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FR: Divorce Busting #226
08/30/10 11:45 PM
08/30/10 11:45 PM
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New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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I think the forum is divorcebusters. Anyone been there?

I went a couple of times and actually bought the DR book. I liked the 180 and put it into practise, before I found MB and tried the plans over there. I did have some success, I wasnt crying every time H saw me, I was dressing better, wearing makeup and generally being happier.

I have heard from people who go there regularly that they think MB is hard line, and that the BS's plan is almost plan doormat. I admit I havent looked into it all that much, being otherwise focused.

Interested to hear about what anyone else thinks or knows.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: FR: Divorce Busting [Re: Lil] #230
08/31/10 12:15 AM
08/31/10 12:15 AM
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OurHouse Offline
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I also like the 180...even if infidelity is not involved. The problem with Plan A is that for me...it *felt* like Plan Doormat. I know that many have been very successful with it, but your mindset can determine so much, yanno? And I just couldn't get my head out of the "how much longer do I have to lay down in the middle of the road here, and when do I start to see a return on my investment?"

I'm looking for a completely different kind of marriage help at the moment (I'm trying to form a first post for that thread), but regardless...I found I had very strong feelings about Plan A..***FOR ME****, and also had some trouble with the "if you do it right it works every time" advice I often received.

Re: FR: Divorce Busting [Re: Lil] #235
08/31/10 12:34 AM
08/31/10 12:34 AM
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lil,

I did post there for awhile, but I ran into a common newbie problem. On forums that are associated with a program, sometimes there are people who have been there for a long time and know the program really well. For the most part, that's really good because vets are often the core of good forums. However, even though I had read the books (in fact MWD signed my book at the Smart Marriage Conference, and was one of the keynote speakers that year) and could give program-based advice, I was viewed with suspicion because I hadn't been there long enough or built up a history of posts. It's different when you show up on a forum with a problem, and then turn things around, and build up a reputation. Maybe they thought I was someone who had been banned, and was reinventing myself....I don't know. In any case, the reception was a little chilly. It did get better as time went on, but I only stayed for a few months because I preferred MB.

One thing I remember was that threads were only allowed to go for something like three pages, and then they were locked...every thread. I thought it was kinda weird. I'm not sure what that was about, and even though there were some advantages to it because it prevented things like meta-discussions and impossibly long threads, still...I think the negatives outweighed the positives. Maybe it's changed because I haven't been there for years...I might go check it out again.

I did hear that awhile back MWD had some issues with her forum....with some members getting too much power and thinking they ran the forum. I don't know the particulars or how it turned out, but the guy who told me has worked with her.

Last edited by star*fish; 08/31/10 12:35 AM.

"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: FR: Divorce Busting [Re: star*fish] #401
08/31/10 11:13 PM
08/31/10 11:13 PM
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Gladstone Offline
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I've read the website, but not been on her forum. I like the 180 plan, too.

As far as being a doormat goes, I remember very well a letter Michelle Weiner-Davis had posted prominently on her website about how one man saved his marriage - and the way he did it was by being a friend to his wife as she carried out an affair with another man. This husband dropped all expectations and decided to concentrate on being her friend, helped her move out, helped her put up curtains, etc, and became a safe, non-demanding person for her to be around. She started finding excuses to spend time talking with him and eventually her "boyfriend" forbade her from talking to her husband - which, of course, was not well received by the wayward wife. Eventually, the affair broke up and she returned to her husband.

That was far beyond the ideas of Plan A and Plan B, and I think many men would not be willing to do that (or able to, even if they were willing to try). And I'm not sure it would work with all wayward wives, either. But it worked for the man who wrote the letter, and that stuck in my mind after I read it.


**Formerly known as Cuthbert Calculus**

"There is enough sadness in life without having fellows like Gussie Fink-Nottle going about in sea boots."

Glad Tidings

Gladstone's Sucess Story
Re: FR: Divorce Busting [Re: Gladstone] #406
08/31/10 11:53 PM
08/31/10 11:53 PM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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Whoops, just read over what I wrote.
Quote
I have heard from people who go there regularly that they think MB is hard line, and that the BS's plan is almost plan doormat.


should have read:

I have heard from people who go there regularly that they think MB is hard line, and (they also say)that the BS's plan (on divorce remedy)is almost plan doormat.

Last edited by lildoggie; 09/01/10 12:10 AM. Reason: spelling

AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: FR: Divorce Busting [Re: Lil] #5387
09/22/10 10:25 AM
09/22/10 10:25 AM
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New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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Originally Posted by michelle weiner-davis
The Walk-Away Wife Syndrome
by Michele Weiner-Davis
Did you know that of the over one million marriages that will end in divorce this year, two thirds to three quarters of those divorces will be filed for by women? What is this so-called, "Walk-away Wife" syndrome all about?

In the early years of marriage, women are the relationship caretakers. They carefully monitor their relationships to make sure there is enough closeness and connection. If not, women will do what they can to try to fix things. If their husbands aren't responsive, women become extremely unhappy and start complaining about everything under the sun... things that need to get done around the house, responsibilities pertaining to the children, how free time is spent and so on. Unfortunately, when women complain, men generally retreat and the marriage deteriorates even more.

After years of trying unsuccessfully to improve things, a woman eventually surrenders and convinces herself that change isn't possible. She ends up believing there's absolutely nothing she can do because everything she's tried hasn't worked. That's when she begins to carefully map out the logistics of what she considers to be the inevitable, getting a divorce.

While she's planning her escape, she no longer tries to improve her relationship or modify her husband's behavior in any way. She resigns herself to living in silent desperation until "D Day." Unfortunately, her husband views his wife's silence as an indication that "everything is fine." After all, the "nagging" has ceased. That's why, when she finally breaks the news of the impending divorce, her shell-shocked partner replies, "I had no idea you were unhappy."

Then, even when her husband undergoes real and lasting changes, it's often too late. The same impenetrable wall that for years shielded her from pain, now prevents her from truly recognizing his genuine willingness to change. The relationship is in the danger zone.

If you are a woman who fits this description, please don't give up. I have seen so many men make amazing changes once they truly understand how unhappy their wives have been. Sometimes men are slow to catch on, but when they do, their determination to turn things around can be astounding. I have seen many couples strengthen their marriages successfully even though it seemed an impossible feat. Give your husband another chance. Let him prove to you that things can be different. Keep your family together. Divorce is not a simple answer. It causes unimaginable pain and suffering. It takes an enormous amount of energy to face each day. Why not take this energy and learn some new skills and make your marriage what you've wanted it to be for so long?

If you're a man reading this and your wife has been complaining or nagging, thank her. It means she still cares about you and your marriage. She's working hard to make your love stronger. Spend time with her. Talk to her. Compliment her. Pay attention. Take her seriously. Show her that she's the most important thing in the world to you.

Perhaps your wife is no longer open to your advances because she's a soon-to-be walk-away wife. If so, don't crowd her. Don't push. Be patient. If you demonstrate you can change and she still has eyes... and a heart, you might just convince her to give your marriage another try.


Is your marriage on the rocks? Don't panic.
Even if your spouse says that your marriage is over, there's much that you can do to turn things around. Here are a few immediate suggestions.

Take a deep breath.
We know this is the most difficult time in your life, but we are going to help you come up with a plan to save your marriage and feel better right away.

Stop pressuring your spouse to work on your marriage.
It's natural to try to persuade your spouse to stop being so pessimistic about your marriage and to commit to working things out. However, you've probably noticed that the more you've tried to convince your spouse that your marriage is worth saving, the more your efforts have backfired. So, the first thing you need to do is to stop lecturing, pleading, crying, or pressuring, sending flowers, cards or heart-felt letters. You're actually pushing your spouse out the door!

Know there's a more productive way to get through to your spouse.
People who are successful in life, don't work harder, they work smarter. It's not that you haven't been trying hard enough; it's just that you haven't been doing the right things to get through to your spouse. Your Divorce Busting Coach will help you figure out exactly what you need to do or say differently to get things back on track. Plus, Divorce Busting coaching is for you. You don't need to ask your spouse to speak to your coach. By changing your approach, you will learn how to improve your relationship without his/her participation.

Divorce Busting coaching is for you if:
Your marriage is in trouble and you want to feel closer to your spouse.
You are on the brink of divorce, or even in the midst of divorce proceedings.
You and your spouse live under one roof but are emotionally disconnected.
You're currently separated and may have little contact with your spouse.
There has been infidelity and/or an emotional affair.
You frequently have the same old arguments about sex, money, communication styles, parenting, step-families, extended family, friends, how free time is spent, religion, and so on.

Every day that passes with hurt and anger is another wasted day of your life. Take the energy you've been wasting feeling hurt, devastated and dead inside and start fighting for your marriage today!

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php

Last edited by lildoggie; 09/23/10 07:48 AM. Reason: adding forum link

AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: FR: Divorce Busting [Re: Lil] #5390
09/22/10 12:04 PM
09/22/10 12:04 PM
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NewEveryDay Offline
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The 180 was a huge help for me in letting go of expectations and being willing to see things as they were today, instead of how I thought they could be, if I just tried harder.


"I have everything I need." and "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." ~Louise Hays
Re: FR: Divorce Busting [Re: NewEveryDay] #5401
09/22/10 01:07 PM
09/22/10 01:07 PM
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OurHouse Offline
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I fit the description of a WAW to a "T". But I also do a lot of the second part too.."pressuring to work on the marriage", help me around the house, help me by finding a job, help me figure out a budget, help me figure out how to get our marriage back on track.

I hear a lot of **crickets** around my house. frown

Re: FR: Divorce Busting [Re: star*fish] #6009
09/23/10 11:06 PM
09/23/10 11:06 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
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Texas
Larry Offline
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Star:

Quote
I did hear that awhile back MWD had some issues with her forum....with some members getting too much power and thinking they ran the forum. I don't know the particulars or how it turned out, but the guy who told me has worked with her.


As Claude Rains would say, "I am shocked..."

Larry


It's often the truth we hide from ourselves that causes the most damage in life.

My old email address no longer works.
Re: FR: Divorce Busting [Re: Gladstone] #47591
01/08/11 10:09 PM
01/08/11 10:09 PM
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Allen_A Offline
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Originally Posted By: Gladstone

As far as being a doormat goes, I remember very well a letter Michelle Weiner-Davis had posted prominently on her website about how one man saved his marriage - and the way he did it was by being a friend to his wife as she carried out an affair with another man. This husband dropped all expectations and decided to concentrate on being her friend, helped her move out, helped her put up curtains, etc, and became a safe, non-demanding person for her to be around. She started finding excuses to spend time talking with him and eventually her "boyfriend" forbade her from talking to her husband - which, of course, was not well received by the wayward wife. Eventually, the affair broke up and she returned to her husband.

That was far beyond the ideas of Plan A and Plan B, and I think many men would not be willing to do that (or able to, even if they were willing to try). And I'm not sure it would work with all wayward wives, either. But it worked for the man who wrote the letter, and that stuck in my mind after I read it.


The story above you summarized perfectly.

The problem is

a. This is hardly the norm
b. As said most people won't have the strength for that kind of abuse
c. You risk much, for only a small chance it will help
d. She doesn't have a backup plan -- plan doormat is her only strategy
e. If your spouse is at all sociopathic, this strategy is incredibly dangerous

While this story may work sometimes, it won't happen often. Because of the degree of risk I don't recommend it.

But if you advocate any kind of Plan B on the forum you get driven off the forum. There is no alternative strategy.


Last edited by Allen_A; 01/08/11 10:12 PM.

Respect Mah Authoritah!

But... I don't do cryptic...
Re: FR: Divorce Busting [Re: Allen_A] #47772
01/09/11 06:31 AM
01/09/11 06:31 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,744
SEATTLE, WA
kimmie lee Offline
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Originally Posted By: Allen_A
Originally Posted By: Gladstone

As far as being a doormat goes, I remember very well a letter Michelle Weiner-Davis had posted prominently on her website about how one man saved his marriage - and the way he did it was by being a friend to his wife as she carried out an affair with another man. This husband dropped all expectations and decided to concentrate on being her friend, helped her move out, helped her put up curtains, etc, and became a safe, non-demanding person for her to be around. She started finding excuses to spend time talking with him and eventually her "boyfriend" forbade her from talking to her husband - which, of course, was not well received by the wayward wife. Eventually, the affair broke up and she returned to her husband.

That was far beyond the ideas of Plan A and Plan B, and I think many men would not be willing to do that (or able to, even if they were willing to try). And I'm not sure it would work with all wayward wives, either. But it worked for the man who wrote the letter, and that stuck in my mind after I read it.


The story above you summarized perfectly.

The problem is

a. This is hardly the norm
b. As said most people won't have the strength for that kind of abuse
c. You risk much, for only a small chance it will help
d. She doesn't have a backup plan -- plan doormat is her only strategy
e. If your spouse is at all sociopathic, this strategy is incredibly dangerous

While this story may work sometimes, it won't happen often. Because of the degree of risk I don't recommend it.

But if you advocate any kind of Plan B on the forum you get driven off the forum. There is no alternative strategy.



Allen, this example kind of reminds me of how gforce busted his D. He was friendly, helped w move into her new place, and as I recall, his w's om began trying to discourage the w from contact with g.

Of course, g added the tactic of agreeing with his w's decision, effectively calling her bluff. He started calling his shots hard and fast, no waiting around for her to wake up. He woke her up in short order. g applied for, and landed, a job out of town, and made arrangements to actually move on before his w finally called off the D in the eleventh hour.

And that is something that MWD does not advocate. I just can't understand her stubbornness about Shock and Awe, because she also advocates "doing more of what works." And what g did worked. Fast! It was like a Jedi Mind Trick.


THE FOG comes
on little cat feet.

It sits looking
over harbor and city
on silent haunches
and then moves on....C. Sandburg


GOSH!!
GOLLY!!
Re: FR: Divorce Busting [Re: kimmie lee] #47886
01/09/11 05:13 PM
01/09/11 05:13 PM
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Allen_A Offline
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Yup, but most people can't do that. many take months to stop being used. They pursue, beg, argue, etc.. Most people take months to just get out of that state.

I don't doubt that there are people who can pull off the Last Resort Technique. And that is pretty much by the book is what you are describing here.

But I don't think most people arriving at a marriage crisis forum are in a state to pull the LRT off, at least right away.

MWD does advocate Last Resort Technique, its in DR, but as the title suggests, she suggests you try everything ELSE first and use LRT if the other stuff isn't working.

The stuff in the book isn't bad, the problem is too many of the soft techniques are used for crisis situations and they won't work. They actually make things worse.

The worst part of the program is that the softball stuff is easier to do than the hardball stuff for most spouses. Most spouses don't want to confront affairs, expose, separate, file for divorce, etc... They want to buy flowers, make nice dinners, get a haircut, do their nails... and they hope all the work they do on themselves will solve marriages in crisis... and the book has you think it might.

It's crap. If your marriage is in crisis cleaning up you is only 10% effective at most I'd say. The other 90% is setting boundaries and acting on them.




Respect Mah Authoritah!

But... I don't do cryptic...
Re: FR: Divorce Busting [Re: Allen_A] #48575
01/10/11 08:13 PM
01/10/11 08:13 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,744
SEATTLE, WA
kimmie lee Offline
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Yes, it makes it much worse.

And oh, dear, the "Standing For Your Marriage" and all the other stuff that goes along with the Mythical, Magical MLC does not work very well either.


THE FOG comes
on little cat feet.

It sits looking
over harbor and city
on silent haunches
and then moves on....C. Sandburg


GOSH!!
GOLLY!!
Re: FR: Divorce Busting [Re: kimmie lee] #48578
01/10/11 08:17 PM
01/10/11 08:17 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,931
Tennessee
TimeHeals Offline
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Quote:
Mythical, Magical MLC



Actually, it's the "MLC at any age" is recent printings. LOL.

So if your spouse is 23, it could apply wink


Your Time Perspective Can Heal
Mend the broken, make strong the weak and vanquish the evil.
Re: FR: Divorce Busting [Re: TimeHeals] #48590
01/10/11 08:26 PM
01/10/11 08:26 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
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Allen_A Offline
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Sure, the same myth applies for a 23 year old.. right.. the same fairytale can be used at any age... of course.. that makes all the difference! lol


Respect Mah Authoritah!

But... I don't do cryptic...
Re: FR: Divorce Busting [Re: TimeHeals] #48840
01/11/11 12:45 AM
01/11/11 12:45 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,744
SEATTLE, WA
kimmie lee Offline
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Originally Posted By: TimeHeals
Quote:
Mythical, Magical MLC



Actually, it's the "MLC at any age" is recent printings. LOL.

So if your spouse is 23, it could apply wink


See?

I TOLD you it was magic!!

Major Loser Crap more like. grin


Last edited by kimmie lee; 01/11/11 01:48 AM.

THE FOG comes
on little cat feet.

It sits looking
over harbor and city
on silent haunches
and then moves on....C. Sandburg


GOSH!!
GOLLY!!
Re: FR: Divorce Busting [Re: kimmie lee] #271754
12/28/12 09:35 PM
12/28/12 09:35 PM
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Mary Emma Offline
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Bump


Me 41
H 40
S 9
S 6

I want to live in a world where George Zimmerman offered Trayvon Martin a ride home to get him out of the rain that night. -Bishop G. Brewer
Re: FR: Divorce Busting [Re: Mary Emma] #364049
09/29/14 08:32 PM
09/29/14 08:32 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,285
PEEKSKILL NY
Rich57 Offline
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Looks like they forgot to pay their bill and now go-daddy pops up in their place......

We shall see how long that last for.

Re: FR: Divorce Busting [Re: Rich57] #364066
09/30/14 12:19 AM
09/30/14 12:19 AM
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Posts: 5,072
SW Chicago 'burbs
Mark1952 Offline
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Comes up as usual for me...


mark1952.ma@gmail.com

I Was Thinking...

The secret to having a good marriage is to understand that marriage must be total, it must be permanent, and it must be equal.-- Frank Pittman
Re: FR: Divorce Busting [Re: Mark1952] #364080
09/30/14 09:22 AM
09/30/14 09:22 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,285
PEEKSKILL NY
Rich57 Offline
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Originally Posted By: Mark1952
Comes up as usual for me...

Yea its back up again for me too, thanks, I guess they resolved the issue.

Re: FR: Divorce Busting [Re: Rich57] #365134
10/11/14 05:04 AM
10/11/14 05:04 AM
Joined: Jan 2014
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Jedi Knight Offline
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-delete-

Last edited by Jedi Knight; 10/11/14 05:07 AM. Reason: old post
Re: FR: Divorce Busting [Re: Lil] #445656
05/25/21 08:46 AM
05/25/21 08:46 AM
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Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline OP

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Just popped over to see how it going. Still operational, still same advice (didnt look too in depth tho) still plenty of betrayed spouses. Infidelity never seems to go out of fashion..


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: FR: Divorce Busting [Re: Lil] #445658
05/25/21 02:54 PM
05/25/21 02:54 PM
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right here waiting Offline
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We have so much to offer people who are now walking the infidelity path. So many of us who recovered here, did it with the support of those who went before us. We owe it to them to keep the support chain going.

Good to see some folks who’ve not been around in a while...like YOU, Lil. thumbsup


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