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Conversation #404267
01/29/16 07:38 PM
01/29/16 07:38 PM
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Marta Offline OP
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Ok, so this article describes us:

http://www.yourtango.com/experts/mary-morrissey/4-ways-communicating-relationship

I don't understand how you fix this. They say to be curious...but I ask a question and I know what he will say before he answers it. Or... if I use those question things from date sites ( What superpower would you like to have? What is your saddest memory from childhood?) I get a one sentence answer, maybe...

I just don't get how to have fun conversations.

Re: Conversation [Re: Marta] #404657
02/05/16 04:54 PM
02/05/16 04:54 PM
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star*fish Offline
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Hi Marta,

Obviously, you're not alone. But maybe "fix" is the wrong word. It implies that something is "broken" when it might just need a little bit of fresh air.

Imagine that you are on a sailboat and enter the part of the ocean where the winds are light and unpredictable--they call it the "doldroms" (in sailing as well as life). The sailboat isn't broken, it just needs to catch a breeze.

One of the things the article says is that in order to remain curious, you have to remember that each of us changes daily and not to a predict our partners in an unchanging snapshot. Don't "predict" your husband's responses because it will inhibit your desire to change the dynamic. Your husband IS changing--and so are you.

Almost all married couples face this issue. I don't know what everyone else does, but I can tell you things I do to inject interest in our conversations and keep things feeling fresh.

* I send my H sweet/funny/interesting text messages during the day (and it encourages him to do the same)--this actually gives us stuff to talk/laugh about when he gets home.

* I ask him about his work and what he did throughout the day. His answers (even if they're short) can create new opportunities for more questions. I show interest in the things I know he's interested in. If I know he's good at something, I ask for information about it.

* I tell him about what my day--what I did/changed/learned--or oftentimes what ridiculous mistakes I made. One thing I have realized is that when I do good things for myself or others, when I read books, paint, or expand my interests--I have more things to share and H is more likely to share too.

* Reminiscing can be really enjoyable and there are so many moments that are special and unique to our relationship that he can't talk about with anyone else. ("You know what this reminds me of?....)

Fun conversations are like good marriages--we think they ought to be just easy and natural--and sometimes they are. Other times they require planning, work and encouragement to get back to a comfortable speed and pace.


"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: Conversation [Re: star*fish] #404702
02/07/16 11:03 PM
02/07/16 11:03 PM
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Marta Offline OP
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Starfish,

I'll have to try the interesting texts. I send him texts all the time but they mostly just say encouraging things or I love you...

I don't want to ask him about work. He already tells me his day blow by blow, whether something happened in the OR or drama at the office or whatever.... I do show interest, but I have to fake it. I watched him clean a 1911 pistol from WWI. He was showing me all the cool features... He was wondering where my granddad got it and where the initials came from... I faked it...

The problem is just me. I have no reason to complain.. I read on here and everyone has much worse problems or things to overcome. I'm sorry I wasted everyone's time.

What i want does not exist and I need to learn to enjoy what I have or rather to just accept it as I will never enjoy it.

Re: Conversation [Re: Marta] #404713
02/08/16 02:28 PM
02/08/16 02:28 PM
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CajunRose Offline
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Marta, stop it.

Your goal of having a fulfilling marriage is a great one. It's not easy to get there. Yes, you are lucky that you are starting from a better place than many others. That doesn't mean you are magically going to get from where you are to where you want to be.

Part of the problem is inside you. You have to get rid of this "I am not worthy" self-talk. It's sabotaging you.


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: Conversation [Re: Marta] #404734
02/09/16 01:00 AM
02/09/16 01:00 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 12,611
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AntigoneRisen Offline
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Marta,

What do you share with him about your life? Your interests? Your day?

Just wondering, as I don't see that mentioned.

~AR


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: Conversation [Re: AntigoneRisen] #404749
02/09/16 02:58 PM
02/09/16 02:58 PM
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Marta Offline OP
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I don't have too much to share, but I try to be positive and happy and come up with something to talk about...it just generally doesn't go anywhere...

He recently wrote this about me for a Bible study ( I put some in the other thread.. He had to come up with 5 things so this is one of them) You are my best friend. I can come to you with anything. You are fun to be around and I look forward to the many more years of exploring what God has in store for us.


How can our experiences be so, so different... He is so happy with the way things are. I am so not...

Re: Conversation [Re: Marta] #404808
02/10/16 02:19 PM
02/10/16 02:19 PM
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Posts: 12,611
The Dark Side of the Moon
AntigoneRisen Offline
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Let me make sure I'm understanding this correctly...you don't do anything all day each day?


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: Conversation [Re: AntigoneRisen] #404812
02/10/16 02:48 PM
02/10/16 02:48 PM
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Marta Offline OP
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No, but it is the same thing and/or things I cannot talk about. Yesterday I was on this board. I interacted with my daughter. I took her to meet the girls at the college so they could drive to her class. I then went and lead a Bible study... It is about marriage. We were talking about conflict.. I'm not going to share what they shared. He works with their husbands..

I listened to a lot of the Hold Me Tight stuff that yes, I will share when the time is right. I was on the computer again and found the stuff about complex PTSD. I went and picked up my daughter from her class and came home.

I was on the computer again in between straightening up and running off a Hamlet test and getting ready for my students today...

He got home at 7 absolutely exhausted. He told me all about his eye exam and the guy said his pressures were way off and he saw some other things, so he has to go back in a week or two for more tests... We made dinner and we watched a tv episode on dvd. He went and played his guitar for 20 minutes and took a shower and collapsed into bed... I got in bed and he said, "I'm so tired of being this tired..." I only did two cases and then went to Walmart and the eye doctor then a stupid meeting at 5:30.

I did mention my Bible study, but he was just so totally exhausted he really couldn't focus. He asked me about it when the alarm went off at 4:30 am and I told him a little bit,but he needed to get ready to go...still really really tired. He just cannot seem to recover his strength...

Re: Conversation [Re: Marta] #405191
02/15/16 05:58 PM
02/15/16 05:58 PM
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AntigoneRisen Offline
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Quote:
No, but it is the same thing and/or things I cannot talk about.


Why can't you talk about them?


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: Conversation [Re: AntigoneRisen] #405197
02/15/16 06:52 PM
02/15/16 06:52 PM
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Marta Offline OP
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Because they are things the other ladies in the Bible study shared that are confidential.

Re: Conversation [Re: Marta] #405211
02/15/16 10:39 PM
02/15/16 10:39 PM
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AntigoneRisen Offline
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That part I understand, but what about the rest of this:

Originally Posted By: marta
Yesterday I was on this board. I interacted with my daughter. I took her to meet the girls at the college so they could drive to her class. I then went and lead a Bible study... It is about marriage. We were talking about conflict..


Seems to me that there's a lot to share in here that isn't others' confidential sharing. What's stopping you from talking about the rest?


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: Conversation [Re: AntigoneRisen] #405213
02/15/16 11:45 PM
02/15/16 11:45 PM
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Marta Offline OP
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Here is what it would sound like: [Edit] found math easy today. Hooray! She did those problems for science that you left her. She said she found it easy. I graded my Julius Caesar tests. The girls did much better on their essays this time. I did find a cool power point about imagery to share with them. ( I did share most of this.. but really, yawn.)

For the Bible study, I would have said, "We watched a video about conflict today. It has some good stuff, but I can't figure out when we would use it. They used an example of him wanting an ugly couch. We have such similar tastes that I don't know, it seems like an arduous process we don't really need to use." He would have nodded and that would be about it, just like the example above. There would be no stimulating conversation.

Last edited by Chrysalis; 02/16/16 02:58 AM. Reason: Edited to remove name
Re: Conversation [Re: Marta] #405394
02/19/16 04:07 PM
02/19/16 04:07 PM
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AntigoneRisen Offline
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Quote:
( I did share most of this.. but really, yawn.)


Do you think you are boring? Who is it that's supposed to be yawning?

Quote:
For the Bible study, I would have said, "We watched a video about conflict today. It has some good stuff, but I can't figure out when we would use it. They used an example of him wanting an ugly couch. We have such similar tastes that I don't know, it seems like an arduous process we don't really need to use." He would have nodded and that would be about it, just like the example above. There would be no stimulating conversation.


I really don't know how to say this nicely when I can't use tone of voice, but sweetie, that sounds like a book report - or office status report - with the conclusions built right in. It doesn't sound like you're engaging in a back-and-forth discussion, either. It sounds almost designed to be a one-way communication.

You may have to go out of your way to invite stimulating conversation. Instead of blurting out your conclusion - that the two of you don't need to use the process in your marriage - why not describe the process to him and ask him when (or if) he thinks it would be helpful in your marriage?


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
Re: Conversation [Re: AntigoneRisen] #405403
02/19/16 05:37 PM
02/19/16 05:37 PM
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Marta Offline OP
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He would say, I don't know...

You have hit the nail on the head!! It is like we are giving book reports to each other.

However, I know what he is going to say anyway to be honest.. We played a game called Reunion that my therapist told me to get... It was a whole game of your funniest memory from childhood... here is a scenario, what would you do? ( You wrote down what you thought and then the other person said.) All sorts of stuff. It was fine. I knew everything. I can tell his childhood stories. I knew EXACTLY how he would respond in all of the situations. He got wrong one of those out of the 20 we did or so

I found something on the Dating Divas site. It was a bookworm date. We each find a recipe in a book that we like and show it to the other.. We take a quiz in a magazine. We find our favorite children's book to share with each other... 6 different things. I'll see if that sparks something...

Re: Conversation [Re: Marta] #405408
02/19/16 06:37 PM
02/19/16 06:37 PM
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Chrysalis Offline
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I think you should undertake a joint activity that is new to both of you. My H and I took sailing lessons and go sailing when we can. We are planning an adventure trip, both of us handling different parts of the planning.

Since you both enjoy missions, what about going someplace completely new and different to you? Or planning a different kind of giving trip? What about joining an archeological dig?

The only rules are that it must be new to both of you, and you both take part in the learning and planning, and it has to be something you both are open to.

This will have a natural result of giving you something new and equally interesting to talk about.

H and I went sailing last weekend, first time in months. It was a gorgeous day. We saw dolphins and a humpback whale. Only downside, no wind. For me it was a fantastic day of beauty. For him it was just an OK day because we had to motor much of the day and there were more people on the sail than we were used to sailing with. Now we have more information about each other-- the physical acts of sailing are really important to him, and the visual/experiential parts of being in nature are more important to me. And it's OK that I enjoyed the day more than he did. (another subtle boundary issue for you to chew on.)


Chrysalis
Re: Conversation [Re: Chrysalis] #405412
02/19/16 07:29 PM
02/19/16 07:29 PM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,879
Marta Offline OP
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He had a few chart s left to dictate. He and my daughter are going on a mission trip in a totally new part of the world in a couple of weeks. Still feels like a business decision making plans.

Many people have mentioned taking a class or something. Our local cc has dog grooming or flower arranging.... We live in a rural area... I'll have to keep looking. But still, to travel means legwork which feels like work not fun

Re: Conversation [Re: Marta] #405428
02/20/16 02:11 AM
02/20/16 02:11 AM
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Chrysalis Offline
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How about a group tour? We went to Costa Rica through Trafalgar and it worked well. We got a discount through our Costco membership. It was very well organized. And they made a point about exposing tour participants to the real people in the country, not just luxury. That would take away the drudgery you don't like, and present a new experience.


Chrysalis
Re: Conversation [Re: Chrysalis] #405430
02/20/16 02:16 AM
02/20/16 02:16 AM
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Marta Offline OP
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Yeah, but there is NO way hubby would go for a group tour. He wants to be able to just go explore and do what he wants and doesn't want to be tied down to a group. We've talked about that before.

Last edited by Marta; 02/20/16 02:17 AM.
Re: Conversation [Re: Marta] #405433
02/20/16 02:22 AM
02/20/16 02:22 AM
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Chrysalis Offline
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He may have some misconceptions. While there is a schedule, there is also lots of choice and free time.


Chrysalis
Re: Conversation [Re: Chrysalis] #405434
02/20/16 02:23 AM
02/20/16 02:23 AM
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Chrysalis Offline
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Why not trade off the planning jobs and let him take on some of it? Since it takes your fun away to do the planning?


Chrysalis
Re: Conversation [Re: Chrysalis] #405436
02/20/16 02:58 AM
02/20/16 02:58 AM
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Marta Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Chrysalis
Why not trade off the planning jobs and let him take on some of it? Since it takes your fun away to do the planning?


That will be hard. I would have to just refuse to do any of it..

I tried for our 25th anniversary... He sort of planned it, but he made me look over all the arrangements and say yeah or nay on the bed and breakfasts and such that he picked out.. He is so funny. He won't even send an email without my reading it over...

Re: Conversation [Re: Marta] #405440
02/20/16 08:46 AM
02/20/16 08:46 AM
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Chrysalis Offline
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Marta, growth opportunities are great for increasing intimacy. When one or both must stretch= magic.


Chrysalis
Re: Conversation [Re: Chrysalis] #405441
02/20/16 10:41 AM
02/20/16 10:41 AM
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Marta Offline OP
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Does that mean just refuse to plan them? Does that mean I should refuse to give input as well?

Re: Conversation [Re: Marta] #405442
02/20/16 02:18 PM
02/20/16 02:18 PM
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Miranda Offline
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It means if you want things to change you have to CHANGE


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Conversation [Re: Miranda] #405834
03/01/16 12:52 PM
03/01/16 12:52 PM
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Marta Offline OP
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Ok, so last night is what I was missing to a certain degree. We had 4 other couples over to celebrate the end of a marriage Bible study I had been doing with the ladies. It was actually his idea to have everyone over. We had these bracelets the guys were giving the ladies . ( It was a surprise for them.) So I handed out the bags to the guys to give the gals and I looked at my husband and said, "I don't know where mine is." ( He had ordered mine on his own as a surprise, but then didn't realize I was ordering them..long story but he had mine.) He left the room and came back with a grill part and tried to hand it to me with great laughter, including my own. Later we were sharing stories of some of the practical jokes we've played on each other over the years.. It is that twinkle in his eye teasing that I miss. His teasing is NOT mean or tinged with sarcasm ( you know the kind of joking I'm talking about) It is good natured, sweet teasing. I remember when I met his grandparents and I thought, "Ah.. this is where he gets it from." because they had the same kind of sweet teasing relationship and he loved giving her a hard time.

THAT is what I really miss. Last night was a lot of fun.

Re: Conversation [Re: Marta] #405837
03/01/16 01:53 PM
03/01/16 01:53 PM
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Miranda Offline
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YAY!!!

I'm so glad you had the kind of night you've been missing, Marta.

I hope that can happen for me in my relationship too someday.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Conversation [Re: Marta] #405894
03/01/16 10:11 PM
03/01/16 10:11 PM
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Originally Posted By: Marta
Ok, so last night is what I was missing to a certain degree. We had 4 other couples over to celebrate the end of a marriage Bible study I had been doing with the ladies. It was actually his idea to have everyone over. We had these bracelets the guys were giving the ladies . ( It was a surprise for them.) So I handed out the bags to the guys to give the gals and I looked at my husband and said, "I don't know where mine is." ( He had ordered mine on his own as a surprise, but then didn't realize I was ordering them..long story but he had mine.) He left the room and came back with a grill part and tried to hand it to me with great laughter, including my own. Later we were sharing stories of some of the practical jokes we've played on each other over the years.. It is that twinkle in his eye teasing that I miss. His teasing is NOT mean or tinged with sarcasm ( you know the kind of joking I'm talking about) It is good natured, sweet teasing. I remember when I met his grandparents and I thought, "Ah.. this is where he gets it from." because they had the same kind of sweet teasing relationship and he loved giving her a hard time.

THAT is what I really miss. Last night was a lot of fun.


That is awesome. Now be sure and tell him very directly that you loved the evening and that you need more of that.

Re: Conversation [Re: SmilingWife] #405965
03/03/16 03:18 PM
03/03/16 03:18 PM
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Glad you got some of what you were needing. I agree with SW. Make sure hubby hears out loud from you that you very much enjoyed last night and would like more of that. Maybe you should have other couples over more frequently? Maybe it is easier for your H to let that side of himself out in front of a group rather than just one on one?


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: Conversation [Re: holdingontoit] #406012
03/04/16 03:57 AM
03/04/16 03:57 AM
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AntigoneRisen Offline
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Oh, yes. Appreciation and admiration are as addictive as crack to most men (and, let's be honest, most women). We love to be appreciated and admired!


Critical Thinking: The Other National Deficit

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens
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