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Re: The Next Stage - Plan B, Protection Phase [Re: black_raven] #158243
09/17/11 01:35 PM
09/17/11 01:35 PM
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TimeHeals Offline
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Quote:
Isn't this putting a time table on people's grief?


No, not really. It acknowledges people are different, and that most of us are more resilient than previously thought.

Bonano's research also completely shoots down the "phases of grief" hypothesis which evolved as a treatment model for end-of-life patients, and then was generalized to the wider population. Grief counseling can impair recovery in *most* people. That is another finding. Pouring over events and re-living the pain can impair recovery.

Now these tracking studies deal with more extreme situations than marriages breaking up (9/11 survivors, survivors of genocide in Kosovo and Rwanda, families of deceased soldiers who fought in Afghanistan and Iraq, surviving soldiers,and so on), but they are ground-breaking because they began tracking the subjects before the horrific things that happened to them even happened.

It doesn't matter whether or not you agree. These studies are the first attempts at empirically studying grief. Before these studies, it was all guesswork basically.

The *leap* is correlating these studies with the grief that accompanies a marriage breaking up, discovery of infedility, and so on. That leap was mine, but I feel pretty safe making it.


Your Time Perspective Can Heal
Mend the broken, make strong the weak and vanquish the evil.
Re: The Next Stage - Plan B, Protection Phase [Re: TimeHeals] #158396
09/17/11 09:36 PM
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But if there is a timetable and you are in the outer realms then there is another failure to put on your list.

Re: The Next Stage - Plan B, Protection Phase [Re: TimeHeals] #158718
09/18/11 09:47 PM
09/18/11 09:47 PM
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Originally Posted By: TimeHeals
It acknowledges people are different


That's about all I got out of that model.

Don't want to t/j with the rest of my thoughts on this. Back to Plan B.


Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face...we must do that which we think we cannot.

Re: The Next Stage - Plan B, Protection Phase [Re: black_raven] #161301
09/27/11 06:17 AM
09/27/11 06:17 AM
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I was told there is a time limit to starting plan b, kind of sucks if you are half out of your head you are going to miss it

Would be nice if the affair didn't happen, bitterly that is typed

Re: The Next Stage - Plan B, Protection Phase [Re: ] #161303
09/27/11 06:59 AM
09/27/11 06:59 AM
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Lil Offline OP

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There is no time limit to Plan B. You go into it when you cant take the affair madness any more, and you stay there until either you recover your marriage OR become completely ambivalent about contact with the WS OR one of you dies.

As Mark said, Plan B is for the BS. It is a time to heal, to find yourself, and move to the next stage of your life, whether or not the WS is a part of that.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The Next Stage - Plan B, Protection Phase [Re: Lil] #161370
09/27/11 03:24 PM
09/27/11 03:24 PM
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The time limit is simply when you get tired of being married to a cheating, lying SOB and decide you deserve better and respect yourself too much to be married to THAT.

Re: The Next Stage - Plan B, Protection Phase [Re: catperson] #161402
09/27/11 04:51 PM
09/27/11 04:51 PM
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I need coffee, I was reading last night and woke up with a pile of books on me and the sound of someone mowing their lawn bight and early

coffee

Last edited by tinkerbell; 09/27/11 04:51 PM.
Re: The Next Stage - Plan B, Protection Phase [Re: ] #161403
09/27/11 04:52 PM
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lildoggie do you realize your little picture is of the classic

smokin gun???

lol

Re: The Next Stage - Plan B, Protection Phase [Re: ] #161404
09/27/11 04:56 PM
09/27/11 04:56 PM
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need coffee



Last edited by tinkerbell; 09/27/11 05:00 PM.
Re: The Next Stage - Plan B, Protection Phase [Re: ] #178868
11/16/11 09:16 PM
11/16/11 09:16 PM
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Vittoria Offline
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Thought there was some interesting discussion going on here ....

More discussion on the Plan B/NC letter sent by BS to WS

Starts about half way down page 5 through to end of page 7.


26 yrs. married
There's nothing more powerful than a woman with an open heart ......
Re: The Next Stage - Plan B, Protection Phase [Re: Vittoria] #178953
11/17/11 12:41 AM
11/17/11 12:41 AM
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This is 4, is it another thread?

Re: The Next Stage - Plan B, Protection Phase [Re: ] #178975
11/17/11 01:27 AM
11/17/11 01:27 AM
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Vittoria Offline
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Not this thread, the page numbers refer to the linked thread above.
hmm, should I scrap the page #'s cuz it's confusing, thought it would be more helpful if folks knew there were only 2-3 pages to read.

Nevermind, can't scrap it, the edit time has run out.

Does it make better sense now?


26 yrs. married
There's nothing more powerful than a woman with an open heart ......
Re: The Next Stage - Plan B, Protection Phase [Re: Vittoria] #179036
11/17/11 03:33 AM
11/17/11 03:33 AM
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yes it is a very good thread

Last edited by tinkerbell; 11/17/11 03:37 AM.
Re: The Next Stage - Plan B, Protection Phase [Re: Lil] #180340
11/21/11 03:17 AM
11/21/11 03:17 AM
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Originally Posted By: lildoggie
There is no time limit to Plan B. You go into it when you cant take the affair madness any more, and you stay there until either you recover your marriage OR become completely ambivalent about contact with the WS OR one of you dies.

As Mark said, Plan B is for the BS. It is a time to heal, to find yourself, and move to the next stage of your life, whether or not the WS is a part of that.


Hahahaa!!! I read that as it is for the BULL shinola!!.

And that is also correct. It removes it from your life. laugh


THE FOG comes
on little cat feet.

It sits looking
over harbor and city
on silent haunches
and then moves on....C. Sandburg


GOSH!!
GOLLY!!
Re: The Next Stage - Plan B, Protection Phase [Re: kimmie lee] #180433
11/21/11 04:47 AM
11/21/11 04:47 AM
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I have a headache



Last edited by tinkerbell; 11/21/11 04:47 AM.
Re: The Next Stage - Plan B, Protection Phase [Re: kimmie lee] #180506
11/21/11 06:50 AM
11/21/11 06:50 AM
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Lil Offline OP

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Originally Posted By: kimmie lee
Originally Posted By: lildoggie
There is no time limit to Plan B. You go into it when you cant take the affair madness any more, and you stay there until either you recover your marriage OR become completely ambivalent about contact with the WS OR one of you dies.

As Mark said, Plan B is for the BS. It is a time to heal, to find yourself, and move to the next stage of your life, whether or not the WS is a part of that.


Hahahaa!!! I read that as it is for the BULL shinola!!.

And that is also correct. It removes it from your life. laugh


Yeah, I did too way back when. Honestly, I cannot recommend plan B enough. It was hard, I didnt like it at the time, but it send a loud and clear message to my then WS to shape up or ship out. I dont know how my life would be now had he not decided to try recovery, but I can guess I would have been freaking awesome no matter what.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The Next Stage - Plan B, Protection Phase [Re: Lil] #189307
12/17/11 06:50 AM
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This is fitting

Re: The Next Stage - Plan B, Protection Phase [Re: MyRevelation] #202714
01/30/12 05:32 AM
01/30/12 05:32 AM
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im a bit confused about plan B letter.

in other words am i telling my H go ahead and enjoy your A and once she breaks up with you or u get tired of her you can contact me again to discuss reconciliation?

Re: The Next Stage - Plan B, Protection Phase [Re: oceanbreez] #202732
01/30/12 07:40 AM
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Lil Offline OP

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In essence.

Plan B is a part of a 2 part concept. They really need to go hand in hand to have much effect. In plan A you show your WS that you are still the person they initially fell in love with. Plan B takes that away from them.

HOWEVER...

it is not the only, or even the main reason for plan B.

The MAIN reason is to take the BS away from the WS in order to heal, and focus on only themself, and children if there are any. WS's suck the life out of the BS and the family.

So, think less that it's
Quote:
go ahead and enjoy your A and once she breaks up with you or u get tired of her you can contact me again to discuss reconciliation?
and more like

"go wallow in your nasty little fantasy world, risking losing any and all integrity, good name, and respect. When you wake up, read the letter and note the boundaries and pointers I have addressed as being essential to me. IF you do so, we may have a future. If not, bless your cotton sock, see ya in court."

But without being snippy and nasty smile

After all, there's no need to lower oneself. Be the better person.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The Next Stage - Plan B, Protection Phase [Re: Lil] #202760
01/30/12 01:43 PM
01/30/12 01:43 PM
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There's a thread here somewhere in the 'learning' sections that describes it better. Essentially, Plan B is what the betrayed spouse does when she finally is at her rope's end. When she says to herself, 'I can no longer wait for him. I'm moving on. IF he gives up his cheating and does all I need and IF I haven't already stopped loving and caring for him...MAYBE I would consider taking him back. But at this time, I never want to see him again.'

If you're not ready to never see him again, you're not ready for Plan B.

And keep reminding yourself, Plan B IS NOT A PLOY TO GET HIM TO WANT YOU BACK.

It is for YOU, to save YOUR dignity and self respect.

Re: The Next Stage - Plan B, Protection Phase [Re: catperson] #202977
01/30/12 11:06 PM
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More like a plan so you don't go insane from the destruction of your life for years

Re: The Next Stage - Plan B, Protection Phase [Re: ] #203077
01/31/12 03:35 AM
01/31/12 03:35 AM
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I understand its suppose to be for my own sake but the few letter examples i read here clearly states once you end your affair we can talk.

I want to make a letter but at the same time i dont want him to think he has the security of having me back if his affair ends. i want his conscious to eat him slowly for as long as the affair lasts.. how do i bring that up in the letter.

Re: The Next Stage - Plan B, Protection Phase [Re: oceanbreez] #203087
01/31/12 04:15 AM
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But you can't write a Plan B letter UNLESS you are WILLING to walk away and never see him again.

Otherwise, you will have to eat crow when you admit that you really AREN'T done.

IT IS NOT A TRICK TO GET HIM BACK. IT IS YOU BEING DONE WITH HIM.

Re: The Next Stage - Plan B, Protection Phase [Re: catperson] #203088
01/31/12 04:15 AM
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There's a sample Plan B in the 'instruction' areas somewhere.

Re: The Next Stage - Plan B, Protection Phase [Re: catperson] #203093
01/31/12 04:22 AM
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ok i get it now.. kinda!!!!!!!

Cat explain to me plz.. u say plan B is if you are totally done with him and never want to see him again. but the letter say once hes done with his A then we can reconcile? maybe im just not getting it plan B

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