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Articles and Memorable Posts Nomination Thread #34595
12/12/10 05:25 PM
12/12/10 05:25 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 4,010
star*fish Offline OP
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star*fish  Offline OP
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Have you noticed how much effort someone is making here at MA? Do you think someone would make a good ambassador or moderator? Did you read an outstanding post somewhere and want to nominate it for the memorable post area? Here's your chance to let someone know they've really made a difference.

Last edited by AntigoneRisen; 04/11/11 03:43 AM. Reason: Title change

"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: I really like this! [Re: star*fish] #34789
12/13/10 01:31 AM
12/13/10 01:31 AM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 5,409
for to fade Offline
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for to fade  Offline
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Posts: 5,409
Yes, so many of you are so wonderful, you are....

I have to say that Gladstone and his writings to me and the suggestion of reading Persuasion, really pulled me out of a downward spiral I was heading so far down not sure I would have ever stopped.

And now, could I possible be, Anne?

Thank you for all your kind words and support and suggesting a book as a diversion, which really made me stop and see the situation differently.
claps


tink

Last edited by tinkerbell; 12/13/10 01:32 AM.
Re: I really like this! [Re: ] #34790
12/13/10 01:34 AM
12/13/10 01:34 AM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 5,409
for to fade Offline
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for to fade  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 5,409
Another nomination, to Orchid who is a stellar sleuth of quick wit and reverse babble of insurmountable means.

Kudos

highfive

tink

Last edited by tinkerbell; 12/13/10 01:35 AM.
Re: I really like this! [Re: ] #34796
12/13/10 01:42 AM
12/13/10 01:42 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
B
believer Offline
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Posts: 20,616
Well, there are so many great people here, it would be hard to choose just one.

But I gotta say MEDC. He is a rock, a straight-shooter, someone who has your back. Mostly we disagree, but he doesn't sugarcoat anything. WYSIWYG.

Re: I really like this! [Re: believer] #34914
12/13/10 08:10 AM
12/13/10 08:10 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 344
Aotearoa New Zealand
KiwiJ Offline
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KiwiJ  Offline
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Posts: 344
Aotearoa New Zealand
FH, for his prayers for me and my family and his rock solid advice whether you are Christian or not.

Lil, for her humour and common sense and her time given to others when she's going through her own family (not infidelity related) problems.

Not, for her wonderful sense of humour and ability to raise a smile no matter what the situation.

Orchid for always being Orchid.

Medc, for his staunch belief in doing what's right and never wavering in his honesty. What you see is what you get and I admire that immensely.

Princess Meggy for always being sensible and helpful and a good friend.

Starfish for her belief in the good in people and being impartial and always helpful.

Larry for his wisdom and always seeing both sides of the story without judgement.

Mark1952 for his unfailingly good (if a little long winded smile ) advice.

SO many of you who give your time and care and love. It's so hard to single you out.



Jen

FWW 18 month PA 2002-2003 (old HS boyfriend)
Happily Married :o)

I'm a bear of little brain and big words bother me.
Re: I really like this! [Re: KiwiJ] #34916
12/13/10 08:16 AM
12/13/10 08:16 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 344
Aotearoa New Zealand
KiwiJ Offline
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KiwiJ  Offline
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Posts: 344
Aotearoa New Zealand
Loving Anyway who cares for us all and loves us all.

The DB refugees who have added so much to MA with their care and thoughts and advice.

Crazed Student who is impartial, thoughtful, caring, gives a good 2x4 when necessary and doesn't let anyone get away with BS (that's not betrayed spouse lol)

Honestly, you are all my nominees. You have made MA a place of care and love and safety.

Antigone for her intellect and her way of seeing things.

The members who are still suffering and have found a place of refuge.


Jen

FWW 18 month PA 2002-2003 (old HS boyfriend)
Happily Married :o)

I'm a bear of little brain and big words bother me.
Re: I really like this! [Re: KiwiJ] #35017
12/13/10 04:27 PM
12/13/10 04:27 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
B
believer Offline
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Oh yeah, I forgot the DB crew. Keep seeing them land with a THUD, and jump right in livening up the board!

Re: I really like this! [Re: believer] #35288
12/14/10 07:31 AM
12/14/10 07:31 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,569
New Zealand
Lil Offline

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New Zealand
I like a lot of people smile

Jen for being my kiwi counterpart/mother figure and long time supporter in the bad old days. She also understands NZ law and why things American's say amuse me greatly grin

Believer for very similar reasons, but also because she is a success as far as personal recovery goes. She is also the old lady I want to be smile

Our House for her patience and kindness to people who dont deserve it.

LA for her wisdom and offlist help

Star for MA and general just being awesome

Antigone rising for being scary clever

Larry for being a voice for Beetle

Herf for her humour

N2F for her few months ahead in recovery wisdom

V for humour and friendship, and cows smile

Mark for wisdom and knowledge and being a jolly good writer

Marlow for the best post I have seen on dating during marriage

Medc for being bluntly honest, and befriending Flick

Orchid for her wonderful RB that I used to much avail on the easily bewilded WH I had smile

SIHW for her very scary italian humour. Dont p1ss her off, she hides bodys.

There are others, omission from this list is my fault, not yours.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: I really like this! [Re: Lil] #36392
12/15/10 11:49 PM
12/15/10 11:49 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,446
Brotherly Love
gr8 day 2b alive Offline
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Brotherly Love
FWIW.

I recall on the DB site, ready2change noted all the inspirational and good advice on his thread. He has started it here again.

It is a great thread to follow.

Thanks, gr8


Find a passion and pursue it.Fall in love.Dream Big.drink wine, eat good food and spend quality time with good friends.laugh everyday.tell stories. learn more. never give up. be grateful try new things be. happy. and above all, make every moment count.
Re: I really like this! [Re: gr8 day 2b alive] #37478
12/18/10 01:45 AM
12/18/10 01:45 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 5,381
Texas
Larry Offline
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Texas
Sometimes I see my friends here and think how great it is to be around great people who are so much alive and who deal with what life sends their way with compassion and integrity. Then I think of the people in the past who have been the same way and who I miss.

Like JustLearning and MiM (Man in Motion), Scotty and Jim Flint, a man who lived my own life as nobody should be forced to do. And too many others to count or list.

Of all the things I have done or said or believed on these forums over the years, the one that gets me is Beetle.

May whatever God you believe in protect the little ones, for they are our future and our past.

Larry



It's often the truth we hide from ourselves that causes the most damage in life.

My old email address no longer works.
Re: I really like this! [Re: Larry] #37486
12/18/10 02:22 AM
12/18/10 02:22 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,470
right here waiting Offline
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right here waiting  Offline
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As you've said, Larry, Beetle is you. hug hug for Beetle, Lil & Flick, and you.

Re: I really like this! [Re: right here waiting] #37551
12/18/10 01:05 PM
12/18/10 01:05 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,407
Not quite here
Squeaky Tree Offline
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Not quite here
It'stuff of reasons, seasons and lifetimes.


Married 22years (this year) ~13y since dday(?)
DD17 DS14
Which way do you like yourself? ~ Stosny
Re: I really like this! [Re: Squeaky Tree] #38656
12/21/10 01:07 PM
12/21/10 01:07 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 1,737
Vittoria Offline
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Originally Posted By: staytogether
It'stuff of reasons, seasons and lifetimes.

so true!


26 yrs. married
There's nothing more powerful than a woman with an open heart ......
Re: I really like this! [Re: Vittoria] #38841
12/21/10 08:01 PM
12/21/10 08:01 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 2,090
soolee Offline
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Although not a marriage-related post, I nominate this partial post, from Seekingbalance on the Got Sanity thread:

Teenagers are, in my opinion, the absolute coolest people on the planet but they are dumb as rocks. It is a scientific fact that the areas in the brain associated with anticipating consequences are not fully developed until sometime between the ages of 21 and 25. You cannot reason with them as that area of their brain is just not there. They will look at you with complete incomprehension while you explain the most basic facts of life like rent -- they aren't being willful. They just can't get it.

Keep them alive and in a stable environment until their frontal cortex fully develops and you've done your job. And don't hesitate to employ every manipulative tool in your box to achieve that goal.

I've BTDT, and have a happy ending so I'm not just blowing smoke.


Me: 53
Him: 53
Together: 34 years
Married: 27 years

"Aspire to Inspire before you Expire" Author Unknown

Welcome to Marriage Advocates! Please click here to join the group: http://www.marriageadvocates.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php/ubb/newuser
Re: I really like this! [Re: soolee] #38945
12/22/10 12:54 AM
12/22/10 12:54 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,470
right here waiting Offline
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As the parent of two (former) teenagers who have both turned into the most amazing adults, I concur.

Wish that research about frontal lobe development had been around when we were raising them. Would've make DS's bad judgment resulting in totalling the family car (AND the one he pulled out in front of) at a lot easier to take. This research SHOULD be the basis of raising the driving age IMO.

Re: I really like this! [Re: right here waiting] #38950
12/22/10 01:06 AM
12/22/10 01:06 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,027
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OurHouse Offline
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Quote:
This research SHOULD be the basis of raising the driving age IMO.


And the drinking age.

Re: I really like this! [Re: OurHouse] #38969
12/22/10 01:54 AM
12/22/10 01:54 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,470
right here waiting Offline
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Agree wholeheartedly. Good luck dealing with the teens when this is pushed through... Glad mine are already launched.

Re: I really like this! [Re: right here waiting] #47926
01/09/11 05:50 PM
01/09/11 05:50 PM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 5,409
for to fade Offline
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for to fade  Offline
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Posts: 5,409
And lildoggie has very great posts, and her little icon with the dog is comforting.

Posts that really understand just where you are.


tink

Last edited by tinkerbell; 01/09/11 05:54 PM.
Re: I really like this! [Re: ] #48181
01/10/11 04:11 AM
01/10/11 04:11 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 12,611
The Dark Side of the Moon
AntigoneRisen Offline
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The Dark Side of the Moon
Yup, Lil is very special. claps


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: I really like this! [Re: AntigoneRisen] #101399
05/03/11 01:55 AM
05/03/11 01:55 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,569
New Zealand
Lil Offline

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Lil  Offline

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New Zealand
Originally Posted By: LadyGrey
Malcolm Gladwell describes this phenomenon in The Tipping Point -- that there is a point at which human behavior tips. Everyone is going to have a different tipping point on pretty much everything. One person's tipping point on smoking may be one cigarette, another a pack, another a carton, but eventually everyone will become addicted if they just smoke enough.

I think the same holds true here. Everyone's tipping point for infidelity will be different. Trying to universalize the experience -- "it is an addiction", "no it isn't", is, I think pointless and divisive.

The best way to never become a smoker is to never touch a cigarette because you can't know what your tipping point will be. You may think you do, but you may be wrong. You make think you have it under control, but you may be wrong.



Here



AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: I really like this! [Re: Lil] #105818
05/14/11 03:02 AM
05/14/11 03:02 AM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,657
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LadyGrey Offline
Professional Attorney
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Posts: 4,657
This post by Vibrissa is so....well, I don't have words.

Originally Posted By: Vibrissa
Just now catching up and reading this thread. So much of what is here I agree with. As my parents divorced due to my mother's infidelity, that is more of where my experience lays.

I grew up in a world shattered and torn apart by my mothers infidelity. I agree with JL - honesty was my rock. I came to depend and lean upon my father because he was the parent I could trust to be honest with me. He wasn't perfect. I saw him lose his temper, I saw him make mistakes, but I was always assured that HE was the one that was going to handle it. Unlike my mother, he never blamed me or my brother for ANYTHING that went on in his life.

I just wish someone had thought to actually TELL me how my mother ended her marriage with my father. I pieced it together as a young child, and since no one told me my childish mind figured I wasn't supposed to know. Thus I couldn't reveal to anyone that I knew. It was a terrible secret I had to keep, twisting inside me. I had to consistently monitor and check my behavior to be sure I wasn't going to make anyone suspicious about the fact that I knew. No 8 year old should have to bear that kind of weight. I had a right to know. I had a right to honesty.

One thing I appreciated was though my father was a BH and was forced to send me off each week to live with the man that had stolen his family and the woman who destroyed it, he constantly insisted that I respect my mother. I was never wrong in loving her, in fact he constantly reassured me it was ok to love her, and the children they had, my sisters. They and my brothers, who were born from my father's second marriage were just that: brothers and sisters. No halves, no steps. Just siblings who I should love and care for.

When I and my brother decided to leave my mother, when we decided to stop seeing her he protected that choice. He never forced us to be with her. He allowed us the space to make that decision for ourselves.

Quote:
When a parent speaks ill of the other parent (not their actions), children experience this as an attack on themselves because their identities are still evolving and tied up with their parents'.


I wish I could quote this a thousand times. It is so true. To this day I doubt my mother's love - because I grew up seeing her undisguised hatred of my father, who I am half of. I cannot describe how tormenting it is to experience this. To wish you could rip half of your soul out to make your mother happy. To wish you just didn't exist... at the age of 6.

The person who hurt you so terribly is the foundation of your children's world.

Finally, understand that if you do divorce, your children are growing up, literally, in two different worlds. Your values and those of your ex-spouse will diverge, and the conflict between the two will be fought in the heart of your children.

The simplest things caused me anxiety as a child: at my mother's you asked for food and if it was the last of something and you ate it, you got in trouble because the last was always reserved for my step-father. At my father's food was always readily available, if you asked for food you were derided because you shouldn't have to ask for food, it was a renewable resource.

So I was constantly anxious, over food. I took to stealing and hoarding food, as did my brother.

I experienced anxiety over so many things: the television, brushing my teeth, answering the phone. It was stressful to say the least.

So understand that if you do divorce (whether to infidelity or not) your children are being raised with conflicting sets of values and beliefs and to a young child, it DOES feel like picking sides. Go easy. Yes you have your values and beliefs, but so does your spouse and your child will have to find a way to negotiate between the two sets of values and some of those they settle on may be those of your spouse and that is ok. You may think that they've made a horrible choice, that they will find nothing but misery for choosing your spouse's values, but though you no longer share your life with them, your spouse has an equal right as you do to impart their values and beliefs onto their children.

Up until a few years ago I refused to engage in politics. My mother is staunch republican and my father staunch democrat. I remember voting in my first election and feeling overwhelming guilt: I'd chosen a side. I didn't tell anyone who I voted for so my parents couldn't figure out who's side I'd chosen, which parent had 'won'... silly and stupid I know, but the habit of seeing everything as mom's side and dad's side is so ingrained it me it has taken time to let go. It's getting easier now, to not feel so stuck between the two of them. To make my own choices and own them, for better or worse.


Bidden or not bidden God is present.
Re: I really like this! [Re: LadyGrey] #125400
06/23/11 08:15 PM
06/23/11 08:15 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,309
Colorado
LovingAnyway Offline
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Colorado
Mark1952 - Going out on a limb post

#125187 - 06/23/11 07:15 AM Re: BW to WW...too broken to fix? [Re: broken_soul] Mark's Going Out On A Limb post

Quote:
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say something I think might often come at a different place in the conversation and get it out of the way right up front. I could analyze the attraction, the EN of intimate conversation being met by C and not J etc. I could point out the "nothing physical except" notion and climb all over that. I could commiserate with you over having a spouse who sometimes, even most of the time, just doesn't seem to give a flip about what I do. I could point out the age difference and show how any relationship with C will be at best a fling of the short term variety. I could jump on the morality bus and talk about how you are married and he is living with a woman with whom he has a child which is the model for the new marriage.

Yeah, I mentioned them by way of not talking about them. How very Cicero like of me, I think.

So what's the problem?

The problem is in part that YOU aren't getting what YOU need from J. Based on what has been shared at this point I can't say as to whether or not J is getting what he needs from you, but that's another discussion, I believe right now, though taking a look at that yourself might be a good thing.

So when we aren't getting what we want and need from a person, what do we do? More importantly, what SHOULD we do as opposed to what we actually do? One thing that never actually solves the problem is to ignore it or to stop trying to find a solution. Not working on the marriage by default is working on a divorce. We just don't always recognize it as such until something (or someone) intercedes and makes us go back and examine the marriage again.

When I was in QA I would get folks bringing me problems they had been trying to figure out and throw up their hands and say "I can't fix it. I've tried everything. I give up!" I eventually began asking right away if they had tried throwing bricks at the device or system they were having issues with. Of course the answer was always a negative with a puzzled or sometimes annoyed look. I would then say "So you haven't actually tried EVERYTHING, have you?" Now the issue is, what they had been trying wasn't actually working for them so clearly something else needed to be tried. The question is hat might that be...

So let me ask this, BS. What have you tried so far? What did you try most recently? What do you see your as your problem? What change could take place that you would suddenly not be even thinking about C or K or F, D & L, but be willing to actually make a connection again with J? What is missing that you keep looking to find and what have you tried in order to get that from J?

You are frustrated and have been working at this for a while. What have you done so far and how's that been workin' for ya?

Problem = ???
Solution = Depends on the actual problem.

Wholesale replacement of systems or even parts of systems always ends eliminating the faulty bits, but it doesn't actually fix anything. Getting a new one always lets us stop messing with trying to solve problems with the old one, but it never actually fixes the old one. We also find soon enough that even the new one has issues and now it too needs fixing.

If I have replaced all four tires on my truck and still get flats, clearly the problem wasn't in the tires themselves and might be in the wheels or valve stems or the fact that I drive past a construction site every morning and run over stuff. Buying a new car lets me start without flat tires and if the problem was the wheels it will surely stop the flat tires from being a problem but if it's that crap I run over every day, the new one is gonna have the same problem as the old one.

And if I never get another flat at all, the new one will one day be old and have other problems I either need to fix or move on to the next one and try again.

So even if you opt for divorced, you need to understand that you must identify the actual problem so that you know you have actually tried fixing it or that you choose not to fix it. Replacing it will only temporarily solve that problem and before long other problems will show up, some of which you already know how to fix on the old one but that now defy fixing on the new one.
_________________________
mark1952.ma@gmail.com

I Was Thinking...

The secret to having a good marriage is to understand that marriage must be total, it must be permanent, and it must be equal.-- Frank Pittman

Re: I really like this! [Re: LovingAnyway] #206413
02/10/12 03:23 AM
02/10/12 03:23 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,808
NewEveryDay Offline
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I'd like to nominate this as an article. I googled "memory management marriage" to see if it would come up, and it came up first!

Mark's Emotional Memory Management - Dealing with Triggers


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: I really like this! [Re: NewEveryDay] #226790
04/24/12 12:47 PM
04/24/12 12:47 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,808
NewEveryDay Offline
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I'd like to nominate CityGirl's post Breaking Cement Bonds after Divorce if there is a way that it could be *not* tied to her username, for privacy reasons she mentioned.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: I really like this! [Re: NewEveryDay] #227126
04/25/12 09:46 PM
04/25/12 09:46 PM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,607
C
CityGirl Offline
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Hi Ned, thank you for the nomination. I just meant I didn't want to put my therapists name on a post since he is the authority figure (to me at least) and I was really just repeating what he told me so I really cannot take any credit for it other than typing it out. And I worry for my own privacy. But y'all can decide what is best.


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