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Re: A Smiling update [Re: SmilingWife] #445426
04/22/21 02:33 AM
04/22/21 02:33 AM
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Blair Offline
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Vent away, SW. We're here to help in any way we can. Hugs. smile

Re: A Smiling update [Re: SmilingWife] #445427
04/23/21 03:56 PM
04/23/21 03:56 PM
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Fergie Offline
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Originally Posted by SmilingWife
You are. About marriage. You too easily think divorce is the answer.

And no I do not complain about my husband a lot IRL. I do have a couple of good friends that I confide in. None of them suggest divorce as a solution.
My wife would disagree with you. We have a fantastic marriage.

I'm just pointing out the fundamental problem with this place. It has become a sewing circle to complain about spouses. A digital stitch-n-[Bleep!].

There is only one solution to your problem. Talk to your husband. It's his kid. It's his parent-child bond. You are merely the step-parent. It's not your place.

But that's not really what is at play here...

[Linked Image]

Re: A Smiling update [Re: Fergie] #445428
04/24/21 12:46 AM
04/24/21 12:46 AM
Joined: Feb 2012
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SmilingWife Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Fergie
Originally Posted by SmilingWife
You are. About marriage. You too easily think divorce is the answer.

And no I do not complain about my husband a lot IRL. I do have a couple of good friends that I confide in. None of them suggest divorce as a solution.
My wife would disagree with you. We have a fantastic marriage.

I'm just pointing out the fundamental problem with this place. It has become a sewing circle to complain about spouses. A digital stitch-n-[Bleep!].

There is only one solution to your problem. Talk to your husband. It's his kid. It's his parent-child bond. You are merely the step-parent. It's not your place.

But that's not really what is at play here...

[Linked Image]



While there is some truth and humor to that I do come here to get a little sympathy and a little smack.

Re: A Smiling update [Re: SmilingWife] #445435
04/25/21 05:13 AM
04/25/21 05:13 AM
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Fergie Offline
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Originally Posted by SmilingWife
While there is some truth and humor to that I do come here to get a little sympathy and a little smack.
Do you want a little smack?

It's midnight right now and I just made out my 21yo step-daughters bed because my wife sleepily stumbled out of bed and told me she was coming home for some reason. I didn't even ask. I don't care.

I just made up her bed the way she likes it.

I'd take a bullet for her.

Last edited by Fergie; 04/25/21 05:17 AM.
Re: A Smiling update [Re: SmilingWife] #445438
04/25/21 12:42 PM
04/25/21 12:42 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
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star*fish Offline
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SW,

I've helped several families with adult children to negotiate and put together a contract to remove the need to argue about the same things over and over. In this case--I think both you and DS hav a similar end goal. At his age---I doubt seriously that he wants to live with you anymore than you want to live on a battleground. Have you ever seen a contract for parents and adult children? Since both of you have basically the same goal---this is very doable. The contract would have built in consequences for breaking it---in your case---if he does the things he commits to--you help him (financially, logistically etc) to move out. If he doesn't--then he agrees to move out without help. Either way---the goal is to launch. If he's willing to help you around the house--the help he would receive could be substantial. You'll have to get DH on board, but I've seen this work really well. I'll see if I can find some similar contracts online.

I just looked and there are tons of them. Just search for "contracts for adult children living at home".

*

Last edited by star*fish; 04/25/21 12:42 PM.

"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: A Smiling update [Re: SmilingWife] #445439
04/25/21 12:54 PM
04/25/21 12:54 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
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star*fish Offline
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I just read some of the contracts--and to me, they are missing something. They seem really one-sided and more like an ultimatum. A negotiation is not a negotiation unless both sides feel as though they are getting something they want. I would suggest that for your part--you could offer him more of a conflict free environment since the contract would spell out the boundaries clearly. Figure out what everyone wants. Figure out how all of you can work towards those things. Putting a name on a contract has a more binding effect.


"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: A Smiling update [Re: star*fish] #445459
05/02/21 04:03 PM
05/02/21 04:03 PM
Joined: Feb 2012
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SmilingWife Offline OP
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Originally Posted by star*fish
I just read some of the contracts--and to me, they are missing something. They seem really one-sided and more like an ultimatum. A negotiation is not a negotiation unless both sides feel as though they are getting something they want. I would suggest that for your part--you could offer him more of a conflict free environment since the contract would spell out the boundaries clearly. Figure out what everyone wants. Figure out how all of you can work towards those things. Putting a name on a contract has a more binding effect.


Thanks Star. I looked over some of those and I wish we had done that when he graduated hs 2 years ago. Seems harder now,

In good news Dh told him about 3 weeks ago he has to start paying rent as of May 1. Per my MILs suggestion Dh asked ds what he thought would be fair amount. Ds refused to say. So yesterday Dh said well it is May 1st and your rent is $400. I think ds was shocked but did not react too much.

I can’t tell you how excited I am by this. I feel such a relief and lifting of the resentment. It is really weird.

Re: A Smiling update [Re: SmilingWife] #445462
05/03/21 11:53 AM
05/03/21 11:53 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
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star*fish Offline
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I don't think it's weird. My last child just left home a few months ago--but he couldn't wait to leave LOL. I guess we're pretty boring.

I really like how your DH stepped up and took charge. What is the consequence for not paying rent? Is it enforceable? Does he understand? It would be a good idea to draw up a real rental agreement.


"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: A Smiling update [Re: star*fish] #445463
05/03/21 03:47 PM
05/03/21 03:47 PM
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SmilingWife Offline OP
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Originally Posted by star*fish
I don't think it's weird. My last child just left home a few months ago--but he couldn't wait to leave LOL. I guess we're pretty boring.

I really like how your DH stepped up and took charge. What is the consequence for not paying rent? Is it enforceable? Does he understand? It would be a good idea to draw up a real rental agreement.


Well I honestly do not foresee a problem. He has been paying me for his phone/health ins/car ins for a year. My name is still in his accounts so the first of every month I say, hey I am going to transfer money for your bills.

I would like for him to more directly pay his stuff. But seems silly for him to withdraw cash and give to me and then I have to him deposit it.

Re: A Smiling update [Re: SmilingWife] #445464
05/04/21 12:23 AM
05/04/21 12:23 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
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Blair Offline
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How can you help him take more independence in his bill paying process? Or do you want to give him a few months of rent payments and then transition him to paying all on his own? It's really nice having a mom to lean on for support and follow through. (Moms and stepMoms are our number one cheerleaders.)

Re: A Smiling update [Re: Blair] #445766
06/26/21 07:05 PM
06/26/21 07:05 PM
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SmilingWife Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Blair
How can you help him take more independence in his bill paying process? Or do you want to give him a few months of rent payments and then transition him to paying all on his own? It's really nice having a mom to lean on for support and follow through. (Moms and stepMoms are our number one cheerleaders.)


I think I need to order him some checks and teach him how to write checks. I know so few young people use checks but honestly I think there is still a need to have some on hand and learn how to use them. So paying me by check could be his way to learn how to do this.

Re: A Smiling update [Re: SmilingWife] #445767
06/26/21 07:07 PM
06/26/21 07:07 PM
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 10,121
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SmilingWife Offline OP
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So did I tell y'all my dad died? My bio dad......the one who denied me my entire life up until my sister took a stand for me and even then it was very guarded. When I would go there for a visit he would visit my sister while I was there....but it isn't like he ever reached out to me in any way.

It has been a weird deal.

Re: A Smiling update [Re: SmilingWife] #445769
06/27/21 05:05 AM
06/27/21 05:05 AM
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Blair Offline
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That sounds difficult to say the least. It's hard losing a parent, especially whey they have always ignored your reality.

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