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An Explaination of Ark^^ "Just Be Still" #240234
06/15/12 08:47 PM
06/15/12 08:47 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,569
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

Member
Lil  Offline OP

Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,569
New Zealand
I found this little gem by Star*fish, and am reposting with permission smile

Originally Posted By: star*fish
I actually love that post of ark's. The people I send to read it are newly betrayed spouses who are in a panic. Many betrayed spouses go through a kind of "manic" phase where they are trying everything all at once....hoping that one of them will make a difference. They are all over the place, acting irratically and inconsistently. One minute they are in Plan A and the next they're filing for divorce. "Be still" is the right message for that stage of betrayal. It's about "acting" instead of "reacting". The opposite of "be still" during a panic attack....is "thrashing about aimlessly in fear". It's about all the things other people said about being grounded and rational. Righteous anger and indignation are okay, but rage and chaos isn't.

When you go too fast on a merry-go-round, it's putting a foot down and getting "grounded" so the spinning stops.

But you're right medc, once folks get past the chaos and confusion of the early betrayal...."be still"....can be interpreted as "be quiet" or be meek....and in the context of this thread the opposite of "be still" is "you don't have to take it anymore".


here

The 'Be Still' post

Originally Posted By: Ark^^
Some of the most painful posts to read here ....is the confusion and turmoil of betrayed spouses....

those post D-day days weeks and sadly months in which so many things are left unanswered, unaddressed and emtpy...

be still.....

In our turmoil and chaos and the gnawing need to fix and address.....bs bring into their hearts more pain and crisis....

be still...

There was once a saying I read somewhere that went something like to really ever understand someone else we must crawl inside of them and feel the gentle beat of their heart....

easier probably for a BS to move a mountain than to grasp and work from that realm....

but be still...
each moment of stillness you can buy grab or gobble is a moment in which you are free from the pain and free from the fear..

fear of doing the wrong thing
fear of saying the wrong thing...

the goal is not marriage rebuilding at any cost...
the goal is guiding yourself to a place of stillness...no matter the outcome....

the anatomy of a WS is that they changed and molded their own thought processes so that they could engage in a affair....

they did this....
they did this....over time and in a way in which they can barely see the reality of this...but they did do it...

be still

it takes time.....

too many posts are from BS with unrealistic EXPECTATIONS which will harm you...

it is unrealistic to think that the thought processes needed to engage in such vile actions....vanishes over night

working through affair issues takes time...gobs and gobs of it...
and if you find yourself standing in a place of demanding change and specified responses, introspection, apologies, and instant change...

be still

for you are causing more grief that you need to burdon....

they did this...and they must undo this...

will they?
the truth is we don't know..
but to ever be a whole person again they darn well better...otherwise they carry their chaos on and on..and in the end no BS needs to burdon that.....

WS, though hard to see when they have used you as a weapon are very very damaged inside.....

they can not face that damage...and since that damage is YOU the BS...they often can not face you..

so they continue to waffle and wallow in the path that brought them to this place...

the way of rationalizing and justifying downright no two ways about it dispicable behavior acts....

force them to the face and process at once..
they will withdrawal
they will deny
they will retaliate

or even worse they will self destruct themselves....

be still....

don't force responses and actions and answers...be still and know that their non-responses , non actions and non answers ARE their answers....and you can hold them accountable to that

be still
and then make your moves....

ARK^^


Another post by Ark^^...

Quote:
I posted this to lostwithouther a short while back..

I liked this post...
I still pray now more than ever he can become the lighthouse....

I hope some others find comfort from the storm...


Your spouse is in huge conflict....

the good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...

the competition we believe that exist with the OP is a shallow empty reflection of Gods light in this world...

It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush

their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong...they do not like what they are doing...

their actions towards you, the children, the OP, and themselves...keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions...with real depth and truth

all they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life...
yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down regardless of whom is next to them....

they are the living cliche..of no matter where you go to hide...there YOU are...

he or she is lost to themselves...

and you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home....even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that...

You become the lighthouse..you fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary...

see just visualize yourself as a lighthouse...

Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get...
you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way....

they are untrustable right now...
but you know that...so they can't hurt you right now...they will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better...

you show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions.....
set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives....
without lovebusting...
offer alternatives that let them see the children...but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them...
you fill the childrens lives with stability....they deserve it and need it more than anything else....

Do not discuss and or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements...seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly....

your spouse is very lonely and sad right now..but that is OK...no one can stay very long in that chaos...it is wearisome to the soul...
and remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos...and eventually they will see that you are the only one...who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most...


be the lighthouse....
OK that's really out there I know....

strength to you all..
ARK


be still

Quote:
Be Still Revisited

The following is repost of an old old post....

with the following disclaimer...

be still does NOT and never has meant dont work on plan a plan b and or plan divorce if that is where you are or should be...
I am a huge advocate of having a plan

be still has not ever now nor never mean stay in any type of abuse....

I for one have only ever consistantly advocated getting out of any and all types of abuse with a well thought out safety plan..both "here" and in the real world....

this whole plan was born from reading post after post after after post from BS

asking

why did he/she say this or that
why did he/she do this or that
why why why
blah blah blah...

who knows why....

but I can assure you that
agonizing
ruminating
spinning it around and around in your head
thinking and examining every tiny thing they do....
driving yourself crazy staying only focused on the WS
not eating
not sleeping
imagining what the WS is doing every second of the day

is daunting and wastes energy needed for the BS to stay focused and on the path to healing....


It also about the fact that so many expect the WS to be instantly sorry on D-day
instantly insightful to their actions of destuctions
instantly disgusted by the thought of seeing or talking to the OP...

all instantly vanishing from the WS...all the wall of rationalization needed to have an affair..gone..

doesn't usually quite work that way.....even though the BS is shocked by that

that's what be still post has always been about....


so if you want to bump the be still post...
bump this one....

the original post stands on its own in my opinion..
from the moment it was written it clearly states that it is not about saving every marriage...

says nothing about staying in any type of abuse...

and is not ever about not working on a plan..

it is about the calming the thoughts swirling in your brain that distract your focus and hurt you....

thank you for your attention to this ridiculousness




Some of the most painful posts to read here ....is the confusion and turmoil of betrayed spouses....

those post D-day days weeks and sadly months in which so many things are left unanswered, unaddressed and emtpy...

be still.....

In our turmoil and chaos and the gnawing need to fix and address.....bs bring into their hearts more pain and crisis....

be still...

There was once a saying I read somewhere that went something like to really ever understand someone else we must crawl inside of them and feel the gentle beat of their heart....

easier probably for a BS to move a mountain than to grasp and work from that realm....

but be still...
each moment of stillness you can buy grab or gobble is a moment in which you are free from the pain and free from the fear..

fear of doing the wrong thing
fear of saying the wrong thing...

the goal is not marriage rebuilding at any cost...
the goal is guiding yourself to a place of stillness...no matter the outcome....

the anatomy of a WS is that they changed and molded their own thought processes so that they could engage in a affair....

they did this....
they did this....over time and in a way in which they can barely see the reality of this...but they did do it...

be still

it takes time.....

too many posts are from BS with unrealistic EXPECTATIONS which will harm you...

it is unrealistic to think that the thought processes needed to engage in such vile actions....vanishes over night

working through affair issues takes time...gobs and gobs of it...
and if you find yourself standing in a place of demanding change and specified responses, introspection, apologies, and instant change...

be still

for you are causing more grief that you need to burdon....

they did this...and they must undo this...

will they?
the truth is we don't know..
but to ever be a whole person again they darn well better...otherwise they carry their chaos on and on..and in the end no BS needs to burdon that.....

WS, though hard to see when they have used you as a weapon are very very damaged inside.....

they can not face that damage...and since that damage is YOU the BS...they often can not face you..

so they continue to waffle and wallow in the path that brought them to this place...

the way of rationalizing and justifying downright no two ways about it dispicable behavior acts....

force them to the face and process at once..
they will withdrawal
they will deny
they will retaliate

or even worse they will self destruct themselves....

be still....

don't force responses and actions and answers...be still and know that their non-responses , non actions and non answers ARE their answers....and you can hold them accountable to that

be still
and then make your moves....

ARK^^


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: An Explaination of Ark^^ "Just Be Still" [Re: Lil] #312386
08/31/13 10:29 PM
08/31/13 10:29 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,286
PEEKSKILL NY
Rich57 Offline
Advocate
Rich57  Offline
Advocate
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,286
PEEKSKILL NY
Thanks for pointing this out to me.

I really like this post and I guess
Star*fish's point can be summed up by what Ark^^ wrote at the end of the post.

Originally Posted By: ARK^^
be still
and then make your moves....


She really had some good stuff.

Last edited by Rich57; 08/31/13 10:30 PM. Reason: Star*fish's name
Re: An Explaination of Ark^^ "Just Be Still" [Re: Lil] #445521
05/20/21 07:17 AM
05/20/21 07:17 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,569
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

Member
Lil  Offline OP

Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,569
New Zealand
Bump


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse



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