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BR: "Boundaries in Marriage" by Dr. Cloud & Dr. Townsend #2917
09/14/10 01:34 AM
09/14/10 01:34 AM
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Not2fun Offline OP
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This is a MUST read by everyone, especially for the perpetual "giver" or one who has trouble saying "No". In this book, one will learn WHAT a Boundary is, applying Boundaries in your marriage and for your marriage, and how to set Boundaries for yourself (there are other books in this series including "Boundaries" both in English and Spanish, "Boundaries in Dating," and "Boundaries with Teenagers", which I have just picked up to read....).

This book, second only to "Surviving An Affair", was a lifeline for me during Mr. Not's affair. I had poor boundaries in how *I* allowed others to rule and run my life, including Mr. Not, FOO, and others. Once I learned to identify my values and to put a VALUE and cherish them, only then was I able to give myself the freedom to defend those boundaries. One also learns to resolve conflict in marriage WITHOUT sacrificing their boundaries. That, my friends, is priceless!!!!

Not2fun


" If you couldn't change your partner when you were together, you sure aren't going to now that you aren't together..." Words of the teacher of the court mandated parenting class...and the ONE thing that stuck out to me!!!
Re: BR: "Boundaries in Marriage" by Dr. Cloud & Dr. Townsend [Re: Not2fun] #2940
09/14/10 02:40 AM
09/14/10 02:40 AM
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Hi Not

This is a great book but I have always recommended their original book, "Boundaries" as my favorite. smile


JD
Re: BR: "Boundaries in Marriage" by Dr. Cloud & Dr. Townsend [Re: Not2fun] #2979
09/14/10 03:54 AM
09/14/10 03:54 AM
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The most profound sentence I read in the original "Boundaries" book was to tell someone "NO". If they love you they will respect that response.


Consider that we don't have to live with the consequences of our advice in your life. Act according to what you can live with!
Re: BR: "Boundaries in Marriage" by Dr. Cloud & Dr. Townsend [Re: JoysDaddy] #3431
09/14/10 10:49 PM
09/14/10 10:49 PM
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Originally Posted by JoysDaddy
Hi Not

This is a great book but I have always recommended their original book, "Boundaries" as my favorite. smile


Hello tst,

I admit to not reading that one. It wasn't the one recommended to me, though I have no doubt it is good as well. I read "Boundaries in Marriage" during Mr. Not's affair. In fact, I pulled it out last night when I wrote this thread and it was interesting to see my notes and questions I had written down back then. During that whole ordeal, approximate. 6 months, I read SAA, HNHN, LB, Boundaries, "Dance of Anger", "Praying Through the Rougher Times in Marriage", "Love Must Be Tough", and "Love and Respect", and "After the Affair". Whew.....it was quite a list. I didn't read another book (literally.....) until this summer, self-help, marriage related, non-fiction or fiction. I was plain READ-OUT.

And that's saying a lot, because I LOVE to read. I'm only now, getting back to it.

So, my question to you, or anyone else, is there anything different in "Boundaries" then in "Boundaries/Marriage" that would help me or others? I ask, because, like I said this book was a HUGE help to me on a personal level. I would hate to think I am missing something more......

Not2fun


" If you couldn't change your partner when you were together, you sure aren't going to now that you aren't together..." Words of the teacher of the court mandated parenting class...and the ONE thing that stuck out to me!!!
Re: BR: "Boundaries in Marriage" by Dr. Cloud & Dr. Townsend [Re: Not2fun] #3443
09/14/10 11:10 PM
09/14/10 11:10 PM
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Amadahy Offline
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mark - is this the book you keep telling me to get?

Re: BR: "Boundaries in Marriage" by Dr. Cloud & Dr. Townsend [Re: Amadahy] #3449
09/14/10 11:21 PM
09/14/10 11:21 PM
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Originally Posted by SisteReed
mark - is this the book you keep telling me to get?


I'm not sure if it is or isn't SW (welcome, BTW......I have kept up with you "elsewhere"....), but I CAN tell you that you definitely need to read it. Especially with the situation you deal with concerning H.

It will help you gain (I didn't say regain for a reason.....IMO I'm not sure you ever had it......{{{{SR}}}}) your own self confidence and footing......

Not

Ps....and check out the GODDESS blog while you are at it...... grin


" If you couldn't change your partner when you were together, you sure aren't going to now that you aren't together..." Words of the teacher of the court mandated parenting class...and the ONE thing that stuck out to me!!!
Re: BR: "Boundaries in Marriage" by Dr. Cloud & Dr. Townsend [Re: Not2fun] #3456
09/14/10 11:32 PM
09/14/10 11:32 PM
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Not,

I think that Boundaries is the over all idea that T&C were trying to get across to the masses. Boundaries in Marriage applies those ideas to the relationship and in house family.

The word boundaries is so often tossed out in situations where a person is complaining about someone else as the solution to the problem at hand, yet what most people take that to mean is that by establishing a boundary, we are somehow going to make the person we are dealing with act a different way toward us and that is simply not what the idea means.

It is often suggested that the way a person ends up having an affair is by having poor or missing boundaries. This is so true that what it means is typically not addressed as most agree with it even without knowing what the whole idea of boundaries is about.

In a really great marriage in which we take each other's needs, desires and feelings into account, there really isn't a need for boundaries as they relate to each other. Now since none of us live in a perfect world or have a perfect life, boundaries can become a way to protect each other, if we understand that our own boundaries define US and not someone else. They state what WE will and will not do and what we will and will not allow to be done to us.

But a marriage needs boundaries in order to survive, not to protect us as individuals but to protect the relationship. Our individual boundaries can help accomplish this by preventing us from stepping over the boundary that defines us and encroaching on someone else, specifically our spouse.

But it is our own boundaries that can also protect the marriage from outside threats as well, once we realize that the boundaries have to be around the marriage and not walls built up between us. I have likened it to a garden which is marked not by high walls and a sturdy roof or covering, but delineated by a hedge, which defines what is within and what is without but without preventing the free flow of air, water, sunlight and other things vital to the health of the garden.

When proper boundaries are in place, for each of us as they relate to the marriage and together to define the relationship as it exists to the outside world we can defend the relationship from any threat that might encroach into the relationship and cause it harm.

These are the boundaries that must be in place to prevent an affair and one of those boundaries needs to be to be totally honest with each other. This not only applies to withholding information or misleading each other regarding what we do but also how we feel about things that come along. If we pretend that all is well when in fact we are really suffering because of something our spouse has done, this is exhibiting poor boundaries.

The original book applies the idea of boundaries to other relationships as well. It addresses how to say no to those who make ever increasing demands on our time and energy and talks about how to set boundaries to protect ourselves and the family from actions of those who might be doing harm by their actions. It speaks of setting clear boundaries for our children so that they can learn to take responsibility for their own actions and how to disengage from someone who always seems to be taking more and more, overstepping their bounds.

The book was invaluable to us as we learned to deal with a daughter who is bipolar and tends to do really stupid stuff when in a manic phase. As much as we wished to protect her from her own idiotic acts, we learned very quickly that only by allowing her to experience the consequences of her own choices could she see the need to establish her own boundaries rather than relying on Mom and Dad to save her from herself. These were hard lessons to learn to be sure, for her and for us.

Mark


mark1952.ma@gmail.com

I Was Thinking...

The secret to having a good marriage is to understand that marriage must be total, it must be permanent, and it must be equal.-- Frank Pittman
Re: BR: "Boundaries in Marriage" by Dr. Cloud & Dr. Townsend [Re: Mark1952] #3463
09/14/10 11:35 PM
09/14/10 11:35 PM
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Sis,

I simply suggested the original Boundaries, but Boundaries in Marriage might help you as well.

Just get one of them and read...PLEASE....

Mark


mark1952.ma@gmail.com

I Was Thinking...

The secret to having a good marriage is to understand that marriage must be total, it must be permanent, and it must be equal.-- Frank Pittman
Re: BR: "Boundaries in Marriage" by Dr. Cloud & Dr. Townsend [Re: Mark1952] #3467
09/14/10 11:39 PM
09/14/10 11:39 PM
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I've read both. They are very good and I think there was equal value for me in both of them.

I think of a boundary as a fence around ME (thanks to LA who helped me with that visual). So I get to decide where that boundary is: how far, how high, made of what material, etc. It is more about controlling what I can control...inside my boundary...than controlling others.

Re: BR: "Boundaries in Marriage" by Dr. Cloud & Dr. Townsend [Re: OurHouse] #3471
09/14/10 11:45 PM
09/14/10 11:45 PM
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I love this book...and have recommended it for years.

They have a series of them now...Boundaries for Children, too.

So get the book.

Get the book.

You won't be sorry.

grin

LA


The Paradoxical Commandments

Married 28 years/Together 30
Recovered 10 years
MALovingAnyway@gmail.com
Re: BR: "Boundaries in Marriage" by Dr. Cloud & Dr. Townsend [Re: LovingAnyway] #3476
09/15/10 12:01 AM
09/15/10 12:01 AM
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Mark1952 Offline
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Sis,

Did any of us mention to you that you should...

Get the book!


mark1952.ma@gmail.com

I Was Thinking...

The secret to having a good marriage is to understand that marriage must be total, it must be permanent, and it must be equal.-- Frank Pittman
Re: BR: "Boundaries in Marriage" by Dr. Cloud & Dr. Townsend [Re: Mark1952] #3495
09/15/10 12:35 AM
09/15/10 12:35 AM
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sooo ummm you all think i should get the book?

Re: BR: "Boundaries in Marriage" by Dr. Cloud & Dr. Townsend [Re: Amadahy] #3533
09/15/10 02:13 AM
09/15/10 02:13 AM
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Mark1952 Offline
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[Linked Image]


mark1952.ma@gmail.com

I Was Thinking...

The secret to having a good marriage is to understand that marriage must be total, it must be permanent, and it must be equal.-- Frank Pittman
Re: BR: "Boundaries in Marriage" by Dr. Cloud & Dr. Townsend [Re: Mark1952] #3546
09/15/10 02:53 AM
09/15/10 02:53 AM
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Or I will send it to you. Boundaries and Boundaries in Marriage are both EXCELLENT books.

Re: BR: "Boundaries in Marriage" by Dr. Cloud & Dr. Townsend [Re: Mark1952] #3677
09/15/10 04:57 PM
09/15/10 04:57 PM
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Amadahy Offline
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scratch i guess that means yes...:D

Re: BR: "Boundaries in Marriage" by Dr. Cloud & Dr. Townsend [Re: Amadahy] #3830
09/15/10 10:19 PM
09/15/10 10:19 PM
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Not2fun Offline OP
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Thank you for that "book" Mark and the clarification. While, I didn't read the original, I guess I got enough to incorporate what I learned into other areas and relationships in my life besides my marriage.

How is your daughter doing today, btw?

Not


" If you couldn't change your partner when you were together, you sure aren't going to now that you aren't together..." Words of the teacher of the court mandated parenting class...and the ONE thing that stuck out to me!!!
Re: BR: "Boundaries in Marriage" by Dr. Cloud & Dr. Townsend [Re: LovingAnyway] #4008
09/16/10 07:57 AM
09/16/10 07:57 AM
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I recommend the book(s). The original book, Boundaries, was a real eye-opener for me.

Now, it is written from a Christian perspective, but I still recommend it even to non-Christians. The underlying message doesn't change because of religion.


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: BR: "Boundaries in Marriage" by Dr. Cloud & Dr. Townsend [Re: AntigoneRisen] #4093
09/16/10 04:37 PM
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Yes, it is from a Christian perspective, mainly from scripture about bearing another's burdens.

But the material is so good that non Christians can just skip over those parts, because the basic ideas work for everyone.


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