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What are you doing RIGHT? #40182
12/25/10 03:03 PM
12/25/10 03:03 PM
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wiser_now Offline OP
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Let's talk about POSITIVE things!

Let's talk about the morning you got out of bed and took a shower even though you wanted to hide under the covers.

Let's talk about the day you had a difficult, age-appropriate conversation with your children.

Let's talk about the visit to the doctor, therapist or respected religious leader to talk about depression, anxiety or just a bump in the road?

Let's talk about a moment in time... or a day... or a change in belief system.

Let's talk about a boundary you set - and kept!

And let's talk about comfort... self-comfort... in the midst of the storm... and beyond.

Some ideas to get you started: Finding Comfort Thread

Let's talk about the things you can do to get YOU in a better place~ beginning TODAY!

Ideally, I would like this thread to be filled with ideas that everyone can use to feel more positive, proactive... and let's go out on a limb and say... hopeful... in spite of our circumstances.


A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short. --Andre Maurois

Re: What are you doing RIGHT? [Re: wiser_now] #40197
12/25/10 04:43 PM
12/25/10 04:43 PM
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Posts: 12,611
The Dark Side of the Moon
AntigoneRisen Offline
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The Dark Side of the Moon
What am I doing right? I'm focusing on taking care of myself and having the happiest holidays that I can.


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: What are you doing RIGHT? [Re: AntigoneRisen] #40415
12/26/10 03:45 PM
12/26/10 03:45 PM
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wiser_now Offline OP
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That's a beginning... isn't it, AR? hug

I would love to see this thread grow into a place where little victories are listed...

I know for me, because this is a "support" forum, I spend a lot of time searching for people to help... which sometimes leads to me feeling sad and overwhelmed.

There needs to be an island... a place to go where we can focus on what we're doing right... and others who read here can gain strength and hope... win/win!

Even the smallest wins are welcome here!

Got out of bed today?
Called a friend today?
Said a prayer today?
Stayed dark today?

PUT IT HERE!



A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short. --Andre Maurois

Re: What are you doing RIGHT? [Re: wiser_now] #40420
12/26/10 04:04 PM
12/26/10 04:04 PM
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Ace Offline
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Originally Posted By: new_beginning
That's a beginning... isn't it, AR? hug

I would love to see this thread grow into a place where little victories are listed...
(emphasis mine)

Great idea (again!) NB and AR. It might be good to find a "place" for this thread somewhere off the "Other Topics" forum. It might get lost here and it's far too important.

Maybe the "Success Stories" forum ? It seems that many posters may think that they have to have huge successes before they can post there. Small successes are just as important IMVHO. "Getting out of bed" is just one example.

Regardless where this thread grows to or lands, it's very helpful.

Thanks,
Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: What are you doing RIGHT? [Re: Ace] #40423
12/26/10 04:09 PM
12/26/10 04:09 PM
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wiser_now Offline OP
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Great idea, Ace. I'm moving it!


A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short. --Andre Maurois

Re: What are you doing RIGHT? [Re: wiser_now] #40472
12/26/10 06:59 PM
12/26/10 06:59 PM
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lost rabbit Offline
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This is a fab idea folks, way back when the BOMB was thrown at me I start my 180's list back on DB!

They were just little victories but they grew into a victorious me eventually..

My biggest one was to feel the fear and do it anyway, and now when Im fearful I just compare it what happened last year and go and do it anyway, it resulted in a very changed me and that I am very grateful for!


Once was lost but now found and happily married!

The story
http://www.marriageadvocates.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php/topics/34625/Where_do_I_go

Re: What are you doing RIGHT? [Re: lost rabbit] #40504
12/26/10 08:46 PM
12/26/10 08:46 PM
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Ace Offline
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Originally Posted By: lost rabbit
This is a fab idea folks, way back when the BOMB was thrown at me I start my 180's list back on DB!

They were just little victories but they grew into a victorious me eventually..

My biggest one was to feel the fear and do it anyway, and now when Im fearful I just compare it what happened last year and go and do it anyway, it resulted in a very changed me and that I am very grateful for!

(emphasis mine)

Wow, LR that is HUGE HUGE HUGE!!!!!

Thanks!

Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: What are you doing RIGHT? [Re: Ace] #40549
12/26/10 11:31 PM
12/26/10 11:31 PM
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New Zealand
Lil Offline

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My victory...

DD18 hasnt spoken to me since she found out I was filing for custody of Beetle. She sent me a very nasty text over that. I did get a response to a request for her addy to send her Christmas present, but nothing to my loving texts that I send every few days.

Yesterday, I got 2 from her, one rejoicing in my fathers new marriage, and another wishing me merry Christmas, that ended with xoxoxo

Acting loving towards her when I feel like performing acts of violence is difficult, but these sorts of payoffs are so very rewarding.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: What are you doing RIGHT? [Re: Lil] #40749
12/27/10 01:21 PM
12/27/10 01:21 PM
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Vittoria Offline
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Quote:
Acting loving towards her when I feel like performing acts of violence is difficult, but these sorts of payoffs are so very rewarding.

sigh ... I can so relate to this with the chittlins.

Yesterday the house was just way to full of testosterone.
I could have stuck around and debated, instead I headed over to a friend's place and had a lovely
2 cups of cafe, good laughs and some really meaningful conversation!

{{{{{Lil}}}}}


26 yrs. married
There's nothing more powerful than a woman with an open heart ......
Re: What are you doing RIGHT? [Re: Vittoria] #40778
12/27/10 04:02 PM
12/27/10 04:02 PM
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soolee Offline
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Hmmm...

There are two things I do for me that help keep me focused.

One is that I take the time to make myself a pot of coffee. No one else drinks coffee in the house, so this is something I do for myself. Without my coffee in the morning, there is this 'off' feeling all day. It can get so bad that it will sour my mood and make me feel sorry for myself. I know, it's probably silly, but if I'm honest...it's true. I can make this easier on myself by getting the pot ready to go the night before. I'm just not there yet. I think if you think deeper about this, I'm also doing this for my family. lol

The second thing I do when I'm feeling frazzled is make lists. Somehow lists make my world much better. Much more orderly. When ideas are bouncing around in my head with no order, it makes me feel like I'm unstable. Lists make me feel smarter, more put together.

These are two major things that I 'do right' for me, as an individual.

One of the major things I've been trying to do for my marriage that is working is to think more before I respond. To not be so reactionary and caught up in coming up with these pearl-of-wisdom answers. To listen more and to give some indication that I am listening - by, for instance, validating or nodding.

Last edited by soolee; 12/27/10 04:03 PM.

Me: 53
Him: 53
Together: 34 years
Married: 27 years

"Aspire to Inspire before you Expire" Author Unknown

Welcome to Marriage Advocates! Please click here to join the group: http://www.marriageadvocates.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php/ubb/newuser
Re: What are you doing RIGHT? [Re: soolee] #40820
12/27/10 05:31 PM
12/27/10 05:31 PM
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dday101798 Offline
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hmmmm, well, one of the things I did that made all the difference is kind of the reason on the same I haven't been too overly active yet here:

The day I realized the situation was not going to change over night. In most cases, it took years and years to get where you're at in the dispair of the marriage. Sure, you want things to back to EXACTLY how they were when everything was good. Reality is, it can NEVER be EXACTLY the way it was, NEVER. And at least in my case, that is a very good thing.

In conjunction with the above: single handedly, the day the two parties lay it all out on the table, everything, with no mud slinging, and no finger pointing. If you don't give and get honest answers to every single question that has plagued everything over the years and other developements, they are sure to resurface later, when the second honeymoon wears off. And I've hear, it's not pretty when it does. So, as much as the truth may hurt on certain topics, it needs to get out there, and you also need to accepting in your own hand in the matter.

I could rattle on and on, but it's all about TIME. It took time to build things 'to a head'. It's gonna take time for things to run their course. It's going to take time to for things to get a CHANCE to pan out. And it's going to take time to create a NEW relationship together.


I'm not a professional.... and I don't go exactly by the book.... but I did get the second chance to get things right. smile TIME.... Patience.... Self Investment.... smile
Re: What are you doing RIGHT? [Re: dday101798] #40829
12/27/10 05:45 PM
12/27/10 05:45 PM
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Gateway to the West
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Not2fun Offline
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The BESTEST thing I did 3 yrs ago after DDay, was start what would later be known as my "GODDESS" routine. I had't truly loved myself or taken care of myself for years prior. I changed that immediately, learned new things, and still keep up with it today.

I get out of bed, take care in ensuring that I look my "GODDESSY" best, even in my cooks uniform ;), keep up with regular hair appointments, pedi's (can't do mani's cuz of work....nail polish is against health regulations...), try to eat well and work out, though, I have gone a bit down hill in the work out part. New promotion at work has my schedule a bit messed up.

So, yes taking care of ME is number one on the list. Mr. Not's good with that, because we have found if *I* don't take care of me, the care of everyone else eventually suffers.....

Not2fun


" If you couldn't change your partner when you were together, you sure aren't going to now that you aren't together..." Words of the teacher of the court mandated parenting class...and the ONE thing that stuck out to me!!!
Re: What are you doing RIGHT? [Re: Not2fun] #41394
12/28/10 10:18 PM
12/28/10 10:18 PM
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dday101798 Offline
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To add a fresh one:

SHOULD you get the chance, to have the coveted second chance, do everything in your power to stop YOU AND your spouse from falling back into the same old patterns.

Example: Last night, 'wife' and I have been building up a tension, not so much at each other, but, you know, the holidays, pregnancy, finances......yeah, the doomsday trifecta shocked

Long story short, out of nowhere, 'wife' explodes (kattie kaboom style) and every little thing gets twisted, a VERY bad old habit of hers: planting words, hell even whole conversations, that didnt quite happen that way. And I go on the "defensive", read as, I leave the dinner table, full plate of food I took one bite of to huff off and do something, ANYTHING, to not be in the same room, my VERY bad old habit (well I could have been chugging a beer to too, but no smile ).

'wife' wisks out the door for air, and to holler at me a bit along the way. And as in the olden days, I don't utter word and keep on with my 'routine'.

Door slams.....................[insert screeching car tires]

'dday, you big dummy, this is EXACTLY the kind of stupid stuff that didn't work before, EVER'. 'get your arse out there and talk sensibly with her, tell her EXACTLY how your feeling, and listen to EXACTLY how she's feeling'. heh, thanks inner voice.

And wouldn't you know? I go out there, and say "hey, I just caught myself doing the same old thing that I don't like, and you don't like. And you've been doing the same. And it feels like this big huge ridge between us right now, and I don't like it. Do you feel it?"

Granted this took a few minutes of clearing up, skipping the details, but in the end: I went outside to a pair of eyes that wanted to stab me where I stood, no matter what. We came back in after those very same eyes said "thank you for pulling both of our heads out of our own arses and seeing the ridiculous things were saying and doing and reminding us both of the lessons we've learned, the HARD way, in darker days".

Last edited by dday101798; 12/28/10 10:20 PM. Reason: I can

I'm not a professional.... and I don't go exactly by the book.... but I did get the second chance to get things right. smile TIME.... Patience.... Self Investment.... smile
Re: What are you doing RIGHT? [Re: dday101798] #41397
12/28/10 10:40 PM
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soolee Offline
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smile

I sat in the waiting room at the doctor's office this afternoon and saw an excerpt of an article about the author's father's advice, and holding your spouse's hand during all arguments was one of the 'pearls of wisdom'.

Somehow it's supposed to make you calmer and with the endorphins flowing, it helps...(shrugging)


Me: 53
Him: 53
Together: 34 years
Married: 27 years

"Aspire to Inspire before you Expire" Author Unknown

Welcome to Marriage Advocates! Please click here to join the group: http://www.marriageadvocates.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php/ubb/newuser
Re: What are you doing RIGHT? [Re: soolee] #321845
11/05/13 01:19 PM
11/05/13 01:19 PM
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wiser_now Offline OP
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We need positive uplifting places to go...

This is one of those places!

Struggling a bit this morning. Need to look for good stuff. Oh! I know!

I am grateful for my husband, who brings me coffee in the morning while I play Words with Friends and check in here....slow, lovely wake-up...no hurry. Bliss!

Gratitude...doing it right!

You?


A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short. --Andre Maurois

Re: What are you doing RIGHT? [Re: wiser_now] #322039
11/06/13 03:04 AM
11/06/13 03:04 AM
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TX
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I got really mad at my four-year-old yesterday (he threw a huge tantrum in the middle of the store) and he got in big trouble. After I carried him to the car, I swatted his bottom, lectured him and refused to buy the special socks I had promised.

Not 20 minutes later, he gave me a hug and told me I was the best mom ever. So I haven't scarred him for life...yet.


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: What are you doing RIGHT? [Re: CajunRose] #322165
11/06/13 08:20 PM
11/06/13 08:20 PM
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My dh woke snuggled me yesterday morning and told me he loves being married to me. smile

Re: What are you doing RIGHT? [Re: SmilingWife] #322364
11/08/13 12:11 AM
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Surface of the sun
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I made it thru another day filed with pain by focusing on smiling. I caught myself moaning and complaining and had to remind myself that negativity begets pain. It doesn't sound like a victory to most, but anyone living with regular pain will get how huge that is. Looking forward to physical therapy tomorrow helped. smile

Glad to have stumbled across this thread

Re: What are you doing RIGHT? [Re: silentlucidity] #322368
11/08/13 01:16 AM
11/08/13 01:16 AM
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Miranda Offline
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I feel you SL. I am fighting that same bettle doubled up with fatigue. I'm just trying to find the best moments and focus on them.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: What are you doing RIGHT? [Re: Miranda] #322422
11/08/13 03:35 PM
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Miranda Offline
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What am I doing RIGHT?

I'm taking a moment 5 times a day (at least) EVERY day to "check in" with myself. Feel my body, feel my feelings, breathe, etc.

And I'm actively pursuing gratitude and compassion for myself and others, every day.

I have the urge to type "man that sounds silly" but I'm reminding myself that it's NOT silly to care for yourself and take care of yourself.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: What are you doing RIGHT? [Re: Miranda] #322469
11/08/13 06:43 PM
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Surface of the sun
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Compassion. Yes, Miranda. I've pushed myself in the direction of compassion. I'm not great at it; I'm getting better.

I'm being a good partner today, found an auction on a car that the boyz can use; trying my best to stay on top of it and win one for our team.

PT was good today, but it always leaves me in pain for at least a day afterward. Smiling and enjoying the time with my coworkers. Our day is filled with little bits of physical labor which I'm grateful for...puts my mind on something other than me.

Re: What are you doing RIGHT? [Re: silentlucidity] #322549
11/08/13 10:58 PM
11/08/13 10:58 PM
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Not quite here
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Not quite here
Today I bought myself a newspaper and went and sat by myself in a coffe shop with a large latte and a chocolate brownie.

For the 5th or 6th day in a row I have actually had a long conversation with J on skype and did just a little bit of sexting too.


Married 22years (this year) ~13y since dday(?)
DD17 DS14
Which way do you like yourself? ~ Stosny
Re: What are you doing RIGHT? [Re: Squeaky Tree] #322552
11/08/13 11:11 PM
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Miranda Offline
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Cool ST. Good job.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: What are you doing RIGHT? [Re: Miranda] #322669
11/09/13 08:00 PM
11/09/13 08:00 PM
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wiser_now Offline OP
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I get panic attacks, though they are rarely black and white... today was a black and white, obvious, oh-my-god-I'm-having-one moment.

Sometimes they come out of nowhere. Today's came out of somewhere. My lizard jumped to attention! She said, GO.

So, today I congratulate myself for listening to my body and getting out of a bad situation. It was awkward and clumsy but I did it.


A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short. --Andre Maurois

Re: What are you doing RIGHT? [Re: wiser_now] #322682
11/09/13 09:28 PM
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Surface of the sun
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