Who's Online Now
0 registered members (), 3 guests, and 30 spiders.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
 Trending Topics(Posts)
1.How to deconstruct a marriage.0
2.I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support.0
3.SIHW is back and Dealing with issues....0
4.looking for some support0
5.Social Networking Sites and Infidelity0
6.Signs of Infidelity0
7.The Difference Between Cheating and Infidelity?0
8.Not really sure how to survive0
9.The Five Big Lies That Keep You From Changing0
10.Pregnant and getting put out of the house by my husband0
*By replies in last 2 weeks.
In The Media(Posts)
Woman urges NC lawmakers to end child marriage: For her it was a ‘life sentence’3
COVID-19 and the Increased Likelihood of Affairs3
Does anyone remember this story?3
Validation to find-win-win slutions2
Things men want3
These Are The Signs You're Dating A Narcissist3
Girlfriend's 'controlling' list of 22 rules for boyfriend goes viral: 'She sounds crazy'9
What Divorced Men Wish They Had Done Differently In Their Marriages7
Alienation of Affection / Criminal Conversation9
Would you pay your ex a 'break-up fee'? - BBC3
more >>
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 12 1 2 3 11 12
Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 #401721
12/16/15 04:56 PM
12/16/15 04:56 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Penny_Tupy Offline OP
Member
Penny_Tupy  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Dear MA members,

I'm delighted to be here and to offer any service and insights that could help other save and heal their marriages.

( Announcement here in case you missed it)

I have a new Musing on Marriage(tm) article, just for MA, posted here . It's called The Grown Up Christmas List and although it has an intentional holiday slant, my hopes, dreams, wishes, and suggestions are for every day of the year.

I'll be hosting an Ask Me Anything thread here on this board weekly, on Wednesdays, between 6 and 10 pm CT. During those times I'll be available live to answer any questions on marriage and relationship healing. Outside those times I'll monitor and respond as time allows. We can decided - collaboratively - if we want a new thread each week or if we should just hang out on this one for a while.

A very special thank you to the MA board of directors for their gracious invitation and all the behind the scenes work it takes to make something like this come together. It's my honor and pleasure to be here.

P

Last edited by Penny_Tupy; 12/16/15 04:57 PM.

For one on one professional help for your marriage contact me at penny(dot)tupy@yahoo.com for more information including rates and available times.
Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Penny_Tupy] #401736
12/16/15 06:47 PM
12/16/15 06:47 PM
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 10,121
S
SmilingWife Offline
Global Moderator
SmilingWife  Offline
Global Moderator
S
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 10,121
Welcome. I enjoyed the article and I look forward to your threads.

Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: SmilingWife] #401737
12/16/15 06:48 PM
12/16/15 06:48 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Penny_Tupy Offline OP
Member
Penny_Tupy  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Thank you! I look forward to some great conversations with folks here.

P


For one on one professional help for your marriage contact me at penny(dot)tupy@yahoo.com for more information including rates and available times.
Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Penny_Tupy] #401767
12/17/15 12:12 AM
12/17/15 12:12 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Penny_Tupy Offline OP
Member
Penny_Tupy  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Well, peeps, here we are. Wednesday night at 6pm. I'm available until 10 pm CT for questions, comments, or conversation on marriage or any marriage related topic.

As some of you may remember I offered marriage coaching from something like 2002 through 2009 or 2010. The last few years have been filled with kiddos heading off to college, getting married, and, this year, a couple of grandbabies.

I still keep in touch via facebook, email, phone, text (you know all the techno goodies) with so many wonderful people I met at MB or later at SYMC. Hubby and I will be taking a cruise with some of our SYMC friends early in 2016.

I did a stint of prison ministry from about 2004 through 2010 and it's possible I loved that as much as I loved coaching.

The last several years I've been deeply involved in health and nutrition and have considered offering coaching on those topics at some point as well.

I'd love to hear what's going on in your lives and do my best at answering any marriage related questions you might have.

P


For one on one professional help for your marriage contact me at penny(dot)tupy@yahoo.com for more information including rates and available times.
Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Penny_Tupy] #401769
12/17/15 12:21 AM
12/17/15 12:21 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,219
Monterey, CA
Fiddler Offline
Board of Directors
Fiddler  Offline
Board of Directors
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,219
Monterey, CA
It's great to have you here, Penny! Thank you so much for this opportunity.

My particular focus is on communication, and I emphasize validation as a way to make it better between partners. I personally have found the "standard tools" (i.e. Active Listening, I messages) to fall considerably short outside a counselor's office.

I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts and experience with coaching couples how to improve their communication skills.


"Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me."
Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Penny_Tupy] #401770
12/17/15 12:22 AM
12/17/15 12:22 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 5,222
L
LivingWell Offline
Member
LivingWell  Offline
Member
L
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 5,222
Hi Penny

I'm here making cookie dough and will read along. smile

Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: LivingWell] #401771
12/17/15 12:37 AM
12/17/15 12:37 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Penny_Tupy Offline OP
Member
Penny_Tupy  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Hi Fiddler -

What a wonderful question. Communication is, as you know, utterly essential to making a marriage safe, creative, vibrant.... any number of adjectives we could come up with to say "healthy and happy". And, as you suggest, it's not as simple as just a non emotional exchange of information.

We all have baggage - for lack of a better word. We all experience shame, fear, resentment, anxiety.... all those things that get in the way of clear and open communication.

The problem with so many of the communication techniques is they don't take into account the need for individuals to own and regulate their own emotions in as a foundational point of communication. Unless, and until, we can hear what our partner has to say and at the same time own and regulate our own emotional response to that we're going to get caught in the cycle of "I feel bad and it's your fault" - which of course is never helpful.

In working with couples, and actually in other classes I teach, one of the first places we start is with emotional regulation skills. It's the step that comes before communication techniques - it's emotional muscle building that decreases baseline resentment, increases baseline compassion and connection, and then allows the individual to take in information and process it calmly an in a way that takes everyone's best interest into account.

Does that make sense?

P


For one on one professional help for your marriage contact me at penny(dot)tupy@yahoo.com for more information including rates and available times.
Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Penny_Tupy] #401772
12/17/15 12:38 AM
12/17/15 12:38 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Penny_Tupy Offline OP
Member
Penny_Tupy  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Living Well - I am clearly spoiled by facebook. I tried desperately to hit the "like button" for your post smile

It is salad night here - please feel free to send cookie dough my way!

xo

P


For one on one professional help for your marriage contact me at penny(dot)tupy@yahoo.com for more information including rates and available times.
Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Penny_Tupy] #401773
12/17/15 12:45 AM
12/17/15 12:45 AM
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,424
midwest
Miranda Offline
Global Moderator
Miranda  Offline
Global Moderator
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,424
midwest
Penny, what you are talking about in reply to Fiddler sounds a lot like where my therapist started with me, mindfulness and self compassion practice.

Is this close?


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Penny_Tupy] #401774
12/17/15 12:46 AM
12/17/15 12:46 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,219
Monterey, CA
Fiddler Offline
Board of Directors
Fiddler  Offline
Board of Directors
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,219
Monterey, CA
Penny, that makes perfect sense to me.

Could you share some your approach to getting couples to build their emotional muscles (I love that image!)?


"Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me."
Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Penny_Tupy] #401775
12/17/15 12:47 AM
12/17/15 12:47 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 3,611
wiser_now Offline
Member
wiser_now  Offline
Member
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 3,611
Hi P,

It's Nyneve, a former village elder here, enjoying that fact that you are also here.

Welcome! And... carry on!

To anyone who drops by... this woman is a gem!


A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short. --Andre Maurois

Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Miranda] #401779
12/17/15 12:52 AM
12/17/15 12:52 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Penny_Tupy Offline OP
Member
Penny_Tupy  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Hi Miranda,

Sounds like a good experience smile I imagine there are many different ways to get to the same place of calm, compassionate, and able to tell the difference between what is my stuff and what is someone else's. And then, of course, to own my stuff and let you own yours.

The process I've used involves a short series of informational lessons followed by a daily practice. Everyone I know who's done the practice expresses good results. I have a student who tells me every time I see her that it changed her life.

Did you experience good results with the work you did with your therapist? And did you find it helped in marriage or other relationships?

P


For one on one professional help for your marriage contact me at penny(dot)tupy@yahoo.com for more information including rates and available times.
Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Fiddler] #401781
12/17/15 12:56 AM
12/17/15 12:56 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Penny_Tupy Offline OP
Member
Penny_Tupy  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Fiddler -
Ok, good. Sometimes I think I could be the queen of run on sentences!

Does what I posted to Miranda answer your question?

It's a simple daily practice that requires maybe 3 minutes 6-10 times a day. Easy to learn. Fairly easy to do. Requires the discipline to do it - pretty much like learning any other skill.


For one on one professional help for your marriage contact me at penny(dot)tupy@yahoo.com for more information including rates and available times.
Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Penny_Tupy] #401782
12/17/15 12:57 AM
12/17/15 12:57 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Penny_Tupy Offline OP
Member
Penny_Tupy  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Nyneve!

YOU are a gem.

xoxo


For one on one professional help for your marriage contact me at penny(dot)tupy@yahoo.com for more information including rates and available times.
Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Penny_Tupy] #401783
12/17/15 12:57 AM
12/17/15 12:57 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 12,611
The Dark Side of the Moon
AntigoneRisen Offline
Board of Directors
AntigoneRisen  Offline
Board of Directors
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 12,611
The Dark Side of the Moon
I'm just going to go straight to your article...

What are your thoughts when one of the big stressors during this holiday season - or even other holidays - is differing levels of importance of the holiday? For instance, if someone has never really celebrated the holiday at all?


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Penny_Tupy] #401785
12/17/15 01:02 AM
12/17/15 01:02 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,219
Monterey, CA
Fiddler Offline
Board of Directors
Fiddler  Offline
Board of Directors
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,219
Monterey, CA
Thank you - your answer to Miranda helps clarify it a bit. Would you be willing to share a bit about what the practice involves?

Yes, discipline...I'm gonna work on that.

Someday... wink


"Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me."
Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Penny_Tupy] #401786
12/17/15 01:03 AM
12/17/15 01:03 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Penny_Tupy Offline OP
Member
Penny_Tupy  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Harley used to say, and I tend to agree, communication isn't really the problem. Couples communicate all the time. She knows he hates it when she leaves the mail all over the kitchen table. He is completely aware that she can't stand his bowling buddy who drinks too much.

The problem is the inability to discuss those things in a way that sets aside blame, resentment, and reactivity and to make choices that balance the needs of the individuals with what it takes to make a marriage work.

So, is the problem communication, the exchange of information, or is it the ability to sit with one's own emotional response and not expect someone else to make it better?


For one on one professional help for your marriage contact me at penny(dot)tupy@yahoo.com for more information including rates and available times.
Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: AntigoneRisen] #401789
12/17/15 01:10 AM
12/17/15 01:10 AM
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,424
midwest
Miranda Offline
Global Moderator
Miranda  Offline
Global Moderator
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,424
midwest
Honestly Penny my mindfulness practice sounds a lot like what you advocate. My therapist wanted me to meditate but I could never settle down to formal, extended single meditation. So I started taking "mindfulness breaks" throughout the day and checking in with myself physically and emotionally. It's been really beneficial.

But I had a LOT to work through. And still have more to do. But my work with this therapist has been life changing. In some ways my getting stronger has "upset the apple cart" in my marriage. But it was necessary growth. Ultimately it is making the relationship better, able to go the distance for the love my haul.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Fiddler] #401790
12/17/15 01:12 AM
12/17/15 01:12 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Penny_Tupy Offline OP
Member
Penny_Tupy  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Originally Posted By: Fiddler
Thank you - your answer to Miranda helps clarify it a bit. Would you be willing to share a bit about what the practice involves?

Yes, discipline...I'm gonna work on that.

Someday... wink


Yep, for sure.

So if you have some familiarity with anger management techniques you know they rely on a conscious response to stimuli. E.g. count to ten, take a walk, think before you speak, etc. The problem is, our unconscious response is something like 200x faster than we can think. So by the time you can say "I coulda counted to 10" it's entirely possible you've already said or done something that's not in your best interest or your spouse's or your marriage (or fill in the blank with any other kind of relationship. During a very stressful time I once told my boss to ... well .... it wasn't pretty...)

What we need to do, then, is to create an automatic response to stimuli which decreases our sense of self worth or value (anything where we are tempted to say "I feel bad and it's your fault"). You can think of it as piano lessons for your emotions - creating a neural pathway that we don't have to think about consciously.

The practice itself (and this is very abbreviated) involves recalling emotionally difficult incidents from our past, inducing self compassion, and then seeing the humanity in the other person so that we can feel the same compassion. When we have a balance of compassion we can make choices that honor our humanity and that of the other - these are ethically positive choices that take care of us and at the same time allow us to create and maintain essential boundaries.


For one on one professional help for your marriage contact me at penny(dot)tupy@yahoo.com for more information including rates and available times.
Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Penny_Tupy] #401792
12/17/15 01:13 AM
12/17/15 01:13 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,219
Monterey, CA
Fiddler Offline
Board of Directors
Fiddler  Offline
Board of Directors
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,219
Monterey, CA
I'm not familiar with Harley's work (although I hear others here mention him). I have a broader definition of communication than simply an exchange of information. Just as effective listening involves much more than hearing the words, but "decoding" the underlying message. That is, the message is often not to be found in the words alone, but in other places such as non-verbal signals as well as what is not said.

Whenever there is reactivity in an exchange, I believe that communication has in fact ceased altogether. When our lizard brain is triggered we are unable to hear the other person.

So it does seem to come down to managing one's own emotions - which is probably why you start with that. I would include that element under the heading of "communication" because without it, there is typically not even an exchange of information, let alone hearing each others' feelings and unspoken messages.

ETA: What you describe sounds similar to something I heard about from Pema Chdrn called "tonglen".

Last edited by Fiddler; 12/17/15 01:15 AM.

"Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me."
Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Miranda] #401793
12/17/15 01:14 AM
12/17/15 01:14 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 5,222
L
LivingWell Offline
Member
LivingWell  Offline
Member
L
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 5,222
Originally Posted By: Miranda
Ultimately it is making the relationship better, able to go the distance for the love my haul.

Gotta love autocorrect ROFL

Here's to your haul, Miranda! wink

Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Miranda] #401794
12/17/15 01:18 AM
12/17/15 01:18 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Penny_Tupy Offline OP
Member
Penny_Tupy  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Originally Posted By: Miranda
Honestly Penny my mindfulness practice sounds a lot like what you advocate. My therapist wanted me to meditate but I could never settle down to formal, extended single meditation. So I started taking "mindfulness breaks" throughout the day and checking in with myself physically and emotionally. It's been really beneficial.

But I had a LOT to work through. And still have more to do. But my work with this therapist has been life changing. In some ways my getting stronger has "upset the apple cart" in my marriage. But it was necessary growth. Ultimately it is making the relationship better, able to go the distance for the love my haul.


I love it! Mindfulness breaks sound delicious. And courageous.

If we never upset the apple cart where would we find growth? Change always involves discomfort. And - I really believe we don't embrace change until maintaining the status quo becomes too uncomfortable.

P


For one on one professional help for your marriage contact me at penny(dot)tupy@yahoo.com for more information including rates and available times.
Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: LivingWell] #401795
12/17/15 01:18 AM
12/17/15 01:18 AM
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,424
midwest
Miranda Offline
Global Moderator
Miranda  Offline
Global Moderator
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,424
midwest
Lol. Yeah that was an interesting "slip"


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: Fiddler] #401798
12/17/15 01:24 AM
12/17/15 01:24 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Penny_Tupy Offline OP
Member
Penny_Tupy  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Originally Posted By: Fiddler
I'm not familiar with Harley's work (although I hear others here mention him). I have a broader definition of communication than simply an exchange of information. Just as effective listening involves much more than hearing the words, but "decoding" the underlying message. That is, the message is often not to be found in the words alone, but in other places such as non-verbal signals as well as what is not said.

Whenever there is reactivity in an exchange, I believe that communication has in fact ceased altogether. When our lizard brain is triggered we are unable to hear the other person.

So it does seem to come down to managing one's own emotions - which is probably why you start with that. I would include that element under the heading of "communication" because without it, there is typically not even an exchange of information, let alone hearing each others' feelings and unspoken messages.

ETA: What you describe sounds similar to something I heard about from Pema Chdrn called "tonglen".


Omigosh, I haven't read Pema Chodron in years. Her work was an absolute lifesaver when my life was falling apart.

Harley was (is?) very mechanical and didn't really do the touchy/feely stuff, which is why I eventually expanded my training and points of view. I still like the concept that couples know what each other's buttons are and choose to either ignore them or worse - push them.

At the same time I don't disagree with what you are saying - that true communication at the level of intimacy is much much more than that.


For one on one professional help for your marriage contact me at penny(dot)tupy@yahoo.com for more information including rates and available times.
Re: Penny's Ask Me Anything 12-16-15 [Re: LivingWell] #401800
12/17/15 01:25 AM
12/17/15 01:25 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Penny_Tupy Offline OP
Member
Penny_Tupy  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Wisconsin
Originally Posted By: LivingWell
Originally Posted By: Miranda
Ultimately it is making the relationship better, able to go the distance for the love my haul.

Gotta love autocorrect ROFL

Here's to your haul, Miranda! wink


I needs an LOL button .....


For one on one professional help for your marriage contact me at penny(dot)tupy@yahoo.com for more information including rates and available times.
Page 1 of 12 1 2 3 11 12

Newest Members
Love_Smacked, starfire, JoyfulMimi, bruers, shattered72
2048 Registered Users
Latest Topics(Posts)
Hearts Blessing4
Woman urges NC lawmakers to end child marriage: For her it was a ‘life sentence’3
63 Marriage Facts1
COVID-19 and the Increased Likelihood of Affairs3
Updates Divorce Stats4
no more rainbow members?9
BR - The Art of War - Sun Tzu5
Questions & Answers About Marriage---responses from 7-10 year old kids4
seeing new members on mobile version5
Return of the Goddess31
Community Information
2048Members
1Penalty Box
6Suspended

42

Forums
8500Topics
463376Posts
 
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.6.1.1
(Release build 20180111)
Page Time: 0.030s Queries: 15 (0.007s) Memory: 3.3758 MB (Peak: 3.7301 MB) Zlib enabled in php.ini Server Time: 2021-10-20 23:05:02 UTC