Who's Online Now
0 registered members (), 12 guests, and 36 spiders.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
 Trending Topics(Posts)
1.The Next Stage - Plan B, Protection Phase6
2.The Joke Thread2
3.Woman urges NC lawmakers to end child marriage: For her it was a ‘life sentence’1
4.Updates Divorce Stats1
5.The Demand Man1
6.What's Wrong With "I Messages"1
7.I had a black dog. His name was depression1
8.Changes to MA's Main Menu Bar0
9.Disappearing Posts and Threads0
10.New process for display name change requests0
*By replies in last 2 weeks.
In The Media(Posts)
Woman urges NC lawmakers to end child marriage: For her it was a ‘life sentence’1
COVID-19 and the Increased Likelihood of Affairs3
Does anyone remember this story?3
Validation to find-win-win slutions2
Things men want3
These Are The Signs You're Dating A Narcissist3
Girlfriend's 'controlling' list of 22 rules for boyfriend goes viral: 'She sounds crazy'9
What Divorced Men Wish They Had Done Differently In Their Marriages7
Alienation of Affection / Criminal Conversation9
Would you pay your ex a 'break-up fee'? - BBC3
more >>
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 45 1 2 3 4 5 44 45
Re: No, you are not. [Re: holdingontoit] #415526
10/31/16 08:54 PM
10/31/16 08:54 PM
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 10,119
S
SmilingWife Offline
Global Moderator
SmilingWife  Offline
Global Moderator
S
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 10,119
Originally Posted By: holdingontoit
SFB: Every day we discuss her plans for the trip. What they are doing. What they are packing. Hard to avoid references to the trip.

Each time she reassures me that she wishes I could accompany her, and that she will not be doing anything with other men. I tell her I know she won't. Because she loves me. And because men are yucky. And because I won't leave her over it, and the guilt would eat away at her. Which would force her to divorce me to free herself. At which point the kids would find out. Causing our daughter to disown her.

Sometimes I give her the condensed version: "every time you look at another man, think of how you will feel when you have to tell the kids that you are leaving me because you cheated and you can't stand the guilt."

I know, it would earn me more Love Bank points if I said "I know you would never cheat because you love me and you care about my feelings and you would never hurt me that much." Sorry, but I don't think I could say that with a straight face.


You just crack me up.

Re: No, you are not. [Re: SmilingWife] #415528
10/31/16 09:17 PM
10/31/16 09:17 PM
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 1,398
T
TC_Manhattan Offline
Member
TC_Manhattan  Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 1,398
In perhaps an odd sort of way, Hold, you are my hero.

You, Sir, are a pragmatic realist with a heart.. wink

Re: No, you are not. [Re: TC_Manhattan] #415529
10/31/16 09:45 PM
10/31/16 09:45 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 7,052
holdingontoit Offline OP
Global Moderator
holdingontoit  Offline OP
Global Moderator
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 7,052
Hey, she is so excited she is going she brims with joy. How could I deny her that joy?

She is so excited she is going away, while she is home she is willing to go places with me she would never go before. Several nerdy activities that she was "too cool" to go to before, she went with me this past weekend. Because she is trying to show that she loves me and appreciates me. More kissing and holding hands than at any time in our marriage.

This is what I hoped and dreamed of back when we were always at odds. I know this. I just wish I could enjoy it more. I enjoy it, but with a taint. A part of me holds back. I know, only punishing myself for past harms. Stupid, looking gift horse in the mouth.

I know I am foolish, but not in all ways. I ask for nerdy activities, not sex. If I asked for sex, she might hold back on consenting and her hesitation would ruin it for both of us. If I ask her to do nerdy things like see RHPS, she is glad to be able to say yes even if she doesn't expect to enjoy it. It seems she feels she "owes" me, and as long as I ask for her to pay me back in ways besides sex, she feels good about herself when she says yes. Win - win. Last night we were sitting in an old time movie theater full of nerds and she looked at me and smiled and said "you are with your peeps". She realizes she is not "my peeps". But unlike the first 24 years of our marriage, she is now willing to sit next to me and hold my hand when I congregate with my peeps. The nerds dream: not having to go to the Con alone.

So in many ways this is my dream come true.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: No, you are not. [Re: holdingontoit] #415533
11/01/16 12:27 AM
11/01/16 12:27 AM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 7,052
holdingontoit Offline OP
Global Moderator
holdingontoit  Offline OP
Global Moderator
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 7,052
Today I got several credit card bills in the mail. Huge balances. Including a big charge that Mrs. H had told me "I splurged". Silly me, when she told me that I foolishly thought she meant out of her earnings. No, she meant she splurged and she charged it to my credit card! As in one night when I went to sleep early because I got up at 5 am to catch the 5:59 train, she grabbed the card out of my wallet and charged it.

I called Mrs. H to say we once again need to work hard on our budgeting. She said OK and hung up.

She called back to say that she did not mean to hang up on me, and we will face this together. Excellent news.

So I told her that I got a huge bonus last year, and we have not paid down our balances much, and we can't expect such large bonuses going forward, so we need to figure out where we can cut back on our lifestyle. I said "for instance, I know you have a big heart and love the kids, but we cannot offer to pay for S21's post-graduation travel or 'buy' a summer internship for D19. So if they ask, please do not offer to pay for it or to ask me if it is ok. Because it isn't." She told me to stop talking to her in that tone (what tone, I was totally calm and matter of fact) and that she could see where this conversation was going and she did not like it.

Decades later, we still cannot talk about money without it immediately being WWIII. Needless to say, she feels "beat up" and I feel alone and without a partner on this issue. In fact, not only do I not see her as being on my team, I don't even see her in the stands rooting for my team. I see her as playing for the opposing team.

I hate hate hate this. I hate that I am back here posting about myself. I hate that we are still fighting about money. I hate to think that I have to go back and lock up my wallet at night. Argh! I just want to scream!


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: No, you are not. [Re: holdingontoit] #415535
11/01/16 12:57 AM
11/01/16 12:57 AM
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 1,398
T
TC_Manhattan Offline
Member
TC_Manhattan  Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 1,398
Yes, it's back to WWIII, but this time you are far more ready for the conflict.
Your awareness and all you've learned find you in good stead.
Just keep on remembering your boundaries, for this is precisely the reason you are so pragmatic and realistic.

Remember, your lizard stands you in good stead.
Remember your boundaries. Sadly, precisely because of your long history together, you can never allow yourself back into the fog of romantic delusion.

Not with your wife. Not with anyone else you may eventually find yourself with.

The whole point, as you well know, is to save yourself.
As long as you do that, you can continue to glean what small happinesses you may find along the way.

Zebras never change their stripes till they die and the hide rots away.

Hold, you are so insightful.

You are the best!!

Re: No, you are not. [Re: holdingontoit] #415536
11/01/16 12:58 AM
11/01/16 12:58 AM
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 10,119
S
SmilingWife Offline
Global Moderator
SmilingWife  Offline
Global Moderator
S
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 10,119
Originally Posted By: holdingontoit
Today I got several credit card bills in the mail. Huge balances. Including a big charge that Mrs. H had told me "I splurged". Silly me, when she told me that I foolishly thought she meant out of her earnings. No, she meant she splurged and she charged it to my credit card! As in one night when I went to sleep early because I got up at 5 am to catch the 5:59 train, she grabbed the card out of my wallet and charged it.

I called Mrs. H to say we once again need to work hard on our budgeting. She said OK and hung up.

She called back to say that she did not mean to hang up on me, and we will face this together. Excellent news.

So I told her that I got a huge bonus last year, and we have not paid down our balances much, and we can't expect such large bonuses going forward, so we need to figure out where we can cut back on our lifestyle. I said "for instance, I know you have a big heart and love the kids, but we cannot offer to pay for S21's post-graduation travel or 'buy' a summer internship for D19. So if they ask, please do not offer to pay for it or to ask me if it is ok. Because it isn't." She told me to stop talking to her in that tone (what tone, I was totally calm and matter of fact) and that she could see where this conversation was going and she did not like it.

Decades later, we still cannot talk about money without it immediately being WWIII. Needless to say, she feels "beat up" and I feel alone and without a partner on this issue. In fact, not only do I not see her as being on my team, I don't even see her in the stands rooting for my team. I see her as playing for the opposing team.

I hate hate hate this. I hate that I am back here posting about myself. I hate that we are still fighting about money. I hate to think that I have to go back and lock up my wallet at night. Argh! I just want to scream!


Hold that is just unbelievable. I can't believe she actually steals your credit card to buy things she can't afford. Really I am gobsmacked.

I don't know what I would do.

Re: No, you are not. [Re: SmilingWife] #415539
11/01/16 01:25 AM
11/01/16 01:25 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,676
B
Blair Offline
Member
Blair  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,676
Wow. If money is not there, it should not be spent. And especially not without permission! Put your wallet in a lockbox that only you know the combo to. Do it every day, like your wallet is the addictive substance to your W.

Re: No, you are not. [Re: SmilingWife] #415540
11/01/16 01:31 AM
11/01/16 01:31 AM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 7,052
holdingontoit Offline OP
Global Moderator
holdingontoit  Offline OP
Global Moderator
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 7,052
No, I am the biggest idiot.

We had a "deal". She wanted very badly to go away as a foursome "one more time" during Christmas break before S21 graduates college and (God willing) gets a full time job and may cease to have either the free time or the inclination to travel with his parents and sister. I said I could not afford to take the 4 of us away given all our bills. She proposed that I use miles to get plane tickets, and she would pay for the hotel, food and activities. I said OK. I booked plane tickets with miles and she put a deposit down on an all-inclusive resort.

We picked a tropical place that would be warm in January. But then came Zika and we worried about taking two 20-somethings who had not yet had kids into mosquito-land, so we switched to a US destination. Luckily, the airline gave us our miles back, and Mrs. Hold said her deposit was refundable. So, silly me, I thought the same "deal" held for the US trip. I booked the tickets with miles, and Mrs. H regaled me with stories of the hotel she booked and the tickets she got for activities. Today I got my credit card statement, and lo and behold, the hotel and the tickets were charged to my card!

So apparently I was the only one who thought our "deal" for tropical travel extended to our domestic travel. Silly me. I should have known to ask her "those things sound expensive, how can you afford them?" I should have gone to bed with my wallet in my underwear - no way she goes near it there!

Instead I feel like the world's biggest chump. And we were getting along so well. I should have realized we only get along well when she is busy spending.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: No, you are not. [Re: holdingontoit] #415549
11/01/16 01:08 PM
11/01/16 01:08 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 7,052
holdingontoit Offline OP
Global Moderator
holdingontoit  Offline OP
Global Moderator
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 7,052
24 hours from the best weekend of our marriage back into Cold War.

I told her I hate it when we don't get along, but we need to discuss finances. I told her we need to cut back, and most especially when the kids call and ask if they can "do x that costs y" she needs to say "sorry, but we have had some big bills lately, and we are in austerity mode, so I wish we could make that happen for you, it sounds wonderful, but we will have to pass on that unless you can pay for it yourself". She told me to stop talking, she gets it, and not to drone on in an authoritarian manner". So I stopped talking.

Then she asked me what she had spent money on lately that I would have cancelled. As in individual items. I said it wasn't any one item, it was the mechanism where she talks to the kids, they get excited about something, and then she comes to me and asks if it is OK. I hate always having to be the bad guy who says no.

She asked me what my role was in this. I said "to earn enough to keep the ship afloat. I got a huge bonus last year. The company is not doing well and I will surely get a smaller one this year. But even with last year's huge bonus, we have not paid down one dollar of our debt. That scares me."

I hate this. It is like PTSD for me. What scares me the most is how I feel about a few items. One, I am happy that Mrs. H and me will not be alone together pretty much any day for the next 2 months. Two, I am happy that we don't have any sex because I would be even more upset if we were. Being happy that you won't see your wife and that you aren't having sex with her is a messed up way to live.

Especially 2 days after the most affectionate weekend we ever had. Talk about going from the mountaintop down to the valley. I am so excitable and reactive. She hates that. She needs me to be calm and stoic. Man we are so perfectly calibrated to drive each other nuts. God must be having quite a chuckle looking down at us.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: No, you are not. [Re: holdingontoit] #415551
11/01/16 02:13 PM
11/01/16 02:13 PM
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 1,398
T
TC_Manhattan Offline
Member
TC_Manhattan  Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 1,398
Originally Posted By: holdingontoit
Then she asked me what she had spent money on lately that I would have cancelled. As in individual items. I said it wasn't any one item, it was the mechanism where she talks to the kids, they get excited about something, and then she comes to me and asks if it is OK. I hate always having to be the bad guy who says no.


Okay, here is how I see this dynamic. Mrs. Hold is what Al Turtle calls a passive master. That means she wants the power and control without the responsibility and that's where you fit in. So she uses manipulation to accomplish this. You know this as you've written about this extensively in the past.

I don't believe you can change her, so you have to change yourself, i.e. your approach. You hate being the bad guy in part because she sets you up with the kids to have expectations (that's where they ask her and she doesn't say "no," so they're conned into building their expectations further.) She doesn't tell them "it's not up to me, it's up to your Dad," precisely because this way she maintains control of the dynamic and sets you up to be the baddy, and sets them up to be disappointed. How's that for "two for the price of one?"

I see two things you can do right off. First is to lock up your finances so there is no way she can gain access to money that you have to be responsible to pay back.
This can be harsh, but it is what it is because of her choices. And I would be upfront about telling her what and why you are doing so. Yes, that makes you the bad guy, but it seems like deep inside she has you pegged as such all along anyways, as her way to avoid taking responsibility for her OR you OR the kids.

Secondly, you could/should go straight to your kids and explain matter-of-factly, exactly what happens and how and why. Tell them up front what your financial pickle is and how you need to address that, including that you need them to address any wishes or needs TO YOU, not Mrs. Hold. I'd tell them exactly what you said here, that you hate to have them led to expect something based on what their mother alludes to. Then you end up the bad guy and feel doubly worse because you would truly like to give them what they want, but are being continually set up by their mom.

Hold, I know you want your kids to feel like their parents are wholesome and perfect, at least as far as they are concerned. But, but, but, I don't think they are too young anymore to have an insight into your marital and financial dynamics with your wife. Sets your kids up to have unrealistic expectations of any future relationships they will have with a spouse. Don't fool yourself. I bet your kids have known for a while that your marital dynamics aren't great, so...

level with them. You can do this without making Mrs. sound like a b..ch. Allow them to know the real you and what you struggle with each day of your (married) life. Be vulnerable, and let your kids join you in learning about the realities of life on Mars.

They might learn something. They might avoid headaches in their futures.
They might just give you some fresh ideas of how to cope.
It might just bring the three of you a lot closer.

There is nothing you can do to change your wife.
You can, however, teach (and learn) a lot with your kids.

Don't give up. Rather, think of shifting the paradigm.

Peace. zen

Re: No, you are not. [Re: holdingontoit] #415552
11/01/16 02:14 PM
11/01/16 02:14 PM
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,424
midwest
Miranda Offline
Global Moderator
Miranda  Offline
Global Moderator
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,424
midwest
Hold

I'm SO sorry she went and did that. I cannot believe she did. It well and truly sucks.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, I'm gonna say something. Dude, you need detachment! Seriously... I've never seen anyone need it more! Except maybe me, back in da day.

You are absolutely correct, you are WAY too excitable and reactive towards her... It's not healthy for you or your marriage.

I have a strong tendency to be the same way. But ya know what? I've started to "quit it" and it's truly magical.

I'm not rock solid at it yet. When I'm overtired, or in a lot of pain, or when Daryl works really hard at getting to me, or when he's physically hurting me, I lose my detachment. But overall I'm 2/3 to 3/4 of the way there. It's really great.

I highly recommend "let go now: embracing detachment" by Karen Casey. Detachment doesn't mean disconnection. In fact it makes it EASIER to connect in a real, genuine loving way. You get to connect without the grinding friction of control and trying to mess with one another's paths. There's incredible freedom to just BE with one another, when you can do it with detachment.

Of course it works best if you can modulate your own anxiety and discomfort. And that means doing your own work, getting good with yourself, owning your shinola, meditation, etc.

But take it a step at a time, do what feels ok to you. It's a process.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: No, you are not. [Re: TC_Manhattan] #415553
11/01/16 02:16 PM
11/01/16 02:16 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 7,052
holdingontoit Offline OP
Global Moderator
holdingontoit  Offline OP
Global Moderator
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 7,052
Thanks. Yes, I was planning to have a chat with them when they are home for Thanksgiving. Good idea. Appreciate the help in phrasing this message.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: No, you are not. [Re: holdingontoit] #415556
11/01/16 03:24 PM
11/01/16 03:24 PM
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 10,119
S
SmilingWife Offline
Global Moderator
SmilingWife  Offline
Global Moderator
S
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 10,119
Originally Posted By: holdingontoit
Thanks. Yes, I was planning to have a chat with them when they are home for Thanksgiving. Good idea. Appreciate the help in phrasing this message.


And I second that you need to be up front with your kids. That way you can stop being the bad guy with them

I am just sick that Mrs. H seems so money hungry. I just don't understand her. She just survived cancer and she seems to have no appreciation for the good things in life. Like trust from your husband.

Grr.

Re: No, you are not. [Re: SmilingWife] #415558
11/01/16 03:34 PM
11/01/16 03:34 PM
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 3,974
South
O
Oblivious2678 Offline
Member
Oblivious2678  Offline
Member
O
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 3,974
South
I am right along with all of you, but another thought popped into my head...

After things went so right this past weekend with such a tremendous connection, is there also the possibility that it freaked Mrs. H out slightly because of it being out of her comfort zone of what she is used to or what she feels she deserves?

Not sure if I make any sense or I'm talking out my earhole.

Re: No, you are not. [Re: Oblivious2678] #415560
11/01/16 03:43 PM
11/01/16 03:43 PM
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 10,119
S
SmilingWife Offline
Global Moderator
SmilingWife  Offline
Global Moderator
S
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 10,119
Originally Posted By: Oblivious2678
I am right along with all of you, but another thought popped into my head...

After things went so right this past weekend with such a tremendous connection, is there also the possibility that it freaked Mrs. H out slightly because of it being out of her comfort zone of what she is used to or what she feels she deserves?

Not sure if I make any sense or I'm talking out my earhole.


I think not. I think things went well because she had just gotten her fix of spending money wildly....

Re: No, you are not. [Re: SmilingWife] #415561
11/01/16 04:35 PM
11/01/16 04:35 PM
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 1,398
T
TC_Manhattan Offline
Member
TC_Manhattan  Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 1,398
I agree with SW.

It's possible that Mrs. H is relaxing back into her baseline personality now that her health scare is somewhat less imminent. She's had some time to heal and distance herself from her health issues of the past year or so.

Plus, with all the warm fuzzies they've shared recently, perhaps she sensed that Hold's guard was down. If so, well, she was right.

Re: No, you are not. [Re: TC_Manhattan] #415565
11/01/16 06:01 PM
11/01/16 06:01 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,690
SoCal
Chrysalis Offline
Global Moderator
Chrysalis  Offline
Global Moderator
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,690
SoCal
I think you could have a full disclosure of family finances with them without casting blame on anyone, or breaking the united front. I do believe that a united front is better for all, if it can be achieved.

2 conversations.

1. Mrs. H, the kids are adults now. It is my intention to open up with them about family finances. They are going to know my income and my prospects, the details of debt, a picture of the budget, in writing, and we are going to be honest with them about the lack of feasibility of expensive travel.

2. Kids, you are adults now. You should know our family finances. We believe that openness with you about this will help you be responsible adults in your own lives. Here it is.

3. This would ideally be followed with disclosure of your end of life preferences and essential information, and a copies of your will and trust papers.

We have done some of this. We put DD29 on the emergency savings account so she would have access to cash in case we became lengthy coroner's cases. (sad experience to blame for that one.) We have discussed our end of life plans and the entire family was in agreement on naming DD29 as executrix and successor trustee. They didn't necessarily like having the discussion but it made them feel a bit more secure. The same with purchase of the funeral plot. The decisions are made, the bill will be paid off within 6 months, nothing to worry about for them. what we haven't done is the full financial disclosure but I am working on that.


Chrysalis
Re: No, you are not. [Re: Chrysalis] #415566
11/01/16 06:09 PM
11/01/16 06:09 PM
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 10,119
S
SmilingWife Offline
Global Moderator
SmilingWife  Offline
Global Moderator
S
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 10,119
Originally Posted By: Chrysalis
I think you could have a full disclosure of family finances with them without casting blame on anyone, or breaking the united front. I do believe that a united front is better for all, if it can be achieved.

2 conversations.

1. Mrs. H, the kids are adults now. It is my intention to open up with them about family finances. They are going to know my income and my prospects, the details of debt, a picture of the budget, in writing, and we are going to be honest with them about the lack of feasibility of expensive travel.

2. Kids, you are adults now. You should know our family finances. We believe that openness with you about this will help you be responsible adults in your own lives. Here it is.

3. This would ideally be followed with disclosure of your end of life preferences and essential information, and a copies of your will and trust papers.

We have done some of this. We put DD29 on the emergency savings account so she would have access to cash in case we became lengthy coroner's cases. (sad experience to blame for that one.) We have discussed our end of life plans and the entire family was in agreement on naming DD29 as executrix and successor trustee. They didn't necessarily like having the discussion but it made them feel a bit more secure. The same with purchase of the funeral plot. The decisions are made, the bill will be paid off within 6 months, nothing to worry about for them. what we haven't done is the full financial disclosure but I am working on that.


Yes I agree this approach is excellent. I do believe in honesty about this stuff. A lot of people don't like their kids knowing what they make....maybe because kids talk? I don't know. I know I don't tell ds16 exactly what we make either. More and more I find I need to as he and I have discussions about what it takes to make a living.

Mrs. H. Makes me mad, but I agree don't throw her under the bus with the kids. They probably already know anyway.

Re: No, you are not. [Re: SmilingWife] #415567
11/01/16 06:26 PM
11/01/16 06:26 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,690
SoCal
Chrysalis Offline
Global Moderator
Chrysalis  Offline
Global Moderator
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 5,690
SoCal
I just think it's better to frame it as "now we are trusting you with adult information. We can work on problem solving that impacts you together, all as adults."


Chrysalis
Re: No, you are not. [Re: Chrysalis] #415569
11/01/16 06:51 PM
11/01/16 06:51 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,887
HI
O
Orchid2 Offline
Ambassador
Orchid2  Offline
Ambassador
O
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,887
HI
I live with one of those kind and then some.

Hold, we had to actually cut up and cancel ('cuz one can still use the active # and buy stuff online) all the credit cards (remember he signed my name of 3 or up to 6 of them). I cancelled those forged ones during his A but later we got rid of all the credit cards and haven't had one since 2004.

Y? Because my H thinks mi case tu case. Substitute the case with mola and wahla.....debit for life.

Got out of that but me paying those cards took forever and then some. He really did a number on our credit score and then wonders why buying anything of value like a house is so difficult.

I think part of the problem is their need for greed. A selfish desire that isn't dealt with can show up in other parts of one's life.

I hate that my H's attitude on this matter hasn't fully been resolved. It still plagues us with his inability to make good business choices.

Imo the longer effects of what we may initially see during an A is deep. Getting to root is easier for some than others but for many there appears to be a much deeper source or issue that makes it a huge challenge for them to basically fix themselves for the betterment of themselves and those who care for them. Even for those who don't know them but whose lives they may affect.

Hold, I hope your W can work with you regarding this financial activity. It isn't easy to do without when we think we must have things. In reality we don't need to have things. We need to have each other more. The quality of life we give each other by caring vs buying is more important.

jmo,
Orchid

Re: No, you are not. [Re: TC_Manhattan] #415570
11/01/16 06:54 PM
11/01/16 06:54 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 5,099
SFB Offline
Member
SFB  Offline
Member
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 5,099
Hold:

1. Tell your kids what you can afford, and to call you first. If you are going to be the bad guy, might as well be out front with it.

2. Do a Cash advance on Mrs. Hold's card and apply it to your card. If you don't mind the spending when it is on her earnings, than keep those things on her dime.

SFB


Finding an ethical way to deal with pain, fear, disappointment etc..is part of the experience of becoming a stronger person...one who is driven by compassion instead of compulsion...ie I have a legitimate reason to be stressed out right now...however, my response to it will determine how others percieve me, and myself. (quoting Star*Fish)
Re: No, you are not. [Re: SFB] #415578
11/01/16 07:17 PM
11/01/16 07:17 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 7,052
holdingontoit Offline OP
Global Moderator
holdingontoit  Offline OP
Global Moderator
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 7,052
Thanks guys. I agree it is time to be more open with the kids.

Last time I went on a long work trip, I sent them a list of accounts, insurance policies, etc. "in case anything happened". Freaked them out but I felt good that they would not be clueless if God forbid anything did happen.

No need to go into past history. Just where we are and what we need to do to get to a better place. Which will involve some austerity. Silver lining: gives them more incentive to get a good education, hunt down a good job and earn their own money so they can afford the things that I can't!


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: No, you are not. [Re: holdingontoit] #415655
11/03/16 02:25 PM
11/03/16 02:25 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 7,052
holdingontoit Offline OP
Global Moderator
holdingontoit  Offline OP
Global Moderator
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 7,052
The great apartness had begun. We will see each other only 1 week in the next 7, and that is Thanksgiving when we will be visiting our parents with the kids. Then she goes on her cruise. Then the kids are home for winter break. Then the "last" family vacation. Then kids go back to college. So no "just the 2 of us" time until middle of January. Two and a half months mostly apart or with kids and parents as buffer. Probably good so I don't explode at her. But more bills will pile up.

I keep thinking of the lines by Dr. Scott during the RHPS floor show. "I have got to be strong, and try to hang on." Except that 3 lines later his fishnets come out and he loses his will. Maybe not the best model to emulate.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: No, you are not. [Re: holdingontoit] #415657
11/03/16 03:12 PM
11/03/16 03:12 PM
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,424
midwest
Miranda Offline
Global Moderator
Miranda  Offline
Global Moderator
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,424
midwest
lol, that made me really laugh Hold

If you've eaten Eddie, trying to be strong is just about pointless I think.

It sounds like you two are really running hard about now. Not ideal in any way, but definitely gives you space away from her when you are not her biggest fan.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: No, you are not. [Re: holdingontoit] #415661
11/03/16 04:20 PM
11/03/16 04:20 PM
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 1,398
T
TC_Manhattan Offline
Member
TC_Manhattan  Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 1,398
Wow, I'd love to see a picture of how you look in fishnets.. eek shocked

Page 3 of 45 1 2 3 4 5 44 45

Moderated by  Chrysalis, Fiddler, Miranda 

Newest Members
Love_Smacked, starfire, JoyfulMimi, bruers, shattered72
2048 Registered Users
Latest Topics(Posts)
Woman urges NC lawmakers to end child marriage: For her it was a ‘life sentence’1
63 Marriage Facts1
COVID-19 and the Increased Likelihood of Affairs3
Updates Divorce Stats4
no more rainbow members?9
BR - The Art of War - Sun Tzu5
Questions & Answers About Marriage---responses from 7-10 year old kids4
seeing new members on mobile version5
Return of the Goddess31
Chrisner - the war of the waywards3
Community Information
2048Members
1Penalty Box
6Suspended

42

Forums
8499Topics
463346Posts
 
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.6.1.1
(Release build 20180111)
Page Time: 0.033s Queries: 14 (0.012s) Memory: 3.3874 MB (Peak: 3.7610 MB) Zlib enabled in php.ini Server Time: 2021-08-04 15:02:33 UTC