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Re: Adventures in Dating [Re: herfuturesbright] #362454
09/10/14 02:00 AM
09/10/14 02:00 AM
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strongerone Offline
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Anyone around??


"The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them."
Maya Angelou
Re: Adventures in Dating [Re: strongerone] #362456
09/10/14 02:22 AM
09/10/14 02:22 AM
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NewEveryDay Offline OP
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Hi Stronger, I'm still around smile How's it going?


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Adventures in Dating [Re: NewEveryDay] #362489
09/10/14 03:43 PM
09/10/14 03:43 PM
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AnotherShot Offline
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I'm around, I've been doing great. I've been together with my wonderful woman for over 6 months now. We do so much together, we got open water dive certified, and we are making our first dive together this weekend. We are also planning trips to San Carlos Mexico and Catalina Island in CA. Potentially looking at Cozumel next year. My ex is remarried and already has another baby, it's kept her busy and out of my hair which has been WONDERFUL. Work is still work, but all in all I'm one happy camper in life right now!

Re: Adventures in Dating [Re: AnotherShot] #362503
09/10/14 06:56 PM
09/10/14 06:56 PM
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NewEveryDay Offline OP
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AS what an awesome update thanks for checking on!


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Adventures in Dating [Re: NewEveryDay] #362640
09/12/14 06:40 AM
09/12/14 06:40 AM
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AnotherShot Offline
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You know, time flies. I wish more people would chime in here, there are a lot of us with a lot of input to provide. I lost time until I got an email notification from the forum here. I miss all the input and daily updates from everyone. I hope they aren't updating because their lives are so good they don't need to!

Re: Adventures in Dating [Re: AnotherShot] #362693
09/13/14 06:44 AM
09/13/14 06:44 AM
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Shell shocked Offline
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Ok, I'll chime in with a question smile

Why is that the BS is often told not to date too soon until they have had time to grieve the relationship & work on themselves - YET the WS goes straight from one relationship to the next with the OP with no time at all to grieve or work on themselves & in a lot of instances these relationships work out??

Re: Adventures in Dating [Re: Shell shocked] #362700
09/13/14 02:06 PM
09/13/14 02:06 PM
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NewEveryDay Offline OP
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Oh my goodness shell that isn't obvious wink Look at the folks the WSs get themselves stuck with! If you haven't taken the time to grieve and get your confidence back, who knows what you would settle for? Never again!!!

Are there *any* of those affair relationships you look at and think would be good enough to settle for? For the rest of your life?!


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Adventures in Dating [Re: NewEveryDay] #362716
09/14/14 10:06 AM
09/14/14 10:06 AM
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Shell shocked Offline
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NED, I [i]know[/] first hand the type of people that the WS get "stuck" with. My WH chose a hideous looking she bloke. His own father selected the OW of the same caliber.

Thing is the WS does not know that they are settling when they take off with their AP & a lot of them end up staying with the AP long term. This is why I asked why the WS needs no time to grieve if they can hook up with the AP prior to ending their current relationship. I read the affairiages thread & we all know of instances where the WS & AP marry & seem to be happy. My WH father has been married to the OW for about 20 years BUT I don't believe it is happily ever after as my WH said some years ago that he doesn't think he is happy but he is stuck.

Re: Adventures in Dating [Re: Shell shocked] #362764
09/15/14 01:22 PM
09/15/14 01:22 PM
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midwest
Miranda Offline
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Look, running blindly from one relationship to the next isn't something that mature rational people do. That's what teenagers do. Mature rational people know how to be alone. They aren't afraid of it, they don't mind it, they enjoy the pleasure of their own company and know that the world won't stop spinning if they aren't "coupled" for a minute, an hour, a day, or a few years.

Once you figure that out, relationships start taking on a whole different type of character. It's difficult to describe, but you know it when you feel it. The desperation leaves the air completely. Not so much of as a whiff of it remains, and what grows from that is a true relationship of equals. Where no one can step easily into the "one up" position and ride roughshod over the other one. Where both people can just relax and not analyze every little thing. Where no one ever walks on eggshells, or makes grand overtures, or turns themselves inside out to please. It's a relationship where there is a quiet stillness in it, that doesn't require a frantic paddling beneath the surface to keep it moving at all times.

Not that it isn't work, because all relationships are. Just that the work isn't so intense and the work stays balanced most of the time. Fear is a bit player instead of the star forward in the relationship feelings team.

That's what you get if you spend some time working on you and learning to be okay alone. It's what you miss out on if just keep on running from relationship to relationship. You never make room in your life for something as wonderful as that. And that's quite a loss. When people advise you to wait for a while, it's because they don't want you to miss out on something so wonderful as that.

And I'm not even covering the amazingness of the relationship you get to have with YOURSELF. That's a whole separate thing, not for this post.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Adventures in Dating [Re: Miranda] #362765
09/15/14 01:41 PM
09/15/14 01:41 PM
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CajunRose Offline
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Shell, it is also important to note that in many cases the WS has been grieving the marriage for a long time. The end of the marriage may be a surprise to the BS, but the WS has been detaching for weeks or months or years.

I wholeheartedly endorse everything Miranda said too.


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Adventures in Dating [Re: CajunRose] #362772
09/15/14 02:07 PM
09/15/14 02:07 PM
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On the flip side - I can now see that there are people that once divorced are also afraid to become a couple again.

Humans are meant to couple up.

Makes me wonder why older people have that have been badly burned are afraid to go near fire again.

Or do you think that is quite natural?

Re: Adventures in Dating [Re: Rich57] #362814
09/16/14 02:27 AM
09/16/14 02:27 AM
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Clearly waywards are not acting rationally for whatever reason. And some times Betrayeds do not behave rationally either. When I was divorcing men came at me from every direction. It was flattering, intoxicating and unmanageable. When my divorce was final I almost instantly became involved with a man. I cannot now believe I allowed myself to go down that path. It was only a couple of months and I did manage to extricate myself from him......but it really damaged me.

I was staggering with all sorts of grief after that...the end of my marriage, the devastation of xh taking home wrecker around my son, the embarrassment of having been involved with that man....it was horrible. Part of that I couldn't control...but I could have kept that man out of my life.

When I met dh it was different just like Miranda said. I met him just a year after D day....and we married quickly...but it was sooooo different from that first post divorce relationship.

Re: Adventures in Dating [Re: SmilingWife] #362825
09/16/14 03:40 AM
09/16/14 03:40 AM
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Shell shocked Offline
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I have no problem being alone & do enjoy my own company. In fact when my WH went out on the odd occasion I looked forward to having the place to myself. Butit is very scary to think about being alone permanently frown

I agree that running from one relationship to another is a teenage thing. I believe my WH did this because he actually is scared to be alone. At the age of 43 he has only lived by himself for 18 months - that was the period between breaking up with his ex (she cheated) & meeting me.

When my WH left I took a good hard look at myself & know where I went wrong so I do believe I will be better equipped next time round. Ironically when my WH ex cheated on him he believed he was faultless as he was when he cheated on me.

I am now at the 9 month mark & wonder if it's not too soon to at least start dating not for anything serious but to build up my confidence & self esteem - I can't divorce til December. The last date i went on was with my WH back in 2001! I am not the type to continue seeing someone I'm not interested in just for the sake of not being alone so I think I will be ok not selecting someone I'm not suited to - or I am fooling myself here?

My MIL never dated again after my FIL cheated on her for 7 years. I don't think she ever got over it. I don't want to be like that but I know it will take a lot for me to trust again.....

Re: Adventures in Dating [Re: Shell shocked] #362827
09/16/14 03:54 AM
09/16/14 03:54 AM
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SmilingWife Offline
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Shell it is too soon. Wait until at least the legal divorce is final.

Re: Adventures in Dating [Re: SmilingWife] #362828
09/16/14 04:00 AM
09/16/14 04:00 AM
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Shell shocked Offline
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Ok, thanks! I hope it's final by the end of this year. I'm not getting any younger smirk

Re: Adventures in Dating [Re: Shell shocked] #362842
09/16/14 01:26 PM
09/16/14 01:26 PM
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Miranda Offline
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Originally Posted By: Shell shocked
Butit is very scary to think about being alone permanently frown


This ^^^ means it's still too soon, imo. You still feel like you NEED someone else. Otherwise it wouldn't be "very scary" to be alone permanently.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Adventures in Dating [Re: Miranda] #362846
09/16/14 01:39 PM
09/16/14 01:39 PM
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CajunRose Offline
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I was divorced at the 9-month mark, so I started dating. I was sure I was ready - I had done SOOO much work on myself. I was wrong.

My second date, a month after divorce, was with the man I eventually married. At that time, though, we didn't click enough. Three months later, he called me to see if I wanted to go out one more time, and then - THEN - I was really ready. I'm glad he was persistent wink I needed those 3 months to finish processing the divorce, to put aside my fear of being alone, and, really, to decide I didn't need anyone and wasn't going to date for a while (so, OF COURSE, he called the next day and I justified it because he wasn't "new").

When your self-esteem and confidence don't depend on what random men think of you or on how much attention you are getting, you'll be ready to date.

I highly encourage you to make a really good list of what you will eventually be looking for. Mine included
1. Characteristics I MUST have in a man
2. Characteristics I WANTED to see in a man
3. Absolute deal-breakers
4. Things I didn't like but that I might be willing to overlook

I made sure my list was concrete, and when I started dating, I looked for actions to back up the words. (For example, #1 on my list was someone who valued family. One man I went out with told me that his daughter was his first priority. Went on and on about it. Then I found out he only saw her two days a month even though she lived within 20 miles. Scratched him off the list.)

Take this time to figure out what you want, to figure out what you need to refine about yourself to attract what you want, and to make sure you also know what you don't want.


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Adventures in Dating [Re: CajunRose] #362978
09/17/14 10:34 AM
09/17/14 10:34 AM
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Shell shocked Offline
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Maybe that's my problem, I think I'm ready but I most likely am not. I never had a problem being alone before I meet my WH but now that he's gone it's different. It's hard after being with the same person for over 12 years & it's no longer we but me frown

Part of me doesn't want my WH pitying me that I'm still single while he is out there getting on with his life. I know I shouldn't be thinking this way or caring what he is thinking, it's only because he became very arrogant & full of himself once this she bloke was on the scene.

I'm not the type to date random men but I hear what you are saying about confidence & self esteem. It's hard to feel confident when your H leaves you for another woman.

I do have a list & next time round family is also big on my list! My WH never got on with his (adopted) sister & claimed it was because of the 6 year age gap but it didn't stop him hooking up with the OW who is more than 12 years younger than him. He despised his cheating father & was only close with his mum. In the whole time I was with my WH I saw my FIL only 3 or 4 times & one of those times included our wedding! I saw the sister no more than a dozen times & it was close to a year before I met her for the first time!I am very close with my family & it's only now in hindsight I can see how easy it would have been for him to detach from me since he had no close bonds with family members. I know I have gone off on a tangent here but this whole ordeal has made me realise how lucky I am to have such a loving caring family. I think family plays a big part of who we are as adults.

It's funny that I have a couple of weird items on the list that wouldn't be there if I hadn't been with my WH. Like being house proud. All the housework was left up to me even though we both worked full time. I am a bit OCD & he didn't care for a clean house but his car had to be spotless. Spontaneity is another one. I don't want to be responsible for deciding everything we do or where we go.

Funny you say you didn't click initially with your H as I didn't either with my WH but unfortunately he pursued me.

The most important thing as you say, is actions. Actions are what will indicate to me whether the person has the qualities I am looking for & I would rather take my time to know for sure rather than rush in & get hurt again.

Re: Adventures in Dating [Re: Shell shocked] #363067
09/17/14 05:51 PM
09/17/14 05:51 PM
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Spend your time doing THINGS, instead of going on DATES. Meetup.com, join classes, join clubs, do stuff, and see if you meet people who you feel 'natural' with. And volunteer! You can fill your time with plenty of stuff without having to have someone else 'choose' you; and that's stuff for your IC anyway. wink

Re: Adventures in Dating [Re: catperson] #363987
09/29/14 12:33 PM
09/29/14 12:33 PM
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NewEveryDay Offline OP
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Shell, how's it going?


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Adventures in Dating [Re: NewEveryDay] #364461
10/04/14 02:05 PM
10/04/14 02:05 PM
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NewEveryDay Offline OP
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How's everyone doing?

I love how my relationship is going, but I have some nagging doubts. My boyfriend is awesome with his DS5, and good with my kids and family and friends, but relatively cold and distant with his own mom and brother. I know sometimes those things are warranted, but frankly I'm scared that I dug myself in over my head again. I want to talk to him about this, but concerned also that I won't like the answers.

On my must have list was close with his family. Did anyone else have something like that you gave up on that list once you were really connected with someone?


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Adventures in Dating [Re: NewEveryDay] #364463
10/04/14 02:35 PM
10/04/14 02:35 PM
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believer Offline
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I think it's worth noting and watching, NED. However, all my guys were very close to their mothers and siblings, and that didn't make them good husbands.

My niece's husband is very cold and distant to his parents and sister. I've just gotten bits and pieces of the reason over the years. It seems to be about their disappoint with him and partly about religion.

My niece was very concerned about it and tried to get him to be closer. I still remember the day she was so excited about being invited to dinner at their home. All went well, but nothing changed.

However, I've known him for 10 years and he's been a wonderful husband and father. He's been great with our family and her family. When my mother was sick (niece's grandmother) he was very considerate about weekends niece spent with us, instead of at home, and they both worked and had lots on their plate. When my sons visited summers, he went out of his way to entertain and include them all summer.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Adventures in Dating [Re: believer] #364475
10/04/14 07:31 PM
10/04/14 07:31 PM
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NewEveryDay Offline OP
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Believer, thanks for sharing your story about your niece's H, and I like your advice, keep noting and watching. I do get too far in everyone's life and it is nice to have some balance there. I shared with BF that I feel a little hemmed in sometimes, because YD is a homebody too, and so her weekends I try not to get to ether too much with everyone, but then that just leaves the weekends with my boyfriend to try to fit it all in, and he prefers one-on-one time too.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Adventures in Dating [Re: NewEveryDay] #364490
10/05/14 01:44 AM
10/05/14 01:44 AM
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Extended family is important to me - I host the holiday dinners, I'm the family historian, etc.

My H is extremely close to his mother and stepfather. He didn't even tell his bio dad that we were getting married. Bio dad moved away when he was 12, and lost interest after that. Not H's fault.

My xH and his mom's family were really close. His dad and that side of the family...a totally different story. xH and I tried, for a long time. It just wasn't reciprocated. So he gave up.

I would ask your boyfriend about the relationship with his family, find out what caused the distance, and whether or not he's comfortable with it. If it's niggling you, then you NEED to bring it up.

Is this the only thing that's making you fear you've gotten over your head again?


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Adventures in Dating [Re: CajunRose] #364589
10/06/14 03:34 PM
10/06/14 03:34 PM
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Miranda Offline
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Ned,

I'm sure this was a "thing" for my husband with me as well. He's very tied in with his family. He talks to his mother often, very often. Family is super important to him. I'm not really tight with my family, and I've gone YEARS without speaking to my parents at times, for very good reasons. There's a boatload of dysfunction there, going way back.

Daryl has pushed at times for me to have more of a relationship with my folks. He's facilitated, he's shoved, he's been a bridge. All with varying degrees of success. He sees now WHY I've been estranged, and he's integrated himself in a role that helps instead of hinders healing.

I'm glad he didn't let it stop him from taking our relationship to the next level. But I can see why it would. It's a messy thing. But it has always been one of those things we've dealt with straight up front.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
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