|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
Re: I'm learning to talk
[Re: believer]
#294122
04/29/13 04:11 PM
04/29/13 04:11 PM
|
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,500
catperson
OP
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,500
|
It wouldn't be so hard if all his stuff wasn't so unique. Like he has parts to electronic equipment from 30 years ago; I don't know if it belongs to something we have, if he'll use it for something else, if it's worth a lot of money...and he won't TELL me! We probably have, if you were able to box it (some of it's as big as a twin bed), 300 boxes of stuff like this. That I have no idea what to do with. He pulled some things out of the trash that I had put there at the garage sale. Ok, but at least tell me what it's for, when it's going to be used...
So it's not like I can't organize; it's that there is so MUCH of it that I can't even literally move it around. So I AM stuck on waiting for him.
A couple times over the years, my mom offered to rent one of those junk removal things to be delivered; he would have none of it. I had to literally fight with him just to get him to agree to me shredding most of our taxes for the last 30 years (except the 7 most recent), and I'm talking 2 or 3 shoeboxes of receipts for each year.
I moved into the attic 7 or 8 boxes of t-shirts and jackets from his old company that he was supposed to give away to customers but never did, but he won't get rid of them. And half of it has the name of a part of the company that's not even in business any more.
He tried selling goji berry juice about 4 or 5 years ago; we still have two big boxes of it in the washroom up on the shelf; I told him I wanted to throw it away; he said why; I said because it can't be any good any more. Can we? He ignored me.
That's the kind of stuff I'm dealing with.
|
|
| |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
Re: I'm learning to talk
[Re: believer]
#294123
04/29/13 04:11 PM
04/29/13 04:11 PM
|
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,444
midwest
Miranda
Global Moderator
|
Global Moderator
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,444
midwest
|
B, that's the truth! In addition to the three boxes of stuff that went to goodwill last week, on Saturday we took SIX 33 gallon trash can liners full of old sheets, towels, and blankets to the local humane society. DH didn't even paw through it. He trusted my judgment and he barely even grumbled. He just said "load it up and let's get it over there"
I was THRILLED. That's 3 big dresser drawers, one huge shelf in my utility room and a cabinet in the guest bath...all empty!!
Next, it's clothes...
When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Re: I'm learning to talk
[Re: catperson]
#294124
04/29/13 04:14 PM
04/29/13 04:14 PM
|
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,444
midwest
Miranda
Global Moderator
|
Global Moderator
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,444
midwest
|
It wouldn't be so hard if all his stuff wasn't so unique. Like he has parts to electronic equipment from 30 years ago; I don't know if it belongs to something we have, if he'll use it for something else, if it's worth a lot of money...and he won't TELL me! We probably have, if you were able to box it (some of it's as big as a twin bed), 300 boxes of stuff like this. That I have no idea what to do with. He pulled some things out of the trash that I had put there at the garage sale. Ok, but at least tell me what it's for, when it's going to be used...
So it's not like I can't organize; it's that there is so MUCH of it that I can't even literally move it around. So I AM stuck on waiting for him.
Exactly the same thing as at my house. I'm hoping that his willingness to assist me with the stuff I CAN purge will motivate him to do some of his own, but I am not pushing him, yet. I know how frustrated you must be, Cat...
When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Re: I'm learning to talk
[Re: catperson]
#294130
04/29/13 04:31 PM
04/29/13 04:31 PM
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,821
flowmom
Member
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,821
|
Cat, I've only poked my head in here and there so forgive me if I don't have the whole picture. I feel for you living with all that stuff. I have decluttering to do too. One thing that really helped me in the past was to completely declutter my priority rooms and put all the stuff in a single room. It meant losing a bedroom but it was worth it to enjoy the rest of the home. If I had a garage I would put the stuff in there. It's not a long-term solution but it was so encouraging to enjoy the peace and space in the rooms where I spent the most time. The psychology of the process is very, very important IMHO. Pick the room you use the most, remove everything, and only put back what is useful and beautiful. I would announce your plan to do this but not seek agreement. IMHO it's too demoralizing to peck away at an entire house without seeing any short term results. A dramatic illustration of how much better things feel would be very encouraging for both of you. How to Go Hard Core With a Clean Slate Room Declutter
Give yourself adequate time. This is not a project you’ll want to complete half way or you may never get back to finishing it. I would give the process of unloading and reloading a room an entire day just to be safe. The level of clutter will determine a lot.
Decide where the room contents will go during the process. You may want to pick a spot out of the way for any boxes or piles of clothes to go until you have a chance to prioritize them.
Do the big pieces of furniture first. Remove all the furniture pieces first. Then work your way down to the smaller items. I’m assuming you won’t be moving to a new location like we did so keeping the items sorted will help with reloading the room.
Give your room a quick clean. Go ahead and run the vacuum and attack those neglected baseboards. You’ll be glad you did and maybe even a little embarrassed by the mess you’ve been overlooking.
Evaluate your space with new eyes. Now that your room is totally empty, decide if you’d like to put the items in different places or maybe not replace them at all. You’ve got your clean slate so take full advantage of it.
Only put back the essentials. Start by putting back less than you think you need. Yes, the bed gets to come back. But after that, decide if you really like what you have. If new dressers or a built in closet system would help minimize clutter in your bedroom, maybe you should sell some of your old furniture.
Be extra discerning with what you bring back in. If you can stand it, leave the rest of your belongings in a different room and go to that area to declutter your stuff. Donate old clothes, sell your books, and remove whatever else you can before you start bringing things back in. Once it’s back in your room, it will be easy to overlook in the future. This is the best book that I've read about the emotional side of clutter and the blocks to progress: http://www.amazon.com/Clutter-Busting-Le...4979&sr=1-1I cannot recommend it enough for ordinary clutterers like me, but also people who are having more serious issues like your husband. Your ultimatums and lists are totally legitimate, but it doesn't look like he "gets it". Good luck with this.
we: me44 + my husband Pookie :9: + S9 + D6
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Re: I'm learning to talk
[Re: catperson]
#294135
04/29/13 04:49 PM
04/29/13 04:49 PM
|
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 107
Martes
Member
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 107
|
It wouldn't be so hard if all his stuff wasn't so unique. Like he has parts to electronic equipment from 30 years ago; I don't know if it belongs to something we have, if he'll use it for something else, if it's worth a lot of money...and he won't TELL me! We probably have, if you were able to box it (some of it's as big as a twin bed), 300 boxes of stuff like this. That I have no idea what to do with. He pulled some things out of the trash that I had put there at the garage sale. Ok, but at least tell me what it's for, when it's going to be used...
So it's not like I can't organize; it's that there is so MUCH of it that I can't even literally move it around. So I AM stuck on waiting for him.
A couple times over the years, my mom offered to rent one of those junk removal things to be delivered; he would have none of it. I had to literally fight with him just to get him to agree to me shredding most of our taxes for the last 30 years (except the 7 most recent), and I'm talking 2 or 3 shoeboxes of receipts for each year.
I moved into the attic 7 or 8 boxes of t-shirts and jackets from his old company that he was supposed to give away to customers but never did, but he won't get rid of them. And half of it has the name of a part of the company that's not even in business any more.
He tried selling goji berry juice about 4 or 5 years ago; we still have two big boxes of it in the washroom up on the shelf; I told him I wanted to throw it away; he said why; I said because it can't be any good any more. Can we? He ignored me.
That's the kind of stuff I'm dealing with. Oh my Cat....I'm going to come right on out and say it. Not sure if you've discussed this on your thread previously, but from what you've posted, your husband is a flat-out hoarder. Sometimes it co-exists with other compulsive-type disorders, but not always. There is NO WAY that the amount of stuff you are describing is anywhere near normal. 300 boxes??? Decades old stuff? And his reaction is typical of hoarders. I might have use for it someday. I need to go through it before you throw anything out. It's valuable, so don't throw it away - I plan to sell it. Right down to taking things out of the garbage. You get the picture. We talked previously about his high levels of anxiety - hoarding is often described as an anxiety disorder. The paralysis when faced with getting rid of stuff is typical, and similar to his paralysis when faced with other stressors. The devastating, deprived childhood of his that you describe, plus the stress of life is the perfect storm for this kind of behavior. The stuff is a security blanket to him. Please, please bring it up to the counselor, even in a session without your husband. I know you don't need anything else on your plate, but look at it this way. It would explain your complete spinning wheels on getting your home sorted/cleaned out, and his complete refusal to help. I don't think you're going to get far without him getting help for this. I don't know - maybe I've watched too many episodes of Hoarders. But this is not normal, and if he is a hoarder, you are swimming against the tide. I with Greengables were here - she had experience with this. Hugs {{{{{Cat}}}}}} Martes
Happily married 11 years, but open to 'magnification'  DS 8, DS 5
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Re: I'm learning to talk
[Re: believer]
#294280
04/29/13 09:40 PM
04/29/13 09:40 PM
|
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,500
catperson
OP
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 20,500
|
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Re: I'm learning to talk
[Re: catperson]
#294305
04/30/13 01:20 AM
04/30/13 01:20 AM
|
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 107
Martes
Member
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 107
|
Can I just brag and say my 80-pound puppy likes to play soccer? If she has one toy in her mouth, she'll find a ball and bat it around the room with the other toy still in her mouth. She's so cute! That's too sweet. We need things like that in our lives to keep us going, don't we? On the bright side Cat, think about it this way. You've been trying to help your husband deal with the individual issues, like the accumulated junk, and the job problems etc. If, as is possible, the underlying thread that ties all this together is an anxiety disorder, there is real hope for change. Getting a handle on the anxiety may allow progress in ALL of the areas affected by it. I hope your MC is able to get him to begin confronting the issue, and perhaps refer him to a counselor experienced in these matters. I hope he will try, for both his happiness and yours. He cannot be happy, living as he has been. Martes Edited to add.....the potential hoarding is important, but if it is the manifestation of anxiety (combined with a childhood of poverty and deprivation), it's not enough to just work with an organizer/home cleaner/declutter specialist etc. The anxiety may be the issue, and the hoarding a symptom. And I say this because of the issues with work that show a similar pattern. Again, maybe I've watched too many episodes of Hoarders...
Last edited by Martes; 04/30/13 01:26 AM.
Happily married 11 years, but open to 'magnification' DS 8, DS 5
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
