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Creating Your Partner #403753
01/20/16 02:32 PM
01/20/16 02:32 PM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,879
Marta Offline OP
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Marta  Offline OP
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I probably should have put the other article here.. Oh well. Interesting different advice:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/amy-begel/creating-the-partner-you-_b_6609610.html

Re: Creating Your Partner [Re: Marta] #403754
01/20/16 02:33 PM
01/20/16 02:33 PM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,879
Marta Offline OP
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Marta  Offline OP
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Still trying to figure out how to do this on my own since at least in this area, therapists seem to think lack of arguments means good marriage.

Re: Creating Your Partner [Re: Marta] #403764
01/20/16 03:37 PM
01/20/16 03:37 PM
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 3,975
South
O
Oblivious2678 Offline
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Oblivious2678  Offline
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South
I fell victim to this. A strong, outspoken spouse can easily put the other into a passive state. Thank goodness I identified it and overcame it. Now it's all about sustaining the boundaries that I set and continue to stick up for myself.

Re: Creating Your Partner [Re: Oblivious2678] #403783
01/20/16 07:12 PM
01/20/16 07:12 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 7,052
holdingontoit Offline
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holdingontoit  Offline
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I can easily see that dynamic at play. When I stopped pressing my spouse for change we definitely went into a disconnected marriage. Funny thing is, once I completely "checked out" she started making the changes I had asked for. Problem is, now I no longer get much satisfaction from the things she does. Ironic. Years ago she threw me crumbs smothered in disdain and I was thrilled to get rancid crumbs. Now she makes me an entire meal and I am indifferent.

Marta, it seems to me that you have given up on trying to change your husband. Your life and your marriage and your choice to make. But I think the article is 100% correct that if you choose not to press your H for change, then he should expect you to eventually "check out". Is that what he wants? Is that what you want?


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: Creating Your Partner [Re: holdingontoit] #403850
01/21/16 05:04 PM
01/21/16 05:04 PM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,879
Marta Offline OP
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Marta  Offline OP
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I haven't exactly given up on the relationship exactly, but rather trying to see if and where I cause it. But it isn't really my job to fix my husband either. Trying to focus on what gives my life meaning and refreshes my soul these day. If I enjoy doing it, I keep doing it and if I don't, then I say no. That said, if somehow I am encouraging his woe is me stand from my behavior, then what is it that I need to stop so that he sees himself as a strong guy.

Or is it a matter of accepting human limitations? Not sure what dynamic it is. I kind of wish we had an outside guy that could help us with that, but I have no idea who that would be here. So until that time, I will just try to be grateful for all the good and improve what I can.

Re: Creating Your Partner [Re: Marta] #403852
01/21/16 05:36 PM
01/21/16 05:36 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 12,611
The Dark Side of the Moon
AntigoneRisen Offline
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AntigoneRisen  Offline
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The Dark Side of the Moon
Originally Posted By: Marta
Still trying to figure out how to do this on my own since at least in this area, therapists seem to think lack of arguments means good marriage.


I've never met one who thought that lack of handling conflict was part of a healthy marriage.


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: Creating Your Partner [Re: AntigoneRisen] #403859
01/21/16 05:59 PM
01/21/16 05:59 PM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,879
Marta Offline OP
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Marta  Offline OP
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Posts: 1,879
AR, all I know that even Penny as she has heard the whole story thinks we are doing pretty well under the circumstances.


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