Originally Posted By: Looking4
T/J

Originally Posted By: kimmie lee
Plus, so many on this forum are so willing to take an adulterer back into their bed. Why??
People make their own choices based upon their experiences and the information and options they have before them. The variables that I've heard from people who opted to stay in their relationship are numerous.

Originally Posted By: kimmie lee
They have shown you what they are capable of, and believe me, infidelity is one of those pesky CORE VALUES. Those are WHO SOMEONE IS, and WHAT THEY ARE CAPABLE OF DOING.

These core values are line just begging to be crossed again.
Please point me toward the research that has identified what the human CORE VALUES are because I haven't seen the definitive, scientifically agreed upon list. I get a variety of results from a wide breadth of sources when I google "core values".

I shop-lifted when I was a child. I haven't shoplifted since.

I did some drugs in my teens and 20s. I haven't done them now in years.

I used to ski without a helmet until 6 years ago. I've worn one every time I've skied since.

I didn't get caught by my husband when I cheated. I might have been able to go through my entire life without him knowing. But I knew I wanted to change and live an honest, respectful, and healthier life. And I am doing so now.

People experience. People learn. People change. People are not 100%, perfectly consistent.

I am not who I was when I was 15, 27, or 42. I doubt most people are. It is because of what I experienced and learned when I was 15, 27, and 42 that has helped mold me into who I am and what I think today.

This statement that you made, kimmie lee, "Those are WHO SOMEONE IS..." -- proclaiming to know who someone is today (present tense) because of one thing that they did in the past (past tense) was assumptive, judgmental, and degrading, and it could be harmful for those who are trying to become changed-for-the-better individuals.

And as far as this "...and WHAT THEY ARE CAPABLE OF DOING." Everyone is capable of having an affair. Everyone. I repeat...

Everyone.

It's whether or not they choose to do so.

I struggle a lot with labels and judgments cast upon me. I'm getting better about letting them fall from me, but I can still be affected. And I know how especially affected I was by them when I was vulnerable, depressed, and fragile after admitting my wrongs on a forum. People called me names and spewed untruths that I talked myself into believing because of how unstable I was. Supporters who were trying to help me and my H (through my actions toward him) would write, "Don't pay any attention to what s/he wrote. S/he doesn't know you." But that's hard to do when you believe that you're glaringly wearing the scarlet letter and you feel that everyone will only see your sins, your shame, your guilt, and your disgust for the rest of your life.

I hope we can work to help people know they do not have to stay how and where they are but that they can change. Just as you and others are advocating that husbands and wives need to change their ways and thought processes to lure back a walk-away or a wayward spouse, I want to advocate letting adulterers know they can make changes too.

WWs and WHs can be former WWs and WHs. They do not have to be and are not defined by their infidelity alone but by what they do because of it. People who cheat and sin -- not only in their marriage but in all relationships -- can work through the pain they've caused others and become honest, unselfish, respectful, loving, caring, productive, and happier individuals. They can change.

I hope people on MA (and everywhere) will be open to that possibility.

end T/J


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