My petition happened a year after my father died. Wasn't until then that it became obvious that my mother was not rowing with both oars in the water, though she resisted any attempts at outside assistance (including her kids). Her comment was that my father had always managed everything financial, and now it was her turn at the money thing. Under attorney's advice, we cajoled her into having a psychological evaluation (which insurance covered completely, and involved almost 8 hrs. of interactive evaluation) and that was what worked for us in our petition.

I understand that LG has her mother as adversary in a petition, but my focus would be equally on her serving to obstruct LG's father from getting the care he needs. That's why I thought Adult Protective Services could help advise her through how to handle this. It surely would not be the first time they experienced it. Maybe it is she who needs evaluating in this circumstance. Onset of dementia really triggers a self-protective fear of any outside interference or loss of control.

Just my thoughts..

Can you have your mom evaluated? Speak to her GP or geriatric physician?

If you can put professional support with you, it might bolster your plan.

Your dad needs to get to a place where he is being cared for if that is what is needed.

Needs should be prioritized over wants right now.

Your dad having assistance with basic functions is a need and should be prioritized as such.

If your mom doesn't want to leave the house but your dad needs to, arrange for him to move out. Take care of your dad first. Your mom's issues can be dealt with either by another sibling or later.

H's parents were difficult and now they are each getting to that stage where physical care will soon become a reality. MIL moved out to the middle of WI and caring for her is already difficult (she's a hoarder and has anxiety attacks amongst other health issues).

jmo,
Orchid

T_C: I like your thoughts. Please keep sharing them.

Some good news. My sister and her husband met with my Dad and the doctor. The doctor told my dad no driving, ever again. WHEW!!!! I've been SO WORRIED about that.

The doctor also told my dad that if he falls again, he has to move and my dad appeared to agree. I'd give that 10 days to 2 weeks. I'm also guessing that when it happens, they will do whatever they can to hide it which is worrisome.

He also has to have someone come morning and night to put on and remove some special stockings so someone will be checking on them twice a day.

When he ignores all that and falls, I'll have a solid APS case, or at least I think so.

I REALLY appreciate all your thoughts. Mentally, they are both present and cogent so that makes it hard -- interesting that dementia triggers those reactions.

Headed to the airport -- at least after I see my dad I will have a bit more clarity on where he is.

My mother is certainly my adversary -- I'm hoping to get through the week without that coming to a head because NOTHING I say is going to matter.

Good luck, LG.
We will be thinking about you..

Take care LG. I'm sending you strength and patience and love.

That's good progress LG. Glad the doctor can now become your father's advocate as well.

Will keep sending positive thoughts and prayers up your way.

Hugz,
Orchid

That does sound like progress. Keep busy while you wait.

Thinking of you, LG.

In a plot twist no one could have anticipated, I think my mother is addicted to codeine.

She has a vial 4 inches high by 1 inch diameter. I've never seen anything like it.

She lays on the couch all day with a visor over her eyes and sleeps.

She can get up and move around but she doesn't. She's all there mentally when she's not sleeping.

I have no way of assessing how bad her pain is or whether she is taking more than is prescribed because that vial is in her hand or right next to her all the time.

I've been on painkillers and they do make me sleepy but then I wake up and can do stuff for a while. I've never been on painkillers on a long term basis -- just after surgery or an acute injury and so I have no idea what that looks like.

I've been staying in their house for a week now so I've gotten to observe in a way I haven't ever before.

Anyone ever heard of such a thing?

I'm not sure it matters -- there is nothing I can DO about it to help my father who is sitting in his blue chair in this house all day every day NOT doing his exercises, although after a lifetime of not exercising I'm not sure how realistic it is that he's going to take up the habit at 90. He's going to fall either in the bathroom or on the two flights of stairs he insists on taking and that will be the end of that.

My dumbass doctor brothers decided to ruin the perfect situation where he had been told by a third party doctor a/k/a the Bad Guy he could NEVER drive again. One told him he couldn't drive "yet" and the other explained to him his legal rights.

Speechless I was.

Can they move to a single story no steps home?

What is the actual dosage? How much is she taking and how often? Has she taken this for a long time?

Take a photo of the label. Do you know when she picked up her last precription? Is it time to talk to her doctor?

I'm late to the party - as per the norm.

For a few years, I did software for home health and hospice, and I can say that your concerns are well-grounded in fact. The Falls Risk Assessment was a huge part of what we did...and for good reason. I hope your dad's epiphany lasts longer than you predicted.

Yes. It is what I'm working on right now. Email me.

I've actually wondered for a while if your mom could be addicted to something like prescription drugs. So much of how you describe her narcissism reminds me of MIL.

See if you can get a drug history going back to when you were growing up. Take note of things like valium, sleeping pills and over-the-counter meds in addition to pain meds. It used to be standard practice to be prescribed 60 pain pills at a time for just about any complaint. It would be interesting to discover which goes back farther.... narcissism or drug use. For MIL, the history with prescription drugs went back farther longer than the complaints against her did.

Well Daddy is not wearing his stockings anymore that are meant to regulate his blood pressure so he doesn't arbitrarily pass out, and he is driving.

To maintain his license, he has to go back for a vision test when he is 93. He's quite pleased about this.

Mother told me tonight that she is going to drive tomorrow to the flower store -- she hasn't driven in 5 years.

What am I doing about this? NOTHING.

There is, literally, NOTHING I can do.

If he loses consciousness and kills someone that is so not on me or my siblings.

It's on a system that isn't nimble enough or bold enough to deal with elderly drivers.

My mom was very independent. When her diabetes prevent her from driving (eye surgery), she was furious and wanted to prove that she was still independent.

I lived in CA and she was in HI. I heard she was in an accident and it scared her. She drove into a fence. She stopped. It hurt her because now she was at the mercy of my father and yet she didn't get help.

I tried. I moved across the ocean to help her and she refused. In the end, she kept to her word that he would take care of her medically until she died. It was more of just making a point. The love they had was lost long ago due to my father's long term narcissistic A.

So LG, do what you can and be ok with that. I had to. It was hard, aggravatingly difficult. I felt like my hands were tied but she was an adult and considered competent. She was also a hurting BS who didn't know that help was right here.

We can't control all the decisions made around us. Knowing this is hard but helps me survive through each day.

I wish I had a better support advice to give.

Hugz,
Orchid

My boss owns a body shop and my eyes have been opened to the dangers of elderly drivers. It is astounding how little oversight there is.

I am praying my parents get moved here before this becomes an issue with my parents. My dad is 79, my mom is 72. They do ok, but I would love for them to be near me so I can do more for them. But if they are hardheaded about it it really will not matter. I can't control them.

If I am not mistaken, the state of Florida has daily issues with Seniors and driving. There are reports almost daily of cars that just drive off the road and into something.

LG: If you are really concerned and are convinced that your father is a danger to others, you can make a report to the local police with your concerns.

Depending on the department, some will keep an eye out for the vehicle. They may pull over if car is showing any questionable maneuvers. They can not just simply pull them over for no reason.
If it is on "file" and they do get pulled over, this information could help the officer make a decision about driving competence.
One department sincerely thanked a friend for the info, they felt it was backing them up, another department refused to even take info, because no accident was committed.

That may sound underhanded, but it is your gut feeling, and if the safety of your parents and other drivers is a true risk, a report may not be that bad.

P.S. https://senior.com/uber-for-elders/

Would they consider using UBER? Not joking. A relative could relay the request for them - if they were afraid of the technology.

My sweet, sweet nephew shot himself whilst my brother and sister in law were at the Mayo clinic trying to sort out the condition that my brother has that I can't even pronounce. His brother found his body in the den.

The cleaners are coming at 9. It's astonishing how the mundane intrudes on the tragic.

My sister is going over to tell my parents this morning. I swear by everything I call holy that if my mother doesn't go to this funeral, she's dead to me.

I hate guns. This is not a good time to engage with me on that.

I don't know how my dear brother is going to survive this. I'm not sure I would even want to.

Depression is not to be trifled with.

I am grateful for my AMAZING family. No one hesitated a second -- all on the way to Houston.

I am grateful for Anne Lamott who taught me in her book Traveling Mercies that when tragedy strikes, we are called by Christ to build a shelter of love against the hurricane.

Actually, I'm going to download that book right now to read again on the plane.

Oh, LG..... I am so very, very sorry.

Lori

Good Lord....

That brings back some terrible memories

I'm so sorry LG. I don't really know what to say to you here.

Prayers to your family in this horrible, horrible time.

Prayers to you and your family during this difficult time.

Every.single.thing I cared about 12 hours ago seems stupid and childish and vain.

Trump? Who gives a rat's ass.

I need to talk to my Dad. I need to know he's OK.

I'm so sorry for your loss, LG.

I'm glad that you have the support of your family while you offer support to your brother and his family. Remember to take good care of yourself, too.

Prayers for all.