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***FIRST WIVES fighting and BEATING INFIDELITY*** #263310
11/06/12 12:05 AM
11/06/12 12:05 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,535
Ace Offline OP
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The movie "First Wives Club" was on TV recently and although I didn't see the entire show, I got the gist of the story.

4 middle-aged WHs cheat on their wives with younger models and the BWs get even by pooling their resources. They are successful in that they recover their personal selves, their dignity and significance even though they do not remain married to their BHs. To me, the show's theme exemplifies the saying Living Well is the Best Revenge.

I'm curious about MA's "first wives" who are fighting and are winning the war on infidelity in their Ms.

What factors influenced your choice to fight for your M when it might have seemed easier to give up and divorce?

Did children of the M or other family members play a role in that choice?

What steps did you take to save your M?

Any regrets?

What advice to you have for other "first wives" who are just confronting infidelity in their marriages?

Thanks,
Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: ***FIRST WIVES fighting and BEATING INFIDELITY*** [Re: Ace] #263312
11/06/12 12:29 AM
11/06/12 12:29 AM
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Ace Offline OP
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I'll go first:

What factors influenced your choice to fight for your M when it might have seemed easier to give up and divorce?

We were both challenged by DS-20-something to first fight for our M and our family before giving up.


Did children of the M or other family members play a role in that choice?

See above answer.

What steps did you take to save your M?

Researched info, sought MC, worked together after H agreed to my ultimatum on the 4th devastation day "to stop anger and lying." (Details in my sig line.)

Any regrets?

I wish I had sought online help sooner in our marriage because that resource is what helped me help US get IRL assistance via MC.

What advice to you have for other "first wives" who are just confronting infidelity in their marriages?

* Look at the big picture before making any final decisions.

* Make every effort to try to fix what's wrong in your M so that even if you fail to overcome infidelity and eventually divorce, you can say with all honesty that you did your very best before giving up.




We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: ***FIRST WIVES fighting and BEATING INFIDELITY*** [Re: Ace] #263357
11/06/12 03:06 PM
11/06/12 03:06 PM
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soolee Offline
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Once you put a number on yourself, you are admitting that you can be or were replaced for some reason, and I don't think people should consider themselves replaceable, so I guess my advice would be not to begin thinking of yourself as a *first* wife, maybe.

What would you consider yourself then if there was a divorce due to infidelity on your husband's part? I would say that you could consider and describe yourself as his BEST wife, because it eliminates questions of who the onus is on straight up and keeps conversations with others from getting too personal, hopefully. lol

I do agree with your two suggestions, Ace. They are good.

Last edited by soolee; 11/06/12 03:17 PM.

Me: 53
Him: 53
Together: 34 years
Married: 27 years

"Aspire to Inspire before you Expire" Author Unknown

Welcome to Marriage Advocates! Please click here to join the group: http://www.marriageadvocates.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php/ubb/newuser
Re: ***FIRST WIVES fighting and BEATING INFIDELITY*** [Re: soolee] #263379
11/06/12 08:00 PM
11/06/12 08:00 PM
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soolee Offline
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Ace...I'm sitting here wondering what I would do, if that counts.

Honestly, I think the first thing I would do is come here to MA and hope that my friends here would walk me through, because I think it's like the untimely death of someone very close to you. You are never truly ready. No matter what education you have and no matter what provisions you have made, it's still a shock. Your head starts spinning, and it's still very painful.

It is always best to tackle anything new or challenging from a position of balance and strength, so if your marriage is so-so and not bad yet, well...now is the time to start working on it.

Strengthening a marriage before infidelity is key, I think. It's feasible and within reach. There are so many free resources and ideas out there, that no one can say they can't afford it or it's difficult information to locate.

Strengthening it after infidelity is possible as well, but imo it is going to take both people to get on board for optimal results, and it may sometimes require a third party (aka counseling) to get you to the point of accountability and where you can see beyond the pain and to a position of seeing value in the marriage and each other.

Some of the things that I have learned:

1) Love busters, especially the top 3, can damage a relationship severely and should be avoided.

2) Fulfilled emotional needs can strengthen a relationship and need to be reviewed and maintained regularly.

3) Regular dates make a difference.

4) All couples, no matter what the age, need to find pleasant things to do together, fun things that both enjoy.

5) Parents need to find common ground when it comes to parenting and discipline, stand behind each other, and be consistent.

6) I am accountable for the things I do that I shouldn't.

7) I am accountable for the things I don't do but should.

8) Withholding apologies subtracts days, weeks, years (cumulatively) from your marriage. Don't be a fool; apologize when you should and mean it.

9) Marriages need protection. In a society where marriage is not respected among all, extraordinary precautions need to be discussed, agreed upon, and used.

10) Talk a lot, but don't talk divorce unless you're discussing what might have gone wrong in someone else's marriage so that you can learn from it.

Just my .02.



Me: 53
Him: 53
Together: 34 years
Married: 27 years

"Aspire to Inspire before you Expire" Author Unknown

Welcome to Marriage Advocates! Please click here to join the group: http://www.marriageadvocates.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php/ubb/newuser
Re: ***FIRST WIVES fighting and BEATING INFIDELITY*** [Re: soolee] #263380
11/06/12 08:00 PM
11/06/12 08:00 PM
Joined: Dec 2012
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for to fade Offline
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What factors influenced your choice to fight for your M when it might have seemed easier to give up and divorce?

Factors, how long my marriage was, the fact that we lived together first to "make sure" we were solid, haha now

My solid steadfast attitude facing everything

Pretty much, I never give up on anything so that influenced my fight attitude

Did children of the M or other family members play a role in that choice?

Yes and no, they wanted me to file saw the cheating as a huge disgrace to our marriage, me as a women, to them, to our family unit, they looked at . as being dishonorable to us all

For those very reasons somehow it made me dig my heels in as far as I am concerned it is total dishonor to just walk away from a marriage and family

What steps did you take to save your M?

I took steps, and almost all were the exact opposite as I was very certain I knew . and I was stubborn and so every single step I took was the wrong one

Any regrets?

This is where I laugh

What advice to you have for other "first wives" who are just confronting infidelity in their marriages?

Stop in your tracks, do you want this person? Only consider you here in this question.

If not, file now.

If you do, I strongly suggest leaving and going no contact on them until they show up begging you to take them back and will walk on fire embers to prove it, otherwise you are wasting your time on garbage who did this to you.

And don't leave money laying around in the bank they will spend it all on the other woman and have fun doing it.

This is an are you in or are you out moment, don't waste it not striking your stance, a strong one either way now.

Last edited by Tinkerbell; 11/06/12 08:57 PM.
Re: ***FIRST WIVES fighting and BEATING INFIDELITY*** [Re: ] #263386
11/06/12 08:59 PM
11/06/12 08:59 PM
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Basically decide now if you want a person of honor and integrity by your side and move on that answer.


why?


marriage is not a game to be played and you are not a toy

you are of value, don't forget that

Last edited by Tinkerbell; 11/06/12 09:00 PM.
Re: ***FIRST WIVES fighting and BEATING INFIDELITY*** [Re: ] #263406
11/06/12 11:05 PM
11/06/12 11:05 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,467
right here waiting Offline
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Originally Posted By: Tinkerbell


marriage is not a game to be played and you are not a toy

you are of value, don't forget that


Yes, Tink. Yes. You yourself are precious. Sounds like you really believe that now. Tell me you do...I want to see you say it.
hug

Re: ***FIRST WIVES fighting and BEATING INFIDELITY*** [Re: right here waiting] #263411
11/07/12 12:30 AM
11/07/12 12:30 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,883
Gateway to the West
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Not2fun Offline
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Gateway to the West
Best Quote of the movie???

"Remember girls. Don't get mad. Get EVERYTHING...." Ivana Trump

laugh1


" If you couldn't change your partner when you were together, you sure aren't going to now that you aren't together..." Words of the teacher of the court mandated parenting class...and the ONE thing that stuck out to me!!!
Re: ***FIRST WIVES fighting and BEATING INFIDELITY*** [Re: Not2fun] #263467
11/07/12 04:40 PM
11/07/12 04:40 PM
Joined: Dec 2012
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Yes I do

a tink woo hoo

you all are such life savers

Where the hell I got the idea I was less than a little weird woman who thought all this was fine was beyond me, what in the world was I thinking????

LOLOL

why am I laughing LOL

free at last


I have to add, I knew there was an issue in my old thinking when I was trying to think "what if . came back" and I was arguing with myself about what am I going to do about all the things I do now, and what about the weekends I go off and do fun things, how will I monitor . or ewww no way do I want to anyway, and I have changed and there is no way a . person could even think he could be with me now

And also, one of my kids when I was contemplating the "ifs" of it all as I considered them heavily over myself almost, when asked what they thought of me thinking of it, they said what I should do is...run

My own kid said to run smile

LETS GET BACK TO THE THREAD SUBJECT, I DON'T WANT TO THREADJACK SUCH A GOOD THREAD

Last edited by Tinkerbell; 11/07/12 04:46 PM.
Re: ***FIRST WIVES fighting and BEATING INFIDELITY*** [Re: Not2fun] #263490
11/07/12 08:07 PM
11/07/12 08:07 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
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Lil Offline

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Originally Posted By: Not2fun
Best Quote of the movie???

"Remember girls. Don't get mad. Get EVERYTHING...." Ivana Trump

laugh1


Amen!


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: ***FIRST WIVES fighting and BEATING INFIDELITY*** [Re: Ace] #263494
11/07/12 08:26 PM
11/07/12 08:26 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline

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What factors influenced your choice to fight for your M when it might have seemed easier to give up and divorce?

Guilt -I knew I'd been a crappy wife and most of the nasty stuff he was accusing me off was true. Shock - I hadn't realised he was that unhappy. Panic - I had considered leaving him, but not really seriously. Love - there was still some. Kids - I knew the stats for divorce from when I had researched it for myself and its mostly bad for them. A long term determination that I wasnt going to be blamed for the demise of the marriage - if I worked as hard as I could and everyone saw that, they would know if wasnt me that stuffed up. Not a great attitude, but it was what it was and I was nearly crazy back then.

Pretty much it was all considered in that order.


Did children of the M or other family members play a role in that choice?

See above answer.

What steps did you take to save your M?

Initially sought help from the church, however modern beliefs of 'lets all be friends here' have infiltrated even traditional churches so I googled insanely for a few days. Hooked up with a woman in Australia on a depression website and plotted a drunken seduction of the WH. It worked but the results were disappointing. Joined Divorce Busting and bought the book but it seemed very reactive rather than proactive which suits my personality more. I googled some more and noticed this marriage builders website coming up again and again in the results no matter the search terms so I had a look. Took a while to figure out the forum deal, it was quite different from what i had been using. Signed up and begged, pleaded and cajoled assistance. Did the MB plan or Plan A, Plan B, with some tweaks from other sites (Ask Men, Tough Love)

Any regrets?

That I spent all that time focused on the affair, and let the last days of my dear Fred slip past.
Sometimes I do read the man up threads and posts and wonder if it would have worked out for us had I just given him the finger and waited for him to come crawling back, but I know that way wouldnt have taught me the lessons I needed to learn.

What advice to you have for other "first wives" who are just confronting infidelity in their marriages?
1. You're not the first wife, you are the ONLY wife
2. Lean as much as you can. Even if it feels like information overload, you only get one real shot as this
3. Take a good hard look at yourself, denial aint just a river in Egypt.
4. Seriously consider the advice others give you. They dont have to live your life.
5. Accept that you will lose alot no matter the outcome. Spouses, kids, jobs, friends - they all get touched by the affair frown
6. Do everything you can to save your marriage, I wanted to be able to say 'I tried EVERYTHING I could to fix my marriage, I left no stone unturned, I can walk away knowing I gave it my all.'





AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: ***FIRST WIVES fighting and BEATING INFIDELITY*** [Re: Lil] #263536
11/08/12 04:20 AM
11/08/12 04:20 AM
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Ace Offline OP
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Good points in reference to the term "first" inferring that invariably there will be more than one wife. I merely used it because of the movie but the word should be "only" or "exclusive" or something more definitive of the history involved with a long term marriage.

Foe social media purposes, many can probably relate to "first wife" due to the movie First Wives Club.


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: ***FIRST WIVES fighting and BEATING INFIDELITY*** [Re: Ace] #263541
11/08/12 01:21 PM
11/08/12 01:21 PM
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soolee Offline
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Absolutely, Ace, and I understood what you were trying to get across in your original post about the movie. I've also heard the term, "Starter wife" which I find tough to swallow. Maybe it's just me.

I think of 'starter home' when I hear it, as if it/she is just a stepping stone. I don't think most men think this way, though. I choose to believe when most people enter a marriage, they know it won't always be sunshine and roses and fully intend to grow old together.

The things that upset me, are websites that thrive on coaching people how to cheat or newspaper ads from lawyers with captions that say "Divorce made easy." frown I wonder sometimes how those people live with themselves, what their parents would think of it, or if they have any moral compass at all.

I'm sorry, Ace, for the t/j.

Last edited by soolee; 11/08/12 01:34 PM.

Me: 53
Him: 53
Together: 34 years
Married: 27 years

"Aspire to Inspire before you Expire" Author Unknown

Welcome to Marriage Advocates! Please click here to join the group: http://www.marriageadvocates.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php/ubb/newuser
Re: ***FIRST WIVES fighting and BEATING INFIDELITY*** [Re: soolee] #272223
01/02/13 08:09 AM
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HI
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HI
1st Wives Club - da' movie..... cool I liked it.

Each wife was the giver and like we see here, exposure works!!! thumbsup


Re: ***FIRST WIVES fighting and BEATING INFIDELITY*** [Re: Ace] #445344
02/08/21 06:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Ace
They are successful in that they recover their personal selves, their dignity and significance even though they do not remain married to their BHs.


Oddly, this show was just on TV again.....and someone was reading this thread this morning. Now that I've seen the entire show, I need to correct my original statement.

One couple does reconcile after it appears that the WH apologizes and appears to ask for forgiveness. The narrator says they get back together. It was a relatively quick process at the end of the movie so not very realistic.


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story

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