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Just updating... things do get better over time. #444195
10/03/19 04:07 PM
10/03/19 04:07 PM
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 30
2close Offline OP
2close  Offline OP
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 30
I have notice that we tend to get away from posting or updating when the pain of betrayal isn't as fresh.
I too am guilty of this but it is nice to know that I am still able to come here for support for there are days when that pain seems to find it's way back now and again.
Life does gets better over time but that pain is still hard to let go some days.
I'm seeing a therapist to help me heal, get over the XH and to move forward.

So I'm still taking one day at a time and trying to move forward with my life.
Also I am trying to be more honest with myself on what I am/was feeling instead of trying to convience myself otherwise.
I have come to realize that if I'm not honest with myself on what I'm really feeling I can not heal or more forward.

Now with the house sold then moving in with my Son things seemed a little less stressful.
Being away from seeing the XH living with the OW 100 FT right in front of me has helped.
In the passed I said it didn't bother me but I have come to admit that it had and more than I let on.
I also thought I was indiffernce towards XH but the reality was that I may not have been as I thought
myself to believe and at times I did find myself wondering about what he is up to.
I do not beat myself up for this for I figure it is to be expected and is only normal.
He is after all the Father of my childern and he was a wonderful husband and father for all those years.
This person he has become now is a person I do not want to be around.
But I still and I'm sure I will always care about him to some degree.
Yes, I do hope some day he will wake up, find the courage and to work through those issues.
Everyone is judging him on who he is today and don't remember the good man he was all those years.
So I'll be dammed to let anyone tell me how I should feel towards him otherwise.

Well, I had to deal with some of the XH's and OW's drama.
For the Closing I had inform my lawyer to inform XH's lawyer that if the OW was present I would walk out for she had no business being present which they both agreed.
So it seemed that XH came to realize he had lost more control of the situation so all of a sudden he wanted the
lawn tractor if it wasn't returned he would refused to sign the papers to close on the house.
This didn't come up until a few days prior of the Closing.
I augured the issue at first but just decided to return it so he could stick it up his ars so to speak.
Now he had no use for it, the OW has one, as I said I think he was reaching at straws to get some control back.
Then on top of that the Realtor that XH had a falling out with was now representing the Buyers, so being this all came up I'm sure that didn't go over to well with him.
She basically told him to go to Hell because he had harassed her with being so unreasonable and trying get to control when she was trying to list the house.
XH even try pull this with the realtor who was court order but again without success.
He didn't consider the fact was they had to work around my schedule and I had the say about mostly everything
being I was the one living in the house.
So it bothered him that he really had no say about it.
Then I telling the Realtors' not to allow the OW to be present when it came to discussing anything of the house.
Of course OW had to go everywhere and know everything XH was doing.
So when the OW was forced to wait outside a few times when XH had to go to the Realtor's office.
I'm guessing this didn't go over to well with them either.
Anyway being our Son did not want his Father at his home (where the tractor was for I was now staying with him)
the lawyers set up a place/time to met for him to retrieve it which would be the following day after the Closing.

The day of Closing if you haven't guessed it the OW of course came with him and after being told by his lawyer that
she was not to be present.
His Lawyer was livid for he had to hurry them to his back offices to conceal her from me knowing.
He didn't want to risk me on walking out as I had threatened.
XH's lawyer's staff was well aware of the situation and was not happy either, comments were made which were over heard on how this was so uncalled for.
They were forced to run back and fourth to office to office to get the papers all signed and trying to let on that the OW was there. The paperwork is somewhat a hassel as it is so they didn't need the extra confusion to make sure everything was completed and signed by all parties.
My lawyer had tried to conceal that the OW was present but my Realtor had arrived before and she told me that they had to hurry them back before I was to arrive.
At this point I didn't even care, I just wanted to get this said and done.
Besides with the Buyers, the Realtors along with the office people we were all laughing and
having a pretty good time so it didn't matter.
Then I came to find out later that XH's Lawyer refused to allow the OW to be present during the Closing.
She was put in another office alone so more of that control he thought he was getting back... GONE!

Then following day I was to meet up with the XH for him to retrieve the lawn tractor at the met place that the lawyers had set up.
It was a little way up from our Son's home apperently my lawyer gave him the wrong location so the XH was sitting and waiting at the wrong place.
After some time he may have thought that I wasn't going to show so drove to our Son's home.
(you think he would of just called or text me, but of course not)
I was a little way up the street in my car waiting for him to show with the tractor.
I was on my cell talking to my Mother waiting when I seen the XH stop at the corner.
Of course the OW was with him, I shouldn't have been so surprised but I didn't think she would be with him.
He saw me, pulled up to my car and said that this was not where we were suppose to meet.
I answered him with "yes it is, I'm here aren't I"?
He pulled up more and parked then the OW got out of the truck and stood there...
Well this set me off.

Now I had keep my composure over the years...
I did not say or do anything to lower myself to her level I had to much self respect for myself...
BUT.... for her to come around my Son's home this was the straw that broke this camel's back!
My Son didn't want his own Father around his house and for her to come around it as well... Bull!
She stood there as XH went to get the trailer set up to load the lawn tractor.
Now considered I was very angry I still stayed calm.
I did not yell or cursed but I did make known on what I thought of her.
I think this suprised my XH on how calm I was for in the past I would have been this ragging Psyco screaming, cursing and not having any control.
This may have been the reason that the OW was standing so far back.
XH may have mentioned to her how I was (in the past) so she stood there saying nothing.

I stayed in my car (mom was on speaker listening) as I stated to OW on the lines of what kind of trash she must be knowingly running around with a married man, knowing that his wife just got done battling an illness, what would her Mother think about what kind of trash of a daughter she had if she knew the real truth, then getting engaged to a married man yet, on how pathtic that is and what everyone thinks and says about her.
By her reactions I think I have touch a few nerves.
When I bought up on what everyone thinks and is saying about her the XH finally spoke up.
He told me to "stop and that's enough".
I laughed and said "No, I will not she knew but didn't care because that is the piece of trash she is".
My XH then said, "it wasn't her it was all him".
I said again with a laugh, "yeah that's it defend her because you know she NEEDS to be defended.

Now this may have been a little childish on what I said next but...
I said, "good luck trying to get the tractor on the trailer without the key to start it.
The look on his face... then studdered over his words... what, why, where is the key?
I said, "I have it's here in the car"... when he asked for me to give it to him...
I replied, "you should of thought about that before you brought your trash with you".
I then I drove off as I saw the look of astonishment on XH's face watching him from my rear view mirror...
that look was just priceless!

I rode passed my Son who was on his Quad coming up the alley at the time, informed him that the OW was with his father
then continue to the next block over, parked to watched them through the yards concealed from their view.
I could not see that my Son had drove up and was sitting there.
He had rode up on the Quad and parked behind them watching
My son took it upon himself to video tape them as they struggled to push the tractor on the tralior trying like all Hell not to laugh.
He told me he wanted to give me proof that his father recieved the tractor so not to try and say later that he didn't get it back.

OMG! I love my Son for doing that it gave me such a laugh watching him and her struggling to push this very, very
heavy lawn tractor on the tralior, which she was not much help on doing.
(no the OW is almost 10 years older than the XH but she looks, dresses and acted the age of a 70 year old)
Then my Son went to tell me that his Father was obviously pissed off... Because after he finally got the tractor onto the trailer the
OW refuse to get in the truck.
As he was strapping it down and after he asked her a few times to get in the truck and he refusal to do so he got to the point of raising his voice and cursing at her to get in.
He also thinks that his Father wanted to talk to him but her refusing to get in the truck he was unable to.
As I said, she has to be everywhere and know everything he does.
Knowing my XH being he always hated any kind of confortation he will give in, allow her to control what he does so he doesn't
have to hear it or deal with it and if it will make his life easier he allows it.

So and yes, I know it may have been a little childish as my Lawyer has stated after he call to see if the tractor was returned.
When I told him "yes, the tractor was returned but no one said anything about the key"!

As I said I had not done or said anything through all this bullsh*t I was put through.
Then after the day before when she came to the Closing even knowing that I could have walked out, risking of being sued by either the Realtors or Buyers I was just pushed a little to far.
But with the XH bringing her around me and then to our Son's home yet as I said I just could not let it go any longer.
I told my Lawyer, "I think I have been pretty good up until now and I could have done and caused a whole lot of sh*t for them other than keeping a dam key"...
"So yes it may have been childish but I was just pushed to the point a little to far"!

Well, I hung that key on my rear view mirror in my car which still hangs there as of today.
It's just a little reminder of that little bit of gratification on speaking my mind and seeing the look on his face.
So be it!

I may have apparently made the point that I will no longer hold my toungue and keep quiet.
The next encounter I had with XH and OW either one would not look in my direction especially my Ex Husband.
We had to appear in court and even tho the court order stated clearly in bold print that the parties that are involved and attorneys are the only ones allowed to be present... no other.
Apparently XH and OW didn't think this applied to them.
Once again OW was where she had no business being.
So they had to make special accomendations again maybe in fear of a confrontation that I would not allowed myself
to do again.
I had said my peace and that was only because I was more pissed about her being around my Son's home.
When it comes to my kids the claws tend to come out.
So anyway the Judge had said something to XH's Lawyer about her being there and was not happy about it.
He was very aggervated that even when he expressed to them that OW is not to be present he is only to be ignored.
He to has had enough of the OW always having the need to be present and had even expressed it that he is fed up with the XH needing her to hold his hand.
This had been said in the judge's chambers and was said to my Lawyer a few times by XH's lawyer.

I haven't seen or heard from him since nor has either of the kids.
So no drama to contend with from him lately but this will not last.
We will be back in court to get something settled that he is trying to denied on doing.
Also to get some other things completed.

I have heard through the grapevine that things aren't all a bed of roses between them...
if this is true what comes to mind is...

"Reap what you Sow".

I just know I am trying to keep moving forward for myself.
Great things have happened and are happening in my life.

First of all...
I have been blessed with a beautiful, adorable Grandchild!
She is the perfect lil baby!
I was allowed to see her enter the world and the moment she was born
she took my breath away!
I can not get enough of that adorable laugh, smile or face!
She is my heart!
I just love being a Grandmother!

Also I now haved moved out of my son's home.
I have bought my own home with the proceeds of the sale of the marital home.
I love having a house of my own and having a happy home again.
I love the fact that my kids want to come and visit again.
They don't feel uncomfortable nor need to worry about seeing thier Father.
Nor having to worry about the OW acting like inmature teenager and starting bull crap drama.
I have bought a home that is about a block and half away from where I grew up.
I also have a really nice size yard which I am able to build that garage I always wanted.
The surroundings are similiar to where I had once lived.
I have a beautiful view from my front porch and the side yard.
It is quiet and houses are spaced away from one another.
The house needs some updateing but nothing that I can't handle.
I have a tons of ideas on what I would like to do and lookng forward on doing them.
I already have made some updates and some changes.
I am looking forward to celebrating the holidays here as my family.

I have a better relationship with my kids and we have become closer than ever.
I've been meeting new people and made new friends and in touch with some old ones.
I have started taking better care of myself, well most of the time.
I have been
I have learned to let things go, to be more laid back and try not to let things bother me.
I try to look for the postives and seem to be finding a lot of it.
I believe things do happen for a reason.
I try to avoid negative people in my life.
I am learning more about myself and I can laugh at myself.
I can stop taking things to heart or too seriously.
I can honestly say I am pretty much content and happy.

So things do get better with time...
You just need to give yourself a chance to heal.

Re: Just updating... things do get better over time. [Re: 2close] #444196
10/03/19 05:03 PM
10/03/19 05:03 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,149
Fergie Offline
Fergie  Offline
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,149
Originally Posted by 2close
I have heard through the grapevine that things aren't all a bed of roses between them...
if this is true what comes to mind is...

"Reap what you Sow".

I'd be careful in reading too much into that mindset.

If your XH is a sociopath (as many BS's feel like their cheating spouses turn into), it would be very freeing to have someone (OM/OW) accept them for who they truly are (sociopath and all), since they are the same person.

They didn't turn into sociopaths. They always were and it was a lot of work to continue to wear the mask.

Your XH is where he should be.

I hope you can only find continuing increasing peace as you get further away from these two jerks.

Re: Just updating... things do get better over time. [Re: 2close] #444198
10/03/19 08:00 PM
10/03/19 08:00 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,887
Orchid2 Offline
Orchid2  Offline
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 10,887

Thanks for the update. Wow, you have been through a lot more from the last time.

The Ow you had to deal with seems like a real wiener (sarcastic winner description). smirk OW won't change, she is a person with issues and projects them on others. WS now has his hands full but he wanted to step down in life and settle for a person who is highly jealous and with major inferiority issues that mask under the bully face.

Your WS appears to be a slow learner and will eventually see his regret. By then you will already be on your way to a better and saner life. Your WS will bear the scars of his decisions even if he does admit the error of his ways.

Sad for him but glad for you that you put yourself and children ahead of suffering further as a BS by hanging onto a failing WS.

The key and the tractor story is one for the books around here. smile Many have similar type of stories. Upon reflection there is some humor in some of it but at the moment, it can be quiet frightening.

Just wanted to add that your experience can help bring reality to what others are suffering and you are in a position to help those starting down this path. While each experience is unique, the path is well worn. I have found that sharing experiences (leaving out identifiable names, locations not relevant) but just enough to make your point. Like how you described your experience. I found this has helped me heal as well, especially since I suffered through long term issues that have survived (continuing with new issues of sorts) even the death of one of the WS' (my father).

In my case, the issues with WSt (stbxh) is less stressful than the ongoing ones with my own father but I have learned to stay balanced and focused.

Please keep us updated.

Take care,

Last edited by Orchid2; 10/03/19 08:12 PM. Reason: added info

Re: Just updating... things do get better over time. [Re: 2close] #444199
10/04/19 03:05 AM
10/04/19 03:05 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,690
Blair Offline
Blair  Offline
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,690
Really good to see your update. Things are much better for you too! Congrats on the new grandbaby!

Re: Just updating... things do get better over time. [Re: 2close] #444207
10/08/19 12:04 AM
10/08/19 12:04 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 6,421
whatsupdoc? Offline
whatsupdoc?  Offline
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 6,421
Positive update. Keep striving for your inner peace. You deserve some at this point.

Me: 50
XH: 13 - well, does emotional age count?
DD1: 24
DD2: 20
30 year partnership...

M: Dec, 1987
Bomb: May 12, 2014
D: Oct, 2015
I am learning how to surf!

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