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Re: ***Acey's Missing Pieces ~ Our Recovery Saga*** [Re: Ace] #181922
11/24/11 02:37 PM
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Hi Sunny,

Sorry it's taken me so long (again) to reply. You're right that H's degrading comments about OW were helpful. After reading your post, I noticed a glaring error in my post prior that I don't want to bug the mods about so I'll just correct it here now:

Originally Posted By: Ace

For me, the EA/PA issue was bad but the continued lies, gaslighting, entitlement and anger during the ensuing 6 months (3 false recoveries) were far worse.

Like I've mentioned often, the two silver threads that kept me hanging on were:

1) WH confessed to an EA 6 months years prior about which I would have never known, demonstrating his desire to become open and honest of his own volition.


The fact that my H confessed this when he did not need to was a tiny thing from his view but it was huge for me in my efforts to rebuild trust. That is an ongoing process....5 years later....but it still sustains me when I trigger over tiny things and pose huge doubts.

I need it now that my H told me that his company is giving him an ipad so he can work mostly from home. <sigh> That's what he was doing when he found OW...working (or trying to find a job) from home.

So the process continues. He has no choice in the matter so I may not disclose how his telling me initially triggered me. It's OK now but I didn't respond immediately when he told me on the phone. Maybe I'll bring it up as a point of progress when we see our MC for our "annual routine marriage maintenance" session in a few months.

Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: ***Acey's Missing Pieces ~ Our Recovery Saga*** [Re: Ace] #182471
11/26/11 07:14 PM
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Oooohhh, Acey, I can feel that trigger all these miles away. How fortunate that it didn't present itself till 5 years into recovery! (I think it's a God thing that it didn't.)

Mr. Ace has wrapped himself in his EPs for so long, I'm thinkin' it will be all right. Pretty sure he's aware that his work-at-home arrangment will give him yet another chance to prove himself trustworthy.

Just watch. You'll see. zen

Re: ***Acey's Missing Pieces ~ Our Recovery Saga*** [Re: right here waiting] #185190
12/05/11 02:35 PM
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Hi RHW,

You're right. I'm watching and seeing how it's going to work out all right.

My H's ipad will not allow him to work from home exclusively after all. Can't go into details here but in discussing the reasons with him, he appreciated my sharing that I like him being able to go to the office. The source of his success can only be found on the work PCs and now that all his co-workers have ipads, H can use a work PC anytime he needs to.

H's commute is opposite traffic so going to the office isn't really that big of a hassle. He's out in the field most of the time anyhow.

Get this: H was gone on our vacation for 2 weeks but his manager used him as an example of a get-it-done guy when H not only met quota but he may have even met bonus-quota as well. It helped that it was one of the few 5-week quota periods but still, being out of the loop for 2 full weeks (and the fact that we got back just before a 4 day holiday weekend) could have been used as an excuse to be a slacker.

H is feeling pretty good about work and vacation right now. Both were major accomplishments and that makes me feel great, too.

Again, thanks for the encouragement.

Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: ***Acey's Missing Pieces ~ Our Recovery Saga*** [Re: Ace] #185471
12/06/11 02:20 PM
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Originally Posted By: Ace
H not only met quota but he may have even met bonus-quota as well.

Last night I discovered that not only did H meet quota and bonus-quota but he was tied for top sales rep for the month while only working 3 of 5 weeks due to our vacation. Amazing.

Re: ***Acey's Missing Pieces ~ Our Recovery Saga*** [Re: Ace] #185519
12/06/11 04:46 PM
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Originally Posted By: Ace
Originally Posted By: Ace
H not only met quota but he may have even met bonus-quota as well.

Last night I discovered that not only did H meet quota and bonus-quota but he was tied for top sales rep for the month while only working 3 of 5 weeks due to our vacation. Amazing.


Acey, this is fantastic! Yay Mr. Ace!


Chrysalis
Re: ***Acey's Missing Pieces ~ Our Recovery Saga*** [Re: Chrysalis] #187791
12/12/11 12:41 AM
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Originally Posted By: Chrysalis

Acey, this is fantastic! Yay Mr. Ace!


Thanks, Chrys...it was fun that he was a real Mr. Ace on our vacation, too.
claps


Re: ***Acey's Missing Pieces ~ Our Recovery Saga*** [Re: Ace] #189117
12/16/11 01:27 PM
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Originally Posted By: Ace
... he appreciated my sharing that I like him being able to go to the office.


Without making a big deal out of H working at home or at the office, I seem to have renewed H's memory to merely inform me when he is going to (or presently is) working at home. It's amazing how this simple act rebuilds my trust in him.

Yesterday, H was stuck in traffic and decided to just go home instead of the office to finish his work. When he called to tell me, I merely said "thanks" and that was that.

Baby steps......<sigh>


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: ***Acey's Missing Pieces ~ Our Recovery Saga*** [Re: Ace] #190748
12/22/11 02:02 PM
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Ace, I love how you two are working together as a team on this. Happy holidays, and thanks for keeping us posted!


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: ***Acey's Missing Pieces ~ Our Recovery Saga*** [Re: NewEveryDay] #190882
12/22/11 08:39 PM
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Thanks, Neddie,

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and Happy New Year, too!

Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: *** "Quick Spigot" Strikes Again*** [Re: Ace] #210706
02/24/12 03:09 PM
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At the other place I started a thread asking if others ever have an experience I refer to as a "Quick Spigot Syndrome" because it involves a sudden drain of the entire love bank (or love bucket in my case) in one fell swoop.

My guess is because my FWH is on strike 5 and has been for over 5 years, this could be something only I have to deal with. I'll record it here for our annual MC session (whether we need it or not), usually around our anniversary time or the holidays. We were too busy to see MC during the holidays so I guess we'll wait for our summertime anniversary.

While setting up an appt. for our taxes, I went into H's email account to see if he had replied to our accountant but forgot to copy me. I've had all his email access info but seldom check his accounts any longer.

In his "sent" file, I noticed 2 messages to a baseball center so I clicked to see what the discussion was since it had not been mentioned. What I found was something that would affect him, me and our marriage and entire family if he followed through with the potential implications.

I debated on saying anything, hoping he would bring it up.

A couple days later, when the tax appt. came up, I casually commented about the exchange with the baseball center.

H was remorseful about forgetting to mention the discussion, saying, "I'm sorry, you're right, I should have told you at the time."

I replied, "OK, thanks, it was a surprise."

If the discussion had ended there, we would have been fine.

But......

....then he got defensive.

I just sat there as he continued trying to justify his "forgetting to tell me but not hiding it...."

"I didn't delete it."

"You could see it any time if you only looked."

His voice escalated.

"It's no big deal so I didn't think there was any need to mention it."

"I was never going to follow through so there was no need to say anything."

I just sat there as he continued ranting.

"You're not saying anything so I know you don't believe me...do I have to post it on Marriagebuilders or Marriageadvocates or go tell our MC so you'll know I'm telling the truth?"

It brought back memories of his anger and defensiveness during the previous multiple D-Days and I triggered to thinking (but not saying) "What else is he saying to whom that he isn't telling me about?"

And then came the grand finale....

He shouted, "I can never remember everything I'm supposed to do and say."

My love bucket just drained immediately to empty and I felt like I was done.

Then I gave up.

I quietly said, "Y'know, you're right. This is too hard. I have too high of expectations and it's not fair to you. We should end this now so the pressure's off and you don't have to do or say anything any longer."

I meant it and was prepared to follow through if he agreed.

To my surprise, he snapped out of his pity party as quickly as my love bucket had drained and he calmly said, "I do want to do it and say it because I want you, I want us and I want to stay married to you."

I just sat there.....listening.

Surprised him.

He kept apologizing for his outburst more than for his forgetfulness.

My love bank began filling back up but I didn't say anything.

He came over to me, apologized again, kissed me on the head, said he loved me and said he's going to bed.

After he left I just sat there, wondering what had just happened...

I came upstairs to shut the computer down, debated posting this but decided to go to bed.

The next morning, he apologized again and I accepted it and apologized for my part, too.

And the rollercoaster ride continues..... 5 years and counting.

Thanks for reading.

Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: *** "Quick Spigot" Strikes Again*** [Re: Ace] #210724
02/24/12 03:53 PM
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Thank you for sharing Ace (((())))


Married 22years (this year) ~13y since dday(?)
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Re: *** "Quick Spigot" Strikes Again*** [Re: Squeaky Tree] #210973
02/25/12 03:02 PM
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Thanks, ST.

After re-reading the above post, I realized that I posted on Lil's thread (about being too enmeshed) that I was going to ask my DH for his perspective.

I did.

His answer and what happened this week may be related so I'm recording it here in case we don't have anything to talk with MC about during our annual "Marriage Tune-Up" appointment (whether we need it or not) in a few months.


Originally Posted By: Ace #204636 - Sun Feb 05 2012 07:28 AM
Re: Can A Couple Become Too Enmeshed?



Interesting question, Lil.

I've been on both sides of the boat.

Totally isolated for many of our first 32 years of M.

Suddenly, we spent 10 days together 25/8 (yeah, I mean TO.GE.TH.ER. ALL THE TIME including:
Click to reveal..


Of course it was immediately after D-Day 4 when I dropped my rope and he picked it up and began to jump over it no matter how high I raised it.

It was one of the most intense "seasons" of our time together.

Amazing how we have gone on the same 10 day (now more like 15 day ) 'season' and it's really been fun.....great memories, some of the best. No fights. None. Yea!

In line with your question, I wonder how much of an impact the fact that we are NOT together much during our normal working days?

We are facing this now as we are making final plans for retirement (5-8 years from now) so we've been discussing what our days would be like when we no longer have to go away every day.

He knows I would spend more time with MA and I know he will get to go fishing as well as play baseball (now he has to choose and picks baseball). I'll probably go fishing with him, too - thanks Mark! (And I'll bring along my MA smart phone occasionally so we'll both have the best of both worlds.)

I don't have a smart phone yet on purpose but will by then.

To answer your question, I can't really answer it....yet. I like the times we get to spend together because they're so far and few between. If we were :::forced::: to be together all the time, I might feel differently.

He kinda likes me now, at least!

Ace


_________________________


Originally Posted By: Ace


Points well taken, LC. Maybe I'm in denial and need to wake up.

Hmmmmmmm........

I'll ask DH about his perspective. I'll probably be surprised!


_________________________



I forgot about saying Id ask DH whether if he thought its possible to spend too much time doing things with each other. So I asked him on the way to church that morning.

He thought for a moment and then said, Yes but didnt offer any explanation.

I asked what he meant.

I dont want you telling me all the things Im doing wrong all the time.

I got defensive because I honestly did not think I was still doing that. Do I still do that? I may have raised my voice because I was surprised as well as defensive.

Sometimes, and, possibly noting my defensiveness he added, you wanted me to be honest, right?

I wanted to ask for examples because I honestly could not think of a time in the recent few months when I openly said what I had been thinking regarding how he did or did not do things right or wrong.

I decided to think about it and listen to what else he had to say.

He said, For instance, when we got to baseball games, I dont think youd want to go into the locker room with me where all the guys are.

Uh, OK.

And I wouldnt want you with me on sales calls because youd be bored.

The last time we went fishing together, you cried when you caught a fish and insisted we throw it back.

Id forgotten.

I just found the story on Marks Fishing Thread. It apparently happened on April 30, 2008 but I didnt post about it until 6 months later:

Originally Posted By: Ace #2141987 - 10/15/08 08:36 AM
Re: Mark's MB Gone Fishin' Thread


Originally Posted By: Ace

April 30, 2008


************

Thanks for the fishing update, Mark.

We had a great time in the boat, but we caught things like intimate conversation, unleashed laughter, desire to keep fishing, and other fun things not expected. (The seaweed was expected, of course.)

Did anyone read between the tight lines that that's why I said I'd post it on the Smiles thread? No time yet, so I'll at least mention it here since it will be while before I can share details. It was definitely a SMILE!

Happy WEDNESDAY to all except RIF.....Happy Thurs. in a couple hours RIF!

Acey




DH and I were talking about fishing yesterday and bemoaning the fact that we only went out once this season. He asked "Do you remember why?"

I couldn't so I looked back on this thread, the Smiles thread and the Vacation thread and only found the above post.

Apparently, I never did post what happened to cause smiles....but DH reminded me yesterday what it was:

Tears.

Yep.

On opening day last spring, DH and I were having a great time and I caught one but lost it (and then I was glad it got away).

Within a few minutes I hooked another one. As we took the hook out of its mouth, I had a sudden wave of regret/remorse/PMS/hormonal attack wash over me and I looked at the poor little (13 incher) fish and started to cry.

DH didn't know whether to laugh or cry with me.

He started laughing.

It made it worse.

I begged him to throw it back.

We POJA'd that he'd put it on the stringer (off the back of the boat) and if I felt the same way when we were ready to leave he'd release it.

When the battery started to die and we slowed to a near crawl, I noticed that fishy wasn't fluttering around anymore.

I was mortified.

He had died.

I just cried.

But we took him home and ate him for dinner.

The End.


***************

Yesterday when I mentioned that I wished we could have gone fishing more, DH said "I didn't think you wanted to go anymore because the last time, when you caught a fish you cried."

I truly had forgotten.

It's been a traumatic spring/summer.

Maybe next year.....

Acey



No wonder the guy didnt want to take me fishing anymore.

I guess I should take some solace in the fact that he has not been fishing since then either. He plays on 4 baseball teams (while he still can play well) and that is more important to him than fishing for now.

His baseball.

Interesting dynamic.

When he has local games during spring and summer I seldom go watch him play. When his all-star teams go to the World Series across the country, I make all the arrangements and we spend nearly every waking moment together except for actual games/locker room stuff. If I was retired, I think Id go to all his local games with him..but that wont happen for 7-10 years.

He used to only play on 1 all-star team that attended a week-long World Series but his team has expanded to an additional "more mature" division and he is able to play on both, which extends our sports vacation to 16 days. (The older guys call themselves the "varsity" and refer to the younger guys as the "JV.")

Last year I could not leave in time for him to attend the first pre-tournament "JV" work-out but I told him to go a couple days early and Id follow. He insisted we go together so he waited and we took a red-eye flight immediately after my work, even stopping for a layover en route to have lunch with some cyber friends who had helped us save our marriage.

This year, I offered the same thing.
.and he took me up on it.

<sigh>

I probably would have preferred to have him wait and go with me again but I saw how hard it was for him to deal with red-eye flight fatigue plus cross country jet-lag last year so I totally understand his wanting to go on time and Ive booked our condo accordingly. My choice.

Back to this thread topic, Can a couple become too enmeshed?

One definition of enmeshed somewhat relates to my fishing story:

Originally Posted By: Dictionary.com
enmesh
&#8194; &#8194;&#603;n&#712;m&#603;&#643;Show Spelled[en-mesh] Show IPA
verb (used with object)
to catch, as in a net; entangle: He was enmeshed by financial difficulties.


If the meaning of enmeshed for this thread is to be tangled and unable to separate even if they wanted to, then I think the answer is yes, it is possible to become too entangled so one might lose their own identity.

If the meaning is doing things together by choice then it depends on the individual personalities of the couple so the answer could be "yes" or "no."

If the couple are newlywed soul mates who cant seem to get enough of each other then the answer for them might be no.

I think the latter scenario is very rare and realistically impossible for every marriage, but it is something to strive for, if one chooses to do so.

I think this discussion about "spending too much time together" relates to our recent challenge about my DH forgetting to tell me about his discussion with the baseball center.

It's his pattern to do things on his own until he can see a reason he needs to involve me.

My pattern is to want to be involved from the beginning.

Therein lies the challenge....and the solution, as well.

Now, if we could only find out what those solutions are....

....any thoughts?

Ace





We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: *** "Quick Spigot" Strikes Again*** [Re: Ace] #211116
02/25/12 11:33 PM
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You ate the fish you murdered!? eek

J/K

I am thinking of changing the name to that thread to something like being too entwined, since what I think is enmeshed, appears to not be what other do.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
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Re: *** "Quick Spigot" Strikes Again*** [Re: Lil] #211988
02/29/12 01:34 PM
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Originally Posted By: lildoggie
You ate the fish you murdered!? eek

J/K



Hi Lil,

Yep, floured it, flavored it with seasonings, fried it, flipped it over and split it (since it was our only catch that day). Once it quit floppin' around in the water behind our boat, it became merely food in my mind....weird, eh? dunno



On to other things....

The following was posted after an incident that happened at our Dave Ramsey class in the spring of 2010 as part of a "Healthy Habits" thread on MB. I'm thinking of starting a similar thread on the <<<Magnify Marriages>>> forum now that KT started a physical healthy habits thread. I thought I'd "park" it here as a segue to a solution to my own question that will affect our marital recovery: Spiritual Aspects

Originally Posted By: Ace #2372076 - 05/12/10 09:12 AM
Re: **Can HEALTHY HABIT$ Help Your Marriage Recover


******* Posted May 12, 2010 at MB (Recovery Forum) *******

Did any of you get my husband's mental-telepathic invitation to visit our living room Sunday night?

I had a meltdown and it wasnt pretty. He said I wish all your Marriage Builders friends were here" (I'm sure to hear the cr@p I was spewing) and I said that I wished they (you) were here, too.

The quick spigot on my love bank drained in one fell swoop and the ensuing emotional tidal wave swept me down Plan D Drive with a detour around Logical Lane into (job) Resignation Road, a dip into Home Sale Place and even a little stop on Suicide Street.

It started with a simple mis-speak on Saturday, followed by an exaggeration, then a stretched truth and finally an outright lie Sunday night at our Dave Ramsey class.

This has happened before but when Ive asked for clarification, he usually jumps up on A Avenue (Assessment, Acknowledgement of ownership, Apology, Amends, Acceptance of forgiveness).

Last night, however, he chose the D Division (Defensiveness, Denial, Diversion, Displaced blame) and it drove me down Plan D Drive. My choice, but a dead end, none-the-less.

It ended almost as simply as it started.

As I was contemplating where to start in my Plan D misery, he suddenly had an epiphany and climbed up to Spiritual Expressway, suddenly becoming a cool, calm, spiritual leader softly explaining how it appeared that the enemy was trying to drive us apart because we are on the verge of major breakthroughs in both our spiritual and financial challenges.

It was if he had regained his previous leadership he has maintained during most of our conflicts over the last 3 years. He apologized sincerely (like I had hoped he would before). As he calmly held out his hand, asking if I would pray with him, I squelched my pride, realizing that he had taken on the firm leadership role I had expected and wanted. And the best part was that I had not forced him into it; when I shut up he had transitioned all on his own!

I extended my hand still hidden deeply in the pocket of my robe, which made him grin. It must have turned up the corners of my mouth, too because he said Its so nice to see you smileI truly want you to be happy and I want to spend my entire life with you because I love you (or something like that.)

So we prayed ... and then (and now) we begin to move on..a little more scarred but a whole lot stronger, too.

**************

Being an emotional eater, trials such as this usually give me a feeling of entitlement and an ensuing eating binge. Fortunately that did not happen this time. I'd like to think that it's because I'm in better control but I'm guessing it was because it happened really fast ~~~ about an hour from "in love, to Plan D, to prayer and back to in love."

Now that our Financial Health is starting down the road to recovery and could take as many years to fix as it took to break, I realize how important our Spiritual Health is to our overall marital recovery, with or without financial health.

I'm embarassed to admit that I did not consider prayer one time in the midst of my meltdown. But I'm grateful that my husband did.

Why and how?

It appears that his Spiritual Habits are healthier than mine because of his choices. Fortunately this is something I can control by choosing to change myself......again. <sigh>

.............................................
###


We need to focus on the Spiritual aspect of our relationship....well, at least I do when these challenges come up.

I'd forgotten about this post but it's helping me now, nearly two years after I initially submitted it.

Ace



We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: *** "Quick Spigot" Strikes Again*** [Re: Ace] #244941
07/04/12 03:23 PM
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Originally Posted By: Ace on Feb. 24, 2012
At the other place I started a thread asking if others ever have an experience I refer to as a "Quick Spigot Syndrome" because it involves a sudden drain of the entire love bank (or love bucket in my case) in one fell swoop.

My guess is because my FWH is on strike 5 and has been for over 5 years, this could be something only I have to deal with. I'll record it here for our annual MC session (whether we need it or not), usually around our anniversary time or the holidays. We were too busy to see MC during the holidays so I guess we'll wait for our summertime anniversary.



Since we didn't go to MC for our "marital tune-up" during the holidays, I'm glad I posted about this 4 months ago because I'd forgotten about it.

H suggested calling MC a couple weeks ago but we settled things ourselves. Not proud of the way it developed but in the end, it seems to have worked.

Had another "Quick Spigot Drain" episode which, when it happened in the past, I would have stopped talking and suggested we call MC.

Because H suggested it, my LB filled up again to where it seems to have taken care of itself....for now, at least.

It involved another perception indiscretion with H's health. He went to his doctor for an issue before telling me about it.

Why?

Because he said I would have yelled at him like I always do.

When I asked him for specifics, he could not recall one instance of my yelling at him for informing me of something related to health (or about anything for that matter), so he softened and apologized.

But not until after I had spent many agonizing moments searching my suddenly-shattered-memories (of what I perceived to be progress) trying to pinpoint something that may have perpetuated his accusations.

I thought I was making successful efforts at listening and acknowleding without judgements. <sigh>

He eventually admitted that I was/am doing much better and he's not sure why he gaslighted me.

He did offer to call MC in the midst but (here's the part I'm not proud of) I honestly said <at the moment> "why bother?"

Maybe that surprised him....I don't know.

I'm gonna have to dig to find out when the last time we saw MC was because I honestly do NOT remember but I think it's been over a year. So much for our "annual marital tune-up whether we need it or not."

Maybe we don't need it but I hope it's for the right reasons.

Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: *** "Quick Spigot" Strikes Again*** [Re: Ace] #245625
07/07/12 04:06 PM
07/07/12 04:06 PM
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Lifechoice Offline
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I'm glad you were able to work things out. It must feel good to see the progress.

Re: *** "Quick Spigot" Strikes Again*** [Re: Lifechoice] #248425
07/21/12 07:25 PM
07/21/12 07:25 PM
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Ace Offline OP
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Ace  Offline OP
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Thanks, LC.

Progress.

It's a word I use tentatively.


:::KNOCK ON WOOD:::

We may have turned a corner. One thing for sure is that something just happened that resulted in a different dance, so to speak.

In the past, if I accidentally found something that didnt make sense, I would usually freak out and jump to conclusions. I eventually progressed to where I asked H about it and THEN freaked out and jumped to conclusions.

As I posted on July 4th above, Ive progressed (or regressed, depending on your POV) to just becoming indifferent and not caring. H offered to call MC, the first time hes done that since the beginning of our recovery. That may be why our recovery seemed to stall.he quit doing his share and left it up to me to do the heavy lifiting..until our July 4th confrontation.

Heres what happened this week.

I accidentally logged into Hs email account and while there I decided to check his sent box. Two recent messages were to an online company that showed that 1) H had a secret credit card and 2) he had paid for what appeared to be the initial fee for a get-rich-quick scheme.again. (Im very wary of all too-good-to-be-true offers but H likes to check them out and has gotten us burned many times over the years. I decline all, but H was so intent on joining one about 20 years ago that he forged my name on the application. I found out when the company called to verify my date of birth.)

:::Sigh:::

Since H cheated 6 years ago, we have had a commitment to full disclosure of all financial dealings and Ive been working on my efforts to make it safe for H to tell me stuff that may be questionable. Sometimes Ive been successful but other times, not.

This week I had to wait a couple nights before asking H about the emails. I managed to keep my tone inquisitive and not accusatory as in the past. He immediately logged onto his account and said he had won a $100 gift card at work and signed up for a program everyone was doingbut he didnt know why he sent those messages without telling me.

In the past, I might have reacted badly but this time I accomplished 2 things:

I. I. Was. Silent.
II. I. Remained. Expressionless

H put away his Ipad and then came and sat beside me.

I kept my mouth shut and did not grimace one time.

H seemed remorseful and softly said, I am so sorry. I should have told you. I dont know why I didnt.

I said, Do I make it safe for you to tell me?

He said, Its not you, you have been great.its me.

I stayed silent and expressionless whereas in the past I might have pounded him (his term) and pressed him for answers.

He surprised me with I need your help to keep me accountable.

He said that it happened at a time when his work environment was so unstable that we had discussed updating his resume. This option caught him at a vulnerable time when he was afraid hed be looking for a job again and could not adequately provide for his family. The guys at work had said the online option was a sure thing and he was swayed by the thought of being able to create a semi-cu$hion if he was forced to resign like some of his co-workers did.

The last time this happened he had been fired and while looking online for another job, he found OW. I should be grateful that this time he merely used a contest prize to sign up for a fairly harmless online opportunity.

Fortunately, the work challenges were resolved rather quickly but unfortunately H forgot all about the online program and the money he wasted just to see what it was.

I hate that my first thoughts when I find something like this is what else is he not telling me or whats he lying about? I managed to suppress the inclination to ask and the desire to pound him into submission.

The dance steps that are changing relate to:
1. his remorsefulness,
2. his willingness to admit and own his errors,
3. his initialing the discussion to talk openly about solutions,
4. his desire to have me help him overcome his FOO issues with deceptiveness and
5. our mutual decision to help keep each other accountable every day.

I think Im getting a taste of what it might feel like to progress from being IN recovery to being recoverED.

Time will tell.

In the meantime, if anyone knows of an article about the progression from Recovery to RecoverED, please provide a link.

Thanks,
Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: *** "Quick Spigot" Strikes Again*** [Re: Ace] #250248
08/03/12 01:21 PM
08/03/12 01:21 PM
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NewEveryDay Offline
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Ace, thanks for the snapshot in. I guess I had the idea that once you were in recovery, it was all sweetness and light from there. You keep me grounded, remind me that life still happens. I like how you two are treating one another as teammates to work through it together, viewing the behavior as the adversary, not one another. That's huge.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: *** "Quick Spigot" Strikes Again*** [Re: NewEveryDay] #250272
08/03/12 05:45 PM
08/03/12 05:45 PM
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believer Offline
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Recovering, recovered, semi-recovered, semi-recovering, almost recovered, almost, recovering, about to be recovered, about to be recovering... and on and on...

For me, as long as each partner is contributing to recovery...

all is as it should be!


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: *** "Quick Spigot" Strikes Again*** [Re: believer] #251115
08/08/12 06:16 PM
08/08/12 06:16 PM
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star*fish Offline
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Ace,

This is a fantastic update despite the new challenges. I'll look for an article about the "ed" in recovery smile

In the meantime...I am reading a book that both you and H should share together...it is life changing. In fact, there's a discussion group here talking about it "Leadership and Self Deception". Buy it.

((((((((ace)))))))))


"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: *** "Quick Spigot" Strikes Again*** [Re: star*fish] #251234
08/09/12 02:03 PM
08/09/12 02:03 PM
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Ace Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: star*fish
In fact, there's a discussion group here talking about it "Leadership and Self Deception". Buy it.

((((((((ace)))))))))


Thanks for the suggestion and the hugz, Star. I tried to find the discussion on the Program, Forum and Book threads but could not. Could you provide a link? I'll look for the book.

Thanks,
Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: *** "A Migration of the Missing Pieces" *** [Re: Ace] #251235
08/09/12 02:06 PM
08/09/12 02:06 PM
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Ace Offline OP
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Ace  Offline OP
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It may be time to change the subtitle since it seems we may have stumbled upon some of the missing pieces.

Again, time will tell.

Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: *** "A Migration of the Missing Pieces" *** [Re: Ace] #251292
08/09/12 06:36 PM
08/09/12 06:36 PM
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Praying4hubby Offline
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May I ask, the kind of dance you do with your husband. How did you personally change yourself to stop this dance?



BW-34
WH-34
Married 10 years
DD-August 2010
Divorced May 10, 2012.
Kids - 7-D, 5-S, and 2 -D
Re: *** "Quick Spigot" Strikes Again*** [Re: Ace] #251296
08/09/12 07:08 PM
08/09/12 07:08 PM
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right here waiting Offline
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Hi Acey. The book Star mentioned is from the folks at Arbinger Institute, an organization (it seems to me) dedicated to helping people see themselves really clearly, as opposed to the prism we typically use to justify ourselves in ways great and small. Those folks inhabit a different plane...kinda like the Dalai Lama, to me, anyway.

I haven't seen a discussion on Leadership & Self Deception, but there's one on another one of their books, Anatomy of Peace, here.

All the books from this place lead to the reader's innermost places and encourage review.

I read Anatomy of Peace recently. It's focused on how we betray ourselves in ways great and small. How we "self deceive."

I've started "Bonds That Make Us Free," by C. Terry Warner, one of Arbinger's founders. It seems similar.


Last edited by right here waiting; 08/09/12 07:44 PM. Reason: add book name
Re: *** "A Migration of the Missing Pieces" *** [Re: Praying4hubby] #251390
08/10/12 02:10 PM
08/10/12 02:10 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,535
Ace Offline OP
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Ace  Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Praying4hubby
May I ask, the kind of dance you do with your husband. How did you personally change yourself to stop this dance?



Thanks for asking, P4H,

I have no time now but will share more over the weekend. In the meantime, feel free to read the link attached to my sig line to see how dysfunctional we were and how far we've come.

Thanks,
Ace

P.S. Thanks for the tips, RHW. Will check into the info soon.


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
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