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Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life #283847
03/06/13 04:27 AM
03/06/13 04:27 AM
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Northwest Washington State, US...
AlTurtle Offline OP
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AlTurtle  Offline OP
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I am writing this because of the postings of some friends in MA, directly on this topic. While I have often encountered this subject and its benefits /complications in relationships, I have written little about it. This, below, is my one article on it that holds the place for future articles. Until I write my thoughts on this, here are some references.

Quote:
One of the clearest sources for this material is the writings and speeches of Malidoma Patrice Som. By being raised in an indigenous culture and by being educated in the west, he stands as a bridge connecting the wisdom of ancient cultures and the modern.

Malidoma is an initiated Elder into the Dagara Tribe of West Central Africa. He is also the holder of a Ph.D. in Political Science from the Sorbonne, and a second Ph.D. in English Literature from Brandeis. Author of many books, including Of Water and the Spirit and The Healing Wisdom of Africa he now travels the world providing workshops to share the traditional wisdom and spirit of Africa.

As I have learned, in the Dagara Tribe all children are believed to be born with the seed of unique genius within them. Each child is seen as potentially brilliant at something. I've learned to call this Purpose. If a person is acting out their unique purpose, they will feel energized and sense "meaning" in all they do. If you are not acting out what they are designed to do, they will often feel discouraged, depressed, and have a sense of "wasting their lives."

It takes a community to help fertilize each person's genius, and that genius takes form in relationship to that community. This back and forth connection can be found in phrases like "it is better to give than receive" and "Don't ask what your country can do for you, better ask what you can do for your country."

My belief is that when a couple begins to achieve success at forming a healthy community for themselves, this spark of genius will start to surface in both of them. It will awaken and needs to be nourished by both partners.


There are several life events that bring this drive toward Purpose in Life to the surface: a close-brush-with-death is good, retirement or closing-of-a-job in men, children-leaving-home in women are a few examples. In many writings this is called a midlife- or an identity-crisis.

And here we are.

Let's start with an orientation on what I've learned is Purpose. Remember, this is how I see it.

1) The best idea I've found is that a person's Purpose is created prior to birth by God, is born with them, and follows them throughout life till they die. It is not something to go out or look out and find. It is something to look inside for.

2) While it is unique for each person, many people have similar purposes.

3) Since it is always there, it has been around all your life, though you may not have, probably haven't, noticed it. Still it has effected you all the time. The image I use is that rope in a subway or bus or trolley that runs from the front to the rear. Anyone can pull it to stop the vehicle. I think of purpose as a golden thread that is born with you, travels with you in every room you go through and bends down into your open grave.

4) It is always within reach, but sometimes you have to reach far and sometimes it rubs up against you. You can't lose it. You can not know it is there and you can forget it. I recall Malidoma saying that childhood is often called "the forgetting," a time when kids forget their God-given purpose. Initiation, he went on, was a time/event to help kids remember their Purpose.

5) When you touch it or it touches you, you will feel alive, excited, and everything you do will seem to have meaning and delight. When you see your purpose in others, you will be attracted. My guess is "music" has something to do with your purpose, Marta.

6) When you are far away from your purpose you may feel discouraged, depressed, bored, etc.

7) Everyone has "purpose." Ideally it needs to nurtured by the society. In a couple that means both partners pay attention to nurturing each other's purpose. Tis part of love. And both partners thrive inside the relationship because that is one place (in a cold world) where their purpose is nurtured.

8) I say "cold", because I believe our culture is more a "control-freak" system where other people want to control/dominate you and extinguish your awareness of your purpose. And this attitude seems all around us and thus "NORMAL."

9) I think for many people "Purpose" seems a radical and dangerous concept, rather than the life-giving gift of God. When I lie down to die I would rather say, "I did my thing, the thing God gave me to do", than have to say, I did "their thing, the thing they manipulated me into."

No wonder I haven't written too much on this topic. Tis kind of hot.


Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: AlTurtle] #283895
03/06/13 02:48 PM
03/06/13 02:48 PM
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Al,

I think it is vitally important for couples to discover and understand their spouse's purpose and make sure that it's not squashed or discouraged. I don't think it's unusual for a spouse to feel insecure about the other's purpose. It is in fact easy to feel jealous, excluded, or have a desire to control purpose because it seems more important than the relationship. And sometimes it is. That can be a scary thing.

A musician may find his wife discouraging because she's unhappy with the lifestyle that goes along with his purpose. A husband may resent the amount of time his wife spends at work pursuing her purpose. It's sometimes hard to nurture purpose in the cold world when it can often be at odds with the needs of the marriage and the family.

But a marriage where purpose is unsupported is very vulnerable....because someone out there will be willing to make your spouse feel good about what they love, who they are, and what makes them sing.....especially people who share the same purpose as they do. This is why the workplace is such a minefield for marriages. Everyone wants to love someone who makes them feel good about themselves....affair partners are very adept at this.

I think couples are very lucky when they share the same purpose, but most don't. Traveling that path together must be very bonding, and yet....we're often attracted to people who are different because they are different.

How do we nurture purpose, when our spouse's purpose overpowers our own? How do we support something that creates distance between us? Or puts our marriage at risk?

It's easy to understand....sometimes hard to do.



"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: star*fish] #283919
03/06/13 05:24 PM
03/06/13 05:24 PM
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The Farm
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(The following are just some random thoughts of mine. I almost didn't post them because I am not sure it adds to the conversation.)

Very interesting. I hadn't thought about it in these terms before, but this probably is very applicable to people in the military, in office (government), medicine, etc. These positions make it very difficult to follow the "suggestions" for a good marriage like to avoid traveling without your spouse. It always bothered me that the MB "program" seemed to write off couples who weren't willing to give up such careers so they would never need to spend a night alone. I think it's unrealistic and unfair to say everyone in the military or in medicine should be single or resign themselves to getting divorced.

But this description of sharing purposes or supporting the other's purpose brings that into balance.

I'm very lucky that my H and I share the same "purpose" in that we are in the same field. Because of that, we've maintained a relationship that others would have said was doomed - living in separate countries, business trips with members of the opposite sex, medical difficulties, etc. My H is at meetings in California all week this week in fact. I consider his presence there as benefiting me as well. He can keep me up to date on what happens, he can talk to people for me, and I didn't have to make arrangements for a trip when I had several important deadlines looming.

To me, a mindset of "being on the same team" is crucial. If your spouse is confident that you are "on their team" or "on their side" then they will trust you. It can be difficult to feel like you are on the same team when there are lots of arguments. But if you can separate the "inner-looking" arguments (differences of opinion related to household, children, extended family obligations, finances, meeting each other's needs, etc.) from the "outer-looking" issues such as purpose, then the inner-looking arguments don't disrupt the outer-looking united front.

Other examples of "outer-looking" issues might be weathering difficulties such as medical crises, war, natural disaster, etc. Those are often very unifying. But wouldn't it be nice if it didn't take a disaster to bring people together?

I'm not sure why people of vastly different purposes or goals would want to join together in marriage. I think that would be one of the deal-breakers on marriage, along with agreement on whether to have children. But people change, and I could see someone finding themself married to a spouse who now has different goals than they originally presented. It doesn't really matter who changed or what changed. What to do now?

I don't know. If your goals do not align with your spouse's goals, then a power struggle is probably going on. It isn't good for either spouse to "win" at the expense of the other. I guess, if you don't support your spouse's goals and you don't feel they support yours, then I don't see why you would want to stay married. If you say "I want to stay married to provide a two-parent home for our kids" then that is a common goal.

(I think I prefer the term "goal" rather than "purpose." Purpose seems less defined, more uncertain. A goal can be specific. Probably folks used to writing business plans and mission statements can describe the difference between a goal and a purpose, but I think it's something like this: a medical clinic's purpose might be to bring health care to a certain community. The clinic's goal might be to serve a certain number of patients a year, or to decrease the incidence of diabetes or STDs or leprosy or something by a certain percentage in a certain population. So a personal purpose might be something as ambiguous as to be the best person/spouse/parent/Christian/friend you can be, but I think people actually yearn for goals, something more definable. JMHO. Also, two people might think they share the same purpose, serving their community or raising their children as best they can, but if their *goals* aren't aligned, if they disagree on how to fulfill the purpose, then they are at odds with one another.)

ETA: But I think my discussion of goals is at odds with Al's original post about purpose. I don't mean to negate his quote about each child having a purpose and the importance of being aligned with your purpose. I'm just not sure how to know if you are fulfilling your purpose, unless you attach some goals to it.

Last edited by Jayne241; 03/06/13 05:30 PM.

42.
Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: star*fish] #283933
03/06/13 06:13 PM
03/06/13 06:13 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
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Northwest Washington State, US...
AlTurtle Offline OP
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AlTurtle  Offline OP
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Northwest Washington State, US...
Originally Posted By: star*fish
I think it is vitally important for couples to discover and understand their spouse's purpose and make sure that it's not squashed or discouraged.
A great point, Star*fish. The most common case I see is one person who has a firm (maybe foolish) idea of their purpose, who is married to a supportive (maybe foolish) partner who does not have hardly any idea of their own purpose.

Two people with solid awareness of their own purposes seem to get along easier.

If I have the idea I am a hunter and when I ask my wife what she wants to be she says, honestly, "I don't know.", well then it is easy for us to collect ourselves (foolishly) around hunting.

Originally Posted By: star*fish
But a marriage where purpose is unsupported is very vulnerable....
Kind of like having a clock ticking on a bomb and no one hears the ticking. Yup.

Originally Posted By: star*fish
I think couples are very lucky when they share the same purpose, but most don't. Traveling that path together must be very bonding,
Must be. But I've never met this sitch. Never heard of it either.

Originally Posted By: star*fish
and yet....we're often attracted to people who are different because they are different.
Change that word "often" to the word "always" and you can see why a couple must learn the skills of Diversity and Autonomy. Yup

Originally Posted By: star*fish
How do we nurture purpose, when our spouse's purpose overpowers our own? How do we support something that creates distance between us? Or puts our marriage at risk?
Good questions. But go one further. Why would you set as your goal living your life in a close relationship with someone who "overpowers" you? You wouldn't. There is no Autonomy, Diversity, and Reliable Membership and Safety.

Better to set the goal as two people, children of God, who are equally valuable before Him and who live in harmony - not sychronicity/conformity. One sure can get lost in "power over" and "over powered."


Principles are simple. Applying them is a tough U-Do-It project. Go 4 it!
Al Turtle
Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: Jayne241] #283940
03/06/13 06:54 PM
03/06/13 06:54 PM
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Northwest Washington State, US...
AlTurtle Offline OP
Retired Therapist
AlTurtle  Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Jayne241
(The following are just some random thoughts of mine. I almost didn't post them because I am not sure it adds to the conversation.)

I personally think your addition is very very valuable. Separating goals and purpose, yep. Purpose is much more "uncertain", I love that word. The idea of "Being on the same team" tis to me a simple way of describing one of the traits of Vintage Love. Couples can be on that "team" while physically very far apart, easily. Sharing common things, fields, can make relationships, and even supporting each other's Purposes, easier.

Role of arguments: I find they have no utilitarian use if they are replaced by dialogue. I see an argument usually as a symptom of the need to develop Diversity and Autonomy skills. (I do enjoy your point about inner-looking and outer-looking.)

Originally Posted By: Jayne241
I'm not sure why people of vastly different purposes or goals would want to join together in marriage.....
Seems to be the way God has set this thing up. Here's how I see it.
Quote:
I recall Theilard de Chardin saying that this was a normal result of living on a spherical planet. Expand the population enough and there are no frontiers you can use to avoid your neighbor - who disagrees with you.
As an earth culture I think it easy to see we are moving toward acceptance of greater and greater diversity. Slowly (creak, creak), but surely, intolerance is losing. And we get to practice the skills of this at home with a personally dedicated (free) partner who disagrees with us all the time on everything. Kinda a big picture!

Originally Posted By: Jayne241
But people change, and I could see someone finding themselves married to a spouse who now has different goals than they originally presented. It doesn't really matter who changed or what changed. What to do now?
If your communication system is good enough, you will be fully aware of these changes and participate in them. AND isn't your goal that you are allowed to change as is your partner? Human tendency to grow and learn. I don't think you can, or want to, stop it. But it does kinda define how good your communication system has to be.

Oh, and remember from my first note in this thread, I was worried about this "waking up and finding your partner was heading for Africa" problem. Good thinking.

Originally Posted By: Jayne241
If your goals do not align with your spouse's goals, then a power struggle is probably going on. It isn't good for either spouse to "win" at the expense of the other. I guess, if you don't support your spouse's goals and you don't feel they support yours, then I don't see why you would want to stay married. If you say "I want to stay married to provide a two-parent home for our kids" then that is a common goal.
I think the couple you speak of is facing the definition of their desired goal (Vintage Love), and the awareness they are not there yet. So they can build strategies to get there. They could model for their kids how to give up. (Map of Relationship) but that just puts those (foolish) tactics into their kids heads.

Originally Posted By: Jayne241
ETA: But I think my discussion of goals is at odds with Al's original post about purpose. I don't mean to negate his quote about each child having a purpose and the importance of being aligned with your purpose. I'm just not sure how to know if you are fulfilling your purpose, unless you attach some goals to it.
I hear you. Which brings us back to the discussion of "finding your Purpose". For another essay to come. (My beliefs are in my head.)


Principles are simple. Applying them is a tough U-Do-It project. Go 4 it!
Al Turtle
Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: AlTurtle] #283971
03/06/13 08:02 PM
03/06/13 08:02 PM
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Northwest Washington State, US...
AlTurtle Offline OP
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FINDING YOUR PURPOSE

Finding your purpose seems to happen a little after coming to believe it exists, and even then it grows with time. If you live in a relationship, a family, a faith, or a community that doesn't belief in individual purpose, then you won't even start looking for it until you "awaken."

My experience is that most people's lives are suddenly changed profoundly by just the awareness of their purpose being "something." I didn't know anything about Purpose until I read Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl, and later in the 1990s when I and some friends started studying this topic. Others, Ive seen, discover the existence of purpose after a long time of feeling depressed, purposeless, discouraged with life, etc. Sharing about purpose seems to really help people understand themselves better.

A Story about a Purpose Helping Community

This is how it was told to me. In this African tribe, the community was used to helping youth discover their purpose. The idea was that a person who was following their purpose would be productive 20 times more for the community than a person doing what they-were-told-to-do.

Quote:
Note: one of the traits of Purpose is that it only has meaning in the context of a community. Your purpose has something to do with giving, doing for others, and not much with taking (unless you are helping others to give).


When a kid is about 3, elders would come and live near the kid. They would watch and not interfere. After some days they would get together and talk about their discoveries. This kid is interesting. Notice that his mom is a potter, but the kid is clumsy and handles pottery negligently. I notice that he neglects other people when they come by. He seems really uninterested in people, which is odd because his dad is such a great lover. But do you see his eyes when a bird flies over! Did your see the quickness with which he grabs the lizard after lying still watching it for a long time! I think this kid is a hunter. Lets assign him to old (name) who was a great hunter. Let him learn as an apprentice. Lets see.

Clues to your purpose

Whenever you touch it, come close to it, you feel excited, more energy, a sense of joy, a sense of meaning and a feeling of being involved. When you move away the opposite feelings appear in your body: low energy, bored, life is pointless, discouragement, disconnected. These feelings can be strong or weak, but theyll be there.

Since your purpose has been around since you were born, you can review your history and look around for those feelings and the circumstances where they occurred. Ive shared this with many as an assignment.

List all your favorite books. Note your favorite characters or passages.
List all your favorite movies. Note your favorite actors/characters or passages.
Look through your schooling. What teachers/subjects were your favorites.
Look through all the music or songs you like. What are your favorite themes/singers.

Your Purpose will be among these favorite things. Not a one to one match, but among. Start looking for trends. Get a friend who believes in Purpose to go over your lists with you. Ponder. Others may have similar Purposes, but no one can control what makes your heart leap.

Start talking with others about what may be your Purpose. When you are on target or close to target, others will share how theyve seen that in you, too. Your partner should be able to see it in you.

When you are on target or close to target, you will see this Purpose acted out all over and through your life. You'll be able to say, "You know why this is so much fun for me? It's part of my purpose in life."

Eventually, you will in the future note when you are feeling close to Purpose and will be attracted to places and actions where you can have that feeling.

Tis my experience that I share.


Principles are simple. Applying them is a tough U-Do-It project. Go 4 it!
Al Turtle
Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: AlTurtle] #284199
03/07/13 04:24 PM
03/07/13 04:24 PM
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PEEKSKILL NY
Rich57 Offline
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I have very little to add to this at the moment, however I find this topic VERY interesting and quite useful.

Does age have anything to do with finding your purpose?
Does our purpose change as we age?
I would tend to think yes.

I do think I will add this to our twitter/FB page with a link to here.

Please continue to post and discuss.

Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: Rich57] #284224
03/07/13 06:04 PM
03/07/13 06:04 PM
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TimeHeals Offline
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Originally Posted By: Rich57


Does age have anything to do with finding your purpose?
Does our purpose change as we age?
I would tend to think yes.


My sense of Purpose has evolved continuously... with a few jumps here and there smile


Your Time Perspective Can Heal
Mend the broken, make strong the weak and vanquish the evil.
Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: TimeHeals] #284232
03/07/13 06:49 PM
03/07/13 06:49 PM
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AlTurtle Offline OP
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AlTurtle  Offline OP
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Good questions, Rich, and thanks for sharing TH. (I am completely unsure of what name abbreviations to use. Oh well.)

About age and change

My guess is that a person's Purpose doesn't change through life, but their awareness of it and their way of verbalizing it will evolve. Perhaps a better word is "refine."

Personally, when I first made a stab at my purpose (1992 I was 50) it was pretty generalized concept. Over the next 15 years, I thought of it more and more, experienced it more and more. I changed my description to be more simple and, I feel, more accurate. I haven't made much of a change in my understanding of my Purpose in probably 6 years. I think it still lives with me all the time. In fact recently I realized some things about me as a child that were expressions of my Purpose, but that I had never seen that way before.

In the Dagara tribe I gather they see the first part of life as a forgetting period, followed by the quick awakening to Purpose in Initiation, followed by living out that Purpose, followed by becoming an elder, and death.

In my experience the first part of my life up through age 50 was a forgetting. For 30 or so years I worked, brought in money for my family, raised my kids, often living out the "life" of others or of my company. Looking back I banged up against my Purpose all over the place and then would wander away. Then I stumbled through an awakening (1992), blending into a period of living out my Purpose. Now I think I am mostly into elderhood.

My experience is that my Purpose never changed. It belonged to me.

In the Dagara tribe they think of people in their middle years as too busy living out their Purpose to talk about it much. Elders reflect and share. Elders conduct Initiation for the youth.

In our culture, I think most people do what comes up next. Simple. As one gets older, events sometimes conspire to make a person thoughtful and reflective. That's when discussions of Purpose seem to happen.

I put Purpose into my Map of Relationships, the concepts of the "Biological Dream", and "Vintage Love", as it seemed to be a needed building block to understanding people. Without it something was missing.

Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: AlTurtle] #284277
03/07/13 10:33 PM
03/07/13 10:33 PM
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for to fade Offline
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I have felt my purpose in life was taken away when the affair happened. I have felt very lost. I did have a life it was just very busy doing things for everyone but me, I forgot I mattered.

My purpose, things I wanted to do, they are still there, on hold all this time while I was married.

I will read all this slowly, maybe it will wake me up somehow.

The Dagara tribe, amazing.


Last edited by Tinkerbell; 03/07/13 10:41 PM.
Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: for to fade] #284303
03/07/13 11:47 PM
03/07/13 11:47 PM
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AlTurtle Offline OP
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Hello Tinkerbell, Glad you joined this thread. The affair sounds like an awful happening for you.

Since in my opinion one cannot "lose" a purpose (you can misplace it), I would seek another description of what awesome and awful stuff happened to you.

Certainly, I hear, you felt, thought, your life's purpose was taken away. I got that. Also something about "being busy" and "doing things for others" was involved.

I'd try this on for size. My experience is that a vast number of kids in childhood are trained ("brainwashed" might be a bit strong) into self-neglect and into focusing on the needs of others. This pattern in adulthood is often called Codependency. I think it is based on an adopted habit of "taking care of others" while neglecting oneself or accepting neglect from others as a way of life. When "others" go away, one can feel completely lost and bereft.

I think that part of the process for people recovering from Codependency (I certainly had to do this) is to become familiar with your own life's Purpose that cannot be taken away.

Well, anyway it's a thought.

Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: AlTurtle] #284317
03/08/13 01:40 AM
03/08/13 01:40 AM
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Mary Emma Offline
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Interesting, I was reading a magazine today and the article was explaining how difficulties in life change your perspectives on what really matters in life.


Me 41
H 40
S 9
S 6

I want to live in a world where George Zimmerman offered Trayvon Martin a ride home to get him out of the rain that night. -Bishop G. Brewer
Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: Mary Emma] #284318
03/08/13 01:47 AM
03/08/13 01:47 AM
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Originally Posted By: LadyGrey

I absolutely lost it about a month ago over this subject after we had looked at houses in the target city -- one of those sobbing, please, please don't do this to me nights. I was being "irrational," my personal favorite dismissive phrase.


Originally Posted By: Al
I'm gonna try to unwind these sentences. Tell me if I get it.

Somehow you two got into a discussion that started off about houses in a target city. The discussion evolved into him crying and begging you not to "do this" (moving/complaining/disagreeing thing?).


No, I was the one crying begging him not to do this to me, this being to move me to a new city and buy another big house.

I was moved a lot as a kid, generally under circumstances guaranteed to maximize the trauma, so Im sure some of my reaction is based upon once again not being in control of my life. But the real issue for me is buying another big house.

My husband cares deeply what the front yard looks like and I care deeply what the back yard looks like, and that is an excellent metaphor for our relationship.

Originally Posted By: Al
He then called you, labeled you, irrational cuz he was so scared/angry.


I dont know why he labeled me irrational. Maybe I was being irrational. I stopped trusting my judgment on that point three decades ago.

Originally Posted By: Al
And you felt that your thoughts/concerns/wishes were being dismissed.


Well, yea Im pretty sure they were.

Originally Posted By: Al
My general thought is that your communication system sucks still: MasterTalk and bullying and submission (lying) is involved still.


The thing is Al, that is not going to change. It just isnt.

I gave up on my Purpose when I ended the affair and recommitted to the marriage. I did it consciously, knowing full well the sacrifice I chose to make. Everyone and I mean everyone-- wanted to make the issue about the affair the sadness and grief I was feeling were about missing the Guy, the problem with the marriage was that I was not meeting my husbands emotional needs, I was projecting/contrasting/foggy, blah blah blah, etc. ad nauseum. I look back on it an it still makes me sick.

That just wasnt true. I was grieving still do sometimes giving up on my Purpose. I did it for all the right reasons but it still stings. Im back to being a Stepford Wife, with no one to blame but myself. It is my choice.

So for me, this isnt about Purpose. It is about having a modicum of influence on our lives going forward or accepting that I wont with some degree of grace.

It isnt easy Ive been doing it for a very long time, and it never gets any easier.

At this point the only real reservation I have is my fear that my physical self will continue to deteriorate as that process seems to be accelerating at an unnatural speed.

So what. Live fast, die young and leave a good looking corpse.

Originally Posted By: Al
If I am anywhere near accurate, one of your life goals is to be with a partner who understands and values you always. Still working on that.


I like the theory, but I am realistic.

Look, he is a good man who is doing the best he can. He isnt a jerk who sets out to dismiss me or hurt me any difference of viewpoint from me on matters relating to appearances or our future are profoundly threatening to him and he must squelch them.


Bidden or not bidden God is present.
Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: LadyGrey] #284359
03/08/13 01:06 PM
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Originally Posted By: LadyGrey

That just wasnt true. I was grieving still do sometimes giving up on my Purpose


What is your Purpose?


Your Time Perspective Can Heal
Mend the broken, make strong the weak and vanquish the evil.
Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: TimeHeals] #284379
03/08/13 03:47 PM
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Originally Posted By: TimeHeals
Originally Posted By: LadyGrey

That just wasnt true. I was grieving still do sometimes giving up on my Purpose


What is your Purpose?


The only thing that matters at this point is that it is inconsistent with being married to my husband and I have made that choice.


Bidden or not bidden God is present.
Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: LadyGrey] #284380
03/08/13 03:51 PM
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Originally Posted By: LadyGrey
Originally Posted By: TimeHeals
Originally Posted By: LadyGrey

That just wasnt true. I was grieving still do sometimes giving up on my Purpose


What is your Purpose?


The only thing that matters at this point is that it is inconsistent with being married to my husband and I have made that choice.


I don't understand. Sounds too Sisyphean.


Your Time Perspective Can Heal
Mend the broken, make strong the weak and vanquish the evil.
Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: LadyGrey] #284381
03/08/13 03:52 PM
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I'm just not sure that I believe people have one "purpose" to last their entire lifetimes. I have been so many things in my life and they've all brought their own type of fulfillment. From mothering my stepchildren to being a student in the sciences and even when I worked as a makeup artist.

Maybe my purpose is just to help out where and when I can. I'm cool with that.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: Miranda] #284383
03/08/13 03:59 PM
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Originally Posted By: Miranda


Maybe my purpose is just to help out where and when I can. I'm cool with that.


Sounds good to me.

grin

Having a positive view of the past, a positive view of the present and toward the future, and concrete, achievable goals is nice, right?


Your Time Perspective Can Heal
Mend the broken, make strong the weak and vanquish the evil.
Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: TimeHeals] #284386
03/08/13 04:02 PM
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i'm thinking my purpose is sleep. i've always said that if it were an olympic sport, i'd win gold.

Last edited by ohmy_marie; 03/08/13 04:06 PM. Reason: grammar

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as small as a world and as large as alone. -- e. e. cummings
Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: ohmy_marie] #284421
03/08/13 05:57 PM
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This is a very interesting topic.

I have seen in my own relationship that things improved tremendously when I gave up the idea that I had to control the marriage or the family. Which was how I was raised, with the idea that I was to be the Head of the Household and responsible for everything. And that was contrary to my own Purpose, because while I felt I had to do that... I was never good at it and never expended any effort at doing it.

When I had my epiphany about how unhappy my wife was, I started to realize that she had her own separate goals, her own Purpose (although I didn't think of it using that term.)

This came out a few months ago in a conversation with my mother, who occasionally pushes for me to push my wife into converting to Christianity. (My wife is Jewish). I told my mom that, as her husband, I was the LAST person on earth who should be pushing her to convert. And what I meant by that was that it would be blatantly unfair of me to use my inside knowledge of her, and my closeness to her as her husband, to pressure her to do something she does not want to do. The explanation I came up with here on MA when I discussed the convo was that, as her husband, I am called to help her develop into the person she was meant to be, not to push her to develop into the person I think she should be.


**Formerly known as Cuthbert Calculus**

"There is enough sadness in life without having fellows like Gussie Fink-Nottle going about in sea boots."

Glad Tidings

Gladstone's Sucess Story
Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: ohmy_marie] #284423
03/08/13 06:05 PM
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AlTurtle Offline OP
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Good comments, everyone. I'm glad you've all brought up how important choice is in these experiences. From my work on autonomy I recall that everyone makes their own decisions based on what seems right to them at the time. I think one's Purpose, which I do think is born with you, is just one of those factors/drives to make choices about. And we all bear the consequences of our choices.

I was thinking of sleep this morning as I chose to get up. Sometimes I think I am really with you, Ohmy_Marie.

LG, I see nothing wrong with repeatedly choosing husband/family over your current understanding of your Purpose. I encourage you.

I love humor when dealing with "life/death" subjects. My understanding of Initiation processes in many cultures is that they almost always deal with the potential of death. Typically some initiates do die during. The community, I gather, thinks this risk and loss is worth it, if in return they get initiated adults. A friend from Guatemala, a Mayan, told me that "there are only two sure things in life: death and jokes."


Principles are simple. Applying them is a tough U-Do-It project. Go 4 it!
Al Turtle
Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: Gladstone] #284430
03/08/13 06:37 PM
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Originally Posted By: Gladstone
as her husband, I am called to help her develop into the person she was meant to be, not to push her to develop into the person I think she should be.


PURE BRILLIANCE!!


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: Gladstone] #284450
03/08/13 07:11 PM
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AlTurtle Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Gladstone
I have seen in my own relationship that things improved tremendously when I gave up the idea that I had to control the marriage or the family. Which was how I was raised, with the idea that I was to be the Head of the Household and responsible for everything. And that was contrary to my own Purpose, because while I felt I had to do that... I was never good at it and never expended any effort at doing it.


I love your point and want to draw something out of it. If you are doing something that is congruent with your purpose, you will have lots of energy and fun and excitement. But it's very common to be raised to be "what others think you should be." Here my hand drawn chart on this.


I was raised, pushed, driven to be a Doctor (my dad was), a Lawyer (my grandpa was) or an Indian Chief. But my purpose was elsewhere. People would support me if I moved toward being a Doctor or Lawyer. I felt no eagerness. When I finally found my purpose, I had to "break" through the wall of rules and conformity around me. But then I had energy to do it, and support, by then.

I think of the girls of the 1950s who were offered Housewife, Teacher, Nurse, Secretary and who's purposes were to be explorers or hunters or rocket scientists! Wow. I think of the guys whose goal is to be a nurturer and who is told to become an computer scientist. Argh.


Principles are simple. Applying them is a tough U-Do-It project. Go 4 it!
Al Turtle
Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: AlTurtle] #284608
03/09/13 06:46 AM
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oops

Last edited by Tinkerbell; 03/09/13 06:48 AM.
Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: for to fade] #284609
03/09/13 06:49 AM
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((((Tink))))
I read the word "terrible" and I don't read it as a negative.....but as a very grave decision you have taken after years of suffering. We are here for you.


Chrysalis
Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: AlTurtle] #284614
03/09/13 07:06 AM
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Originally Posted By: AlTurtle
Hello Tinkerbell, Glad you joined this thread. The affair sounds like an awful happening for you.

Since in my opinion one cannot "lose" a purpose (you can misplace it), I would seek another description of what awesome and awful stuff happened to you.

Certainly, I hear, you felt, thought, your life's purpose was taken away. I got that. Also something about "being busy" and "doing things for others" was involved.

I'd try this on for size. My experience is that a vast number of kids in childhood are trained ("brainwashed" might be a bit strong) into self-neglect and into focusing on the needs of others. This pattern in adulthood is often called Codependency. I think it is based on an adopted habit of "taking care of others" while neglecting oneself or accepting neglect from others as a way of life. When "others" go away, one can feel completely lost and bereft.

I think that part of the process for people recovering from Codependency (I certainly had to do this) is to become familiar with your own life's Purpose that cannot be taken away.

Well, anyway it's a thought.


To tell you the truth I feel so embarassed still wh did all this, like I failed. And co dept issues could be a lot of the reason I feel this way. Growing up I was almost neglected sort of, my mom always made comments she felt trapped and my dad would be gone almost all the time doing who knows what.

And wh is an alcoholic and I have learned I must have co dept issues, which for years I tried to get him to stop drinking and he would become beligerant. It may sound strange, but when this happened DDAY and all this and he left, it was like my project I had been working on left. I had gotten so wrapped up helping him trying to get him to stop drinking for years and following him around in the military, I lost me somewhere. And that ow has my project and it really bugs me, I have worked on that project a long time. I know he isn't my project, but he has been a lot of work, too bad I didn't get paid for all the hours. I am really disguested he ran off, and he is much worse now.

I know it sounds weird, I think with him not here, I realize now he was more of a problem I had to fix than a husband after awhile, so I named him my project.

It could be part of the co dept thing, as I really grew used to it all about him and his problems. Which see, this whole thing isn't about my purpose, see...

Good heavens, that post is like really a great description of co dept in action.

So I had the problem that left, and me surrounded by all the things in our home. And I sort of tried to remember me when young and how I was ok just me and what would the strong me then tell the me now who has forgotten the strong younger me, and it has been a long process.

I don't even know how to start to figure out how to do my purpose, since it is the same purpose it is there, only I should have got started a long time ago, many years ago.

Oh I have a question, do you think it is normal if you are co dept to be in a problem and hear other peoples problems, yet your problem is pretty much the same, only you don't think your problem is that bad? That is kind of how I am.

See, it falls in to that, I shouldn't complain, that is it.

Last edited by Tinkerbell; 03/09/13 07:15 AM.
Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: for to fade] #284636
03/09/13 02:39 PM
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Originally Posted By: Tinkerbell

co dept issues could be a lot of the reason I feel this way

Oh I have a question, do you think it is normal if you are co dept to be in a problem and hear other peoples problems, yet your problem is pretty much the same, only you don't think your problem is that bad?

First of all I think most BS are co-dependent.
So that seems to be part of the reason that we are all here.

What our spouses did is not excusable, maybe fore giveable but they have no excuses for it.

So do I think what you feel is normal.

Yes.

The advantage we now have is that it is something that we know that we have to work on.
That is a necessity to move forward.

Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: Rich57] #284740
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LG (((((stop the acceleration))))

Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: for to fade] #284741
03/10/13 06:28 AM
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The purpose I had when younger is there but there is no way to do it now there is not enough time.


Last edited by Tinkerbell; 03/10/13 06:31 AM.
Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: for to fade] #284761
03/10/13 04:05 PM
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AlTurtle Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Tinkerbell
The purpose I had when younger is there but there is no way to do it now there is not enough time.
Seems to me that Purpose is more a direction than a specific goal. More like "to be a scout" than to "travel to Tahiti."

And I've always believed that "following your Purpose" is not always possible. My example is "what happens if a person who is supposed to be a scout is born in wartime London, 1942?" My guess is that "they can dream and study travel books. They will be attracted to movies of Australia. etc. They may grow up to be a travel agent." smile

I am not too sure what happens to Purpose the further a person becomes an elder. I guess I will find out.


Principles are simple. Applying them is a tough U-Do-It project. Go 4 it!
Al Turtle
Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: AlTurtle] #284847
03/11/13 07:35 AM
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smile

That makes a lot of sense.

What I realized lately is for years I actually thought I had no interests, I have no idea how I decided that. Yet at the same time I was very creative and driven.

I did make a decision to stop working to stay home with our girls, and I see now that was a major error as it is really odd trying to get back into "working" now.

My mom recently told me when I was little she hated being home with us. All I could do was not say a word, as I decided to stay home and loved every minute of it.

This has nothing to do with purpose.

Although I resent she told me that, when I was just this ridiculous mother who would just get into the entire thing.

Which reminds me I believe my wh was jealous, if we had a son he may not have felt that way.

He wasn't jealous of them, he seemed angry I gave them attention. Only I feel you don't have children and let them run wild or ignore them. And with his drinking, I ended up almost being the only parent.

Which I am so off topic now.

I have always liked writing poetry, maybe that is my purpose. And I barely wrote anything during my entire marriage,

I need change this whole thing, the entire situation I am in/working on is really I am shocked at myself for how long it has gone on, where was I?

Off topic again, sorry.



Last edited by Tinkerbell; 03/11/13 07:54 AM.
Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: for to fade] #284882
03/11/13 03:23 PM
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AlTurtle Offline OP
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If we are careful and look close enough, I think nothing is off topic when talking about Purpose. Your enthusiasm for poetry sounds interesting.

I think that "waking up" is always good, even if painful.

The struggles you had with mom or ex or etc. can be just issues of a little kid not feeling nurtured and finding safety or adults feeling misunderstood, etc. Those sound generally to be frustrations that are at a more concrete level (safety, reliable membership, diversity, autonomy) than the stuff of Purpose.

But worth looking at when you have time.


Principles are simple. Applying them is a tough U-Do-It project. Go 4 it!
Al Turtle
Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: AlTurtle] #286386
03/16/13 06:59 AM
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Yes I seem to be stuck in the pain part of it, I at least once a day feel in pain from this. And this summer I decided to do something no matter how I am feeling, now to pull it off.

I grew up in the era of children should be seen and not heard.

That is the most amazing concept, for parents to not want to see or hear their children yet they had children. That is as much nonsense as clean your plate up their are starving children in Africa.

They both don't fit into making sense to a child, or to me now.

I think I may be onto somthing, a lightbulb moment. My parents fought all the time, I would hear them late at night fighting even, and the divorced. I swore I would never divorce. When we got married, we waited 6 years before trying to have a child, we wanted to make sure we would stay married. I have no idea how that would tell us anything, looking back now. And our children were planned, and by then I was older so it took awhile to become pregnant.

Somehow I think I thought marriage or family somehow was my only purpose from all that.

I have to think about this, I really think that. I worked before getting married and up until we had children isn't like I did nothing. But I made a decision to stay home, and I stopped moving forward as far as me, I just stopped.

Interesting. And pretty stupid of me.

Last edited by Tinkerbell; 03/16/13 07:00 AM.
Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: for to fade] #286395
03/16/13 01:15 PM
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Miranda Offline
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Originally Posted By: Tinkerbell
Yes I seem to be stuck in the pain part of it, I at least once a day feel in pain from this. And this summer I decided to do something no matter how I am feeling, now to pull it off.

I grew up in the era of children should be seen and not heard.

That is the most amazing concept, for parents to not want to see or hear their children yet they had children. That is as much nonsense as clean your plate up their are starving children in Africa.

They both don't fit into making sense to a child, or to me now.

I think I may be onto somthing, a lightbulb moment. My parents fought all the time, I would hear them late at night fighting even, and the divorced. I swore I would never divorce. When we got married, we waited 6 years before trying to have a child, we wanted to make sure we would stay married. I have no idea how that would tell us anything, looking back now. And our children were planned, and by then I was older so it took awhile to become pregnant.

Somehow I think I thought marriage or family somehow was my only purpose from all that.

I have to think about this, I really think that. I worked before getting married and up until we had children isn't like I did nothing. But I made a decision to stay home, and I stopped moving forward as far as me, I just stopped.

Interesting. And pretty stupid of me.


I don`t think it is stupid, Tink. That happens to lots of women. But now it is time to figure out what else you have to offer. I'm willing to bet it is a lot once you figure it out! You have so much passion there hass to be some direction you can turn it to.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: Miranda] #286398
03/16/13 01:57 PM
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I'm so glad to see you posting your thoughts and feelings Tink. You tried hard to do a noble thing for your H. Unfortunately he couldn't stay the course he needed to. It is NOT a reflection on you and NOT your failure.

I wish so much for you to find something you enjoy in life. A new purpose. Along with that an income to allow you to leave your nightmare behind.


I think you can see we are all here for you. Cheering you on.

((((((TINK)))))))


Accept what is,
Let go of what was
and have faith in what will be.
Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: 20yrsdone] #286405
03/16/13 03:03 PM
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Hey Tink
A book that I checked out from the library might be helpful to you. It is called What Should I Do With The Rest of My Life?" True Stories of finding Success, Passion, and New Meaning in the Second Half of Life.

As the title suggests is is full of stories of people who have found their purpose in life in their 60's and beyond. I'm about 1/3 of the way through it. The stories are different and some are men and some are women. I think 5 of them in the book are about women who stayed home with their children until their 50's.

In the intro he says that they all have similar characteristics:
"They are thin and maintain healthy diets, exercise regularly, challenge themseves, fill their lives with novel experiences and varied social connections. Even those who are of a more solitary nature interact and communicate with extensive networks of people. "

Well, I'm pretty healthy, exercise, challenge myself as I am always reading. In the last couple of weeks I've read a couple of books about depression in men, a teaching financial fitness to children book, book about Pickett's charge, the Weekend marriage, and just started An Irish County Doctor. ( I typically have 3 or more books scattered around the house that I read all at the same time.)

I do not communicate with extensive networks of people or have varied social connections. I basically interact with hubby, children, their private lesson teachers, a couple of homschool moms and my church. That's it. So that is where I need to improve. Although, we do have interactions with all kinds of people on our mission trips. We have traveled extensively for fun as well and really enjoyed our trip to Europe as a family a couple of years ago when the boys were studying 20th century. We went to England, a week in France and then several days in Germany. We stayed in a French Gite and explored the Normandy sites and talked to tons of French people. Saw the Verdun war sites. Very interesting.

The intro also said this, "Listening closely to their own desires, and not to prescriptions for aging well, they have followed their own curiosity on paths of learning and discovery. And in doing so, they have fed their passions and given themselves permission to achieve success."

Hope that helps Tink. I'm right there with ya!

Last edited by Marta; 03/16/13 03:05 PM.
Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: Marta] #286406
03/16/13 03:04 PM
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Marta Online
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Sorry my e seems to be stuck!!! I think I fixed most of my missing e's.

Last edited by Marta; 03/16/13 03:06 PM.
Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: Marta] #286413
03/16/13 04:07 PM
03/16/13 04:07 PM
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I've been to the Verdun area, the rows and rows, actually miles and miles of crosses. So many battles all over the place there, the enormity of it. It was an honor to go there for me..

Your e is stuck? Once my keys were doing that, I had the brillant idea to remove them all and clean the keyboard..and you know, I had to get a picture of a keyboard to put them all back..

Typos make it seems more real anyway, sometimes there are words that spellcheck has no idea, it is homey..typos are that homey feel to a post. smile

Thank you Mir and 20, I don't want to hog this thread though.

I was talking to someone last night, and I have no idea why I have been afraid to file, it has been me for so many years doing the bills and kids and so many things, it isn't like I can't maintain myself with activity swirling around me. It might be kind of nice to not have a loose board out there and I never know when it will land, wh is the board. Honestly, it will be strange not to have this hope I can get a chance to fix my marriage on my mind, what the hell will I do with my time?! That is a statement to myself as what the hell have I been doing here, really what the hell. I just now see how much time has passed? Now? Well, better late than never.

I have noticed in this, I have been so focused on trying to be able to even think about mending, to even be given the chance, and to refocus. It has been a big part of my thoughts.

eh, should I want this person who did this? If a stranger told me this happened I would be thinking, holy shinola. And yet, here I am like or have been in denial on a lilly pad, like a frog, there I was sitting there, lava all around my pad, thinking, I can fix this.

When, really, just get the hell out of it, is a litle bit better idea.

The frog thought is a little weird, thinking outside the situation a bit. lol

You all are really so amazing.

Last edited by Tinkerbell; 03/16/13 04:12 PM.
Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: for to fade] #286529
03/17/13 08:51 PM
03/17/13 08:51 PM
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My pastor used to always say that when you find something you love to do, opportunities will come up to fulfill your purpose right where you are.

Our local elementary school has been doing fundraisers to buy more computers and iPads. One of the father's is a car mechanic and his hobby is going to car shows. He volunteered to have a car show on the school playground. It was a huge hit. Only 50 cars were pre-registered, and over 300 showed up, so many that we had to turn people away. There was a $10. charge for entering, but the show was free. However they sold raffle tickets, food, and had booths and ended up making over $30,000 in one day. Besides the money, everyone in Oceanside showed up, and thoroughly enjoyed it.



"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Topic 8a: "Awakening of Purpose" - Putting Meaning into Life [Re: believer] #288365
03/28/13 09:26 PM
03/28/13 09:26 PM
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Marta I want to read that book, it sounds interesting. Tink, oddly enough, I have found more purpose and happiness helping others. I found being a nurse very meaningful, I find being a mother very meaningful and when my children have grown I plan on volunteering my time to help others, that and having fun.

My personal answer is that everyone's purpose in this world is to bring in more positive than negative. JMHO.


Me 41
H 40
S 9
S 6

I want to live in a world where George Zimmerman offered Trayvon Martin a ride home to get him out of the rain that night. -Bishop G. Brewer
How to discover your purpose in less than 5 seconds [Re: Mary Emma] #289883
04/07/13 06:43 PM
04/07/13 06:43 PM
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"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: How to discover your purpose in less than 5 seconds [Re: believer] #289967
04/08/13 12:32 PM
04/08/13 12:32 PM
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Believer,

I'm not sure I understood that video at all. The highest version of myself???? As in what would Jesus do? What would Jesus do in this moment?? Well, he wandered around preaching the good news. He healed people. I can't do that. I'm not sure I understood how that video was supposed to help...

Re: How to discover your purpose in less than 5 seconds [Re: Marta] #290105
04/08/13 07:13 PM
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Glad I was not the only one that did not figure out my purpose in the alloted 5 seconds.

Maybe there are more segments that we need to watch.

Re: How to discover your purpose in less than 5 seconds [Re: Rich57] #290312
04/09/13 03:37 PM
04/09/13 03:37 PM
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Northwest Washington State, US...
AlTurtle Offline OP
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I finally watched it. Sounds pretty accurate, if a bit way too abstract.


Principles are simple. Applying them is a tough U-Do-It project. Go 4 it!
Al Turtle
Re: How to discover your purpose in less than 5 seconds [Re: AlTurtle] #290331
04/09/13 04:12 PM
04/09/13 04:12 PM
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I really enjoyed the video. My take-away was that I could find my Purpose in just doing a great job at whatever my chosen vocation was. This was a big relief, because whenever I had one of those "I can't do anything right" days I felt like my vocation wasn't a high enough calling or whatever. So it's okay if I'm resetting passwords today as long as I'm doing my personal best at it wink


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: How to discover your purpose in less than 5 seconds [Re: NewEveryDay] #290339
04/09/13 04:25 PM
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That's what I thought, NED. And he talks about making steps forward, and how it gets easier. My pastor used to compare living your purpose to a dimmer switch, the more you practiced it the brighter it bacame.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: How to discover your purpose in less than 5 seconds [Re: believer] #293930
04/27/13 06:52 PM
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8 Mistakes that Hold You Back from the Life You Want

My great passion is showing people how surprisingly easy it can be to create a fulfilling life they deeply love. You dont necessarily have to make radical, risky changes to have a much richer, joyful experience of life, but you do have to take the steps that move you forward into new ways of doing things.
Whether your life needs some minor tweaks or you long to take huge leaps, here are some of the most common habits, beliefs and attitudes that can block you from experiencing the positive change you long for:

1) Waiting for the perfect time

According to Jonathan Fields, author of Uncertainty, you kill the dream when you kill the butterflies.

In an interview posted on the Amex Open Forum, Fields expands on this by saying:

If you kill the butterflies in your stomach, youll kill the dream. Most people back away when they get that nervous, uncomfortable feeling. But that feeling signals youre doing something that matters to you. Embrace the feeling. Lean into the discomfort. Try to understand what the feeling is telling you. Train yourself in the alchemy of fear.

Dont wait until youre not afraid anymore (that may never happen) or youve eliminated all risk (ditto). It will be way too late by then. Be brave, start small, just do something.

2) Assuming that you know how things will turn out

Many people dont get started on something new because theyre afraid they already know how things will likely turn out: badly. Probabilities and statistics aside, you have no way of knowing what will actually happen in your case. Ive observed time and again that life likes to reward our courage in truly amazing and surprising ways. If something is calling to you in your heart, you owe it to yourself to at least give it a try. Be optimistic and leave the results up to life.

3) Thinking things will never change

I can be such a Polyanna but really, its with good reason. I host a local Live a Life You Love Club for women (based on my book, Live a Life You Love), and it has been so satisfying to watch their lives change, even in just the three short months weve been meeting. Some were initially convinced that difficult circumstances that had been in their lives for years would forever block them from implementing real change. Yet as they took small steps to change what they could, the circumstances they had long seen as hopeless started to change as well. Ive seen this time and again with coaching clients. Commit to your dreams and mountains will move.

4) Listening to the negative voice inside

You are not special, that voice you hear inside that discourages you, belittles you, tells you youll fail, tells you to give up, tells you not to bother, is inside every single person. Some of us have just learned not to listen, or how to forge ahead anyway. When you step out of your comfort zone (or even just think about it), that voice will get louder. This is so predictable its almost boring. Dont let it stop you, it tries to stop everyone.

5) Worrying about money

Almost everyone worries about money. Wealthy people are often afraid of risk or change because theyre afraid they might lose what they have. The more financially challenged tell themselves theyll wait until they have enough or avoid risk because theyre also afraid of losing what little they have.

Im not saying you should put yourself or your family at significant financial risk, but dont let money fears stop you from doing what you long to do. Odds are you can find a creative way to make it happen on some level, or at least get started, no matter what your circumstances are.

6) Listening to dream-killers

Be very careful who you share your dreams and plans with, especially if your ideas are unconventional or involve significant change. Whenever you change your own status quo - or even contemplate it this brings up everyone elses stuff (a.k.a. fears). Many people will get a strange sort of satisfaction in telling you why something wont work, and will happily tell you about someone else who tried and failed spectacularly. Most worthwhile changes involve some sort of risk, and others will have failed trying. You could well be the one who succeeds. The only way to find out is to try.

7) Thinking youll have to do it all yourself

I will never tire of quoting the brilliant William H. Murray:

Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favour all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way.

Your responsibility is to prepare yourself as best you can, show up, and do what you can. Many times simply getting started will unleash a domino-like cascade of unexpected help and opening doors. If you have a big dream in your heart, life will help you achieve it once you get started. For a time it may even look like nothing is happening or all is lost. Plant the seeds you can and something good will eventually come out of your efforts. Even if its not quite the result you expected. As they say, God laughs at our plans. And usually has an even better plan.

8) Thinking that you need to be ready or perfect or the best

When I tell the story of how I became a professional dancer after finishing my medical education, I always make sure I point out that Im not actually that good a dancer. Sure, people will apparently pay me to perform, but Im far, far, far from the best. And I mean really far. Still, I knew in my heart that this was something I had to do and went for it. The results were extraordinary and completely out of proportion to what I deserved based on skills and experience. Just get started already, youll improve as you go. Starting when youre not quite ready is actually the best way to get better, fast.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/pres...e-life-you-want


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: How to discover your purpose in less than 5 seconds [Re: believer] #294095
04/29/13 03:29 PM
04/29/13 03:29 PM
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,424
midwest
Miranda Offline
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B,

This is REALLY good. It dovetails very nicely into what I'm reading at the moment about vulnerability. A very long time ago, a therapist I had said this "feel the fear and do it anyway" and that really DID work for me...but I felt like that was to accomplish big things only. Silly me, it's to accomplish ANYTHING.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: How to discover your purpose in less than 5 seconds [Re: believer] #401111
12/09/15 09:27 PM
12/09/15 09:27 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 3,611
wiser_now Offline
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Originally Posted By: believer
8 Mistakes that Hold You Back from the Life You Want

My great passion is showing people how surprisingly easy it can be to create a fulfilling life they deeply love. You dont necessarily have to make radical, risky changes to have a much richer, joyful experience of life, but you do have to take the steps that move you forward into new ways of doing things.
Whether your life needs some minor tweaks or you long to take huge leaps, here are some of the most common habits, beliefs and attitudes that can block you from experiencing the positive change you long for:

1) Waiting for the perfect time

According to Jonathan Fields, author of Uncertainty, you kill the dream when you kill the butterflies.

In an interview posted on the Amex Open Forum, Fields expands on this by saying:

If you kill the butterflies in your stomach, youll kill the dream. Most people back away when they get that nervous, uncomfortable feeling. But that feeling signals youre doing something that matters to you. Embrace the feeling. Lean into the discomfort. Try to understand what the feeling is telling you. Train yourself in the alchemy of fear.

Dont wait until youre not afraid anymore (that may never happen) or youve eliminated all risk (ditto). It will be way too late by then. Be brave, start small, just do something.

2) Assuming that you know how things will turn out

Many people dont get started on something new because theyre afraid they already know how things will likely turn out: badly. Probabilities and statistics aside, you have no way of knowing what will actually happen in your case. Ive observed time and again that life likes to reward our courage in truly amazing and surprising ways. If something is calling to you in your heart, you owe it to yourself to at least give it a try. Be optimistic and leave the results up to life.

3) Thinking things will never change

I can be such a Polyanna but really, its with good reason. I host a local Live a Life You Love Club for women (based on my book, Live a Life You Love), and it has been so satisfying to watch their lives change, even in just the three short months weve been meeting. Some were initially convinced that difficult circumstances that had been in their lives for years would forever block them from implementing real change. Yet as they took small steps to change what they could, the circumstances they had long seen as hopeless started to change as well. Ive seen this time and again with coaching clients. Commit to your dreams and mountains will move.

4) Listening to the negative voice inside

You are not special, that voice you hear inside that discourages you, belittles you, tells you youll fail, tells you to give up, tells you not to bother, is inside every single person. Some of us have just learned not to listen, or how to forge ahead anyway. When you step out of your comfort zone (or even just think about it), that voice will get louder. This is so predictable its almost boring. Dont let it stop you, it tries to stop everyone.

5) Worrying about money

Almost everyone worries about money. Wealthy people are often afraid of risk or change because theyre afraid they might lose what they have. The more financially challenged tell themselves theyll wait until they have enough or avoid risk because theyre also afraid of losing what little they have.

Im not saying you should put yourself or your family at significant financial risk, but dont let money fears stop you from doing what you long to do. Odds are you can find a creative way to make it happen on some level, or at least get started, no matter what your circumstances are.

6) Listening to dream-killers

Be very careful who you share your dreams and plans with, especially if your ideas are unconventional or involve significant change. Whenever you change your own status quo - or even contemplate it this brings up everyone elses stuff (a.k.a. fears). Many people will get a strange sort of satisfaction in telling you why something wont work, and will happily tell you about someone else who tried and failed spectacularly. Most worthwhile changes involve some sort of risk, and others will have failed trying. You could well be the one who succeeds. The only way to find out is to try.

7) Thinking youll have to do it all yourself

I will never tire of quoting the brilliant William H. Murray:

Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favour all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way.

Your responsibility is to prepare yourself as best you can, show up, and do what you can. Many times simply getting started will unleash a domino-like cascade of unexpected help and opening doors. If you have a big dream in your heart, life will help you achieve it once you get started. For a time it may even look like nothing is happening or all is lost. Plant the seeds you can and something good will eventually come out of your efforts. Even if its not quite the result you expected. As they say, God laughs at our plans. And usually has an even better plan.

8) Thinking that you need to be ready or perfect or the best

When I tell the story of how I became a professional dancer after finishing my medical education, I always make sure I point out that Im not actually that good a dancer. Sure, people will apparently pay me to perform, but Im far, far, far from the best. And I mean really far. Still, I knew in my heart that this was something I had to do and went for it. The results were extraordinary and completely out of proportion to what I deserved based on skills and experience. Just get started already, youll improve as you go. Starting when youre not quite ready is actually the best way to get better, fast.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/pres...e-life-you-want


I love this.

Al,

I just wanted to tell you that your work is still something I go back to time and time again. I know things around this part of the woods (the Whiteboard) is a little slow... but that doesn't mean you're forgotten.

Thank you for everything you've done here... it is a treasure trove!


A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short. --Andre Maurois

Re: How to discover your purpose in less than 5 seconds [Re: wiser_now] #401131
12/09/15 10:06 PM
12/09/15 10:06 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 908
Northwest Washington State, US...
AlTurtle Offline OP
Retired Therapist
AlTurtle  Offline OP
Retired Therapist
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 908
Northwest Washington State, US...
Good to see you wiser_now. I'm still here. I'm very glad to have met all the MA people and to have contributed. And Merry Christmas (all other cultures translate my words while keeping my meaning, please.)!


Principles are simple. Applying them is a tough U-Do-It project. Go 4 it!
Al Turtle
Re: How to discover your purpose in less than 5 seconds [Re: AlTurtle] #401137
12/09/15 10:28 PM
12/09/15 10:28 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 3,611
wiser_now Offline
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Merry Christmas!


A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short. --Andre Maurois

Re: How to discover your purpose in less than 5 seconds [Re: AlTurtle] #401210
12/10/15 09:53 PM
12/10/15 09:53 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,285
PEEKSKILL NY
Rich57 Offline
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Rich57  Offline
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PEEKSKILL NY
Originally Posted By: AlTurtle
I'm still here.

This is a good thing!
And we are glad to have you.

I am sure I can speak for all of MA saying we are all better off for your presence.

And that also is a good Christmas present!

Thanks as always for your words Al,
hope you have a great holiday.

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