I probably should have put the other article here.. Oh well. Interesting different advice:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/amy-begel/creating-the-partner-you-_b_6609610.html

Still trying to figure out how to do this on my own since at least in this area, therapists seem to think lack of arguments means good marriage.

I fell victim to this. A strong, outspoken spouse can easily put the other into a passive state. Thank goodness I identified it and overcame it. Now it's all about sustaining the boundaries that I set and continue to stick up for myself.

I can easily see that dynamic at play. When I stopped pressing my spouse for change we definitely went into a disconnected marriage. Funny thing is, once I completely "checked out" she started making the changes I had asked for. Problem is, now I no longer get much satisfaction from the things she does. Ironic. Years ago she threw me crumbs smothered in disdain and I was thrilled to get rancid crumbs. Now she makes me an entire meal and I am indifferent.

Marta, it seems to me that you have given up on trying to change your husband. Your life and your marriage and your choice to make. But I think the article is 100% correct that if you choose not to press your H for change, then he should expect you to eventually "check out". Is that what he wants? Is that what you want?

I haven't exactly given up on the relationship exactly, but rather trying to see if and where I cause it. But it isn't really my job to fix my husband either. Trying to focus on what gives my life meaning and refreshes my soul these day. If I enjoy doing it, I keep doing it and if I don't, then I say no. That said, if somehow I am encouraging his woe is me stand from my behavior, then what is it that I need to stop so that he sees himself as a strong guy.

Or is it a matter of accepting human limitations? Not sure what dynamic it is. I kind of wish we had an outside guy that could help us with that, but I have no idea who that would be here. So until that time, I will just try to be grateful for all the good and improve what I can.

I've never met one who thought that lack of handling conflict was part of a healthy marriage.

AR, all I know that even Penny as she has heard the whole story thinks we are doing pretty well under the circumstances.