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Loving Detachment in Action #273355
01/09/13 08:30 PM
01/09/13 08:30 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

Member
Lil  Offline OP

Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Quote:
"Dday 1 - he told me he was in love with a "friend" they would share a smoke during breaks but he didn't want to lose our marriage. Promised to break off all contact. Our marriage seemed to thrive as he supported me through the mess. 1 month later I discovered not only were they still seeing each other - but it was worse than he had said - seeing each other daily outside of work and when he initially tried to break it off, she suddenly began to return his romantic feelings and started bashing me worse than ever (amazing how you can find deleted texts on an iPhone!). We were 12 hours away from home when I found the texts and we were returning from vacation the next morning. I had hours to mull through this. By the time we got home - I was calm - even optimistic. I took him downstairs away from the kids and calmly told him that I loved him - I knew he loved me and maybe this will give us a fighting chance to become good parents while divorcing. I gave him 2 weeks to find a place and offered to help with first and last months rent. I held him while he cried and assured him that I was scared too but we'd survive on our own. I didn't shed a single tear. He initiated no contact the next day - I told him not to - that he shouldn't burn his bridges with her since that's all he had left. He started checking in - I told him it didn't matter - he accused me of letting "her" win - I told him no - he already did that - I was letting him win. I was calm and kind during this period (with him - I bawled my eyes out by myself) finally he asked me for 1 more chance...I didn't say yes - I said he could try and change my mind but I couldn't make any promises. Well here we are 5 months later and the nc held fast and we're in mc and reconciliation. I wish I had done this the first time - but I didn't know the full extent of the EA...I truly believe that without my actions - he'd still be with her behind my back. And I wasn't lying - I was truly prepared to move on. He later said, what did it for him - was how calm, calculating and rational I was. Your WH needs to see there are real consequences for his choices. Good luck...I hope he chooses well!"

Here


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Loving Detachment in Action [Re: Lil] #281864
02/24/13 05:43 AM
02/24/13 05:43 AM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 352
Rubby Offline
Member
Rubby  Offline
Member
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 352
Oh my! This is exactly what I needed to hear/read right now. Perfect timing! Thanks!!!

After 4 months of pain and anguish hoping that my H would leave the OW (lying to me all along that there was nothing going on; how stupid was I eek ) - I have finally told H last night that he needed to leave. For some reason, after all this time of being totally paralysed and unable to detach and let go - suddenly last night I got the strength and a glimpse of common sense to say "enough is enough". Last night I was still emotional and hurt, but this morning brought a sense of clarity, purpose, and calm. I suddenly knew what needed to be done and that it was about time I started thinking of me and taking care of me. H started looking for apartments today so hopefully he'll move out in a week or so. I must say, I feel better already. smile

Last edited by Rubby; 02/24/13 05:44 AM.



"LOVE is not a THING to be given, it's an ACTION to be taken!" by: Miranda
Re: Loving Detachment in Action [Re: Rubby] #281888
02/24/13 03:54 PM
02/24/13 03:54 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
B
believer Offline
Member
believer  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 20,616
Welcome Rubby, and glad you've found us.

I'm a big fan of "enough is enough", not because I personally did that, but because I was too scared. Instead I wallowed in Limboland for several years.

Good for you for being strong! Being willing to move on to a good life without a cheater is the first step. Sometimes it wakes them up, and sometimes it doesn't. But you have chosen the right path.


"I feel sad that I focused so much on his potential and so little on mine."
Re: Loving Detachment in Action [Re: believer] #289920
04/08/13 01:47 AM
04/08/13 01:47 AM
Joined: Apr 2013
Posts: 52
Princefan86 Offline
Member
Princefan86  Offline
Member
Joined: Apr 2013
Posts: 52
Great example!


Married 24 years in May
2 children in their 20's
D-day 1/2012 S day 1 - 3/24/2012
S day 2 - 3/10/2013

______________________________________________________
You can't make order out of chaos.
If someone shows you who they are believe them. Maya Angelou
Re: Loving Detachment in Action [Re: Lil] #445519
05/20/21 07:15 AM
05/20/21 07:15 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

Member
Lil  Offline OP

Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Bump


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse



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