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Be the fly on the wall... #307342
07/22/13 12:17 AM
07/22/13 12:17 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 2,090
soolee Offline OP
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soolee  Offline OP
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Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 2,090
Not sure at all that this belongs here, but I wanted to post about something that I thought may be helpful to those considering marriage or contemplating how they might be able to learn things from...even strangers.

My husband and I have started to go out more...dinner and drinks...following the local bands.

Last night we went out to a bar/restaurant and while we waited for our order, we casually observed the couples around us. I mention this because you can learn a lot by "people watching." Otherwise, catching people out on dates. It's a harmless (additional) way to learn how to treat or not to treat your spouse. My observations:

Couple #1 was not married. They were in shape, attractive, dressed up to some degree, and very flirty with each other - they even kissed in the restaurant several times. She often touched the man, putting her hand alternately on his bicep, thigh, or back - smiling, giggling. He, in turn did somewhat of the same. She did a lot of leaning in and smiling/talking. He would smile in return, rub her back. Basically, they were often touching in some way, pretty much constantly. And they seemed fairly happy. The only exception was at one point, the gentleman pulled back to a degree, and it occurred to me that he was being suffocated with attention.

Couple #2 - Married what seemed like a long time. Couple was, by my guess, in their mid 50's with a full meal in front of them. There was no talking between them, no bodily contact. Husband gets up to walk around, talk to people and leaves the wife behind for quite some time, eating by herself for easily an hour. She was not happy. Her facial expression was flat, and I felt sorry for her. She was not unattractive, just emotionless and alone in a setting that was uncomfortable for her.

So...do you ever people watch? Not blatantly or as a means to criticize, but to learn a bit about how other couples live and then possibly learn something from it? I challenge you to do so. Examine your own feelings while watching them as well. For instance, couple #1 stirred up feelings of nostalgia. Couple #2 stirred up feelings of indignation. How could the couples that you observe, help you in your own relationship?

You can learn much by observation - not just what to do, but also what not to do.

Staring is obviously rude, so I naturally don't recommend doing that. lol

Last edited by soolee; 07/22/13 12:25 AM.

Me: 53
Him: 53
Together: 34 years
Married: 27 years

"Aspire to Inspire before you Expire" Author Unknown

Welcome to Marriage Advocates! Please click here to join the group: http://www.marriageadvocates.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php/ubb/newuser
Re: Be the fly on the wall... [Re: soolee] #307355
07/22/13 08:00 AM
07/22/13 08:00 AM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 5,409
for to fade Offline
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for to fade  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 5,409
Disturbing, both disturb me. As in the way both men treated the women, is this taught in some group for men?

1. sex object
2. ball and chains after 50
3. anytime young or old you are pressured, pull back, walk off

Interesting the younger man all for the touching etc but hey baby back off

A full on middle aged jerk is such a nice thing to see, full entitlement his excuse, that ball and chain over there


Last edited by Tinkerbell; 07/22/13 08:57 AM.
Re: Be the fly on the wall... [Re: for to fade] #307356
07/22/13 09:05 AM
07/22/13 09:05 AM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 5,409
for to fade Offline
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for to fade  Offline
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Posts: 5,409
I will try to reframe how repelled what you observed makes me feel.

It is sort of like a puppy that is all new and everyone wants to play with it and it is cute as can be and it is all new.

And as everyone is playing with the new puppy they forgot the mother dog there who had the puppy and she is ignored.

It doesn't mean she wasn't a cute puppy at one time.

Yes the younger couple was in shaped attractive etc etc, what does that have to do with anything?

I find it odd that the shape of the younger couple etc was mentioned and the older couple the meal was mentioned.

I would think they had many years being all cutsie and anyway the man sounds like an ass which I mentioned before.

Because a person has aged does not mean they are substandard.

And both men did not treat the women well. As the younger man pulling back, oh the poor thing, don't let the woman smother him, I am sure he would take no issue to sex though.

The whole thing is disturbing.

Re: Be the fly on the wall... [Re: for to fade] #307357
07/22/13 09:49 AM
07/22/13 09:49 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 2,090
soolee Offline OP
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soolee  Offline OP
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Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 2,090
The younger couple was physically closer to where we were at, so I could tell they were in shape. Their physical attraction to each other was quite apparent by how they were acting, regardless of the public setting. The thing about the older couple that stuck out to me was that she was eating a full meal all by herself. I could only see them from the waist up. But...anyway...stepping away from your date for that long, regardless of how old the relationship, I feel, is neglectful.

The younger female seemed much more interested in her date. She seemed more versed in what to do to get what she wanted. It seemed somewhat, I don't know...calculated. Interesting to observe human behaviors. Her right hand was on some part of him...bicep, thigh, back at any given time, pretty much. It seemed as though he liked it for a while and then realized he was being manipulated. She caught on, he pulled back, they went for a walk, and all was well again.

My own observation was that we tend to forget common courtesies in our relationships once we get comfortable in that relationship, and common courtesies...courtesies that you would normally show anyone else should also be extended to your long-term mate. We are not excused from that just because we "understand each other."

Last edited by soolee; 07/22/13 10:02 AM.

Me: 53
Him: 53
Together: 34 years
Married: 27 years

"Aspire to Inspire before you Expire" Author Unknown

Welcome to Marriage Advocates! Please click here to join the group: http://www.marriageadvocates.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php/ubb/newuser
Re: Be the fly on the wall... [Re: soolee] #307828
07/24/13 05:51 PM
07/24/13 05:51 PM
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 10,121
S
SmilingWife Offline
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SmilingWife  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 10,121
Originally Posted By: soolee
The younger couple was physically closer to where we were at, so I could tell they were in shape. Their physical attraction to each other was quite apparent by how they were acting, regardless of the public setting. The thing about the older couple that stuck out to me was that she was eating a full meal all by herself. I could only see them from the waist up. But...anyway...stepping away from your date for that long, regardless of how old the relationship, I feel, is neglectful.

The younger female seemed much more interested in her date. She seemed more versed in what to do to get what she wanted. It seemed somewhat, I don't know...calculated. Interesting to observe human behaviors. Her right hand was on some part of him...bicep, thigh, back at any given time, pretty much. It seemed as though he liked it for a while and then realized he was being manipulated. She caught on, he pulled back, they went for a walk, and all was well again.

My own observation was that we tend to forget common courtesies in our relationships once we get comfortable in that relationship, and common courtesies...courtesies that you would normally show anyone else should also be extended to your long-term mate. We are not excused from that just because we "understand each other."


This reminds me of Schoolbus' threads on touch.....very interesting stuff to me.

I am married not quite 3 years....dh and I are affectionate people...as in the kids are grossed out by us. wink. We still sit on the same side of the booth even when alone. I touch him a lot. He comments to me often that he loves my touch.

I don't want to stop it....I remember well how I pulled totally away from now xh...even as I remained polite I disconnected totally. Dh and I have issues but I want to keep the connection strong between us even after we've had words over something. Of course dh makes it fairly easy because he and I are committed and he is on the same page with me about most things. I disconnected from xh because I knew of no other way to keep my sanity.


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