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Re: Food for Thought [Re: NewEveryDay] #431234
01/24/18 04:27 PM
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NewEveryDay Offline OP
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It was not my intent to try to manage their relationship. In my family we really commonly remind each other, like hey it's Mom's birthday don't forget to call her. But I had given up on asking him things like this a while back when he wasn't following through. I'm trying to give a last push here, but I won;t ask anything else like this if it's coming off as managing.

BTW I love the new look here smile


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Food for Thought [Re: NewEveryDay] #431265
01/24/18 09:58 PM
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Originally Posted by NewEveryDay

If I could have any outcome I wanted, which I know I don't, he would do the program and see it would have saved his first marriage, and go back to DSS's mom. Then I'd get my freedom, because really I'm getting too old for all this, and DSS would get an intact family.
That's very telling, NED.

Re: Food for Thought [Re: catperson] #431266
01/24/18 10:10 PM
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Originally Posted by catperson
Originally Posted by NewEveryDay

If I could have any outcome I wanted, which I know I don't, he would do the program and see it would have saved his first marriage, and go back to DSS's mom. Then I'd get my freedom, because really I'm getting too old for all this, and DSS would get an intact family.
That's very telling, NED.



That is what I said! Great minds and all that huh Cat?

NED, has he moved out yet?

Re: Food for Thought [Re: NewEveryDay] #431267
01/24/18 10:10 PM
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But that's what I'm supposed to be doing, right? Identifying what I want for my life. I'd like to just have a happy little life with YD for a few years and then have a happy little life on my own.

Back when I started that online dating to begin with, and met DH, I wanted so badly to try to recreate an intact family. It was the same reason I got married the first time at 21, to get a redo for what was wrong. Obviously that was not ever going to happen, I was not going to get an intact family, that was already gone. My secondary goal was to get over trying to reconnect with B, and I have gotten to that goal. The past is in the past.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Food for Thought [Re: NewEveryDay] #431268
01/24/18 10:17 PM
01/24/18 10:17 PM
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Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
But that's what I'm supposed to be doing, right? Identifying what I want for my life. I'd like to just have a happy little life with YD for a few years and then have a happy little life on my own.

Back when I started that online dating to begin with, and met DH, I wanted so badly to try to recreate an intact family. It was the same reason I got married the first time at 21, to get a redo for what was wrong. Obviously that was not ever going to happen, I was not going to get an intact family, that was already gone. My secondary goal was to get over trying to reconnect with B, and I have gotten to that goal. The past is in the past.


I can soooooo relate to that NED. That is why I stayed married so long to a cheater because I kept hoping to keep my son's FOO intact. But I couldn't do it alone. And you are right we can't recreate it with another husband.

Your girls do need you and just as importantly you need to be treated better.

Re: Food for Thought [Re: NewEveryDay] #431269
01/24/18 10:20 PM
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No SW, he is back here after the weekend. We're trying to get an appointment with his IC or my IC, but it was hard to coordinate. He got the okay from his mom to go back there YD's weeks here if we still don't have this settled by then.

I feel done, but think I should still give this a shot whether short term anger management or 6 week Compassion Power plan can make a difference.

My mom was back in the hospital today for follow up hernia repair surgery, it was successful and she's back in her hospital room.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Food for Thought [Re: NewEveryDay] #431270
01/24/18 10:28 PM
01/24/18 10:28 PM
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Miranda Offline
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NED

I think you owe yourself an apology for how you've allowed yourself to be treated for so long.

That is all.

I have nothing but love for you girl. I want you to feel that way too.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Food for Thought [Re: NewEveryDay] #431271
01/24/18 10:41 PM
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So NED you wanted a marriage to re create a family for your daughters, but it has ended up that the marriage has been harmful to the girls AND you.

Re: Food for Thought [Re: NewEveryDay] #431272
01/24/18 10:52 PM
01/24/18 10:52 PM
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Thanks guys I do appreciate the love. Yes SW I think you got that in a nutshell there.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Food for Thought [Re: NewEveryDay] #431276
01/25/18 01:16 AM
01/25/18 01:16 AM
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I thought you were going to go to your brother's if he came back instead of staying away like he promised.

Re: Food for Thought [Re: catperson] #431289
01/25/18 11:00 AM
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I just spent the last few hours reading the last 10-15 pages and I had no idea you were going through all this.

I don't have much to offer other than ((((HUGS)))) although I agree don't move out of your house.
I do agree with whoever said that you are a female nice guy,
being that I have the same issue too.

What happened with the HNHN book?
If you are going to give this another go is it possible that you can read it together?

I will try to keep following along and be a male perspective, if possible.

Re: Food for Thought [Re: NewEveryDay] #431291
01/25/18 12:42 PM
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Cat I thought about it again my reason for going to my brother and it was to avoid a hostile situation. But DH knows not to be hostile right now. Boundaries are around me and I know I am not going to accept it at this point. It’s that same halt - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired thing. If I’m feeling run down and at risk of reverting to old go-along-to-get-along behavior absolutely I will go visit my brother or get out for a few hours. But I feel not stuck after feeling stuck for a while here and I have more energy than I have in a while.

Rich I think I gave HNHN book away but I have here HNHN for parents. That’s a great idea to read it together, I remember you and your sweetheart did that when you were dating.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Food for Thought [Re: NewEveryDay] #431295
01/25/18 01:23 PM
01/25/18 01:23 PM
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Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
Rich I think I gave HNHN book away but I have here HNHN for parents. That’s a great idea to read it together, I remember you and your sweetheart did that when you were dating.

Yes we did - and that was good for us, also helped in spending time together.

Of course my perspective now is that her and I are both NICE GUYS, so I see that clearly too.
I attend a NICE GUY chat for guys, but the point is as a NICE GUY you can't do something for someone and
EXPECT something for it in return.
Us NG's seem to think that way and it is an error in thinking.

Re: Food for Thought [Re: Miranda] #431298
01/25/18 01:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Miranda
NED

I think you owe yourself an apology for how you've allowed yourself to be treated for so long.

That is all.

I have nothing but love for you girl. I want you to feel that way too.



Yes!!!

Re: Food for Thought [Re: NewEveryDay] #431485
01/29/18 05:53 PM
01/29/18 05:53 PM
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Miranda Offline
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Ned,

How you doing sweetie girl? I've been thinking about you... I hope you are taking care of all three of the beautiful women in your life (you and those daughters of yours)


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Food for Thought [Re: NewEveryDay] #431508
01/29/18 10:15 PM
01/29/18 10:15 PM
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Hi Miranda, thanks for checking in on me. My mom is still in the hospital, her followup surgery was to clean out her previous surgery site, because she has MRSA in there. She has the PICC line again and a wound vac.

She is still waiting to be released from the hospital, she still is on IV antibiotics for the MRSA. Yesterday my brothers and I were visiting, and my stepfather told us that the doctor told him that as a diabetic he is at higher risk for catching MRSA if she goes home, and that she needs to go to rehab for a few weeks instead. My mom says the doctor didn't say that. He says he didn't say it in front of her because he doesn't want her to feel bad.

I have my own history with my stepdad that I can't always trust what he says. But I understand it is hard work to be a live in caregiver, and we said we can chip in to get a CNA to come in daily. My mom doesn't want that either. So I suggested since there are 6 of us how about each of us come for the day one day a week. My mom was okay with that idea.

Everyone left, and when my mom and I were alone, I told her, we can afford a CNA. My mom said she has asked before when she needs it, but really she doesn't need another one. Medicare already was sending one out daily and that would continue when she is discharged, as would the RN 3 times a week. I also told her she can come stay with me, but she said she is more comfortable in her own home. That my late MiL didn't like staying with us after her pacemaker surgery because we make noise getting ready for work and school and all. I know.

So anyway, I can talk to the nurse next time I visit, I was kind of overwhelmed. I hate conflict like that and the 2 versions of reality.

DH has been working hard to be pitch in and be nice and all, so I feel like an obligation to give this a good last effort here. I know a new marriage needs a lot of couple time, but I did that for so long and I didn't see any negotiation, just more "if you want to spend time with friends and family it will be without me."

I'm halfway through that No More Mr. Nice Guy and I went into it with a more open mind this time. I like the exercises this time and am getting a lot out of them. Last time it just rubbed me very much the wrong way. I'm learning a lot from the exercises about that covert contract thing. I am very clear asking for what I want so I need to ask where is the disconnect here.

My friend has a timeshare in town this week but has to leave Thursday, so she said I can have it Thursday, Friday and Saturday. I feel like I "should" take the opportunity to get a little getaway with DH, give us a chance. I know a big factor in why he's been acting like this lately is because we don't get the UA time together anymore because of YD and DSS. But the last time, when we were engaged, didn't go well. I split the difference and had YD over Thursday overnight and Friday until DH was to get out of work. And I had to pick him up because he was easily lost. She felt pushed out and then he didn't want to do anything at the resort, just go to sleep. And then the next morning he I had to take him early to pick up his son because he didn't have his car, so we missed out on Saturday. So this time I just want to keep YD there the 3 days. So I'm going to do exactly that, invite her this time for the 3 days. If DH wants time together we can plan that another time.

One of my brothers and his wife are in a crisis in their marriage, and last week I sent him that Lundy Bancroft article a guide for men to change, and told him the stuff that we talk about here about respecting if she needs space as a consequence of his actions and don't worry, if she sees his change she will come back. I talked to him yesterday and I could tell this is all really sinking in, he has a confidence that he can win his wife back with consistent action. He apologized to her, her family, and her boss about his AOs with them, and is choosing to focus on his actions instead of being critical of hers. I hope he will have a success story to post one day.

And you are right I do owe myself some amends too.

I could relate to so much of what SW is posting about with the 2 kids. I sold the big house I had and put the money in a separate account. And then bought a smaller house in a less nice neighborhood with DH. I was getting the house ready to sell and looking at houses with DH before we got married, so none of this was a surprise. But he makes comments about how much nicer the other house and the other neighborhood was. This weekend DSS made a comment too. So YD had a much nicer childhood home than DSS does, but really it doesn't bother me. But SW is supposed to feel bad that DSS doesn't get what DS does? But we each work towards what we really want, and nothing was stopping DH from borrowing from his savings to put a bigger downpayment so we could have gotten a bigger home. You get out what you put into it. And SW's H could have put the brakes on his spending earlier and there would be more savings for when he wants stuff for DSS. If it meant that much to him. If it was not a priority to him then why should it be a priority for her now?

Her DH and DSS lucked out, she put much more into his health and education and quality of life than he would have had otherwise.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Food for Thought [Re: NewEveryDay] #431509
01/29/18 10:20 PM
01/29/18 10:20 PM
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I don't mean to sound ungrateful. Our neighborhood isn't the same as the older one but it is still very nice and walking distance to the park, the mall, and there are tons of kids. They helped pick it, so if they want to complain I am not going to take that on my shoulders, too. I am only one person and I can't give 3 kids what I could give 2.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: Food for Thought [Re: NewEveryDay] #431511
01/30/18 12:07 AM
01/30/18 12:07 AM
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Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
Hi Miranda, thanks for checking in on me. My mom is still in the hospital, her followup surgery was to clean out her previous surgery site, because she has MRSA in there. She has the PICC line again and a wound vac.

She is still waiting to be released from the hospital, she still is on IV antibiotics for the MRSA. Yesterday my brothers and I were visiting, and my stepfather told us that the doctor told him that as a diabetic he is at higher risk for catching MRSA if she goes home, and that she needs to go to rehab for a few weeks instead. My mom says the doctor didn't say that. He says he didn't say it in front of her because he doesn't want her to feel bad.

I have my own history with my stepdad that I can't always trust what he says. But I understand it is hard work to be a live in caregiver, and we said we can chip in to get a CNA to come in daily. My mom doesn't want that either. So I suggested since there are 6 of us how about each of us come for the day one day a week. My mom was okay with that idea.

Everyone left, and when my mom and I were alone, I told her, we can afford a CNA. My mom said she has asked before when she needs it, but really she doesn't need another one. Medicare already was sending one out daily and that would continue when she is discharged, as would the RN 3 times a week. I also told her she can come stay with me, but she said she is more comfortable in her own home. That my late MiL didn't like staying with us after her pacemaker surgery because we make noise getting ready for work and school and all. I know.

So anyway, I can talk to the nurse next time I visit, I was kind of overwhelmed. I hate conflict like that and the 2 versions of reality.

DH has been working hard to be pitch in and be nice and all, so I feel like an obligation to give this a good last effort here. I know a new marriage needs a lot of couple time, but I did that for so long and I didn't see any negotiation, just more "if you want to spend time with friends and family it will be without me."

I'm halfway through that No More Mr. Nice Guy and I went into it with a more open mind this time. I like the exercises this time and am getting a lot out of them. Last time it just rubbed me very much the wrong way. I'm learning a lot from the exercises about that covert contract thing. I am very clear asking for what I want so I need to ask where is the disconnect here.

My friend has a timeshare in town this week but has to leave Thursday, so she said I can have it Thursday, Friday and Saturday. I feel like I "should" take the opportunity to get a little getaway with DH, give us a chance. I know a big factor in why he's been acting like this lately is because we don't get the UA time together anymore because of YD and DSS. But the last time, when we were engaged, didn't go well. I split the difference and had YD over Thursday overnight and Friday until DH was to get out of work. And I had to pick him up because he was easily lost. She felt pushed out and then he didn't want to do anything at the resort, just go to sleep. And then the next morning he I had to take him early to pick up his son because he didn't have his car, so we missed out on Saturday. So this time I just want to keep YD there the 3 days. So I'm going to do exactly that, invite her this time for the 3 days. If DH wants time together we can plan that another time.

One of my brothers and his wife are in a crisis in their marriage, and last week I sent him that Lundy Bancroft article a guide for men to change, and told him the stuff that we talk about here about respecting if she needs space as a consequence of his actions and don't worry, if she sees his change she will come back. I talked to him yesterday and I could tell this is all really sinking in, he has a confidence that he can win his wife back with consistent action. He apologized to her, her family, and her boss about his AOs with them, and is choosing to focus on his actions instead of being critical of hers. I hope he will have a success story to post one day.

And you are right I do owe myself some amends too.

I could relate to so much of what SW is posting about with the 2 kids. I sold the big house I had and put the money in a separate account. And then bought a smaller house in a less nice neighborhood with DH. I was getting the house ready to sell and looking at houses with DH before we got married, so none of this was a surprise. But he makes comments about how much nicer the other house and the other neighborhood was. This weekend DSS made a comment too. So YD had a much nicer childhood home than DSS does, but really it doesn't bother me. But SW is supposed to feel bad that DSS doesn't get what DS does? But we each work towards what we really want, and nothing was stopping DH from borrowing from his savings to put a bigger downpayment so we could have gotten a bigger home. You get out what you put into it. And SW's H could have put the brakes on his spending earlier and there would be more savings for when he wants stuff for DSS. If it meant that much to him. If it was not a priority to him then why should it be a priority for her now?

Her DH and DSS lucked out, she put much more into his health and education and quality of life than he would have had otherwise.


Thanks NED.

I am sorry your mom is so sick. I hate being involved in situations where I am getting two different stories. Ugh. I assume you believe your mom over your step dad? My first MIL was a compulsive liar....I could never believe a word out of her mouth. The same with dss's mom....I never feel like I am getting the real story with things that go on in that house. I don't necessarily think it is dss's fault.... I think he repeats what they tell him....and they are liars.

I am so PROUD of you for making the decision to take your dd to the time share! I was reading along with a sense of dread and feeling so bad for you how it turned out before....and bad for your dd feeling pushed out....and when I read you were going to take dd I just about cheered! I hope you have a ton of fun....

Re: Food for Thought [Re: NewEveryDay] #431512
01/30/18 12:08 AM
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Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
I don't mean to sound ungrateful. Our neighborhood isn't the same as the older one but it is still very nice and walking distance to the park, the mall, and there are tons of kids. They helped pick it, so if they want to complain I am not going to take that on my shoulders, too. I am only one person and I can't give 3 kids what I could give 2.



My complaint about my house isn't that it is 'less'....I don't care about that. I just want it finished. I am so tired of living in a half finished house. We did a big push in September and got all new windows, doors and siding.....and paint...and gutters. Wow what a difference...but there is an interior list I want done.

Re: Food for Thought [Re: NewEveryDay] #431516
01/30/18 02:20 AM
01/30/18 02:20 AM
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NED

Thanks for taking the time to give us such a comprehensive update! I'm sorry your mom is so sick! That sounds so eerily similar to what I just went through with Daryl's chest incision and infection, it gave me a case of the cold sweats... I hope she does well with the wound vac and antibiotics and gets to healing quickly!

I am glad you decided to take your daughter to the timeshare and that you are getting so much out of NMMNG! You're doing great work, you really are. I'm very proud of you.


When we open to this moment and don't judge it or try to change it, even when we're suffering and wish it were otherwise, we tap into the spaciousness of mind that allows us to move forward skillfully, with discernment and joy. -- Sharon Salzberg
Re: Food for Thought [Re: NewEveryDay] #431518
01/30/18 02:36 AM
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NED - that was a long update! Good job taking so much time to write it all out. I also agree that taking YD to the timeshare was a great idea.

Sorry to hear about your mom. It is hard when our parents get sick and want things to be their way. Sometimes it doesn't work that way. And sometimes kids make noises getting ready for school. And sometimes people need to giggle and talk. But maybe she will be happier in her own space for a while longer.

I love Lundy Bancroft's articles and books. He absolutely nailed my Ex in his "Why does he do that?" book. Really great that you are reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" too. I think I will give it a shot too then! Hugs, NED!!

Re: Food for Thought [Re: NewEveryDay] #431522
01/30/18 04:08 AM
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Sorry to hear about your mom, NED. If she's in the hospital for MRSA in a wound, and has to be discharged, won't Medicare pay for a nursing care rehab facility? That would be my choice if I were in her position. FIL has diabetes and apparently doesn't want her home. Sorry she wouldn't consider living with you, but really?

My son and DIL lived with me for 18 months because it was necessary. I remember a lot of good times, and my DIL says she'll never do it again, LOL.
Everything from the parenting style to the noise bothered me, but we survived.

In some ways, I'm very much like your husband. I'm an introvert, but do need alone time with my partner. As a blended family, our life was consumed with the needs of the kids, and my husband had a very dysfunctional family that took up the rest of every spare minute we had. It took me about 9 years to speak up about it. That was in marriage counseling. He swore that we spent lots of time together, but promised to work on it. Our homework was to keep a calendar for 30 days, with our activities and couple's time. I made one, he didn't. On my calendar, there wasn't even an hour of time together without kids, family, or friends.

A couple of years later I told my husband "if you want to spend time with friends and family it will be without me."


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Food for Thought [Re: NewEveryDay] #431533
01/30/18 04:30 PM
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Thank goodness you're making up the timeshare thing with your daughter. She deserves it. Please don't buckle if DH makes a fit.

Re: Food for Thought [Re: NewEveryDay] #431744
02/02/18 11:39 PM
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Blair Offline
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Have a great weekend! Update us when you are home again.

Re: Food for Thought [Re: NewEveryDay] #431897
02/06/18 01:17 PM
02/06/18 01:17 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,808
NewEveryDay Offline OP
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NewEveryDay  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 8,808
SW yes it’s a weird feeling dealing with those people, as if they don’t have the truth to give you they have to run it through the machine first. That is so amazing how much got done in September! I hope now things are settling down from the holidays and DSS settling in with his car that you two will have time to plan the interior push. We did that too but on a much smaller scale, there were termites in the doorframe so the handyman took it out and rebuilt it. And put in screens so we can air out the house now. But I have to build up some cash reserve to redo the kitchen and kids bathroom.

Yes Miranda sounds a lot like Daryl, this is too much for the CNA so they have the RN out daily to flush the picc line and give the antibiotics. I am so happy Daryl has you because boy that is some risky stuff if someone careless is doing it! She’s having a hard time because the pain meds make her nauseous but anti nausea meds give her a headache so she is taking as little of the pain meds as she can. And another old wound reopened so she will show the doctor when she goes back for recheck today. Believer yes this would have been easier on her to be in rehab and doctor could come to her but she’s more at ease at home.

And my brother had an implosion in his family turns out he was acting so bad because he’s a WS and his wife had to go stay with my mom after DDay because my brother put her out for her reaction. She’s with an aunt now and safe.

Believer I understand how family and friends can take a lot of time. I went to DH last month like they say on a Sunday to plan UA time. He has arthritis so we’re limited how much we can do out if the house but I do set aside 4 days a week for him. But even with that you’re right time with our kids eats into that too. YD is in ankther 6 week SAT prep class on weekends so we have had some alone time before we each go see our moms Sundays.

That is awesome to have the good memories of 18 months together! No wonder you’re so close to your granddaughters smile

Yd and I had a great time at the timeshare, swimming in the heated pool and going to the hot tub. My friend had an extra day she forgot to tell me about before so I invited DH for Saturday. It was a good bonding time but things are still touchy between us. We went to my IC together Saturday and at first I was flabbergasted at how it went but I’ve settled down and we have to start somewhere and DH needs to feel validated too.

I’m still making my way through no more mr nice guy but I’m at the part where it’s talking about men bonding with men so I am not sure how to do those exercises lol. I can call my brothers but maybe the point is to bond with my sisterhood. One of my Al-Anon friends set up a WhatsApp group and we text each other encouragement every day, like we do here smile

Also Blair I am rereading Why Does He Do That, it’s still excellent.

I had gotten a new credit card last year and addedDH as an authorized signer, for house bills. But there’s never enough in the joint fund to pay it after mortgage and utilities so I pay it off every month from my personal account. A few weeks ago I was looking at the bill and DH put his pizza when he left when my niece came over New Years and dinner a few other times I wasn’t with him and his oil change. So I emailed him to ask what happened and took him off as a signer. He said I’m being petty but it was not what we had agreed to so it worried me.

He offered to take me out to eat a few times to pay me back so to speak, and I agreed. So yesterday he asked me to make sure to add him back by Wednesday. I told him I have to take from my savings this month to pay the kids car insurance I don’t have anything left from my paycheck to float all the groceries and house bills, can he do it this month. He got all mad and stern and said this is how men talk and I need to stop trying to end the conversation when he talks like a man. That I make more so I should pay more but I told him I already put two to one in the joint account which is more than what extra % I make.

He said that he sees me more pulling away, every man for himself. I said all I’m doing now is what he has always done, not paying for the house bills. He got more mad, let me know I have a problem always putting in the last word and he wasn’t putting up with it anymore, told me he was tired of my reframing, and thankfully ended the conversation after that. Barely spoke to me the rest of the night but it was a relief to be honest. These books are helping me remember to let go of trying to get DH to understand my way and waiting for his approval before taking action. Poja only works as a joint thing, it’s not something I can keep “setting the example in love” and expect an effect.



Last edited by NewEveryDay; 02/06/18 01:43 PM.

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