Even though this article focuses on men abusing their wives, I would say that this message also needs to be pointed toward abusive wives as well.

http://foreverymom.com/marriage/enough-enough-church-stop-enabling-abusive-men-gary-thomas/

I'd add child abuse to that.

I wonder how much of this belief--that because God hates a divorce you have to put up with whatever kind of abuse your mate dishes out--I wonder how much comes from the actual Church and how much is the abusive mate making the abused mate belief that.

I am part of a conservative religion. Remarriage is only allowed when adultery is committed. But no one is encouraged to stay in an abusive marriage and no one gets to say how much you have to take.

A lot of it comes from the church, actually. I can't count the number of people I know who went to their clergy and were told to pray, that the husband was the head of the wife, to change their own behavior, etc.

It's a prominent theme in their media, as well.

This is from the fanatical Focus on the Family, and you will note that there's not one mention of abuse. It is not listed under the 'biblically permissible" reasons to divorce.

How Should a Christian View Marriage and Divorce?

I also have no idea why you would have to choose to 'live in sin' under the beliefs of a church or be alone for the rest of your life. Odd stuff.

I have never been involved with a church that condoned abuse but like in the general population there were abusive people/parents as well as alcoholics, anorexics, mental illness, sexual predators and other things that are found in the general population. And like within the general population, it remained hidden until it couldn't be hidden any more. The people suffering could accept help and support from the church if they wanted to change. Many did not.

The ones that were the worst to me were the plain old controllers who (mis)used things in religion in order gain and maintain control at the expense of the well being of others, a lot of them children.

People find all sorts of justifications for what they do. Not all churches require or condone abuse although many people lump them all together. I do believe that people will find and stay with what suits them best. Consider the change in membership after a certain message board went through drastic changes regarding its "message". Like message boards, not all churches spread their messages in the same ways. To each their own.

For me I would choose to not remarry if I didn't have scriptural grounds because I believe marriage is a serious vow broken only by adultery or death. Living in harmony with your beliefs is not a hardship.

OK, so I must have one of those nonstandard characters in there somewhere. Hopefully I'll figure it out and get the post to appear, but I'm not going beat my head against the wall all afternoon.

To me, this is similar to the reason why so many middle school gym teachers are bullies. Because if you want to be a bully as an adult, you have to choose jobs carefully. You can't bully the elementary school kids because the Moms will eat you alive and you'll get arrested. You can't bully the high school kids because some of the boys are full grown and will clean your clock. So middle school is "just right" if you get your jollies bossing people around with little risk of response.

If you want to abuse people, hierarchical religions provide a good mechanism for poking your nose in other people's business and not getting called on it. You have an excuse - you are helping them follow God's will. And people who join hierarchical religions and who do not seek higher office tend to feel comfortable being submissive and probably won't report initial attempts at control. Plus they tend to be willing to open themselves up to those in authority. So the flock is easy pickings for abusers. Self-selects for both sides of the dynamic.

Agreed. Not all congregations have the problem, but the problem exists. While it isn't the norm, isn't rare, either.