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Reconciled and remarried? #275329
01/21/13 03:23 AM
01/21/13 03:23 AM
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awakened1107 Offline OP
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Has anyone done it on this board? Does anyone know of others who have done it. If so, please share.

Re: Reconciled and remarried? [Re: awakened1107] #275331
01/21/13 03:33 AM
01/21/13 03:33 AM
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Welcome, awakened -

Glad that you have found us.

I'm not sure if anyone on this board has reconciled and remarried, but I know it happens quite a bit.

For an explanation of why, please read Al Turtle's stuff about your imago match. I'll look for his post about it, but it might take some time. The basic premise is that, often, the first person you marry is a match, and you would do better to work on the marriage with them, than to move on.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Reconciled and remarried? [Re: believer] #275334
01/21/13 04:11 AM
01/21/13 04:11 AM
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Lil Offline

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Johnstwin did


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Reconciled and remarried? [Re: Lil] #275345
01/21/13 01:47 PM
01/21/13 01:47 PM
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Miranda Offline
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I have an aunt and uncle that did. I gotta say, it wasn't pretty. Their divorce was hellish, and their children suffered mightily. They were apart for like 15 years before they got back together. They seem really happy now though. Apparently they both had a LOT of growing up to do before they were fit to be each other's partners.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Reconciled and remarried? [Re: Miranda] #275370
01/21/13 07:30 PM
01/21/13 07:30 PM
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SW Chicago 'burbs
Mark1952 Offline
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I had friends that divorced and each went their separate ways but remained in contact and saw each other a lot "for the kids." Eventually, they remarried, about 15 years after the divorce.


mark1952.ma@gmail.com

I Was Thinking...

The secret to having a good marriage is to understand that marriage must be total, it must be permanent, and it must be equal.-- Frank Pittman
Re: Reconciled and remarried? [Re: Mark1952] #275372
01/21/13 07:42 PM
01/21/13 07:42 PM
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Here's what Al Turtle has to say -

"Finding a right one (yes, I said A right one) may seem like trying to find a needle in a haystack. However, there is a place that you may not have thought to look. And this might seem nuts. The last Imago match, the last person you fell in love with, and whom you broke up with in a power struggle, is probably a perfectly good Imago candidate no matter how silly you both acted when you split. All your past lovers, of any depth, are possible matches. You could have dropped them while in a Power Struggle with them, because you did not know how to convert that distressing situation into the University of Life. You might be better able to make that conversion now. Check them out! Heck, right now they might be rejecting their current Power Struggle partner! I told you this might seem crazy! I have met lots of people who are splitting from a current partner to go back and date their childhood sweetheart. (Of course if you are currently married, how about transforming that power struggle with your current partner into Vintage Love? Its quicker!)

I say, go for it!"

http://www.alturtle.com/archives/1065



"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Reconciled and remarried? [Re: awakened1107] #275385
01/21/13 10:12 PM
01/21/13 10:12 PM
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Ace Offline
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Originally Posted By: awakened1107
Has anyone done it on this board? Does anyone know of others who have done it. If so, please share.


Hi awakened,

Like I mentioned on the Newcomer's thread, Welcome to MA. You asked about couples reconciling and remarrying....as Lil posted Johnstwin's story is amazing. Not sure if she has posted it here on the Success Stories thread but if not, we'll encourage her to do so.

6 1/2 years ago after my H cheated and we were challenged by our son to fight first for our family before giving up, we agreed that W?H would need a mentor to help keep him accountable. We had heard of a guy who was a serial cheater and even though they had 2 young children, his wife dumped him.

It was a wake up call so he decided to clean up his act. During a visitation exchange, she impulsive invited him to join her and the kids for a snow day, never expecting him to say "yes."

But he did and 2 years later (after being divorced for 2 years) they remarried. That was over 45 years ago and they're still happily married.

I didn't know the entire story (we were once a part of their re-commitment ceremony at a youth camp, which was how I knew they had remarried). We found them, met with them, were inspired by their story and H still meets with the guy occasionally.

She felt that she took him back sooner than she should have (due to having two small children) so it was tough in the beginning. But he changed, she changed and over the years they made it work. and they are not just surviving but thriving today.

Best wishes and again, welcome to MA.

Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: Reconciled and remarried? [Re: Ace] #275388
01/22/13 12:17 AM
01/22/13 12:17 AM
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awakened1107 Offline OP
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First of all, thank you all for responding. This board is great - so positive and real. Some other boards will give you the "ex is an ex for a reason" etc, so meaningless and shallow - I will follow up on all your points. Thank you!

Re: Reconciled and remarried? [Re: awakened1107] #275389
01/22/13 12:38 AM
01/22/13 12:38 AM
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I hope you will read Al Turtle's stuff about what happens to marriages that sometimes causes divorces. He has good stuff. You either like him, or you don't.

But since I got divorced, I've read him a lot, and he gives excellent advice about learning from past mistakes, and doing better the next time.

Besides Johnstwin, we have another member that was divorced and tried to reconcile, but it didn't work out. She worked very hard on herself and her issues, but her husband just couldn't forgive.

There were several partners on MarriageBuilders who divorced and then remarried, and they all did fine.

When you feel comfortable, please share your story, and I'm sure you'll get lots of ideas on how to proceed.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Reconciled and remarried? [Re: believer] #275392
01/22/13 01:24 AM
01/22/13 01:24 AM
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awakened1107 Offline OP
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So, I don't have access rights to users profiles - how can I find there posts? (Johnstwin for ex.)

Re: Reconciled and remarried? [Re: awakened1107] #275394
01/22/13 01:36 AM
01/22/13 01:36 AM
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There may be a certain number of posts that you have to make before you can access users, profiles. I'm not sure. Were you signed in when you tried to access them?

Johnstwim is usually around, and I'll PM her when I see her. And I'll look to see if I can link her thread.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Reconciled and remarried? [Re: believer] #275395
01/22/13 01:45 AM
01/22/13 01:45 AM
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I checked her posts, and she doesn't have her own thread, so her story is probably spread out all over the place. I'll just say that her marriage seemed completely hopeless, they got a divorce, and then remarried. And I think it was only a year later, but I might be wrong there.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Reconciled and remarried? [Re: believer] #275396
01/22/13 01:55 AM
01/22/13 01:55 AM
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awakened1107 Offline OP
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Cool, thx. I'll start reading around...

Re: Reconciled and remarried? [Re: awakened1107] #275398
01/22/13 02:32 AM
01/22/13 02:32 AM
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Posts: 9,007
The Farm
Jayne241 Offline
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If you click on a user's name, there should be a pull-down menu that appears saying:

View profile
Send a PM
Add to your Watched Users
View posts

If clicking on "View posts" says you don't have access rights to view that, then I bet you need to have posted 25 posts first.

Alternatively, believer, you could post links to the posts you are thinking of.

Welcome to MarriageAdvocates, awakened1107! I'm glad to see you are reading around. There's no pressure to share anything before you're ready, but we're here if you want. And once you get to 25 posts, you'll be able to access more of the forum. I'm sorry it's set up that way, but it is for the protection of the members here, to keep certain things from casual snoopers. Privacy is important.




42.
Re: Reconciled and remarried? [Re: Jayne241] #275407
01/22/13 03:09 AM
01/22/13 03:09 AM
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awakened1107 Offline OP
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Sounds good Jayne241, I'm ok with the rules. I've started reading around. Found a thread I felt strongly on and, I feel, really put a lot into my reply. Hope it wasn't too strong handed though. Guess I'll see.

I'll share my story when I'm ready...I want to help others, I want help from others..

Re: Reconciled and remarried? [Re: awakened1107] #275417
01/22/13 03:56 AM
01/22/13 03:56 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 9,007
The Farm
Jayne241 Offline
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I saw your post, and I think you made a very pertinent point. I agree that "trading in one set of baggage for another" doesn't help. No matter where you go, there you are. smile You'll have to deal with your baggage whether it's with who you're with now, or with someone in the future, or on your own.

I'm sure you have a lot to contribute. I look forward to reading more of your posts.


42.
Re: Reconciled and remarried? [Re: Jayne241] #275442
01/22/13 02:16 PM
01/22/13 02:16 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,285
PEEKSKILL NY
Rich57 Offline
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Welcome awakened1107

Glad you are posting and I look forward to hearing more about you.

While the link I am about to give you does not exactly answer your question you might find it interesting.

It states that 10% of separated marriages reconcile.

http://brokenheartonhold.com/Statistics.shtml

I have read some other similar type statistics on other websites also.

Here is another thread from another forum

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking...istics-truthful

Granted that some of these people maybe never divorced.
I think that it can happen.

I think the important thing to remember is that we can only control our portion of this.
We need to be happy, and confident in our life.
Then if we have another relationship it will be the best possible one.
We must move forward with our lives.
Make the best of each moment right now.
Then their can be no regrets on how you have lived your life.

Please post your story and get up to 25 posts!

Last edited by Rich57; 01/22/13 02:22 PM. Reason: add another link
Re: Reconciled and remarried? [Re: Rich57] #275445
01/22/13 03:24 PM
01/22/13 03:24 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 9,381
TX
CajunRose Offline
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Everyone *should* do the work on themselves before remarrying, whether it's their old spouse or someone knew. Reconciling with a previous partner has a larger set of difficulty, because you have a lot to forgive and to forget. It is much more difficult to rebuild trust in that scenario than to build it from scratch, I would think.

I know lots of people who have divorced and reconciled. Most of the second marriages did not work. The key, in my experience, was whether BOTH parties fixed their issues, and whether the underlying problems were fixable at all.
My parents dated for 3 years after their divorce. My dad had not changed and was essentially cake eating. Mom finally broke it off.

My dad divorced my stepmom (his 5th wife) after a year of marriage. She moved to a different state and started a new life. He finally grew up, changed himself a great deal, and won her back. They were blissfully happy for the next 3 years (until his death).

My xH's aunt married one husband at least twice. Neither of them worked on themselves, and he left for good when she got pregnant.

My cousin was in a serious relationship (not married). They broke up, found out she was pregnant, and were just coparents for a year. Then they started dating again and married...but divorced several years later. They hadn't learned enough. (This was hard on their daughter.)

My realtor divorced her husband (classic WAW). They were both dating other people when she decided she didn't want to share her grandchildren with another woman. They figured out a way to make their relationship work again, and they've been happy now for years.

It's possible to do. It's hard.


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Reconciled and remarried? [Re: CajunRose] #275470
01/22/13 05:49 PM
01/22/13 05:49 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 358
Pacific Northwest-US
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Hi awakened-

I remarried my ex. I posted my story to praying4hubby here:

http://www.marriageadvocates.com/ubbthre...home#Post245103

Her thread may be helpful for you as well.

I'll be around-


"Do or do not. There is no try." -Yoda
Re: Reconciled and remarried? [Re: johnstwin] #275474
01/22/13 06:37 PM
01/22/13 06:37 PM
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awakened1107 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: johnstwin
Hi awakened-

I remarried my ex. I posted my story to praying4hubby here:

http://www.marriageadvocates.com/ubbthre...home#Post245103

Her thread may be helpful for you as well.

I'll be around-


Hi johstwin, thx, I'll read it. I was referred to you smile

Re: Reconciled and remarried? [Re: johnstwin] #275475
01/22/13 06:45 PM
01/22/13 06:45 PM
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awakened1107 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: johnstwin
Hi awakened-

I remarried my ex. I posted my story to praying4hubby here:

http://www.marriageadvocates.com/ubbthre...home#Post245103

Her thread may be helpful for you as well.

I'll be around-


How long after your D did he say he was lost w/o you? How long before your D where you basically disconnected because you knew you would be getting divorced. On a side note, the I'm lost w/o you quote brought tears to my eyes, luckily my office has a personal quite room...

Re: Reconciled and remarried? [Re: awakened1107] #275476
01/22/13 07:12 PM
01/22/13 07:12 PM
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Hugs to you, awakened. I'm sorry you are so sad.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Reconciled and remarried? [Re: awakened1107] #275479
01/22/13 07:30 PM
01/22/13 07:30 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 358
Pacific Northwest-US
johnstwin Offline
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Quote:
How long after your D did he say he was lost w/o you?
It was just under 2 years. We had been separated about 1 year before the D while I was going through chemo. He would have pursued the D sooner but I wasn't willing to deal with both chemo and D at the same time. He backed off.

Quote:
How long before your D where you basically disconnected because you knew you would be getting divorced.
It was part of the process. I didn't disconnect so much as I made the decision to not be his "friend" AND let him know that shortly after the D was final. We were both at our YS's Armed Drill meet. It was a conscious decision that I kept in my mind when I interacted with him. No "chats" on the phone, just kid stuff. No having dinner with him and our son when I dropped YS off.

Maybe part of my "disconnection" was also realizing that I still loved him even after nearly 3 years of separation and divorce, and I gave my love for my XH to God. I didn't dwell on it or have hopes that somehow he would return. He had D'd me. "We" were over except for our kids and our history.

I got on with my life. I got my certification in Educational Administration. I joined a group at church that went on day hikes. I explored local areas when I was by myself. I found some great areas for walking and hiking. I journaled. I went on a spiritual retreat to focus on forgiveness. I waited for the right time to feel ready to start dating again.

I decided that I would do things and wait for my feelings to follow and I trusted in God's plan for me.

I hope this helps-


"Do or do not. There is no try." -Yoda
Re: Reconciled and remarried? [Re: johnstwin] #275493
01/22/13 08:54 PM
01/22/13 08:54 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline

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slight TJ:

JT, that post ^^^ and the one to P4H would make a great JT sucess story thread *hint*

I'll even put them together if you like smile

/TJ


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Reconciled and remarried? [Re: Lil] #275507
01/22/13 10:19 PM
01/22/13 10:19 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 358
Pacific Northwest-US
johnstwin Offline
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T/J response to Lil-

Quote:
JT, that post ^^^ and the one to P4H would make a great JT sucess story thread *hint*

I'll even put them together if you like


Sure! grin

Thanks Lil!


"Do or do not. There is no try." -Yoda
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