Who's Online Now
0 registered members (), 10 guests, and 36 spiders.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
 Trending Topics(Posts)
1.How to deconstruct a marriage.0
2.I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support.0
3.SIHW is back and Dealing with issues....0
4.looking for some support0
5.Social Networking Sites and Infidelity0
6.Signs of Infidelity0
7.The Difference Between Cheating and Infidelity?0
8.Not really sure how to survive0
9.The Five Big Lies That Keep You From Changing0
10.Pregnant and getting put out of the house by my husband0
*By replies in last 2 weeks.
In The Media(Posts)
Woman urges NC lawmakers to end child marriage: For her it was a ‘life sentence’3
COVID-19 and the Increased Likelihood of Affairs3
Does anyone remember this story?3
Validation to find-win-win slutions2
Things men want3
These Are The Signs You're Dating A Narcissist3
Girlfriend's 'controlling' list of 22 rules for boyfriend goes viral: 'She sounds crazy'9
What Divorced Men Wish They Had Done Differently In Their Marriages7
Alienation of Affection / Criminal Conversation9
Would you pay your ex a 'break-up fee'? - BBC3
more >>
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Documentation 101 for the Betrayed Spouse #272545
01/04/13 03:28 AM
01/04/13 03:28 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

Member
Lil  Offline OP

Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Originally Posted By: catperson
I'm gonna make a new book and sell it. Like one of those 'my child grows up' books in which you list everything that happens to them as they age. Only this one will be for people who discover their spouse is cheating, with separate sections for everything you need to start writing down and keeping track of.


Originally Posted By: ladygrey
If you haven't done so, PLEASE go read my "How to be a good client" post in the LEGAL forum . If you follow the directions about documentation and organization you will be in a MUCH better position to represent yourself (pro se) if necessary -- and a MUCH more appealing client to anyone who is interested in working for you pro bono (for free).

What you need is a timeline that ties into documentary evidence that is clear and easy to follow. For example:

12/28/12: received threatening text message from OW. Copy attached as "Exhibit E".

12/30/12: received "Respondent's Countersuit for Divorce" in the US mail. Copy attached as "Exhibit F."

Include ANY financial information you can get your hands on -- bank accounts, pay stubs, tax returns -- all under a separate chapter than your timeline. Again, keep it factual.

6/30/12 Bank statement reflects husband was paid 3,798.43 in compensation by ABC Company. Copy attached as "Exhibit L".

Make two duplicate notebooks -- one for you and one for the judge/possible lawyer -- with tabs in both. The timeline should be typed.

The more organized you are, the easier it is to follow your story and the more credible you become. Just as importantly, you will feel far more confident.


Originally Posted By: Believer
I would do an excel spreadsheet giving the dates and amount of money he has given you, and another one with the dates and hours he has had visitation with the children. When hubby states that he has had the kids 5 hours a day, you can go to that tab in your notebook and show that it's been more like 5 hours a week, or whatever.

You can also do one for your income, food costs, and living costs, and which of those are paid by the county.

I would also try to make up an income and expense sheet for your husband.

And since your sis paid for a lot of your food when you moved out, I would keep track of that.




AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Documentation 101 for the Betrayed Spouse [Re: Lil] #272559
01/04/13 04:16 AM
01/04/13 04:16 AM
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,210
D
dreamweaver Offline
Member
dreamweaver  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,210
For me, using my Google calendar, and posting on this site, has been a God send for keeping track. For those who are fresh into this living hell, write it down. Everyday. In a notebook, in your online calendar, but somewhere. So much will happen, so fast, there is no way to remember all you'll need to should you need the info for a separation, or, if need be, a divorce.

Take pictures of receipts WS spends on A (especially if taking the actual receipt will tip your hand!). Ya know that voice recorder on just about all smart phones? It is your best friend. Use it, especially when conversing with a hostile WS. Save the files to a USB, a disc & on a computer. Remember...have copies!

Make copies of all your W2's from the past 3 years, keep copies of your WS' paystubs, have birth certificates & social security cards of the children put away so that YOU have them. You WILL need this should you choose to separate or divorce.

Also, keep copies in more than one place! Keep a set with a trusted family member, close friend, or in a safe deposit box at a bank if need be! But MAKE & KEEP COPIES!

If you have children, document, EVERY day, how much time the WS actually spends WITH the children. It will be good for you & perhaps even the WS to see, either way, it will be a must for any potential custody issues.

I am sure there is more, but that is what pops off the top of my head...

Re: Documentation 101 for the Betrayed Spouse [Re: dreamweaver] #272560
01/04/13 04:23 AM
01/04/13 04:23 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

Member
Lil  Offline OP

Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Keep a running log on the computer of every text you get complete with date and time. Periodically email it to an email account your WS has no knowlege of. Make sure the password of thsat account is different from any you may have elsewhere. If possible ask someone else to come up with a password as your WS knows you well enough to possibly guess it. Log it somethinglike this:

1/4/2013 17:19 - I cant pick up the kids
(my response) OK
1/4/2013 17:24 - if you wernt being so stupid if wouldnt be like this
(I did not respond)
1/4/2013 17:30 - I'll get them tommorrow
(my response) OK

Just the facts as they happen and dont add notes about 'WS is being so mean', it doesnt help you AT ALL.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Documentation 101 for the Betrayed Spouse [Re: Lil] #272574
01/04/13 08:07 AM
01/04/13 08:07 AM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,607
C
CityGirl Offline
Member
CityGirl  Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,607
This will not apply to everybody but SAVE and DOCUMENT all things related to any counseling or medical expenses incurred that relate back to being left/betrayed/abused.

Co-pay receipts or out of pocket expenses, wages/vacation time lost at work, transportation to get to the appointments and summaries from your therapist/medical providers that outline your distress.

It's better to have it than not no matter how irrelevant you think it is. A personal example that I submitted and was considered both as a medical expense, hardship and further exhibit of abuse (and yes, this is embarrassing to post)... My stbx took our only vehicle without any legal agreement in place leaving me without a car. The first winter he was gone was a rather brutal winter. I was so broke and sick I couldn't even afford a new pair of winter boots and I was forced to walk everywhere (medical appointments, treatment appointments, the lab and pharmacy and so on). I couldn't even afford train, bus or cab fare. My feet were so frost bitten from having holes in my boots that I developed painful abscess all over my feet. My SLE did not help this at all. That winter we had a 34 day stretch where it did not go above 0 degrees. I asked, cried and begged for my H to give me 20.00 to get a cheap pair of Target boots and he would not give them to me.

The ongoing medical problems the frostbite caused with my SLE and the hundreds of dollars I had to pay to get treated were considered because I had good documentation.

Another thing to document is social media. While social media may be "new" to divorce proceedings if you have access to any of your spouses accounts print out everything you can find they or the affair partner posts.

Re: Documentation 101 for the Betrayed Spouse [Re: CityGirl] #272622
01/04/13 04:49 PM
01/04/13 04:49 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
B
believer Offline
Member
believer  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
I agree with keeping documentation of financial records in a different place, and as soon as you realize there is trouble in the marriage.

My sis is an attorney, and warned me that WS' commonly take all of the financial papers. She told me to move them to somewhere safe. At the time, it seemed kind of drastic to me, as I knew my husband would never be like that. So all I did was look to see that our file box of papers was still in the bedroom closet. What a dummy!

Two months later I was looking for a record, and realized that my WH had taken all of the important financial papers, our pink slips on the cars, deeds to our houses, bank records, everything. Then he even sent in change of address cards to register everything to the home he shared with the OW. It was a nightmare to unravel.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Documentation 101 for the Betrayed Spouse [Re: believer] #272815
01/05/13 11:36 PM
01/05/13 11:36 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,535
Ace Offline
Advocate
Ace  Offline
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,535
We had two joint bank accounts when WH cheated. At the time, we had a large amount in the account for which I was the primary signer.

After D-Day #2, which was a week after #1, I secretly took our DD 20-something to the bank, had WH's name/access/benefits removed and added DD as a beneficiary. In case something happened to me, the family would have access through her; if not, the account could have been frozen.

I documented everything and although it was uncomfortable for DD, I had her added as an optional signer on the account.

I waited until we were with MC to inform W?H what I had done. I did not think he would react but the veins in his neck stood out as he tried to steel himself. I'm glad we were with MC.


Eventually, after several months, I offered to add H back to the account once we began recovery and DH voluntarily had said he'd do anything to help me heal and followed through with his actions for many consecutive months.

Since H had been fired and his new job was commission only, he had added incentive to get (and keep) his act together.

Most important was the fact that after I documented everything, H KNEW I had everything in order regarding our finances.

Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: Documentation 101 for the Betrayed Spouse [Re: Ace] #273346
01/09/13 08:09 PM
01/09/13 08:09 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

Member
Lil  Offline OP

Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Originally Posted By: Chrysalis
A little hint about documenting that I have not previously seen on this site.

Use a book that cannot easily be tampered with. For instance, do not use a loose leaf notebook with pages that can be added or subtracted.

Use a spiral notebook or a bound blank book or a student essay book. Date every entry as you write it.

Your writing should be just as it is, with mistakes, different pens, bad grammar, whatever.....

Just keep a daily record in a book that isn't subject to tampering.

That way no one will be able to easily accuse you of adding facts later. You might also note other significant events of the day, such as stock market crashes, bad weather, family birthdays-- things that document that an event happened on the exact day you said it did.

Do not make this a journal about your anger over your spouse's adultery. Just facts.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Documentation 101 for the Betrayed Spouse [Re: Lil] #273448
01/10/13 07:01 AM
01/10/13 07:01 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

Member
Lil  Offline OP

Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Something not often emphasised - Write in INK !

Sit down and start back at the day you first discovered the cheating. Date it. One page or half a page for each day you have a memory, and start writing it all out. A spiral binder shows that you didn't add stuff in, it's chronological. Not all judges will read it, but some will. Highlight pertainent parts eg threats, physical abuse, any time police are involved.

An original, tired looking book with original entries holds more validity in a judge's hands than a typed, neat and tidy copy.

Photocopy (2 sets) the originals at intervals, and keep them safe with trusted friends. Each knowing who has a copy.

Document facts regarding the children. eg. H/W supposed to have DD/DS this whole weekend, never did show up and no phone call.

AWAYS, always keep the original documents in a safe, secure place that your WS does not have access to.

A useful alternative for the notebook if you are out, or away from it if you have a smart phone, check in the apps market for sms backup. You can change the settings so it automatically emails them to you. Then have them sent to a gmail account. However, remember 2nd and even 3rd storage place...... cc your selected support. Don't store data only on any devices the WS can take or cancel on you.

For custody purposes, don't just concentrate on documenting everything your WS does, concentrate on EVERYTHING that YOU do for the children. Important activities to note:

Doctor/dentist visits
School activities
School drop off/pickup
Extracurricular activities
Sports and recreation
Church activities
Trips and travel

In no-fault states, adultery carries very little to no weight. What does sway the judge is documentation of what a good parent you are, not trying to show what an evil person your spouse is.

Patterns of behavior sway the court, not incidents or anecdotes. You will be quickly ignored if come at the court with stories of "what WS did three weeks ago". Documented lists of your involvement with the children over months or years will be viewed favorably.

A hand written journal with dates is the best way to do it. From the journal you can then compile lists or even charts that show patterns of good parenting. These are much better to present in court, but you always need the journal itself to cite as the source. Bank records are also a good way of verifying these lists.

But remember, the goal is to prove what a good parent you are and who is the primary care giver, not to show what a rat the WS is.

A secondary benifit of all this documenting is stopping the WS gaslighting you. when the WS tries to rewrite history or deny comments that they have made, you have a blow by blow account in the journal and don't have to question/challenge your memory.

Here


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Documentation 101 for the Betrayed Spouse [Re: Lil] #273565
01/10/13 07:43 PM
01/10/13 07:43 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

Member
Lil  Offline OP

Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
As part of preparing for a potential divorce, part of your documentation, is to itemise objects taken from the marital home, and had some kind of appraisal done. Some 2nd hand shops will do one for free, or at low cost. If you are still at home, so much the better, especially if you can have it done before the WS absconds with anything. Include all items in the garage, shed, and outside as well. If there are specilized collections or items, try to find soeone with a good knowlege of them. For instance my 2nd hand dealer was unable to value a electronic/radio collection because he didnt deal in them. I ended up getting the secretary of the local radio club and do it.

If you can provide a monetary value of the goods, it can be countered with assests still held by the WS, and the monotary comepensation given out for the spouse with the lesser value.

For instance, I had documentation that the $$$ value of the items my WS was claiming for exceeded the value of the remaining items. If we had ended up divorcing I would have been granteed a larger share of something else - in my case I wanted more of the cash in the savings account.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Documentation 101 for the Betrayed Spouse [Re: Lil] #274093
01/13/13 07:42 AM
01/13/13 07:42 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,535
Ace Offline
Advocate
Ace  Offline
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,535
Another idea: find your life insurance policies and document any conditions that could invalidate the benefits. For instance, W?H was seeking attention because he was very depressed so he asked if our life insurance covered suicide. I wasn't sure but I said "no" just to eliminate that as a potential easy way out that would have wreaked havoc for me/kids.

When we got new policies, I kept the old ones in force for the 2 year waiting period required for suicide coverage. Some policies may not cover it at all. It's good to read the fine print to know where you stand (or sit or lay) on life insurance coverage. It's not a fun topic but it's better to read/understand them before you're in the midst of debilitating trauma.

Last edited by Ace; 01/13/13 07:43 AM.

We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: Documentation 101 for the Betrayed Spouse [Re: Ace] #341062
03/21/14 07:53 AM
03/21/14 07:53 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

Member
Lil  Offline OP

Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
BUMP for PSG


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse



Moderated by  Chrysalis 

Newest Members
Love_Smacked, starfire, JoyfulMimi, bruers, shattered72
2048 Registered Users
Latest Topics(Posts)
Hearts Blessing4
Woman urges NC lawmakers to end child marriage: For her it was a ‘life sentence’3
63 Marriage Facts1
COVID-19 and the Increased Likelihood of Affairs3
Updates Divorce Stats4
no more rainbow members?9
BR - The Art of War - Sun Tzu5
Questions & Answers About Marriage---responses from 7-10 year old kids4
seeing new members on mobile version5
Return of the Goddess31
Community Information
2048Members
1Penalty Box
6Suspended

42

Forums
8500Topics
463376Posts
 
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.6.1.1
(Release build 20180111)
Page Time: 0.019s Queries: 14 (0.004s) Memory: 3.2169 MB (Peak: 3.4373 MB) Zlib enabled in php.ini Server Time: 2021-10-20 00:14:19 UTC