I am married to Flick
We meet when he was the midnight to dawn DJ on a local radio station. I was his 'groupie' LOL. We had issues while dating, most relating to his AO's and my biting my tongue and not being honest with how I felt. We separated and I dated someone else, Flick did a type of plan A on me and we got engaged, and then married. We had a daughter who is mildly disabled and Flick became stepfather to my older DD. People made comments all thru our M about how we were such good friends and how they envied us, and for the most part we were. We didn't fight, we had fun.
We moved around the country alot for work. Flick often changed jobs because his AO's would annoy people to the point they made his work environment unpleasant. He also got tired of the various career paths he chose.
Because of the younger DD's disability we decided to move to the country where the schools are generally better and have a lower teacher-student ratio. Flick started dairy farming and I started a course in it so as to understand what he was talking about. Eventually he was made a manager of a 900 cow farm and I got a degree in agribusiness. Unfortunately, just as we were settling down, the area we lived in was hit with 2 natural disasters in a row, and the farm needed to restructure so we were off again.
We moved to a region I had literally PRAYED we wouldn't need to go to and started Sharemilking together, meaning for the first time ever, we were with each other 24/7. I hated it. I felt I was doing the majority of the farm duties, as well as the primary housework and child care duties, and I couldn't get away from him and his bad moods. We were making excellent $$$ and Flick who is a spender started spending it on toys for himself, such as a kite buggy, SCUBA gear, dirt buggy, etc. Our M took its biggest hit the day he came home with a custom Mini he had bought and had customised. He had known of it for a couple of months and the first I knew was when it was in the driveway. I nearly walked out, and it was only because I started researching divorce on the internet that stopped me going, as I read some studies about the long term happiness of divorced people.
Even tho I had decided to stay married, I was struggling to love him. I have depression which can get severe and I remember standing on the edge of a cliff at the back of the farm contemplating jumping. It was actually thinking of my YDD which stopped me, as I felt that no one else would care for her the way she needed. I also couldn't bring myself to kiss Flick, or show affection, although I was very polite and friendly. About this time he announced he was throwing in dairy and going to be a full time fireman.
I couldn't believe it. We were going to be moved - again. We were going to experience financial insecurity - again. We had to drop our lives, such as they were for him - again. Shoot, I had got a degree just because I needed it to get male farmers to take me seriously, but it was going to be worthless. I was furious.
My tutor happened to ring and told me about a sole charge Sharemilking job closer to a main town and encouraged me to apply when I told her Flicks new plan. Since he would need to go back to school the idea was I could work and care for the girls while he got certified. He liked the idea, so I applied and got the position. Shortly after moving there, we discovered he had not made it thru the induction process and wouldn't be allowed to re-apply for 18 month. We decided he would be my house husband, which he was. For about 3 months.
He got bored and took on a low ranking position on a neighbouring farm, but he disliked being the 'boy' where as before he was the boss. I on the other hand was happy. I had a great job, and a great boss. I was making good money, I was well respected in the community because that degree I got had won me a place in a well known, exclusive dairy contest. The prize was a 10 day tour of Australian dairy farms. I was over the moon. 10 days holiday without Flick, wonderful!
The 10 days I was away, the group I was with and I were treated like visiting royalty. Flick text me everyday but I rarely responded. I came home with an attitude. I was better than him. I didn't need him. He was a hinderence to me and I started thinking again about the big D, but not seriously as I still liked him well enough.
He went to Promise Keepers and came home and confessed a long standing internet porn addiction. I honestly just didn't care that much. A bit disappointed, but nothing major.He installed an accountability programme in the computer that sent me a record of the websites he had been to, and as far as I could tell, he behaved. He also announced he needed a better job. I ENCOURAGED him to apply at a chain store I had worked another branch in, because of the possibility for promotion (I had moved up the ranks very quickly - they reward hard workers) and suitable work hours.
Bad mistake. Big bad mistake.
He started working at the RS (company) stacking shelves in the evenings, in October 2007. He seemed to like it, the hours were good and he was getting on with his workmates. The company hired additional casual staff late Nov for the increased sales during the Christmas period. Flick joined a social networking site to have more interaction with work people, and changed cell companies to the one all the work mates were using as they were "texting each other instead of having to walk the whole shop to just ask stocking questions" He mentioned to me one day that he had been assigned to the lingeries dept, and that the girl (PQ) who worked there (a recently hired casual) commented on how he didn't get hung up about touch womens underwear. He told her he had 3 sisters. She seemed admiring of his non squeamishness.
I began to notice I was hearing about 2 female workmates alot - PQ and FC. There was mention of others, male and female, but these 2 were fairly constant. I thought it was nice he had friends. He was getting dozens of texts a day at home, and he was invited out to 'staff only' get togethers. They did a secret santa and he bought gifts for two people, his secret person and PQ because she had been getting anxious about having no gift under the tree. About this time he mentioned he had removed the accountability programme as well as a key logger we had installed to see what DD16 was doing because "they haven't shown anything concerning in all this time and they slow the computer down".
Just after Christmas Flick, YDD and FIL#4 went to a scout jamboree in the south island. While they were away it occurred to me one night that Flick hadn't been very interested in SF or Af and hadn't spent much time with me in the last couple of weeks. I sent him a suggestive text and he responded in kind and I remember thinking "ok, its was nothing, I was imagining a problem"
He came back from the jamboree with a massive attitude. He was dissatisfied with life and every thing in it. I asked him once if that included the girls and I, he said Yes. I had no idea how to respond so said nothing. He said I had 'taken that well'. He got angry frequently, and was often mean to the girls and I. I told him once he was breaking my heart, he replied "that cold shrivelled up thing"
I would walk into the computer room and he would shut down the page. He would be on MSN for hours, he was getting more and more texts, he showered all the time, started wearing perfume, threw away his farming clothes, said he wanted to be a metrosexual, made his social networking page private and refused to allow family to friend him - in fact he opened another account just for family to be friends on. His shifts at work were getting longer and longer and he was out all day, every day.
By his birthday, late Feb, I strongly suspected an A. We went out for his birthday dinner and I told him I wasnt wearing underwear. He shot me a look of disgust. This from an H who used to follow me into the shower to watch, who had once put his hands up my top several times a day, and with whom I once had SF 4-5 times a week. NOw SF was 2-3 monthly, and he didnt come near me for anything else. He wriggled and muttered the whole way thru the dinner and we left the second we finished.
I talked to my BFF, I talked to my boss. Both urged caution because a false accusation could be disastrous. I googled 'signs of an affair' and saw enough to concern but not enough to confront.
My ODD turned 16 and Flick got sick. Constant coldsores and a low grade fever, head ache and sore throat he couldn't shake off. This did not improve his temper. I tried snooping on the computer but couldn't understand what I was seeing. I was also hindered by a lack of computer knowledge.
March 8th, he had a better than normal day and was even almost friendly. He came in from working outside in the cold and slid his hand up my top. I was so relieved and thought that whatever it was, it was over. When I leaned back on him tho', he jumped away and said he had only done it to hear me squeal about his cold hands. Still it was a step forward I thought, and later that day was happy when he asked me to go out with him to do some errands. We came home and opened a bottle of wine and I cooked tea while he was on the computer. I went into the room to talk to him and he minimised the screen. While we were talking there was a sharp buzzing sound. He said it was someone trying to get his attention. I said he could respond to them, I would wait. He said they could wait. More buzzing emanated and he asked me to get him another drink. I said since he had been sick, he should give drinking amiss. More buzzing and I said "someone REALLY wants to get your attention" He said "Stuff Them" and just shut down the computer and walked into the kitchen, and into the pantry.
I thought "I have got to just ask it, I cant stand the madness"
"Flick, are you having an affair"
He tensed up, didn't reply. Grabbed a packet of biscuits, took one out and began nibbling the edges. Taking the packet, he walked into the lounge and sat down.
Lil:"Flick are you having an affair with either PQ or FC"
Flick: "Eww FC, is fat and ugly and *racial comment*"
L: "So your having an affair with PQ?"
He sat there nibbling and with this look on his face like a kid who has put something nasty in his sisters bed and is watching her get into it.
L: "Flick, can you tell me you are NOT having an affair"
Nibble, nibble on the d@mn biscuit.
I was starting to tear up so I began to walk out of the room. As I got to the door I heard him say
"I can't tell you I am not having an affair"
I walked into my bedroom, shut the door, lay on the bed and cried. ODD told me later all she could hear was sobbing and me saying OMG over and over.
After some period of time (5 mins, 20 mins, an hour?) I rang my boss who was away and told him and asked if I could go to his house which he agreed to. Then I rang my BFF, and told her. She said she would pick me up and take me there.
I walked out of the house. I 'think' I told ODD I was going out but its a bit hazy. It was just getting dark. I walked the 30m or so to the entrance to the dairy and sat in the roadside ditch in the long grass and threw up. About 5 mins later Flick came tearing out the drive in his car and took off down the road. He couldnt see me in my location. I thought he was either looking for me or going to PQ's. I found out later he had locked up the guns and taken the key to his fire chief to look after. D@mn, lucked out there. (J/K)
My BFF arrived and we went to my bosses and I cried alot. After a bit she asked me what I was going to do so we wrote a list of what it might mean... divorce, lawyers and what I should do right now... freeze the bank accounts and term deposits, cancel the credit card and fuel card, take him off the utilities and remove his cell from the account. I think we even did a rough division of the major assets. Eventually she took me home because I just wanted to be there.
When I got back the house was all dark but Flicks car was in the driveway. I walked into the house and turned on the lights. Flick sat up in the chair he was sitting in blinking. I looked at him and felt so angry, but all I did was turn the light out, walk into my bedroom, shut the door and jam a chair under the handle. I think I passed out rather than slept.
The next morning I got up to milk my cows. When I came home I noticed a bed had been made up in YDD's room on her daybed, so I guessed Flick had slept there. He came home from milking his friends cows and just walked past me into the shower. He got dressed, walked past me again out to his studio in the garage. It was like he was entirely ignoring what had happened. I was so mad, I kept thinking "Just speak to me!" After an hour of this I went to the studio, told him if he wasnt going to talk to me to get the bleep out. He came inside, packed a bag, said to me "well I'll be off then" in a tone of voice like I was being unreasonable asking him to leave and left. I watched him go and said "Well that's the end of my M then" ODD walked as I was saying it and asked what was going on. I told her, she told YDD.
I did all the thing BFF and I had decided on. It was easier than I thought, given the NZ privacy laws. "Hi, my H is having an A. I want his name taken off my account. Thank you, bye".
I rang our pastor and told him still thinking Flick would want to sort this out. His mum rang and I told her. She was well shocked. The next day the pastor rang and said he had organised for Flick and I to meet at church for a reconciliation meeting. I asked twice "are you sure Flick wants to come home and sort this out?" He said yes. It was the only reason I went.
We had the meeting, Pastor prayed and I read a letter I had written to Flick about being hurt but wanting to fix it. He said "Lil, I'm not coming back".
People talk about how crushed they were on D-day, and I was too, but when he said those words, was the moment I broke. I don't have a good recollection of what happened after, it comes and goes in flashes.
I remember crying in the church toilets, then trying to leave the church and my nearly 7 foot tall, 150kg Fijian pastor trying to stop me and me telling him to leave me alone. I remember screaming a very rude word at Flick as I walked passed the room he was in. I remember having trouble getting out of the car park - I was told later I had pealed out, complete with screaming tires and engine and narrowly missing the fence. I remember almost hitting another car at a roundabout. I remember being home. I don't remember the bits in between.
I walked into the house and started tearing pictures off the wall... wedding and family portraits, Flicks fireservice awards, and throwing them out the door onto the driveway. Then I threw his collection of model fire engines - most of which I had bought him -out as well. I happened to spot a little wooden carving we had got from Fiji a few years back called 'the lovers' that had our names engraved into it. I threw it out as well but it didn't break and make a satisfactory tinkling sound like everything else had. So I got the axe and chopped it into pieces. Then I took to the fire engines. I stood in front of the custom mini for a very long time with the axe in hand. The only thing that stopped me was a voice in my head that said "It's worth money in the divorce."
Next I remember standing in the house panting and still enraged. The day I had thrown Flick out ODD had shown me how to reset the password on Flicks social page, as at that stage he hadn't changed his home email password. I got into his account - the one that only had workmates on it - and set status to something like "I am a bleeping lying cheat. I have been bleeping that bleep PQ for months." Then I went to her page and wrote "your a hypocrite and a liar. Bleeping bleep, I hope you get a disease."
At this point she popped up on MSN and messaged, obviously thinking I was Flick. I copied and pasted the message from the social page to MSN. she replied "that's not very nice". I repeated it. She said "that's not very Christian of you" I repeated it a few more times. She said "if you want to fix your M I can tell you" I said "he doesn't want me, congrats you won him you bleeping bleep bleep". Then I shut down the computer, AFTER changing the passwords on Flicks email, MSN and social page to Flicksux.
The week after that has moments of lucidity, but mostly its a haze.
I think I spent the next 3 or 4 days lying on my bed, crying. FTR I almost never cried before D-day, maybe once every 2 years. I was not a crier. Now I cry during adverts on TV.
I was vomiting constantly, and had diarrhoea, wasn't eating, wasn't sleeping. Had pulled Flicks clothes out of the drawers and made a nest on the bed so I could still smell him. I was certifiable. ODD was at boarding school sun night to fri afternoon, I don't know what YDD did during that time. My poor baby - I neglected her.
The 'last' night of madness I went into a depression chat room and told the room in general that my H was having an A and I wasn't feeling good. TWO men hit on me and suggested I have a RA with them in retaliation. I told them bleep bleep bleppity bleep. Finally I resorted to drama queen desperation and I announced if someone didn't talk to me me right there and then, I was going to kill myself. Strangely someone did actually take me seriously - a sweet lady from Australia. She calmed me down and got my IM details and cell #. She said she would commit to IMming me at a certain time every night for as long as it took and that if I didn't reply she would ring. She did that for 4 months. She is and always will be my special angel.
The next day I went to church and begged for an IC. Luckily they had one available and I got to talk about what was going on. She was pretty shocked at the state I was in and made me write up a contract : I was going to look after and feed YDD, I was going to go to see a doctor ASAP, I was going to do my best to not think about Flick and PQ, and I was going to text her any time day or night I got critical. I never did take her up on that one, but it helped to know it was available. She told me a year later she hadn't been sure I would live thru the first few weeks.
I saw a doctor and he said I was stressed (no duh) and gave me pills to stop the diarrhoea, pills to calm me down, pills to make me sleep, pain killers (my back and abdomen ached constantly) and a free lecture in moving on with my life. I had to go see him again to get the sleeping pills changed as the 1st ones gave me nightmares, which meant a repeat on the lecture. I changed doctors after that.
A friend from church gave me a copy of 5LL to read and I devoured it in a day. I also started reading on divorce busters about the 180. Talking about it with my angel each night we decided that what I need to do was the 180 and then seduce Flick.
I apologised to PQ and him about "letting myself lose control" which they both said they forgave me for, never noting that I wasn't apologising for what I said, or did, just that I had lost control. I allowed Flick to come to the house for coffee, visit the girls, get more clothes etc and always looked good, smelt nice and gave him 100% of my attention. I didn't always get it right but I was making an impact.
At the same time, Flicks foster father (FIL#4) was diagnosed with terminal cancer, with no chance of survival. Flick decided to move south to Wellington to FIL#4's house and care for him. I loved this idea, and even more so when PQ decided to move to her home town up north to see about getting custody of her 4 children.
I set up a calling plan so his cell and the homeline could call each other unlimited for a capped rate, technically so he could ring the DD's, but also to encourage him to call me. This worked wonderfully and we talked almost every night. Nothing amazing but the lines were open. After he had been there for 2 weeks he said he would come spend the weekend with us, then go up north to PQ and spend 2 days there. This was the opportunity Angel and I had wanted.
One of the zillion websites I had read said that when buying lingerie, always buy with your spouse in mind. After all, you're not looking at it, they are, you're just the clothes hanger. So I bought very alluring things in red, a colour I had insisted for years I would NEVER wear, and Flick had always said he wanted me to.
Our 'family tradition' pre A, was on Friday nights we would rent a couple of DVD's, buy fish n' chips and have a family night in. The girls would get coke, and Flick and I would normally have a couple of bourbons and coke. Since the start of the A Flick was drinking a lot more than a couple.
He came in his new car - a red convertible - very cliché and MLC like. Drove us into town in it, and we got the movies, FnC, coke and a large bottle of bourbon. We ate dinner, and I poured the drinks - coke for the girls, bourbon and coke for the grown ups.
At least that's what it looked like. I did make one B and C for me for a courage boost, but the rest of the night I drank straight coke, and made Flicks drinks with increasing amounts of bourbon. When the girls had gone to bed I asked him if he still liked me, he said as a friend. I asked him if I was attractive, he said yes, I asked him if he found me sexually desirable, he said yes, I told him I wanted him, he said it wouldn't be right. I told him he know where my bedroom was (he was sleeping in the spare room)
I went to my room and lit a candle and he came in. He said "you'll just use this against me" I said "not yet". He said "if you ever tell her, I will never forgive you" and told me to blow out the candle. After I stripped to the new lingerie and shown him my new, much thinner body I did.
Afterwards, he went outside to smoke. I followed him and asked him what he was thinking. He said "I am thinking I should not have drunk so much". I went back to my bed, he went to the spare room.
The next morning I went in to his room, sat on the bed and told him that as far as I was concerned, the night before was just two good friends with a long history, doing what came natural. He said ok, slid his hand up my leg and commented at how good I had looked the night before.
He couldn't blame what happened next on alcohol.
We took the girls for a drive and had lunch out, then came home. He tried to fix the computer, which had got a virus from some file sharing he did with PQ, but with little success. That night he took a sleeping tablet before going to bed. I said to him he knew he was welcome in my bed and went to bed myself. He came in about 30 mins later, after wandering up and down the hall for a bit. During the proceedings he fell asleep and I started crying. I did not want a friends with benefits thing, I wanted my husband. The next day he left to go to PQ's.
I think I found MB that day. I was very confused by it at first. It was actually Queenie who helped me with the addiction idea. I knew I was going to be spending a week with Flick and FIL#4,so I wanted to really get to work on my plan A. I had been doing okish on my own, but a real plan was a relief after weeks of stumbling around in the dark.
The week went ok, but as traumatic as long term exposure to an active wayward normally is to a betrayed spouse. I bit my tongue a lot. I had a lot of bathroom breaks so to be able to quietly scream to myself. I also started smoking again, which did not help the weight loss at all. The worse night was the one where he told me he could see a future with PQ, and not with me. I took a walk to 'go get cigarettes'. What I did was find a park and cry and vomit. I think I became the vomit queen during his affair. I didn't really stop heaving 2-3 times a day unless I was with Flick, and it finally stopped completely about a month into recovery.
I came home and carried on with the phone calls, the MSN chats and plan A. The SF part of the plan had a bit of a hiccup when Flick 'found' me on MB. While I had been at FIL#4's I had logged onto MB a couple of times and didn't know to empty the memory. The first night I came home he had been in there and out of some sort of curiosity, looked at the links. He got the page where I admitted I had deleted a text from PQ that had come on his cell while he was in the shower, and he saw how many people were telling me to expose to her stbx and her parents. He went nuts, and accused me of 'trying to get my own back on PQ'. The next time he visited me he refused SF saying it only gave out mixed messages.
FIL#4 died in May. I spent the week with Flick - I thought I was stopping PQ from coming. It turned out she couldn't get anyone to care for her 101 animals. SF was resumed with no particular fanfare. I ended up doing a massive exposure because everyone sort of knew what was happening and wanted to know more - either from care or nosiness, I never did figure it out, nor care much. I did appreciate being allowed the role of wife and daughter in law, with no one saying anything about the 'separation'.
Flick, the girls and I went to Rarotonga a few days after the funeral. It was a trip DD18 and I had booked while Flick was away at the jamboree. While there I made a herculean effort to give quality time, recreational companionship, be attractive and sexy as all get out. Just before leaving NZ to go there I had also written an exposure letter to PQ's parents. Flick came home from a wonderful family fun holiday to be met on PQ's doorstep by PQ in a manic phase of her bipolar, screaming "tell your bleeping wife to stop writing to my parents about your joke of a marriage".
He asked me if he could come home. That was the start of our false recovery.
The false recovery - I didn't know that is what it was while I was in it. I should have guessed really.
He text me to say he wanted to come home, he had been 'such a fool' and that he had really enjoyed his time in Rarotonga together. I was so happy, I cried (again *sigh*) I asked him when he was coming home, he said in a few days. I couldn't work that out but I didn't care. HE WAS COMING HOME! The timing seemed miraculous as I as an hour or so away from posting the plan B letter to him.
He eventually left PQ's house about 5 hours after sending me the texts. He did ring home 3 times but I had gone out. When we finally got in touch he said he was going to his mothers for a few days (not far from FIL#4's) and going to the races. I also got email from PQ telling me to be strong and keep the lines of communication open between Flick and I. I did not respond. Later on that night I got a text from H with the first kisses in it for a long time and an email from his mum confirming he was at her house.
This is from my other blog:
had a long talk with WH and the basic facts are, he got there tuesday afternoon and she told him to tell his wife to stop sending letters about his joke of a marriage to her parents, they had been fighting previously before we went away, and when he logged onto his email and saw my note about what she wrote on my bebo and he read it...it all just clicked for him. he realised that there was no relationship and he would and could never live with her.
he is still a bit more foggier than i would like, wasnt keen on the NC because he 'still considers her a friend" i asked him if the friendship was worth losing his wife over and he said no. he said i can put up on bebo and facebook that we are back together but doesnt want me to put negative stuff about her to which I replied i didnt want to ever hear of or about her again.
I warned him that he may go thru withdrawl and that he may feel it was too hard but it was normal and would pass and he said he understood. i told him i would be emailing him a list of steps to recovery and he was okay with it. He comes home on Sunday.
I got great advice from my MB support team - which I promptly ignored. Request a NC letter. Set boundaries. Don't lower the bar. I had it so low an ant wouldn't have noticed it.
(while he was at his mothers still) I asked him at one stage about what I was allowed to do as for the last 3 months I couldnt hug him or say ILU and I didnt want to mess things up, he said "do whatever you like' which I didnt like. When i asked him about telling people he's coming back he was again short, but that time i just said 'you didnt sound very enthusiastic" which is when he said he didnt want me saying bad stuff about her.
Flick was making some effort, enough that a starved BW accepted the crumbs as mana. During the days he was away we talked on the phone a lot, he said I should learn HAM radio (one of his hobbies) I said he would have to teach me, and he said "we need a good looking person on the radio" (yes despite all evidence, I was still feeling very insecure about my physical appeal.) He also mentioned that he was thinking of selling the MLC car and the mini.
He told me that he was going to buy a portable cabin to put in the back yard for the radio and studio gear as the current room in the garage was too small for both of us, and it meant we could move it easier when we left the farm. We had both agreed to move on from the farm when my contract expired. I was happy with the idea of leaving the town, I had a good church and friends, but there were a lot of bad memories and triggers. I though I would enjoy giving up farming as well, as I had essentially lost interest in it,(and everything else) preferring to concentrate of Flick and my M. I was so happy the day he told me he was on his way home and that he was looking forward to getting back his clothes he had left behind. Only a few weeks before hand he had stood in my kitchen, looked at me and said he missed NOTHING at the house
After several months in plan A, I had become very good at ignoring 'WH', not a great thing for early recovery. I had a mantra at the time :
Always show your love
Be the better person
Accept what good comes
I put it up on the bedroom wall along with a list he had given me at my request of what he wanted from me. I gave him my list of requirements. He commented that it made him feel like a naughty school boy.
The first night he was home, I made sure the house was spotless, the girls and I were on our best behaviour and I cooked his favourite meal. He seemed unsure of his welcome, but was sweet and gentle with us all. I took him aside after eating and asked him if he had done anything about the NC letter, he said he hadn't thought about it so I said it was a non negotiable condition, and that it was a stand I was taking. Without it I would not feel he was taking me seriously. He still kept bulking at doing it so I told him how close he had come to not being allowed back, that I had written him a letter saying I was fed up and ended up with saying, that he had a choice of no contact with me or her.
He started laughing but had tears in his eyes. He got his cell out and told me he was deleting "some numbers". I didn't see what they were but I thanked him anyway.
I was really very naive. The tears were from him feeling the loss of her, and the deleting was actually him changing her name on his cell to her middle name.
I tried very hard to be the wife he wanted, while still trying to get him on board with the MB concepts. I told him about the forums and read bits out to him. I got a copy of SAA and read bits out to him. I did the historical honestly thing in SAA. I asked for a NCL. I snooped and found little things but didn't think they added up to much, such as a few old txt messages thanking him for cigarettes. I asked him to take an STD test.
He started to get colder and colder towards me. He would go to his cousins and stay there for hours. He would go to Wellington to see his mum and sort our FIL#4's estate and stay for days.He went into the bank and I followed him (without his 'permission' and watched him chance his statement address to FIL#4 from our house) to the bank. I knew we were getting further apart, but I couldn't figure out why. I asked him for his cell and couldn't see anything. I asked him for his passwords but didn't get them.I asked over and over for a NCL. I came home one day to find him on the couch crying. I thought it was just withdrawal.
We got to the point where I would walk into the room and he would deliberately make sure he wouldn't catch my eye. It was miserable and I just wanted him gone. I had nothing left in the love bank. One morning he told me he didn't even like me let alone love me. The same morning I had to pick up a lease bike for an upcoming motorcycle handling cert I was doing:
I am so confused!
So we went into town, got the bike did the slow driving and cornering no problem. As soon as I tried the do the weaving thru the obstacle course, I dropped it, and again, and again.
I broke the freaking bike I had hired! So I said I f*cking give up and made him drive it back to town since I cant and told them I would get back to them about hiring another and I rung the testing officer and cancelled the test.
I was so bummed, it was like what the [Bleep!] else can go wrong today. I walked into the house and saw SAA and the 2 workbooks on marriage his mum gave him and I flipped. I picked them up and biffed the lot into the bin and went outside to smoke...and cry.
I came in and he has pulled them out of the bin and put them on the coffee table. he said "I didnt tell you to stop reading the book" I said there no value in me doing it. He didnt say anything so I said did you want us to do those books. He said he hadnt even looked at them yet. I said I had flicked thru one and it seemed to be alot like the questions I had asked him last night (I had been reading SAA and he 'allowed' me to ask him some of the history questions. I actually liked that AND learnt 3 fairly personal things about him, like he is a lot more fragile emotionally than I thought...fear of not being liked, feels lonely)
He never said anything else about it and the books are still sitting on the table.
What am I suppose to do? He doesnt like me. Why is he here? How is this suppose to be 'fixed' when he wont do anything?
While Flick had been going off to his mothers, I suspect he gave her the wayward version of events at home. In any case she decided the best thing for us after a mere 2 weeks of recovery would be if Flick went to England to 'paint his sisters house' and to 'give us some space from each other and the tension at home', as well as giving us all a chance to grief the death of FIL#4. My MB support group told me it was a terrible idea. While there was a good chance he would break no contact in early recovery, it was a guarantee that he would once away from me. I tried to talk him into having me come as well, but he made arrangements so that I could not. I was fairly gutted, especially with how our recovery was going.
He started keeping his cell on him at all times again AND started locking his car which had an alarm. The one time I was in it for a few moments I had a quick look in the glovebox and discovered a diary of sorts, but didn't get time to read it. Later on he had a shower and left the keys on the kitchen bench. I had never used a system like he had but amazingly managed to get the car open and photograph some pages with the digital camera, relock the car and return the keys before he came out. When he had gone to his cousins I read the pages and mostly they were about how very depressed he was and how he didn't want to be at home. I was very sad about it. I also discovered her address and phone numbers, and he was giving OW rather a lot of money.
I finally had enough the day we had gone for a drive up the mountain. It had been very tense as usual. He had made some comment that morning, about how he sometimes thought he should sell up everything, buy a motorhome, move down south and pan for gold. I had asked him where I fitted into this plan and he told me I didn't. Then he told me he didn't even like me, let alone love me.
So while we were in the car, to try and relax the atmosphere I started talking about a friend of mine and some issues she was having. He said to me he didn't care about my friends. A few other things were said with the result he said that "to care for someones friend, you have to care about the someone." I took that to mean to care about my friends, he would have to care about me. Since he did not care about my friends, he did not care about me.
I went to MB and proceeded to write up my PBL. I had great help from one particular poster, who managed to give excellent advice to a very worn out and fed up woman. I printed out the letter and I had a bath, thought about it, came out and sat down across from him. I said "do you see a future with us?" He put his book down and looked at me for several minutes and said "maybe."
I thought about it for a few minutes myself, and concluded that if he wasn't coming back from England as I had begun to suspect, then I had nothing to lose except 4 more days of heart break. I had had enough and really couldn't take any more of it. So I gave him the letter and went for a short walk outside.
I came back in expecting him to be packing and he was still sitting on the chair I had left him in.
I made me a coffee and as a thought kept coming to me (Be kind) I made him him one as well. We sat in silence for about half an hour, then he said he was going into town and asked if I wanted anything. I said milk and I would pay him back.
He came home with milk, watched a little TV, and then went out to his HAM shed. I was a bit unsure what to do - why wasn't he leaving? I cooked tea, and sent him a txt saying it was ready. he came in, said it looked nice, thanked me for it after. Said he had been to a shop in town to look for a back pack (something he was going to get instead of a suitcase for the UK trip), took 2 aspirin and went back to his shed. When he came in next, he had a very long letter which said he wanted to be home, wanted me to be me and that he could see a future with us.
I thanked him for his letter, and discussed several points with him. No surprises that most of it revolved around OW. He admitted he was still in contact with her, but it was not relationship, more to do with the money he was giving her. Their plan had been he would move in with her, and once he had decided against it he felt that he had created a problem with her being unable to pay rent and utilities so felt it was the right thing to do in the short term, but was not going to do it again.
I explained the need I had for transparency. A' person with nothing to hide, hides nothing'. I needed passwords, more for accountability than anything else. Also having to ask him for on going reassurance would annoy him more than just knowing that should I get the need, I could check up on him. That regardless of what common sense tells me, I couldn't help but feel that she had 'stolen' him from me, that for all her support of him when FIL died, I was angry because it should have been me, and that I needed to learn to be his wife in the important areas and he needed to show me. He wasn't happy but he gave me his passwords.
We played nice for the next 2 days until he left for England, although he did wander in and out of the waywardness attitude. I gave him my copy of SAA to read while he was over there, he was pretty unenthusiastic about having it. I rang him while he was at the airport and he was so cold and short I just said "oh well, only ringing to say bye, goodbye" and hung up. He txt me from Bahrain and then rang me when I didn't respond - I had been under the impression he wasn't wanting a response. Then I spent the next 3 days looking at his emails, social networking pages and watching him log on and off of his email which triggered an alert on a programme I had installed. I discovered he had shared personal things with OW that he had never shared with me, which hurt, but couldn't see anything concretely solid to say the affair was still on.
On July 4th, WH MSN'ed me and was very short, and obviously very bored. I asked him about something and his only response was do whateva you want.
I got madder and madder so finally said "I'm sorry I'm so boring" and logged off.
I stewed on it for a while, "do whateva you want" was his 'tell' during the A. I used to hear it whenever he had been in contact with OW. After 30 mins I checked to see if he was offline which he was, and I logged onto his MSN only to find my concrete proof.
OW sent 4/07/2008 8:30 p.m.:
Hey WH its OW sister, OW said to tell you she is staying at mum and dads tonight and cant txt coz she got no credit but will message you tomorrow.
OW sent 4/07/2008 8:30 p.m.:
I rang him, asked him where he wanted his stuff sent. He said 'to mums, why'. I told him what I had found, told him I'd had enough and hung up.
Then I rang his mother and told her why he shouldn't have gone to England. I heard later she rang him straight back and opened with "I have just had a call from your very irate wife..."
I was pretty angry at first. I emailed the PBL to him, and because of the time zone difference (he was asleep) I stated a real deep down search of his social networking page. I looked at bits I had never thought of looking in. I discovered he had written to some woman on a facebook application that he had just been thrown out and he hoped he hadn't burnt his bridges with his 'lady friend'.
It was about then I got a message saying that I had mail on an application I had on FB (Owned). It made me look at his Owned application and there I found the mother load.
The day I had come home to find him crying, he had made contact with OW, asking her if they were still friends. She said they were and added SHE had taken him off her pages and contacts to make recovery easier on me. There followed conversations where she hinted for money, which I knew he gave her from bank statements I had got. The conversation's stopped abruptly - I found out later he had set up a 'secret' email account. The A was on again, but in EA form only.
I sent out a re-exposure email to those I felt it was worth exposing to, had a couple of arguments about my priorities and stance with people, and then slid into full on misery. I just could not believe he had done it to me again. I was really heartbroken, however this time I didn't go insane. I started to pack up his crap, and it was hard. The girls refused to talk to him and plan B'd him themselves. I stopped the phone/cell package (he said later the txt he got saying I had done that was very unsettling to him), and started removing him from my life bit by bit... facebook, bebo, MSN, yahoo, but only one at a time and the next a few days later. I was clinging by my finger tips, but believed it was over and plan D was ahead.
The farm was starting to crank up again and I was grateful. I would be busy enough over the coming months to not focus so much on the turn of events.
I went to the lawyers and got a legal separation drawn up.I was so unhappy, and nearly made the lawyer cry as well. I cried the night YDD said he goodnight prayers and asked Him if she could have her daddy back for her birthday, July 27.
Apparently God listens to children's prayers, because on July 21st, after 16 days of plan B, I got the message the A was over and he was willing to do whatever it took to get our marriage back on track. He even finally agreed to write the NCL, and said he had read some of SAA and could understand he was addicted to her. A few weeks after he came home, I was cleaning up somerubble from his side of the room and found a ball of paper. When I unscrewed it, I discovered a letter he had started to write to me on the plane back to NZ. It was mostly foggy stuff but the sentence that stood out to me was where he said "your cutting me off just because she's my friend? I don't think so..." *sigh* Waywards are so
Early recovery was difficult as early recovery is, but better, much MUCH better than the false recovery. Flick actually made an effort to go thru the motions. To start with we were not in a financial position for do MB counselling, and when the money did come, he didn't want to do it, so I made up a programme. I used bits from SAA, HNHN,BRF and a few of the articles on the MB website. Because of his reluctance and because of his lack of joy in reading, I had to read each and every 'lesson' to him, and we took about 10 weeks to complete it.
I made him start a thread on MB, which in hindsight I would do again, but only after a period of time had elapsed, in order to get him prepared for running the gamut, and to ensure only people with OUR best interested posted to him. The run of angry (predominantly BW) newly betrayed was alarming. I lashed out at some well meaning people which I did regret later, once I realised I was responding from fear. Fear that he would say it was too hard, fear that he would be turned off the idea of MB - something that I was not at all willing to attempt recovery without.
We had a lot of emotional ups and downs, but nothing outside of what I had seen from other recovery couples. Things went well-ish for the first few months.
In November our recovery got a hard knock from our ODD who ran away. The resulting police search and conflict from my ex, put us under significant strain. We did manage to reconcile with her of sorts by Christmas, but she was now moved out from home for good.
In march we flew to America and while I was there I got to meet many of the wonderful people I had met on MB. Co-inciding with the D-day antiversary was a visit to Columbia towers in Seattle where I got to spend a large part of the day with 3 wonderful. funny, and wise women. I really wish everyones first DDA could be held in such a lovely gathering.