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***GROWING your Marriage from Good to GREAT!!!*** #30643
12/01/10 03:01 PM
12/01/10 03:01 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,535
Ace Offline OP
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Ace  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,535
When we have our own MA recovery forum, here are some ideas for threads to help posters in the state of being recovered (or in recovery) ~ but feeling stagnant or status quo ~ to blasting beyond...steadily moving from 'good to GREAT'!

* "Ideas to Enhance Your Intimacy (including sex)!"

* "Igniting the Fire in your Romance!"

* "Why and How to Add Adventure to your Marriage!"

* "What do We want to be When We Grow Up? (and Other Retirement Thoughts)"

* "Getting the Most FUN from your FUNDS! (Financial Literacy concepts to Fund your Future)"

* "Sports, Competition and Recreation; Playing WITH (not against) your Spouse" (already under construction)

* "How to keep the Grand in GRANDparenting while Growing your M from Good to GREAT!"

* "How to Agreeably Disagree... (and other communication skills)"

I don't have all the answers...but I have lots of questions for those on the recovery road. It will be fun to explore these together.

All ideas are welcome. What are your thoughts on the above or other future thread titles to help us blast beyond recovery?

Thanks,
Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: ***GROWING your Marriage from Good to GREAT!!!*** [Re: Ace] #30736
12/01/10 05:04 PM
12/01/10 05:04 PM
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Posts: 7,467
right here waiting Offline
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right here waiting  Offline
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This falls into a couple of your categories, Ace:

* "Why and How to Add Adventure to your Marriage!"

* "What do We want to be When We Grow Up? (and Other Retirement Thoughts)"

Moving into our 5th year of recovery, I feel confident saying we are "recovered." Once we worked out the big stuff, things started to settle in, and we were looking for something novel to do together, just us.

Since we are near retirement, DH wanted to buy a "retirement home" at the beach. Lifelong dream for him. He is very fiscally conservative, but I must be way right of him...the thought of taking on another mortgage made my blood run cold.

POJA time! I suggested we RENT a small home at the beach (2 hours away) and spend half of each week there (he can work anywhere there's an internet connection). That way, if he got laid off, we'd only be on the hook for the remaining months on the lease. Limited liability. We did that, had the most wonderful year--new environment, fun new experiences, and new people. It was a marital satisfaction shot in the arm. Wonderful memories, and a clearer picture of what we want our retirement to be.

The challenge for this coming year will be--what next? Hope others will share what they're doing to keep the excitement alive. Could use some more ideas!

Re: ***GROWING your Marriage from Good to GREAT!!!*** [Re: right here waiting] #31866
12/04/10 02:24 PM
12/04/10 02:24 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,535
Ace Offline OP
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Ace  Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: right here waiting
The challenge for this coming year will be--what next? Hope others will share what they're doing to keep the excitement alive. Could use some more ideas!


Thanks to TimeHeals for the following creative mental exercise that could produce ideas for our new topic Growing your Marriage from Good to GREAT!

Originally Posted By: TimeHeals
I agree that exercise and taking care of oneself is the key in most cases. I think the depression is a given considering the event being dealt with.

While I do endorse physical fitness and think it's part of good mental health, by excersises, I meant tasks that you can complete that change perspectives. But definitely rest, excercise and good nutrition are musts.

For example, if somebody had a strong past-negative bias, here's a good 30 day (or lifelong) excercise for them:

1. Every day for one month, list 10 things that you are grateful for in life (people, things, etc. Anything. One day, "dryer sheets... because they smell good, make my towels soft, and my dogs like playing with them after I am done using them" topped my list).

2. Every 2nd week, list three challenges that you have faced and then describe how these things made you a better, stronger or more appreciative person.

After a month, review the lists and compare them.


Maybe we could create a thread title like "Little Blessings Produce Large Benefits" or something like that.

I played similar mind games when I was desperate and, at times, suicidal.

I became thankful for the little home conveniences many take forgranted unless they've lived in or visited 3rd/4th/5th world countries....like:

* light switches and wall sockets that work (beyond candles)
* hot water that comes out of a faucet (beyond well dipping and fire heating)
* flush toilets (beyond bushes and outhouses)
* having a garage and a push-button garage door opener
* all kitchen appliances, but especially microwave and refrigerator

TH, your being grateful for "dryer sheets" reminds me of similar seemingly tiny things (we often take forgranted) that make life easier....like:

* resealable pull tab openings on cookies and bleach cleaner wipey packages.
* Zero water pitcher that removes ALL solids from tap water (and from my old Brita pitcher water).
* Gorilla tape, better than duct tape cuz it holds things even in the rain
* cell phone with voice mail and unlimited minutes
* computer (especially web access, email accounts & picture storage features)

So how can being thankful for tiny things help one's marriage grow from good to great?

For me, it creates a mindset that fosters gratitude for what I have and increases my enjoyment of my personal life, my marriage, my family and my overall mission in life. This provides the foundation for me to help launch the following:

* How to help us and others recognize things we/they have for which to be grateful.
* How to appreciate current conditions and why that's important in the pursuit of happiness.
* How to visualize what we want and where we want to go in our personal lives and marital relationships.
* How to accomplish those visions and goals for ourselves and others in the near and far future.

No, I don't have all the answers but TimeHeals posts inspires me to explore how being grateful for the little things will positively affect our relationships and marriages. There is a remote possibility that such awareness will reveal that many are better off than they realize. At the same time, it can also inspire many to be grateful for what and use that as a foundation to seek better lives for themselves and others.

Any other ideas? Please help us out by starting a list of tiny things for which you're grateful and gradually we'll explore these concepts to see how they can help us Grow our Marriages from Good to GREAT!

Thanks,
Ace

P.S. After giving permission to repost this here, TimeHeals mentioned other exercises to be "dug out." I'm looking forward to seeing these soon.



We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: ***GROWING your Marriage from Good to GREAT!!!*** [Re: Ace] #34842
12/13/10 03:55 AM
12/13/10 03:55 AM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 272
M
Marlowe Offline
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Marlowe  Offline
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Posts: 272
Originally Posted By: Ace
...starting a list of tiny things for which you're grateful and gradually we'll explore these concepts to see how they can help us Grow our Marriages from Good to GREAT!


Here's a small one that really kick-started some of our creative thinking:

I learned to be grateful for my hour-long commute to work.

For years, I did this drive by myself. It was a necessary annoyance. Over the last couple of years, initially to save on gas, my wife and I began commuting together. Once we learned to start shutting off the radio and planning ahead to fortify ourselves with our morning coffee to fend off the grouchies, it opened up a solid hour of one-on-one communication time where we weren't competing with the kids for attention.

It gives us a wonderful opportunity to talk about our jobs, the things we're worried about, the hopes and plans on our horizon. It's not date night, obviously, but it's become precious time for both of us where we can talk, hold hands and feel heard. It also gives us time to decompress and re-hash our days together in relative peace in the evenings.

Now that it's part of our routine, I find I actually want to drive slower and extend the commute so we can spend more time together.

Life is busy. It's amazing where we can find time to carve out periods of peace and bonding with our spouses if we start looking around and become willing to climb out of our routines.

Re: ***GROWING your Marriage from Good to GREAT!!!*** [Re: Marlowe] #70508
02/16/11 03:35 PM
02/16/11 03:35 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,535
Ace Offline OP
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Ace  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,535
Originally Posted By: Marlowe
Originally Posted By: Ace
...starting a list of tiny things for which you're grateful and gradually we'll explore these concepts to see how they can help us Grow our Marriages from Good to GREAT!


Here's a small one that really kick-started some of our creative thinking:

I learned to be grateful for my hour-long commute to work.

For years, I did this drive by myself. It was a necessary annoyance. Over the last couple of years, initially to save on gas, my wife and I began commuting together. Once we learned to start shutting off the radio and planning ahead to fortify ourselves with our morning coffee to fend off the grouchies, it opened up a solid hour of one-on-one communication time where we weren't competing with the kids for attention.

It gives us a wonderful opportunity to talk about our jobs, the things we're worried about, the hopes and plans on our horizon. It's not date night, obviously, but it's become precious time for both of us where we can talk, hold hands and feel heard. It also gives us time to decompress and re-hash our days together in relative peace in the evenings.

Now that it's part of our routine, I find I actually want to drive slower and extend the commute so we can spend more time together.

Life is busy. It's amazing where we can find time to carve out periods of peace and bonding with our spouses if we start looking around and become willing to climb out of our routines.


Not sure if you're still around, Marlowe, but thanks for that post.

A handful of posters have decided to begin building threads on the (((Magnify))) Marriages forum. We'd love to have your help.

Please let us know if you're available to help by posting on this thread. We may start by creating threads here in the Construction Zone and move them eventually to the (((MAgnify))) Marriages forum. As a reminder, that stands for Marriage Advocates Great New Ideas For Your Marriages.

Thanks,
Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: ***GROWING your Marriage from Good to GREAT!!!*** [Re: Ace] #306042
07/14/13 08:49 PM
07/14/13 08:49 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,535
Ace Offline OP
Advocate
Ace  Offline OP
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,535
Transferring from a Blog post: (It's an experiment)

When I read James Dobson's words, "We crave that which we can't attain, but we disrespect that which we can't escape," I realized that in our case, the latter part set the stage for the former part of that quote. I've never thought of that before.

An isthmus began developing to connect my island (decision to go on alone) to the mainland (intimacy with my soon-to-become-FWH) when respect was restored and I no longer wanted to escape.

How did respect begin to be restored?

In the wee early morning of D-Day #4, I gave my then-WH an ultimatum: If he could refrain from all love busters (we had been reading MB books) for the entire 10 days of our sports vacation, I would re-consider my plans to D. If he slipped, as long as he self-reported and apologized sincerely, it'd be OK. He only slipped once towards the end of the week when the pressure of the tournament was mounting but we were able to discuss it and both apologized for our parts.

We both saw and appreciated new aspects in our relationship and our respect for one another began to grow when we returned home. (It helped that his teammates also respected him by saying that because of his contribution, we maintained the World Championship title.)

That elderly friend has no idea that she played a role in our marriage but we make the effort to visit her every year we go (plus, we've won the title every year except 1 and that's debatable another time, another place).

By seeking OW for so long, H appeared to be someone who I might need to fight to attain and thus I began to crave him and our M more.

By my having a long conversation with the man sitting next to me our our cross-country flight, my H may have seen me in a similar light.

It never ceases to amaze me how we can think we know all this stuff but in reality, knowing more only reveals how much more we actually have to learn.

Edited to Add: Here is a link to my recovery thread Acey's Missing Pieces on the "Turning Point" forum. Recovery is a very long process, a marathon more than a sprint, but hopefully we'll keep moving forward.

Thanks for reading,
Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story

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