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Re: A Smiling update [Re: Blair] #445393
04/02/21 02:08 AM
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Originally Posted by Blair
You can suggest he moves in with his friend so they can work on the fixer-house together. Explain that together they can fix it faster, and maybe he asks his friend that while they are fixing it that his work helping will pay his half of thecrent money. You and your DH's joint enthusiasm will encourage DSS to get out and start learning some things. (But only share all the positive things.) Then, sit back, and let him learn. He desperately needs to have those growth opportunities. Some kids need a it of a nudge to spread their wings and fly.


He is already helping his friend work on it when he can. It is not livable right now.

Re: A Smiling update [Re: SFB] #445394
04/02/21 02:12 AM
04/02/21 02:12 AM
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Originally Posted by SFB
SW,

Thanks for replying.

Its OK that he has invested at Robin Hood. Let him put $5k into AMC. If it fly's, great, if it crashes, even better. He learns something both ways. Neither of which you or DH could have taught him.

If it Flys, it teaches him that investing is a good idea, it builds for the future.

If it Crashes, he learns that his choices have consequences, and he needs to be a little more careful.

There are no "get rich quick" schemes. I get that. But $5k in the market? In 42 years? $360K.

I would say to him: "OK, put $1,00-$1,500 on AMC. Put the rest is a good Emerging Market, Tech, or Value fund."

Did I tell you that I tried to by Google when it went public? It was priced at $85 a share. It is $2,125 today. My broker said that the paperwork was "difficult" and I did not buy. I was going to buy 10 shares, I lost $20,400 because of that.

Just say yes.

(((SW)))

SFB






We aren’t going to forbid it. But nor can we stand buy and not give him our opinion on it. We showed him two houses today and I could let him crash and burn easier if it didn’t mean him being in my house that much longer not cleaning up after himself or helping out,

Re: A Smiling update [Re: SmilingWife] #445395
04/06/21 05:53 AM
04/06/21 05:53 AM
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I’m trying to get mine to participate in the first time homebuyers program in the town where she works, where they match her down payment with and interest free loan 2 to 1. She’ll know when she’s ready. We still pay towards her 2 bedroom apartment because we go visit a few times a year. I want to make a plan for her to take this over.

For DSS I can imagine he’s so happy to finally be out of a fixer upper and not exited to pay his bills again. What’s the long term plan so you get some light at the end of the tunnel?


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: A Smiling update [Re: SmilingWife] #445396
04/06/21 06:00 AM
04/06/21 06:00 AM
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I just reread it and you do have a plan but just needs some dates.

It’s funny you’re telling your son not to invest and we’re telling DD25 she needs to be investing more in 401k but she wants to keep more out for spending. I told her she can take a loan from it when she’s ready to buy a home. I told her once and then have to leave her be she has access to all the information.

Last edited by NewEveryDay; 04/06/21 06:00 AM.

"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: A Smiling update [Re: NewEveryDay] #445397
04/07/21 01:26 AM
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Dss has never left our home. His friend bought a fixer that is not livable. When the friend gets that house livable ds’s will move in with him.,

Re: A Smiling update [Re: NewEveryDay] #445398
04/07/21 01:28 AM
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Maxing out your 401k is completely different than buying stock through Robinhood in an effort to completely manipulate the market and gamble on it turning out for your benefit.

Re: A Smiling update [Re: SmilingWife] #445399
04/07/21 02:22 AM
04/07/21 02:22 AM
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SW I just looked it up Robinhood doesn’t offer an IRA wow yes we are talking apples and oranges. I didn’t know he meant hoping to time the market and I’d be hugely concerned about 5K for that too. Would he be open to opening an IRA? Or at least committing to a move out date?

My DD19 is moving away for school in August. It’s been good having her do virtual school in the meantime.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: A Smiling update [Re: SmilingWife] #445401
04/13/21 05:54 PM
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Dh and I had a huge fight last night. About Dss20 of course. He said I am mean and a bully. And he yelled really loud at me. Then he was so upset. Near tears.

Dss20 was off Sunday yesterday and today.
I asked him to pick up two small pile of leaves so his dad could mow in that area. Even though there was much more to do than that, he did that one little thing and then came back in the house to his bedroom. I went outside and worked for a couple of hours pruning bushes and cleaning out leaves from around the Fenceline. It is a big yard and a lot of work. So I paid a young man we know $60 to come work yesterday morning. It seemed logical that Dss20 could help since he was off work. Turns out after I left for work Dh asked dss what his plans were for the day. Laundry he says. So Dh said well in between that can you help the young man in the yard.

When I got home after work it was obvious dss had not helped in the yard at all. And there were clothes in the washer and dryer. I did not say anything. After dinner dss was on his way out the door to a friends. He said he was waiting for his towels to finish drying. I said, no problem I will watch them for you. When I later took his clothes to his room I could not believe how bad it was. I called Dh in and said ‘this is insane. Bad enough we have to pay for yard work while he sits on his ass, but he can’t even keep this room halfway decent.

It went from bad to worse. He was angry at me, angry at his
son. He called dss over and over and he did not pick up.

I am just so sick of it. I got home at lunch and dss had cooked food and left a mess. But when he heard me he came out of his room and went out in the back yard to pick up leaves. So I know Dh says something to him but I don’t know what.

Re: A Smiling update [Re: SmilingWife] #445402
04/14/21 02:29 AM
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Why is your DH angry at you when it is his son causing the problems? Is he embarrased or frustrated? Is it just that DH won't enforce house rules equally for all kids?

Re: A Smiling update [Re: Blair] #445403
04/14/21 03:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Blair
Why is your DH angry at you when it is his son causing the problems? Is he embarrased or frustrated? Is it just that DH won't enforce house rules equally for all kids?


There is only one kid here. He is mad at me...or he was last night....because he thinks, feels, maybe rightly so, that I just can’t shut up. But I have asked over and over for it to be dealt with. So what are my options?

Re: A Smiling update [Re: SmilingWife] #445404
04/14/21 11:41 AM
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SW sorry this is a source of strife between you two. You’d feel better if there was a date for him to move in with the friend. Or if he agreed to keep his room in your home tidy in the meantime.

B doesn’t let DD20 go to work, the gym, or see her friends before her room is tidy. I don’t like that either. I think it’s too strict. Just have a time of the week for it to be tidy. But it’s their home. She doesn’t live here with me because I don’t have a big home for parties. She just visits me here or I visit her at B’s. Sometimes to help tidy her room.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: A Smiling update [Re: SmilingWife] #445406
04/14/21 01:53 PM
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Originally Posted by SmilingWife
Originally Posted by Blair
Why is your DH angry at you when it is his son causing the problems? Is he embarrased or frustrated? Is it just that DH won't enforce house rules equally for all kids?


There is only one kid here. He is mad at me...or he was last night....because he thinks, feels, maybe rightly so, that I just can’t shut up. But I have asked over and over for it to be dealt with. So what are my options?
Best thing I can think of is to do that mirroring kind of therapy where you learn to talk to each other about your feelings in a safe way. It's clear he's embarrassed for his son, and then mad at himself, but he doesn't seem able to see that 'out loud.' Doing the mirroring talk might help him find his way to that point.

But I have to ask - does he have a point? Are you able to look at yourself honestly and ask yourself if there's a kernel of truth in what he says? In other words, do you have room to grow as well as him?

Re: A Smiling update [Re: SmilingWife] #445407
04/14/21 03:21 PM
04/14/21 03:21 PM
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Originally Posted by SmilingWife
There is only one kid here. He is mad at me...or he was last night....because he thinks, feels, maybe rightly so, that I just can’t shut up. But I have asked over and over for it to be dealt with. So what are my options?
Get divorced?

He is mad at you because the bond he has a parent/child is stronger than the bond he has as husband/wife. When you attack his kid, he feels you are attacking him.

Being a step-parent is a thankless job most of the time. It seems both you and your husband have struggled with being step-parents. I'm worried the resentment over kids will shift solely to your marriage after his kid finally moves out. It's been the routine in your family for so long, it will be hard to let go.

But what do I know?

Re: A Smiling update [Re: catperson] #445408
04/14/21 05:42 PM
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Originally Posted by catperson
Originally Posted by SmilingWife
Originally Posted by Blair
Why is your DH angry at you when it is his son causing the problems? Is he embarrased or frustrated? Is it just that DH won't enforce house rules equally for all kids?


There is only one kid here. He is mad at me...or he was last night....because he thinks, feels, maybe rightly so, that I just can’t shut up. But I have asked over and over for it to be dealt with. So what are my options?
Best thing I can think of is to do that mirroring kind of therapy where you learn to talk to each other about your feelings in a safe way. It's clear he's embarrassed for his son, and then mad at himself, but he doesn't seem able to see that 'out loud.' Doing the mirroring talk might help him find his way to that point.

But I have to ask - does he have a point? Are you able to look at yourself honestly and ask yourself if there's a kernel of truth in what he says? In other words, do you have room to grow as well as him?


Yes of course.
And I have identified in myself a tendency to focus on the messy dirty house and Dss20 not doing his share when there are other things upsetting he that I can’t control.
However, I am not sure it is solely a diversionary tactic my mind is using but more of a final straw.
Dh is the hardest working man I know. I have no complaints about the level of work he does in our home, yard, kitchen....I don’t want him working harder.... I want the 20 year old to do his part.

Re: A Smiling update [Re: Fergie] #445409
04/14/21 05:47 PM
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Originally Posted by Fergie
Originally Posted by SmilingWife
There is only one kid here. He is mad at me...or he was last night....because he thinks, feels, maybe rightly so, that I just can’t shut up. But I have asked over and over for it to be dealt with. So what are my options?
Get divorced?

He is mad at you because the bond he has a parent/child is stronger than the bond he has as husband/wife. When you attack his kid, he feels you are attacking him.

Being a step-parent is a thankless job most of the time. It seems both you and your husband have struggled with being step-parents. I'm worried the resentment over kids will shift solely to your marriage after his kid finally moves out. It's been the routine in your family for so long, it will be hard to let go.

But what do I know?


We aren’t getting a divorce. We don’t want a divorce. From what I hear from my friends this is common in intact families with young adults. The only real solution is for these kids to move out and start their own life. And it needs to happen without anger and resentment . Dhs sister told me by the time her step son moved out she hated him. She specifically said do not let it get to that point.

Re: A Smiling update [Re: SmilingWife] #445414
04/15/21 12:45 PM
04/15/21 12:45 PM
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How can you be supportive and step back? I understand some basic rules for safety a d sanitation. I mean, you obviously don't want rodents or wild animals in the house or gross conditions. So you and your DH must set ground rules together for what is acceptable in your home. Because you own it together and you should be a team.

Then, DH needs to be the one enforcing the rules with his son. I mentioned "kids" even though your DS and the older DSS doesn't live there because I was asking about past history. Was there different expectations for any of the kids when all of you lived there?

I think DH doesn't want to damage his relationship with DSS any more than it has already been damaged. It was a lot of effort to get DSS to live with you. What can you do to support both of them in their relationship? To be more of the glue that holds them together. I think DH sees that DSS will eventually leave, and he will miss the days he was with you. They both need better days as the end of being there and leaving the nest looms.

Have you told your DH howmuch you appreciate him? He needs to hear it more often. Ask him what you can do to help. He needs to know you are backing him up and that you support him in his decision.

Re: A Smiling update [Re: SmilingWife] #445415
04/15/21 02:20 PM
04/15/21 02:20 PM
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Originally Posted by SmilingWife
We aren’t getting a divorce. We don’t want a divorce. From what I hear from my friends this is common in intact families with young adults. The only real solution is for these kids to move out and start their own life. And it needs to happen without anger and resentment . Dhs sister told me by the time her step son moved out she hated him. She specifically said do not let it get to that point.

My obese xW is lazy. In fact, I'll take the Pepsi Challenge against anyone's lazy teenager, because I'll win.

Maybe you should take some of the advice the women on the board gave me. If the mess bothers you so much, maybe you should hire a cleaning service to come in and take care of it?

I grew up on a family farm. Being lazy wasn't an option. My brother and I were doing adult work at 8 & 9 years old (even when we were so small we had to work together with the heavy stuff).

My mother had no reason to ride us about being lazy. Somehow it still didn't stop her from being a complete nag. I guess some women can't help themselves.

It did help get me out of the house, because I didn't want to spend one second longer living with her than I absolutely had to.

Re: A Smiling update [Re: SmilingWife] #445416
04/15/21 04:35 PM
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Fergie sounds like you had two women in your life that you did not like much.

Last edited by SmilingWife; 04/15/21 04:35 PM.
Re: A Smiling update [Re: Blair] #445417
04/15/21 05:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Blair
How can you be supportive and step back? I understand some basic rules for safety a d sanitation. I mean, you obviously don't want rodents or wild animals in the house or gross conditions. So you and your DH must set ground rules together for what is acceptable in your home. Because you own it together and you should be a team.

Then, DH needs to be the one enforcing the rules with his son. I mentioned "kids" even though your DS and the older DSS doesn't live there because I was asking about past history. Was there different expectations for any of the kids when all of you lived there?

I think DH doesn't want to damage his relationship with DSS any more than it has already been damaged. It was a lot of effort to get DSS to live with you. What can you do to support both of them in their relationship? To be more of the glue that holds them together. I think DH sees that DSS will eventually leave, and he will miss the days he was with you. They both need better days as the end of being there and leaving the nest looms.

Have you told your DH howmuch you appreciate him? He needs to hear it more often. Ask him what you can do to help. He needs to know you are backing him up and that you support him in his decision.


The expectations were the same when ds21 was at home.

I get conflicting advise about who should be the one to say something. Some of my friends think since I am the one mostly bothered by it, that I should talk to dss20. And I say plenty. But I haven’t had a full on talk with him about how I don’t think he does his share and also that he needs to be paying some rent.

And I could probably do better lately about tell Dh how much I appreciate him. Honestly it gets overshadowed by my frustration with how he handles dss20.

Re: A Smiling update [Re: SmilingWife] #445418
04/15/21 09:10 PM
04/15/21 09:10 PM
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Originally Posted by SmilingWife
Fergie sounds like you had two women in your life that you did not like much.

Who said anything about liking them?

My mom is control freak. And perennially angry. My sister won't speak to her anymore and is done with her. A lot of women are like her. From the sounds of it Lady Grey's mom was pretty similar.

And it is an objective fact that my xW's BMI is obese and she actually stated she didn't think she should have to help clean the house (or do dishes or cook). Ever.

And the solution given me (by women) was hire a cleaning service.

I just wonder why is it somehow different in this case, except it was a grown adult woman vs a kid who is barely out his teens? You hired help to rake the leaves, so it isn't something you absolutely won't do.

Unless it isn't about the leaves or the rent or the dishes. It's that you just plain don't like this kid.

Originally Posted by SmilingWife
The only real solution is for these kids to move out and start their own life. And it needs to happen without anger and resentment . Dhs sister told me by the time her step son moved out she hated him. She specifically said do not let it get to that point.

It sounds like you are already there.

My wife loves her daughter more than breathing oxygen. But when she was 19 she couldn't live with her anymore. She wondered how I handled it so well and I said I was married to a selfish entitled teenager for 10 years. This was nothing.

(BTW after my DSD21 was living on her own she got a lot more adult. Now my wife wants her to move back home permanently.)

Re: A Smiling update [Re: Fergie] #445419
04/15/21 09:38 PM
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Originally Posted by Fergie
Originally Posted by SmilingWife
Fergie sounds like you had two women in your life that you did not like much.

Who said anything about liking them?

My mom is control freak. And perennially angry. My sister won't speak to her anymore and is done with her. A lot of women are like her. From the sounds of it Lady Grey's mom was pretty similar.

And it is an objective fact that my xW's BMI is obese and she actually stated she didn't think she should have to help clean the house (or do dishes or cook). Ever.

And the solution given me (by women) was hire a cleaning service.

I just wonder why is it somehow different in this case, except it was a grown adult woman vs a kid who is barely out his teens? You hired help to rake the leaves, so it isn't something you absolutely won't do.

Unless it isn't about the leaves or the rent or the dishes. It's that you just plain don't like this kid.

Originally Posted by SmilingWife
The only real solution is for these kids to move out and start their own life. And it needs to happen without anger and resentment . Dhs sister told me by the time her step son moved out she hated him. She specifically said do not let it get to that point.

It sounds like you are already there.

My wife loves her daughter more than breathing oxygen. But when she was 19 she couldn't live with her anymore. She wondered how I handled it so well and I said I was married to a selfish entitled teenager for 10 years. This was nothing.

(BTW after my DSD21 was living on her own she got a lot more adult. Now my wife wants her to move back home permanently.)



I seriously doubt I was one who suggested a cleaning service to solve the problem of a wife who would not do anything.

However a wife is different than an adult child who hopefully has the goal of self sufficiency.

I don’t dislike him. And I want to continue that. So he dies need to do his share or get his own place.

Re: A Smiling update [Re: SmilingWife] #445420
04/19/21 02:39 PM
04/19/21 02:39 PM
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Originally Posted by SmilingWife
However a wife is different than an adult child who hopefully has the goal of self sufficiency.

Not really.

Originally Posted by SmilingWife
So he does need to do his share or get his own place.

Funny, that was ultimately the solution to my xW problem too. It was an option I hadn't considered, but one that worked out very well.

Because ultimately we were not compatible in more ways than just domestic duties. And while this kid isn't your husband, it isn't really about him doing chores. It is about the incompatibility between you and your husband's parenting styles. And you have struggled with it for a long time. It certainly is a reason to either not marry or divorce a partner over.

Re: A Smiling update [Re: Fergie] #445423
04/20/21 10:37 PM
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Originally Posted by Fergie
Originally Posted by SmilingWife
However a wife is different than an adult child who hopefully has the goal of self sufficiency.

Not really.

Originally Posted by SmilingWife
So he does need to do his share or get his own place.

Funny, that was ultimately the solution to my xW problem too. It was an option I hadn't considered, but one that worked out very well.

Because ultimately we were not compatible in more ways than just domestic duties. And while this kid isn't your husband, it isn't really about him doing chores. It is about the incompatibility between you and your husband's parenting styles. And you have struggled with it for a long time. It certainly is a reason to either not marry or divorce a partner over.


You are so negative. I disagree completely that it is not about what chores he does. He is a good kid, with a lot of good qualities. And our goal is to get him launched at which point it won’t matter how messy he is. In the meantime I have some really frustrating days and I come here to vent to my friends a little. Don’t really want to be told to get a divorce. My Dh may baby this young adult more than agree with, but it is not a terminal difference of opinion.

Re: A Smiling update [Re: SmilingWife] #445424
04/21/21 02:51 PM
04/21/21 02:51 PM
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Originally Posted by SmilingWife
My Dh may baby this young adult more than agree with, but it is not a terminal difference of opinion.
So, it's not really a big deal.
Originally Posted by SmilingWife
I get conflicting advise about who should be the one to say something. Some of my friends think since I am the one mostly bothered by it, that I should talk to dss20. And I say plenty.
Except you complain about your husband's parenting to apparently a lot of people IRL.
Originally Posted by SmilingWife
In the meantime I have some really frustrating days and I come here to vent to my friends a little.
And here.
Originally Posted by SmilingWife
You are so negative.
And I'm the negative one?

Re: A Smiling update [Re: Fergie] #445425
04/21/21 03:41 PM
04/21/21 03:41 PM
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 10,121
S
SmilingWife Offline OP
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SmilingWife  Offline OP
Global Moderator
S
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 10,121
Originally Posted by Fergie
Originally Posted by SmilingWife
My Dh may baby this young adult more than agree with, but it is not a terminal difference of opinion.
So, it's not really a big deal.
Originally Posted by SmilingWife
I get conflicting advise about who should be the one to say something. Some of my friends think since I am the one mostly bothered by it, that I should talk to dss20. And I say plenty.
Except you complain about your husband's parenting to apparently a lot of people IRL.
Originally Posted by SmilingWife
In the meantime I have some really frustrating days and I come here to vent to my friends a little.
And here.
Originally Posted by SmilingWife
You are so negative.
And I'm the negative one?


You are. About marriage. You too easily think divorce is the answer.

And no I do not complain about my husband a lot IRL. I do have a couple of good friends that I confide in. None of them suggest divorce as a solution.

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