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Re: *** "A Migration of the Missing Pieces" *** [Re: Praying4hubby] #251587
08/11/12 03:09 PM
08/11/12 03:09 PM
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Originally Posted By: Praying4hubby
May I ask, the kind of dance you do with your husband. How did you personally change yourself to stop this dance?



1. After H's A, after our investing over a thousand dollars into a role-playing experience with a soft-MC (who knew nothing about affair recovery), and after multiple false recoveries, I took a long hard look at myself and where I was (as well as where I might be going). I didn't like what I saw.

2. That MC suggested reading Not Just Friends by Dr. Glass and I used that book to try to change my H. Not only did he NOT like it, it didn't work real well.....ahhhh, I mean, it didn't work at all.

3. After a 3rd false recovery, I went to the book store and found Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley and his daughter Dr. Chalmers and we started reading it together. Then we read His Needs, Her Needs....and while reading that, H secretly started playing his/OW's online game, trying to see if she was there and if he could resist her if he found her.

4. After the history button proved that we experienced what I later discovered was a 4th D-Day, I quit trying. Gave up. Told H to leave (actually, he said he'd leave and I said "fine.")

5. As related on my blog linked to the sig line, we were scheduled to leave on a 10 day vacation in a few hours and I gave in when H grovelled for another chance because I had told an elderly family friend that we would visit her and I couldn't bear the thought potential guilt if something happened to her before we were able to visit her again.

6. I gave H an ultimatum. 10 days....change (be truthful and stop anger) or we're done.

7. We read Love Busters by Dr. Harley in our hotel room during our 10 day vacation (except for 10 golden guys baseball games) and I realized that I was committing most, if not all of those love busters. (If I can find a LB book review on MA, I'll link it later.)

8. I discovered the MB web site from the books and started reading there regularly. One day, I stumbled onto the discussion forum and read about Chrisner's journey and was very impressed with a poster named Star*fish and the input she gave him. Plus, Chrisner was downright funny even in his pain.

9. A few weeks later, I registered on the MB forums to seek advice for how to rebuild trust after multiple false recoveries. It took several hours before a poster named Artor answered my original post but that was the beginning of my seeking help to change myself.

10. After discovering that I was a worse gaslighter and passive aggressive spouse than my H, I sought out the posters who seemed to be the toughest to help me change myself. Although she doesn't post here much now, one of the posters who helped me most was LovingAnyway, one of the founders/owners of this site.

In a nutshell, that's what I did. I also swallowed my pride often and admitted my errors and offered apologies and determined to show I was changing. Amazingly, my H began to do the same.

Regarding our "dance" I regularly vented to posters I "met" online via email and the one who helped me see how to change my dance was LifeChoice. She referred me to CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) concepts and those were helpful, too. I learned that we train others on how to treat us by having (or not having) boundaries that we choose to enforce (or not). That's a huge key that opened many doors for change in me and subsequently in my H's choosing to change, too.

There's much more I will possibly be able to add later but that's the start. Again, thanks for asking. It's good for me to re-think our journey and hopefully our experiences over the past 5 years will be helpful to others.

Ace

P.S. The best book from MB for marriage growth IMVHO is Fall in Love, Stay in Love by Dr. Harley.

Last edited by Ace; 08/11/12 03:39 PM. Reason: add link to FIL, SIL review on MA

We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: *** "A Migration of the Missing Pieces" *** [Re: Ace] #252626
08/17/12 07:51 PM
08/17/12 07:51 PM
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Originally Posted By: Ace
Although she doesn't post here much now, one of the posters who helped me most was LovingAnyway, one of the founders/owners of this site.


She helped me a lot too. There were changes I needed to make and I was seeing them and working my side of the street. If XH had not been a seriel cheater I think our marriage could have survived.

The line that helped me most with LA was when she said in a post to me, 'I give up.' That stunned me...made me see that I was being stubborn to my own detriment.

Re: *** "Quick Spigot" Strikes Again*** [Re: Ace] #252891
08/20/12 02:44 PM
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Quote:
I hate that my first thoughts when I find something like this is what else is he not telling me or whats he lying about? I managed to suppress the inclination to ask and the desire to pound him into submission.


Good for you Ace! All we can do is hope someday our H's "get it" that even a small thing hidden is a big deal in terms of trust, but since we can only control our end of it, how we react is going to be the key.

Quote:
Regarding our "dance" I regularly vented to posters I "met" online via email and the one who helped me see how to change my dance was LifeChoice. She referred me to CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) concepts and those were helpful, too. I learned that we train others on how to treat us by having (or not having) boundaries that we choose to enforce (or not). That's a huge key that opened many doors for change in me and subsequently in my H's choosing to change, too.


So glad I decided to read here this morning because I was just thinking about dance steps and how occasionally I fall back to my old ones that aren't very helpful in my marriage.

It serves as a reminder that even though both Docp and I have changed our steps it is still possible to go back to doing things the old way. We both then need to regroup and work on getting it right again. I say that because that is what I saw you and your DH did in what you posted about the emails. When he fell back on his old ways, you reacted differently hence having him respond differently. For me, lately I find myself responding my old way to things he does.

Early on in changing the steps I remember it being very frustrating when I changed my steps and he didn't respond the way I wanted him to smile. Now that we have been at this a while he knows the drill. What I have found lately is it's me falling back on some of my old ways of reacting to things he does and I need to work on my dance steps again. The nice thing is being able to recognize the unhealthy steps, acknowledge them to him and get it right next time.

Re: *** "Quick Spigot" Strikes Again*** [Re: star*fish] #252892
08/20/12 02:48 PM
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Originally Posted By: star*fish
In the meantime...I am reading a book that both you and H should share together...it is life changing. In fact, there's a discussion group here talking about it "Leadership and Self Deception". Buy it.


I think I need to read this too. My library has it in print and ebook formats. I will be downloading it today.

Re: *** "A Migration of the Missing Pieces" *** [Re: Praying4hubby] #255877
09/10/12 12:54 PM
09/10/12 12:54 PM
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Originally Posted By: Praying4hubby
May I ask, the kind of dance you do with your husband. How did you personally change yourself to stop this dance?



Hi P4H,

I just read your update on your thread and appreciate your asking about our dance. Hope you saw that I replied, even if it was on a subsequent page.

Hey SW and LC,

Sorry it's taken me so long to reply to you both.

"I give up" are stunning words to absorb, SW and they were useful in helping my then-soon-to-be-X choose to change.

LC, how's the dance going? I'm going to look for the Leadership & Self Deception book soon. Did you download and read it yet?

Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: *** "A Migration of the Missing Pieces" *** [Re: Ace] #260034
10/07/12 02:20 AM
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55/4600

Got an Amazon gift card so I'm looking forward to ordering the Leadership & Self-deception book. Anyone else in the process of reading it?

Re: *** "A Migration of the Missing Pieces" *** [Re: Ace] #261052
10/13/12 10:15 PM
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B just posted an article from the Surviving Infidelity website entitled The Life Boat which gave me a new "Ah Hah" moment.

I've been told that many doubt my story which I've shared on MB and here on MA. Since it's the truth, I don't really care if it seems unbelievable since we get to live it when many never get to experience recovery.

At times, I wonder how we ever got started on the road to recovery given our rocky history and the massive self-irritants (my own made-up term to describe the level of passive-aggressiveness and gas-lighting) in which we were both engaged.

How did we endure the past 6 years without anti-depressants, group therapy or professional intervention?

Two, now 3 resources: MB, MC, MA...in that order.

First, though, the Life Boat illustration revealed one major reason our scenario was different from most garden-variety betrayals.....well, actually there are two reasons:

H's betrayal was emotionally charged but the sexual aspect was limited to the non-physical-contact kind. They only engaged in e-sex and phone sex and never met each other in person because we live across the country from OW/OWH.

Secondly, my mindset was unlike most betrayed spouses. Like the scripture (Romans 4:17) says "call things which be not as though they were," I was hoping my H would cheat so I would have a justifiable reason to dump him.

Honestly, I'm not sure I could have taken the challenge to fight to recover our family had my then-WH physically consummated his fantasy with OW. My guess is that OW used that fact to deny she was a cheater to her BH. I'll never know and I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I am curious to know if they are still together. Shortly after we began recovery, my H said OW was probably already cheating with some other guy. At the time, that unsolicited comment was of some comfort.

So how does this "Ah Hah" moment affect our recovery?

It provides part of a missing piece, one explanation of how I've been able to endure without taking anti-depressants. If I had been blindsided by betrayal news that I neither expected nor wanted, my mindset would have been far different. At times, I'm embarrassed to say that H's E/PA was wanted but it was far from expected.

It also gave (and still gives) me a source of confidence that allowed me to issue an ultimatum that has produced positive results so far. The fact that my H knows I can AND WILL follow through makes our ultimatum successful. IMVHO, poor planning and lack of perceived potential or determination to follow through will doom an ultimatum.

***

On a related note, a good memory is usually an asset....except when it comes to overcoming triggers. Many moons ago in another world, my friend ohmy_marie suggested that I reclaim those triggers instead of trying to forget them. The idea as I understood it was to re-experience triggers from a different perspective. Marie and others said that the new memories of formerly bad reminders will overshadow the trigger so it can be reclaimed.

Tomorrow is the date of the Broadway production of the soundtrack CD that OW sent to then-WH which he never cared to open. In fact I sent it back to OW in the delayed exposure packet to OWH over 5 and a half years ago.

I've heard that the show is one of the best and I'm looking forward to seeing it with DD-30-something. Neither she nor H have any idea how difficult this process is but I'm looking forward to it nonetheless.

Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: *** "A Migration of the Missing Pieces" *** [Re: Ace] #262458
10/27/12 10:11 PM
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Had another mini-breakthrough in our recovery. This deals with the "need-to-know WHY?" issues which are often unanswerable.

H got a call from a friend we haven't heard from in years $eeking help. I suggested we contact the friend's wife who we discovered had D'd the friend several years ago because he wouldn't quit lying amongst other reasons.

I asked H what finally convinced him to quit lying, hoping he might be able to relate to this friend but not expecting he would have an answer.

But he did!

He said, "I just realized that you and kids were more important than my need to lie so I quit lying."

He also said that when I made it safe for him to tell the truth (by not going nutzo every time), it made it easier.

The difficult part for me was whenever he screwed up (and I discovered it before he admitted it), I bit my tongue when he finally got around to confessing and apologizing.

By my confessing and apologizing when I messed up, H and I were (and are) increasingly able to remain intimate and in harmony....for most of the time.


Regarding the triggers from the musical we attended 2 weeks ago, things were fine. DD and I had a great time. I still don't like the title and some of the themes but the production was exceptional and well received. Now I have new memories of the event and can listen to the soundtrack without any pain. YEA!


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: *** "A Migration of the Missing Pieces" *** [Re: Ace] #263144
11/03/12 01:34 PM
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Hi acey

Great to hear this update, you do have a strange and wonderful story and I love how you keep moving together.

How are the healthy habits? (if that isn't a TJ)


Married 22years (this year) ~13y since dday(?)
DD17 DS14
Which way do you like yourself? ~ Stosny
Re: *** "A Migration of the Missing Pieces" *** [Re: Squeaky Tree] #263163
11/03/12 11:18 PM
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Originally Posted By: Squeaky Tree

How are the healthy habits? (if that isn't a TJ)


Thanks for asking, ST and your question fits in with some new pieces in our recovery that were not a part of it when I started this thread.

I can't share specifics on a public forum but if anyone else is interested, let me know and I'll include you when I PM health challenge details to ST tomorrow.

Acey


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: *** "A Migration of the Missing Pieces" *** [Re: Ace] #263175
11/04/12 02:11 PM
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my helth chalenges mean i have to use a wreles keybrd but battries are dead. sorry my one finger blindd typing sucks...will get datteries and post tonite

Last edited by Ace; 11/04/12 02:51 PM. Reason: 60/5055
Re: *** "A Migration of the Missing Pieces" *** [Re: Ace] #265607
11/23/12 08:17 PM
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Originally Posted By: Ace
my helth chalenges mean i have to use a wreles keybrd but battries are dead. sorry my one finger blindd typing sucks...will get datteries and post tonite


Sorry I forgot to return as promised.

I did find something that relates to our recovery.

Originally Posted By: Ace on the MB recovery forum in August 2007

Ace_in_bucket Member (Reged: Jan 14 2007 ~ Posts: 1373
Re: *****TRIALS and SMILES***** Epiphanies produce insights with new "AHAH!" moments #3289988 - Fri Aug 10 2007 07:17 AM


Gotta post these epiphanies before I forget them. (If that happens, I guess they wouldn't have actually been epiphanies, would they???? )

MC said:


Quote:


"Own it, state your fear"

"Choose which path you want to take"

"Quit holding your husband hostage to the past."





He said I did a good job owning my fears (lawn incident).

Then FWH said he often got discouraged when I triggered and seemed to just give up.

Actually, when I misperceived his "lack of proper reaction" (or he did NOT react like I EXPECTED him to) I would keep trying to get the "proper reaction" by increasing my 'ugliness'.....and just blame it on 'a trigger'.

Last week, (before the lawn incident) I actually said things that even I could not believe came out of my mouth. We had a 'discussion' about a family matter that H seemed to minimize (in my eyes) and when I asked him nicely about it (or so I thought), he got defensive, sarcastic and short with me...~~~~>trigger<~~~~~like last summer when he was still connected to that OW but doing and saying all the right things to me.

I said "Just get it over with....go ahead, reconnect with her so I don't have to wonder anymore."

FWH said that it hurts him when I do that and he slides back into thinking that nothing he ever does will ever be good enough....that my bar of approval is too high.

MC did not flinch.

He merely said, "Picture a pool of sewage, a scummy, broiling, gunky mass....

That's what your A has created...

...Her trigger is like a stick, stirring up the gassy sediment on the bottom....which then has to erupt on the top in a stinky, foul bubble that permeates the air.

Has to happen....it's inevitable.

So ya do the same thing you do with any other unpleasant odor.....excuse yourself, wave it away and it hope it dissapates quickly. It will go away harmlessly.....eventually....if you quit stirring."


Epiphany #1: QUIT STIRRING THE SEWAGE AFTER OFF-GASSING.

MC said I may off-gas (sounds gross but it's true) for the rest of our marriage.....should decrease with time but could happen. I will try to off-gas on MB...right here on this thread. Even if no one reads it, at least I'll get the hot stinky air out so there's less to stir with Mr. Romance. (And if ya do read it and I deserve tubing, I trust you will care enough to tube me. )

Epiphany #2: QUIT HOLDING FWH HOSTAGE TO THE PAST.

If I want a better future, I need to quit referring to the past. I think I got it, LA! Mr. Romance giggled and chuckled at my attempts to twist my usual 'negative warnings' into 'positive projections'. AAAAANNNNDDDD, he is now making an effort to change things about his reactions, too.

Epiphany #3: CHOOSE MY PATH OF PREFERENCE:

I decide my future....even if the foundation was set without my approval. If I don't want the results of the past, I (and only I) choose not to go there.

Epiphany #4: REINVENT MY LIFE TO PURSUE MY PASSIONS AND USE THEM TO INSPIRE OTHER PEOPLE.

My passions involve becoming a godly woman, wife & mother; using my gifts to my potential; leaving a legacy of love.

Specifically, marriage, media, financial literacy education.

I've had a vision of being out of debt even when we reached (?) 6 figures. Then I've seen us using this 'miracle' to inspire others. By the end of summer, (yikes only 3 weeks) I'm praying I'll have something to report on this vision.

In the meantime, I've started a GQII thread AFFAIR$ $UCK, hoping to help lurkers visualize what their fleeting moments of pleasure may actually produce in the big picture BEFORE they take the "A" train to "Betrayedville" and end up in financial h@\\.

Also...that thread will give us off-ga$$ers a chance to stir our pot$ here on MB instead of with our spouses.

MC/FWH decided together that we will see MC in 6 weeks (not 2 or 4.....gasp!). I just realized that that impulsive 'gasp' was an act of clinging to the past.

Fear.

Check that statement. I'll try again:

I am grateful and honored that my FWH and I are growing so strong in our love for each other that we get to fly with our new wings for 6 whole weeks without MC's net.

Ace
August 10, 2007, one year after D-Day #3

*****

This list of epiphanies was something I vaguely recalled in our early recovery and I'm happy that I found it accidentally so I could add it to this collection of missing pieces that are falling into place.


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: *** "A Migration of the Missing Pieces" *** [Re: Ace] #276230
01/27/13 01:52 AM
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Yea! I've been challenged on the peer counseling forum thread. I'm moving my response to my own recovery thread so as not to TJ Lil's and FH's discussion thread....again.


Originally Posted By: ForeverHers
Originally Posted By: Ace

I vowed to love my husband but that love dwindled over the years to the point that I wanted him to cheat so I had a justifiable reason to divorce him. Justifiable by whose measures? The Bible.


I would disagree with this. What appears to have been happening is an attempt to USE the Bible to mean something different than what it says. That sort of thing is done frequently by some people who want to "justify" their actions while ignoring what the Bible says "in toto." It is, in effect, taking a verse out of the context of the entirety of Scripture to "make it say what I want it to say." It is just another form of attempting to blame someone else for our actions, our wants and desires, so that we can "feel better" when the "deed is done" and we are divorced.

In short, like most things, it's just looking for a "viable" excuse to rationalize and justify behaviors we are choosing or have already chosen.

Of course, if someone is not a believer, anything the "Bible says" would be unimportant anyway, so these comments are by necessity restricted to those who profess to be believers.


This may be true in many aspects of our case. H's lying, gas lighting and passive aggressive behaviors were more than I could handle after decades of trying everything to get help. H would go with me to MC but do the opposite of what he said after we left the session. We read books, listened to tapes, watched videos, did MC, IC, attended retreats, (and advances), marriage workshops, marriage conferences and marriage classes. Ironically, it was at a huge one-day marriage seminar that H's condescending attitude and emotional abuse became overwhelming and I gave up. I secretly began to get my ducks in a row to start over in my early 50's.

Two years later, H cheated and we had massive withdrawal to deal with which led to 3 subsequent false recoveries over the next 6 months. After reading Surviving an Affair by W. Harley, I found the MB web site and subsequently the discussion forums.

After posting on MB, I learned that I, too, had been passive aggressive and I needed to change.

Once I starting changing, H became inspired to make choices to change, too. We both had been waiting for the other to change, and, like FH said, justifying our own behaviors we had already chosen. We also blamed each other for the resulting dysfunction. What a viscous cycle.

This is a never-ending journey but I look forward to learning more and more as we go. Thanks for your challenging input, FH.

Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: *** "A Migration of the Missing Pieces" *** [Re: Ace] #277235
02/01/13 02:53 PM
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Anytime, Ace, especially if you find it helpful to you.


In Christ-like love at all times.

So that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. (2Cor 1:4b)

Re: *** "A Migration of the Missing Pieces" *** [Re: ForeverHers] #277597
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Ace how did you change to address your husbands passive aggressiveness? What I read on this is they have the maturity level of a teenager so trying to reason with them and get them to care for you is difficult unless you give them something first. Did you have to give into your husbands demands, independent behavior and selfishness over a time period before he turned himself around? How does one change themselves around this kind of wayward when it is emotionally exhausting to the spouse? It can make sane person turn to drinking to deal with this kind of cruelty.

Last edited by Praying4hubby; 02/03/13 04:49 PM.

BW-34
WH-34
Married 10 years
DD-August 2010
Divorced May 10, 2012.
Kids - 7-D, 5-S, and 2 -D
Re: *** "A Migration of the Missing Pieces" *** [Re: Praying4hubby] #277968
02/05/13 03:39 PM
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Originally Posted By: Praying4hubby
Ace how did you change to address your husbands passive aggressiveness? What I read on this is they have the maturity level of a teenager so trying to reason with them and get them to care for you is difficult unless you give them something first. Did you have to give into your husbands demands, independent behavior and selfishness over a time period before he turned himself around? How does one change themselves around this kind of wayward when it is emotionally exhausting to the spouse? It can make sane person turn to drinking to deal with this kind of cruelty.


Hi P4H,

To answer your first question, "I didn't." I changed to make my self a better person, NOT to address my H's PA behaviors.

He noticed.

He liked the changes in me.

Then he chose to change.

Will reply more later but that's the difference.


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: *** "A Migration of the Missing Pieces" *** [Re: Ace] #277969
02/05/13 03:44 PM
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Originally Posted By: Ace


Hi P4H,

To answer your first question, "I didn't." I changed to make my self a better person, NOT to address my H's PA behaviors.

He noticed.

He liked the changes in me.

Then he chose to change.

Will reply more later but that's the difference.


I'd be very interested to know more about this as well, since this is something I am definitely dealing with. What did you change about you first? How did this progress? Did you get much "pushback" when you changed things that affected him?


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: *** "A Migration of the Missing Pieces" *** [Re: Ace] #278000
02/05/13 05:16 PM
02/05/13 05:16 PM
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Originally Posted By: Praying4hubby
Ace how did you change to address your husbands passive aggressiveness? What I read on this is they have the maturity level of a teenager so trying to reason with them and get them to care for you is difficult unless you give them something first. Did you have to give into your husbands demands, independent behavior and selfishness over a time period before he turned himself around?


I'm not Ace, but I hope it's ok if I jump in here. I would think "giving in to their demands, IB and selfishness" would be the exact *wrong* thing to do. I would advocate firm boundaries, giving respect but expecting to be treated with respect. If you don't respect yourself and expect to be respected, others won't respect you and they won't feel attracted to you.


42.
Re: *** "A Migration of the Missing Pieces" *** [Re: Miranda] #278275
02/06/13 03:21 PM
02/06/13 03:21 PM
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Originally Posted By: Miranda
What did you change about you first? How did this progress? Did you get much "pushback" when you changed things that affected him?


Hi Miranda,

So sorry so pressed for time. Hopefully I'll be able to write more over the weekend.

The first thing I changed about ME was that I realized that I needed help and sought it.

The second thing I changed was that I listened to (and did NOT discredit) the things I was hearing from the folks from whom I had requested help. (I force-ably had to strike the word "....but..." from my vocabulary during this process.)

Jayne's response to P4H answers another part of my changes. The concept of boundaries to protect myself were new to me. That was an important step.

As far as pushback, I didn't notice it as much because my motivation was to change for me, not change "for him." I became a better person in other aspects of my life that did or didn't involve him.

As far as the progression, it's ongoing. It is a lifetime change that is a journey, not a destination. That mindset was very helpful in our seeking success.

Re: *** "A Migration of the Missing Pieces" *** [Re: Ace] #278278
02/06/13 03:25 PM
02/06/13 03:25 PM
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Posts: 13,424
midwest
Miranda Offline
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Originally Posted By: Ace


Hi Miranda,

So sorry so pressed for time. Hopefully I'll be able to write more over the weekend.

The first thing I changed about ME was that I realized that I needed help and sought it.

The second thing I changed was that I listened to (and did NOT discredit) the things I was hearing from the folks from whom I had requested help. (I force-ably had to strike the word "....but..." from my vocabulary during this process.)

Jayne's response to P4H answers another part of my changes. The concept of boundaries to protect myself were new to me. That was an important step.

As far as pushback, I didn't notice it as much because my motivation was to change for me, not change "for him." I became a better person in other aspects of my life that did or didn't involve him.

As far as the progression, it's ongoing. It is a lifetime change that is a journey, not a destination. That mindset was very helpful in our seeking success.


No worries about the quick reply. All information is good information.

It sounds like I am on the right road. I'm not doing what I'm doing for him. I might be doing it for us a bit, but mostly because I cannot be healthy for ME with the way things are now. And a healthier me, brings a better us.

Otherwise, it sounds like I need to just keep on keepin on.

Thanks for sharing and any further details or specifics about what you did when, or pitfalls you encountered is totally welcomed.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: *** "A Migration of the Missing Pieces" *** [Re: Miranda] #278280
02/06/13 03:29 PM
02/06/13 03:29 PM
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Miranda, you are a true inspiration. Thanks for investing yourself in the MA community. We are gaining as much from you as you say you're gaining from us.

Off to work!

Hugz,
Ace

PS How's it going, P4H? Also, thanks for the input Jayne.


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: *** "A Migration of the Missing Pieces" *** [Re: Ace] #278286
02/06/13 03:33 PM
02/06/13 03:33 PM
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midwest
Miranda Offline
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Originally Posted By: Ace
Miranda, you are a true inspiration. Thanks for investing yourself in the MA community. We are gaining as much from you as you say you're gaining from us.

Off to work!

Hugz,
Ace

PS How's it going, P4H? Also, thanks for the input Jayne.


D'awww. Thanks Ace. blush


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: *** "A Migration of the Missing Pieces" *** [Re: Miranda] #279032
02/09/13 10:36 AM
02/09/13 10:36 AM
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Quote:
D'awww. Thanks Ace. blush

Hi Miranda,

You're welcome. I skimmed your thread and don't have much to add to all the fine advice you're already getting.

I said I would write more here on the weekend....and I will....as soon as I remember what else I had to say blushing




Re: *** "A Migration of the Missing Pieces" *** [Re: Ace] #281818
02/23/13 10:39 PM
02/23/13 10:39 PM
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Posts: 5,407
Not quite here
Squeaky Tree Offline
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I like that Ace - removing "but" something we all have to go through at some stage in our lives grin

I remember Mark commenting on my bits (ROFL) buts! on several occasions

I really should rephrase all of that, but it amuses me muchly as it is grin and y'know what I mean


Married 22years (this year) ~13y since dday(?)
DD17 DS14
Which way do you like yourself? ~ Stosny
Re: *** "A Migration of the Missing Pieces" *** [Re: Squeaky Tree] #281843
02/24/13 01:55 AM
02/24/13 01:55 AM
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Ace Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Squeaky Tree
I like that Ace - removing "but" something we all have to go through at some stage in our lives grin

I remember Mark commenting on my bits (ROFL) buts! on several occasions

I really should rephrase all of that, but it amuses me muchly as it is grin and y'know what I mean


Nahhh...don't rephrase it. Most of us would like to remove more of our buts (and butts) in our journey down "Recovery Road" and the general road of life.


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