes of just "sitting with the feeling" and letting it be instead of doing something addictive to mitigate it. Sometimes days, weeks, months and years pass in this "sitting with it". But what is the alternative? by the time this accepting the negative instead of nothing has become a full blown addiction the consequences you mention have also mounted and become more destructive. Waiting with nothing is better than that destruction but it's also easy to forget when days, weeks, months and years have passed with no positive meeting of the underlying stroke deprivation.

I think you are on to something here Kayla that does underpin addictions. At least I can see now how it has contributed in my own life.

Thanks for the thread, Thanks for your love, Thanks for the validation you do extend in a positive way, it does make a difference. I still hope and work to be worthy of it and more. Perhaps the unmet needs can be eventually met and wouldn't that be walking in a newness of life?!

I have learned one other thing about validation thru it all. It exists as either external or internal. And no amount of external validation can stick or be really internalized unless a person has grown to feel internally that it's not only given sincerely but that they themselves have come to feel that it's justifiably deserved from their own perspective. It will simply bounce off and be considered invalid by the person themselves. Actually feeling valid is perhaps a form of competition with oneself more than anything else. Until we can grant ourselves validity, I don't want to say that getting it from others is meaningless, it just isn't as impactful until we ourselves come to believe we truly and authentically deserve it. There as many degrees of self deception possible and we don't always have the complete perspective from which to determine that we do or do not deserve something.

So maybe that's where a connection with a loving higher power comes in. I do know that love has surprised me more than once, and you Kayla have been loves surprise in my life on many occasions. ...and that's no rubber band! smile


The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires. (William Arthur Ward )
Re: Warm Fuzzies, Cold Pricklies and Rubber Bands and Boundaries [Re: Kandyman] #260637
10/10/12 04:54 PM
10/10/12 04:54 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 908
Northwest Washington State, US...
AlTurtle Offline
Retired Therapist
AlTurtle  Offline
Retired Therapist
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 908
Northwest Washington State, US...
Absolutely wonderful thread. Thanks, Kayla

Re: Warm Fuzzies, Cold Pricklies and Rubber Bands and Boundaries [Re: Kandyman] #260640
10/10/12 05:10 PM
10/10/12 05:10 PM
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 2,344
O
ohmy_marie Offline
Member
ohmy_marie  Offline
Member
O
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 2,344
kandyman-- thank you for sharing. your post made me cry. not exactly sure why?? might have something to do with dad's belt, siblings who outshine, and constantly searching.

kayla-- thank you again. i'm thinking i need to run another 1/2 marathon (soon)... if only to wear the finisher's medal around my neck. beats a scarlet A any damn day.

speaking of running... lacing up the nikes and heading out!

blessings, marie


may came home with a smooth round stone
as small as a world and as large as alone. -- e. e. cummings
Re: Warm Fuzzies, Cold Pricklies and Rubber Bands and Boundaries [Re: ohmy_marie] #260673
10/10/12 09:32 PM
10/10/12 09:32 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 7,052
holdingontoit Offline
Global Moderator
holdingontoit  Offline
Global Moderator
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 7,052
Fabulous thread. So much resonates with me. The stroke deprived reaching for negative strokes if positive strokes are unavailable for "too long". The anons standing in the way of appropriate consequences. Thanks to both of you for giving us this gift.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: Warm Fuzzies, Cold Pricklies and Rubber Bands and Boundaries [Re: holdingontoit] #260743
10/11/12 04:13 AM
10/11/12 04:13 AM
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 272
Kandyman Offline
Member
Kandyman  Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 272
I wish I could say that I had the inside track on how to unwind the conditioning to negativity and how to rewire oneself to positivity. It's a work in progress I guess but I certainly don't have it mastered yet. All input on that is welcome for me.


The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires. (William Arthur Ward )
Re: Warm Fuzzies, Cold Pricklies and Rubber Bands and Boundaries [Re: Kandyman] #260794
10/11/12 03:57 PM
10/11/12 03:57 PM
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 2,344
O
ohmy_marie Offline
Member
ohmy_marie  Offline
Member
O
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 2,344
Originally Posted By: kandyman
I wish I could say that I had the inside track on how to unwind the conditioning to negativity and how to rewire oneself to positivity.


yes!, this is exactly what i meant when i wondered how one child could choose a positive path while another child chose a negative path. what did i have when i was little that i'm lacking now??

i'm not sure what was inside of me when i was a child that pushed me towards the positive (i absolutely DID NOT want negative strokes). and, what happened to that quality?

as an adult, i've allowed myself to accept negative strokes. moreover, i've allowed negative people to define me, push me down, and suffocate my spirit. omg, i've become negative!

i'm attempting to resurrect the positive. it's in there somewhere. lately, i've been meditating and listening to tibetan singing bowls. hey now... don't judge! wink


may came home with a smooth round stone
as small as a world and as large as alone. -- e. e. cummings
Re: Warm Fuzzies, Cold Pricklies and Rubber Bands and Boundaries [Re: ohmy_marie] #260828
10/11/12 07:26 PM
10/11/12 07:26 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,407
Not quite here
Squeaky Tree Offline
Member
Squeaky Tree  Offline
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,407
Not quite here
Very interesting - thank you....I fight and fight against negative strokes everyday for all the children that I am surrounded with...I shielded myself from them....I remember positive strokes....they came from my teachers....I remember some rubber bandy type ones.....my aunty telling me I was beautiful as a counter to my mum telling me my bum was too big or I had horses hair...or someother such compliment.

I flinch when I pick up on negative strokes, particularly directed at childen.

I relate to the "opposite" child and I understand never putting yourself in a position where you might not win or may fail.

As an adult I too have reacted to negative strokes about myself and have fought them...I still seek positive strokes by putting myself in positions where I know I can achieve and by pushing myself to get recognition.

Some of my boundaries became solid steel walls other parts of me sought strokes where I shouldn't have and now I am beginning to melt and bend and reform those boundaries........

but so much more importantly I am going out of my way to make sure all the children in my life understand the different strokes and learn how to deal with them appropriately.


Married 22years (this year) ~13y since dday(?)
DD17 DS14
Which way do you like yourself? ~ Stosny
Re: Warm Fuzzies, Cold Pricklies and Rubber Bands and Boundaries [Re: ohmy_marie] #260898
10/12/12 02:45 AM
10/12/12 02:45 AM
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 272
Kandyman Offline
Member
Kandyman  Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 272
Quote:

i'm attempting to resurrect the positive. it's in there somewhere. lately, i've been meditating and listening to tibetan singing bowls. hey now... don't judge! wink
you and me both! Judge? Who Me? You mean like casting the first stone? lol. I think this thread has made it pretty clear that I'm not without sin. he he he

does it help? do you have a url or link to these 'singing bowls'?

I'll do just about anything once. smile


The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires. (William Arthur Ward )
Re: Warm Fuzzies, Cold Pricklies and Rubber Bands and Boundaries [Re: Squeaky Tree] #260899
10/12/12 02:47 AM
10/12/12 02:47 AM
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 272
Kandyman Offline
Member
Kandyman  Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 272
Quote:

but so much more importantly I am going out of my way to make sure all the children in my life understand the different strokes and learn how to deal with them appropriately.


Can I ask?

What is the appropriate way to deal with them?


The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires. (William Arthur Ward )
Re: Warm Fuzzies, Cold Pricklies and Rubber Bands and Boundaries [Re: Kandyman] #260901
10/12/12 04:41 AM
10/12/12 04:41 AM
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 2,344
O
ohmy_marie Offline
Member
ohmy_marie  Offline
Member
O
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 2,344
Quote:
does it help? do you have a url or link to these 'singing bowls'?


re does it help?-- it helps me quiet anxious/negative thoughts. keeps me from dwelling on painful memories.

you can find many relaxation sounds/videos on youtube. personally, i find bells very soothing-- and to me, the tibetan singing bowls sound like bells. here's a link to one of my favorites--

tibetan singing bowls-- youtube


may came home with a smooth round stone
as small as a world and as large as alone. -- e. e. cummings
Re: Warm Fuzzies, Cold Pricklies and Rubber Bands and Boundaries [Re: Kandyman] #260910
10/12/12 10:39 AM
10/12/12 10:39 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,407
Not quite here
Squeaky Tree Offline
Member
Squeaky Tree  Offline
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,407
Not quite here
Originally Posted By: Kandyman
Quote:

but so much more importantly I am going out of my way to make sure all the children in my life understand the different strokes and learn how to deal with them appropriately.


Can I ask?

What is the appropriate way to deal with them?


Maybe "deal" was the wrong term...maybe I mean recognise them for what they are and appreciate them or realise who/where they are coming from. Thinking about this it is easy to recognise those overwhelmed with negative strokes that become withdrawn or act out....the "opposite" ones are less easy to be responsive to because their way of dealing appears outwardly positive....with me relating to this type, I guess I would see these as the "strong" type, who just get on with it and shove their emotions tightly in a box....

I think once these fuzzies and pricklies and bands can be recognised and understood, we do just deal with them....at times of heightened emotion we may find it hard to recognise, but most of the time I find some good old self talk softens the impact of the negative strokes....

But does that give the positive strokes more weight and reduce our need to self validate?


Married 22years (this year) ~13y since dday(?)
DD17 DS14
Which way do you like yourself? ~ Stosny
Re: Warm Fuzzies, Cold Pricklies and Rubber Bands and Boundaries [Re: Squeaky Tree] #260913
10/12/12 12:03 PM
10/12/12 12:03 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,404
Utah
Kayla Offline OP
Member
Kayla  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,404
Utah
Rubber band in the work place:
You're good enough to survive the layoff cuts. We're docking your pay by 40%.


Consider that we don't have to live with the consequences of our advice in your life. Act according to what you can live with!
Re: Warm Fuzzies, Cold Pricklies and Rubber Bands and Boundaries [Re: Squeaky Tree] #260922
10/12/12 01:21 PM
10/12/12 01:21 PM
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 272
Kandyman Offline
Member
Kandyman  Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 272
Quote:
...the "opposite" ones are less easy to be responsive to because their way of dealing appears outwardly positive....with me relating to this type, I guess I would see these as the "strong" type, who just get on with it and shove their emotions tightly in a box....

Ah but you see being a massage therapist and emotional release bodyworker I have spent the past 15 years see preciesely what the impact of 'shoving emotions in a box' actually does to a body, not to mention the life of the person doing the shoving.
Quote:

I think once these fuzzies and pricklies and bands can be recognised and understood, we do just deal with them....at times of heightened emotion we may find it hard to recognise, but most of the time I find some good old self talk softens the impact of the negative strokes....

But does that give the positive strokes more weight and reduce our need to self validate?
....or is the good old self talk THE validation that was missing?

so let's hear what that self talk is? I'm guessing it's the missing validation dna strand that somehow you produce with your self talk?


The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires. (William Arthur Ward )
Re: Warm Fuzzies, Cold Pricklies and Rubber Bands and Boundaries [Re: Kayla] #260923
10/12/12 01:23 PM
10/12/12 01:23 PM
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 272
Kandyman Offline
Member
Kandyman  Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 272
Originally Posted By: Kayla
Rubber band in the work place:
You're good enough to survive the layoff cuts. We're docking your pay by 40%.
oh goodie! I'm spending 40% more of my intentional creative energy now looking for other less greedy basta*ds to work for now. No problem. smile


The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires. (William Arthur Ward )
Re: Warm Fuzzies, Cold Pricklies and Rubber Bands and Boundaries [Re: Kandyman] #260942
10/12/12 03:30 PM
10/12/12 03:30 PM
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 2,344
O
ohmy_marie Offline
Member
ohmy_marie  Offline
Member
O
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 2,344
Quote:
but most of the time I find some good old self talk softens the impact of the negative strokes....


i'm finding out, that as a WS, it's almost imperative that i practice positive self-talk.

there seems to be lots of rubber-band strokes to be had for the WS, but not too many positive strokes are handed out (if any). negative strokes, on the other hand, seem to be readily available and given out freely.

(but what did i expect... right??)

personally, i hate negative strokes. negative strokes send me spiraling downward-- and at times give me great feelings of despair. it's why i've had to flee from this forum in the past. the downward spiraling actually tends to send me back to a place inside me that can only see and feel failure. pretty scary. it's like i give up on myself-- like i hear all the negative voices piling on and instead of fighting, i agree that i'm a hopeless, unloving, uncaring, selfish negative person-- and i fold in on myself and go back to being that person.

recently, somewhere deep inside me, my little-engine-that-could has been FIGHTING BACK. i don't want the negative strokes to win. i refuse to give the negative strokes power-- i'm rooting for me, the underdog.

and if i have to "run" solo, i CAN and i WILL (tho, i'd honestly LOVE to have someone on my team). and if someone is unable to sincerely give me postive strokes because it somehow goes against what they believe-- hand-holding suits me just fine.

in the meantime, and since i don't have anyone holding my hand, i've been practicing positive self-talk (in addition to the meditating). and it goes something like this--

i WANT to be better. in this moment, i AM better.

simple. effective. empowering.


may came home with a smooth round stone
as small as a world and as large as alone. -- e. e. cummings
Re: Warm Fuzzies, Cold Pricklies and Rubber Bands and Boundaries [Re: ohmy_marie] #260946
10/12/12 03:50 PM
10/12/12 03:50 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 17,282
The Castle Aaaggghh...
herfuturesbright Offline
Member
herfuturesbright  Offline
Member
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 17,282
The Castle Aaaggghh...
Quote:
Stroke deprivation adds up though. For an "opposite" child, who does everything she can to get positive strokes, but refusing to compete makes it hard to get the strokes she needs. It leaves it's own brand of "messed up".


This hit me so hard I literally have not read one single response that has come after......This goes into my "to think really hard about later" file. This was me as well. Do over and over what I KNEW would please. When something got really hard and there was a chance of failure (like once I got past the grade 5 book in piano), drop it. I still have an out of proportion inward response if anyone is displeased or disappointed in me. I either just crumble or I get angry that I cannot be enough for them.

Re: Warm Fuzzies, Cold Pricklies and Rubber Bands and Boundaries [Re: ohmy_marie] #260947
10/12/12 04:03 PM
10/12/12 04:03 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
B
believer Offline
Member
believer  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
Originally Posted By: ohmy_marie
Quote:
but most of the time I find some good old self talk softens the impact of the negative strokes....


i'm finding out, that as a WS, it's almost imperative that i practice positive self-talk.

there seems to be lots of rubber-band strokes to be had for the WS, but not too many positive strokes are handed out (if any). negative strokes, on the other hand, seem to be readily available and given out freely.

(but what did i expect... right??)

personally, i hate negative strokes. negative strokes send me spiraling downward-- and at times give me great feelings of despair. it's why i've had to flee from this forum in the past. the downward spiraling actually tends to send me back to a place inside me that can only see and feel failure. pretty scary. it's like i give up on myself-- like i hear all the negative voices piling on and instead of fighting, i agree that i'm a hopeless, unloving, uncaring, selfish negative person-- and i fold in on myself and go back to being that person.

recently, somewhere deep inside me, my little-engine-that-could has been FIGHTING BACK. i don't want the negative strokes to win. i refuse to give the negative strokes power-- i'm rooting for me, the underdog.

and if i have to "run" solo, i CAN and i WILL (tho, i'd honestly LOVE to have someone on my team). and if someone is unable to sincerely give me postive strokes because it somehow goes against what they believe-- hand-holding suits me just fine.

in the meantime, and since i don't have anyone holding my hand, i've been practicing positive self-talk (in addition to the meditating). and it goes something like this--

i WANT to be better. in this moment, i AM better.

simply. effective. empowering.


I'll hold your hand across cyberspace, Marie.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Warm Fuzzies, Cold Pricklies and Rubber Bands and Boundaries [Re: believer] #260948
10/12/12 04:11 PM
10/12/12 04:11 PM
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 2,344
O
ohmy_marie Offline
Member
ohmy_marie  Offline
Member
O
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 2,344
thank you, B.


may came home with a smooth round stone
as small as a world and as large as alone. -- e. e. cummings
Re: Warm Fuzzies, Cold Pricklies and Rubber Bands and Boundaries [Re: ohmy_marie] #261222
10/15/12 11:28 PM
10/15/12 11:28 PM
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 272
Kandyman Offline
Member
Kandyman  Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 272
Originally Posted By: ohmy_marie

recently, somewhere deep inside me, my little-engine-that-could has been FIGHTING BACK. i don't want the negative strokes to win. i refuse to give the negative strokes power-- i'm rooting for me, the underdog.

and if i have to "run" solo, i CAN and i WILL (tho, i'd honestly LOVE to have someone on my team).


having a cheerleader on our team is something I think we would all like.
I like your post. I relate to those feelings. I also relate to the self empowered resolve that says, "ok if no one else will, I will, I am doing this anyway". That is what recovery fellowships are supposed to do. lol when they work.

Actually a song comes to mind... smile



The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires. (William Arthur Ward )
Re: Warm Fuzzies, Cold Pricklies and Rubber Bands and Boundaries [Re: herfuturesbright] #261225
10/15/12 11:39 PM
10/15/12 11:39 PM
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 272
Kandyman Offline
Member
Kandyman  Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 272
Originally Posted By: herfuturesbright
I still have an out of proportion inward response if anyone is displeased or disappointed in me. I either just crumble or I get angry that I cannot be enough for them.


wow, not being enough. that's a heart stopper in my life. I tried to be enough again and again. Whatever enough is anyway. I think it even transferred to my concept of God and I am never able to be enough for God either, or at least the concept I sometimes hold of God. It's (he's) never just satisfied with me.

ya know, I may be in pushback mode sometimes where I just go, "f**k" it! I'm me, take it or leave it. If you take it then you don't get the right to criticize and critique me, you take me on an 'as is' basis. If you can't do that, I don't want you in my life beyond the most superficial acquaintance level. If and when I want your opinion I'll ask for it, otherwise, do us both a favor and keep your mouth shut when it comes to evaluating me."

I suppose I then walk away if I get the impression that it's asking too much of them.

I don't really want to be alienated from others or God but you know alienation from a "downer person" is perhaps a good thing when you think about it.





The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires. (William Arthur Ward )
Page 1 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Fiddler 

Newest Members
Love_Smacked, starfire, JoyfulMimi, bruers, shattered72
2048 Registered Users
Latest Topics(Posts)
Hearts Blessing4
Woman urges NC lawmakers to end child marriage: For her it was a ‘life sentence’3
63 Marriage Facts1
COVID-19 and the Increased Likelihood of Affairs3
Updates Divorce Stats4
no more rainbow members?9
BR - The Art of War - Sun Tzu5
Questions & Answers About Marriage---responses from 7-10 year old kids4
seeing new members on mobile version5
Return of the Goddess31
Community Information
2048Members
1Penalty Box
6Suspended

42

Forums
8500Topics
463376Posts
 
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.6.1.1
(Release build 20180111)
Page Time: 0.025s Queries: 14 (0.004s) Memory: 3.4053 MB (Peak: 3.8046 MB) Zlib enabled in php.ini Server Time: 2021-10-18 16:23:26 UTC