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Re: How DRIVE BY HONESTY MAgnifies Marriages [Re: Jayne241] #276509
01/29/13 01:09 AM
01/29/13 01:09 AM
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Fiddler Offline
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Originally Posted By: Jayne241
Originally Posted By: TimeHeals

Now, he may have his own internal dialog going on that makes this nagging, but how is asking once nagging?


And therein lies my problem. smile

The only way to ask less than once is to not ask at all. I'm pretty sure that is his preference.
So he is averse to any kind of request whatsoever.


"Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me."
Re: How DRIVE BY HONESTY MAgnifies Marriages [Re: Fiddler] #343127
04/06/14 07:23 AM
04/06/14 07:23 AM
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Ace Offline OP
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A new poster Sammoh was (and still may be) looking for this information.

Best wishes, Sammoh.

Ace

Re: How DRIVE BY HONESTY MAgnifies Marriages [Re: Ace] #364602
10/06/14 04:17 PM
10/06/14 04:17 PM
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herfuturesbright v 2.0 Offline
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This is interesting to me because I don't really like long drawn out confronting type discussions. I would rather do this and kind of plant a seed to talk about later. I think I might try this.

Re: How DRIVE BY HONESTY MAgnifies Marriages [Re: Fiddler] #364769
10/07/14 06:13 PM
10/07/14 06:13 PM
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catperson Offline
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Originally Posted By: Fiddler
So he is averse to any kind of request whatsoever.
That's my husband. The one who, when you ask for something, goes and does something ELSE, just to prove (to whom?) that he doesn't have to do what I want. I've jokingly (not really) told him that I ought to start asking him to do things I DON'T want, so I'd have better odds that he just might pick the thing I DO want done to do.

Saturday, I needed his help to replace the propane tank in the grill (I couldn't get it to light), but he was on his computer, I assume doing work (if I ask, I get barked at). I sat 3 feet from him, at the table behind his couch, for more than 2 hours, waiting for him to look up from the computer. Finally, it was past time I needed to start the meal, so I just went ahead and said 'can you look at the grill for me? I need help' and he did his typical shudder, rolling of the eyes, and snapping "WHEN I have a CHANCE!". I knew it was coming, I'd watched him for 2 hours to avoid it, knowing I have to wait til he looks up to be able to ask him ANYthing, asked anyway, and got the response I expected. I was brokenhearted, I thought he'd been listening, and changing. I said 'forget it, I'll figure it out myself' and of course then it's 'why do you have to be such a b*tch all the time?' I tried to explain to him what he'd done but he denied it. I said don't worry, I'll never ask you for another thing for the rest of my life. And I mean it. I can't handle the pain any more. Even when I do the drive-by comments, he simply doesn't believe I'm right. Hopefully others have more luck with it.

Re: How DRIVE BY HONESTY MAgnifies Marriages [Re: catperson] #364909
10/09/14 04:52 AM
10/09/14 04:52 AM
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Kittycat Offline
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Hey don't all men roll their eyes? I am ready to get [Bleep!] too. Anything I ask when he is online or watching TV or doing nothing I get the eye roll. Time to ask for 100 more things and maybe they will get used to us asking and do a few of these things.

Have you ever asked something ( a yes or no question) and you get absolutely NO RESPONSE? First, I think "He must not have heard me". So I repeat the request. This time he says:" I HEARD YOU ALREADY!". Great. Heard but did not say a word. I need YES or NO. I then tell him I need him to let me know he heard me so I could quit repeating myself. we started getting into a stupid argument about it. Now he thinks I need extra affirmation. Drives me crazy. I really think NOT ANSWERING is a passive aggressive game. I am tired of it.

After all this, I feel like never asking for anything again. He is training me to feel like crap and never ask for anything.

Last edited by Kittycat; 10/09/14 04:56 AM.

Formerly Baba, Stellakat, Bubbles

"Please remember that what I say here in this post is ONLY my opinion and it is not meant to offend in any way!"
Re: How DRIVE BY HONESTY MAgnifies Marriages [Re: Kittycat] #364918
10/09/14 12:11 PM
10/09/14 12:11 PM
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NewEveryDay Offline
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Cat, Kitty, that sounds awful! Do they come around the next day?

I wonder if men PMS too?


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: How DRIVE BY HONESTY MAgnifies Marriages [Re: NewEveryDay] #364931
10/09/14 01:05 PM
10/09/14 01:05 PM
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List of tasks. Deadlines. Why / how you created the deadline. Explanation of how this task fits into your larger plan of tasks that you have not asked me to help with, so I realize all the things that I am blocking by not attending to this task.

Many guys will not sit still for a discussion of all this. Especially if there are multiple items. And they won't remember anyway after you tell them. So write it down. He might be more amenable to seeing the logic of why you want something done by a particular deadline if he understands how it fits into the bigger picture. And he might be more willing to agree with you if he does not have to say so to your face.

I know, men are wierd. But if you are a married woman, you should already know that by now.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: How DRIVE BY HONESTY MAgnifies Marriages [Re: holdingontoit] #364962
10/09/14 05:07 PM
10/09/14 05:07 PM
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SmilingWife Offline
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My XH would refuse to answer me. DH rarely does but if I call him on it he is reasonable about it and will offer an explanation as to why he didn't answer....was still thinking, didn't want to give me answer he knew I didn't want, etc.

Dh does not roll his eyes at me. He smiles at me.

This morning when I started getting high energy on him about projects he just said, 'stop.' So I did. It took an extreme amount of self control for me to not start up again.

Re: How DRIVE BY HONESTY MAgnifies Marriages [Re: catperson] #364964
10/09/14 05:13 PM
10/09/14 05:13 PM
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Monterey, CA
Fiddler Offline
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This is a big part of why I am not a fan of the "drive-by."

I find the perspective of who is "right" or "wrong" is of little value in such communication.

Instead of being defensive, what do you suppose would have happened if you had validated his feelings in the moment?


"Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me."
Re: How DRIVE BY HONESTY MAgnifies Marriages [Re: NewEveryDay] #365114
10/10/14 10:46 PM
10/10/14 10:46 PM
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catperson Offline
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Originally Posted By: NewEveryDay
Cat, Kitty, that sounds awful! Do they come around the next day?

I wonder if men PMS too?
NED, he KNOWS he's being a jerk; he just won't do the work to stop doing it. So, yes, an hour later he's joking and flirting and trying to pretend nothing happened. Some day I'll be strong enough to say 'forget it, that doesn't work any more.'

Re: How DRIVE BY HONESTY MAgnifies Marriages [Re: holdingontoit] #365115
10/10/14 10:48 PM
10/10/14 10:48 PM
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catperson Offline
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Originally Posted By: holdingontoit
Many guys will not sit still for a discussion of all this. Especially if there are multiple items. And they won't remember anyway after you tell them. So write it down.
My H won't do lists. He sees it as an attack of how he has failed. And goes and does something else, as long as it's not on my list.

Re: How DRIVE BY HONESTY MAgnifies Marriages [Re: Fiddler] #365116
10/10/14 10:49 PM
10/10/14 10:49 PM
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catperson Offline
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Originally Posted By: Fiddler
Instead of being defensive, what do you suppose would have happened if you had validated his feelings in the moment?
You mean after he yelled at me?

Re: How DRIVE BY HONESTY MAgnifies Marriages [Re: catperson] #365122
10/11/14 01:35 AM
10/11/14 01:35 AM
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Monterey, CA
Fiddler Offline
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Originally Posted By: catperson
Originally Posted By: Fiddler
Instead of being defensive, what do you suppose would have happened if you had validated his feelings in the moment?
You mean after he yelled at me?
Yes.


"Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me."
Re: How DRIVE BY HONESTY MAgnifies Marriages [Re: Fiddler] #365199
10/13/14 12:32 AM
10/13/14 12:32 AM
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catperson Offline
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He would have backed down. And I would have felt like once again I wasn't being heard because I had to kiss his ass to calm him down by 'validating' him. He never hears me. As long as I agree with him, he calms down.

Re: How DRIVE BY HONESTY MAgnifies Marriages [Re: catperson] #365312
10/13/14 08:30 PM
10/13/14 08:30 PM
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Fiddler Offline
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Validating is not the same as 'agreeing'; it does however help a person feel heard. If your husband were here, I could show him how to validate you, which would address your not feeling heard. However, he is not here, you are. If you see validating as "kissing his ass" then that attitude is likely to come across as judging his perspective and point of view as not legitimate.

If he is feeling upset to the point of raising his voice, he is not able to hear anything you have to say. Once he feels heard and is calm, then (and generally not before) is is able to hear you, so that's the time to express what is going on for you.


"Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me."
Re: How DRIVE BY HONESTY MAgnifies Marriages [Re: Ace] #445518
05/20/21 07:14 AM
05/20/21 07:14 AM
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Bump


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


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