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The meaning of "You're Controlling"..... #32693
12/07/10 03:29 AM
12/07/10 03:29 AM
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Not2fun Offline OP
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Not2fun  Offline OP
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2-3

I've seen it stated on here 4 times in the last two days....the WS/WAS states...."You're too controlling...."

Lets take a hard, fast look at what that means....

Are you standing next to your Spouse when the are in the bathroom?
Are you standing outside the door of the bathroom?
Do have 100% access to all marital monies with the spouse having no ability to access that money at any point in time?
Does your spouse have to ask form permission to use the family car?


Look at this line logically.

There is one and only one reason a spouse says these words....

It is because they have something to HIDE....

Secretes....are what they are protecting...

Things they do not want YOU, the BS or LBS to know....

In a loving and happy marriage, all area's are open to the other spouse......if all area's aren't open, there is a reason...

Unfortunately, 9 x's out of 10 its an AP.

Do NOT let the WS fool you with these words....

There is a reason the hair on the back of your neck rises when they are uttered....

Not2fun

Last edited by LovingAnyway; 12/12/10 07:20 PM. Reason: added tag

" If you couldn't change your partner when you were together, you sure aren't going to now that you aren't together..." Words of the teacher of the court mandated parenting class...and the ONE thing that stuck out to me!!!
Re: The meaning of "You're Controlling"..... [Re: Not2fun] #32703
12/07/10 03:54 AM
12/07/10 03:54 AM
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CajunRose Offline
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I think that depends on the situation.

My H thinks I'm controlling because our M has been in power struggle stage for a few years now (wish I would have figured that out before). Neither of us fully listened to what the other was trying to say and instead tried to argue or guilt the other one into doing things our way (because obviously if you don't do whatever I want then you don't love me, right?). I argue better than H, therefore he thought I was "controlling" him.

On the other hand, H never said I was controlling when I insisted that we both have equal access to all of the computers, or when I asked where he was going, what was he doing, and who with. If he had, I'd have thrown a royal hissy fit.


Current spouse: Night. D10, D9, S7

About me

You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

http://www.divorcedmomfinances.com
Re: The meaning of "You're Controlling"..... [Re: CajunRose] #32707
12/07/10 04:09 AM
12/07/10 04:09 AM
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AnotherShot Offline
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I have been accused of this and have no idea why. I have never told my wife who she could or could not go out with, never told her what she could or could not do, what she could or could not spend. I felt I was a very trusting husband. I only ever looked at one text of hers in our entire marriage. I never looked at her email or anything. I have posed this question to her, i'm interested in hearing what behavior she actually sees as "controlling". I really have no idea.

Re: The meaning of "You're Controlling"..... [Re: AnotherShot] #32740
12/07/10 06:16 AM
12/07/10 06:16 AM
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star*fish Offline
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Here is an interesting article by Dr. Margaret Paul that explains how controlling behavior can be less obvious that most us think.

http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/494/the-goals-of-controlling-behavior-in-relationships.html

Quote:
All of us are controlling in one way or another, yet many of us are not aware of what it is we are trying to control in our relationships.

I've found that there are two major areas in which we may try to control others:

* Behaviors
* Feelings

Sometimes we try to control what people do, and other times we may try to control how they feel about us and react to us. I've discovered that many people who do not often try to control others' behavior do not see themselves as controlling people because they do not realize that they are trying to control how others feel about them and respond to them.

Let's take the example of Jeff and Pam. Jeff tends to focus on what Pam does - how she spends her time and who she spends it with, how much money she spends, how well she keeps the house, and how she looks. When Pam doesn't behave in the way Jeff thinks she "should", he becomes angry, judgmental, and withdrawn. In Jeff's mind, he will feel loved and safe when Pam behaves the way he wants her to behave, and he feels justified in attempting to control her when she is out of line. Love for Jeff means someone doing what he wants, and he wants control over this.

Pam, on the other hand, tends to focus on Jeff's reactions to her. Pam wants control over Jeff being warm, accepting, and understanding. When Jeff is judgmental and withdrawn, Pam feels unsafe and tries to control Jeff with her niceness and caretaking, Pam gives herself up and tries to do what Jeff wants her to do in order to control his feelings about her and his reactions toward her. Eventually, when Jeff does not give her the acceptance she desire, she will get angry, but niceness and caretaking are her first lines of control. Love for Pam means someone being accepting of her and she wants control over this.

It's easy to see Jeff's controlling behavior. His anger, judgmentalness, and withdrawal are quite obvious. It's harder to see that Pam is actually just as controlling as Jeff - not about what he does, but about how he reacts.

Since most people hate being controlled, many people will covertly resist whatever it is the other person is wanting. For example, Pam may consistently be late because she knows it really bugs Jeff and it becomes her way of not being completely controlled by him and punishing him for trying to control her. Jeff may act accepting, yet his energy is anything but accepting. Not wanting to be controlled by Pam, he may refuse to give her the acceptance she is seeking. It can become a crazymaking interaction when Jeff acts like he is giving Pam what she wants, yet energetically Pam still feels judged.

Relationship problems can seem to be quite tangled and hopeless when the intent is to control each others behavior or feelings, while resisting being controlled. Yet the moment loving oneself and one's partner becomes more important than controlling and resisting control, the relationship problems magically dissolve.

It took me a long time to recognize my own controlling behavior, because I've never been controlling of what people do. I've always given my family and friends great latitude to be themselves and do whatever they want regarding what makes them happy. Eventually I realized that my control was always around how people feel and respond. I wanted people to be open, caring, and compassionate with me so that I would not have to feel lonely with them. It was a huge awakening for me when I realized how many controlling things I did to try to get others to be loving with me. Accepting my lack of control over how others choose to treat me has been extremely freeing. Now, if someone is unloving to me, I no longer act nice or compliant in an effort to get them to be loving. Now I just go to Spirit and find out what it means to take care of myself in the face of their unloving behavior, accepting that I have no control over how another chooses to be. Accepting that I can't control others' feelings or behavior has freed me to take loving care of myself.


"Yes, I'll have the love combo, open faced with a side of respect and large a glass of forgiveness, easy on the ice please--my brother
Re: The meaning of "You're Controlling"..... [Re: star*fish] #32747
12/07/10 08:15 AM
12/07/10 08:15 AM
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Squeaky Tree Offline
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Not quite here


I'm just going to read that and read that again...


a reminder of those boundaries, worded a little differently.


Married 22years (this year) ~13y since dday(?)
DD17 DS14
Which way do you like yourself? ~ Stosny
Re: The meaning of "You're Controlling"..... [Re: Squeaky Tree] #32760
12/07/10 09:28 AM
12/07/10 09:28 AM
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for to fade Offline
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I have been told not the exact words controlling but I have been told I have "taken everything"

All I can think is "I took everything" when his fun stopped, they found out at work, he can't take her on base to the gym or theater I might show up, the lurking wife

I ambush him.. I ambush, when I would show up to talk to him in a parking lot. He didn't answer his phone, call, nothing so I had to go to a parking lot, degrading.....and then I was told
please don't come here and ambush me.

Was I wearing leafy green shrubbery and cammo stuff on face? no, was I in backseat hiding? no, I was there like a normal person...

When he said that the whole thing was

'you have taken everything, just take it all'

I took their sex bubble and popped it? I what, what, still haven't figured out what was taken.........

Also he says I am so much drama.....ok the person who did this caused all the drama....also ow doesn't like drama.......if you don't like drama then why do you have a married man at your stupid house? There will be drama if you do that, there will be drama.

disclaimer I do not go talk in parking lot anymore...oh big whoop, but I don't

Perhaps that could be seen as an ambush, I have no idea where, but anyway one should expect a person to question behavior after knowing them decades and expect a sentence to be formed with your mouth before deserting your entire family.

And this might be humorous reading after reading starfish's entry, but, it isn't like I planned any of this, and given the situation, certain things will happen.

I mean when this happens the motto "I shall be controlling" needs to be implemented or else get run over.

tink

Last edited by tinkerbell; 12/07/10 09:43 AM.
Re: The meaning of "You're Controlling"..... [Re: ] #32783
12/07/10 12:44 PM
12/07/10 12:44 PM
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Posts: 1,883
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Not2fun Offline OP
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My favorite is when a WS/WAS says this and YET they are in an AFFAIR!!!

Yes, the BS was "too controlling" yet somehow the WS is able to have an affair......makes perfect sense to me....

Not

Last edited by Not2fun; 12/07/10 12:44 PM.

" If you couldn't change your partner when you were together, you sure aren't going to now that you aren't together..." Words of the teacher of the court mandated parenting class...and the ONE thing that stuck out to me!!!
Re: The meaning of "You're Controlling"..... [Re: Not2fun] #32786
12/07/10 12:49 PM
12/07/10 12:49 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
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Tennessee
TimeHeals Offline
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The rule of thumb on this is: if you're doing something to protect yourself (e.g. setting a boundary that you are prepared to enforce) rather than change their behavior, then it's not controlling.

People in affairs don't respect healthy boundaries (I think that's fairly obvious... the affair being an example of that problem).

If it's a boundary, then comments about "controlling" don't stick (you're Teflon). If you are really trying to get them to do something different, then these comments might sting a bit, so... know that you cannot make their choices for them. All you can do is make your own choices and protect yourself (and your kids if you have them).


Your Time Perspective Can Heal
Mend the broken, make strong the weak and vanquish the evil.
Re: The meaning of "You're Controlling"..... [Re: Not2fun] #32820
12/07/10 03:23 PM
12/07/10 03:23 PM
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Puppy Dog Tails Offline
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In my experience, "you're controlling" (or, even better, its sister script of "I need space") means:

"I need space in which to conduct my affair, unencumbered."

In studying literally thousands of affairs over the past six years, including personally counseling dozens of betrayed spouses hurt by them, this has been my almost universal experience.

Puppy


Drink the koffee, not the Kool-Aid.
Re: The meaning of "You're Controlling"..... [Re: Not2fun] #32822
12/07/10 03:27 PM
12/07/10 03:27 PM
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Puppy Dog Tails Offline
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Originally Posted By: Not2fun
My favorite is when a WS/WAS says this and YET they are in an AFFAIR!!!

Yes, the BS was "too controlling" yet somehow the WS is able to have an affair......makes perfect sense to me....

Not


When advising someone on a forum, whose spouse accuses them of "controlling" or says "I need space," I usually ask them WHEN their spouse first started communicating these complaints: all along during the marriage, or only recently during their strange, distant behavior?

If it's "Oh, I've always been a very controlling person, and my wife has complained from time to time about it over the years, but I guess I never really heard her," then that's one thing -- I advise them to seriously work on the issue.

If, however, I get "the funny thing is, not only has she never complained about this, but -- if anything -- she's complained that I'm too PASSIVE, and I also think I have been." .... well, then that's when the red flags go off.

(can flags go off? Or are those sirens that do that??? crazy )

Puppy


Drink the koffee, not the Kool-Aid.
Re: The meaning of "You're Controlling"..... [Re: Puppy Dog Tails] #32840
12/07/10 03:56 PM
12/07/10 03:56 PM
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silentlucidity Offline
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I noticed that I had more 'controlling' behavior after my son was born...usually surrounding helping around the house and becoming involved with DS8s upbringing. I would withdraw.

Then Dday came and went, and my desire to control the sitch, thru emotional warfare rose to a crescendo (you are breaking my heart cry ...tearing our family apart...things like that).

Now I live with a desire to protect my future self. Right now, everything is ok...but what are you going to do TO me tomorrow, 5 years from now, and how can YOU prevent that. The obsessive thinking has been driving me nutz. I know what I am doing wrong, yet the thoughts and fears still flood me sometimes and that controlling behavior starts.

I'm so tired of my own thoughts... crazy


Re: The meaning of "You're Controlling"..... [Re: Puppy Dog Tails] #32861
12/07/10 05:03 PM
12/07/10 05:03 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 48
Southern California
lowesd51 Offline
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Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
In my experience, "you're controlling" (or, even better, its sister script of "I need space") means:

"I need space in which to conduct my affair, unencumbered."

In studying literally thousands of affairs over the past six years, including personally counseling dozens of betrayed spouses hurt by them, this has been my almost universal experience.

Puppy


Agree.

A couple weeks after D-Day, FWW informed me that she was going to see OM after DD's go to sleep...so rather than enable her A I spent the night at my parents house. POSOM came over to MY house as a "friend" while my DD's were asleep upstairs. The next day when I registered my displeasure...scratch that...when I became lived FWW called me "controlling"

FWW also informed me many times "I'm not a child and I won't be treated like a child"...I refrained from responding with "then stop acting like a child"

Fun times...fun times


Continuing recovery :-)
Re: The meaning of "You're Controlling"..... [Re: star*fish] #33175
12/08/10 06:13 AM
12/08/10 06:13 AM
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flowmom Offline
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Great article starfish. As an LBW, I've been thinking a lot about subtle forms of control. I gave STBXH TONS of freedom in our relationship, but I've been subtly controlling in certain areas. It can be hard to identify areas of being controlling but it usually looks like: "I need you to be/feel/do ______".


we: me44 + my husband Pookie :9: + S9 + D6
Re: The meaning of "You're Controlling"..... [Re: flowmom] #33319
12/08/10 04:40 PM
12/08/10 04:40 PM
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The Castle Aaaggghh...
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The Castle Aaaggghh...
I have been guilty of subtle controlling at times. Most of the time I really didn't realize it until afterward. I know when I thought I had found the "how to have more sex" answer in being a great housekeeper....Boy, did I clean that house. Until I realized it wasn't the answer. So in a sense I was trying to control my DH wanting me more by cleaning the house more. And when it didn't work...I was really disappointed. I have to say, fortunately DH has known me long enough now that I couldn't really "control" him if I wanted to....he is too smart for that now smile haha.

I am realizing, though, that there are other areas in my life where I try to have control, and much of the pain I experience is because I cannot control....usually what other people decide about me.

Re: The meaning of "You're Controlling"..... [Re: herfuturesbright] #109869
05/23/11 09:14 AM
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Lil Offline

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BUMP


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse


Re: The meaning of "You're Controlling"..... [Re: Not2fun] #445688
05/31/21 08:25 AM
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New Zealand
Lil Offline

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Time for another bump


AKA Lildoggie

Just found out about your spouses affair?
Infidelity Guide For The Betrayed Spouse



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