Who's Online Now
0 registered members (), 2 guests, and 17 spiders.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
 Trending Topics(Posts)
1.How to deconstruct a marriage.0
2.I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support.0
3.SIHW is back and Dealing with issues....0
4.looking for some support0
5.Social Networking Sites and Infidelity0
6.Signs of Infidelity0
7.The Difference Between Cheating and Infidelity?0
8.Not really sure how to survive0
9.The Five Big Lies That Keep You From Changing0
10.Pregnant and getting put out of the house by my husband0
*By replies in last 2 weeks.
In The Media(Posts)
Woman urges NC lawmakers to end child marriage: For her it was a ‘life sentence’3
COVID-19 and the Increased Likelihood of Affairs3
Does anyone remember this story?3
Validation to find-win-win slutions2
Things men want3
These Are The Signs You're Dating A Narcissist3
Girlfriend's 'controlling' list of 22 rules for boyfriend goes viral: 'She sounds crazy'9
What Divorced Men Wish They Had Done Differently In Their Marriages7
Alienation of Affection / Criminal Conversation9
Would you pay your ex a 'break-up fee'? - BBC3
more >>
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Did not recover marriage, but life post-divorce is going great! #40666
12/27/10 04:04 AM
12/27/10 04:04 AM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 30
R
Raquel73 Offline OP
Member
Raquel73  Offline OP
Member
R
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 30
Hi!

I know there is a lot of you suffering out there. A lot trying to recover your marriages, some feeling hopeless. I want to give you hope from someone who has gone through Hell and is back on top again....

I just joined this site, but I'm really familiar with Marriagebuilders. I do read here a lot. I am rooting for all of you!

My ex left me for someone else, an older Ho on her 5th marriage. He lost his mind. We have 3 kids. I did not know of MB until about 2 months before the divorce (Aug 2007). I did everything wrong. It was 2 years of Hell which almost broke me, I went through a pretty deep depression and was almost to the point of a breakdown. We lived in TX at the time. Ho and her Husband moved to Ohio. One night in October 2007 my ex just took off to OH; he left his job, apartment and everything behind - I was left in a tiny apartment with 3 kids, a broken down car, no child support, and I soon lost my job. We packed up and moved to Northern California in January 2008, borrowing money from different relatives which barely got us there. We lived with my Grandmother for a little over a year. It was extremely difficult finding a job - I swallowed my pride and worked many temp and seasonal positions. May 2009 we moved to ghetto apartments, but it was ours. Them, in August 2009, I was offered a temp position with a company that sells almonds all over the world. Even as a temp, they treated me well and paid well. February 2010, I was made a permanent employee. In May 2010, we moved out of the ghetto apartments to a very nice rental home in a good area with good schools, within walking distance of my work. My kids required a lot of therapy and work over the divorce, but they are happy now. Just this month, I got a huge Christmas bonus and found out I'm getting a 30% raise to start off my New Year. We go to a wonderful church where I have lots of friends who support and pray for us. I have made friends with the Moms and the teachers at my kids' schools. My oldest son is 16 and takes guitar lessons - he practices all the time. My younger son is 13 and wrestles and plays soccer. He is very popular at school and has tons of friends. My daughter is 10 and is such a free spirit - loves to sing and play.

And my ex - well, funny thing is, once he got to OH to be with his GF - well, that relationship just died. Very quickly. Once I was nowhere in the picture, it just wasn't interesting anymore, I guess. By April of 2008, he was laid off, had no girlfriend, and totaled his car. He had to call his Mommy and Daddy to come up there from Oklahoma (where we're both originally from), to come and save him. They are extremely enabling so they did. He lived with them for a long time, and recently moved into his deceased grandmother's home with his younger brother. His parents had 3 boys - my ex was the oldest - and all three are divorced and sponging off Mommy and Daddy. The youngest has drug and domestic violence charges. My ex sacrificed everything for his affair. He lost his wife, his kids, his money, his job, and any self respect or dignity he ever had. OW got off scot free. She sacrificed nothing. My ex sees his kids maybe 2 - 3 times a year. Half his check is garnished for child support. I saw him a couple of weeks ago when he came to visit the kids (1st time in 3 years he made the effort to come and see them). He looks horrible. He is overweight, has a scraggly beard, hair is graying and looks generally nasty and grimy, his clothes look worn and threadbare. We are about the same age (37) but I am always told I look like I'm in my late 20's.

This year we had the best Christmas ever!!! It has been 3 years since the divorce, almost 5 years since he started the affair. And I am so much better off and happier than I ever was when I was even married. Life is good. It was extremely rough during the affair and soooo hard during the unemployment and having to be on food stamps and medi-Cal and all that. But I now have a great job, unbelievable health benefits, great kids, wonderful friends, and a decent income. Stay strong, everyone, and hang in there. Whether you recover your marriage or not, you will persevere.

Oh, and Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!


Re: Did not recover marriage, but life post-divorce is going great! [Re: Raquel73] #40669
12/27/10 04:10 AM
12/27/10 04:10 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,309
Colorado
LovingAnyway Offline
Member
LovingAnyway  Offline
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,309
Colorado
Welcome to MA, Raquel.

Thank you so much for sharing your very inspirational story.

Congratulations on all your blessings pouring down...you are a blessing.

LA


The Paradoxical Commandments

Married 28 years/Together 30
Recovered 10 years
MALovingAnyway@gmail.com
Re: Did not recover marriage, but life post-divorce is going great! [Re: Raquel73] #40752
12/27/10 02:10 PM
12/27/10 02:10 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,535
Ace Offline
Advocate
Ace  Offline
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,535
Yea! Hi Raquel!

It's so good to see you here! I remember you from MB...you posted on the thread I started entitled "Affairs $uck" and I felt so bad for you back in 2007.

How neat to see you're doing sooooooo well after all you and the kids have been through. I hope it's OK if I ask a few questions..... I'll post them in green below. If any of your replies feel like it's too personal, that's OK. But if it's OK, I think many could be helped by what you did to overcome what seemed like a hopeless scenario! Again, welcome to MA.

Originally Posted By: Raquel73
Hi!

I know there is a lot of you suffering out there. A lot trying to recover your marriages, some feeling hopeless. I want to give you hope from someone who has gone through Hell and is back on top again....

I just joined this site, but I'm really familiar with Marriagebuilders. I do read here a lot. I am rooting for all of you!


Your experiences seem to have made you stronger. I'm hoping that you will be able to share specific things with others in need. Might that be possible? If not, I understand but we could use many who have overcome what you have here.


My ex left me for someone else, an older Ho on her 5th marriage. He lost his mind. We have 3 kids. I did not know of MB until about 2 months before the divorce (Aug 2007). I did everything wrong. It was 2 years of Hell which almost broke me, I went through a pretty deep depression and was almost to the point of a breakdown.

What did you do that made you say that you did 'everything wrong?' Many feel that if they don't follow certain plans exactly that they are doomed. Here on MA we know that such is not true, that no one plan will work perfectly for all posters. Obviously you did many things right, but what did you think you were doing wrong at the time?

We lived in TX at the time. Ho and her Husband moved to Ohio. One night in October 2007 my ex just took off to OH; he left his job, apartment and everything behind - I was left in a tiny apartment with 3 kids, a broken down car, no child support, and I soon lost my job. We packed up and moved to Northern California in January 2008, borrowing money from different relatives which barely got us there. We lived with my Grandmother for a little over a year. It was extremely difficult finding a job - I swallowed my pride and worked many temp and seasonal positions. May 2009 we moved to ghetto apartments, but it was ours.

Later you mentioned your Ex having his wages garnished. When in the above timeline did this begin to happen? I know many are in this type of position without having any child support. Maybe later you might mention how you were able to get your Ex's paycheck garnished. (I'm actually thinking we might start an "Affairs $uck" thread here on the MA Infidelity and Abandonment forum....you seem like you could be the poster-girl/family for how to overcome both!) claps Might you be able to help with such a thread?

Then, in August 2009, I was offered a temp position with a company that sells almonds all over the world. Even as a temp, they treated me well and paid well. February 2010, I was made a permanent employee. In May 2010, we moved out of the ghetto apartments to a very nice rental home in a good area with good schools, within walking distance of my work.

This is so cool, but again, how did you save up the funds needed to make this progression in such a short time with 3 school-aged kids involved with sports and music and stuff?

My kids required a lot of therapy and work over the divorce, but they are happy now.


Where did you find this therapy for your kids and how did you pay for it on such limited income?


Just this month, I got a huge Christmas bonus and found out I'm getting a 30% raise to start off my New Year. We go to a wonderful church where I have lots of friends who support and pray for us. I have made friends with the Moms and the teachers at my kids' schools.

Wow! Look at all the blessings! This is soooo cool Raquel, especially when you look back at from where you've come! What would be the one greatest thing you might consider to be the biggest reason you've succeeded so far?

My oldest son is 16 and takes guitar lessons - he practices all the time. My younger son is 13 and wrestles and plays soccer. He is very popular at school and has tons of friends. My daughter is 10 and is such a free spirit - loves to sing and play.

Congratulations on your being a super-mom! I'm sure there were many times when you doubted....at least there would have been for me. How did you focus? What were your priorities? Again, what might be the top reason why you think your kids are doing so well (other than your being there for them)?

And my ex - well, funny thing is, once he got to OH to be with his GF - well, that relationship just died. Very quickly. Once I was nowhere in the picture, it just wasn't interesting anymore, I guess. By April of 2008, he was laid off, had no girlfriend, and totaled his car. He had to call his Mommy and Daddy to come up there from Oklahoma (where we're both originally from), to come and save him. They are extremely enabling so they did. He lived with them for a long time, and recently moved into his deceased grandmother's home with his younger brother. His parents had 3 boys - my ex was the oldest - and all three are divorced and sponging off Mommy and Daddy. The youngest has drug and domestic violence charges. My ex sacrificed everything for his affair. He lost his wife, his kids, his money, his job, and any self respect or dignity he ever had.

This is so sad but so typical. That's why this site is here....to try to help avoid this, but when/if it happens to help the victims persevere and overcome.

OW got off scot free. She sacrificed nothing.

I often wonder about this. I guess there's really no way for us to know how the OP is doing or what they're thinking but I'll wager that a few of them eventually grow a conscience and develop a bit of remorse. But it really doesn't matter in the big scheme of things....unless you're weird like me an hope they recover, too. blush Hopefully the cycle might stop somewhere....maybe...maybe not. <sigh>

My ex sees his kids maybe 2 - 3 times a year. Half his check is garnished for child support. I saw him a couple of weeks ago when he came to visit the kids (1st time in 3 years he made the effort to come and see them). He looks horrible. He is overweight, has a scraggly beard, hair is graying and looks generally nasty and grimy, his clothes look worn and threadbare. We are about the same age (37) but I am always told I look like I'm in my late 20's.

I'm glad he came to see his kids and that you could allow it in spite of all he put you through. You're a bigger person than I might possibly be in the same scenario. How do the kids feel about his not visiting for so long and then finally coming after 3 years?

This year we had the best Christmas ever!!! It has been 3 years since the divorce, almost 5 years since he started the affair. And I am so much better off and happier than I ever was when I was even married. Life is good. It was extremely rough during the affair and soooo hard during the unemployment and having to be on food stamps and medi-Cal and all that.

You are the reason "government assistance" is so valuable....to help folks get back on their feet and off such assistance. Good for you! How were you able to persevere and accomplish all of this in the midst of the worst recession/depression in recent history?

But I now have a great job, unbelievable health benefits, great kids, wonderful friends, and a decent income. Stay strong, everyone, and hang in there.

Wow! Whoda thunk? dancing highfive hug

Whether you recover your marriage or not, you will persevere.

To me, this is one of the most important statements in your entire post. IMVHO, betrayed spouses need to focus all their energies on themselves and their individual recovery so they can be strong for their kids. You did it! It's very difficult. Whatever your WH/EX chooses to do is secondary. It seems like when BS's focus on trying to do everything to win back the WS and possibly neglect their own needs and the kids' needs that they end up worse than before. In your case, you have everything including your self-respect, which, IMVHO is one of the most important things to maintain in the midst of such chaos.

Oh, and Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!

Back atcha!!! Again, Raquel, thank you so much for making time to share. Like I said, if any of my questions are too personal, feel free to not answer or send me a PM ~ we have those enabled here and it's cool! Just click on "My Stuff" above and then "messages"...and when you see a blinking red envelope above, it means you have a reply! (I didn't know that for awhile, just thought it was a site decor or something for the longest time!)


Your post on the other thread and here have made my day so far! It's soooooo good to see you here. I hope you're able to check back on a regular basis.

Happy New Year to you and your family, Raquel and I'm so glad you had such a great Christmas! May your joy continue throughout the New Year and beyond.

Blessings to you,

Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: Did not recover marriage, but life post-divorce is going great! [Re: Ace] #40904
12/27/10 07:25 PM
12/27/10 07:25 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,309
Colorado
LovingAnyway Offline
Member
LovingAnyway  Offline
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,309
Colorado
Raquel,

I'm with Acey on asking for more from you, more details, experiences, what you told yourself to keep you going, how you did this.

I thought about your post last night and this morning. I wanted to come back and say this--saw Ace had beaten me to it.

It's okay...I'm used to it. I'm turtle slow comparatively.

grin

LA


The Paradoxical Commandments

Married 28 years/Together 30
Recovered 10 years
MALovingAnyway@gmail.com
Re: Did not recover marriage, but life post-divorce is going great! [Re: Ace] #40950
12/27/10 09:10 PM
12/27/10 09:10 PM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 30
R
Raquel73 Offline OP
Member
Raquel73  Offline OP
Member
R
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 30
I just posted a great, long post, and then lost it!!!! Scream!

Anyway, I'll answer each question individually:

ME: My ex left me for someone else, an older Ho on her 5th marriage. He lost his mind. We have 3 kids. I did not know of MB until about 2 months before the divorce (Aug 2007). I did everything wrong. It was 2 years of Hell which almost broke me; I went through a pretty deep depression and was almost to the point of a breakdown.

Ace: What did you do that made you say that you did 'everything wrong?' Many feel that if they don't follow certain plans exactly that they are doomed. Here on MA we know that such is not true, that no one plan will work perfectly for all posters. Obviously you did many things right, but what did you think you were doing wrong at the time?

Me: There was a lot leading up to the actual affair - our marriage was in really bad shape. He lost a really good job Fall of 2002, and it took him 6 months to find a new job. Right before he lost the job, we were doing well. Just bought a 5 bed, 3 bath house on an acre of land in the country, and for the first time in our lives we were caught up financially and looking forward to starting retirement savings, college savings, and having the extras, like vacations, etc. During the period he lost his job, he wasn't looking that hard. It was at this point I think there was a bit of a change in him. Whenever I was without a job, I would pound the pavement, go through want ads, internet, network, until I finally had something. I was never without a job very long. So I didn't have much patience coming home and finding him sleeping, playing video games, or watching a movie. Also, I felt since I was working, he should at least have the house clean, make dinner, and take care of the kids. He did the bare minimum. A friend of mine helped get him on as a delivery driver with a company. He worked there for a few days, then quit because "he didn't like it." But he didn't just quit; he just didn't show up. Me, my friend, and the guy who had pushed to have him hired all looked like idiots! To this day, I will very rarely ever recommend someone for a job.

He finally secured a temp position with the possibility of permanent employment with TI Spring of 2003. It was at drastically lower pay, 12 hour night shifts, 7 PM - 7 AM. I had left for work before he got home, and I would see him just as he was leaving to work in the evenings. We were extremely behind in finances, so he was working as much as possible to try and catch us up. But neither one of us were financially responsible. Normally, I would draw up budgets, which were very tight and unrealistic (I see this now), he would eat out every night (because God forbid he take his lunch), I would get mad because he wouldn't stick to the budget so I would retaliate by taking kids to movies or out to eat on weekends, and the overdraft fees piled on. I made a bad situation worse.

At the same time he started his new job, my job (UPS) decided to do this big, nationwide internal re-organization. My district merged with another, so they got rid of most of our managers (who were very good) and sent us to the new Business Development office which was twice the driving distance away. We were the new step-children, basically, and the management there was horrible. I was driving about 1 ½ hours one way - and that was in nice weather. It was also at this point gas prices rose to astronomical prices. We were spending about $100 per week just in gas.

Life was very miserable throughout 2004 and 2005. I remember being angry, exhausted, and fatigued all the time. My ex basically worked and slept, the excuse being "He works 12-hour nights." Nothing else could be expected of him. I had a full-time job I hated plus all the responsibilities of a stay-at-home mom. I had to get up at 5 AM, get kids and myself ready, spent 3 hours of each day just driving to and from work, get home and feed kids, do homework, get them to bed, and try to get some housework in there. The house was always a disaster - kids were still small and my ex was always sleeping when he was home so there was no boundaries regarding eating food in the living room, toys and trash were everywhere, crumbs all over the floor, dirty dishes, etc. I don't know if anyone has experience with this, but it is such a downer to come home to a trashed house day after day after day. I used to think "Why can't he just do 1 load of dishes or 1 load of laundry, or spend 15 minutes vacuuming and picking up right before I get home? Why do I have to do everything? Don't we both work?" My ex was very passive aggressive. I would ask him to do dishes and he would let them sit for days, and then I would come home and he would be doing them (but by then it was 3 to 4 loads of dishes, instead of just 1), and I'd be the b!tch for being mad. I was pissed all the time, my weight was skyrocketing out of control, I had no interest in sex, and I started smoking.

So, around Spring of 2005 my ex checked out emotionally. I realize this was about when the Emotional Affair began. I was stressed about everything. He didn't seem to care about anything. We ended up declaring Chapter 13, and payments came out of my check, which left me with a little over $300 on each check. I new we had some serious issues, so I printed out a list of counselors approved by my insurance and told my ex to choose one and call and schedule an appointment. I felt he should take some responsibility and do something - mistake! Of course he didn't.

Fall of 2005 he became very sneaky. Whereas in the past he always needed his sleep, which was a priority over anything and everything in life because "he worked 12 hour nights," all of a sudden he had energy to go out with friends after work, staying out till 2 PM and getting only 3 hours of sleep before work, and staying out late "bowling" on his nights off until wee hours in the morning. His cell phone was glued to his side and he became very secretive with it. He talked increasingly about moving out. He insists the physical affair didn't begin until after he moved (because, of course, that makes it okay) but I believe it started that Fall.

He moved out officially February 2006. I knew something was wrong. I had clues and all sorts of suspicions, but nothing concrete. It wasn't until I checked his cell in June 2006 I knew for sure. I confronted and he admitted. I cried - we had a bad marriage but for some reason, I didn't want to give up. I resolved to fight for it. I confronted his GF, who was older woman from his work on her 5th marriage. I knew nothing about affairs or how to handle any of this. I didn't know just how textbook my ex was. He gave me the "I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You" speech. I didn't expose. I LB'd like crazy! I would go over and just discuss the relationship and try to force him to choose. I was literally going crazy - and for a while I was the crazy ex. My ex was the King of Cake-Eating and he would treat my like crap, then sweet-talk me and draw me back in, then do it again. It hurt worse every time. I became whiny and needy. I fought with him and called him every name in the book, regardless of the children being there or not. I caused a lot of psychological damage to them - I totally neglected their needs. Child support was sporadic. I became a stalker. One day I went by and overheard them having sex through the bedroom window, so I broke his window. I became horribly depressed, lost 50 lbs, wasn't eating, wasn't sleeping, and would stay out on my apartment balcony chain-smoking until way early in the morning. By June 2006 we had changed to Chapter 7 bankruptcy and everything was lost. Including any dignity or self-respect I ever had.

I finally approached my doctor and he put me on AD's. These helped some. I do have to give some kudos to my friends. Without them I never would have gotten through this. My family is extremely screwed up, so they really weren't much help through this. My bio Mom has never been a part of my life too much. My step Mom and her side view me as a "Black Sheep" and it kind of feels like they were just waiting for the marriage to fail so they could say "I told you so." My Father's side loves me and hopes I will succeed, but they generally have no real respect for marriage. My Dad's been married 4 times.

I finally made the decision to divorce in Feb 2007. My ex OD'd on some meds after fighting with OW. I received the text from her and went to check it out. My daughter was there (she was only 6 at the time), home sick from school. I called 911 - my ex locked me out. Cops and ambulance came and broke down the door and took him to the hospital. My daughter saw everything and she has never forgotten this. He was in the hospital for a day or two, I called his parents and they came down. They knew about his affair, and while they did not approve, they were still somewhat enabling. We visited him in the psych ward and brought him stuff. We waited that Sunday he was supposed to be released to pick him up. The doctor from the ward called and asked me questions regarding his release. I answered then asked if he was ready to be picked up. He responded "I think transportation has already been arranged." I texted OW - sure enough, he had her pick him up and he spent the rest of the day with her. I remember the looks on his parents' faces when they heard this, While enabling, this was still very shocking for them and changed to their whole perception and relationship with their son to this very day. While they still help him, they don't really converse or interact with him like they used to. I think this was an act that really disgusted them. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I filed immediately.

So I discovered MB in June 2007, but it was way too late by then. I had so much hate and anger for him at that point. Divorce was final August 10, 2007.

I'll answer more, but, as you can tell, I'm very long winded! And this was just to tell you everything I did wrong!

Re: Did not recover marriage, but life post-divorce is going great! [Re: Raquel73] #41077
12/28/10 02:33 AM
12/28/10 02:33 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,309
Colorado
LovingAnyway Offline
Member
LovingAnyway  Offline
Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,309
Colorado
I'm very much looking forward to more. I don't mind long-winded when it's so full of great information.

Thank you, thank you!

LA


The Paradoxical Commandments

Married 28 years/Together 30
Recovered 10 years
MALovingAnyway@gmail.com
Re: Did not recover marriage, but life post-divorce is going great! [Re: Raquel73] #41127
12/28/10 06:05 AM
12/28/10 06:05 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,535
Ace Offline
Advocate
Ace  Offline
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,535
Originally Posted By: Raquel73
It wasn't until I checked his cell in June 2006 I knew for sure.


OMG, Raquel!

Right Here Waiting and I both have June 2006 Devastation Days when the infidelity bomb was dropped on us, front and center! You and I and she have something huge in common! Her story is on her blog but I'm hoping she will transfer bits of it here.

I didn't start the Affairs $uck thread until July or August 2007 and I recall that your situation was the absolute worse of all. It's interesting to note what you think you did wrong. I'll bet that if you think long and hard, you'll come up with lots of things you did right.

I'm looking forward to the next edition, details and all. By posting the depth of your despair, you are giving many a glimpse of how hopeless your sitch seemed....at the same time you can give them much hope by seeing what you did to overcome all those nasty challenges, in spite of your mistakes.

Thanks, Raquel. You're a great story-teller.

Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: Did not recover marriage, but life post-divorce is going great! [Re: Ace] #41133
12/28/10 06:30 AM
12/28/10 06:30 AM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 30
R
Raquel73 Offline OP
Member
Raquel73  Offline OP
Member
R
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 30
Ace: Later you mentioned your Ex having his wages garnished. When in the above timeline did this begin to happen? I know many are in this type of position without having any child support. Maybe later you might mention how you were able to get your Ex's paycheck garnished. (I'm actually thinking we might start an "Affairs $uck" thread here on the MA Infidelity and Abandonment forum....you seem like you could be the poster-girl/family for how to overcome both!) Might you be able to help with such a thread?

Me: I was too nice. When he left in Feb 2006, I was having payments for Chapter 13 bankruptcy taken out of my check, which only left me a little over $300 per weekly paycheck. He said he would give me enough for the house payment every month, but he was always late or didn't have the full amount. We were way behind anyway and getting threatening foreclosure letters. Even with the Chapter 13, we still fell behind. I was a mess and just could not handle finances or anything. It was all so overwhelming for me at that time. There was no way to pay for all the expenses with only $1,200 - $1,300 per month - gas, utilities, food, etc. When we revised the bankruptcy to Chapter 7, it was in June of 2006 and I lost the house for good. I moved into a tiny 2 bed apt on the 3rd floor. Ever try to condense 5 bedroom home into 2 bedroom apt? It was miserable and I had to do most of the work. Still, I had hope I would recover my marriage, so I tried not to upset him too much regarding money. He would give some here and there but it was clear we were not a priority. His needs came first; we got the leftovers. If I asked for more or complained bout money, he would get irritated and say I didn't handle money correctly, he gave me enough to meet my expenses. There were even times I loaned him money and I bought him groceries when he got really sick and missed a week of work. It was shortly after the divorce I wised up and filed for child support, about September 2007. The State of Texas gets right to work, too. My ex was not happy at the amount and thought it was excessive (of course). I think this was part of the reason he left the state (besides following OW). But TX CS system is pretty good; it followed him everywhere. He went through periods of unemployment, but every time he got a job, regardless of the state, they found him and garnished immediately. Which is why he now has 50% garnished and owes back payments of over $20,000, which he and his family thinks is just soooo excessive and unfair.

Me: Then, in August 2009, I was offered a temp position with a company that sells almonds all over the world. Even as a temp, they treated me well and paid well. February 2010, I was made a permanent employee. In May 2010, we moved out of the ghetto apartments to a very nice rental home in a good area with good schools, within walking distance of my work.


Ace: This is so cool, but again, how did you save up the funds needed to make this progression in such a short time with 3 school-aged kids involved with sports and music and stuff?

Me: I was such a mess in 2007 I didn't even file tax returns that year. So, in 2008, I had moved to California at the beginning of January. I had Christmas money and donations from different relatives. I still had to have relatives wire money a couple of times over the trip. I lived with my grandmother over a year, so January 2008 to April 2009. I received a little bit of CS Spring of 2008 until the ex lost his job. I filed my tax returns for both 2006 and 2007, and got money back for both. I had to use these to pay off debts and planning. At that point, my credit was so bad I couldn't open a checking account. I also had some tickets outstanding in Texas which needed to be taken care of. So, while money was tight, I didn't have to pay rent or utilities, thanks to my wonderful Grandmother. She was the only relative who would take us all in without holding it over our heads all the time. Still, it was difficult since I was used to being independent and raising my kids without a lot of outside input (plus, my grandfather is one grumpy old man who never really liked children). I got one job in march 2008 as a temp - it lasted 9 days when the background check showed I wrote a hot check (which I had paid along with all fees, but was apparently still on my record). I got on the complete Calworks system - Food Stamps, Cash Aid, and Medical and Dental. I was unemployed up until June 2008, where I got a part-time temp position with a medical company. It was a nice job with great people, but didn't pay much. Then, in October 2008, I finally was offered a job in HR for a trucking company. I was elated - full-time, permanent job with decent pay. The girl I was supposed to be assisting was out on medical leave. Everyone just loved this woman. When she got back, I don't think she was too happy I was there. She viewed me as a threat, a "replacement." No effort was made to train me, and I was doing a lot of filing. She was always saying she was "so busy, had to catch up." She was an older, overweight woman with no family, so this job was her life. She finally got around to showing me one report. Afterwards, she told the hiring manager my computer skills weren't up to date and I should be somewhere else (despite the fact I did the one report she trained me on the next week perfectly without assistance). Two weeks later, I was fired, saying they didn't have a place for me. I was devastated.

I got a seasonal job at Macy's for the Christmas season. Then, February of 2009, I got another temp position at a Livestock Feed and Garden Store. It didn't pay much, but it was full time. Aside from my car payment, which wasn't much, I had no other payments. So I was still able to keep the kids in soccer and different sports like that. My grandmother was also eager to help. She would provide a full tank of gas here and there. Also, people are really great when they see someone in need. My son was in little league and they were selling tickets to the Minor League team here. We couldn't afford it. The coach bought tickets for my whole family.

I got a good tax return in Spring of 2009, and with a somewhat steady income I managed to move into some cheap apartments in a bad neighborhood. My Grandmother and I love each other a lot, but we were both ready for me and my kids to move out. The gang-banger neighborhood was a real eye-opener; I have never lived in those circumstances and never wished to again. I was never really afraid and my kids were never in danger. About 20% of the apartments were like me - hit bad times and working really hard to get out of this situation. The other 80% were worthless. They mostly just sell drugs and fight with each other and rival gang members. They are extremely ignorant; most like to sponge of society and feel entitled to take whatever they want. Everyone owes them a living. They had lots of kids with many different fathers (most not around), who were running wild throughout on their way to becoming future gang-bangers. But they didn't actually want to raise the kids or be parents to them in any way. It was very sad.

I was let go from the Feed store in about August 2009. They just said my temp assignment had run out. I wasn't too upset - the feed store was run by and extremely arrogant, egotistical man who went through temps like crazy. His business was thriving in spite of the recession and he was completely taking advantage of the economic climate by offering really low wages and going through temps but not offering any security. I know some who believe this is a good business practice and that this is "Capitalism" but I have no respect for business owners who take advantage of people's desperation like this.

I spent a very brief time at a repo business (also thriving) - but at the same time I was getting calls from another staffing agency regarding a job. They had actually seen my resume on Monster.com. I went through 2 interviews, and I was very nervous at losing my temp position for taking off work to go to these interviews. They offered me the job. It was the almond business. It was a great wage, more than I have ever been paid before. And that was just as a temp. It was a small company, but everyone was as nice as they could be. They don't sweat the small stuff - if I need to go to a meeting at my kids' schools, then I can go. If I'm ten minutes late, no big deal. We are all allowed to keep cell phones on our desk, make personal calls, and check our personal e-mail or facebook if we want to. This was unreal. I was used to a Big Brother attitude like at UPS, where HR honestly believes that "all employees are inherently evil and out to destroy the company!" (I'm a huge critic of corporate America). What's funny to me is - none of us employees ever abuse our privileges!!! We work our @sses off. I have never worked harder at a job in my life, and we get overtime constantly because we stay until issues are resolved and workloads are finished. Our boss rewards us well.

In February 2010, they made me permanent with full benefits. I got a kick-@ss tax return. So yes, I am able to afford the extras, but I did make sure I could keep the kids in activities even during the lean times. A lot of that had to do with priorities. My car is a piece of crap, but it's mine and if someone judges me on the car I drive I think that says more about them then it does me. All my furniture is hand-me downs; when you go in my house, nothing matches. It's just odds and pieces that make no sense. My kids don't care. Their friends don't care. Just a few blocks away from my place are million dollar homes - my kids go to school with these people's children. Parents from the rich side come by - they don't care how my house looks or how it's decorated. No one has ever been a snob - and they are much nicer than the ghetto families. We met my son's guitar teacher at church. He is a wonderful man who teaches my son every week. It's supposed to be $35.00/hr, but he always goes over the hour and doesn't charge us for it. Part of this is he likes my son so much. My son wanted to start wrestling last October, but money was tight at the time. The coach agreed to hold the check until my next payday. So, it wasn't always easy, but I generally could get the money for the activities I thought were important and never underestimate the generosity of others! Most people are pretty understanding once you let them know your situation.


Re: Did not recover marriage, but life post-divorce is going great! [Re: Raquel73] #41135
12/28/10 07:10 AM
12/28/10 07:10 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,535
Ace Offline
Advocate
Ace  Offline
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,535
Originally Posted By: Raquel73
Ace: I'm actually thinking we might start an "Affairs $uck" thread here on the MA Infidelity and Abandonment forum....you seem like you could be the poster-girl/family for how to overcome both! Might you be able to help with such a thread?


Wow Raquel, the more you share, the more I see how much of an inspiration you are and can be to many here.

Thanks for answering my questions. What a joy it is to see how your hard work and sacrifice have helped you get on the road to success. I think it says alot about your character.

I appreciate your sharing these intense details. I look forward to hearing more....let me know if you're able/willing/available to help if I decide to start an Affairs $uck thread like we had on MB. Not sure which forum but it will most likely be on the Infidelity and Abandonment forum. But it will be awhile so we have time to decide.

Thanks,
Ace



We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: Did not recover marriage, but life post-divorce is going great! [Re: Ace] #41236
12/28/10 05:17 PM
12/28/10 05:17 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,883
Gateway to the West
N
Not2fun Offline
Member
Not2fun  Offline
Member
N
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,883
Gateway to the West
{{{{Rachuel}}}}}

Thank you for sharing your story.....I have always enjoyed reading the personal recovery stories of those whose marriage didn't make it as much as the other.

Not2fun


" If you couldn't change your partner when you were together, you sure aren't going to now that you aren't together..." Words of the teacher of the court mandated parenting class...and the ONE thing that stuck out to me!!!
Re: Did not recover marriage, but life post-divorce is going great! [Re: Ace] #42044
12/30/10 04:27 AM
12/30/10 04:27 AM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 30
R
Raquel73 Offline OP
Member
Raquel73  Offline OP
Member
R
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 30
More answers:

Ace: Where did you find this therapy for your kids and how did you pay for it on such limited income?

Me: There are resources for those on limited incomes. Usually the school system or even the county will have services you can apply for and a lot of counselors will work on sliding scales. It's not impossible, but you do have to dig for it and do the work. My daughter was especially acting out so the schools were more than happy to refer us to their programs, and I also had CPS called on me three times! Three!!! Mainly because my daughter fabricated some story to her teachers and principal in order to deflect from her own behavior. I learned a lot from those caseworkers, who were very nice and understanding people. I know we read a lot about bad caseworkers, but I did not have that experience. Most caseworkers are horribly underpaid county workers with extremely unrealistic number of caseloads. They work many hours a week driving all over the county and seeing the worst of people. I had one caseworker tell me it was a pleasure to see a family like mine because she is normally being cussed out by the parents AND kids at the homes she has to visit. They also gave me a list of counseling programs and classes I could take for parenting.

Ace: Wow! Look at all the blessings! This is soooo cool Raquel, especially when you look back at from where you've come! What would be the one greatest thing you might consider to be the biggest reason you've succeeded so far?

Me: A lot of it had to do with the fact I removed myself from a lot of negativity. Like I had mentioned before, my friends really helped me a lot through the affair and divorce, not my family. Once the divorce was done, though, and my ex had left the state, I had hit rock bottom (December 2007). My car was breaking down, my credit was trashed, I had lost my job, no child support at the time - I had to make a choice:
1. Be homeless with three kids
2. Move to Oklahoma, where my stepmom, in-laws, and other friends were. My stepmom was actually offering to buy me a house.
3. Move to Northern California and move in with my Grandmother until I got back on my feet.

Obviously, #1 wasn't really an option. # 2 was actually offered - my stepmom said she would buy me a house. However, she never gives anything without strings attached. I knew if I accepted her offer, then every time I did or said anything she didn't like, it would be held over my head. Also, I had just gone through an extremely difficult time in my life. I did not want to go somewhere where there would be a lot of negative people or I would feel like a loser. I needed positivity in my life. Negative people are toxic and they will zap the life out of you. My grandmother always believed I can do anything. So I chose California. It was hard. The job market was bad everywhere, but it way 10 times worse here. There wasn't a lot of help with the kids. But it was done on my terms, and that was important to me. And I'm a hard worker. When my boss fired me in Texas (1st time I had ever been fired in my life), I told her "I will be successful someday in spite of you!."

I'm also a very determined person once I set my mind to something. I guess a lot of it has to do with the fact that my childhood was kind of messed up. But my parents did instill a strong work ethic in me and that's worked to my advantage. I worked and saved $50 when I was 7 years old to buy my own bike. I bought my own car at 16 and paid for my own insurance. There were no free rides. And I know there are no free rides in life and that I am not entitled to anything, and if I want something I am going to have to work ten times harder than the average person to get it. It is what it is. I'm not afraid of failure - I have failed at many things in my life. It took several attempts at college before I finally got through it. I will probably fail at many other things in life before I'm done. But I'd rather fail than say I never tried to do anything at all or never take a risk.


Ace: Congratulations on your being a super-mom! I'm sure there were many times when you doubted....at least there would have been for me. How did you focus? What were your priorities? Again, what might be the top reason why you think your kids are doing so well (other than your being there for them)?

Me: I think a lot of my attitude above shows why - I'm just a very determined person when I set my mind to it. And I'm not supermom! Far from it. For people that know me, I'm really not your typical woman. I sometimes joke I'm more of a man in some ways. I hate housework!!! I mean HATE!!! So domestic support has always been a big one with me, and if I get married again someday, I'm gonna make d@mn sure he does at least half! If we're both working full-time, that's only right. I will never again be with someone who expects me to do 90% of the household responsibilities. So, a lot of the time, my house will suffer because I can think of a million other things I would rather do with my kids than that. But they're older now and I make them do a lot more now (ha ha). But I walk into other women's homes and they're nicely decorated and have matching furniture and pictures on the wall and color schemes - and I admire it - because I have no idea how other women accomplish this!!! It's all I can do just to hang a family picture on the wall or put up blinds. I do not have that decorator touch or artistic sense at all. My stepmom can buy stuff at second hand store and make her living room look like Better Homes & Gardens.

So, housework tends to fall a bit by the wayside. Another thing, though - I talk to my kids. My oldest is especially awesome. He is 16, but more mature than most 40 year old men. If I'm wrong, I apologize. My parents would never admit wrong doing or apologize when I was a kid. I could never talk to them. My kids will talk to me. When my oldest was 12, he told me about some friends who were going to some neighbor guys apartment because they let him watch porn. They had invited him, and he refused and came straight home and told me. We called the police. The man was a sex offender who lured young boys in this manner. When I was a kid, a neighbor tried to molest me once. I did not let him, but I never told my parents about the incident, just avoided this neighbor like the plague. I could not talk to them. I did not want anything like that to happen between me and my kids.

Also, I try to teach my kids to be independent. I don't know, but I am just really critical of our society and how they seemed to have extended childhood into the twenties for kids. I read a great book called "Do hard Things: A Teenage Rebellion Against Low Expectations." This is an excellent book written by teen boys regarding how little society expects from teens and how they overcame this. It also focuses on the reason we have so many 30 and 40 year olds who can't seem to function in life; they never grew up. I want my kids to be independent. We have had some lean years so they appreciate more. They know they can't have everything. They know they have to work for something. When my oldest decided he wanted to play guitar, he bought his own guitar. And he made the effort to learn. It's been two years and he practices at least 3 hours a day. I have only started investing money in a guitar teacher for him in the past 6 months, and he listens to his teacher and employs the techniques he is taught until he has mastered them. He watches documentaries about musicians and knows the realities of the music industry. Same for my younger kids. My younger son works very hard at sports so I will invest in that. My daughter, well, we are still looking for her one thing. I talk to them about the world around us and what's going on so they are aware of social responsibilities and will take action when they see injustice or wrongs. I want my kids to be active in the world around them and have a social conscience. And so on and so on….

Last edited by Raquel73; 12/30/10 04:33 AM.
Re: Did not recover marriage, but life post-divorce is going great! [Re: Raquel73] #42114
12/30/10 02:25 PM
12/30/10 02:25 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,535
Ace Offline
Advocate
Ace  Offline
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,535
Hey Raquel,

First, thanks so much for making time to share all of this. I've known bits and pieces but had no idea the depth of your despair.

Your parents may have had their shortcomings, but IMVHO 2 of the best things they instilled in you were 1) your good work ethic and 2) your refusal to become an entitled victim of your circumstances. W0W ~ Gives me chills and what I call boose gumps as I read your accounts. grin

I look forward to hearing more that you have to share and I also have one suggestion: It might be a good thing to start a file of notes and outlines for a possible inspirational booklet or article for publication. This web site has a forum for articles and IMVHO yours would be helpful for many.

Your decision to forgo the "free house with strings attached" must have been a difficult one. Good for you!

I'm glad to see your casual comments about "if/when I get married again" because you deserve whatever you aspire to accomplish. It seems that your taking 3 years to overcome the bombing you've endured has made you a better person for remarriage than if you had rebounded quickly like so many erroneously do. Again, kudos to you! Even if you choose NOT to remarry, your personal recovery story will benefit you for the rest of your life, with or without a husband.

Again, thanks for being here, Raquel and for sharing your story. I'm looking forward to the next chapters.

Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: Did not recover marriage, but life post-divorce is going great! [Re: Ace] #43599
01/02/11 07:12 AM
01/02/11 07:12 AM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 30
R
Raquel73 Offline OP
Member
Raquel73  Offline OP
Member
R
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 30

Me: OW got off scot free. She sacrificed nothing.

Ace: I often wonder about this. I guess there's really no way for us to know how the OP is doing or what they're thinking but I'll wager that a few of them eventually grow a conscience and develop a bit of remorse. But it really doesn't matter in the big scheme of things....unless you're weird like me an hope they recover, too. Hopefully the cycle might stop somewhere....maybe...maybe not. <sigh>

Me: I come from an extremely dysfunctional family so I guess I have an interest in psychology (or abnormal psychology for these purposes). When I get a need to understand something, I research and investigate like crazy until I have some understanding and I form my own opinions. I did this with my affair. I have read many books and research websites - including reading on TOW boards. I want to get inside their minds and find out what makes people tick….why do they make the choices they do?

I can see clearly the slow breakdown of my marriage - our financial ignorance and destructiveness, unemployment, long hours apart, overworked, fatigued, depressed…..I could go on and on. But then, I had relatives go through much worse during the Great Depression - times when they didn't know when they would get their next meal - and they didn't cheat or leave. There are people who have gone through much worse and instead of self-destructing, they leaned on each other for strength until they made it through the rough times.

So, I read a lot and I am a huge fan of the True Crime author, Ann Rule. I have read every single one of her books. In one of her novels, she mentioned that some people who come from extremely dysfunctional and abusive backgrounds do not develop a conscience because they are too busy trying to survive. I think the OW in our case fits this scenario. My understanding is she came from extremely horrible circumstances - physical, sexual, and emotional abuse growing. One uncle raped her. She married very young to a very abusive man and had a son. She was beaten regularly and his family condoned it. One day he took her out in a field and beat her with a pipe and left her for dead. He stated if she ever came around he would kill her. She never saw him or her son ever again. She eventually married a drug user, had a daughter, divorced him. When she and my ex got together, she was married to her 4th husband, an older man who made good money and traveled a lot. She had custody of her two granddaughters because her daughter turned to be a loser drug addict, following in her Dad's footsteps, I suppose. She had had other affairs - I think her marriage was more about security, convenience, and money than love. My ex and others were fun.

There are different levels of sociopathy - not everyone is a murderer or ends up in prison. The OW in my case did not have much of a conscience. I think she may have felt some twinges of guilt, but not enough to stop what she was doing. And a lot of it has to do with being a user of people. She learned early on people were not to be trusted, they will hurt you and use you and lie and cheat. She learned, probably as a child, that you use people to get what you want. Other people's pain and suffering don't matter - hers certainly never did - so she shouldn't concern herself with that. And she was sooo special - she had a man who left his wife and kids for her, traveled to another state for her, leaving everything behind! Exciting! Of course, she didn't really want him after all that. But wasn't that an ego boost?!


Ace: I'm glad he came to see his kids and that you could allow it in spite of all he put you through. You're a bigger person than I might possibly be in the same scenario. How do the kids feel about his not visiting for so long and then finally coming after 3 years?

Me: The whole process was terrible for the kids. My oldest was about 11 when it first started - he is sixteen now. But he is the kid who is the most like me. He loves to read and is just way more mature and intelligent beyond his years. He was reading books like "The Jungle" and "It" when he was 12 years old, plus he is a math whiz. So he was able to comprehend way more than the rest of the kids. He has very little respect for his father. When he sees him, they do not have much of a relationship. They may talk about video games or movies, but nothing in depth. His Dad does not have the meaningful talks he and I have. He isn't hateful, just indifferent.

My younger son worships his Dad. He was always a very manly type - like cars, action movies, guns, making thing blow up, etc. He was 9 when we split and he was very angry at me. He became extremely hostile for a while. His Dad wasn't there, but I was and everything was taken out on me. He felt Dad had just made a mistake, but I wouldn't forgive him and take him back, and I filed and destroyed the family. He was very happy when his Dad visited. He is 13 now. He can still be pretty unpleasant.

My daughter was only 5 at the time we split. She has always been a very difficult child. I think the book "The Strong-Willed Child" was written specifically for her. Discipline has never meant anything to her. Our problems only made things worse. Unlike my middle son, who expresses himself very vocally and in-your-face, my daughter may seem happy on the outside, but her issues are expressed in other ways. She became extremely clingy and acted out like crazy at school. We had to put her in a special school for part of first grade because the teacher just could not handle her. She was always doing strange things, like writing on walls, acting like a dog or cat, using the scissors to cut her own clothes, etc. We still have issues, but they are not quite as bad. She is ten now. She loves her Dad and enjoyed his visit. She still wishes we were back together. The thought of her being a teen scares me to death.


Ace: You are the reason "government assistance" is so valuable....to help folks get back on their feet and off such assistance. Good for you! How were you able to persevere and accomplish all of this in the midst of the worst recession/depression in recent history?

Me: I am tenacious and I don't give up. I spent countless hours on the internet applying for any type of job. When you're unemployed, there is no such thing as a job you're too good for. You take what you can get. I applied for anything on Craigslist, Monster.com, etc. I posted my resume on countless websites. I attended job seminars, Job Fairs, submitted thousand of resumes and went to any interview I could. I networked like crazy - my kids were in sports, I met with parents and talked, and in the conversation I would slip in how I was looking for a job. Were their employers hiring, by chance? I did this at church as well. My pastor would introduce me to people and tell them I was looking for employment, did they know of anything? It was pretty awesome. It started small - a temp job here, a seasonal job, there, then a little longer assignment - then I finally got my break. An employment agency saw my resume posted on Monster. I went through two interviews and waited while they decided between me and another. I was chosen. I was a temp for 6 months. Then I became permanent. I have been very blessed at this job - it has been one of the best I have ever had.

Ace: In your case, you have everything including your self-respect, which, IMVHO is one of the most important things to maintain in the midst of such chaos.

Me: Actually, I think I lost my self-respect for a while during the whole process. I was going a bit crazy for a while and almost had a breakdown - I begged my ex to stay, neglected my kids, started fights and called him names, raged at him like a mad woman, stalked him, and sacrificed a lot of dignity and self-worth during this period. But it was just a period in my life. You talk a lot about the fog. I was in my own fog. That wasn't really me - not my personality at all. The affair and destruction of my marriage brought out the worst in me. But this time in my life wasn't forever. And I eventually came to see what I was doing wasn't good for anyone. My self respect has been restored, along with my dignity. This is something you CAN get back. Do the work.

Re: Did not recover marriage, but life post-divorce is going great! [Re: Raquel73] #43662
01/02/11 05:00 PM
01/02/11 05:00 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
B
believer Offline
Member
believer  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
WOW. Very inspiring story. Congratulations for not only surviving, but thriving.

You have a wonderful attitude!

Re: Did not recover marriage, but life post-divorce is going great! [Re: believer] #43683
01/02/11 05:54 PM
01/02/11 05:54 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 743
Indianapolis
hoosiermama Offline
Member
hoosiermama  Offline
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 743
Indianapolis
hi, Raquel--just wanted to add my "congratulations" to the many already here! you are indeed an inspiration. I think there are some similarities in our situations--I have struggled financially as well, but had the advantage of being an RN with loads of experience (I'm 54) and that has probably saved me. I'm 2 1/2 years out, finally getting on my feet (but struggling with a bit of self-sabotage) and it's really wonderful to see how you've blossomed and held things together...makes me feel I have something to look forward to over the next few years. Thank you for sharing your story! whenever I feel the urge to make excuses for myself, I'll come back and read your thread!

Re: Did not recover marriage, but life post-divorce is going great! [Re: Ace] #43772
01/02/11 11:10 PM
01/02/11 11:10 PM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 30
R
Raquel73 Offline OP
Member
Raquel73  Offline OP
Member
R
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 30
2006 - What a nasty year! In my life, everything seems to revolve around the number 3. I do not know why this is, it just seems to happen that way. 2006 - 2008 = 3 bad years. So 2009 - 2011 should be 3 good years (at least, it seems to be going that way so far). I expect great things out of 2011.

Re: Did not recover marriage, but life post-divorce is going great! [Re: Ace] #43774
01/02/11 11:12 PM
01/02/11 11:12 PM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 30
R
Raquel73 Offline OP
Member
Raquel73  Offline OP
Member
R
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 30
Ace,

Sure I will help with a Recovery thread! That's why I'm here!

Last edited by Raquel73; 01/02/11 11:20 PM.
Re: Did not recover marriage, but life post-divorce is going great! [Re: Not2fun] #43775
01/02/11 11:19 PM
01/02/11 11:19 PM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 30
R
Raquel73 Offline OP
Member
Raquel73  Offline OP
Member
R
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 30
Hi, Not2Fun!

I read your story from the very beginning on MB. You handled yourself very well - you were an inspiration to me! I am so glad you were able to recover your marriage.

I remember you posting soemthing regarding your daughter and her attitude towards marriage and men - fallout from the affair. This is something I definitely struggle with in regards to my 3 kids. I have no idea if anything I am doing will help them have a happy, healthy relationships when they are adults. I worry most about my daughter. She already, at age 10, gravitates towards the male figures in her life. This worries me greatly becasue I know she seeks that male approval and is at risk for early sexual behavior and all that. I am already talking to her about relationships and choices girls make that aren't that smart, trashy dress and behavior, etc. She listens now, but we all know this could all go out the window at age 13. Scary.

Anyway, keep sharing. I appreciate your wisdom!

Re: Did not recover marriage, but life post-divorce is going great! [Re: LovingAnyway] #43776
01/02/11 11:22 PM
01/02/11 11:22 PM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 30
R
Raquel73 Offline OP
Member
Raquel73  Offline OP
Member
R
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 30
LovingAnyway,

Thank you for your kind words! I will continue to post and update as much as possible. I hope I am able to answer your questions. Feel free to ask if you feel something was left out or I'm not clear on something.

Re: Did not recover marriage, but life post-divorce is going great! [Re: believer] #43778
01/02/11 11:25 PM
01/02/11 11:25 PM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 30
R
Raquel73 Offline OP
Member
Raquel73  Offline OP
Member
R
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 30
Believer,

I could say the same about you! I've read your thread - you went through some ordeal! You have also given me hope regarding life after divorce - and you met someone special! I hope to meet someone some day as well but my standards are quite high this time. I have faith though - it will happen when the time is right.


Re: Did not recover marriage, but life post-divorce is going great! [Re: hoosiermama] #43782
01/02/11 11:32 PM
01/02/11 11:32 PM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 30
R
Raquel73 Offline OP
Member
Raquel73  Offline OP
Member
R
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 30
Hi, Hoosiermama!

Yeah, that self-sabotaging is sneaky. I am to blame for a lot of my financial issues (like - all of it!!!) and I'm pretty self-sabotaging when it comes to dieting too. And housework. And - well, no need to keep going........

I'm as human as eveyone else.
Sometimes I get depressed and have a pity party.
Don't feel too bad - we all go through rough times. My grandfather lived through the Great Depression in OKC when he was 5 years old. He and his Mom, Dad & Brothers lived in a tent for several months, and he had to go to the soup kitchen every evening and get a bucket of soup and a bucket of bread. So, we have lived with relatives and taken advantage of public assistance, but we have never had to live in a tent city. For this, I am grateful.

Re: Did not recover marriage, but life post-divorce is going great! [Re: Raquel73] #43785
01/02/11 11:42 PM
01/02/11 11:42 PM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 30
R
Raquel73 Offline OP
Member
Raquel73  Offline OP
Member
R
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 30
OK - new Years' Resolutions for 2011:

Lose weight - I weigh 240 lbs. My goal is 130 - 140 lbs. Today is Day 1 of no sugar. Tomorrow I will be up super early for an early morning workout. Workout 6 days a week, at least 1 hour minimum! I must work on bad overeating habits - reduce portion sizes and eat way more vegetables, some protein and more fiber. I CAN DO THIS!

Financial Responsibility - Update my budget and stick to it! Open savings accounts for the kids and contribute with each paycheck. Sign up for the 401K at work. Pay down student loan debt. Buy a new car (mine is almost dead) with tax return money - pay for it in cash, no debt for vehicles. Have at least $1,000 in emergency fund. Anyone with any financial sense please offer any suggestions or advice - this is not one of my strong areas!

Write - Set aside time each day to write. I have always dreamed of writing a novel or screenplay. I want to accomplish this. I have had ideas and stories floating around in my head for the last 15 years! I need them on paper. I don't care if they sell or are rejected by publishers or the movie industry. I just want to say I acomplished something.

Okay, that's it for now! What do you all plan to do?

Re: Did not recover marriage, but life post-divorce is going great! [Re: Raquel73] #43818
01/03/11 12:25 AM
01/03/11 12:25 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,535
Ace Offline
Advocate
Ace  Offline
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,535
Originally Posted By: Raquel73
OK - new Years' Resolutions for 2011:

Lose weight - I weigh 240 lbs. My goal is 130 - 140 lbs. Today is Day 1 of no sugar. Tomorrow I will be up super early for an early morning workout. Workout 6 days a week, at least 1 hour minimum! I must work on bad overeating habits - reduce portion sizes and eat way more vegetables, some protein and more fiber. I CAN DO THIS!

What do you all plan to do?


Wow girl...you have been busy with posting and making plans.

I think I'll post my eating goals on the Mad Sad Grab Food thread (it's my thread and I can't even remember what I named it)! LOL I think that's better than using my blog or recovery thread. It's on the MAgnify Marriage forum and getting ahold of this weak area will definitely enhance our marraige as well as all other aspects of our lives.

Anyone wanna join me?

Ace

ETA: Thanks for asking what I/we plan to do, Raquel but I'm going to answer your question on the linked thread so I don't clutter up yours.

Last edited by Ace; 01/03/11 12:34 AM. Reason: edit quote and add link regarding eating/weight habits

We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: Did not recover marriage, but life post-divorce is going great! [Re: Raquel73] #51648
01/15/11 06:12 PM
01/15/11 06:12 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,535
Ace Offline
Advocate
Ace  Offline
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,535
Originally Posted By: Raquel73

Financial Responsibility - Update my budget and stick to it! Open savings accounts for the kids and contribute with each paycheck. Sign up for the 401K at work. Pay down student loan debt. Buy a new car (mine is almost dead) with tax return money - pay for it in cash, no debt for vehicles. Have at least $1,000 in emergency fund. Anyone with any financial sense please offer any suggestions or advice - this is not one of my strong areas!



Sorry I missed that you had listed this goal. I think I'll start a thread on "Financing your Future" on the (((((Magnify))))) Your Marriages forum. In the meantime, google "Dave Ramsey" and his program Financial Peace University. You can see if they have a class starting near where you live (or maybe your church is sponsoring one.)

Best wishes, Raquel. My husband and I need to get more disciplined in this area, too.

Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: Did not recover marriage, but life post-divorce is going great! [Re: Ace] #51672
01/15/11 07:28 PM
01/15/11 07:28 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 17,282
The Castle Aaaggghh...
herfuturesbright Offline
Member
herfuturesbright  Offline
Member
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 17,282
The Castle Aaaggghh...
Wow! I love reading these kinds of stories, where strength and perseverance and hope wins.

I think I am going to bump the writing thread I started back in Nov. We have so many writers on here, maybe we can help each other with ideas, critiquing, magic formulas for finding a publisher (although I have decided to forget that things get published because I wrote much better when I didn't care if anyone but me liked it!).

Re: Did not recover marriage, but life post-divorce is going great! [Re: herfuturesbright] #261620
10/20/12 04:16 AM
10/20/12 04:16 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,535
Ace Offline
Advocate
Ace  Offline
Advocate
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,535
Hi Raquel! waves

I just posted greetings on the wrong thread! Oh well, it was my thread. blush

How are you?

Ace


We're overcoming decades of marital dysfunction including abuse, passive aggression, gas-lighting & infidelity (both of us).

Our Weird and Ongoing Story
Re: Did not recover marriage, but life post-divorce is going great! [Re: Ace] #261624
10/20/12 05:48 AM
10/20/12 05:48 AM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 30
R
Raquel73 Offline OP
Member
Raquel73  Offline OP
Member
R
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 30
Hi, Ace!

Well, I have had some issues with kids regarding school and other things. Of course, this happens during the busy season at work, so I am working some crazy hours and trying to keep up with kids homework issues and general teen-age attitudes. It has been quite stressful. And I am really disliking the whole political process and can't wait until the elections are over. I am feeling in general a lot of disgust with both the Democrat and Republican party, and all the hate and bashing and ranting going on all over the radio, news, etc.

But, life is okay - have't met anyone (and have no real time to date anyway). I have some good friends in my life and my church is awesome. I had some behavioral issues with my middle son (he's 14 - terrible age) and my Pastor and other men at church have really stepped in to mentor and provide support for him. Work is going really well, just got a raise but food and fuel prices have really gotten quite high. Not sure if I will continue to be able to afford California if this keeps up.

Hope you are doing well!

Page 1 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Miranda 

Newest Members
Love_Smacked, starfire, JoyfulMimi, bruers, shattered72
2048 Registered Users
Latest Topics(Posts)
Hearts Blessing4
Woman urges NC lawmakers to end child marriage: For her it was a ‘life sentence’3
63 Marriage Facts1
COVID-19 and the Increased Likelihood of Affairs3
Updates Divorce Stats4
no more rainbow members?9
BR - The Art of War - Sun Tzu5
Questions & Answers About Marriage---responses from 7-10 year old kids4
seeing new members on mobile version5
Return of the Goddess31
Community Information
2048Members
1Penalty Box
6Suspended

42

Forums
8500Topics
463376Posts
 
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.6.1.1
(Release build 20180111)
Page Time: 0.036s Queries: 14 (0.005s) Memory: 3.4439 MB (Peak: 3.9160 MB) Zlib enabled in php.ini Server Time: 2021-10-20 01:48:29 UTC