Who's Online Now
0 registered members (), 3 guests, and 30 spiders.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
 Trending Topics(Posts)
1.How to deconstruct a marriage.0
2.I am Sick, I am Sad, and I am needing some support.0
3.SIHW is back and Dealing with issues....0
4.looking for some support0
5.Social Networking Sites and Infidelity0
6.Signs of Infidelity0
7.The Difference Between Cheating and Infidelity?0
8.Not really sure how to survive0
9.The Five Big Lies That Keep You From Changing0
10.Pregnant and getting put out of the house by my husband0
*By replies in last 2 weeks.
In The Media(Posts)
Woman urges NC lawmakers to end child marriage: For her it was a ‘life sentence’3
COVID-19 and the Increased Likelihood of Affairs3
Does anyone remember this story?3
Validation to find-win-win slutions2
Things men want3
These Are The Signs You're Dating A Narcissist3
Girlfriend's 'controlling' list of 22 rules for boyfriend goes viral: 'She sounds crazy'9
What Divorced Men Wish They Had Done Differently In Their Marriages7
Alienation of Affection / Criminal Conversation9
Would you pay your ex a 'break-up fee'? - BBC3
more >>
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 2 1 2
Re: Do people who have affairs end up together? [Re: Lil] #299166
05/31/13 01:39 PM
05/31/13 01:39 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,931
Tennessee
TimeHeals Offline
Member
TimeHeals  Offline
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,931
Tennessee
I guess if you are the one having an affair, that might be a good reality-check to think about, but... if you aren't the one having the affair, why does that really matter much?

If you are a BS and trying to affix a mortality rate to your former spouse's new marriage to his/her affair partner, it just smells of trying to maintain some sort of control and connection and hoping for some kind of revenge rather than detaching and getting on with your life, IMO.



Your Time Perspective Can Heal
Mend the broken, make strong the weak and vanquish the evil.
Re: Do people who have affairs end up together? [Re: TimeHeals] #312087
08/29/13 08:59 AM
08/29/13 08:59 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline

Member
Lil  Offline

Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Quote:
While it's true that there are happy marriages that start as affairs, they are in the minority. Only about 5% of all affairs end in marriage, and only about 1/3 of those marriages survive the first five years. You probably have one chance in 100 of turning this marriage into a successful relationship, and you're off to a terrible start in spite of your love and commitment.

I have a theory about why marriage after an affair is so unsuccessful, but the fact that they're unsuccessful is well documented.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Do people who have affairs end up together? [Re: Lil] #312102
08/29/13 01:05 PM
08/29/13 01:05 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,285
PEEKSKILL NY
Rich57 Offline
Advocate
Rich57  Offline
Advocate
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,285
PEEKSKILL NY
Nice bump,

I totally agree with what everyone here has written, and my experience is a little different as I was never involved in cheating, per se.

I.E. no real person was involved.

However, I am fairly convinced that cheating is involved in almost all marriage breakups.

In my case it was fantasy novels and heros from the books.
Of course there is no way to verify that and it is just a guess on my part.
Total mind reading.

I think most of the advice given here is spot on and we can't love them back to us.
Let them go and have reality wake them up at some point down the road.
Its just a long road.
So best to make good use of the scenery on the side of the road while you are travelling on it.
That way it is more about the journey and less about the destination!

Re: Do people who have affairs end up together? [Re: TimeHeals] #312104
08/29/13 01:25 PM
08/29/13 01:25 PM
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 10,121
S
SmilingWife Offline
Global Moderator
SmilingWife  Offline
Global Moderator
S
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 10,121
Originally Posted By: TimeHeals
I guess if you are the one having an affair, that might be a good reality-check to think about, but... if you aren't the one having the affair, why does that really matter much?

If you are a BS and trying to affix a mortality rate to your former spouse's new marriage to his/her affair partner, it just smells of trying to maintain some sort of control and connection and hoping for some kind of revenge rather than detaching and getting on with your life, IMO.



There is no way my wxh would have divorced me for his OW. However, I knew I could never trust him...didn't trust him BEFORE d-day truth be told.

Still and yet I was devastated. And even though I knew I would never take him back and in fact I remarried a year after the divorce, I am STILL interested in whether cheaters end up together.

For me personally I feel MUCH better since knowing the OW is out of my xhs life. Now I don't have to worry about her being in my ds's life or that xh might someday marry her. My son feels better too.

And it was only when they broke up that the fog lifted enough for him to really understand what he has done and he was able to express real remorse. Even though my life has gone on fine without his remorse, being sincerely apologized to has helped too. He even apologized recently to the BH of his OW.

Waiting around for a cheating mate seems icky to me. Blowing up an affair immediately and saving a marriage...yeah I get that even though it wasnt what I wanted. But waiting around for a year, 2, 3.....while the wayward lives with the OP? No. I believe it is demoralizing and it embarrasses me for them.

Re: Do people who have affairs end up together? [Re: SmilingWife] #328943
01/02/14 02:07 AM
01/02/14 02:07 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline

Member
Lil  Offline

Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Jan Halper's study of successful men (executives, entrepreneurs, professionals) found that very few men who have affairs divorce their wife and marry their lovers. Only 3 percent of the 4,100 successful men surveyed eventually married their lovers. When you average in statistics for the rest of the general population, including women, that figure jumps to 4 or 5 percent.

The fact that these marriages have such a high failure rate is of little consolation to the betrayed spouse.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Do people who have affairs end up together? [Re: Lil] #328951
01/02/14 02:53 AM
01/02/14 02:53 AM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 794
NeverGuessed Offline
Suspended
NeverGuessed  Offline
Suspended
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 794
If I can take the numbers you gave Lil, and extrapolate/reorient a bit, it seems that 5% of men who ruined their first marriage, have any interest in the idea of marriage thereafter. Remember, these were men who once saw marriage as attractive enough to enter the first time, and then found an AP with enough to offer to tear them from their BW. And let's bear in mind that they were the WSs, so little if any of the "she done me wrong; you can't trust women" mindset should be at play here. So what happened to them to put them off of the institution between the first "I do" and the current "No way!"? To make it more startling, if "successful" can be said to have some correlation to "insightful", the smarter guys are running away faster!

Anyone care to chew on this here? I'll participate if I can be assured that "(Your opinion is) a load of crap" is not again anyone's brilliant(?) answer to one of my notes. That can be.....discouraging.

Re: Do people who have affairs end up together? [Re: NeverGuessed] #328953
01/02/14 03:01 AM
01/02/14 03:01 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline

Member
Lil  Offline

Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
I try to keep up with finding new information for this thread because its one that comes up again and again with our guests, usually after they've done a google serch with the phrase "% of affairs than end in marriage"

My guess is its mainly APs, and BS's doing the search, based on my observations of WS's not really thinking about marriage except in the most vague of ways. They are more focused on what they have right there and then ie the affair, with no reason plans to change the status quo.

it is interesting that you see evidence that men are LESS likely to marry a second time thant they were they first time.


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Do people who have affairs end up together? [Re: Lil] #329026
01/02/14 03:13 PM
01/02/14 03:13 PM
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 208
Florida
A
abelljo Offline
Member
abelljo  Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 208
Florida

Re: Do people who have affairs end up together? [Re: abelljo] #329147
01/03/14 01:03 AM
01/03/14 01:03 AM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 256
A
Am I Too Late Offline
Member
Am I Too Late  Offline
Member
A
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 256
One thing i find in researching infidelity, is that the vast majority of articles and studies seem to point out the Cheating Husband and the disparaged Betrayed Wife.

I have not done an actual sampling of the roles for each sex committing the Adultery, but my Spidy Senses seem to point out that there is at least an equal, if not more percentage of Wayward Wives compared to Wayward husbands.

This is my "Gut Instinct", yet that may be perceptually biased due to my own circumstances.

This is after being on DB, MB and also MA, with just a casual dip into SI, LS, 2into1, Midlife Crisis Marriage Advocates Hero's Spouse and TAM, plus probably several others i neglected to mention.

Has anyone ever combed through all of the new threads at any particular forum to study the frequency ratio of WH/BW vs. WW/BH?

I feel the results would be interesting and informative.

AITL

Re: Do people who have affairs end up together? [Re: Am I Too Late] #329161
01/03/14 02:01 AM
01/03/14 02:01 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 17,282
The Castle Aaaggghh...
herfuturesbright Offline
Member
herfuturesbright  Offline
Member
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 17,282
The Castle Aaaggghh...
I would guess it's about even, and though I hate to disparage my own gender, I think th old southern saying:

There ain't nothin' meaner than a mean woman

Tends to hold true in infidelity. Don't get me wrong, I've read some bad bad WH stories, but the bad WW cases I have seen are pretty darn chilling. And we women know ho to use victimhood as the perfect emotional smoke screen when wayward.

Last edited by herfuturesbright; 01/03/14 02:05 AM.
Re: Do people who have affairs end up together? [Re: abelljo] #329175
01/03/14 03:02 AM
01/03/14 03:02 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline

Member
Lil  Offline

Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Originally Posted By: abelljo


That is a really good article!

re BH/BW ratio in the real world, I suspect its is about 50/50, BUT my observations on the handful of forums Ive looked at is women are more likely to be active forum members than men. Not just infidelty, I belong to 2 dietry based forums and one has 1 guy to 30 women! I also belong to a plastic surgery forum and at a guess theres 1 guy to 200 women. Men just tend to not use forums


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Do people who have affairs end up together? [Re: Lil] #329187
01/03/14 04:30 AM
01/03/14 04:30 AM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 256
A
Am I Too Late Offline
Member
Am I Too Late  Offline
Member
A
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 256
Originally Posted By: Lil
Originally Posted By: abelljo


That is a really good article!

re BH/BW ratio in the real world, I suspect its is about 50/50, BUT my observations on the handful of forums Ive looked at is women are more likely to be active forum members than men. Not just infidelty, I belong to 2 dietry based forums and one has 1 guy to 30 women! I also belong to a plastic surgery forum and at a guess theres 1 guy to 200 women. Men just tend to not use forums


I very strongly disagree with the very last sentence. Although that may be truer for dietary type forums, it does not hold true for typical male activity forums.

I am/was a moderator on about 7 different Contractor and other Construction related forums, with the largest having a signed up membership of well over 100,000 participants and approximately 8,000 were regular weekly or daily posters.

So, depending on the subject matter, many men are all in for their passionate topics of interest.

I sense a greater proportion of men seeking out marital advice, even before infidelity is discovered.

We may not wear our emotions on our sleeves, yet i feel our emotional stake in our families and marriages run as deeply as any female posters.

AITL

Re: Do people who have affairs end up together? [Re: Am I Too Late] #329196
01/03/14 05:59 AM
01/03/14 05:59 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline

Member
Lil  Offline

Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
I would agree that subject matter is going to skewer male female ratios. There was a Christian forum I was on years ago which was guy heavy, so I agree men are able and willing to input into a topic they feel strongly about.

My only real experience of infidelity boards is limited to MB and MA, which lean somewhat towards females, and TOW which tilts heavily towards females.

I fully believe men have emotions, even if they show them in male specific ways that women may not notice. I also have read comments in the past from men bemoaning the fact that infidelty forums have a lot of women and a derth of advice that encourages men to be strong, without being tools. One of my favourite threads on MA was made up of posts by Chrisner who was a BIG asset for the MA men
Chrisners thread


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Do people who have affairs end up together? [Re: Lil] #329576
01/05/14 06:20 AM
01/05/14 06:20 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline

Member
Lil  Offline

Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: Do people who have affairs end up together? [Re: AntigoneRisen] #445676
05/28/21 04:58 AM
05/28/21 04:58 AM
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Lil Offline

Member
Lil  Offline

Member
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 7,566
New Zealand
Bump


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Page 2 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Chrysalis, Fiddler, Miranda 

Newest Members
Love_Smacked, starfire, JoyfulMimi, bruers, shattered72
2048 Registered Users
Latest Topics(Posts)
Hearts Blessing4
Woman urges NC lawmakers to end child marriage: For her it was a ‘life sentence’3
63 Marriage Facts1
COVID-19 and the Increased Likelihood of Affairs3
Updates Divorce Stats4
no more rainbow members?9
BR - The Art of War - Sun Tzu5
Questions & Answers About Marriage---responses from 7-10 year old kids4
seeing new members on mobile version5
Return of the Goddess31
Community Information
2048Members
1Penalty Box
6Suspended

42

Forums
8500Topics
463376Posts
 
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.6.1.1
(Release build 20180111)
Page Time: 0.022s Queries: 15 (0.005s) Memory: 3.2795 MB (Peak: 3.5404 MB) Zlib enabled in php.ini Server Time: 2021-10-20 23:25:13 UTC