I just re-read my last post and feel like I should clarify something. I didn't mean to come across sounding as if I was saying my DH didn't trigger at all. He did trigger and he is working through it. I'm glad for his sake each year the triggering lasts a shorter amount of time. I think for me one thing I have learned is to let him deal with his triggers the way he wants to do it. I always want to step in and explain things to him so he can see the whole picture when he wants to be left alone to process.

Lil posted a thread yesterday that really hit home for me. On the Need to Know

I know I told him everything, but after reading Lil's thread I was reminded that regardless of the facts he wasn't there so there are things he doesn't know.

Thanks for sharing your evolving progression, LC. Personal and marital recovery is a process and though I've often wished we could have a do-over, it is what it is. (In the past.)

As we focus on the future we can use experiences of the past as a foundation upon which to build better lives and marriages. The revelations you gleaned from Lil's thread is a positive reminder for all of us, FWS or FBS, of how this is an ongoing journey.

Again, I appreciate your contributions to MA even if you're not able to stop by on a regular basis. Many can benefit from your insights.

Ace

I really smiled when I read your post the other day LC. It was because of the familiarity of this:

What you are saying here is true for me too.

When both partners work hard and learn from their mistakes there are rewards.

Thanks Ace. Ironically just the other day I was thinking about my lack of participation here. I have more free time now than I ever have. I finally figured out what it is. When I was working on my EP's I cut myself off from everyone in the real world and spent all my time online on various boards. Now that I have the "new me" figured out I've re-joined the real world and have made time for my IRL friends.

I read here almost every day. Often though by the time I am reading a thread other posters have it all under control and I don't have anything to offer that hasn't already been said

Lil's thread was definitely a reminder I needed. A few times over the years my DH would trigger over something and I would wonder to myself "Why that? That was so insignificant in comparison to other things." The answer is...because he wasn't there. I have given him all the pieces to the puzzle I can, but there will always be parts missing because he wasn't there. IOW, he has the facts, but will never have the context and this is what I need to remember.

He knows I am always open to clarify if he asks. I want to ask him about his 4th of July triggers, but wanted to give him a few days to process like he likes. I want to hear what he triggered about and see if I can somehow ease his mind. Of course since it's been 9 years there is a lot I have trouble remembering.

Hi Squeaky Tree,

So true! It is amazing how far a couple can come if they acknowledge their mistakes and work as a team to achieve a similar goal

I'm so glad Lil's link reminded you of this aspect. I think it applies to many circumstances, even beyond our marital challenges to all relationships where conflict exists. Context and perceptions will differ from person to person, time to time, location to location. To reach true recovery, we need to consider context from the other person's point of view.

Glad you have so many IRL friends with which you've reconnected but it's also great to have you share your insights here, too.

Thanks,
Ace

As the wife of a newly exposed WS who has been trying to dismiss his affair as more or less inconsequential since it was "only an EA" reading your story has been very enlightening. Thank you so much LC and Docp for your willingness to share your story in such an open and honest way!

Someone was reading this thread tonight (Feb. 11, 2021) and I'm amazed that this post (July, 2013) was made over a year after my prior "last post" in July 2012. It looks like Swallow only posted 33 times----I'll look up her history later. I hope that any enlightening this thread offered her may have helped her WH realize the seriousness of what he did. I pray that they were able to recover their M.




Hey LC and Docp,

So it sounds like you're approaching your 35th wedding anniversary. Any big travel plans if the COVID situation subsides?

Ace