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So how would you handle this with your child? #424629
06/13/17 11:18 AM
06/13/17 11:18 AM
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Marta Offline OP
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How would you respond to this scenario? Do not look at anyone else's responses. I will come back and say what the Running on Empty book said later.

Zeke is a hyperactive and precocious 3rd grader, the youngest of three in a loving, and laid back family. Lately, he has gotten into trouble at school for talking back. On one such day he comes back from school with a note from his teacher describing his infraction by stating, "Zeke was disrespectful today." His mother sits him down and asks him what happened. In an exasperated tone, he tells her that when he was in recess line, Mrs. Rollo told him to stop balancing a pencil on his finger, point side up because he might "stab himself in the face." He frowned and snapped back at Mrs. Rollo by telling her that he would have to bend over ALLLLLLLL the way over like this ( demonstrating) to stab himself in the face and he isn't that stupid. In response, Mrs. Rollo confiscated his pencil, wrote his name on the board and sent the note home.

Last edited by Marta; 06/13/17 11:28 AM.
Re: So how would you handle this with your child? [Re: Marta] #424631
06/13/17 12:27 PM
06/13/17 12:27 PM
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star*fish Offline
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Let me say beforehand that I think there are lots of right answers no matter what the book says smile.


First I would go to the bathroom, close the door and laugh my head off! (Zeke sounds like a kid after my own heart).

After composing myself I would tell Zeke that the same kid who isn't stupid enough to stab himself in the face with a pencil, is smart enough to figure out that Ms. Rollo probably didn't believe he would either. Then I would ask him what he thought the real reason might be?

Then we would brainstorm some ways he could have gotten his point across while still being respectful. No matter how charming I may find his precociousness--he needs to understand social cues.

But whatever discussion ensued after that needs to end with the understanding that rules and respect for authority are much more strict at school than at home (for good reason), and that if he has a legitimate argument to make--he needs to make it respectfully and privately with his teacher.


"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: So how would you handle this with your child? [Re: star*fish] #424638
06/13/17 05:33 PM
06/13/17 05:33 PM
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Chrysalis Offline
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Well I cheated and read what star wrote.

A 3d grader is unlikely to understand that the reason the teacher felt disrespected is that she felt Zeke was calling her stupid in front of all those kids. He pushed the logic of what she was saying to a ridiculous end, publicly. So I think my talk would be about having some consideration for what others might feel after I say something funny.


Chrysalis
Re: So how would you handle this with your child? [Re: Chrysalis] #424642
06/13/17 08:39 PM
06/13/17 08:39 PM
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Marta Offline OP
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You guys answered well. I will post what the book said if/when we ever get cutting and pasting to work again.

Re: So how would you handle this with your child? [Re: Chrysalis] #424645
06/13/17 09:12 PM
06/13/17 09:12 PM
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LivingWell Offline
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Oh my, Marta.... I had to think back because I wondered if one of mine was the example in this scenario! It sounds exactly like something he might have done.

What I would have done with Zeke (and what I did with my own little Zeke when things like this would happen) is first get his version of events. In this case, if he hadn't already given the information, I would ask him outright if he was under the impression that the adult thought he was stupid. If so, I would ask him to tell me about other times that gave him that impression. The fact is, there are adults who are disrespectful to children and cry foul when they get disrespect in return. If it was a case of ongoing disrespect by the adult then I would talk to someone about it (if it was a lunch lady then I would talk to the teacher, if it was a teacher then I would talk to the principal, etc.). However, even if there was disrespect coming from the adult, that wouldn't be the end of it....

I would talk to Zeke about there being more than one way to view situations and that he might have done things in a smart and safe way according to what he could see but the adult might have seen possibilities that he did not. We would talk about some of those possibilities and maybe act it out with an unsharpened pencil. We would talk about someone else having a different view and idea didn't mean they were stupid.... but limiting himself to only his view could be considered a stupid thing to do because others might have an idea or insight he could use.

Zeke would be reminded that he was required to follow directions in school in a respectful manner unless it was unsafe for him or others to do so. We would go over the procedure I wanted followed if that were to ever be the case.

There's more depending on the variables in the situation. It took some time to deal with this sort of thing because I would follow up with the adult to get their version of events. What happented from there depended on the adult.

Re: So how would you handle this with your child? [Re: LivingWell] #424646
06/13/17 09:15 PM
06/13/17 09:15 PM
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LivingWell Offline
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Curious as to how others answered. Especially interested in those who also had a little Zeke!

Re: So how would you handle this with your child? [Re: star*fish] #424647
06/13/17 09:21 PM
06/13/17 09:21 PM
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LivingWell Offline
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Originally Posted By: star*fish
First I would go to the bathroom, close the door and laugh my head off! (Zeke sounds like a kid after my own heart).

Star, too bad that I didn't know you when my Zeke was young. I would have gladly given you two plenty of visits in order to enjoy each other while I enjoyed a nice break! laugh1

Re: So how would you handle this with your child? [Re: LivingWell] #424648
06/13/17 09:31 PM
06/13/17 09:31 PM
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Marta Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: LivingWell
Oh my, Marta.... I had to think back because I wondered if one of mine was the example in this scenario! It sounds exactly like something he might have done.

What I would have done with Zeke (and what I did with my own little Zeke when things like this would happen) is first get his version of events. In this case, if he hadn't already given the information, I would ask him outright if he was under the impression that the adult thought he was stupid. If so, I would ask him to tell me about other times that gave him that impression. The fact is, there are adults who are disrespectful to children and cry foul when they get disrespect in return. If it was a case of ongoing disrespect by the adult then I would talk to someone about it (if it was a lunch lady then I would talk to the teacher, if it was a teacher then I would talk to the principal, etc.). However, even if there was disrespect coming from the adult, that wouldn't be the end of it....

I would talk to Zeke about there being more than one way to view situations and that he might have done things in a smart and safe way according to what he could see but the adult might have seen possibilities that he did not. We would talk about some of those possibilities and maybe act it out with an unsharpened pencil. We would talk about someone else having a different view and idea didn't mean they were stupid.... but limiting himself to only his view could be considered a stupid thing to do because others might have an idea or insight he could use.

Zeke would be reminded that he was required to follow directions in school in a respectful manner unless it was unsafe for him or others to do so. We would go over the procedure I wanted followed if that were to ever be the case.

There's more depending on the variables in the situation. It took some time to deal with this sort of thing because I would follow up with the adult to get their version of events. What happented from there depended on the adult.





This is very very close to the "correct" answer the book gives. She gives 12 examples of parents who miss the mark for one reason or another. AS I mentioned, I have everything typed out but I cannot cut and paste. It will not show up. The book is Running on Empty. The first part of the book is here:

https://truthcanprevail.com/2014/03/16/running-on-empty/

Re: So how would you handle this with your child? [Re: Marta] #424652
06/13/17 10:25 PM
06/13/17 10:25 PM
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LivingWell Offline
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I'm with Star that there isn't one "correct" way to deal with this type of situation and kid.

It might interest you to know that some other parents judged me harshly and expressed their disapproval of how I did things MANY times amongst themselves and sometimes to me directly. I worked with good teachers, principal, and my own therapist on his behalf.... all of whom had a different opinion of my parenting.

Imho, the authoritative parenting style that catperson describes works well with this type of kid although I disn't know rhat it had a name when my kids were growing up. For me, it evolved from a combination of common sense and desperation. Lol

Re: So how would you handle this with your child? [Re: Marta] #424670
06/14/17 05:38 AM
06/14/17 05:38 AM
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caffine Offline
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I would say, you are right you would probably have to bend way over like that but do you think your teacher maybe wanted you stand in line quietly, that maybe the pencil might have flown off into the air and hit another classmate in the face?

And then they could sit and think about that, and later write a letter to the teacher and tell them how they should be behaving in school as they are there to learn not goof around.

Maybe part of school is learning how to think of others and be quite so everyone has the same chance.

Probably would punish them by grounding of no tv for a week.

Adding also, everyone thinks their child is precious and every family thinks they are loving. There are many types of children and families and school is a time to let everyone learn, not to have one child make so much noise and be a goof off that it ruins it for others. Just think if the entire line had all the children messing around with their pencils, what fun for the teacher.

Last edited by caffine; 06/14/17 05:42 AM.
Re: So how would you handle this with your child? [Re: caffine] #424724
06/15/17 02:19 PM
06/15/17 02:19 PM
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holdingontoit Offline
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I did not read any of the other responses.

I would tell him that life is about choices and he can choose to stifle himself to prevent negative responses or he can indulge himself in snarky responses and he is going to get his face pounded a few times. Maybe more than a few times. But he gets to decide if it is worth it.

As he grows the world is going to expect him to stifle himself in many situations and learning to do so is a useful skill. Good to be able to stifle yourself in any situation even if you don't always choose to do so. As a child you should respect and control yourself with adults. Especially teachers. As an adult he will mostly have to stifle with bosses. And pretty much always stifle with law enforcement.

I would tell him will back him up if someone punishes him when it was not deserved. But I will back up the authority figure if his behavior was out of line. And to me, that comment to the teacher was out of line / disrespectful.

I would also tell him that many people in life are not as funny and quick witted as him and he better get used to putting up with people who don't see humor the same way he does. In time he will find some buddies and they can mock the rest of the world in their own little zone of secrecy with far fewer negative repercussions. Better to have a few good friends who "get" you than to strive to have everybody like you on the surface.

But we all know I am weird and my responses would not be typical or textbook.


Solutions? There are none. There are decisions.
Re: So how would you handle this with your child? [Re: holdingontoit] #424727
06/15/17 03:06 PM
06/15/17 03:06 PM
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Miranda Offline
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Originally Posted By: holdingontoit
I did not read any of the other responses.

I would tell him that life is about choices and he can choose to stifle himself to prevent negative responses or he can indulge himself in snarky responses and he is going to get his face pounded a few times. Maybe more than a few times. But he gets to decide if it is worth it.

As he grows the world is going to expect him to stifle himself in many situations and learning to do so is a useful skill. Good to be able to stifle yourself in any situation even if you don't always choose to do so. As a child you should respect and control yourself with adults. Especially teachers. As an adult he will mostly have to stifle with bosses. And pretty much always stifle with law enforcement.

I would tell him will back him up if someone punishes him when it was not deserved. But I will back up the authority figure if his behavior was out of line. And to me, that comment to the teacher was out of line / disrespectful.

I would also tell him that many people in life are not as funny and quick witted as him and he better get used to putting up with people who don't see humor the same way he does. In time he will find some buddies and they can mock the rest of the world in their own little zone of secrecy with far fewer negative repercussions. Better to have a few good friends who "get" you than to strive to have everybody like you on the surface.

But we all know I am weird and my responses would not be typical or textbook.


Hold, I like your response, I was thinking something like this too. About how in "our house" we have a certain sense of humor and standard of conduct that the outside world doesn't always appreciate. And that the way you act with strangers and others, especially those in authority, isn't the way you act with family.

Last edited by Miranda; 06/15/17 03:07 PM.

When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: So how would you handle this with your child? [Re: Miranda] #424732
06/15/17 04:45 PM
06/15/17 04:45 PM
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LivingWell Offline
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Hold, I love your response especially with regard to dealing with law enforcement and people having different senses of humor (was super important for my Zeke to understand that at an early age).


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