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Re: My Gratitude Journal
[Re: NewEveryDay]
#419565
02/16/17 03:22 AM
02/16/17 03:22 AM
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Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,659
LadyGrey
OP
Professional Attorney
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OP
Professional Attorney
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,659
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You are so kind.
My dad is 90 and had two optional heart procedures 6 days apart.
When he went into the hospital he was ambulatory and able to drive. I can't picture either of those things happening again.
I am struggling mightily with the fact that I cleaned up his crap, yet he couldn't be bothered to get out of the car when my mother did her drive by visit with the mastectomy.
Every day I say to myself "LadyGrey, do the next right thing" and I call my parents.
I decided yesterday that I would write them a letter every day and let myself up.
I'm grateful that I have the emotional energy to do that now.
Here's my day one letter:
Dear Mother and Daddy,
I have decided to try a different means of communicating with you all, one that doesn’t require me to do something I hate (talking on the phone) and doesn’t require you to go phone hunting at the whim of a ring.
Last night, I went to my first Women’s March meeting in my county. More on that later.
Because of the way that the cars were aligned in the driveway, I couldn’t get mine out of the garage so I was going to take Tommy’s.
People are understandably reluctant to lend their cars to me, so Tommy took me to my meeting.
On the way out of our circle, we saw a MOOSE running in the opposite lane towards the highway. We took a quick u-turn and scared the moose back into the neighborhood.
I think any day that you save the life of a moose is a good day.
Bidden or not bidden God is present.
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Re: My Gratitude Journal
[Re: Miranda]
#419873
03/02/17 11:55 PM
03/02/17 11:55 PM
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Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,659
LadyGrey
OP
Professional Attorney
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OP
Professional Attorney
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,659
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I need some help.
My dad's health has continued to deteriorate -- the time between falls gets ever shorter which is a very bad omen.
As an aside here, when Ruth Bader Ginsberg was asked what exercises she did, she replied "the ones that let you get on and off the toilet because that's the difference between dependence and independence" so next time you are groaning through your squats and lunges remember that and smile 'cuz that ain't ever going to happen to you.
He's currently in cardiac rehab and will be for another week.
His doctors have said he can either go home to 24/7 care ($3500/week) or move into assisted living.
Mother doesn't want to do either of those things, is shocked and surprised at this outcome even though we have been telling them for years, and is ANGRY.
I'm going down there next Wednesday, originally for my dad's 90th but now to give my sister some much needed help.
I am committed to staying until things are stable or I shoot myself. My guess is it will be a month.
I guess I have to stay with my mother. I could stay with my sister for a while, but that feels awkward.
I'm not doing this for my parents. I'm doing it for my sister.
Any ideas on how to get stubborn parents out of a house full of stairs?
Any ideas on how I'm going to keep my sanity?
I learned something interesting from my brother when my dad had the fall where I got to clean up his crap. When there is an emergency, walk don't run. You will appear to be calm and in control which will cause the victim's blood pressure to go down.
So the next time my dad fell, I walked into his room, explained that I understood the situation, and went to get more help, all the while thinking I can't believe I have to keep seeing my dad's wee wee.
Bidden or not bidden God is present.
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Re: My Gratitude Journal
[Re: believer]
#419877
03/03/17 01:31 AM
03/03/17 01:31 AM
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Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 6,421
whatsupdoc?
Member
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Member
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 6,421
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Assisted living. Depending on the facility can be extremely comfortable. After a short period of adjustment, residents never want to leave.
We used to own a group home. They all hated bringing granny there.. (cost, visits etc.) later, they begged us to keep them, even when they needed to go to the next step - nursing care. If you start visiting places, maybe with mom, she may consider..
Me: 50 XH: 13 - well, does emotional age count? DD1: 24 DD2: 20 30 year partnership...
M: Dec, 1987 Bomb: May 12, 2014 D: Oct, 2015 Ratz. I am learning how to surf!
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Re: My Gratitude Journal
[Re: Chrysalis]
#419882
03/03/17 05:36 AM
03/03/17 05:36 AM
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Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,887 HI
Orchid2
Ambassador
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Ambassador
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,887
HI
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Another option is the hire a home nursing system. They come in shifts. It is expensive. Do your parents have a long term care policy insurance policy? I know my uncle worked for the post office and didn't know he had a policy which allowed them to use it for my aunti when she could no longer live in their home (with stairs - she had the type of parkinson's where she couldn't walk. If they are on a limited income, does your state or county have any programs for the elderly? Take a look at: A Place for Mom ......or other facilities that can help. I called a facility where MIL lived when she had her heart attack. I shared that contact info with 2 of her sons, in case it is needed later on. This is hard and the family does better when all can pull together on this. It also helps when the parents are cooperative. When it isn't ideal, the focus still needs to be the same. jmo, Orchid
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Tonight's note to my siblings
[Re: Blair]
#419955
03/06/17 03:01 AM
03/06/17 03:01 AM
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Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,659
LadyGrey
OP
Professional Attorney
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OP
Professional Attorney
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,659
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After my first chemo, I laid in pools of my own vomit and shinola and urine for 10 hours. I couldn’t get up. My husband was hunting, I had no way to call anyone and I had no idea who I could have called. I finally crawled my way to the bathtub and got in the hottest water I could bear. No worries about the mastectomy incision and infection.
I listened to Tommy banging on the bedroom door yelling, “please let me help you Mom” thinking, “there is absolutely NO WAY in ANY circle of hell I will EVER allow a child of mine to see me this way.” He finally gave up.
I’d rather die. That’s not hyperbolic — I’d rather die than have one of my children see me like that.
FWIW, I do place an extremely low value on my life. I’m just sure if I died tonight, everyone would move on just fine.
So, for me, in thinking back on my last visit to Dallas, *I* think the worst thing that could happen to Daddy happened. The WORST. His daughter and his son wiped his ass, his grandson got into the shower fully clothed to spray all of the crap off of him, and I almost threw up trying to empty the potty chair. That doesn’t even touch on what happened two days before.
And I think it is indefensible that this witty man of dignity and grace would EVER be in that position again and I think I’m the only one who sees that.
It makes me REALLY ANGRY that y’all are willing to sit by and let mother dictate how this is going to go when we all know returning to that house is a looming death sentence for him — brief upticks against a series of falls where he will eventually break something.
I’m so discouraged to find that the meanest person doesn’t just win on the national stage — the meanest person — my very own mother -- wins in my actual family.
It’s not a level playing field between Mother and Daddy — she’s willing to be as mean as it takes to get what she wants and he won’t. In my opinion, it is up to me to try to level that playing field for his benefit and I’ll go to the mat with that woman if doing so will allow me to move forward with a clear conscience.
I do love you all SO MUCH but come on — are you really OK with this?
Think of me as an advocate for Daddy. I’m not trying to create a fuss between us but I do think that everyone is so focused on not pissing off that woman that you’ve lost sight of the fact that there is another person involved whose life would be IMMEDIATELY and MATERIALLY improved by moving to an assisted living environment.
She can sleep anywhere.
Bidden or not bidden God is present.
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Re: Tonight's note to my siblings
[Re: LadyGrey]
#419957
03/06/17 11:00 AM
03/06/17 11:00 AM
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Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 6,421
whatsupdoc?
Member
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Member
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 6,421
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Depending on the level of care he needs now, and the increase he will likely need in the foreseeable future, you advocate for a facility that can handle that scenario.
That was a problem we had. We were assisted living, not nursing care. Many clients and potential clients really needed nursing care, but the families did not want to face that. They wanted us to provide 24 hr personal assistance to their parent.
Some facilities half and half - that is less traumatic (moving places) for the resident.
Me: 50 XH: 13 - well, does emotional age count? DD1: 24 DD2: 20 30 year partnership...
M: Dec, 1987 Bomb: May 12, 2014 D: Oct, 2015 Ratz. I am learning how to surf!
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Re: Tonight's note to my siblings
[Re: LadyGrey]
#419960
03/06/17 11:08 AM
03/06/17 11:08 AM
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Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,887 HI
Orchid2
Ambassador
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Ambassador
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,887
HI
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My mom and I were the primary care givers for one of my grandmothers. I did the cleaning after here and helping her bathe. It wasn't shameful, it was done out of love and I tried to keep my grandmother's dignity in tack. The beautiful thing about my grandmother was that she never complained. We would laugh more than anything and she wold tell me about her 'watermelons' vs my tangerines or maybe persimmons. I was too small to be a cantaloupe, LOL!!!! Whatever my grandmother needed to be comfortable was what I would try to do. I'd rather clean her up than leave her lying for any amount of time in a mess. LG, next time you need help and your children ask to help, let them. You are teaching them to be caring. Remember, even the Queen of England needs assistance at times.  I lost my shame after I gave birth. Those doctors and nurses saw everything.......I didn't want to be remembered as the patient who farted but the nurse said if I did, that's ok. She told me to be comfortable and the staff would work around it. LOL!!!! Ok, then......  jmo, Orchid
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Re: Tonight's note to my siblings
[Re: LadyGrey]
#419969
03/06/17 03:44 PM
03/06/17 03:44 PM
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Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 10,129
SmilingWife
Global Moderator
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Global Moderator
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 10,129
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After my first chemo, I laid in pools of my own vomit and shinola and urine for 10 hours. I couldn’t get up. My husband was hunting, I had no way to call anyone and I had no idea who I could have called. I finally crawled my way to the bathtub and got in the hottest water I could bear. No worries about the mastectomy incision and infection.
I listened to Tommy banging on the bedroom door yelling, “please let me help you Mom” thinking, “there is absolutely NO WAY in ANY circle of hell I will EVER allow a child of mine to see me this way.” He finally gave up.
I’d rather die. That’s not hyperbolic — I’d rather die than have one of my children see me like that.
FWIW, I do place an extremely low value on my life. I’m just sure if I died tonight, everyone would move on just fine.
So, for me, in thinking back on my last visit to Dallas, *I* think the worst thing that could happen to Daddy happened. The WORST. His daughter and his son wiped his ass, his grandson got into the shower fully clothed to spray all of the crap off of him, and I almost threw up trying to empty the potty chair. That doesn’t even touch on what happened two days before.
And I think it is indefensible that this witty man of dignity and grace would EVER be in that position again and I think I’m the only one who sees that.
It makes me REALLY ANGRY that y’all are willing to sit by and let mother dictate how this is going to go when we all know returning to that house is a looming death sentence for him — brief upticks against a series of falls where he will eventually break something.
I’m so discouraged to find that the meanest person doesn’t just win on the national stage — the meanest person — my very own mother -- wins in my actual family.
It’s not a level playing field between Mother and Daddy — she’s willing to be as mean as it takes to get what she wants and he won’t. In my opinion, it is up to me to try to level that playing field for his benefit and I’ll go to the mat with that woman if doing so will allow me to move forward with a clear conscience.
I do love you all SO MUCH but come on — are you really OK with this?
Think of me as an advocate for Daddy. I’m not trying to create a fuss between us but I do think that everyone is so focused on not pissing off that woman that you’ve lost sight of the fact that there is another person involved whose life would be IMMEDIATELY and MATERIALLY improved by moving to an assisted living environment.
She can sleep anywhere. Why is she refusing to get your father into assisted living? What are her reasons?
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Re: Tonight's note to my siblings
[Re: SmilingWife]
#419975
03/06/17 04:49 PM
03/06/17 04:49 PM
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Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,659
LadyGrey
OP
Professional Attorney
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OP
Professional Attorney
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,659
|
Why is she refusing to get your father into assisted living? What are her reasons? The short answer is she needs him to take care of her -- she's unable to drive and is more or less an invalid. She doesn't want to leave the house. Period. He'd like to move but his wants and wishes are irrelevant to her. I know this is a common fact pattern but good God -- what an incredible mess. I just don't think I can bring myself to deal with that again, and I fear that's what I'm looking at doing when I go on Wednesday. If I can't do it without throwing up -- and I don't think I can -- I will have let down my siblings and I can't stand that idea. My mother slept through both of my dad's toileting mishaps, so she has no idea what it was like. I feel a LOT better since I sent that note. I'm not sure why. I haven't heard back from any of them and don't expect to as we will discuss all when we are together. But I'm not budging even though I know I'm going to lose.
Bidden or not bidden God is present.
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Re: Tonight's note to my siblings
[Re: holdingontoit]
#419995
03/06/17 07:47 PM
03/06/17 07:47 PM
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Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 1,398
TC_Manhattan
Member
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Member
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 1,398
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As a lawyer you know the process to take this decision away from your father and mother. It will require immense fortitude on your part. It will be expensive and a huge time investment. It will likely create an irreparable rift with your mother and perhaps your siblings. It will undoubtedly require your siblings to take sides and likely not all will side with you. That is a huge price to pay.
Only you know if you can live with yourself for not paying that price and enduring the pain. Only you know what your conscience says you owe your father. Only you know whether putting yourself through that meat-grinder will feel like expiation for not standing up to your mother earlier. Only you know if this is the chance to once and forever cut ties with your mother. Only you can predict how you will feel when your mother bars you from ever visiting her or your father again and you have to rely on your siblings for news about your parents.
I have no idea what you should do. I feel for you. This is an excruciatingly difficult position to be in. I do know that it is an honor to be able to share your journey with you. Thank you for confiding in us. Hold, depending on the state of residence, guardianship can be a pretty cut-and-dried process. In my state, Probate Court dictates the attorney fees and legal process, so there's not much wiggle room for inflating billing. You just have to find an attorney who specialized in guardianships and probate work. I got my referral from the local Alzheimer's Assn., and ended up with a superb attorney who was also on their board as well as on the board of the county Adult Protective Services. She was a former Social Worker who went on to specialize as an attorney in just this work. As for the fortitude part, well, I won't deny that will be a big part. As for the irreparable rift, well from all LG has shared over time, that is a given. It's been there for ages. Yes, heroes have plenty of folks who don't like them either. Just the way it goes. Do what you gotta do..
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Re: Tonight's note to my siblings
[Re: LadyGrey]
#420033
03/07/17 04:07 PM
03/07/17 04:07 PM
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Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,444 midwest
Miranda
Global Moderator
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Global Moderator
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 13,444
midwest
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After my first chemo, I laid in pools of my own vomit and shinola and urine for 10 hours. I couldn’t get up. My husband was hunting, I had no way to call anyone and I had no idea who I could have called. I finally crawled my way to the bathtub and got in the hottest water I could bear. No worries about the mastectomy incision and infection.
I listened to Tommy banging on the bedroom door yelling, “please let me help you Mom” thinking, “there is absolutely NO WAY in ANY circle of hell I will EVER allow a child of mine to see me this way.” He finally gave up.
I’d rather die. That’s not hyperbolic — I’d rather die than have one of my children see me like that.
FWIW, I do place an extremely low value on my life. I’m just sure if I died tonight, everyone would move on just fine.
So, for me, in thinking back on my last visit to Dallas, *I* think the worst thing that could happen to Daddy happened. The WORST. His daughter and his son wiped his ass, his grandson got into the shower fully clothed to spray all of the crap off of him, and I almost threw up trying to empty the potty chair. That doesn’t even touch on what happened two days before.
And I think it is indefensible that this witty man of dignity and grace would EVER be in that position again and I think I’m the only one who sees that.
It makes me REALLY ANGRY that y’all are willing to sit by and let mother dictate how this is going to go when we all know returning to that house is a looming death sentence for him — brief upticks against a series of falls where he will eventually break something.
I’m so discouraged to find that the meanest person doesn’t just win on the national stage — the meanest person — my very own mother -- wins in my actual family.
It’s not a level playing field between Mother and Daddy — she’s willing to be as mean as it takes to get what she wants and he won’t. In my opinion, it is up to me to try to level that playing field for his benefit and I’ll go to the mat with that woman if doing so will allow me to move forward with a clear conscience.
I do love you all SO MUCH but come on — are you really OK with this?
Think of me as an advocate for Daddy. I’m not trying to create a fuss between us but I do think that everyone is so focused on not pissing off that woman that you’ve lost sight of the fact that there is another person involved whose life would be IMMEDIATELY and MATERIALLY improved by moving to an assisted living environment.
She can sleep anywhere. I understand all of this down to the depths of my marrow. I live (or have lived) in a situation like this, where the meanest person gets their way. It's abhorrent. It's heinous. I would fight that too.
When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
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